Intensity Reboot

Today is my Friday. I love it when Friday’s are really Thursday’s, I mean, who doesn’t? As predicted I had a killer workout last night and I actually felt pretty good thru the brutality of it all. It was what Amanda called a light leg day. I think this meant that the goal was not to lift heavy heavy, but instead to do lots of reps with cardio thrown in between the exercises. This was actually brutal as I was dripping sweat in the most obnoxious way, but somehow it was pretty body cleansing as well. This is what my half hour looked like:

20 body weight squats getting pretty low touching my ass onto a ball on the ground

10 burpies

15 30-lb kettle ball squats: basically holding the weight close to my chest and squatting deep

10 burpies

18 deep lunges across the gym while holding a 25 pound plate straight up into the air above my head

This was one set of the exercises. Those burpies in between were fairly substantially brutal. This of course was done quickly and then of course we did 3 sets of all of this.

THEN, we went over the barbell rack and I put an 80 pound barbell on my back and did 20 squats. Then we did 10 lunges on each leg. Did this 3 times. Then back to that first circuit above for one more round and then to kill time we finished out with 30 of those barbell squats with 80 pounds.

If I am calculating correctly that means I did a total of 230 squats, 132 lunges and of course 80 burpies. All of that in a half hour period of time. I was literally dripping sweat. I looked down on the ground no matter where we moved and there were piles of my own water on the ground. It’s been a long time since I produced that much in one sitting. This was my light leg day. Seriously.

After this 30 minute torture session I proceeded to take Iron Power class with Amanda. This is all strength training with barbells and dumbbells. Each song is a different muscle group. We did 2 more leg tracks during this class and by the last half of the second song; I actually did not think I was going to make it thru any longer. My quads were on fire. Mostly this workout produced BURNING sensations in my quads like you wouldn’t believe. However, today my ass is what is mostly sore. Funny how that works.  I was so exhausted after my hour and a half last night that I was just ready to get home and do nothing. Of course, that did not happen. As soon as I got home Chris and I went to the grocery store to do some shopping for our camping trip tomorrow. About 10 PM as I was sitting on the couch watching TV after a delicious chicken burger with avocado dinner my eyes would not stay open. They kept slamming shut, thus I knew it was time for bed. That workout really did a number on me in a good way.

I can tell my energy and enthusiasm has really picked up this week as compared to the past couple weeks. I am actually hitting it pretty hard and it feels pretty good. I think this is generally helping with my overall mood. I can honestly say that I hated every second of my personal training session while doing it, but afterwards I felt great and was thankful for it. Those burpies are tough. The first couple feel all right and then they breach into yucky territory. I should point out I made the cardinal error of asking Amanda before I did the first one if she wanted the full burpie with the push-up too, and she said, well since you asked you know what the answer is going to be, yes.  So each one of those burpies was full on hop down, push up, jump up style burpies, so extra brutal. I guess that means that I actually did like 80 pushups as well.

I promise you on my own I would never do this crap, which is probably why having a personal trainer is such a good thing from time to time. Most people are seriously not going to do 80 burpies on their own, yet alone all those freaking squats and lunges. Tonight I am back at the gym and really have a secret desire to make something on my upper half sore. I want to walk away with some upper body part feeling it, but I’m not sure what. Either biceps or triceps or chest most likely. I just want to get some body part worked enough that its sore. It’s a good reminder for over the weekend while camping to try and stay focused on my bigger goals.

So I just talked to Amanda and I’m going to jump in on another girls training session tonight at 5 PM. This is a girl I know and am friendly with and she said it was okay, so that I can get in some extra workout. I told Amanda I wanted to make my upper half sore in some way and she said its chest day for this other girl Erica at 5 PM, so I’m going to tag along and do it. Yeah. Extra training and I for some sick reason want to get sore. So it seems tonight at 5 I get some extra training. I can tell I must be feeling better if I’m asking for more torture and looking forward to it and getting excited about it. That’s just the kind of sick girl I know I am and I miss her when she goes away. It might be wrong that I am excited for this extra self-imposed torture session. But slowly I’m feeling my desire and motivation return. With desire and motivation comes will power. And that is what I’ve seriously been lacking for months. I think I am starting to see shades of it grow inside of me.

