A mix of blah and yuck

I cannot fathom being a teenager in today’s online world. I suspect every generation doesn’t understand how the one below it survived and perhaps this is a sign of my aging state but holy cow, how do teenagers do it? Facebook pages, twitter accounts, snap chat messages. Our entire lives are played out online to begin with and throw in the normal hormones and turmoil of middle/high school and it seems like a recipe for disaster.

My sister is a high school math teacher. She often tells me horrific stories of cyber bullying and instant snap chats of young girl’s daily outfits that are passed around and criticized. Can’t believe she wore that, or did you see how fat she looked in that outfit? Of course facebook/twitter provide all the means necessary to publically stalk, obsesses over and ridicule all of your friends/enemies and crushes alike. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would have been a basket case had I grown up today in this environment. I already felt ridiculed, looked at and like an outsider without having to have it seep over into my out of the actual school building life as well.

With all this said, it is not shocking to me that growing up is extremely difficult these days. Again, I am certain it has always been and will always remain difficult but given these added pressures it seems all the more important to instill a sense of self and worth in our next female generation. I am sure men need it every bit as much, but I am particularly speaking to something that I’ve been noticing in my own facebook feed over the past couple months.

I have a young female cousin who recently turned 13. She is in 8th grade I believe. Her entire social life is being played out online for the whole world to see. She is a nice young woman who is actually very physically cute. She is 13 years old and therefore it’s not really for me or anyone to honestly comment on her physical attractiveness. She is a child still but unfortunately peers have a different take on this. Like most 13 year olds in general she is not nearly done growing, developing, changing, becoming the woman she is going to become. I don’t think she is naturally a supermodel, but who is? With that said, she is certainly not by any stretch of the imagination ugly. I am only commenting on her physical appearance because she so often does and it really makes me sad. She is an innocent maturing woman and the fact that so many of her facebook posts come out as derogatory insults to herself breaks my heart.

Recently, in the height of the whole name random facts about yourself trend sweeping facebook she, along with lots of her little friends, posted list after list of facts. A direct quote, “I don’t think I am pretty” For months there have been subtle nudges about her lack of pretty and I just don’t understand. Then yesterday she posted a series of photos of her and 2 of her friends goofing around taking model shots a park this weekend. They were actually gorgeous photos. She looks like a 13 year old girl. They all look like 13 year old young women. They do not look like buxom mature 25 year old super models, and somehow I get the impression this is what she thinks is the ideal image of beauty is.

I thought the photos were cute. Truly, 13 year old girl cute. Lots of friends commented on the photos, one suggested you should be a model to which my cousin responded, I’m not pretty enough, and I’m not even cute. Someone else said you are cute/pretty whatever and again she responded again direct quote, “Haha, thanks but nope I am a mix of bleh and yuck.”

At this point, I could no longer stand by and read this because my heart was seriously breaking. And then I responded with a rant that read…

Can I tell you that you make me sad when I read your comments about not being pretty enough or that you’re a mix of bleh and yuck? Why on earth would you ever think that???? I think it’s so sad that somewhere along the line you got the idea that somehow you weren't good enough. It breaks my heart really. Firstly there is not a single idea of what pretty or beautiful is, every single woman in this world is gorgeous in their own way. Secondly, you are beyond gorgeous. You are so young and beautiful and I wish that every young adolescent felt like they were more than enough for not only those around them but themselves. I hate that something in your life has given you this idea that you aren't enough. This is what is so wrong with our society. You are a young woman that is still growing and maturing and you can do and be anything you want to be and you are more than enough! You are beautiful not just because your outside is beautiful but more importantly because your inside is. That is what is most important. Please don't ever belittle yourself. You’re worth so much more than that. Sorry for the rant but I've seen you make comments a lot about not being pretty and it just really breaks my heart....

I have been noticing for months that she clearly has some self-esteem issues and I am so sad about that. I am sad that a 13 year old has ever been put into a situation where she feels that clearly she is being judged and can call herself a mix of bleh and yuck. She is none of these things. She is a 13 year old child in my eyes. However, I understand that I cannot call her a child and certainly she is testing the waters socially as all 13 year olds do. I guess maybe a part of me could also relate and I wanted to take that pain away. I want to fix the heart of every single 13 year old girl who somehow thinks they are not good enough for some reason.

I partially blame heightened social media for this problem. I blame the availability of skewed images of beauty. I blame mean snap chats and social media outlets where children feel the desire to interact and yet the shame of public ridicule. And of course the age old desire to compare. It is so easy now to compare our lives with Facebook. What for me was always just an image in my head of what these other popular girls lives must be like, is now a constant reality/reminder with the accessibility of images of parties you were not invited to, events you didn’t attend, and friendships you desired but are not included in. Facebook has many advantages and just as many disadvantages. I was always able to pretty much stalk most of my crushes as it was back in the day, I can only imagine how badly it could have gone with social media being thrown into the mix.

It is no wonder to me that kids these days are more depressed and so many children/babies end up killing themselves because of bullying. You are already beyond emotionally fragile as your hormones rage and you try to find yourself.

I imagine at some point my cousin had some stupid person make a comment and call her ugly or not pretty. I say this because I am pretty certain I recall months ago a sad post about some boy calling her ugly and how much it crushed her. And now it is forever stuck in her head that she is not good enough. We should mandatory require every young child to take self-esteem workshops or something like that. No 13 year old should walk around feeling like they are ugly. It just isn’t even possible for a 13 year old to be ugly. They are still growing every single day.

Why do we always all want to grow up so damned fast? Her pictures give me every single indication that she desires to be a sex pot grown up. It really just makes me sad. I want her to aspire to be more than that. I want her to aspire to be anything she wants to be and value the beauty of her inside. Her strength. I know perhaps this seems hypocritical coming from somehow who spends so much time obsessing over her own physical appearance. But it is perhaps because of that obsessiveness that I would not wish it upon my 13 year old cousin and it makes me terrified for my soon to be 9 year old niece. I want more for them that that. I want them to be strong and brave. I want them to be fighters and warriors. If they want to be beautiful physically that is okay as well, as long as they acknowledge and embrace the fact that it is a beautiful inside that matters so much more. I want them to understand their own strength as strong females. I want them to love themselves, all of themselves, just as they are. Flaws and all. These are hard learned lessons that I pray they can and will understand one day.

If I’ve learned nothing it is that strength of character, and strength of your own self is so much more important than anything material or superficial to the outside. Sure I still like fashion and being pretty but that is secondary to my emerging inner strength. The most important thing I have ever given myself. I simply want all young women to believe they too are capable of anything, and certainly more than just being pretty.