The year of Strength

Can it possibly already be the end of 2013? This last month and particularly couple weeks have flown by in so much time I have barely had a moment to stop and think yet alone contemplate a blog post. Generally speaking I am not a fan of major New Year’s resolutions. I honestly believe that every single day, any particular day is as good as any to resolve to change something you are unhappy with in your life. There should not be any added pressure simply because in a matter of a few minutes that ultimately have no major barring on your life you should be forced to do something you clearly were never previously ready for. Basically what I’m saying is that the calendar and or clock ticking away should not be the major reason you decide to enact change into your life. True change can only really occur when you are mentally ready to do it. Change of any sort is HARD work and should not be attempted unless you are ready to put in the tireless effort and have the true desire. There is my preaching rant on the topic. With that said, I00% scratch that, 1000% believe change is possible when you really want it.

This morning Facebook greeted me with this post in reference to New Year’s and I read it and shook my head in utter delight and amazement.



One freaking year gone. 2013 is on its last dying moments and all I can do is smile. Smile because 2013 happened. Smile because it even existed to begin with and more importantly because in my entire life history I don’t think there has been a single year as influential and life altering as 2013 has been. Firstly, I survived an entire calendar year caring about fitness and health. That is kind of a big deal for me. Not only did I survive an entire year but at the end of the year, right now, I feel as energized and pumped as ever about where else I am going to go with this. I do feel a renewed fresh start kind of feeling, probably prompted by a new year. I am not making any large declarations or resolutions but I can appreciate the sense of newness that a calendar change can bring. I can embrace the whole clean slate mentality without committing to unrealistic expectations that ultimately lead to disappointment.

Going back to the quote, I have to say that we far too often don’t take a moment to stop and appreciate the time that has passed and to see how different we are in a year. Admitingly some years we probably find ourselves in almost the same place as the previous year. Not every single year is momentous but some of them are. 2013 just happened to be one of those years for me. I am not even close to the same person as I was on Dec 31, 2012. That girl had no idea what the next year would eventually bring. She had no idea what amazing people it was going to bring into her life. The people who have come and gone, some forgotten, some missed but more importantly the new relationships that have developed and blossomed. And of course the memories. Those all too important memories. Some wonderful amazing moments and then a few of the worst times of my life. Yes, 2013 has been tremendous on so many levels.

Self-discovery and exploration have opened my eyes to so much. You know those quotes that say you sometimes have to hit rock bottom to really change or to see the truth of situations. 2013 was a year of clarity on many levels for me. I hit rock bottom in my marriage. ROCK bottom. I had previously thought I had hit rock bottom but I honestly hadn’t. 2013 brought the bottom. It was only thru the rock bottom that any clarity or light appeared. Therapy has been tremendous. Weekly therapy has helped in a way that I had never realized was possible. Also actual medication that was clearly much needed has changed my world ten-fold. Mental illness is a real thing and when left untreated can lead to rock bottom types of situations. It is only when someone gets chemical balance sometimes that one can see how unhappy things were. Despite how awful of a period of time that was. TRULY awful, there is a part of me that feels happy not necessarily that it happened but happy that I survived it. Happy that it finally brought upon the change that has been needed for years. Happy that I am moving forward in my life with positivity and hope.

Why yes, Facebook Quote, It is in fact crazy how all of that happened in just one year. I close my eyes, blink and a year has passed and I’ve somehow managed this year to come out the other end so much more fulfilled than I have ever found myself. Excited about my life. Excited about what I can accomplish and do. Full of ideas. With a sense of happiness that has always eluded me. With real life friends. What the hell? So rare for me. Things still scare the shit out of me at times but I pretty much try to push that aside and do it anyway. That is the lesson that 2013 has taught me. Just because something is scary doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing. Sometimes those are the single most rewarding things in life. Sometimes it’s a little fear that makes life worth living.

2013 has brought so many wonderful things into my life. I mean, I probably earned them, but it was the first time in my entire life that I can honestly say I loved myself. It was the first time that I worked past some of the fear and let it go enough to get out of my own way. 2013 has profoundly changed me and I feel so blessed at this exact moment to have endured.

With all that said I am very excited about 2014. I actually really am excited to see what this year will bring. I am excited to writing a post on December 31, 2014 and to see what this entire year will bring. To see how much more I can change and grow and evolve. I don’t have everything figured out because no one ever does, but I do know that 2014 is going to be good. I feel that. I have no desire to stop growing and evolving into the woman that I am or shall be.

I have this mental picture of who I can be in one year’s time and I’m going to work my hardest to get to her in a year. And just an FYI, this mental picture I am painting in my head is just as much about the inside attributes as the physical image. The funny thing is I am quite certain now that I have found such self-love and self-respect that I had never lived my entire life prior loving myself. That is so sad. To spend so many years of your life never fully getting what self-love and respect are. To never actually believe you were capable of anything. To not believe that your dreams could be a reality. I believe in myself now. And I am so in love with my inner strength and how much I believe that I can really impact my life and those around me. It is such a good blessed feeling. I know, pretty preachy for blog post, but whatever.

2014 is going to be every bit as good as 2013. I won’t say better because honestly I can’t imagine that anything will ever be as completely transformational as 2013, but that doesn’t mean that 2014 can’t be amazing in its own right. I’m going to tackle new stuff. I am going to continue to push myself and grow stronger. 2014 is going to be all about strength. I shall label it the year of strength. Yes, I love that. 2013 was about weight loss and ultimately self-acceptance. Now that I have achieved those, 2014 is definitely the year of growing my strength in all forms. Physical, mental, emotional. The year of strength. I love that. I am going to push myself into new territories. And I am going to keep growing these muscles. I am so ridiculously excited about that you have no idea. Said the girl who was always a steadfast runner. Boy how I have seen the light… strength training is EPIC. There is something crazy powerful about picking up 135 pounds and deadlifting it. Who knew? Or as Amanda made me do the other day, Bench pressing 115 pounds. Yes, building these physical muscles while expanding my brain.

2014 is definitely my year of strength. This is uncharted territory, pushing beyond anything I have ever known in my life and there is something so exciting in going into unknown land. Seeing what I’m really capable of. I always knew where I’d get just running and trying to lose weight. I always knew the outcome. I can honestly say sitting here writing this I have no idea how far I can go or what the outcome is and that is so damned cool to me. I know what I want to be some day but I don’t know what my body is going to do. I love this unchartered territory. Quite honestly I love that I am getting to rewrite my story piece by piece, day by day. I love that life can still surprise the fuck out of me. I had no idea that I would be exactly here today. One year ago, as 2013 began I felt that it was going to be a good year and I believed I would get back to my goal weight of 140 pounds. I just had no idea that all the goals would suddenly change and I was NEVER dreaming big enough. Simply being 140 pounds was never the goal. This girl is capable of so much more than that.

