Hello innocent, naïve, sad and depressed Emily….
(I.E. a letter to Emily on October 5, 2012)
It’s us, Emily, coming to you again from the future. I know, another letter right. Didn’t you get
one of these like 2 years ago? Yup. You got a letter from the future on October
5, 2013. But guess what, we are now 3
years into the future and I felt it was appropriate to follow up with you
today. The woman we are today needs to write this letter to remind herself of
the women you are in fact on October 5, 2012.
Does that make sense? Time travel is complicated right?
Oh sad Emily, if only you could have a crystal ball to see
the future that awaits you. Those sad
tears you’ve been sheading an awful lot of would all be happy and shed because
of profound disbelief. That crystal ball
would look like a sheer liar to you. But
oh how much you’d love to see the images because I know you. I know 2012 Emily
and the things we are doing today would blow your mind and you probably would
think that magic ball was showing you your hearts desires not reality.
You in fact still to this day remain my hero 2012 Emily and
let me tell you why. It’s easy to keep going and growing when you feel
fabulous. It’s easy to dream for the stars and work towards it when you already
feel capable. It’s a much different
story when you feel defeated and weak and are emotionally as well as physically
broke. You are broken. I remember very
clearly how broken you are. And somehow
despite it all, you mustered up the last little bit of strength you possessed to
make this very life altering change today.
Yes, today, October 5, 2012 you put into motion the most monumental
shift of your life. I will forever be
thankful for the bravery and courage you have shown today. I am proud of
you. You are the biggest reason I am
here, 3 years later, able to write this letter.
You are the inspiration. You are
the woman who didn’t give up on herself. Everything I do today feels easy in
comparison to what you endured.
Just days ago you sat in that Old Navy parking lot and cried
your eyes out. I have never forgotten that pivotal moment in time. And today you simply had enough,
finally. Today is the day you just
decided to love yourself enough. In some ways it was the hardest thing you’ve
ever done. In some ways, it was also
easy and a relief. Because for whatever
reason it was all right this time. Finally. Magically. Everything was just
right. But I know as you start this day October 5, 2012… that you have no way
of knowing that this really is it for us. I know you feel like it’s different but
that all of your past failed attempts at this are playing over and over in your
mind. That the reflection you see in the
mirror, when you actually force yourself to look at it makes you so sad. Sad mostly because of how many times you’ve
gone up and down. You’ve had brief
moments or glimpses of a different healthier life. A happier existence. But none of it will even come close to the
life you are living right now.
The letter you got 2 years ago from the future told you that
you’d be happier than you ever knew possible.
That woman 2 years ago that wrote you that letter still had no
clue. Isn’t that funny? She was far and away happier than you could
ever imagine. That woman talked about
the journey that she really was just beginning into the real fitness
world.
You know what else, that woman from 2013 is also an
inspiration to me. That woman from 2013,
after having lost all the weight in 8 months stood at that crossroads where we’ve
travelled down a million times and made a different choice. For the first time
in her life, 2013 Emily finally got out of her own way and loved herself enough
to not quit when she got to goal. 2013
Emily joined a gym and despite serious amounts of pent up anxiety ran a half
marathon. The woman who wrote you on
October 5, 2013 had just run her first half marathon. She was beyond proud of
that. Oh Emily, do you even want to know
where it has gone from there?
I hate to give you information overload today, on this
magical October 5 2012 date. Because you
are already terrified enough as it is. I
am sure hearing the idea that you ran a single half marathon is overwhelming
enough but I might just blow your mind. In
exactly 3 years from this very day Emily, you will have ran countless 5 and
10ks, and 44 half marathons. Yes, that was not a typo or a doubling up of the
number 4. 44 half marathons and 2 full marathon(s)
in 2 weeks time nonetheless. A marathon in Maui. Did I mention that part? Actually reading this letter on October 5,
2012, I can tell you you’ve gone to Maui twice honestly in the next 3 years. In
addition to Maui twice you’ve gone to Vegas 3 time, you will travel to Arizona
and San Francisco, San Jose, San Diego, Seattle, and even Puerto Vallarta
Mexico. What the hell you might be
asking yourself just about now. This is clearly all lies, right?
But you do know how desperately you’ve always wanted to live
life. How much you’ve spent your entire existence hiding from the world. At
times because you were ashamed, and even when you weren’t ashamed because you
just didn’t really love yourself. All
those other times you lost weight, you didn’t really figure anything out. You
went thru the motions but you never touched the inside. The real core of the problem. This time is so unbelievably different. Well, hell, this letter being 3 years out is
proof enough of that. We’ve never done 3
years right?