I generally feel better today than I have in a while so that is a good thing. Just got to get thru the afternoon here at work and then my workout tonight and then I’m ready to just relax and enjoy the company of my family for the next couple days. Good, memory making experiences. That is what life is truly all about.

Mind reset

I am feeling a little bit better day by day. Perhaps this has something to do with the small amount of control I seem to be exercising over my eating. Mind you, nothing is perfect, but I haven’t binged all week and that for me is a victory. It’s amazing for me how much that plays a role into my mental well-being. It’s hard to be nice to yourself when you are constantly beating yourself up.  Also there is a small little shift on my insides where I feel a little bit better as a whole and I think that is giving me of a desire to live my life. Absolutely no one promised you a life without ups and downs.  Mine has plenty.

Although I was blaming the image I saw in the mirror or hating on myself, the reality is that it all stems from the brain. When I can get some of the brain under control I am not as hateful when I look in the mirror. I am certainly not happy, but that is because I do indeed constantly put too much pressure on myself to be something more than I am. I really should just be happy with everything I’ve accomplished in my life and accept that rough patches will come and go.

I can tell you this, when I eat better, I feel better and when I feel better I have more motivation and with more motivation, is a stronger sense of being. It’s a whole reciprocal cycle. I promise you I feel better today, this Wednesday than I did last Wednesday, so that is a bonus. Last Wednesday I wanted to quit life and honestly for the first time ever considered cancelling my personal training session and going home to eat. Today I feel much more energized and ready to tackle a tough workout. In fact, there is a slight little part of me that is excited and looking forward to it. This is the girl I know and love, this is the girl I love being. The one full of drive and enthusiasm for life and goals. And mostly, the belief that I can do anything I put my mind to.

I like being the girl who can go, you know what, so I’m not happy with what I see in the mirror, okay, but I can change that. I like actually believing with all of my conviction that I can change that. Set my mind to something and follow thru. That girl has been missing for quite some time. This last week I’ve seen the ever so slightest glimpses of her. I may not be satisfied yet, but if I keep working hard, I can be. That is the girl I know lives inside of me.  I sort of have this date in my head that I want to keep. It’s October 5.  October 5 is a big deal for me for a couple reasons.

October 5 will be my first ever two year anniversary of losing weight and keeping with it. I have never EVER had a 2 year anniversary. This unto itself is progress. I would kind of like to be at a better place mentally and physical for that one. And also, because October 5 I will also happen to be in San Jose to run the Rock N roll marathon. I’d like to get on the plane feeling a little more confident in my own skin. It would truly be nice to celebrate my 2 year anniversary being closer to my ideal goal weight. I’d feel better about it things. And honestly, I have enough time to make that a reality. I’m not so far gone that its nothing that a good 10-15 pounds wouldn’t take care of.  I know I’ve said this a lot lately, that I just need to lose 10-15 pounds, but clearly I haven’t been able to actually make it happen.  I actually think having that October 5 date in the back of my mind is probably a good push for me, that I probably need. I work better with deadlines and firm goals/targets. Always have.

I would just like to point out that I am human. I am not any super woman who doesn’t struggle or go up and down. This is the unpleasant reality of weight loss and maintenance and living a life. People gain 15 pounds, in theory, people work to lose the 15 pounds. People have shitty crappy days, weeks, months, people pull it back together. I am STILL HERE.  It’s getting close to 2 years, and I am still here writing on this blog and that is the biggest accomplishment I can think of for me. I am still trying and keeping on with this lifestyle. And oh yeah, this year I’ve ran 15 half marathons so far. Already. I tend to overlook the crazy that this statement entails.  You can say all you want about gaining and losing weight or straying or lack of motivation or whatever the hell else you want, but I’m still standing and I just ran my 15^th freaking half marathon of the year.

