I am a Marthoner

Boy I really fell off the bandwagon didn’t I? I am not going to lie, the two weeks leading up to my vacation were stressful and hard and I fell apart as I tend to do.  Nothing crazy ridiculous. I kept up with all of my marathon training runs but ultimately my diet went to shit.  Not shocked.  But I managed anyway.  I knew there was going to be a fundamental shift in my life post marathon.  I was not wrong.  Today is my first day back at work post Maui.  This is typically a hard day in general. Returning to work after an extended period of time away.  But thankfully my work is actually fabulous and I adore the people I work for and everything went well.  So let’s talk about the one thing that I really need to talk about.  Running 26.2 miles.

The Marathon

In a lot of ways I fully expected the actual marathon to be much different than it really was. In a lot of ways I was anticipating a horrific, terrible endeavor that would leave me depleted, drained and euphorically high.  Some of that was true, some of it turned out to be all hype.  When you spend the better part of 10 years of our life secretly wishing for something but terrified of actually doing it, it’s impossible for the actual accomplishment of it not to be in some ways a letdown.  But in other ways it was also the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done.  Clearly I have a lot of mixed emotions about the whole thing.  So let me back the train up and start from the beginning. Because the beginning is always a good place to start!

Arriving in Maui I couldn’t help but feel happy and high. And nervous.  I tried my best to maintain the nerves in my stomach because I knew deep down I was fully prepared and ready to run this marathon.  I kept  thinking that I was in fact really ready and I didn’t think it would actually be that hard given how much training I had actually done.  But then that little bit of fear crept in. That fear that says, what if I am missing something?  I read articles which in hindsight probably didn’t help much, because they talked about the what-if’s and those worse case scenarios where runners would finish marathons and collapse and be in aching pain and I even read one where the person was peeing blood.  I wasn’t quite sure how this could happen to me, any of it, as I ran so frequently and long enough distances.  But still, there was fear.

I knew Maui was going to be hot.  Pre-race information told us that Maui was in fact experincing record high temperatures’ and humidity off the charts.  I tried to ignore this.  It would be what it would be after all.  I have run in heat before and yes, it did slow me down, but I still managed.  I actually wasn’t nervous about it for some reason.

At the airport I was greeted to a sign that said welcome Runners and I almost burst into tears.  All the months of planning.  9 months of knowing I would be going to Maui to run on top of 10 years of thinking I wasn’t capable of running a marathon all converged into this trip.  And seeing that sign made it oh so very real.  We got our rental car which always takes crazy forever for some reason.  And then we were off to the expo for packet pick up.

I was excited because typically I love packet pick up.  But once we were in place and I saw the medals and the shirts I was actually kind of disappointed.  Not what I was expecting really, but that’s okay.  It wasn’t all about the shirts and medals.  It was honestly about running 26.2 miles and I was still feeling happy and confident. 

Saturday morning we woke up early to run a 10k, then a 5k and then the 1 miler as part of our warrior challenge. I initially thought that this was a great idea because the 10k run would acclimate me to the weather and conditions.  In hindsight it wasn’t the brightest idea perhaps.  What actually ended up happening was this… I ate crappy the night before, first night on vacation and while I didn’t drink any alcohol I severely underestimated what a day of travel and bad eating and dehydration would do to my system.  On Friday night I actually threw up a couple times simply from bad food and yucky feeling. Not nerves. Just system overload.  The minute the 10k started I knew I didn’t feel great. My stomach felt awful and I went out way to fast of course.  And inevitably after a couple miles I knew I was in trouble.  The 10k started at 6:30 AM, where the marathon would start at 5 AM. I thought this would be a great indicator of weather conditions as I would clearly be running at this time the next day.  All it proved to do was freak me out.  By the end of the 10k run it was miserable hot and I knew that I was in trouble.  My side starting aching from dehydration and I slowed down and felt like I wanted to vomit. Oops.  But the 10k time was great.  I finished it in 57:13, with a pace of 9:12 miles.  This is faster than I wanted to run. 

