The worst kind of feeling

I have pretty much had one of the worst weeks of my life. I can think of maybe like 2 others that might compare to it. I am not sure how this one ranks in order of misery but it’s up there. Right now, because I’m living it, I’d say I’d rather be reliving one of those 2 horrible weeks I can think of. But It’s so close up there I can’t even sort it all out. I really am not ready to talk about any of it yet. I just can’t. It’s all personal and it’s all awful.

For the time being I am going to say this. There is a strong possibility that at some point, maybe not this moment, I might have to take this blog private for a while. If you want to be invited or have access just shoot me a little e-mail to emilycanady@gmail.com and just give me your email address and I will make a little list of names. I am hoping I do not have to go private, but it’s always a possibility. While being this accessible online all over really is nice it also has its draw backs. It means there are people in your life who would have constant access to your life and that might just not be fair in some situations. I won’t be doing it right away if it happens at all. Just protecting myself a little here in the event of…

Anyway. I am not really in the mood to hash out the details of what’s going on. Partly because I don’t even fully know what’s going on and I cannot being to say anything about it because I don’t know what’s happening. I only know what’s happening right now this minute and it’s not pretty. Do I hope for pretty? Yes. Do I think pretty will happen? I’m losing faith by the day. I don’t like the version of me I become. I really don’t. I want my life back but I am sure that perhaps some things are meant to change. Haven’t I preached for months and months about walking a new path and changing and growing? And yet, I often handicap myself. I actually become quite pathetic. I really don’t want to say too much at this point. One way or another it will work itself out most likely with a crippling, debilitating amount of pain no matter what the outcome is.

Instead I want to talk about what I always talk about. I probably mostly always talk about health and nutrition because it is my one and only distraction. Even this past week it was not adequately doing its job. It really wasn’t. What usually makes me happy and alive was barely cracking a smile from me. At least I did smile. Last night my personal trainer was like, there, that one got a smile. Obviously, that must have meant the rest of the time my mood was written all over my face. In all fairness when I walked into the gym or my session, she was like, how are you doing? And I couldn’t help it; the look on my face must have said it all as I tried to fight back tears. I said in cracked voice, “Well, you know life.” I then told her the bare minimum because I really was fighting back tears. It was quite evident that I was not right. That all was not right in my world. She took me over to testosterone land of the men. And I lifted. I lifted heavy weights and she told me how strong I was getting. I am getting strong.

She told me that I am easily twice as strong as I was when I started and I do believe that is true. When you go from zero it’s not hard to double that :)

When one is as in as much emotional distress or turmoil as I am presently it’s very had to see anything clearly. Your brain gets all jacked up. It’s not just your perception or mood that is off, it’s everything. I have to say that I actually feel calmer writing now than I have in days. Maybe that’s because I haven’t written in days I’ve forgotten how therapeutic this is. I’ve been afraid to commit any words to paper because in a moment I have been known to say things I do not really mean and or want so I’m trying to avoid making the ultimate commitment and say too much. Maybe I can skirt around issues until they naturally work themselves out the way they will.

I know the way I want them to work out, or at least what my heart wants, but we don’t always get what we want and I am not in control of it. I really am not. All I can do is sit back and wait for an outcome. In the meantime I fake my way thru life. I fake it badly too. I have not been able to properly work for weeks really but it’s gotten pretty bad. You know that whole avoid phone calls. I’m doing that. Not doing what I should be doing. Yup, on that too. I literally don’t have the strength to work. It takes every ounce of energy and willpower I have to go to the gym. And I only do that a lot out of habit, but because I keep praying I will get back some of the high and self-worth that it gives me. I felt mildly better after I worked out last night. Until the text messages started and I fell apart, literally in the car driving home and I called my mom and just sobbed uncontrollably for half an hour into the phone. So much for that exercise high.