In 2013 you called yourself an athlete. You were certainly on that path. You had unleased the warrior beast inside of
you. You knew that you were never going
back at that point. But you really were just touching the surface of what you
were capable of. And as certain as I am that your mind is being
blown right now and how proud we are of
2015 Emily I am also equally certain that 2016 or 2017 Emily will laugh at this
version of us. This I believe whole
heartedly. We are nowhere near done with
where we are destined to go. But from
this date in the future, we are pretty damned with our accomplishments. But all of the runs we’ve done or physical
accomplishments we’ve achieved pale in comparison to the real true gift we’ve received.
The feeling of self-love.
Can we talk about how broken you feel right now today and
how much you have no idea what self-love really is. In comparison I want to tell you that there
is nothing in life as rewarding as loving yourself, really honestly truly. And while it took losing weight to get to
this place, that it ultimately had very little to do with the weight loss.
Funny, right?
Your greatest accomplishment 3 years later is not losing the
weight or running a marathon (although that is pretty cool!) but it’s simply
learning to be in love with yourself. I am most proud of that. I never knew I
could love myself this much. Maybe that
sounds selfish but it’s not. It’s not
because being this in love with yourself and your life means you are the best
possible version of yourself to share with the world. I think you believed you were in love with
yourself when you were thin before but we both knew something was always
off. That despite knowing you “should”
be happy you could never quite the inner critic in your head or the voices that
nagged at you reminding you that you weren’t good enough. In hindsight this is probably one of the
biggest reasons we always failed at this game before. We never felt the way we
thought we should feel when we lost weight.
It didn’t make us love ourselves any more. It’s sad right?
But guess what Emily, I am here today, to tell you that
self-love is finally ours. Selfishly, I
wake up every single day in love with myself.
Loving yourself doesn’t mean we don’t have flaws or are perfect in any
way. Unfortunately we still make tons of
mistakes and regret a ton of our decisions.
But that isn’t what self-love means.
It means that I understand my flaws and limitations and love myself
anyway. That yes, our body shows many
visible signs of the long journey we’ve put it thru. I don’t want to freak you out or burst your
little bubble but we are never going to have a model body. We have areas and issues that will never go
away. And you know that. You’ve lose
weight before and those nagging issues are part of what previously prevented us
from loving yourself. Emily, we’ve
finally for whatever reason found a way to come to peace with our body just as
it is. Isn’t that crazy? I can honestly tell you that 3 years later,
you love your body. You love yourself,
but more specifically you love the image you see in the mirror, flaws and all.
Saggy skin and all. It just doesn’t bother you the way it once did.
I believe that somewhere along the line, while you were
finding yourself in the arena of running and being an athlete and chasing your
dreams that you developed an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment and greater
purpose that the physical aspects no longer mattered at all. What was once upon a time in your life all
about the pursuit of weight loss morphed into the pursuit of living life. And when your goal is to not limit yourself
and live an epic existence, the material seems so unimportant. Don’t get me wrong we didn’t undergo a
personality transplant Emily. We still care about how we look and enjoy fashion
and looking pretty. And yes, there is still a touch of the vain to us. We are who we are after all. But all of those things are secondary to what
really matters in life. Living it fully.
I know on this day as you weight 220, 225, or something above (we don’t know because we don’t like to
weigh ourselves) that all of the stuff I’m saying to you is amazing but simply
unbelievable. I also know that as
shocking as it all sounds there is a small little part of you that knows this
can all be true. That knows that you’ve carried around the idea of a marathon
in your heart most of your adult life.
That even though you are starting this journey today, that you are fully
aware that you were always meant to live a different existence. That somehow you just got unbelievably off
course on the path you were supposed to walk down- scratch that- run down. And I don’t know, I’m guessing at this point
that it’s been exactly the right path all along. That every single one of those failed
attempts at weight loss and all the heartache and tears shed have been
necessary to become this woman we are today.
Without the struggle we couldn’t fully appreciate who we are. The struggle is part of our story. It is part of what makes us great. The struggle is what finally will prove to
prevent us from ever returning to our former life.
As time ticks by, and you fade farther and farther into the
past, I want to honor you in any way I can. I want to remember your place in my
life. And I want to constantly thank you for your insane bravery on this day
that has forever changed us. October 5,
2012 is the day. Single handedly one of the most significant days in our
life. It ranks right up there. This day will forever hence forth hold a very
special place in our heart. It’s the day
everything changed. In the best possible
way.
Thank you. The 2
simplest words imaginable and yet they couldn’t possibly ever be enough. Thank you Emily. Thank you for never giving up on your
dreams. Thank you for choosing one more
time, to do this, even though you thought the odds might be against you. Thank you for that one final act of
bravery. 2012 Emily, it all ONLY gets
better from here on out. It’s not always
perfect. There are still many rough patches to go. Ups and downs, but that’s
just life. But you now possess all the
tools you need to know that you can and will get thru anything this world
throws at you.
You 2012 Emily are the bravest soul I’ve ever known. Chin up.
Your world is about to be rocked.
-2015 Emily
(Badass athlete, fit chick, marathoner, runner, and
completely in love with life!)