So as 2013 comes to a close and I put the final nail on the coffin I can honestly say that I have never been happier or prouder of myself. 2013 will go down as epic in every possible way. Now bring on 2014, I’m ready for you and I’m going to make you my bitch… seriously…. Let the year of strength commence! (and just to start it off right Amanda is coming over to my house tomorrow since our gym is closed on New Year’s and we are going to do a kick ass workout in my house with all my equipment!... yup, true addict here :) Oh and I have a friend :)

Exercise gal

I have been a terrible blogger this month. I have been so busy and consumed with everything in my real life that it’s been difficult for me to find the time to sit down and write as much. But I guess I’m still writing which is a sign that I have not fallen off the deep end or jumped ship. Actually, I don’t think jumping ship will ever again be a reality for me so that is somewhat comforting nonetheless.

Christmas is in two days. Well, actually I consider Christmas Eve every bit as much Christmas because my entire life Christmas Eve is spent with my mom’s extended family, a giant group of us hanging out and its always a good time. So basically I just have to get thru work today, approximately 8 hours and then I am in the clear for a couple days. I am terribly excited about this. I am also terribly excited about this because as much as I adore Christmas this month has been brutal on the food choices. I mean, downright cookie awful. Downright candy awful. Just plain awful. But my exercise has not slacked so at least there’s that. My exercise has been incredibly on point so I can’t feel entirely guilty about all the crappy food choices.

I see why Jan 1 people make this healthy resolution and hit it with avengeance. I don’t need to suddenly decide to become healthy Jan. 1, but I wouldn’t mind a clean slate, a regroup after the holiday season. I am pretty much looking forward to that. Purge my house of the bad things that have slowly crept their way back into my life this month. And by that I mean Hershey’s kisses, peanut butter cups, white chocolate and m&m’s. Yup, I bought bags of candy under the guise that I would be putting them in the Christmas stockings. The bags never made their way to my mom’s house. They were opened in mine and I’ve been eating them. It doesn’t help that I purchased all white chocolate options which are my hands down favorite.

People falter; they pick themselves back up and get back to the game. That is how this is supposed to work. Yes December has been exceedingly difficult in many aspects related to health and nutrition but I managed. I don’t think I actually managed to gain much weight if I did so once this season is over I can return to hardcore building of muscle and health. I have been giving much thought to what 2014 might look like for me. It is going to be an epic year of pushing beyond what I have ever known. When I gain weight and lose it I have a pretty good sense of how things are going to go down since I’ve done that scenario multiple times. I know what the results should look like, etc. I am now, for the first time in my life, in completely new territory. I have no idea exactly what is going to happen in another 6 months’ time or a year from now. What can I accomplish? What will my body look like? Complete unknowns and there is something so awesome about that. Exhilarating and awesome.

I think I will probably start to see better results when I quit eating like a fat girl but whatever. Just a few more days and then its clean and healthy. I have been trying to decide what I am going to do and I have decided that I really don’t want to do any sort of plan. I don’t want to follow some stupid thing that is not logical or reasonable for life. Instead I want to just eat better. I have been eyeballing lots of healthy chicken/veggie/rice dishes. I want to try and incorporate more rice meals and healthy beans and sweet potatoes and yams. I don’t know, healthy stuff. Good hearty stuff. I am really going to make a more concentrated effort to prepare some dishes over the weekends to eat all week. That is my biggest plan for 2014. I really feel like my exercise is amazing and dialed in but that I need some help in the food department. So much harder for almost everyone.

Friday night was my work Christmas party. It was really nice and fun. We went bowling and had pizza (and yes I had LOTS of pizza) and we had prizes and it was a lot of fun for sure! Saturday morning I got p and went to the gym and did an hour of turbokick and then an hour of boot camp and it was hard and awesome and ass kicking. I felt great afterwards. Then I just hung out with my family. So good.

Saturday night Amanda texted me and wanted to see if I wanted to work out on Sunday with her. I can’t really turn down workout time with her so of course I said yes. I met her there yesterday at Noon and we did legs. Holy Shit, we did legs. This is the thing, in the end it was only 7 different exercises, but it was insanely hard and insanely brutal and it took about 2 hours. That girl pushes me.

We started with 10 minutes of sprints on the treadmill. 10 mph sprints which actually seemed pretty easy to me. This was just to get our lets warmed up you see. For impending torture. Amanda set up a 135 pound barbell for her. We were going to do lunges. I rested the 135 pounds on my neck and just about fell over. I could squat it, but not lunge that amount. My balance told me I would fall flat on my face. So we got the 80 pound barbell for me. I did lunges across the gym with 80 pounds and I was dripping sweat. I would go, Amanda would go, etc., etc. We did 3 reps of it. Then we moved on to squats. I started with the 80 pound barbell but Amanda said if I could easily crank out 10 of those then I needed to go heavier. I got 15 no problem, so the next round I did in fact squat the 135 pound barbell. Crazy to see how strong I’ve gotten. I am squatting 135 pounds. Exhausting and terribly heavy that is. (I’ve been watching yoda and Star Wars The clone wars cartoon with the kiddos so this explains my Yoda speech there)

Then to give our legs a slight chance to recoup before we crushed them again Amanda decided we were doing pull ups. They are assisted in the sense that we stand on each other’s knees to get an extra boost up but that doesn’t make them easy at all. You still have to pull your shit up. I did 10 of them. Amanda did 10. I did 9. Amanda did 9. Then it was 8, and then 7… 6,5,4,3,2,1. So in the end it was 55 pull ups each. I was thinking this was quite crazy because that is an insane amount of pull ups. Difficult to say the least.

Then it was time to do deadlifts. 2 weeks ago when I worked out with her I did 90 pound deadlifts and I thought that was heavy. Amanda decided today I would be doing 110 pounds. And since I could do them pretty easily actually she told me that I had to try her 135 pound bar. And guess what, I could do them. It was not easy or perfect but I managed 6 deadlifts at 135 pounds.

We did 3 sets of 12 reps and that was brutal. I guess it doesn’t sound like a lot, but it truly is. We then alternated between leg kickbacks that work your ass and then leg extensions that fry out your quads. We’d do 30 of one, and then 25 of the other exercise, a total of 3 times.