After the 10k, I felt horrible.  Like it was way too hard to run just 6.2 miles in this heat and it honestly psyched me out in a crazy way.  Right after the 10k, was a 5k which I had always intended to walk with my family.  I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone at this point and I thought it would be more enjoyable to share the experience with my mom and cousins and aunts who were doing it.  So that is what I did. 

I honestly couldn’t get the 10k out of my brain and immediately vowed with my stomach issues that Saturday I was going to be 100% clean.  Lots of water and lots of good foods.  We bought spaghetti from Safeway and made our normal dinner in the condo. My body was pretty much demanding consistency.  But the weather really had me freaked out.  Running 6.2 miles was hard.  I wasn’t prepared for that.  Sigh. I managed to remain fairly calm most of the day, putting all the rest of the crazy out of my brain enough to enjoy the day.  But what can’t be avoided or escaped is the reality of the night before. As I set everything out for race day, it all started to hit me.  I was doing my best to not allow a major freak out.  We had to wake up at 2:30 AM, to be out the door by 3 AM to catch the shuttle bus from the finish line to the start line by 3:30 AM.  I am very fortunate that my cousin’s husband Tim was there with us and he volunteered to drive us to the shuttle bus in the morning, at 3 AM.  What a great guy!  Honestly, my cousin Chelsea and Tim were so important and amazing support but I will tell you about that later.

So despite some nerves I still managed to sleep solid, thankfully.  When I woke at 2:30 AM on Sunday morning I was a psychotic bundle of nerves.  On a plus side my stomach felt the best it’d felt since arriving in Maui.  My careful eating and drinking the day before paid off.  My stomach was solid but unfortunately full of crazy nerves at this point.  I started to almost panic as I gathered everything and headed down to the car.  I knew my nerves were on high alert in the car ride in the pitch black to the shuttle bus.  My stomach was gurgling and I had to use the bathroom so bad.  This is how my body deals with stress.  I was beyond nervous and both Chris and Tim in the car knew it. 

But it was all out of my hands at this point.  It’s like the reality of what I was doing was just hitting.  It was what it was but it didn’t stop me from being terrified.   Getting on the bus and seeing all these slender runner types I couldn’t shake my knee jerk reaction which was that, “OH God, everyone will see right thru me and know I don’t really belong here, on this marathon bus.”  Funny how insecurity places havoc on your brain.

I almost hyperventilated. True story. In the dark on the bus I tried to self-calm.  It was nearly impossible. I browsed Pinterest for quotes to remind me that marathon running was about a greater picture than just this panicked moment.  That I was working towards some epic goal that I had set for myself and I could do it.  But I think that bus ride, which felt extremely long was quite possibly the longest and most challenging 30 minutes of my life.  Clearly the distance we traveled was 26.2 miles and it took forever and highlighted the epic distance that I was supposed to run.  I kept trying to breath. I closed my eyes a bunch because I didn’t want to watch the course go by in slow motion.  I needed to quite the voices in my head. 

As soon as we arrived at the start line and got off the bus, I felt a little calmer.  I have done this a million times.  44 half marathons and countless 5 and 10k’s before me, starting lines were something I was familiar with.  There was a feeling of normalcy in them. Although I knew this one was different.  I had to use the bathroom where my nerves kept getting the better of me.  And then I had to use it again. And again.  Yup, nerve city here. 

And then it started to rain. And it was glorious. It was warm, and it was crazy humid already but the warm rain in the dark felt great.  And then we lined up and we started “walking” in a heard to the actual start line.  And I knew that this was it, for better or worse, this was my marathon. This was a lifetime and 9 months of knowing it would happen, and the last 4 months of training all coming down to this. 