This weekend is all about rest and relaxation. I am actually going camping on Friday. It’s my extended families annual camping trip. My mom has 7 brothers and sisters and they each have a bunch of kids, so I have a ton of first cousins, well we all get together and do a camping trip every year. It should be just a relaxing kick back, enjoy being outside kind of 3 days. I am taking my bike and going to attempt to do some bike riding. It should be good. Lots of fun.  So long as I can avoid major binges, which I am not going to lie, is going to be VERY hard. Love my family, but healthy eating has never been their strong suit. It is always a battle with them. ALWAYS. I mean it’s not their fault I have very little willpower, that is entirely my doing, but it’s still hard having so many horrific options right in front of me. I am going to try, that is all I can hope for. Do my best, and try.

Like I mentioned earlier, tonight is personal training and then Iron Power strength training. I’m kind of excited for it honestly. I have a strong suspicion tonight is going to be leg day which terrifies me.  But I will manage. I somehow always do.

Oh, and I wanted to share this photo with you that someone else posted from this Sunday’s run, because do you see this hill? Yeah, just one of many that we were running against. I will probably keep posting them if I keep finding them, because I cannot even tell you how crazy hilly this race was and I keep searching for the photographic evidence to confirm it.

The giant uphill battle

As per my last post I know mentally I’ve been struggling this month. It’s funny how sometimes, for no good reason, you just find yourself in a lull. I know this happens to most people and is unfortunately a reality sometimes. I’ve been trying to push thru and feel better. I think that is why in July I haven’t really posted. Pretty much all month I have been struggling but at least the past couple days I am feeling a little better.

This is what I know. It is so easy to want to quit and just give up when you are struggling. It seems so much easier to run away and hide from the world. This is how I have always coped with negativity. What’s interesting is that even when there is nothing utterly negative we can still suffer from those mood swings. I cannot express how much I did not want to go to the gym or exercise for the past two weeks. I pretty much made myself go and I’m glad that I did. Right now, this morning is pretty much the first time in 2 weeks where I feel excited and looking forward to going to the gym tonight. This is a good sign for me.

In the scheme of life I accept that there are simply going to be times where you are off and don’t feel like it. It is in these downward spirals where we really see what we are made of. I feel like yesterday I shook out the mental cobwebs in my brain and proved to myself all that I really have changed and grown over the past year or so. I was signed up to run a half marathon yesterday. Not just any half marathon, but what was actually deemed as one of the hardest courses. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it was going to be hilly beyond hilly and it was also predicted to be hot. If you couple all of this with my shit mood and my shit self-esteem I literally spent the entire week last week arguing with myself about doing this half marathon.

I let fear and self-doubt creep their horrific way into my brain. I had moments where I said, ah, just go do it, and then mostly the line of thinking was so what if you miss one half marathon. What will that hurt? And this is going to be a brutal one. Torture honestly. Who wants to get up to run up crazy hills for hours in the extensive heat? After my 4^th of July run where it was too hot and I felt like passing out afterwards I was really not looking forward to any of this.  I kept telling myself that I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. That I didn’t need to do this. You have no idea how much I was trying to convince myself it was okay to bail on it.  It is funny that no matter how many times we prove to ourselves that we are stronger than we think, we have such profound moments of self-doubt.

In the end, I woke up Sunday morning and got dressed, and we got in the car and drove to the race. FEAR. It was truly fear that was driving me. I realized this after the fact, that ultimately it was truly fear that was driving me. I was terrified that I could not do this. When we started the race the announcer was like, the first few miles are all uphill, please be safe and have fun… blah, blah, blah.  We started out and seriously the within the first quarter mile we were running straight up hill. I was trying to “run” but honestly it’s near impossible to run uphill. I was out of breath and surprised that after only a quarter mile I could not for the life of me run anymore. The start of the race was hot. It was only like 7 AM or so and yet it was ridiculously hot already. I was terrified. I adopted the strategy of digging my heals in and walking up the hills and then running every possible stretch that I could. This meant any slightly flat part and especially any downhill part. I ran.