We then went to the leg press. This is the one where you lie down and use your quad muscles to literally push massive amounts of weight up. The machine itself weighs 167 pounds without any added weight to it. Amanda seriously loads up the machine with 3 forty five pound weights on EACH side. This means its set at 437 pounds of weight. I wanted to laugh my ass off. You want to push 437 pounds. But shockingly I did. It was HARD and I struggled a little at times but holy shit I did it. I leg pressed 437 pounds. This is the part where someone else pushing you is amazing because I assure you there was not a single exercise that I did that I honestly would have done on my own. Or in those weight amounts. No freaking way. Partially because I never would have believed I could have.

It’s been a long time since I dripped that much sweat from lifting. I seriously was a soggy mess and yes my heart rate was spiking all over the place when I was lifting that heavy. So don’t ever think that cardio is straight up the only way to get a good workout. This shit proves it all wrong. I was exhausted and starving by the time we were done and boy oh boy did I feel amazing and great. I did it. I kept up and I killed it. Exercise is exhilarating. I am getting so much stronger than even I realize.

Today I am sore. My quads are on fire, my ass is tender, and my back is a little tight. Nothing that I haven’t ever felt before, nothing that I can’t live with. Nothing that will prevent me from working out again tonight, but just a little sore. I can tell that I worked them. Tonight is one 30 minute class, muscle conditioning. And then I have another hour of turbokick.

Tomorrow morning, before my family gets together, I will be heading to the gym because they are having a special extra boot camp class. 10 AM-11 AM, I will be kicking my own ass in a severe pre-xmas workout. Yup, this girl will exercise Christmas Eve morning. I love that. My food may end up being shitty but at least I will be activating my muscle and getting them fired up beforehand.

Christmas day will clearly be a reprieve from exercise. But Thursday I am back to the gym for Iron Power. So yes, this is exactly how the next couple days are going to go. I think it’s a great mix and/or balance of indulgence and fun and exercise and commitment to my lifestyle.

I am generally so excited to get back to being all about health and fitness and my goals and plans for myself. Soon. Just a little more of indulgence and fun around the holidays. Then it’s back to more consistent blogging, better eating, and new challenges.

Have a wonderful fabulous amazing and most importantly happy and fulfilling Christmas. My most favorite time of the year!

Operation Survive

Operation survive December is in full force. I am not sure what it is exactly about this time of year but boy is this the most challenging time of the year for me, period. I mean to maintain a healthy lifestyle, incorporate my love of exercise and basically not go crazy from busy. I adore Christmas and therefore am very excited for this upcoming weekend which somehow resonates with me as the official kick off to my Christmas. I honestly think I enjoy the couple days prior to Christmas more than Christmas itself. I love the family togetherness, the sitting around the Christmas tree, the anticipation. The happiness. That begins Saturday. (After I spend my designated 2 hours at the gym of course).

This last weekend was all about survival of the fittest. I am content just surviving. I had a great Saturday workout, a great lunch date with my friend Amanda and then somehow I found myself going out to dinner Saturday night indulging in margaritas which ended up leading to something is a very rare occurrence for me, complete and utter drunken feast. The last time I was fully drunk was at my youngest sister’s wedding, well over two years ago so it’s not as if I overly indulge often. But once I start drinking, it becomes so hard to really know that you are beyond drunk and should no longer consume any more. This is most likely why I do not like that feeling and rarely partake in such behavior. I ended up horribly sick and therefore spent my entire Saturday night hunched over the bathroom toilet throwing up. Yes, ENTIRE Saturday night throwing up any and EVERY thing in my system. It was awful. Awful. Completely my own doing so I have no one to blame but myself but it still felt like shit. This of course ended up ruining my Sunday as well. I was so tired and hung over that all I did the entire Sunday was literally sit on the couch, lye on the couch, have a single cracker and pray that I can keep it down. Lie down. Try and sleep. Get up, hug the toilet, and sit back down on the couch. NOT good times.

Mostly I was mad because I caused this and therefore I was in no shape to do any of the things that I really needed to do. There was clearly no exercise for me on Sunday. There was no house cleaning which was desperately needed. There was nothing but survival. Stupid stupid fucking alcohol. As a result I have zero desire to drink even a drop of anything alcoholic for a long time. This ususally happens. I can’t even stand the smell of it right now. Pretty much to be expected when you spend the better part of 10 hours throwing it up.

Moving on. Yesterday I did feel better after a good night’s sleep and therefore I did manage to go to the gym last night. I was in full on survive December mode. My body said that I did not want to go exercise but my mind said hell no; you are not getting away with that, so away I went. And I did feel good. Good decision. I had therapy last night so I had to leave early, only getting in an hour workout. Better than nothing. Tonight is full on exercise night for me. There is only 1 half hour class to take and then I am on my own. Tuesday night is pretty much the only night that I am on my own. I plan to lift lots of weights. I am feeling strength training deprived and in need of a good overall strength session to restore my balance. It will happen tonight.

I find myself more and more looking forward to post Christmas/post-holiday January health month. Everyone seems super focused on health and nutrition in the month of January and for me that’s perfectly okay. It’s right up my alley mostly. Don’t get me wrong, by no means do I actually think I am some horrible slacker this month. It’s just not my finest output, but let’s be honest here, I have gone to the gym 12 of the last 16 days, I will go today, tomorrow and Thursday night, meaning in 19 days I will still have gone 15 times. Not exactly slacking. I need to keep reminding myself of that fact. If this is truly my “off” month than I am totally more than okay. Then I really do have this the way that I think I do.

My food choices have been definitely less than stellar but I truly have come to terms with the idea of survival this month. I don’t think I am gaining weight or looking different so whatever food choices I’m making aren’t killing me. I do look forward to a time, post-holiday, where perhaps the bad choices won’t be as abundant or prevalent.

That is part of my new year’s resolution, well, I don’t really make resolutions, but that is part of my goal or plan for 2014, actually spend some energy focusing on nutrition. Quality healthy stuff. For now I’m just taking survival to the end of 2013.

With all that said, I had some pretty awesome comments happen this weekend. While at the gym on Saturday morning, a woman that I have seen at the gym probably since I joined but I rarely see commented to me. I am always friendly and I smiled at her in class. I probably maybe see her once a month or so and she walked over towards me and said, “Every time I see you, you look more and more buff.” Excellent complement. Kind of made my day.

