Learning Self-Reliance

Since my gym had its major upheaval in November trying to find a gym balance has been trying. I had some major moments of depression over the whole thing.  I have had moments of self-doubt and overall just trying to find my way once again.  Things will go in moments of having balanced out okay to moments of I hate this fucking place. Yes, sometimes life is like that. Essentially it was the first week of December when Amanda left the gym.  What I have learned in the past 2 ½ months is that in the end I am the only one who is going to push myself and I am the master of my own destiny so to speak.

The classes at the gym have gone downhill as well. To the point of basically I have zero desire to take any of them.  I have struggled a bit to find my motivation at points, but overall I have also emerged as a self-reliant girl who can kick her own ass.  At the end of the day no one else is going to care about me as much as me. Sure I miss personal training, because it pushes you in crazy ways, but not enough to want to pay for it again right now.  I am finding other ways to keep me motivated.

What has emerged is an interesting thing. I have become the personal trainer. Yes, on Tuesday and Thursday nights I have been leading a little workout group myself which includes my mom, my sister Erin and one of my cousins who joined the gym. Sometimes a gym friend joins us as well. So basically, I create the workout ahead of time and then I get to implement it and push everyone else thru. These can be truly amazing, exhausting workouts.  I don’t let people slack! I guess it’s because not only do I believe they are capable but I truly care because these are people who matter to me.  There overall health matters to me.  I would do anything to see them fit and healthy and happy above all else.

But in the process of helping them, I do help myself too. These workouts are no joke and it forces me to do them as well. Of course I try to pick exercises that can be adapted to everyone’s skill level.  Because obviously we aren’t all lifting the same weights. With that said it works for me because I am able to pick up the weight factor that I need to make it a workout for me. Last night was no exception. I worked out a leg day workout and on paper it seems hard, but in reality it’s much harder.  But it forces me to work hard and be responsible and be my own trainer and there is a beauty in learning to be self-reliant.

This is my pencil scratch of a workout last night. Yes, some of the names are incorrect on the exercise list and some of them you wouldn’t understand just by reading it but I get it, and I know. But this just gives you an idea of what I’m doing. 

These workouts take a good hour and a half or more.  And they are GOOD. Like honestly the kind of stuff you’d pay a trainer for and I’m happy I can do that for these people that I love, that matter to me. And I make them work!  Ha Ha. 

It’s nice to know that I’ve learned a thing or two over the past couple years.  I think that as hard as this whole gym transition has been that there is always some sort of silver lining. Like learning that I am knowledgeable and that I can captain my own ship. I think in a perfect world I could find some sort of balance for myself that invoices running and strength training and give everyone their proper importance and place in my life.  You know, balance. Because clearly I am a runner. And despite everything I have no desire to give that up.

Honestly I am feeling some of my long forgotten motivation and desire. It has seriously been months since I’ve felt this ready to tackle life and the gym and being healthy. Honestly it’s about freaking time. I feel incredibly happier when I am living a healthy lifestyle. Not just mentally but actually honestly physically too. Like the foods I put in my body make me feel better and have more energy. I don’t desire to eat crappy because it just makes me feel gross. I’m in one of those modes right now and I love it!

It’s nice to find your willpower again. And that motivation to push yourself. What is even nicer is finding that drive when you are already at a wonderful healthy, comfortable place in your life. Just means that I get to do tweaks and see where I can go from here. Take it to that next level since I have pretty much figured out how to maintain where I’m at for 2 solid years.  I’m just feeling generally happy which is a nice feeling to have.

I think a lot of it has to do with Maui. 7 months is not that long of time. It’s enough time to think about it and get excited and have that to look forward too, but not so far off that it’s out of my mind. I think its constantly going to be on my mind for 7 months and that is okay. It’s a big happy kind of deal for me. Maui always is. It is my place. It is my happy place.  And everything is just lining up perfectly this year for my most epic vacation ever. Of course that would have to be Maui.

I’m just generally in pretty good spirits right now and equally excited and intrigued by what’s to come and that is a great place to be at. Bring on the challenges. I’m feeling very adventurous as of late. Gym tonight is a good run, not sure for how long, I will let me body decide as my legs are kind of sore from last night. And then a little upper body strength. Tomorrow night is my workout group again and we will be doing upper body stuff.

See you all tomorrow with my first week of being back on track weigh-in. Yes, I am weighing in again on Thursdays just for fun. This is my first week post vacation detox.  Weighed last Thursday and then this will be my first week being relatively on track. I am not tracking food really or recording anything but I have been more mindful and conscious of my decisions so we will see what the scale brings tomorrow. I’m kind of excited just because.  Anyway. That’s about it.