My trainer did a great job of trying to bring out the high. I felt strong. I worked out. I am comfortable at the gym now. I don’t run and hide from mirrors or from other people seeing me exercise. I am strong and can handle most things. I actually truly believe my trainer likes pushing me and seeing what I can do. Despite my complete lack of perky last night I did manage a good workout. I figure if I literally fight thru the pain even if it doesn’t immediately make me happy eventually someday I will be happy and thankful that I used the pain to continue to work on myself and not give up. Most of my body just wants to give up. Hide under the covers and wait for the storm to pass. I literally had to force myself to drive to the gym after work last night. But what really was my alternative? Go home to be completely alone and sad? So I could sit on my couch and ball my eyes out…. Not appealing. And rest assured that is pretty much what happened once I actually got home from the gym. At least it was 8 PM and not 5 PM. At least I still managed about 2 hours at the gym. I did not really work out for 2 hours. I did my 30 minute training session and 2 30 minute classes and then I did about 30 minutes of free weights. But it’s not as if any of it is continuous exercise. There are plenty of moments of rest in there.

I also cried in the locker room at the gym. I guess that’s what hurtful text messages will do. Complete sobbing in the gym locker room. Good times. I wish so many things were different. I wish I had done so many things different but I guess it’s all pointless now isn’t it. I am still holding out hope that things can be repaired but that very well could just me being naïve. I’m grieving. I’m completely grieving. And no one died!

Can I talk about something else that has occurred? I have realized without a doubt that I have the most amazing friends in this online world. I have these wonderful amazing women that I may have not ever “met” in real life, but they are here for me. They are just here. I love them so much. It means so much.

What else… hmm… Despite the gym not feeling all that helpful I shudder to think where I could be without it. It perhaps didn’t make all of the despair go away. I guess that is simply not possible. But at least I have something, anything else to focus on. At least I have somewhere to go to distract me for a little while. At least it will eventually breed results. The results I have had in 2 months already are amazing and crazy. I have worked very hard and truly earned my muscles. I wonder how much stronger I can get in another 2 months. Seems I have nothing else to look forward to anyway.

I want to keep pushing myself physically because eventually it will have to make me smile again. Eventually I will be able to accomplish something I didn’t think I could and that will HAVE to put a smile on my face. Even temporarily I will have to smile again eventually.

My trainer does a great job of making me feel strong and powerful and pretty. She’s great like that. Every time I meet with her I like her more and more. I’m actually a pretty guarded person in real life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an open book and will share my life story with you if you ask, but I know I can come off as cold and guarded because of my insecurities. It takes me a while to warm up and feel genuinely comfortable. Online hell, I write it all out all over the place but in real life I am an insecure wreck most of the time. I work on that all the time and what has been going on in my life lately does not help at all. Talk about a confidence wrecker. Game over in one fail swoop. I said this yesterday but I feel like it’s entirely true. All of the progress I have made in the past 2 months since going the gym, all the strength I have built, all the confidence that was growing in myself, all the progress feels like it was completely wiped out in the matter of a couple days. I regressed ten-fold in the course of 5 days. Back to square one. I am a weak helpless child who has zero strength or ability to function on my own.

I become such a pathetic desperate person. It is so unattractive but I get caught up in the moments and can’t stop the desperation from oozing off of me. It’s disgusting really. I am disgusted with myself and my behaviors. Don’t ever chase anyone who doesn’t want you, right? So much easier said than done.

I’m trying to not let the real world know what’s going on yet. Not until I know what is happening or I am certain. But what the fuck is ever certain? Nothing. Clearly. Clearly nothing is forever or as promised. We are never promised a tomorrow are we. We must embrace today, this moment, because it truly might be all we have. Lesson learned.

I packed my gym back and will go back to the gym again tonight because it’s easier than going home. Inevitably being there makes me cry but somehow it’s more comforting than being somewhere else too. But I will go to the gym and I will let my body get stronger so that maybe someday my mind can catch up.

One last thing, my trainer said to me as I was bench pressing these weights and my arms were pumping up and down…. “You are getting so strong. I’d hate to be on the other side of a fight with you.” Now mind you, I am not really that strong at all and would undoubtedly get my ass kicked but I actually like to think she meant the metaphorical kind of fight. The fight of my life that is happening right now.