Confidence & Strength

Well hello August, where the hell did you come from? I mean, seriously… August already. I am actually in utter shock and disbelief that the summer is literally flying by. It makes me want to scream out, STOP… wait, but I am in no way shape or form ready for the summer to be done yet and for the miserable weather to return. I feel like I still need months of sun. Alas, I am not in control, much like I am not in control of so much of my life period. Sad to admit huh. I try my best to control that is within my control and the rest I just have to let go of. At points I wish other people around me could accept this reality with as much blind faith as I do, but again, I have zero control over anyone else.

Both Tuesday night and last night I went to the gym and burned about 400-450 calories each night. Good solid workouts. Lots of arm work this week. I have been quite focused on my arms as of late. It’s that whole obsessive compulsive vibe I have going on. When I set my mind to something there is nothing, and I mean nothing that will stop me. My focus is laser sharp. And for some reason I have become blindly focused on my arms and shoulders and back. Like the whole upper body package suddenly is the most important thing in the world. I do believe it is really good to focus on something in life. That havening a goal or a focus of any sort not only keeps you motivated but its good for so many reasons. Right now I’m failing to think of the other reasons but I am certain they exist.

Anyhow, consequently my laser sharp arm focus has produced some really great arm workouts in the past 5 days and now my arms are tired. Understandable and completely acceptable. Basically I have kicked major ass at the gym Saturday thru Wednesday so yeah 5 days in a row could only mean one logical conclusion. Rest Day. Yup. Today is my official rest day; no gym for this girl. Actually I kind of don’t have a real choice since tonight I have a real life therapy appointment. I am nervous. I am always nervous, right? It’s the scardy cat in me that does that. Regardless, tonight I go and talk about what the hell is happening in my life which brought me to make the appointment to begin with. Like so many people dealing with issues that lead them to counseling, I am conflicted. I am always conflicted. I am not even sure what I want. I have brilliant moments of clarity and strength and then moments where my resolve fails to bits.

All I have said for the past month or so is thank God I have health and the gym in my life. It really is coming at the perfect moment to help keep my sanity in check. It gives me that focus that I need to block out all the other stuff that one might otherwise have a hard time dealing with. Plus, it gives me confidence that surely is otherwise lacking in my life. As a general rule I am not a confident girl. I have to say, is anyone who is overweight really super confident? I know they project confidence here and there and they are not any less worthy than anyone. I think it’s entirely possible for an overweight person to be happy and have self-esteem and confidence; but I just think it’s a rarity. At least it never existed for me. Funny thing is, even though I am now at a reasonable size my confidence didn’t suddenly return. I have to work on that every bit as much as I work on the health and fitness. Confidence for me comes when I have an awesome workout or I accomplish something that I have not previously done. Or when I suddenly realize that I am so much better off than I ever previously thought. I am earning my confidence every single day that I push myself. Without this right now in my life I shudder to imagine where I’d be. Not very happy for sure.

I think my therapy appointment tonight is a stepping stone to figure out how to make myself happy. I have a great life but like everyone, there are things that are missing and holding me back. There are constant drains on my health and well-being that need to be addressed. Again, I am not certain of what outcome I even am looking for but perhaps I’m approaching it all wrong. Perhaps I don’t need to know an outcome. Maybe I need to gain understanding. I think that is what I’m hoping to get from therapy. Confirmation that I am not crazy.

That’s really more than I wanted to talk about therapy anyway. What I really wanted to talk about what the scale or rather how incredibly stupid and useless I actually realized it was today. I’ve been pretty good about only weighing myself once a week this entire time. Even the past four weeks or so I’ve really only done it once a week on these Thursday mornings. Today was no different. Haven’t gotten on there in a week. Pretty much the same. The good news is I am maintaining in the 140-142 pound range for weeks and weeks. That’s pretty great news all around I suppose. However, I really realized today that it is utterly useless for me.

If I were not exercising or trying to build the muscle like I am, and simply just eating and trying to maintain weight then the scale would be a perfect tool of measurement and I would be very proud of my fairly consistent maintenance. But after getting on the scale this morning and seeing really no change as a general rule I was mad. Then I stopped for a moment and was like, what a fucking useless tool this is for me? Seriously. Cause if I judged by this scale alone the last month was completely a waste of my time and basically utterly useless. Then I looked in a mirror. I looked in the bathroom mirror and was like; um… yeah… that scale is fucked up. I am certain it is doing its job as it’s supposed to. All it can do is tell me this exact moment the density of the object on it. I am without a doubt fairly consistent with that week to week.

Guess what the scale can’t measure at this point… how much muscle I have gained in the past month. How much fat I have lost. How many new muscles are showing up on my body. How I feel about myself. Yup, all things that a scale is completely useless at determining. My July was insane on the health and exercise front. Probably much more than anyone really needs to do. But all that effort HAS to produce some sort of results other than a simple maintain on a scale. It’s a good thing that I am not living my life by a scale these days. With that said I think I might not weigh myself for like 2 weeks. I am pretty certain that I don’t need the scale weekly to tell me I’m maintaining. My actions can pretty much speak for themselves. I lead a very healthy lifestyle and there is no way that I gain weight. The only thing I really am gaining these days is muscle. In fact my body, mainly my upper body is pretty sore after these 5 days of exercise that I would suspect I am retaining tons of water as the muscle are ripped down and torn apart.

I just checked my calendar and in July I exercised 27 out of 31 days. Yup, I took off a whole whopping 4 days in the month of July. Can you tell I am a focused, determined girl? Not to mention these days the gym is seriously where I feel the most at peace. I feel completely in my zone and rocking that confidence while there so it’s no wonder I want to spend so much time there. The gym is where I feel the most like me and the most at peace. Funny change from months ago where I couldn’t even phantom going to the gym at all. I am so grateful I found a place I can feel that comfortable and at peace at. It is exactly what I need at this point in my life. Funny how sometimes the universe brings exactly the thing we need at the exact moment we need it in our lives. That is how I feel about my newfound love of the gym. Once again, the universe knew better than me. I need to learn to trust it more.

I can’t even imagine that 10 months ago right now I was 220 pounds and miserable. What a ridiculous difference 10 months can make. I can say with 100% certainty and without hesitation. Right now, as I stand today, I am in the best shape I have ever been in in my entire life. And it is only going to get better from here. While I may have technically weighed less at various points in my life, there is no way my health was ever this good. I was never this strong. The girl I am today would kick that 130 pound version of me’s ass. This girl is so much stronger and more toned. This girl is tough. And right now, more than anything, I need to believe in myself and believe that I am worth it. I am worth more than I ever gave myself credit for.