Runner's High

Mission accomplished last night, like really accomplished and in a way that I shouldn’t be shocked about but somehow I am always so surprised to suddenly remember what runner’s high feels like.  The last time I ran more than a forced miserable feeling 5k was in November when I ran my last half marathon in Las Vegas. 3 months ago was the last time I ran more than 30 minutes in one stretch.  I have been burnt out. I was ready for the break and honestly I am glad I had the last 3 months to not force it.  Running was not fun, it was a chore and running should always have some element of the fun for me.  Fortunately I still had my whole other entire gym world to keep me going and I am beyond grateful for that. When running has become a chore in my history past I quit, take that break, but I don’t replace it with other exercise and I end up falling apart. I feel thankful that I had a substitute to get me thru these past couple months and keep me living a happy healthy lifestyle.

For the past 3 months I have run a 5k on several occasions. I don’t remember any of them being fun or easy. I remember them being miserable and forced and honestly left me feeling defeated. That a 5k should not be this hard for me.  And of course with that feeling comes doubt and insecurity. Like perhaps all of my running days are behind me. That clearly I am finding on joy in this process at all. It’s like somehow I forgot that running was once this thing that brought me so much joy and happiness. It had all evaporated. I have been terrified of the races I have already signed up for. I was beyond doubting my capability to run even a 10k, yet alone another half and therefore part of my brain told myself it would be okay if I never had to run again.

These are the cop outs we convince ourselves are acceptable because we are scared.  Fear is a strong motivator and guide in our lives.  Sure I may have run 27 half marathons last year but by God fear was now in the driver’s seat and driving as far away from that running path as it could get.

I have an 8k race on Sunday, which is just shy of 5 miles. I have not run this distance in months. Fear was taking over. And finally, last night, enough was enough.  Instead of spending this week or another moment for that matter with fear I knew the time was now to do something about it. To shut up that little voice, scratch that, loud voice, of doubt. The only way to shut her up was to do the damned thing. I convinced myself that if I slowed down my pace a little, not crazy, but just a little and told myself I could not quit until I hit 5 miles that I would make it happen.  I am truly one of those girls who does not quit when I decide I am going to do something.  And last night my single goal was a 5 mile run.

I knew I meant business when about 4 PM at work I was creating a new updated running music play list. I’m quite bored with my existing music I had been listening to forever and I don’t think it was doing me any motivational favors so I started over and created a new playlist to inspire me.  Then I got to the gym and actually set the treadmill for a 60 minute run instead of 30 and quite simply told myself I was not stopping until I accomplished my goal. Even if it proved miserable I would do it and that unto itself would make me happy.

But a funny thing happened that hasn’t happened in ages. It didn’t feel miserable. Sure, the first little bit is rough, it always always is. But I felt comfortable, I felt like I could keep going.  I mile, 2 miles went by without much thought. This is about the time in my 30 minute runs where I am ready to quit. Around mile 2.5 I want to die and am ready to call it. Then I hit my 3.1 mile mark, the farthest distance I’ve ran in 3 months and I found myself not only believing I was going to do this, but feeling amazing.

Then, as 4 miles hit the most amazing feeling took over me and my brain suddenly “got it” it remember exactly what was happening it was as if the clouds parted and the skies opened inside that gym to beam down the magical glow of runner’s high.  And as clear as day, the whole thing suddenly made sense. I wasn’t getting this level of runner’s high, because I wasn’t running long enough. Running a mile or two will never produce this level of endorphins.  This is something that has always typically hit for me post 5k mileage. Around mile 3 ½ to 4 ½ I find my groove and feel amazing. And like clockwork, here it was.  Mile 4 and I was alive. I was completely awoke to the amazing feeling of a good run. I was suddenly thrown back into my element and beyond content and happy. And everything was operating on full cylinders, my legs felt light as air, and I was ready to run! Like forever kind of run. And I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face.

I blew past the 5 mile mark, fuck that, I’m going. And I ran until the treadmill stopped at 60 minutes and I knew this was probably good enough. Had the treadmill not stopped I might have kept going. But honestly mom was waiting for me to do some weight lifting so I knew it was enough. But I ran 6 miles and I felt like I could have kept running. I know I could have kept running and that is an amazing feeling.  It’s the feeling that has been missing for months. That belief in myself. That knowledge that I can do this. That I will find that special moment where running is not work, but instead a gift. And low and behold last night it was all there. And the relief I felt was profound.  The joy and happiness in my heart was overflowing.

My reason for running. Those ridiculously fabulous moments of clarity and peace and happiness. Bliss. So apparently I still have a few long runs left in me. I am not done yet. And those naysayer voices in my head were silenced a little bit. I just knocked out a 6 mile run with happiness in my heart and zero pain in my body. That’s almost half of a half and I KNOW I had that much in me.  And suddenly I feel like maybe I could go ahead and run a half.  I haven’t lost everything yet. I’m still a runner.