And the buzzer sounded and we were off. I have never ran in the dark like that before.  But I wasn’t alone clearly and I felt safe but it was a different experience.  It was dark so I could not see my watch and therefore the first miles were all run on “comfort” not to any particular pace. I kept telling myself just run comfortable. Who cares about the time.  It was already hot. 5 AM and I knew it was going to be a long day. It was hot and humid and it was raining and I knew this first part would be the most enjoyable part of the whole thing.  But getting out of your own way sometimes is the hardest part.  I kept trying to tell myself to breath and not care about pace. But I couldn’t help it when I could check my watch I realized my comfortable pace was much slower than I wanted to be running.  I knew it was the heat already.

The entire first 3-4 miles were run in the dark, with a slight uphill climb to them. Very subtle but enough that my body knew I was slightly inclining.  I felt okay.  My pace hovering around the 10:20 mark.  The rain came down and it was refreshing.  My music played. Nothing hurt.  I have always said that during a run I pretty much know within the first 2 miles how the race is going to go.  I know early if I feel okay vs a bad day. I may always complete my runs on a bad day but they will be a struggle.  After about a mile and a half I knew I was okay. I knew my body felt okay.  My stomach issues from the day before were all better.  My body felt good and capable.  Thank God I thought.

I ran on in the dark for miles, and they ticked by.  Mile 4, Mile 5 and then somewhere around Mile 6 the sun started to rise and I finally could see my surroundings, my legs felt amazing and I looked over to my right and saw the beautiful mountains of Maui, the tropical “Jurassic Park” feeling and almost immediately tears formed in my eyes.  This is it. This was the reminder finally, visually that I wasn’t in Oregon.  I was in fact in Maui running my marathon. 

Mile 6-7 I sped up.  I started to feel REALLY good.  Mile 8, I felt so great I was almost giddy.  It’s the runners high.  Mile 9 was feeling epic, almost ready to break out my phone to text my family to let them know how great I was in fact doing, despite the heat, when all of a sudden up ahead I saw my cousin Chelsea and her husband Tim who had decided to be our on course race support. What lovely people!  There they were with camera in hand, snapping photos, and there with Gatorade and food to replenish me.  I smiled, and gave my cousin a thumbs up because I felt great.  I drank a little and felt so amazing knowing I was doing this.

Mile 10 felt awesome. And I was like, hey only 16.2 miles to go.  Yes, that’s a crazy thought to have I know.  Mile 11 felt great. Saw my cousins again. Still feeling great.  Hit mile 12, and then the fabulous mile 13.  Shortly after that, when my Garmin registered 13.1 I smiled because no matter what  I was now closer to the finish than the start. Every step took me closer to the finish. I was still around a 10:20 pace at this point. I knew I would slow down.  I knew I would get more tired and the heat would take its toll. Let’s not forget that every single step was run in heat and humidity like I have never experienced.  I ran with a water bottle in my hand for the first time and I am certain I would not have survived without it.  I drank constantly. Every water station I would fill the bottle up.  It was vital!  At this point they were handing out wet sponges at each station as well.  I would literally just drip the water on me and wipe myself with the sponge. It was HOT!

But halfway was still feeling okay.  Mile 14, Mile 15.  Mile 16.  Heck, yeah 10 miles to go. I can do this!  Mile 17 I saw my cousins again and this time I was starting to feel it.  Tim asked, do you need anything?  I simply replied, “For this to be done!”  It was hot. It was starting to get so hot I could barely handle it.  My body felt fine. My legs felt great. Nothing ached. Nothing hurt.  I was just HOT.  The air felt so thick almost like I was navigating thru a cloud.  I slowed down.  I passed mile 18. My pace was going higher. I kept trying to do math in my head to figure out times.  I knew an 11:03 pace was a 4:53 marathon.  Because that is what my plan had prepped me for all along.  I had no idea beyond that.  Somewhere at like mile 18 I felt really drained.  I ran on.  Barely.

Mile 19 and I believe I walked a moment and then tried to run again.  Have you ever tried to run after going for like 4 hours in 90 degree weather with humidity so thick you swear you could almost “see” it?  I had to force myself.  The scenery was beautiful.  The ocean on my left.  It’s too bad I was in such misery that I barely noticed it.  Somehow this was not the experience I was expecting.  It wasn’t the run. It wasn’t the distance. It was the heat.  Mile 20 came and I was running into town. My town. Lahaina.  We literally ran right in front of my hotel. My favorite place in the world. And I got teary. I can do this I told myself. I can do this.  But it was SO HOT.  My body no longer wanted to move.

