Hunger and growth

Yesterday equaled epically hungry. Yup, monstrous out of control hunger for this girl. I was fighting against my hunger all day long and mostly decided to just give in because if I’m that hungry my body was probably trying to tell me something. Like I don’t know, Sunday you ran 13.1 miles and now your body is famished. Oh, and later in the evening last night I realized that I had in fact started or was going to start my period so I was like, that explains it. That coupled with at about 4 PM yesterday I started to get really bad stomach cramps. I whole-heartedly believed it was from the diet coke that I drank which I haven’t drank in forever and I blamed that all afternoon for my stomach cramps. Funny how later I realized that it was actually my period which started to put everything into perfect sense.

I ate lots and lots yesterday. Somewhere around 1 or so I caved and ate 2 pieces of almond Roca in the office. I mean it was only 2 pieces so I suppose it was not the end of the world. Since a giant tub full of almond Roca sits in my office all the time and I rarely ever think about it or am tempted to eat any of it, if I truly had a craving for it and ate 2 pieces then I figured it was probably fine for me to eat them. Then I ate more healthy foods, and more.

When I got to the gym last night I was tired and sore but decided I was going to work thru it all because I didn’t really have a choice in the matter anyway. Monday night is personal training and then I take a cardio sculpt class and then its turbo kick. Admitingly once I started sweating and getting a feel for it, everything was fine. I started to get my high and ignored any amount of stiffness my body was feeling. It was a solid effort. 1 ½ hours, 500 calories burned. It’s much harder for me to burn calories these days. Unless of course I’m blasting thru giant runs that is. Otherwise, during regular weight stuff with down time, 500 calories is a great night for me. My back is still kind of sore today, because wouldn’t you know that when I got to personnel training she told me that it was back day. I had to laugh at the irony because that is what I did Saturday and was the main part of my body that was already sore. I just smiled and said, sure. Cause that is what I do.

My trainer told me I looked like I was in a better mood yesterday and I was. That was nice and true. I was in a better mood yesterday. It makes a difference in my workouts. Obviously. The whole look good, feel good phenomenon. That translates to actual mood as well. I remember 2 weeks ago feeling sick and worn down and trying to have a personal training session and it not going all that well for obvious reasons. Yesterday was better. We did kettle bell swings. Trying to perfect the art form of not actually using your arms but letting the lift come from an explosion of your legs is actually quite difficult. It took a while to even get the proper form down. Now I feel like I need to practice and do them in order to retain any amount of progress I made yesterday in mastering the kettle bell.

When I got home from the gym I was hungry still. I had already eaten somewhere in the 1400-1500 calorie range for the day but I didn’t stop there. I was letting my body be my guide. I ate cashews. At least it was somewhat healthy. And then I remembered that I had white chocolate lindt truffles tucked away and somehow I ate 2 of them. Could have been worse. I don’t ordinarily crave chocolate at all. If I do, I prefer white chocolate but if I was having a craving at all, clearly my body chemistry was off in some way. I was still not satisfied and my body was growling at me for more. And then I just went for it, and by that I mean I picked up the jar of Jif Peanut Butter and a spoon. And I ate. Yup, peanut butter right out of the jar. No measuring, just eating. I have no idea how much I consumed. Enough to finally make me feel satisfied because I did not feel like I needed more after that. It wasn’t a jar or anything. But ultimately it doesn’t really matter either way.

In a day of complete hunger I am sure I ate too much but most all of it was at least in the realm of healthy aside from 2 pieces of almond Roca and 2 white chocolate truffles. Not too bad and not even worth anything in the grand scheme of things. Let’s not forget that I spent 1 ½ hours at the gym sweating my ass off last night so 4 pieces of candy are not really a big deal.

If you want to be healthy and normal about the whole weight loss shit you have to listen to your body. I was trying really hard to embrace the reality that if my body was telling me I was starving it probably was. I probably needed all the extra calories I put into it. I am growing. Normally saying I am growing would be a bad thing cause that would typically mean added weight, however, I think I am growing muscles and clearly they need food to grow. Oh, and I’m on my period.

My plan for today is to try and be as good as I possibly can be. I make no promises. I will once again listen to my body. If I am hungry, then I am going to feed myself. It sounds like such a simple concept and yet one that we all so often ignore and then that is when we make terrible decisions. So I am going to eat when I’m hungry. As long as I am making reasonable healthy decisions I am sure my body knows better anyway.

Speaking of food, I am an awful cook on my own. I am not a great cook period. Never have been. Actually I hate cooking. Some people love it and I understand how it could be cool if that is your thing, it’s just not my thing. I have no desire to spend time cooking. It’s shockingly not that important to me. I like good food but in the end would rather eat something less fancy than have to work for it. No secret my lack of culinary ambitions. So when this offer was presented to me at the gym, I jumped on it.

Let me explain the offer. One of the trainers at the gym has a grown daughter (she is an older woman, not my trainer or any of the trainers I work with, but I still know her and see her all the time). Anyway, she has a daughter who is a cook. She has a food card but does not have a licensed kitchen. She cooks healthy meals for her family and then her momma (who works at the gym). Anyway, last week she started selling those meals to a few close people who would overlook her lack of a licensed kitchen. Um, so don’t care here! So 3 days a week after work my mom and I are paying for a healthy home cooked delicious meal complete with nutritional information. Yup, I’m paying for my meals.

3 days this week, tonight, Wednesday and Friday night I will pick up healthy good meals for my body. I don’t imagine I will do it forever, but for now, especially since I rarely eat good home cooked type stuff, $30 for the meals sounds just fine to me. The servings are decent size so you can split them in half and turn 3 meals into 6. I’m sold. I had 2 last week and they were amazing. So yes, I am excited to eat a real home cooked meal tonight that I don’t have to cook. Good food. Yum.

Tonight I go to the gym again because that is what I do. That is kind of what I live for actually. If I had to make a list of the things that I truly love passionately and want to spend my time doing it is a short list but reads. 1. Gym (health and nutrition) 2. Interior Design (decorating, love beautiful things) 3.Fashion (clothes, shoes, etc.) Well, I am sure there are more but for right now those are the things that are keeping me going. Keeping me in a happy frame of mind. I am blocking out everything else to cope.

Tonight is gym, which there is a 5:30 PM class that I will take and then I am on my own. I might try some free weights. Not really sure what else is on the agenda, but I know 30 minutes is not enough time for me at the gym. I need at least another half hour of stuff. Got to build, sculpt and shape my body. That is my master plan. Has been for quite some time. The reality is that no matter what else happens in my life, ever, I am so pleased that I have found a true real love of my body. I love my body in a way I have ever in my life loved my body. It is not perfect. Not by any means, but with the strength training comes this insane love of feeling strong. And powerful and pretty. I feel pretty. And capable. And I am falling in love with my arms and back and biceps and triceps and all those muscles, oh my! This is who I am now and I love it!