My smile was all over my face for the rest of the night. Such a confidence builder. I came home and was browsing Pinterest and came across some actual marathon training plans and my confidence just continued to rise. Holy cow, I got this. They didn’t not seem hard. In fact, they seemed like pretty much what I have been doing for the past year. Run once or twice during the week, cross train the other days, and a longer run on the weekends.  This is pretty much how I spent all of 2014. And something I know my body can handle. So now I just have to get back into the swing of things and I feel confident that I CAN run that full marathon in September.   Of course that is runner’s high still pulsing thru my veins right now.

BEST feeling in the world. Even this morning the feeling hasn’t left me. I lift weights and I can get a crazy high from a good workout, but honestly there is nothing that will ever compare to runner’s high. Something about cardio high is intoxicating.  The feel good and what it does for my brain is priceless.  The best, cheapest drug on earth.

And now I feel confident that in 7 months I am going to be ready for a marathon. That I will be able to pull it off because I don’t fail when I put my mind to something. Because there is still a big part of me that loves running. She is in there.  I didn’t completely destroy her last year.

Today I am a happy girl. A very happy girl and that’s completely because of running. I feel ready to tackle anything the world is going to throw at me.  I feel inspired and confident. Bring it on universe. And P.S. thanks universe for not giving up on me. I appreciate it.

Weekend Report

I have to say since last Friday I am feeling entirely more excited and terrified about life. I honestly went thru a complete cycle of emotions this weekend. Full range of excitement to no, I changed my mind. But for the most part I still am holding to it’s a good idea. If nothing else this “idea” has gotten me here, back to this page and somehow today it seems less daunting to write.

Friday night I ended up hitting up Applebee’s after work with my mom and sister. Life is an interesting thing isn’t it? I mean, we all are constantly works in progress and changing and evolving. And sometimes when drastic changes occur in our life, like my older sister getting a divorce and moving here, it results in these paradigm shifts.  Somehow over the past couple months my sister has become one of those psychotically obsessed with natural things person. Like will not eat anything processed. Must get organic hippie deodorant and toothpaste and then somehow she told me that she no longer with use plastic anything. Like she will only drink or cook out of stainless or glass dishes. Every time I see her I think she is getting more and more bizarre.  I’m all for being healthy and making good clean decisions when possible.  I’m also not trying to slam her but it’s a bit over the top. Especially considering how expensive some of that product is and considering she is poor like beyond poor trying to raise 2 children. It just seems odd. But like I said, we all focus our attentions on different things.

Yes, she’s trying to lose weight I guess, but that’s not really the focus. Nor apparently is truly trying to be healthy because she flat out refuses to exercise or do anything remotely physical, which includes even taking a walk for the soul purpose of walking. So I find some of the ideas completely contrary.  Great, don’t put any chemicals in your body, but refuse to actually lose weight or exercise.  Call me crazy, but part of me thinks that the extra 100 pounds of weight you are carrying around is probably causing a ton more harm right now than the chemicals you’d consume by drinking out of a plastic cup. But perhaps I’m being a bitch. It’s just hard when someone spends an entire dinner ranting about how awful things that I do are. No, she wasn’t bitching about me, buts it’s hard to not be slightly irritated when essentially she’s telling me how unhealthy I am for consuming chemicals. Needless to say it wasn’t the most enjoyable dinner of my life. But I was a good girl and ordered a salad and it was yummy so I was happy.

My entire weekend was not perfect in terms of eating, but it was pretty good all things considered. I was happy with my level of control. Saturday Chris and I got up and went to the gym. I ran for half an hour and then did half an hour of weights. We went to Costco and then did a couple other errands. Took the dogs for a walk and pretty much had a wonderful day. Saturday night was Valentine’s Dinner. Chris and I actually had a double date with my friend Amanda and her boyfriend Rick. Yup, kind of one of the first double dates of my life.  We met at a pretty healthy restaurant for dinner. After all Amanda is the trainer and Rick is a great guy who himself has lost like 150 pounds. Kind of crazy.  So anyhow, nice dinner and then we all went and saw 50 Shades of Gray.  I have to admit that I was pretty disappointed by the movie overall. I kind of thought I was going to be so I’m not surprised. No movie is ever as good as the book.  So much just has to be left out. It felt really choppy and hard to follow. Fortunately I had read the book so I could fill in the missing pieces in my brain but none of the other people I was with had read the book so they were clueless. Disappointing. But I did get all dressed up and looked pretty so it’s all good.