Then later, another woman who actually is one of those bikini models at the gym. She is nice and I’ve talked to her before, was like, last Monday night in class, I noticed and just wanted to tell you, you look awesome. I can totally see your guns and you have been working so hard. It was very nice. So both of those compliments happened this weekend. Good stuff. So despite it all, despite my just wanting to survive, I am not exactly slacking. Sure, I truly do think I could be doing more with my nutrition. I think I would probably be making more progress if I cared a little more about the quality of food I’m putting into my body but I’m going to get on that, in 2014…. Mmwwwhhhaaaaa…..

I’m actually totally excited for 2014. 2013 has been so amazing and brought me so far and taught me so much. I feel like 2014 is going to be all about fine tuning and dialing into my goals and dreams and starting to dream beyond what I previously thought possible. It’s going to be about making new dreams for myself. 2014 is about enjoying the fruits of my efforts. Its about loving myself and my body and enjoying using this body for happy healthy endeavors.

In therapy last night a questions was brought up and discussed about having a basic mission in life. What would you think your basic mission in life is? It was an interesting question. Not that most of us sit here and think of what exactly our mission is… that sounds so purposeful and I doubt most of us generally live that purposefully. But it did get me thinking. What would be my mission in life? She said some people want to enjoy life and get the most out of it. Some people have epic work goals. Some people’s mission is collect things, etc….

Of course I had to really think about it and at its core I know that my mission is to live my best happiest most authentic life while trying to inspire and help others. It’s crazy, but I do think my “mission” or the thing I wake up for is to better myself and the idea that I could/would/maybe someday can help others to find their paths to. Of course my mission includes living a healthy lifestyle as well. I think that I am only at my best when I am treating myself with love and respect in all forms and a big form of that for me is health and wellness. It’s eating well to fuel my body to push it to better myself. I live for self-improvement.

Obviously I have been thinking about my “mission”. I think it’s a cool concept worth exploring. Perhaps that’s something else I should think about in 2014. Maybe I need a mission for 2014. Perhaps a larger mission is just a bunch of smaller goals which is okay as well. I have always been a big picture kind of thinker and a dreamer. A dreamer who likes to have goals and plans in place to work towards. I function so much better when I have some sort of goal or prize waiting for me at the end of the tunnel. I am goal driven.

Well, at least its Tuesday, which means that time is flying and of course it should be my beloved weekend soon enough. Plus Friday night is my office work party which should be pretty fun. We are going bowling, having a pizza party and doing awesome raffle prizes. It should be an excellent evening overall. Fun times. I adore this time of year!

Happy Day

I love my life. There I said it. And do you want to know what in particular brought this thought on just a second ago? It’s this. I was sitting here and went, oh crap, I should write a blog post, and it’s been a few days hasn’t it? And then I thought typically this lack of posting would mean that I was somehow faltering in my endeavors and then I realized that was exactly NOT the case. The fact of the matter is, this is my life. Healthy, active, fit, determined and therefore I just love my life. I am not slacking. I am not faltering in my endeavors, I am just busy and don’t have tons and tons to say. But I do love my life.

Just survive December plan is still in full force. I really feel that January is going to be a big, kick ass month, like so many people who vow to do things different “this year”… I don’t necessarily anticipate changing anything about my lifestyle but I am looking forward to a refreshed restart. In the mean time I am still going at it.

Wednesday night I had personal training which kicked my ass. Then last night was mega workout night and I felt AMAZING. I met Amanda at the gym at a little after 5 PM. We did 15 minutes on the stair climber for a warm up. Love how 15 minutes of climbing your ass up stairs on repeat is the warm up. Then we did a 30 minute barbell class which Mary taught. Then it was 1 hour of Iron Power which Amanda taught. So overall I did 1 hour 45 minutes of amazing strength training and I felt so alive and high. Love that feeling. Did I mention I felt strong? It really makes me feel so confident and alive.

Today is rest day. Actually I get a massage tonight after work. I will take it. Then tomorrow I have free to myself and I love it. This is what my plan of action is. 9 AM, hour long Turbo at the gym with Amanda. 10 AM, hour long gladiators otherwise known as boot camp with Amanda. Then I am going to go home shower and change up and then I am meeting Amanda at 1 PM for lunch and to hang out. Yup, girl date and girl time with one of my favorite people. Look mom, I have a friend! A real life friend that I am meeting for lunch. I never thought I’d see the day. Then at 5 PM tomorrow I have a nail appointment, time for a fill and a color. I am thinking tomorrow I am painting my nails red in honor of my favorite holiday.

So yes, perfect girl day for me. Also exactly what I need. Today I just feel happy and that is a great thing. It’s the small things in life I guess. We all have those moments, days where no matter what you do or how hard you try you just feel defeated or don’t love yourself when you look in the mirror and then there are the opposite days the ones where you just see yourself and feel happy and thankful for the progress you have made. Today is one of the latter.

I feel like I am actually “feeling” muscle growth in my body and it is such an amazing feeling. I am beyond certain that I am never going to be fully tight or ripped simply because of all the extra skin that has been stretched over and over again but holy hell are things so much better than they have EVER been. It gives me so much hope for the future that if I keep working things will someday have to get better and the plus side of all that is that I truly LOVE everything I am doing in my life and wouldn’t want to change it. This life, this exercise, this eating, is NOT torture anymore. It is happiness.

Single best decision of 2013… gym… Yup, there you have it. Perhaps one of the single best decisions of my entire life actually. Of course it has to be the right gym I guess because I have previously joined a gym and never went. I adore my gym obviously and it just works for me. So amazing to find people in real life that share some of my passion and enthusiasm. Of course it comes in the form of the trainers and gym nuts like me but nonetheless it feels great to connect with people in real life. Clearly that is something that has always been missing in my life as well.

Anyway, back to the feeling muscle just in the past couple weeks I have started to notice and feel muscles in my legs, my upper thighs. Now this is huge because I carry my weight in my thighs and such. This is not typically an area that ever gets muscular for me. Too much fat and skin around it. Still is lots honestly but I can feel muscle coming in now and that is so encouraging. Encouraging for a girl who but a year ago was where I was at.

I am crazy giddy happy with how I feel. How I feel about myself and my life. Yes, happy that my body is getting tighter but mostly happy because my inside just loves to live life now. Happy because I have confidence that eluded me my entire life. Perhaps part of that confidence comes with age as well. I can’t give all the credit to strength training. Part of me was bound to grow up eventually.

