Full Family Disfunction

I think I can officially talk about it now because my sister is starting to tell the world and honestly, this world has very little to do with her real world life so I’m guessing it would be fine now. My sister is getting a divorce. I know this is probably not that uncommon at all in this world. This is my oldest sister, the mother of my niece and nephew. It is because of my niece and nephew that this is so incredibly hard. This stuff does not happen to us, to our family. They have been together almost 20 years. Yup, 20 freaking years. Mind you, this is all his doing. Although honestly it should have been her doing. She has always deserved better in some respects. I probably am not at liberty to fully disclose all of the details are particulars because this is a public forum and I don’t want to complicate anything. Let’s just say that there was some incidents that occurred previously that would have for sure made me leave. It is my number 1 deal breaker in a relationship, the only thing that holds any weight for me in the leaving factor. My real deal breaker as it would be for most women and yet, she stayed. She stayed for the kids. And now he’s decided that he wants out. And while it is ridiculously painful and horrific it’s probably for the best in the end.

Of course this brings on a series of complications because she does not work. She is a full time stay at home mom while he is a fireman. She is entitled to half of everything but that is where it gets quite complicated with 401K plans and retirement and pensions and all that jazz. I don’t know, not easy or fun at all. But I totally understand. I will always understand that sometimes in the end this is the best and only option. My heart just hurts for my kids. It hurts for my sister who is in a lot of pain, but those kids are going to be torn apart when the learn. Saturday morning they are officially telling them as per a discussion and plan with a child psychologist that they met with to discuss it beforehand.

It’s been a very tense time around these parts for me for the past week plus. It’s been hard; I have gone thru a series of emotions. He is my brother in law that I have known forever. He has always been there, for good or bad. 19 years. Since I was like 14 or 15 he has been in my life. I was a sophomore in high school when Jen started dating him. SO long ago. It seems weird for suddenly him to not be there. To choose to walk away from all of us. I am dealing with this the best way I know how, which is to fully support my sister in any way I can. But boy it’s tough. Just another part of life I guess. And another reminder of how important family really is. Never take anything for granted I guess. You can wake up one day and suddenly the things you thought were constants are no longer guaranteed. It also goes to show you that you never really know what is going on underneath it all. You can’t judge a book only based on that cover you know. Facebook is the highlight reel of our lives and when you are given the rare opportunity to glimpse deeper under the veil you can see all sorts of uglies. Just heart breaking. We are such a close family that this kind of stuff affects us all on so many levels.

With all that said, my motivation and drive have been a little off the past two weeks. I am still going to the gym every night. I am still putting in my workouts. My food has been shit. But I’m still busting ass. Said the girl who had a personal training session last night and whose upper body is presently sore as can be. Oh yeah, I also ran another half marathon this last Sunday which was my fastest time to date. 2 hours 11 minutes 44 seconds. I have no illusions of getting faster every single time. One of these days I will stop getting faster because I don’t train to go faster. I don’t train at all. One of these days is going to be an epic fail I am sure. But whatever. I’m still loving every wonderful brutal horrific second of it.

I have really found my love of running again. It left me for a good 5-6 months while I fully emerged myself into gym world. But there is something so amazing and epic and freeing about doing a half marathon that I cannot even begin to describe. I am in complete love honestly. I love what it does for me. I think I am honestly only able to really enjoy running this much because I don’t do it that often. If I was constantly training it wouldn’t be that fun to me. But as it is, I get to show up to these runs, and remember exactly what it is that is so exhilarating about the mental torture.

I am running another half marathon this Sunday as well. And then the next one won’t be until San Francisco, April 6. I have a few more irons in the works right now in terms of running. I am pretty sure that running 14 is beyond happening this year and by that I mean, I am pretty sure that when the year is done I will have ran more than that. I love the experience so much. I also love the insane amount of bonding that is happening with my husband. I cannot think of a single activity in the almost 10 years we’ve been together that has bonded us more than the shared experience of running. It is so beyond cool. I guess that’s probably part of why I am so addicted to running, it feeds so many important parts of my life. It gives me a lot to look forward to. It’s pretty damned amazing really.

So, next month, in March my gym is starting some weight loss 30 day challenge. Obviously I am not really competing in it and have no intention of doing so but my old trainer informed me that my picture is going to be on the flyer and poster for the challenge. I am going to be hung up all over the gym on a poster advertising the challenge…. Should be interesting I guess. I gave them permission which is so odd to me that I am going to be on a poster. I haven’t seen it yet. I guess we will have to wait and see. Maybe I will take a picture of the poster when I see it in the flesh and let you all see it.

So yes, this Sunday will be half marathon number 4 for the year. Despite my stress over my family situation these past couple weeks and my subsequent lack of care for my food choices, I actually find myself in these profound moments of happiness over my life. I feel content and happy with my running and how things are going in my own personal life and then I feel guilty because my sister’s life is falling apart so badly. Geesh. I can’t win can I? I’m not sure I should feel guilty about being happy in my life. It’s not as if my life is all easy and peachy keen. I have moments of epic awful and I have to work hard sometimes to keep things happy. I work at this happiness thing and I earn this happiness thing by being consistent and doing the things that make me happy, even when sometimes I don’t feel like it. I have to fight for this happiness thing so I should not feel guilty about it. It is NOT handed to me at all. It is straight up earned.

So I’m sorry if I’ve been a little distracted as of late and not checking in the way I should be but life is getting in the way. If I know anything it’s that things cycle and soon enough I will be back at it. Just bear with me as life throws us for a curve ball.