Yesterday I felt incredibly lazy, probably because we didn’t get home until after midnight on Saturday.  I really didn’t want to do anything, and it took hours before I felt myself moving. But, we decided since it was such a wonderful day outside that’d we take the dogs to an actual dog park that has lots of trails and have a “family” day.  Of course my family is us and our 2 fur babies. So yes, we walked and walked and had a great time. Ended up walking over 4 miles and my doggies little legs were tired. But it was wonderful afternoon and I was so glad we did it. 

Again, ate pretty healthy overall so I’m going to take it. There were definitely a few extra snacks going on, but nothing that I would call out of control and that is what is important to me. Trying to curb the binges.  They really are unnecessary considering I try and not deny myself too much anyway. And the exercise was not perfect this weekend, I should have done more. BUT, I was cutting myself slack and just happy that I was active both days. In the end I am ready to get back on track and kill things this week.  Last week was just about detox from my vacation and trying to get back into a happy healthy routine. This week is about stepping it up again.

There was a local half marathon this weekend that I did not do. My body could not do a half right now. And I didn’t really care about the half, but a mutual friend did the race and posted a picture of the medal yesterday and my heart felt that familiar feeling of jealousy and desire and I knew in my heart that running is what I desire. Racing, those events is what gives me a sense of happiness I don’t get anywhere else and that clearly there is still a strong tug on my heart for events. So yes, I need to get back at it. In fact this Sunday I do have an event, an 8k, which is like 5 miles. I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of scared. I haven’t run 5 miles in a long time. I think it’s about pacing me. My goal for this week is to do a 5 mile run. In fact, tonight I might just slow the treadmill down to a nice pace and go for a 5 mile run. Just because. Well, just so that I can prove to myself that I still can.

Regardless, I think running an event this weekend might be one of the best things I can do. It’s been FAR too long and they always remind me how much I love the running world and of course I get a high I typically can’t compare to anything else. Plus a new t-shirt and a shiny new medal. I kind of love those things!

So we will see, but maybe a good 5 mile run tonight followed by 30 minutes of upper body weights. I can probably handle that. Guess that’s all for me.

The biggest decision to date

Today I have made a decision. An epic life changing kind of decision.  A decision made with a ton of fear and trepidation but a very familiar feeling of pride.  A single decision that will not only completely envelope and shape the next 7 months of my life, but quite possibly have lasting ramifications on the rest of my life.  Today is the day that I decided I AM running a marathon. As in the year 2015 I will complete 26.2 miles, come hell or high water.   And not just any old marathon, the completely challenging (travel and of course HEAT) Maui Marathon on September 20, 2015.

 Oh and for good measure I’m not just going to run a marathon.  I am going to take part in a Warrior Challenge, because hell that’s just the kind of girl I am.  This means on Saturday I will wake up early and run a 10k (6.2 miles) immediately followed by a 5k (3.1 miles) and then later in the afternoon a 1 mile run.  Then I wake up on Sunday to run 26.2 miles.  So in 2 days that means a total of 36.5 miles.

 This is quite possibly the most idiotic and challenging decision I have ever made in my life. In fact even as I type all these words I am having second thoughts about posting this thing because what if I change my mind? What if I can’t actually do this? (ahem… said the girl who has seriously not run longer than 30 minutes at a time since November)  and yet that little voice that whispers in the back of your ear is telling me that this is something that I really must do. That the time and place is now. That the things in life we are really most terrified of, are the things we truly desire and are truly worth doing.

 As I thought about it over and over all morning it became clearer to me that this was just something that will not leave my brain. For over 10 years I’ve thought about a marathon. I’ve collected running quotes and phrases and always in the back of my mind said maybe someday.  Why not now?  Despite my lack of running lately, I have never in my life been more conditioned or ready for it. Sure, I’m going to need to get back into the swing of things but my body knows what that feels like.

 It is going to require every ounce of my mental toughness and strength to power thru the physical aspect. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is exactly what I need right now. The last few months I have been aimlessly wandering around quite honestly feeling a little lost. Devoid of real purpose.  Not really sure what I should be working towards and without some sort of goal I tend to flounder. Without a prize to achieve of some sort, I find no reason to necessarily care.

The moment the idea finally resonated with me I felt insanely terrified and somehow beyond excited which meant it was probably something I should do.  Do the things that terrify you, right?  I have never been more aware of this concept than I am right now. While in Puerto Vallarta last week on vacation and during my epic amazing Extreme Outdoor Adventure trip I had this moment of clarity. 

 The whole thing was shockingly terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.  Everything was so fast paced I didn’t really have time to think about what I was doing which was a good thing because looking down giant ravines that you were going to hang on by a clip and rope as you zipped across is not something you want to give a giant amount of thought to. It’s best to just go. Anyhow, at the end of this amazing experience where I just constantly “let go”; we were waiting on this platform for our next zip line.  I realized that this was the one where you can go upside down and pretty much just hang on by your feet.  They were asking people if they wanted to go upside down. I was TERRIFIED. As I watched I said Hell no. I said, No way, I am not going to do that.  When I got up to the platform and the guys were strapping me in and directing me, they say, put your hands here, do this, do that.  They never asked me anything. I figured I was just going normal, right…. Wrong.