I am thinking about resolving in 2014 to eat more greens. Or more natural food. I have to admit that I am just terrible with my laziness. I have gotten so processed with everything out of sheer hatred of cooking. It’s ridiculous! I think I’ve got a pretty solid workout life in place so if there is room to improve or dial in it is the nutrition.

Anyhow, I don’t really have much else going on. Looking forward to my massage to get some of the knots out of my overworked body and then I get to go home and wrap a mountain of presents that have been piling up all week as the packages come in. Thank you Amazon Prime and online shopping as a whole. I’d say 99% of my shopping has been completed online. So thankful for that.

Have a fabulous weekend, as I wholeheartedly intend to!

A class high

Last night I ventured to my gym, cold as hell, bundled up in sweater and scarf over my workout clothes, not really looking forward to even removing my sweater to workout. This is the effects of cold weather. But, once I started working out I felt great. Not shocking. I did a 30 minute class which reminded me what I love so much about classes and the gym. There were 4 of us in the class. I know, a whole whopping 4 people. Another thing that I kind of love/loathe about my gym. I love it because class sizes are small and therefore much more personnel. I loathe it because the numbers are so small classes are always on the verge of being cancelled. 6 is the magic number I’ve been told for classes. Consistency of 6 people. I am slightly hoping January does bring an influx of New Year’s resolutions to the gym.

So there I was, one of 4 participants with an instructor I like, Mary. Mary normally does the workouts with us but as she was recovering from a cold/flu illness she was taking it easy and only demonstrated the moves and then walked around and encouraged people. I love Mary. Mary was one of the first people who truly inspired me at the gym. The very first class I ever took was from Mary, first time I had ever met her in person actually. I saw a few photos of her and I have to say she intimidated the fuck out of me. But that is typical of my personality, fear what we don’t understand. And by not understanding, 6 months ago, I did not really get how women could be so physically strong. Anyhow, that very first class she had a sweatshirt on and when she went to take her sweatshirt off revealing her amazingly chiseled arms I literally had to pick my mouth up off the ground. I was so impressed, inspired and wowed that that particular moment has stuck with me and most likely always will. Her arms were every bit the epitome of strength and certainly something that I didn’t even know I wanted until that very minute. Life changing honestly.

So back to last night. Mary is now a friend and I now have made my way to being up front in most classes. I used to hide in the back of the class as most scared insecure newbies do. 6 months later and I am confident enough that I can either do anything asked of me or don’t care if I can’t quite manage it and believe that I will give it my best and therefore if I am not 100% its okay.

Usually instructor’s beings by telling us what they have in store for us. As they rattle off the exercises I always find myself shaking my head and thinking holy cow that is going to be rough and just smiling and saying, I will try, because that is all I can do honestly. So I just nod and play along. Going one exercise at a time.

Last night was 60 second exercises, 6 different one repeated over and over. In all honesty it was 2 ½ times we got thru the set of exercises, given the time it takes to pause a moment in between, catch breaths and regroup. Believe me, 2.5 times was enough.

I noticed something last night that put a smile on my face. I am definitely a completely capable confident woman. Everything might not be easy but I am capable of anything. We started out with 60 seconds of pushups. Pushups all the way down to the ground touch the ground and then push back up. This is ever so slightly more challenging than a regular push up because it requires complete push up from the ground position on the up. Of course, there are always modifications to any exercise. There are pushups on the knees; there is just hold a push up in a plank position, etc. At some point I usually end up having to slightly modify. But because somehow last night I felt like I was being watched and clearly like I was the most seasoned in the class I just went for it. Regular old pushups. The funny thing is this, I didn’t stop. I didn’t need to stop. By the end I was getting tired but I was still using my shoulders to push my body weight up over and over again. I was the only one who did the regular version of the push up.

We then moved onto Squat thrusters. Basically pick up big ass heavy weights and squat and on the return up push those weights up into the air above your head. After 60 seconds this is brutal and for some reason last night I was just feeling it and decided to up my weight factor. I picked up heavier weights which ended up feeling brutal. This was followed up with bicep lunges. Do lunges and when you go down, use the weights in your hands to do a bicep curl and then come back up. Lunge and lunge. This one wasn’t too difficult for me. I love me a good bicep curl and lunges I can live with.

After this we moved onto arm raises. Basically take a lighter weight, I used 6 pounds and raise your arms to your side and then to your front. This is a workout for your shoulders and after 30 seconds or so everything is on fire. After this we did butterfly crunches which I have to admit I love. Basically put your legs into a butterfly stance, lift a weight above your head and do a sit up and take the weight down to your feet. Repeat. Sit ups with a weight. Love it.

The last exercise I did not love. I never do. It was moving planks. Plank position on your elbows going up and down between hand and elbow. Moving up and down while holding a plank. It is brutal and torture and again Mary offered up a modification for others, either do the moving plank on your knees or else just hold a plank. She told the people that they could do any variation of this as they needed and then she looked at me specifically and said you’re goal is to 20 moving planks, no modification for this girl. Clearly she was pushing me and clearly she believed I was capable of the full on version. It was brutal but she was right I did it. 22 moving planks in 60 seconds. And it was in this moment that I realized that I have come so ridiculously far in 6 months. I am pretty much almost at 6 months of gym time now and I am not the same woman by any stretch of the imagination.

In class last night one of the other people was new to the gym. She said she’s been there for a week and Mary went over and showed her how to properly do the exercises. The correct form for the lunges and squats, etc. And I smiled, not because the woman needed help or because Mary is amazing but I smiled because I too was once there. I remember clearly that first week Mary coming over and showing me correct form because I was clueless, and now here we are 6 months later with Mary telling me that I not only don’t get modifications but I have expectations of how many to do. More than once she told me I had great form and was doing awesome. When she walked around the class to help people out she never had to tell me how to do it. After 6 months I am a seasoned vet I guess. And it felt amazing to still be here, 6 months later, in classes, pushing myself to new limits. The fact that classes can still be effective after 6 months is a testament to not only the instructor’s ability to vary, but your own ability to challenge and push yourself. I find something rewarding in each class because these certainly are not exercises I love or would do on my own.

Let’s face it, I hate moving planks. I rarely make myself do them for a minute at a time. I am not a giant fan of pushups either and yet there I was last night cranking them out and that puts a smile on my face. Yes, I am more capable than I generally believe. We went thru this series of exercises once, and then we did them all over again and then we half of them again, as that was all we had time for. And I walked away feeling like I got a great workout and a solid sense of satisfaction at having achieved something I would not have done on my own.

