Reset Button

I feel much better today than I did yesterday. I am sure it’s a combination of factors, but when I wrote my post yesterday it was immediately after my text messages with Amanda and I realize I was a little harsh. I was worked up and felt stressed and I do think talking it out or writing it out helped and then I remembered why I like to write on here to begin with. I completely think Amanda is honestly just trying to do better me and push me and be my friend. She is my friend first and foremost. I do think I need to have a chat with her about how much running means to me and the reality that no matter what I’m not giving it up. That I am willing to work with her but we have to include my crazy running schedule into the mix.

I think I left out a piece of the equation yesterday that I should clarify. There is a challenge at our gym starting April 1, that I am actually on the poster for. Here is the image of the poster.



You get a prize of $1,000 plus free training and membership, it’s an AWESOME prize honestly and in another world, a different time and place I’d love to win it. A year ago me I have no doubt would have won that bad boy. But hello, I am present no “before” picture. I am not saying I am the after, although the poster would indicate otherwise. But the thing is, while there is certainly always room for improvement, I definitely do not presently look like anybody’s before shot. I may not be perfect but I am definitely not out of shape. The point is Amanda wants me to win this contest. She real reason is because as my trainer, she would get $500 and bragging rights if one of her clients wins. So she is pushing hard because she wants to win but she does love me and wants me to succeed and I adore her for that. But It’s just not possible for me to win this challenge. I mean I am already on the poster as the before/after, is that even possible for me to compete?

I cannot think of anything I can do to my body in the next 90 days that would result in the biggest transformation. I think that is where my pressure was coming from yesterday. Amanda had mentioned it to me before but I kind of thought she was joking, apparently not. She honestly thinks I can win and while that is a lovely vote of confidence and belief she has in me, I just don’t see it. If I were to take a before picture today, I honestly don’t look like a before. It was just too much pressure at once and I kind of snapped. But I am better today; yes I need to talk to her. I have to do what’s best for me and having some idea that I am not working hard enough or making enough “gains” to win a stupid contest is not something I need to do to myself at this point.

Do you know what contest I have already won? Getting my freaking life back. I far too often forget that. I need to step back and really remember that this woman I am is amazing and strong and living her life and that is the most important contest of all to me. This girl is getting on airplanes and traveling to places to run half marathons. That is ridiculously cool and something that I always thought was meant for other people. I never in my wildest dreams, despite all my running, imagined that could or would ever be me. And suddenly, I woke up one day and it was me. That is what I am most proud of.

Speaking of that, San Francisco in a little more than 2 weeks. Wait, 2 weeks from tomorrow exactly I will be on a plane heading to the Bay. I have never been there and am pretty excited as always to explore a new location and run. Do you realize that the first time I get near the Golden Gate Bridge will be to run across it, like street closed, running down the road on the Golden Gate Bridge? Who the fuck does that? Oh wait, me! I am sure I will “see” the bridge before I run across it because it’s pretty obvious in the area, but the first time I get up close with it, won’t be driving across it, it will be running. That is amazing and most likely one of those ultimate ridiculously cool moments of my life. One of those experiences that money just can’t buy. Well, actually it can buy it, but you know what I mean. Money might have bought me the plane ticket, the entry fee into the race and thus the opportunity to do this but money can’t buy the desire, will or ability to run 13.1 miles. Money can’t buy the experience or the happiness I shall feel in my heart. Money can’t buy that moment when I look up and I am in the middle of the freaking golden gate bridge. That is earned. And earn it I shall with all the hills that I will have to run to complete this half marathon. It shall be intense but I’m guessing well worth all the effort.

Cause at the end of it all, I get this medal:



Yup, I am a medal whore. Love my bling. It’s really the symbol of the experience I just conquered. It’s the visual little clue of the epic journey I have been on for most all of my life. It is such a sense of pride and joy for me to look at those medals and remember the grit and determination it took me to earn each one of them. My visual reminder of my life altering transformation that has occurred inside my head. Not my body, it’s not about a physical transformation at all, it’s truly a mental one. It’s truly the transformation that occurred in myself, in my mind and about loving myself so much that I am going to give myself permission to not only live my life but believe I can do anything I want to do. And those little medals are the ultimate symbol that I am strong, capable and love myself.

Speaking of those little medals, today they revealed the San Diego Medal as well; this is the medal I am going to earn June 1 when I run in San Diego. Excited about his one too.



Each one of these is a trip, an experience to a new place I have not been. Excited to go to beautiful San Diego. And honestly it’s like 2 months away. That’s so cool too.

I am living the life I am supposed to be living, I am sure of that. I need to stop and count my blessings and feel happy and proud more often. It’s easy to get caught up in the day to day dribble and shit and this blog has always done a great job of allowing me the opportunity to reflect and be grateful for my blessings. That might have been missing the past 2 months. I need to write to realize that I have come a long way and its okay to have those bad moments but overall I am still ridiculously blessed. I have forgotten that and taken for granted those little moments.

Like last night, in class, before class started at the gym, some regulars, some people who are always in class were talking, I was not listening in on their conversation at all but then one of them was like, well in order to do that, you have to live at the gym right? And he looked at me and I was like, “What?” I truly was not listening to them. And he said, “she said (nodding her head in the direction of the woman he was a conversation with), that she just wants to look like you and have your muscles. And I told her that she has to live at the gym then.” I smiled and laughed and said, well, yeah, you have to work hard. I far too often taken for granted that no matter how complacent you may become there is always someone out there who wants what you have. I mean, I want what I don’t have all the time, so I understand the concept completely. But it’s still humbling and nice to think that anyone would ever look at me and think that I am the “goal”. I feel so far off from the “goal” so to speak. But alas, if I can inspire anyone that is all I’ve ever really wanted.

It’s easy to be hard on yourself and start to see flaws in your 150 pound body, but it’s nice to step back every now and then and be reminded that other people might not see you as a flawed 150 pound fatty but instead simply see you as a strong in shape woman. I think that in the end I am not a stick thin skinny Minnie but that for a lot of women I am realistic and that is what is inspiring. I am not a 110 pound 24 year old with a body that has never been damaged by life. I was born with womanly curves. I have struggled and my body is a result of that struggle. I have hips. I have shape. I have muscle too. I am 34 years old. I am more realistic or a better image of what some of these women could obtain as an end result of hard work. No matter what they do, a 40 something year old woman who is overweight is never going to look like that 110 pound 24 year old. I will never look like her, despite many years thinking I should. I am not perfect but I am the best case scenario for your everyday real woman and I guess I have to embrace that as my place in the gym. I am the symbol for all those people who this does not come naturally for, the ones who have to fight, claw, scratch and bust their asses for their health. Nothing was ever handed to me genetically and there are more women who that is the truth for than not. I will be their symbol if that is what they need and embrace it with a smile and an encouraging word. You will never find me being anything but nice and positive to everyone at the gym. I will be your biggest supporter and cheerleader if you let me.

I got a little side tracked the last two months or so without even realizing it but I’m starting to pull it back in and put the pieces of the puzzle back together again. I do think that is life. I am happy. I should say that. I am happy. It’s Friday and that is also good. The sun is shining, it is rest day, so no gym for me and instead after work I am getting my nails done and that is happiness too.

I am in a good place. I am running another 13.1 this Sunday morning. This is my pre San Francisco run. I honestly felt like I needed a good long run before we headed to tackle the hills and somehow that ended up being another official half. But if I’m going to do a long run it might as well be official after all. BTW, I checked the forecast and it’s supposed to be beautiful all weekend. Thank goodness. A nice run thru Eugene is in store me Sunday then. Good times. Have a fabulous weekend everyone.