 Next thing I know they are telling me to put my feet up on the top of the rope and in that moment I realized they were having me go upside down.  I had a split second of, but you didn’t ask me? I didn’t want to do that. It was a split second before they said, GO, and I was off on the line. And it was the coolest thing ever. It was amazing. It was wonderful. It was a totally different perspective and when I reached the other side I was beyond thankful I had done it. I was suddenly so grateful that they didn’t give me the choice because I would have missed out on this crazy awesome experience because of fear.

 The whole thing was a real life eye-opening kind of experience for me. And I realized how easy it really is to let fear hold you back. Clearly I am not terrified of heights. I’m not really terrified of a lot. Except maybe failure. I suppose that’s the truth. And it’s that fear of failure that holds me back more than anything. So today, when Chris sent me a text message that said I think we should run the full marathon in Maui, my brain started evaluating. After my heart rate jumped up and I felt anxiety and fear, I started breaking it down and really honing in on what it is that I was afraid of and what I really wanted.  For 10 years I’ve secretly chased the idea of running a marathon.  I suppose I’ve been afraid of failing, of not being able to finish. But at the end of the day, my heart, my desire is so strong that even if I had to walk I could finish a freaking marathon.

 And of course there is this quote I literally read like 10 years ago, that has never been too far off in my brain….

 “There will be days when I think I can’t run a marathon; there will be a lifetime of knowing I have.”

 I want that. I want that feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. That knowledge that I am strong not just physically but mentally.  That I can set epic goals and achieve them. That I am a powerful, courageous person who is not content running from fear.

 I’ve come a very long way in my life and I am proud of the woman I have become. I am proud that it has been 2 years 4 months and I am still a happy healthy woman. I haven’t fallen apart. I struggle. I have my ups and downs. But here I stand, still at a lovely healthy weight maintaining my active lifestyle and enjoying my life.  Even on the days when I think I haven’t figured shit out, clearly I have some things under control more than I realize. For 2 years 4 months I have walked the walk and that I am beyond proud of. Not because I exercise like crazy or count foods or calories, but because I have found some sort of symbiotic balance in my life where I get to truly live it doing the things that I love to do (I TRULY love exercise people) and still eat my piece of cake too if you know what I mean. It has been a very long time since I have counted a calorie or written down how many calories I’ve burned.

 I am terrified. I can’t tell you how terrified I actually am for some reason. But there is a sense of still in my heart because I am pretty certain this was meant to be all along. That this WAS the epic goal of 2015. That running Maui, my favorite place on earth, was always going to be the place this was going to happen.  Ironically, for some odd reason Maui is also the place I feel closest to my dad. It was beyond special to him and somehow it is beyond a doubt where I know he “is” if you know what I mean.   It seems like it was supposed to happen exactly this way.

 I had some moments of doubt earlier in the year, where I was thinking I never wanted to run a race ever again. I had some feelings of wanting to move on, but the universe has been sending me signals all over the place that it knows better than I what my heart really wants.

 I have said since last year that I was going to go to Maui this year and run the half. This of course was said last year in the midst of my crazy running year. Not going to lie I have been totally burnt out on running and wasn’t really sure if Maui and running was what I really wanted to do this year, but I just went along with it in theory.  One of my cousins and her husband have gotten into cross fit and working out and we were talking. He was like, are you still going to Maui to run a half? I said yeah. I didn’t honestly know but I thought it was far enough away that it didn’t really matter. I didn’t think anything of it. It was an idle comment made in conversation.

 A week later my mom told me that they were considering going to Maui to run to. That got me thinking of course. It peaked my curiosity and reignited my interest. I told them I was doing it and now I need to follow thru.  Then I talked to them more, and got more excited. And then another week or two goes by and my mom and two of her sisters are now going to go as well.  And suddenly this is all REALLY happening.  Like we all have rooms booked happening.  So not only will I be doing this whole warrior challenge but I won’t be alone.  Chris is going to run the full. My cousin is going to run the half warrior challenge. (5k, 1 miler, and the half marathon). And then my other cousin and my mom and two aunts are going to do the 5k.  But the best part is they will all be there to help me, support me, and cheer me on. In MAUI!  Somehow it seemed fitting that this is the one.

 I was originally only going to run the half of course, but somehow today it seems like destiny is telling me that a full marathon is what I should do.  But you want to talk about the universe intervening on my running behalf.  Aside from this whole story I have another one to share with you.