After that workout, I headed out to man land and spent 45-60 minutes doing weights on my own. Needed a good arm workout and I felt that amazing high come back. That high I can only seem to find in the gym. That feeling of being alive and healthy and strong. That high in knowing that I am improving, ever so surely, ever so slowly every single day. Yes, my goal for December is simply survival but it’s nice to feel the passion every now and then.

Tonight is personal training and a 30 minute class. After that I am jetting out of there as quick as I can as my niece and nephew are in town tonight as they pass thru on their way to the beach for the weekend. So after working out tonight I get to see my kiddos and that means that I will work extra hard to push myself in the hour I am at the gym, to get the most out of it so I can solidly enjoy my time with the kids.

It’s quite nice to get a peek at my passion here and there when it has been dormant for a little while. As much as I adore Christmas and all the blessings this holiday season brings a part of me is secretly excited for January so that I can get a fresh start and a renewed determination and of course setting some personal goals for 2014. I am really thinking 2014 is going to be an awesome year. It’s getting close. With all that said it’s getting close to time for me to change into my workout clothes and then bundle up over them with my layers of warmth and start the process all over again.

Cold Chill

It’s been a few days since an update. I told you something has just been feeling off in me lately. I have lost my motivation. I truly do think it’s the holiday season and all the other things I want to be doing and the freezing cold that seriously just makes me want to snuggle up and do nothing. I have to fight this feeling extra hard. Mind you, I have still been going to the gym. I’ve still been doing my thing it’s just mentally not as perfect as I’d like. Guess that’s okay.

I have a simple December goal, get thru it. If I don’t really progress too much in my health and fitness endeavors that is okay. I just don’t want to go backwards. If I can just stand still for a couple more weeks I will be okay and take that as a victory.

Our weather here in Oregon has been crazy. Friday I went to work and then it started snowing. A lot for us and my truck handles like utter shit in the snow and since we very rarely get snow or icy conditions I can admit that my driving skills are less than stellar. After about 30 minutes of downpour snow I decided to go home. I did not want to risk it. It was a good call because I was already sliding all around in the vehicle just getting home. Not fun. Quite terrifying actually. It’s the vehicle, honestly. 2 wheel drive, light little pick up. Crappy.

Friday was my rest day at the gym and that was fine since they actually closed the gym early and then came the announcement via personal text message from my trainer friend that they were cancelling all classes for Saturday morning. This was an epic blow to me. I quite enjoy my early Saturday morning classes. I was bummed but vowed to go to the gym anyway. Then at about 8 AM on Saturday I got a text from Amanda saying she was going to work out at 9 AM did I want to join her for a killer hamstring and glute workout. I was like of course! So needless to say I got in an awesome workout anyway. Almost 2 hours and I was spent. That girl kicks my ass in all the good kinds of way. She actually challenges me to do more than I thought possible.

We were doing dead lift reps, like 15-20 reps of them, and she had me do 90 pounds. More than I’ve done and eventually it started to hurt. Lunges with weights across the gym. 50 pound squats. Leg presses. The fun went on and on. When I woke up Sunday I was sore. Like back of my legs, hamstrings were so tight and on fire. Guess it worked. Yesterday I was still in quite a bit of pain. Actually, today I still feel it. Yesterday I did another 30 minute class with Amanda. She called it the killer 16 minute workout. And it was brutal. It was 8 exercises, done for 2 minutes each. You can’t even comprehend how difficult it is to do something for 2 solid minutes. 30-45 seconds of any of them is about right, 2 minutes is torture. Then I did half an hour of turbo kick before taking off to therapy.

Mind you, all this time the temperature has never gotten above about 30 degrees here. During the day it seems to be about 22-26 degrees and that is exceedingly cold for here. Oregon may rain a lot but we don’t get this bone chilling cold for this duration of time. It kind of makes life miserable honestly. Frozen practically solid 24/7. NOOO good.

Oh my eating was the shittiest it’s been in forever this weekend. I was attacked by cookies with frosting. Okay, okay… I attacked them. They were innocently minding their own business on my mom’s counter and I found self-control to be something of the past. I cannot even tell you how many cookies I ate over the course of 3 days. In the twenties honestly. We aren’t talking little round cookies. We are talking giant frosted cookies. It was bad.

Yesterday I did manage to avoid the cookies, as we brought a plate home of them for some unknown reason. I didn’t eat them. I was back on track. But memories of frosted sugar cookies and the sugar high ran rampant in my body. Detox is a must. Sugar is incredibly addictive. Real sugar too. None of this sugar substitute crap, but real old fashioned sugar.

On the plus side I had a great weekend just hanging out with my family, making cookies, going to a Christmas bazar, doing Christmas shopping, wrapping presents. It was the perfect holiday weekend and therefore it was okay. This leads me back to my earlier sentiment that I simply want to survive the month of December and if I come out exactly the same than that is going to be a victory for me. Truly.

I am really doing well with being happy and enjoying myself, even if I’m struggling a little with the diet and health stuff. BUT I keep going to the gym so things aren’t all bad. And as I sit here and type right now my muscle are still sore meaning that I am working them hard so I am sure nothing is as bad as I imagine it to be. Can you believe we only have 2 weekends left until Christmas? Only 2 more full weekends. That is just crazy to me. Hands down, my favorite time of year!!!

One year blog Anniversary

So last night was indeed get my ass kicked at the gym night. Honestly, as much as mentally sometimes I might not initially want to do it, afterwards I ALWAYS feel epic and accomplished. This is how the story goes. I arrived at the gym at about 5:15 PM. The last couple months there has been a class at 5:30 PM. Last month there was such poor participation in the class they took it off the schedule this month. No 5:30 class. Shit. Guess that’s what happens when only 3-4 people show up each week. My personal training session is at 6 PM. I wasn’t really sure what I was going to do.

I was talking to Amanda, my friend the trainer, who normally teaches the 5:30 PM class. Last night 2 other people showed up for class but again, it was cancelled. Anyway, we were up front and she was supposed to have a 5:30 client but she cancelled so Amanda was like, hey let’s go workout. So away the two of us went into the “class” room and Amanda decided we were doing a quick 500 rep workout. Um, there is nothing particularly easy about a 500 rep workout. This was supposed to be my light workout before personal training which was supposed to kick my ass. However, this little workout was pretty hard.

