Have you ever noticed how I am one sappy, big picture kind of girl? Sure I can take life day by day and embrace the present and live and blah blah blah, but I am constantly looking at the big giant picture and trying to find greater meaning, sometimes to my detriment and sometimes where it often doesn’t exist. That’s just who I am.
I feel like my entire life can get broken down into two major categories. Times when I was unhealthy and times when I was healthy. I will refrain from using the word fat/thin because that is certainly not the goal. I can seriously break down my life in periods of time, increments of measurement based on how I felt about myself in relation to my health. My happiness is directly proportionate to where I am at physically. I wish that weren’t so but it’s easy to track and understand. While one has every single right and I hope ability to be happy no matter what their physical appearance may be, that is simply not the case for me. It’s not exactly the physical appearance that throws me off but the confidence and how I feel about myself. These are the things that limit my ability to fully enjoy my life. We are a fucked up kind of species aren’t we? Because of something so arbitrary and often times uncontrollable we chose to isolate ourselves, belittle our existence and not partake in living life. Kudos to every single person who is brave enough to embrace the concept of living despite whatever flaws bother them. This isn’t restricted to straight up weight issues by any means.
I suppose that is why I honestly champion the underdog, the story of the person who overcomes obstacles to do the things in life that make them happy. We all walk different paths and no one is right or wrong by any means, but often times our journeys have similar undertones. We must overcome the obstacles that we impose upon ourselves to be free. Every single time I look back and think about how much of my life I waste when I am in unhealthy land it blows my mind. When you are living it you may be aware that you are limiting yourself on some level but it’s only AFTER I am able to pull myself out of misery that I see how horrifically I was living. And it was all always my doing mind you. I am a horrible unhappy person. And by that I mean, I tend to become the worst possible version of not only myself, but as a member of society I kind of suck as well. I don’t partake in anything worthwhile; I go to work where all I ever manage to do is stay afloat, mind you dressed poorly, complete lack of respect for oneself, leaving me a horrific representation of my company. I’m sure my bosses love it when I am unhealthy (notice the word choice of unhealthy here instead of fat). I then come home and waste myself away on the couch watching TV and eating nonstop. Certainly fearful of ever leaving the house to face the horrors of public life. (Less I be judged for my appearance or clearly unhealthy choices). Some people pull off their insecurities much better than I do. I have an amazing sister who is a classic example of keeping it all together, dressing appropriately and with love and care for herself despite her size. I am not one of those people. I walk around with ugly ass stained clothes for some reason and a general look of do not care.
In a nutshell I give up on myself. I give up on life. These are my least favorite parts of my life and honestly the ones that I remember the least, as a whole. I remember the big abstract feeling it created in me. I remember the periods of time for sure. But because they produced so few memorable experiences they are often times the ones I don’t have a lot of memory of. Wasting your life and potential is far easier than it should be.
Of course the moment I take control of my happiness and subsequent health I start to change. I start to want to live and do those things that I dream about in the back of my head when I am sitting on the couch eating my life away. I find myself often embracing the concept of why not me? I watched the Superbowl yesterday. I have to admit it’s the first football game I might have watched in my entire life, but it actually was kind of interesting and the Seahawks quarter back talked about the concept of embracing the, “Why not us?” mentality. That his dad told him, why not you? And it made me smile because often times this past year I myself have said out loud, why not me? Quit thinking that life experiences and dreams and happiness belong to someone else. Why not you? Sure, it’s scary, but why the hell NOT you? You are as good as anyone else and worthy of whatever it is you desire. Just make it happen.
When you are in the process of living it is hard to see epic things for what they are. It is only in hindsight that we often really appreciate the beauty of situations. The importance or significance of what has happened. I try very hard to live in some of the moments to really get the fullest effect of what is occurring but admit that it is hard to see the bigger picture in the small moments. This is probably why I adore sitting back and pondering the reality of time and change. I often find myself thinking back in terms of years. This time last year, or this time next year. Those are phrases I say a lot. It is a good way for me to gauge where I’ve come from and where I can go.
For example, this time last year I was getting ready to head to Las Vegas to see Pink perform. This was an epic moment in my life. It was the culmination of all the hard work that prompted me to start to regain control of my life again. Of course this time last year I was still in the 170 pound range. I had no idea what was to come for me. But just going to Vegas and deciding to live my life was a huge first step. That single act took a lot of courage for me and I am so thankful I have that experience in my memory banks. We will never regret the cool things we’ve done, the risks we’ve taken, but we certainly will regret the things we were afraid to do. I can think of so many things that I wish I would have done. Lame. I say lame because I let fear and self-doubt stop me far too many times in my life. That girl a year ago who was getting ready to head to Vegas had no idea what the next year would bring for her. Could not have predicted the girl who is writing this today. And I love this idea so much because it means that even as I am fully aware of my potential today, I have zero clues what the girl of my future, the girl who will write an entry on this blog in one year will be like. That is pretty damned cool. Because I have faith that no matter what it is, it will be amazing and I will be doing things and living my life.