 This Monday when I got home from work, I opened the mail to discover an envelope from a local racing company.  They have something called a baker’s dozen race series.  If you run any 4 of the races in the series you are automatically entered into the series. Last year we ran like 6 of the races. Anyhow, basically your name gets entered into a drawing, blah blah blah.  There are like 800 plus people who qualify for it, and they have 30 winners. I won! I opened up an envelope to find a card that gets me free race entry into ALL 13 of the half marathons this year. You should have seen my face when I opened up that envelope.   I have doubted my desire to run and I just about laughed out loud when I saw that letter.  I literally shook my head, dialed my mom, and told her the universe freaking is not giving up on me.  Who the hell am I to deny what so clearly the universe is trying to tell me?  It wants me to run.  So I should probably run, ya know.

 But today, I somehow feel incredibly at peace with all of this. Like having a simple, tangible, identifiable goal, suddenly puts a sense of calm in my heart. Something to “achieve”.   Something epic that I’ve secretly always desired but been too damned scared to go for.  I think it’s time. Of course I haven’t actually registered yet, so I suppose there’s always time to back out.

 And suddenly with that one single life changing decision I feel back. I feel renewed and excited and ready. And the first thing I thought to do was come here and write this out. I felt like I wanted to return to this place that has brought me much joy but has felt lackluster as of late. I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to talk myself into it by writing it out.  But regardless I am feeling that spark return and that is worth its weight in shiny running medals!

 I’ve got a very long road ahead of me. I’m not as fast as I was. I don’t have anything close to the endurance I once had. But I also believe without a doubt that I will get there again. There is no stronger force than that of a determined woman.  And personally I have proven time and time again to myself that when I decide I am going to do something, I freaking do it! Once my mind is set on a path I am unstoppable.

 I keep envisioning the finish line in Maui, after my Saturday races, and after accomplishing a full 26.2 marathon, standing there in the horrifying heat, after enduring hour upon hour of torture, and those couple moments of pure bliss. Of the epic-ness of what I will have accomplished. Of the pride I will have when that medal is placed around my neck. Of knowing that I have done it. That no one will ever be able to take that away from me. That is worth every ounce of blood sweat and tears not only that day, but over the next 7 months as I prepare myself for it. That moment is worth it. I will burst into tears. Not a single doubt in my mind. Because I can only think of 1 dream that I’ve carried around with me for so long that matters to me. And this is it. There’s nothing else that I really have always wanted to do but never dared do. This is it and this means everything to me.  And I’ve been lying to myself and everyone else when I say I don’t really ever want to do a marathon; I can’t imagine; a half is hard enough.  I’ve been lying, because all along deep down, I know what I want.

 Go for the brass ring my friends. Life is so freaking short. In fact a good friend I went to high school with died last month, random tragic accident. He was my age, 35, had 2 little girls like 4 and 1 and his wife is pregnant with their third child. Life is short. Don’t delay doing or saying the things that matter.   The time is now.

Trying a new perspective

Guess what world; I am feeling a little better today. And by better I mean, better than I’ve actually felt in a month or so. I’ve been trying very hard to work thru my mental funk and gym crazy. I realize that there are definitely worse things in the world. And yes, in the grand scheme of things I am glad that I am still healthy and my marriage is dandy and my family is okay. These are far more important things than stupid gym drama.  I’ve just been trying to sort out the root of my feelings and that has been tough. I’ve never been very good at quick decisions or that whole change thing. BUT, I am starting to feel better. This is quite a good thing.

I think in the end, some time and distance is what has been required. I have indulged in quite the pity party as of late and ultimately what I needed to break out of it was some good workouts. The last two nights I have gone to the gym and worked out with a friend, Michelle at the gym, and put everything else aside. And you know what, it actually felt good. I felt okay. I didn’t die. I didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable. I managed. I lived.

I’ve bene reflecting a ton and realize that as much as I adore Amanda some of the stuff she told us (Michelle is pretty close to her too) was really stuff that we just didn’t need to know. I know she loves us and wants to protect us etc. But in the end, some of the things I learned about my gym were probably things that I should have not known for my own good.  Part of what was keeping me down was the anger I’ve been carrying around towards the gym. Now that Amanda has officially been gone for a full week and I am starting to adapt to life differently, things are not all horrible.

You also know what part of the attitude change was? Going to that other gym on a weeknight and seeing how ridiculously busy it was. Not being able to even see an empty treadmill for a whole hour and a half. My gym has tons and tons of treadmills and in a year and a half I have never, not once, not been able to get on a treadmill. Not only that, it’s never been busy enough that I even had to really run next to someone else.  As awkward as I have felt as of late at my gym, I can still pretty much use the equipment I want, when I want. Suddenly the grass doesn’t seem greener on the other side. It’s just a whole different set of problems ultimately.