This is how it went down. We started with 50, yes 50 in a row, lye on your stomach and raise your body up, superman’s, into a push up. However it was more than a standard push up, it was a jump your entire body off the ground from the push up position. I can’t explain it but it was intense. Back and shoulders were on fire. Then we did 100 knee jumps. Jump up in the air and slap your hands on your knees. You know, knees in the air kind of jumping. The it was 50, yes, 50 freaking weighted burpies. You heard that right. I have never done 50 burpies in a row before. A weighted burpie is when you have a pair of weights (8 pounds in this case) in your hands and when you go to jump up you raise the weights above your head for extra torture. That was BRUTAL.

After the burpies we moved into 100 jump lunges. Which honestly weren’t that horrible. Then it was 100 mountain climbers and then we finished with the most brutal of them all, 100 knee tucks. This is performed much like a mountain climber. In push up position instead of of sliding one leg at a time, you literally hop both legs at once up to your knees and then back. These were so ridiculous on the quad muscles that they literally had to be done is sets of 10 and then a stretch and pause. 100 is BRUTAL. So overall, 500 reps. I was dripping sweat.

What was funny about this workout is that it was me and Amanda doing it together and there were other people in the room watching us who showed up for the 5:30 class but since there wasn’t one they just watched us. It was kind of weird actually. But Amanda didn’t get paid to teach a class so I understand that she didn’t want to have a class but apparently she likes me and we work out together for fun so I guess it works. It felt strange but also kind of like I got a free personal training session but slightly different because she was working too. It’s actually better, plus I adore the girl. Honestly I do. She is such a sweetheart and seriously a good friend so I guess that’s why it works for us.

Afterwards my legs were on fire and I had to go to my personal training session. And guess what, it was leg day :) Of course, right. So I put on a resistance band. One of those rubber band type things around your ankles that you have to keep your legs extended to keep it on, and I had to squat shuffle across the entire length of the gym. It is a lot. Back and forth and then do squats. And then step up on the boxes with weights above my head. All legs. I welcomed the few exercises that were for my arms. A few chest presses and then some tricep extensions. And then back to legs. I was dripping sweat and hating/loving every minute of it.

And then if that wasn’t enough when I was done with that half hour I jumped right into the second half of Turbo kick, another 30 minutes of ass kicking. When that was done I was ready to go home. 1.5 hours of intense work and I was one exhausted puppy. But it was amazing!!! Of course I think it’s amazing afterwards when I have actually completed the entire workout.

So despite not having an official class at 5:30 I still got an awesome workout in anyway. Stuff I would not have ever done on my own. Because seriously who are we kidding who in their right mind would just do 50 burpies on their own along with the additional other 450 reps. Yeah… not me and I am kind of one of those crazies who loves this shit. This is exactly why there is great benefit in having a personal trainer or at least taking classes at the gym. Pushing yourself to do things you normally would not do. Keep surprising the fuck out of your body I guess. That is always important!

Tonight is Iron Power, my favorite class of the entire week. It is 1 hour dedicated to lifting weights and burning out each major muscle group in the body. It is taught by the lovely Amanda. I spend a lot of time with that chick at the gym! She somehow has seriously become one of my best friends. Anyway, I never miss a Thursday night Iron Power class. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. After Iron Power I am calling it quits, as this is day 6 in a row of exercise and I’m ready for a break. Tomorrow is rest day, much earned I might add, as clearly despite my heart not being 150% into this shit this week, clearly I didn’t let that stop my body from performing at 100% capacity. I had some great workouts despite it all.

I had a thought this morning that made me smile. I woke up today and was once again happy that it was Christmas time. And then I smiled because I started to think back to a year ago at this time and while I was solidly 2 months into the process of losing weight and feeling good, I am so ridiculously happy with how much of a difference a year can make. I am happy. I am so happy. I am so happy to wake up each day and love myself. Not be ashamed or embarrassed to live my life or afraid to do anything that I want to do. That today is a good day simply because I am alive and breathing and healthy. And I have to admit that I am honestly very thankful that I am not at the place I was a year ago anymore. I am glad that I am not only still going strong a year later but I am thankful for every blessing this past year has brought me. I am thankful for my gym, and the strength of the physical and mental kind I have developed this past year. I am thankful for my online friendships. I am thankful for my gym friendships that I have developed. I feel happy, full and complete. Something that has taken me a very long time to feel.

You know what else I am thankful for? Honestly… I am thankful that I get to enjoy myself this year around Christmas and eat a few cookies and indulge in some alcoholic beverages and treats and not worry about gaining weight. Last year, I remember trying very hard to be mindful of everything because I was deep in loose weight mode. I am thankful that this year I will still be mindful of my choices but I don’t have the same pressure anymore. The past 6 months have taught me that I can indulge mindfully and still maintain because I have a good calorie burning engine in place now. I did not drink alcohol last Christmas. Not that I am a heavy drinker my any stretch of the imagination, I am not, but it would be lovely to enjoy a glass of wine here or there and relax. I am very much looking forward to that. This is just one of the many amazing things that I adore about my lifestyle. I get to be healthy and strong and enjoy all aspects of my life. Perfection.

And you know what else? Seriously, today, one year ago, is when I wrote my very first blog post again on this website. Today, 1 year ago is when I started my online journey again. I have officially documented one entire year of my life via this blog. This is the very first time I have ever consistently blogged an entire year of my life. That just put a huge smile on my face. I did it, another milestone, and another sign that this really is it for me.

Wednesday December 5, 2012 I posted an entry called Silent Descent, which chronicled my efforts to do this all over again. According to the post I was down 21.2 pounds which means I weighed 198.8 pounds exactly 1 year ago. Yup, SOOO grateful this past year has happened. I am fulfilled in a way that I have never been in my entire life.

So today I will raise my metaphorical wine glass (metaphorical because I don’t have any wine in the house, wait I do, but I’m not drinking it now!), and celebrate 1 entire year of blogging my journey and toast to all the adventures that will come in the next year.

On a Quest

I should also mention that yesterday, this happened….

Read how @emilycanady lost 80+ lbs. after embracing a healthy lifestyle - http://t.co/REj8OhgYUh. #OnaQuest pic.twitter.com/gGKlhYdSKd

— Quest Nutrition (@QuestNutrition) December 4, 2013

Yes, about 2 weeks ago I was contacted on twitter by Quest and asked if I’d be interesting in writing my transformation story for their weekly thing. I was surprised and said yes of course. So when I got back from Vegas, I wrote up something, collected pictures and sent it all in. I honestly had no idea if they’d use it and when it would happen but last night was very surprised to see this.

