Cardio bad

“Cause it’s your heart, it’s alive, it’s pumpin blood….”
Lyrics from the song, Pumpin blood by NONONO

And yes my long lost friends, this is my current obsession. One should realize I clearly must have an obsessive compulsive personality when I listen to a song on repeat for pretty much an entire day and I don’t get tired of it. That song is so ridiculously motivating. It makes me happy. It makes me want to celebrate all the good which I have to admit has been entirely hard to tap into lately.

I have to admit that I have been struggling the past two months. It was a slow silent descent into the world of eh. And suddenly I find myself lacking the same resolve I’ve had. But I suppose the big difference is that I have not quit doing what I do. I still am going to the gym day in and day out. I am still going thru all the proverbial motions which I guess is the important part. I can whole heartedly understand that you are not always going to feel amazing and great about every single thing. I sure do wish I had some of my bottled motivation from when I was on fire with it to break out for times like this.

I am struggling. There, I said it out loud. I honestly think it comes from a place of conflicted purposes or directions or goals. I have this gym world where everyone tells me strength, strength, strength. And then I have my head that tells me that at my core I am a runner. I love and appreciate strength and everything it does for me, but at the end of the day sometimes I just want to run. I want the freeing; mind blowing clarity that running gives me. What the hell is so wrong with being a runner? I feel too much pressure to try and coexist in these conflicting worlds. I guess that is what comes of being good friends with the trainer who constantly tells me cardio is bad, less cardio.

What results is a generally conflicted mindset that leaves me feeling, fuck it, let’s just eat. Yup, I said those words out loud. Thank God for continued workouts because they are the only thing keeping me in a relative normal weight range given my complete lack of concern for the foods I put in my mouth.

I have to accept some truths about myself; I am never going to be a stick thin skinny girl. I don’t believe that is ever what I wanted, I don’t. But it’s still hard to wrap my head around the idea that I am always going to be just a little bit thick. I have muscle which is cool, but it does seem to have settled my body at around 150 pounds. I am not exactly happy about this but also at the same time, I tend to not care. It’s hard to come to grips with the reality that apparently for the level of muscle I have and activity that I do, and therefore the hunger that it produces and the compensation with food, that I am just going to be 150 pounds. Is it really so bad to lift heavy as weights, eat what I want mostly and weigh 150 pounds? Not so much I guess. I have to believe that a lot of it is muscle. I am a logical girl and I realize that my 140 pound body that I always shoot for lacks this much muscle definition. These muscles are thick and dense; it’s just the way it is. I’m really not bitching, honestly. Just assessing the situation honestly.

Here is a direct text message conversation that occurred less than an hour ago with my friend, my trainer Amanda.

Amanda: I’m gonna make u a heavy lifting program
Me: If you make a heavy plan I will try and do it, I mean I probably should be lifting heavier than I do
Amanda: Yes, u gotta start lifting daily! Cut down the cardio too 
Me: That’s funny… You don’t want to see my race calendar for the year, it’s crazy… Lots of running…. Oops… But I can still lift more for sure… and not run in between my weekend races
Amanda: Cut back tho on the cardio cuz you won’t build if you do to much… cardio bad!!

Honestly this just put a big knot in my stomach. I am a people pleaser and so I want to try and do what she asks but honestly, I love my races for so many reasons that I am thinking she just can’t understand. And yes, there are a lot of them from here on out, like every other weekend for months. I am certain she would not approve, but at some point isn’t this supposed to be about making me happy?

I have to stop and take a step back and realize that the thing that brings me the most peace and makes me the most happy is running a half marathon and crossing the finish line. It’s the shared experiences with my husband. It’s the excitement surrounding the events. It’s the mind checking out and just running. Literally outrunning my issues, my problems. I love strength training and lifting heavy. But NOTHING brings me the clarity that a good run does. It just won’t ever. So should I really have to explain that to anyone. It’s my freaking life….

I believe that 100% cardio would be bad, but that is NOT what I do. I freaking lift heavy all the time. Last night I did 50 pound bicep curls. That’s a freaking lot to bicep curl. 12 reps, 3 times. I bench press 135 pounds, deadlift 110 or so. I lift heavy. My muscles are evidence of that. It’s not like all I do anymore is run. In fact I find myself missing it far more than I should. Like this last Tuesday night, gasp, I did NOT go to the gym and found myself coming home and going for an hour run outside instead. It was gorgeous out and I was feeling some mental baggage and stress so I decided the best possible decision for me was to run. And It was wonderful and beautiful and amazing and it made me feel so much better. It cleared out the crap in my head. A beautiful outdoor run is about more than exercise. It’s about mental health as well. How can that be wrong?