I walked a bit.  We came upon front street Maui.  And unexpectedly I heard my name and looked over to my right and there was my mom, my two aunts and my sister with a giant sign and I couldn’t barely contain my tears. I had no idea they’d be there or with such a fabulous sign.  My mom came over to me and hugged me.  I said, this is BRUTAL. I just want to finish, I don’t care about my time. It’s so hot.  And at this point I meant it.  I am not sure the human body is really meant to endure countless hours in that level of heat.  But I pushed on.  At about mile 21 I had to go to a run/walk method.  Run from this point to that point, and then walk from this point to that.  It was all I could do.  My legs felt like they could run. They could have.  The sweltering heat told a different story.

I wanted to enjoy the moments more, but the misery wasn’t allowing for it.  Plus my own personal dissatisfaction as I watched my pace and time tick by.  I didn’t really care about my time but in my mind I knew I could run better than this. And I just wanted the opportunity to run it. With each mile at this point I knew I was getting closer.  Mile 22, Mile 23 and I was like, it’s just a 5k now. I CAN so do this.

Run/walk. Run/walk. Run/walk.  And then I was on the final stretch. I had no idea what my time was.  I knew my pace had crept above the 11:03 mark which was a 4:53 marathon.  I was in the 11:20 or something range. I had no idea if that would be good enough ultimately to get me below the 5 hour mark.  My brain was dead at this point.  I could not do the math. As I rounded a corner I knew I was within ½ a mile of finishing and all I could do was run it out to the best of my ability at this point and pray I was under 5 hours. My body did not want to run. It was too hot.

I truly felt like I would have been way happier or more emotional to finally see the home stretch.  I saw my family cheering me on.  I saw the official clock and it was at 4:59 something as in hours.  I tried to sprint as fast as I could.  I knew I was within seconds of the 5 hour mark. Now it was just a race to beat the clock under 5. I gave it everything I had and I heard the announcer say my name and say just squeaking in under the coveted 5 hour mark.  Chris was instantly there at the finish with me and I hugged him and I swear almost collapsed into his arms.  Thankful I had at least broke the 5 hour mark, especially considering how challenging this was.

I immediately almost wanted to pass out or vomit. Or both.  We took some pictures but it became evident to me that my body was out of whack. I always tend to get nauseous after I run so it wasn’t shocking that running 26.2 in this kind of heat was going to make me feel bad. I sat down. I thought I would puke or pass out. They had a medic tent that was administering IV fluids. My family tried to get me to go to it. I said I was fine. I just needed a bathroom I was going to puke.  We went to the bathroom. I threw up a little and felt a little better. I knew ultimately it was going to be rough.  But that is my weakness with running. I honestly throw up a lot. 

We got in the car to go back to the hotel. We stopped along the side of the road to watch some turtles swimming. I  threw up again.  The heat was unreal. As we watched the turtles, now almost an hour post finishing, we were along the marathon course route and I saw runners walking/jogging by. I felt sorry for them for still having to be out in the heat.  I couldn’t imagine.  5 hours was horrible enough.  When we got back to the room I spent about 45 minutes hugging the toilet.  I felt pretty sick. I pretty much threw up for quite a while before I must have finally berid myself of all of whatever was upsetting me because suddenly I got crazy hungry.  It was like, finally, my stomach feels fine, FEED me. 

The entire thing honestly went by in such a blur that I swear I didn’t feel the way I thought I’d feel. In so many ways it was so much easier than I thought it would be.  In other ways it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  Running in that heat for that long was the hardest thing ever. Running 26.2 miles was easier than I thought. Far and away.  I know my body can totally handle running 26.2 miles. I am beyond certain of that.  So much so that I am desperate to actually run a marathon in Oregon now where I won’t be dying of heat stroke or running in off the charts humidity. 