You can read my whole story here:
http://blog.questproteinbar.com/finding-your-inner-strength/?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=emily%20canady%20transformation%20story%20twitter

It’s pretty crazy honestly to see this as I so often don’t feel like much of a transformation/inspiration. I honestly just feel like a normal girl. I read all the previous transformation stories and am like, wow, I don’t even compare. I don’t look nearly as good as the other people but then when I see it written up I guess I look okay. Sometimes it’s that self confidence that we all struggle with that gets in our way.

So apparently I am now forever immortalized on the quest website with my story. Funny stuff really.

Life Update

I have forgotten what it was like to be incredibly busy. Clearly based on how much time I am generally able to invest into myself one can see how clearly I don’t have much else of a life. November/December suddenly become quite busy times for me. I guess it’s the holidays. That and work has been super ridiculously busy as of late which is actually requiring much of my time. Between work and trying to maintain my workouts it doesn’t leave much time for everything else. Wait, this part of my world goes by the wayside a little. In this instance it does not mean that I have been floundering though.

I have to admit that with all the additional demands on my time my motivation/desire to give 150% to my health and nutrition is hard. I am still managing to make it something that I partake in but it’s perhaps not the level that is has been. But that is only slightly in question. I had a very hard time around Thanksgiving, but who doesn’t? I did not beat myself up, it was Thanksgiving and I had a lovely holiday with my family. It was actually very low key, chill and delicious.

I got up on Thanksgiving and I ran 5.2 miles in the freezing cold and when I say freezing they announced before the run that it was 27 degrees out so I guess that is freezing. I do not run in the freezing cold and I hated it. I think I discovered I am incredibly cold blooded. I was bone chilled. My nose could not stop running which in turn made every drop of moisture stick to my body like ice. It was miserable. When we were done they gave us wine at like 9 AM in the morning. I had a drink and then tossed the rest. I wanted warm. When I finally got in the car I was shaking I was so cold. I turned the heat on and it literally took me 45 minutes to warm up. I had not been that cold in forever. Miserable experience, but hey, you live and learn and I did it.

The rest of my Thanksgiving was fabulous and I really did eat too much. I should have gone to the gym on Friday as I was off and had no good reason not to. I had every intention of going, but I did not. I think I was still in a food coma and did not want to do it. I told myself it was okay to take another day of rest. I did not work out Wednesday night either. I only feel slightly bad about that decision. I mean, in the end I knew I was getting up Saturday morning for 9 AM turbokick and then I did 10 AM boot camp. At 11 AM, I then proceeded to do about 20 more minutes of weights on my own before calling it quits. Really awesome workout. Then I went to my mom’s house where we had a very big install the outdoor Christmas lights party. It was amazing… and I mean, we do a kickass job and it looks beautiful.

This is the thing about Christmas. I do not decorate my own home probably because I spend so much time decorating my moms. Christmas happens for me at my mom’s house. It is the magical land of Christmas cheer for me and my sisters. I am not exactly sure why and I can’t explain it but over the past couple years Christmas has become more and more magical. It is that special time of the year that is just perfect in every possible way (despite not always being perfect) and is completely held in such high regard that we spend the entire year glowing from it. Christmas is just magical family time. Being a family girl I wouldn’t want it any other way. So we decorate the hell out of mom’s house, inside and out and spend our evenings drinking coffee/cider/cocoa by the tree and bonding. It is AMAZING. I wish I could articulate why it has this sense of joy and wonderment but it just does. I think it is this massive desire to be close and just experience pure unadulterated love. This is why I get so caught up in giving and loving and sharing with my family.

Anyhow, after we decorated the outside we got a tree and decorated it. I already wrapped some presents on Friday night and brought them over to put under the tree. Mind you this is just the tiny beginning of presents. We ususally have a ton, but in all fairness, it is presents for 10 people. It gets quite massive. Mostly because we adore the kids and I love buying them things and sharing the sense of Christmas wonderment with them as well.

Sunday morning I once again woke up NOT wanting to exercise. I think it’s this persistent voice in my head telling me that I want to eat cookies and drink cocoa and do Christmas stuff. Instead I instantly put on my workout clothes and told myself I just had to get to the gym for an hour. I arrived about 11:30 AM. I told myself an hour. I did an hour of weights. Then I was like, oh, just a little bit more. I was feeling good at this point. Then at about 12:45 my friend Amanda, the trainer, texted me and said they were meeting there at 1 PM to do a workout. I was like, well, I’m already here so sure. So at 1 PM, I started round 2. We warmed up with a 30 minute walk on the treadmill. Then we did shoulders and abs. It wasn’t until about 2:30 when I finished and finally walked out of the gym. So yes, 3 hours later I guess I’d say I worked out despite not feeling it.

Monday was crazy busy at work, payday and all and then Monday night I headed to the gym where I partook in a killer 30 minute high intensity class and then 30 minutes of turbokick. I had to leave early as Monday nights are also my therapy night. But in my hour there I still got in a great workout.

Yesterday I was excited to go to the gym but once I got there I wasn’t exactly feeling it. I did a 30 minute class and then did about 45 minutes of weights on my own and decided that this was good enough for me for the night. Tonight is personal training and class so I know it’s going to be a killer one so I let last night be slightly easy.

So yes, tonight I am back at the gym again. So clearly I am going thru all the appropriate motions of exercise despite feeling very busy otherwise. All of my free time is consumed between decorating, shopping, wrapping presents, trying to keep my head above water. You get it. Of course I love this time of year and wouldn’t want it any different. I am sure I will be back to my old self post Christmas. For now I am just doing my thing, staying on top of it. But the food choices were less than stellar the entire weekend and even the past 2 days I’ve struggled a little with volume. I just am constantly hungry beyond belief. Crazy hungry. I can’t seem to shovel enough food down my pie hole. Normally this is okay with me as long as it’s good foods I am eating but the past days it’s literally been a pie hole. I ate a lot of pie. And crackers and other random things that are not exactly nutritionally sound. However, I am not mad at myself. I forgive me and I move on.

Today is a new day and I am learning that even a few bad days are not life altering for me. I won’t gain weight and I get right back to it. Plus I kind of work out a whole hell of a lot in the grand scheme of things so I am sure I am fine. I did have a few moments in the past couple days where my mind was feeling bad about my food consumption and told my brain to think I was fat and gaining weight. I am not. Just funny to note that when I eat badly my brain wants to think that physically I am getting chunky. There is no difference in my body. It’s just the tricks our mind plays to fuck with us.

But overall I am doing well and I am happy and looking forward to my most wonderful time of the year. Christmas music 24/7… feeling the holiday cheer.