I should point out this race was a wine country run, and ¾ of it was off the beaten path running thru vineyards. Yup, thru dusty clay and dirt grounds, literally in between rows of grapes. It was dirt and gravel roads for a good chunk of it. This was hands down the single hardest course I have ever run/walked in my life. After a brutal first 3 miles I was convinced that I could not call this a run, but rather a hike. I promise you 3.1 miles of this adventure would have been more than enough for most mortal humans. I ran Seattle and I ran San Francisco but none of it came close to the hills that this course presented. It was like they knew it was going to be damn hard and they embraced that sentiment. With all that said, it was beautiful and breathtaking, standing at the top of some vineyards. But I knew it was going to be a ridiculously long journey. I had to break down the course into sections. I knew that 1/3 of a half marathon is about 4.36 miles. I was close to this at about 1 hour. Yup, I was only going approximately 4.36 miles an hour, but on this course I was beyond comfortable with that. I could calculate that it was going to take me close to 3 hours to finish this course. BRUTAL. It was hot; I was literally dripped sweat as I hiked up hill after hill in shaky gravel and dirt roads.

But I kept going. And in the simple act of keeping on, I felt good about what I was accomplishing. Run when possible; walk when I had no other choice. It all didn’t matter that much, because I was here. That was the victory unto itself. As hard as it was, I was still here doing this. Mile after mile passed in this horrific fashion. HILL, GIANT HILL, small hill, hill, hill, hill.  We passed the mile 6 mark and we went thru this little park, and upon existing the park, somewhere around mile 6.5, we turned onto an actual paved road and suddenly I could actually freely run for the first time on this course.  And it was like my world suddenly changed. I was heading into a gorgeous tree lined view. It was absolutely breath taking. And then a funny thing happened, the weather completely shifted. The sun went away and instead clouds presented themselves and it felt like amazing running temperature. And I was running and feeling alive and great.

It was wonderful and life affirming and of course made me feel proud all at once.  Then I had one of the single coolest experiences while running happen. At about mile 8, those clouds gave way to thunder and lightning. I heard it first. The giant crackle and we all looked up into the sky. It was absolutely Mother Nature at its finest. For approximately 30-45 minutes we were greeted to the coolest experience ever. Running in this gorgeous breath taking scenery with a show being put on for in the sky. All the runners around me literally pulled their headphones out of their ears and just listened and talked to one another while running. It was magnificent. One of those moments that I will never forget.  It was epic. Beyond epic really. And I smiled. A true, genuine smile, because it was just so cool. And I almost missed this entire experience because of fear. After the thunderstorms seemed to have passed, it started raining. And it was refreshing and beautiful as well. It rained for no more than 10 minutes and then it stopped and I felt renewed. Mile 10 ticked away, Mile 11 passed, and then I came to mile 12. So close. And then I turned a corner and at Mile 12, was one more GIANT hill up another vineyard. Wham. The running was done. And I walked that last ¾ a mile up that hill. And then it leveled out for a quarter mile to the finish line. I sprinted across that finish line and had the most amazing feeling of satisfaction ever.

This was the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life. This was challenging for anyone. This was HARD. This was not for the faint of heart. And I just finished it.  It was my worst half marathon time ever, but somehow one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. It was so hard and brutal and I didn’t quit. I didn’t give up. I finished. And I almost didn’t even start, and yet here I was basking in the reality that I did it. And instantly I knew it was fear that was driving me all week, trying to convince myself that it was okay to quit. It was all fear.

