Woo hoo life

 Woo hoo life! Yes, I really said that today.  I feel so much better after my yesterday. Just getting thru the first day back post vacation is typically hard. But mostly it was so good to feel in control again of my food and exercise. Yes, I had a day of good solid clean eating and boy do I feel so much better as a result.  And then there was the gym.  I needed a good workout back on track to remind me that I won’t fall apart. That even if I go on vacation I will always return to my normal way of life. Or at least what is now normal for me.

I really want to dial in on some new goals or plans. Marathon training has in fact changed me.  I didn’t realize how much these last 4 months have made me a different person.  A person who loves life and embraces everything.  How much I freaking love a solid plan. I need a new solid plan of action. I’m going to figure something out. I am certain of that.  This is what I know. I love running. Yes, there was a period of time where I struggled with trying to figure out running vs. gym and lifting in my life.  There was a time where I had a hard time identifying myself as a runner.  But ultimately running is what brings me my greatest feeling of personal satisfaction and worth.  I don’t ever want to lose that part of me.  And I don’t have to.  Lifting weights and having muscles is fabulous and I also don’t want to quit being that girl either.  I know, I want it all.  Always have.  But the truth is, In the last 4 months of my life I have figured out a way to truly be happy and be regimented and still live a fabulous healthy life.

I have never been more clear about who I am than I have been the last 4 months.  I know what it takes to make myself happy.  Running and achieving goals will always be a part of that.  A strong part of that.  I am a runner for life.  I have also developed such a strong sense of self that I realize that aside from Amanda I know no one as regimented and determined as myself.  I know I possess everything I need to be successful already inside of me.  I am past the point in my life where I “need” someone else to guide or direct me.  I know what to do all on my own.  In essence I’ve been at this long enough I am capable of being my own personal trainer as well as someone else’s probably.  Although I have no official actual certificate that says this, I know I could. I’m not trying to train anyone else at this point.  I am more than happy with possessing enough motivation and knowledge to simply no longer fear any gym or any workout life “on my own”  I am glad I have Amanda in my life and I am certain that she will always be in my life but I don’t need her anymore. I love her, and I appreciate her in my life and will always go to her for guidance and encouragement because we all can use that but I don’t “need” her to succeed. This is a fabulous feeling.

I have a hard time putting my finger on exactly what it is about marathon training that changed me so much or how it changed me, but I know the biggest thing I have walked away with is confidence. Confidence in myself in a way that I have simply never possessed in my life.  Coming from a girl who ran half marathons like it was my job, it still didn’t accomplish the same thing as a marathon.  For some reason running half’s always well made me feel like I was half way doing it.  Like somehow, a half wasn’t really enough.  That to be a true runner I had to run a full marathon.  But mostly I was scared of failure. Somewhere along the way in training I knew I was not going to fail.  I did not miss a single training run.  I was 100% completely consistent with the entire plan.  Doing above and beyond what it called for.  I am obsessive compulsive.  I have always known that. 

Regardless I feel good today. Thank goodness.  I really think it’s the spiraling out of control that throws me off.  The two weeks prior to vacation my eating was just well fairly terrible and that mentally made me feel like shit. I am not upset at all about any of the crap food I ate in Maui. That was always going to happen.  But I am glad to have control again. I am glad to be back working towards my normal life again. 

I clearly have made the decision to not weigh myself or measure or anything at all related to weight or body fat or anything like that. I don’t want to know. I want to be happy. And often times I feel like the scale and measurements are counterproductive to happiness.  I am happy with the woman I see in the mirror and it doesn’t really matter what the weight says. The moment I see that number my brain goes into crazy town.  Always has. 

This is what I am doing. This is my new plan of action. I am seriously honestly not going to weigh myself for a long while. I am hoping to hold out a month. But I am not making an exact promise of that. But I would like to just live my normal happy healthy life for the next month and maybe then on November 1 I will consider weighing myself just because. 

I do so much better when I take the scale out of the equation. Seriously. When I live each and every day with health and doing good for my body in mind I am a happier version of myself.  And when I live moment to moment in a real life focused on health and wellness only good things can come from that.  I know this.  Since I have the aforementioned obsessive compulsive tendencies its best to not let the scale be any part of the focus of my existence.  It’s way more important to eat to live to be strong to train.  Yes, eat to train properly. Eat to fuel my body. Eat to build muscles and run.  I don’t believe in depravation. I believe in quality foods that make me feel good.  I believe in drinking water when you are thirsty instead of obsessing about adding that weight to the scale.  That is beyond STUPID.  But someone scale focused will always think twice about that.  I want to eat like an athlete.  And when I do that, perhaps weekly weights and numbers get skewed. But long term when you are kind to your body you will see results.

I am excited to embark on a new path. A new plan of action where health once again takes center stage.  Not that I wasn’t healthy these past 4 months. I was.  It’s just after a couple weeks kind of “off” plan it’s refreshing to regain that control.  A feel a sense of relief honestly about not having to get on the scale. I get to just be me. Healthy old regular me. For now that is simply enough.

I feel good with where I am at right now. I feel refreshed and renewed and like I get to start at ground zero again and there’s always a sense of excitement in fresh starts. I am not exactly sure what I am “starting” but I’m in a much better place today than I was a year ago at this time.  I feel a little bit of that old fire in my belly right now for something epic.  Like I want to set another epic goal to achieve.  Like the old saying, why not me?  I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I know that. Maybe I’m just going to become a marathon runner now?  Maybe that’s good enough for a while. I just don’t want to lose my current level of fitness. I really like where I am at. I like how happy I am. I like being able to do anything I set my mind to.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ve become ADD as I’ve gotten older but I just hate sitting still. I might have something in the pipeline but I’m hesitant to say too much at this point. Stay tuned.