I felt amazing proud that I did it.  Humbled by the heat.  And I must admit slightly disappointed because I was certain I could physically run 26.2 miles.  I still think I can.  Initially I was happy to have finished off course and proud but I just didn’t feel super great about my 5 hour time.  But it’s all about perspective.  This was not an easy course. This was in fact probably incredibly difficult in terms of marathons.  Because in the end, when I compare myself to the entire race results I realize I did pretty dang awesome.

203 out of 537 finishers

71 out of 256 females

11 out of 39 Females ages 35-39

This is actually fabulous because it shows you that this was a tough course for EVERYONE.  That I truly have nothing to be upset or disappointed about at all.  My age group, females 35-39 is always the most competitive.  I am in the peak of marathon running years, so to finish 11 of 39 is crazy!  And 71 out of 256 females is REALY good. I will take it.  That was not easy.  That was not easy at all.  But I really do want to run one start to finish without walking.  Next one right?

And you know that there will be a next one because the actual distance didn’t kill me. I know this because not only did my body feel fine afterwards. But I felt fine the next day. I felt great. I ran a marathon on Sunday and by Wednesday we were out on an epic hiking/climbing adventure in the jungle and then on Thursday we woke up and ran 4.25 miles.  My body can physically handle 26.2 miles.  It’s the heat. I am not sure I ever want to do that again, but honestly we all know I would.  Of course I’d come back to any of the Hawaiian islands and do it all over again.  Heat and humidity and all.  Of course.

Here’s the truth. I am SO glad to have that running monkey off my back. Yes, I have ran a full marathon. Yes, I know what it feels like. Yes, I can do it.  FINALLY.  There is a part of me that is still in shock about it all.  A part of me that doesn’t believe I am actually a marathoner.  And also a part of me that doesn’t believe how easy it was either.  Now let me say that when I say it was easy, I mean, I was just expecting EPIC struggles. I was expecting feeling awful and horrific tears of pain and feeling like I was going to die.  Those feelings never came.  It was not easy. I don’t mean to imply in the least that running a marathon is easy. It’s not.  It requires every ounce of mental toughness you have. It requires true training and determination. It requires everything I had.  But the thing is, I became the person who could run a marathon.  I was ready. It seemed “easy” because I had put in all the work to get to that place where I could run the marathon.

I didn’t start out the person who could do this.  In February when I signed up to run the marathon. Or rather when I decided I was going to do it, running any distance felt hard.  In January I ran a 5k and it was HARD. I struggled running 3 miles.  Yes, my body knew how to run and quickly remembered but it was a humbling moment in January when I did a 5k and felt like I was going to die.  I put in all the work to get to the place to become a person who can run a marathon.

Over the course of all of this time, training, I somehow became a different person. I knew it was happening. I knew the process was slowly day by day little by little changing me until one day I realized I was somehow completely different. In a way I just can’t even describe.  I am not even close to the same woman I was when I started my training plan on May 6.  Somewhere between May 6 and September 20 I walked away a confident, self-loving, self-accepting individual.  Yes, I have still put too much pressure on myself, things aren’t always perfect, etc. But I am so forever changed as a result.  It’s like suddenly I realize the sky is the limit for me and I am happy with the woman I am.  If I can run a marathon what else can I do?  Why would I ever want to limit myself again?  Why shouldn’t I love myself and my body, it is so freaking amazing!  It was able to withstand 5 hours of brutality and feel fine afterwards.  I am a beast.  I am strong. I am proud. I did this. I earned this with every single workout I didn’t want to do but did anyway. With every mile I endured to get to this point.  I earned that medal. I earned this feeling.

Run a marathon they said. It will change our life they said.  I wasn’t sure. But now I am. AMAZING.  This woman is a full on marathoner. And this of course is just the beginning.  Since when have I ever not gone for the next brass ring.  I don’t quit. I don’t stop.  This is who I am.  I am a runner. Scratch that. I am a marathoner.