But guess what, I didn’t let fear control me. In the end, I conquered my own fear. I survived and oddly I felt more satisfied at the end of this race than most. I was just so freaking proud of my accomplishment. There was nothing easy about that at all. But I did it. I have a lifetime of knowing that I did it. I did not let fear control me or get the better of me. I know in my heart I would have regretted it forever if I bailed on that race because I was scared of how hard it was.  I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to.

And somehow I was reenergized. In that one very tough act of simply finishing this brutal course, I felt a new fresh energy.  Sometimes this is what life really is all about.  Those random experiences that define and shape you. It wasn’t fast or pretty, but instead so rewarding.

I am not 100% out of the clear by any means, I know my brain isn’t completely right, but it feels a little more stable. Just one day at a time. 

And finally, I found some of these images on their website that other people took, not my photos, but it slightly shows you the ups and downs that we faced on the course. What goes up, must come down and what goes down, always comes up. It was CRAZY!!!!

SOOOO Off....

I am not going to lie; I have been so off the last two weeks it’s not even funny. I know there is something off with my mood. I feel it to my core. I am just unbalanced, in a completely biological way. It is chemically something that is off on my insides. I’ve been all over the place and part of that is my desire to not post anything. I can tell I’m off when this occurs. I am finding very little joy in things that typically and readily bring me joy. I believe that is the definition of depression. I am muddling thru but it hasn’t been utterly pretty.

It’s also funny to note that my image in the mirror as of late has caused me great distress. Also another sign that things are off in the brain, aside from the mirror bothering me, I cannot control a single thing in my life and it’s causing really negative thoughts. Of course, this is all the doing of depression I am certain. I just keep waiting for my spark to return. Thus far, it’s not going so well. To be honest I don’t really know what caused the shift. Perhaps nothing. That is the thing about depression sometimes it appears for no good reason without any real cause.

I honestly find myself wanting to pull away from all the people and things in my life that I love. And I want to sit in my dark house watching TV and eating. Eating everything and anything to fill the void that I am for some reason feeling. Of course I’ve eaten far too much and of course it does not make me feel any better. As is typical of what I already know, in the end it makes things much worse, because aside from feeling off kilter about everything and anything now I worry about not being able to stop eating and somehow waking up being 200 plus pounds.

As much as I know I shouldn’t and as much as I’ve learned over the past year and a half, I can’t shake the constant feeling of being at war with myself. These feelings suck! I thought I’d gotten past this or learned how to cope better. Clearly not. I mean, all is not lost in my world. I am still trying. I mean, you are never really lost until you utterly give up. I keep trying, and even if I keep failing, at least I keep trying. Also, it should be noted that on July 4, I ran my 14^th half marathon of the year. It was 2 hours 20 some minutes, I don’t even really know. It was a MUCH better run than the one before it where I was WAY off. So that was nice. I mean, I don’t hate running. I still at least have that much. I guess looking at the calendar that was only 5 days ago, so it’s not like I’ve completely given up on life or myself. Also I should note that Monday night I went to the gym and did 1.5 hours of class and then last night I actually came home after work and ran on my own treadmill for an hour. This is something I have not done in AGES. Probably almost a year. Wait, I ran on New Year’s. That was the last time I ran at home I do believe. Anyhow, this is good that I ran. This is also somewhat scary because I find myself not wanting to go to the gym, as I’m pulling away from social settings.

I try to rationalize when I was at the gym Monday night it was fucking roasting in there. It’s like they didn’t have AC or some shit and it was really hot. At least my house is a perfectly cool air conditioned temperature and I didn’t relish the idea of running on a treadmill in a confined air space. This is really what prompted me to go home last night and run. That and I wanted to try out the watching TV on the treadmill while I ran concept. I used to do that like every night. It was nice. Mixing things up is good every now and then.

Plus, tonight, I reluctantly go to the gym again for personal training and then an hour of class. But if I’m being honest my heart is not in it, it hasn’t been in it for a long time. Thus the depression talking I am guessing. I really hate not feeling like me. I feel a profound sadness that doesn’t want to leave me. There is honestly no good reason for it. Other than I have a high history of mental issues in my family and clearly am not immune to occasional bouts of depression. That is the reason. I am doing my best to work thru it. And not binge eat.

