Monday, November 9, 2015

I'm still breathing

I know I’ve been MIA for a little while. Truthfully I’ve felt like I kind of lost my mind temporarily for a bit there.  It’s a series of factors all lining up all at once to create the most “off” mood.  It’s like the normal let-down of post accomplishing epic goals coupled with pure exhaustion and burnout and then on top of it the weather changing into cold and depressing territory.  It was inevitable that my high would come crashing down. I didn’t expect it to be quite so epic.  Honestly it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain that truly exists as well.  I tend to run away and hide from the world in such times.  Truthfully I have shut down from most parts of my life. I can’t exactly tell you why but I haven’t talked to or seen my family in weeks.  It’s bizarre for me. Of course I am still talking to and seeing Chris because well obviously he is my husband and we live in the same house so that is unavoidable.  Not that I would want to avoid him anyway.

I’ve been trying to work out my own inner demons.  They still exist and sometimes get the better of me. I have honestly been so majorly depressed for no good reason and I thought it better to avoid real life as a result.  I have been doing a better job the last week of sticking to some medications and trying to pep myself up and I guess that’s working okay.  Depression is a VERY real and very serious thing.  Let’s not forget that I come from the same genetic gene pool as a man who killed himself.  I am not trying to sound all poor me, but I’m just stating the truth.  I suffer from my own moments of mental issues that are completely derivative of both genetics and environment. 

Which leads me back to running.  Why running is so important in my life because it helps deal with the mental fog that I sometimes get in.  BUT alas, as the weather turns it gets harder to run outside and feel that freedom.  It’s sort of a catch 22 you see because I am tired and exhausted from running and want a break but the longer I take a break the more mentally depressed and unsure of myself I become.  I start to get panic attacks that I am going to lose all my ability to run.  And mentally I start to beat myself up as self-doubt enters the brain.  It’s all so stupid I know.  This Friday I leave for Vegas.  I feel like I should be more excited than I am.  It will be fun and I will have a great time I am sure.  But I also have a panic moment of what if I can’t run 13.1 miles?  I’ve been utterly slacking in my running as of late.  The last time I ran any major distance was on October 25 when I ran my last marathon.  That’s 3 full weeks.  Sure I ran some distances in between.  Like 3 or 4 milers during the week, but nothing more than like 4 miles. And it was hard. But the treadmill is always harder than outside. 

I’m getting into panic mode that what occurred last year is going to repeat itself. History always repeats itself right? After Vegas last year I didn’t run. Like not much at all. And consequently running got VERY hard.  Terrifyingly hard.  I don’t want that to happen again.  Today I went ahead and signed up for 2 half marathons after Vegas. One on November 29 and one on December 13.  Most likely these will be awful weather kind of runs. But it is what it is.  I am not sure if this was a really smart or really stupid idea. Probably a little of both.  Part of me wants to leave Vegas and not run again for months but the other part of me knows that ultimately it would cause me more stress. Even if I grit out shitty times, at least I will be putting the miles in and mostly at this point that is all that matters.

Trutfully I’m more freaked out because I can’t stop eating and I know I’ve gained like 10 pounds post Maui.  I am pretty much not joking.  I not only eat whatever I want, but I eat excessively shitty things.  Like since returning from Maui I have consumed all by myself not a like, 5 or 6 entire tubs of frosting.  Yes, I eat Rainbow Chip frosting by the spoonful right out of the tube.  It’s my favorite frosting ever and they recently brought it back. I am pretty sure that you aren’t supposed to just sit and eat frosting like it’s a candy.  Not to mention the constant Mcdonalds and other treats I somehow find myself justifying.  Bags of Oreos? Yup.  It’s cool. I can eat whatever I want, right?  WRONG.  I know its all wrong.  And all of it is just succeeding in making me feel worse.

This last weekend I did not exercise once. I took off Friday night and then all weekend. I didn’t leave the house but once on Saturday to go to the store to buy crappy ass food to eat. I ate and ate and watched TV and movies for almost 48 hours straight. And slept.  It was the most self-indulgent, inactive weekend I think I’ve had all year.  Not a lie.  And while resting felt good, it also felt horrible.  I can’t shake the you are a failure self-talk.  And the fear. Truthfully it’s the fear that because I have only successfully loaded my body with junk that I am going to be slow as fuck running.  That I won’t be able to endure 13 miles and it will be slow.   And honestly going to Vegas this weekend doesn’t produce high hopes for eating better. It’s Vegas. 

But maybe AFTER Vegas, right?  God I hope. REALLY hope that I can pull my shit together. Its called zero motivation at all. I give zero fucks about anything and it REALLY is showing in my behaviors. And if I’m not carefully it’s really going to start showing on my body very soon. I feel like I can already tell. But that is more so probably my brain beating me up than anything major physically.   But I realistically know if I don’t stop my behaviors it will be real all too soon.  Get thru this week, get thru Vegas and then fresh start? Please please pretty please.

I hate feeling this way. I hate depression and what it does to your mind. I hate that I have to deal with it at all. I hate that I can’t just ride the happy wave of feelings for well forever honestly.  But life doesn’t work that way. Never has.  We all have ups and downs.  I happen to be in the down right now. I will pick myself up and dust myself off and find a way out of this. I know I will.


Pg_Ro said...

I'm sorry you are struggling right now. I'm glad you posted and acknowledged it. I hope you have fun in Las Vegas and that it helps get you out of your head. It's probably good that you signed up for some races to give you some confidence that you are still a runner and haven't lost all running ability just because you've had some bad weeks.

Hang in there.

Jaime Cline said...

I am so sorry you are struggling- I feel like I could have wrote your post but for some different reasons. Yes depression is a huge thing and you are doing a good thing writing about it and acknowledging it. Signing up for races is a good thing- because as we all know, you follow through and do them. Hang in there my friend, you are doing so well even if you don't believe it. I hope you have fun in Vegas- you so deserve it and maybe it will be what you need to help with the depressed phase going on.

Unknown said...

I love your honesty. Know that you are not alone and that you won't feel like this forever, it will get better.

Unknown said...

Happy New Year--hope you are off to a good start!