Here’s another mind blower for me. In my entire battle of my weight, 10 plus years, I have consistently come back to running. My life may fluxuate up and down but every single time I get healthy I run. Some of it is because it’s what I knew to do, but on a much deeper level we all know it’s because I have the heart of a runner. There is nothing in this world that frees me like a good endorphin producing run. I may go astray at points in my life but my heart will always come back to running. It is the one thing that I can do for me, and only me. I am not doing it for another soul but instead of feed my own soul. 10 years of this love and it was only last September that I ran a race for the first time. I spent the better part of 10 years being terrified to run in public. Being terrified of I am not exactly sure what. Not being good enough? For who? Running is only about you and you alone. And yet it took me 10 years to learn this lesson. In the past 4 months I have completed 4 half marathons. Prior to that my entire life nothing nada. Wait, I ran one 5k once like 4 years ago but it barely counts.
It took me 10 years to believe in myself enough to decide it was time to go the distance, literally. And in true Emily fashion, it had to be half marathons. In my heart I do know that someday I will run one full marathon. I don’t know that I will run more than one because that seems crazy to me, but I will do one. But the time is not now, it is not this year. I will have to train for that and I am not ready yet. I just want to enjoy the happiness that running is bringing me. I want to enjoy the things I am accomplishing. I still think 13.1 miles is a respectable distance. I think the half marathon is still a hard enough challenge all around. I’m not going to lie, it is still HARD and a lot of work to run for 2 plus hours. 2 hours 12 minutes to be exact this last weekend. By about an hour and a half I want to quit. I think that is what I love about running so much. After 90 minutes my body wants to quit but I have to use my mental strength to keep going. I love the feeling of overcoming the mental battle with oneself. I love crossing the finish line. That is the biggest HIGH I have ever gotten in my entire life. I am addicted to the high of crossing a finish line.
I think it’s knowing that I overcame the mental challenge and finished. I don’t know if I’d love the finish line crossing as much if I didn’t have a struggle that I overcame. Is that weird? I think that’s why I am not addicted to running 5k’s which are clearly a much easier distance. There is no struggle and therefore no reward at this point for me. I think it’s an amazing thing to overcome, if that is where you are at. I am not going to knock someone running a 5k at all. I know what goes into every single step of it and it can be challenging as well. I hope no one takes offence by that. Whatever level you are at, the point is you need to push yourself. For me the pushing comes at the half marathon distance. Okay, really after 10 miles and it is HARD. 10 miles is ususally my body’s break point.
I am not sure why it has taken me 10 years to realize that running half marathons produces this euphoric high in myself. It is a challenge and a struggle every time, but the reward is epic. The sense of self is profound afterwards. The more I do it, the more I want it. I am a drug addict waiting for my next fix. And yet, every time I start a race and the first few miles are epically hard I think to myself, why the hell am I doing this? Why do I want to do this? When I am at mile 3 of 13 I wonder what the fuck I am doing. But I keep running. I guess that’s the point. I just keep going no matter what and that is the metaphor I take away from it. That is the endurance and perseverance that carries me thru, this is the symbol of my entire life. I keep going. Even when I want to quit, even when I have failed, I just keep going. Just a little bit longer and surely eventually I will overcome. I WILL cross that finish line and get my medal of honor. I won’t ever win any races. My time will never be beyond stellar, but that is beyond the point for me. The point is that I ran 13.1 miles, even when it got so tough I wanted to quit, I didn’t. Even when my body was exhausted, I ran.
I guess that is what I love about half marathons so much. They are the ultimate symbol for my entire life. When things get tough, I will push thru and overcome. I can walk this journey because my heart is that of a champion, a fighter. I won’t quit because it’s tough. I will endure. Time and time again I will rise to the challenge and endure the struggle because the ultimate reward is life. It is living my life. I will smile because I lived my life, finally, on my terms.
Starting a half marathon 13.1 mile run is not easy even for me. I have to stare down what I know is a long rough road. But it is always worth it. I learn something more about myself every single time. I am 1000% in now. I am in this for my goal this year. I am going to run my heart out this year and embrace my life. I am going to make up for the past 10 years where I was too afraid to embrace publically running. I am going to make up for the happiness I have denied myself for far too long. I will succeed at this because I believe it in my heart. 14 in 14 are happening. And when it gets tough I will reread one of these posts that reminds me the struggle is worth the reward. And some day, maybe a year from now, maybe years from now I will smile because it was life and I decided to live it!
No comments:
Post a Comment