I am not going to lie I have been completely unsuccessful at curbing the eating for months, but it has gotten steadily worse and worse which is probably triggering part of the depression. I wake up in cold sweats panicked that I won’t be able to stop and that I am going to wake up and realize that I am right back to a horrific place on the scale.

I think it’s like I finally realized that my fitness level is not where it once was and my appearance is not what I want it to be. I cannot lie to myself anymore. This depresses me.  I suppose I have two options, to let it consume me and continue to depress the fuck out of me, or do something about it right now while it’s still quite manageable. While I am still able to actually run and enjoy running my half marathons.  I am scared of getting to a point where I can’t. Of course, like I said, I just did one 5 days ago so thus far I suppose it’s still possible for me.

No one ever said life was going to be complete smooth sailing. I know this. All the more reason to embrace and enjoy the days when you are happy. I long to get to that point again. I know it’s in my grasp if I can just find my spark that has been missing. I can do this. I should be able to do this. I hate beating myself up mentally. It is the worst.  And honestly I haven’t done it in a long time and forgotten how horrible it feels. Perhaps this is my body reminding me that it’s a shit place to live in and therefore it’s time to quit the bitching and fix it before it spirals too far out of control. 

FOOD is not the answer. It never has been. I am eating to fill some depressive void. I honestly think it’s some unrealistic expectations that I and the gym world placed on me. I’ve spiraled out of control more and more and therefore I have backlashed because I am not living up to my own crazy expectations. I think it’s so unfair to do to myself and I need to stop. It is right now at a point of get my shit in gear because it is starting to affect how I’m living my life and the things I am doing.

I am starting to retreat from the world and want to hide. It’s insane. But I’ve never been all that sane anyway. I never professed to be anything but a food addict. That crap never goes away. You have periods of control followed by moments when you just can’t get it in control. Now is the time to get it back into some sort of rational control. I promise you the rate I am going at I would be 200 plus pounds by Christmas.  I am better than that. I have learned more than that. I love running and being active more than that. I love myself more than that.

I’m going to fix this somehow. We all struggle, every single one of us. There is never and will never be a magic potion to take it all away. It is a fight every single day. Some days it’s just more silent than others. Just breathe right. Just freaking breathe. One day at a time.

Oh, here’s my 4^th of July run stuff. I mean, I might have officially conquered my original goal of running 14 in 2014, and yet somehow that just isn’t good enough for me. Can you say crazy much?

Time to Rally

Well now, I had the unfortunate pleasure of spending my morning getting new tires put on my vehicle. When I came home on Saturday evening, I was greeted to a flat tire and since I’ve known for quite some time that I needed new ones, I had to bite the bullet and head in for a full set at 8 AM. The unfortunate realities of life. I was only like ½ an hour late for work so that is good.  Did I mention I am exhausted? It’s 2:15 PM and honestly I am just ridiculously exhausted. I don’t think this is too shocking since I feel like I’ve been going a million miles a minute for days on end now.

Friday night our drive to Bend was actually really nice. It was about 2 ½ hours, but it seemed to fly by, which was nice. Of course when we got into town it was about 9:45 or so and we made our way to our dump of a hotel room. Seems that when you book a room last minute on a busy weekend there aren’t many options. I probably would have turned away if it weren’t for the reality that I was checking in at 10 PM and leaving at like 6 AM. It had a bed which seemed like enough at the moment.  But just barely. We were starving so we went to Applebee’s which turned out to be a horrific idea. Applebee’s isn’t that good to begin with, made worse at 10 PM on a Friday night in a different city as your main source of substance before a big run. BAD idea all around.