I am not thrilled with my gym. I am not a happy girl, BUT… for this exact time being, I have not found anything better. This does not mean I am not going to continue to think about it and try. I am on a month to month at my gym right now. I only pay $25 a month for membership. Supposedly in Jan that price is going to change, go down, according to the new owners. That might mean I have to sign a new contract. So I am not really excited about that, if I want the new price. Or else I can keep paying $25 a month and remain month to month.  The gym that Amanda went to has a $20 a month membership where you get classes. They also have a $10 a month basic package, no classes, just use the equipment. I might do the $10 a month just so I have the opportunity to work out with her on occasion. Like this Sunday for example. I am going to meet Amanda at her gym on Sunday at noon for a workout.  It is worth $10 a month for me to get to occasionally workout with Amanda.

I think really the only course of action I have right now is continue going to my gym. And if things continue to progress in a way where I am less and less comfortable then I can pull my membership at any point. Being comfortable somewhere is really #1 for me. I hate change as I’ve mentioned and I really don’t want to start new somewhere else. I REALLY don’t.

The last two nights I was able to walk into the gym and feel at ease and just do my thing. Go to my treadmill, yes I have a treadmill at the gym I like and run. A treadmill that I’ve logged many many hours on. And then walk around and use the equipment that I’ve used thousands of times. And be in a place where I’ve spent countless hours of my life and yes, it feels like a second home to me.

As much as I adore Amanda, and I really always will, I am starting to see that some of my stress from the last month or so came from her, her whispering in my ear all the crazy shit that was happening. If I can just go to my gym, blissfully ignorant and just do my thing, it might not be so bad. Yes, the classes suck now, and I am completely going to miss my classes with Amanda, but everything in life is a tradeoff.

I think having seen the past two nights that getting in a good workout in this space is possible has reminded me that all is not lost. That I can quit eating like horrible shit and maybe get back to focusing on the positive.  My life will go on without Amanda. It really will. I can still workout without her. And I can still see her too, like Sunday. It is not the end of the world as I know it.

All of this culminated this morning with stepping on the scale for the first time in FOREVER.  Like I might not be able to even tell you the last time I got on the scale was.  This is what I know. When I went to San Jose I was like 145 pounds, I think I was 144 point something but close to 145. When I went to Vegas I really didn’t weigh myself, the last time I really recall weighing myself was that 144 something. I know I have yo-yo’d since then. And like I said the last month has been SHIT. In particular the last two weeks have been horrific. Not enough exercise and pretty much eating everything and anything I have ever wanted. Copious amounts of crap food. MANY MANY dinners out and greasy unhealthy food choices. I wish I were exaggerating, but I truly am not.  Consequently I have mentally been beating myself up for the last two weeks as well, which really hasn’t been helping anything.

I was terrified to get on the scale, but I was also like, fuck it, time to finally see. I was mentally preparing for like 155 or something. But much to my shock the scale said 148.7. I can completely 1000% live with that. Scratch that, I was HAPPY with that. Beyond happy. Honestly I don’t deserve that.  The only thing I can think of is that all my acquired muscle has been steadily burning thru some of the crazy amounts of food I’ve been eating.  I think I’ve pretty much proven that at this point in my life maintaining between 145-150 pounds is about where I am at. I keep trying to convince myself that I could be, should be 140 pounds but honestly realistically 145-150 is pretty doable for me.

At 145-150 I still get to have margaritas and French fries and white chocolate and buffalo wings and pizza and on and on. With all that said I’m glad the damage was not worse. I really haven’t been on my game in any way shape or form as of late. I know there is room for improvement. I really need to start thinking about 2015 and what my game plan is going to be. What my goal is going to be. I have to have something I’m working towards. I just function better with goals in mind.

I am just so glad that I’m feeling better today. First day in so long that my mind feels a little less hazy. The plan for now is just to survive out the rest of December, enjoy my Christmas, and then hit it hard in January. I can do this!

It's a GYM problem

2014 is coming to an end in honestly an unexpected, unwelcomed and slightly irritating way. Yes, I have been MIA for a while, and when I look back at when I pseudo disappeared it has everything to do with the correlation of the shit storm that started to appear in my world. Big changes on the horizon and as I have previously learned about myself I don’t handle change well. It ALWAYS throws me into major tailspins and it’s when things go flying off track for me. I am there. Right smack dab in the middle of major life upheaval.  Now, I must admit that for some people what I am about to discuss is going to sound utterly retarded and ridiculous and so trivial and unimportant but for me it really is my life.

 

It’s all gym related. As in effective November 1 my small local lovely happy gym was purchased by a major roid raging asshole. We were a lovely happy little family once upon a time and I felt comfortable and respected and loved at my gym. It was a place I had come to love going.  It was a second family to me really. I spent so much time there and have developed major friendships with SOOO many people. I never dreaded going there. It kept everything in balance for me.  This all started to slip away in November.