I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated by my desire to people please and the reality that I have to defend my running far too often in a place of health and wellness where running should not be looked down on so much.

I am not lying when I say I have a race calendar for the year that is literally full of events. Somehow 2014 has morphed into the year of the run. Funny that I run less now than I ever have and somehow running also dominates my time too. I love the races. I love the events. I love traveling. San Francisco is in 3 weeks. I am beyond excited to have that amazing experience and I won’t apologize for wanting to have those magical moments.

I appreciate building muscle. I appreciate how toned and muscular I look. But I am never going to be a fitness model. I am never going to be uber tiny and tight. That was not the cards I was dealt. The years of yo-yo dieting will never tone up some of the loose skin and I am managing with that, I am learning to enjoy my life despite of it all. I am embracing the happiness of life, the way one should, and focusing less of the imperfections of myself.

In the end I don’t want to spend hours fine tuning little muscle groups and focusing on tiny imperfections of skin and muscle development. Fuck, I’d rather go out and run and cheer on other women who are brave and strong enough to have an awesome experience, despite whatever their perceived imperfections may be. That’s the thing about running, I see so many women out there who are amazing and have varying skills, weights, speeds, size, shape, goals. And they are all amazing and brilliant no matter what.

I guess I feel like I have dabbled the last 8 months in the world of extreme high stakes pressure of weight lifting and while I’m standing on the edge of going the route of the true gym rat something is holding me back and I guess I’m just trying to decide if that really is the ultimate end all for me. I am thinking it’s not. I am thinking that in the end, I am not ONLY a runner, or am I ONLY a body builder, or am I ONLY a gym rat or am I ONLY one thing. I am far too many things to give up any of it. Perhaps I will never be great at any one single thing as a result, but I can just be happy being able to do lots of activities that I love. I am almost 35 years old. I think its okay to accept my imperfections and be happy that this girl can do any of the things I am doing today. I don’t have to be perfect at any of it. I just have to love what I’m doing.

I also think in the end I might have missed this place a little more than I realized. I think I need to make more of a concentrated effort to write more again because it does help me mentally talk thru this shit that I’ve been struggling with. So more writing again.

I have to not be afraid to disappoint someone else if it is not in my best interests. I am terrified of telling Amanda that I can’t do something, but honestly I don’t see how I can give up my racing. I love it FAR too much. I’m not perfect by any means but it gives me a real sense of accomplishment and pride in myself. I want to be able to one day look back at 2014 as that one crazy year where I ran all those races. I think that is going to be bring me such an amazing feeling of satisfaction and pride, far greater than spending another hour in the gym lifting heavy shit will.

Although there is no part of me that is giving up the gym, I will never be able to go back to the life I previously knew of running day in and day out. I am freed of the mental torment and torture that I used to inflict upon myself. I am now able to appreciate and love running for the good things it gives me. I have the gym to thank for that honestly.

I’ve been struggling with some of these conflicting feelings and it’s got to be about time to get over it and accept what I am. Who I am. And allow myself to choose my own happiness first and foremost. Stress does no one any good. And believe me I have enough of that without having to introduce ridiculous unneeded stress into my life.

So there you go, I may just have to tell her that I love her and adore her and will do what I can, I will lift heavy and work hard, but I also have no intention of giving up my running because it means so much more to me than she can ever understand. I am a runner. I have always been a runner and I will always be a runner. Up and down my entire life with my weight but for a solid 10 years I always return to running. It is in my blood. I was meant to run and I certainly can’t give it up. End of story.

Besides I’ve already spent like a million dollars in race fees and travel for all the running so it’s not happening that I’m giving it up. It is simply going to have to work into the other plans. This is my choice. I just need to get my head into a better mental place. I honestly don’t think I run enough, I think my head misses the endorphins. I think I should probably run more, but I shouldn’t say that out loud should I?

Guess it’s a good thing that I am running another half on Sunday, but sshhh… I haven’t told Amanda that just yet. I refuse to believe running is BAD. I just refuse to believe it.