I kept waking up all night not only checking my phone for the time cause I don’t ever want to oversleep. And then because my stomach could literally feel the grease like a giant lead weight in my stomach. When we got up I seriously wanted to vomit so badly just to make my stomach feel better. I didn’t. But I seriously had a moment where I was sure throwing up would have been the best option.  I pushed on, stopped at Safeway for a muffin and some power aid to help ease my stomach. It didn’t help that much.

Ususally running is euphoric and I find my happy place after about mile 3. There was not a single second of my run where I felt content or happy. Every single step was hard and painful for me. I suppose some runs are just like that. Given my previous 2 half’s were completed in what felt like effortless fashion and were completely 100% enjoyable, I am not going to judge running based on this Saturday’s experience. It was miserable. I never got into any sort of groove. From my first few steps on, I was not feeling it and it just got worse and worse as I continued. I mentally checked out, and I physically checked out. So much so that at mile 11, I started walking. I never walk. I just didn’t care anymore. I was tired and I wanted it to be over.  You’d think that this would inspire me to finish faster; instead I dragged out those last 2 miles for longer than I ever should have by literally walking. I was glad when it was finished. Like crazy glad. Not in a euphoric happy way, in a thank god that torture is over kind of way. HA HA. Like I said, thank goodness I had two epically amazing half marathons the weekends before so that I know they aren’t all that miserable.

However, my medal was ridiculously awesome. It was gorgeous, and large and slightly made up for the misery that was this run.  I think in hindsight I hated the course. It was along a bike path around a community. Yes, there were some lakes and such but overall it was uneventful and uninspiring and there was just nothing going on. This reinforces why I love large races so much. I am constantly stimulated and it takes my brain off of the idea that I am running and at times in pain. (Either physical or emotional). There were few spectators and the runners were quite spaced out and at times I felt alone and not like I was running a race, but rather the single loan runner and somehow I don’t like that. Despite running being a totally singular experience, it is somehow utterly connected and I was missing that connection. Not to mention countless times bikers were coming at me from the opposite direction and I had to almost jump out of the way for them. ANNOYING.

Glad that one was over, my confidence is a little shaken, which always happens after I sort of mentally give up. That is the worst part, the mental quit. It makes me doubt myself and my abilities.  After the race we hung out for a while before heading home. By this point I was pretty much exhausted. Not going to bed until after midnight, getting up early and running a miserable race, feeling nauseous the whole time. Body wanted to shut down. We got home about 4 PM, when I discovered the flat tire, oh joy.

I still had a good time, which seems odd, given all the factors, but I still had a nice time in that environment with my husband. We ended up just watching some Orange is the New Black for a few hours on the couch before going to bed about 11 PM, only to get up at 7 on Saturday to set up and get ready for a garage sale. Yup, no rest for this chick. Back at it again yesterday, doing a garage sale. It was good. It was worth my time, I still have enough stuff left in my garage that I think we will do another one this Saturday, but totally worth the effort yesterday. But again, exhausting. Last night I wanted to crash, but somehow I just keep going.

Watched a few episodes of Orange again last night, I was a grumpy ass mess let me tell you that. Almost beyond the point of exhaustion to where I couldn’t fall asleep but certainly I needed it.  I have not gotten enough rest at all. This is abundantly clear to me.  But I keep going. So I pack my gym clothes and fight exhaustion as I intend to go tonight after work. This second I can think of very little that sounds worse but who knows I might have a change of heart in a few hours.  This is the one thing I know, I am taking it easy this week on all accounts because on Friday I am running another half marathon. 4^th of July half. I am sure my body is not fully recovered at this moment in time for the extreme’s I have put it thru. The thing that has to go is a little bit of gym time I think. That, or else I just need to get in some more sleep. I am sure once I can catch up a little on sleep that things will feel better.  Just operating on fumes at this point.  There is a part of me that just feels like curling up into a little ball and sleeping.

Time to rally. Put on the exercise clothes, chug down some fresh water and power on thru for a little bit more. That is what I do after all. Because at the end of the day there is some sick twisted part of me that loves this shit.