 

First the lovely gym manager quit. Then the second in command, my ex trainer quit (love her), then new management moved in and declared that our little gym was going to become the second home officially of the Oregon based bodybuilding team, Team DreamQuest. Seriously we are the home to a bodybuilding team. And of course that meant that all the local bodybuilders were moving in and taking up shop. Training their clients in my quiet little happy gym.  And then slowly but surely things got worse. So much drama and crap. I can’t even begin to write it all out. All this culminating with last weeks decision of my bestie and trainer of a year and half Amanda, resigning.  

 

I should tell you that my current personal training contract was set to end this month. My last payment was coming out December 1 for 4 more training sessions.  In November I signed a new 3 month contract. Then a bunch of shit happened and before the 3 day grace period I decided to pull the contract. You have 3 days after signing to change your mind. I acted on that and cancelled. So December 1 my last training payment went out. Since Amanda quit, we fit in 2 training sessions last week and right now I have 1 training session left to my name. Other than that, I am done, no longer under any obligation or contract.

 

Pretty much in a month and a half every single staff member has quit and been replaced by a what can only be presumed as steroid taking macho meathead employees.  Most gym members that I had developed these great relationships with have been beyond upset, and some even in tears over it.  I realize that it’s just a gym and it shouldn’t affect people like this, but it was always slightly more than just a gym to some of us.

 

It has really made me question and reevaluate a lot of things. I was fine as long as I had Amanda. As soon as she was out of there I have to admit that I’ve kind of fallen apart. As I previously said, I SUCK at change. It throws me off incredibly.  I thrive on consistency and routine. I’ve had a really pissy attitude as of late. A Fuck it, who the hell cares lets go eat half a pizza, followed by the very next day going to Applebee’s for wings, fries and margaritas, followed by Mexican and margaritas.  All in the same God Damned weekend. I am not really working out, going to the gym makes me want to vomit.

 

In a nutshell I’ve been a total mess lately. Add on top of all that two weeks ago someone ran a red light and totally smashed up my truck. I was fine, not hurt shockingly, but I’ve been dealing with insurance companies and car stress and drama and then holiday stress on top of that and you see why all I want to do is just eat? Ugh. I’m trying to pull myself back together but it is extremely difficult.

 

Amanda took a position on Monday at a new gym in town. Much farther out south. About 20-30 minutes from the current gym. Honestly I wanted to like the gym, I wanted to fall in love and sign up and be happy and have a new home. But I went last night to try it out and I HATED it. Like really hated it. And now I am stressed again.  Because that was the nail in the coffin, the final reality that the relationship that Amanda and I have as it has been is over. It doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends or see each other but clearly the relationship is going to change dramatically. And I’m mourning that loss right now. I’m trying to come to terms with the reality that things are all going to change. And I don’t do well with change. Ugh.

 

So mostly I am in search of a new something. Something to spark my interest. Something to get me excited and motivated. Something, anything really. To be completely honest I am 100% burnt out on running. Not shocking given the year I’ve had. Not shocking considering how much I’ve ran. I just want a break. I don’t want to give up running, but right now I don’t want to do it. I need a break. So I need something else.  I really, really do.

 

I am done with personal training and don’t see that in my foreseeable future. I honestly don’t know how I’d be able to train with anyone but Amanda. Maybe someday I will find another place I love and another trainer that I connect with, but for now it’s going to have to be all me. The next step is finding a new gym. Sigh. NOT fun.

 

For now I keep going back to my meathead gym where I am becoming increasingly less comfortable by the day. I will try it again tonight.  I went Monday night and I hated it. I declared in my head, I was done and I didn’t ever want to go back, which prompted me to go to the new gym last night, which I hated. So back to the old gym tonight where I fear the worst.

 

Have I mentioned how much  I HATE change?  If I don’t stop eating and start working out things are going to get REALLY rough. I already feel horrific on so many levels. I keep telling myself to just thru the rest of December and start again fresh in January, new year, right? I can do this. I’ve been thru worse. In fact there was a time in my life where I didn’t have any gym membership and couldn’t stand the thought of going to one. Somehow I still managed to exercise. Well, I ran only. And couldn’t maintain my weight loss. Hmm… exactly. It was only when I had the gym and a connection and relationships and friends that I’ve been able to maintain. I need a gym. Sigh.

 

I need to get out of the horrible mind frame I’ve been in for over a month now and just realize that I am better than all of this and I will find my way again. But hey at least I wrote out this post. Makes writing the next one all the easier.

 

I know, I know… stupid problems right? Doesn’t matter, its real to me.  It’s all so real and painful. It’s break up’s and things coming to an end and grieving and trying to move on.  One day at a time.