Light bulb disasters

I have a lot of checking in to do. Like always, I’ve been meaning to update for days but then life gets the better of me and that is okay I suppose. You know how my last post was about flipping that switch. Well, is it possible for a light switch to be “half-way” on or I suppose flickering? Wait, its one of those dimmer switches and it’s at about 64%. Yeah, I know, an odd amount but it’s more than half-way turned on but not quite where it should be. Regardless the point is I’ve had a few defining moments in the past couple days that should have forcibly catapulted that switch to 100% and yet, I am rocking the 64% effort like nobody’s business.

Actually, at this point I am going to take 64% rockin it because that’s better than the 0% which did in fact rule my life up until Monday. I tried on Monday, attempted some semblance of anything healthy, but ultimately, I think the end all killer for me was the lack of any good foods to eat, coupled with the hungry monster and alas Monday was a failure. But I am proud to say that Tuesday and yesterday were in fact successes. The truth of the matter is my 64% switch is on because I am not actually journaling what I eat nor am I really “counting” my points. I am definitely eating much healthier and certainly in the normal weight watchers range but I’m not counting it and there is something liberating about it. I think this is why I’m grading myself at a 64. I know I need to actually count, but it will come in a few more days after I test the waters at this level and readjust my body to not making daily stops at fast food restaurants or rather convenience stores for all kinds of decadent goodies.

Case in point, just to illustrate the point effectively for you, this was on the floor board of my car on Tuesday morning. This was the “oh my god” this behavior has to stop moment for sure. Light bulb. And yes, Virginia, that is a tray of frosted sugar cookies, McDonald’s wrapper (shh… don’t look inside the bag), cheetos bag, chex-mix bag, pop-tart wrapper and the worst part of it all is that what is not illustrated by this horrible photographic evidence is the candy wrappers for the 3 full size candy bars I shoved into my mouth as well. Now mind you all those wrappers are not from one day. In all fairness to myself that was accumulated in the car over a few day range, but that’s not really that promising actually. So alas, light bulb moment #1. You’d think that photographic evidence would be enough for a catapult vault into healthy land but unfortunately I had another horrible light bulb moment on Tuesday.

Yes, this is shameful and I really don’t want to admit it because it’s embarrassing, but for the sake of full disclosure I thought I really should share my horrific pain. Tuesday morning I got up and put on a pair of jeans. This is a pair of jeans I don’t particularly love, but I thought they fit better than the 10 pairs I don’t dare even attempt to slide up my increasing body. Alas, I put them on and things were working out okay. That is until about 9:45 AM at work when sitting down, yes, the simple act of sitting down caused the unthinkable to happen. The button on them flew across the room. My sheer force/strength of my fat had been to much pressure for that little button to handle and it popped. Embarrassment. I suppose it would have been all the more embarrassing had anyone been in the office. Thank goodness for small victories. That being said, without the button, the zipper would not stay up. Again, the pressure of fat is far too great. I had to get some stuff done in the office before lunch time so I stayed and felt completely awkward in my basically completely undone jeans. It was not until lunch time that I was free to run home real quick and change them. Um, hello, EMBARRASING and obviously light bulb moment #2. If seeing your jean button fly across the room doesn’t spur you into action I am just not sure anything is ever going to.

I’m not going to lie the past couple days have been tremendously difficult for me. After consuming whatever I want, whenever I want going back to “healthy” foods doesn’t seem fun. But what is less fun is the way I feel consistently about myself.

What is not fun, is light bulb moment #3. I finally tackled the spare bedroom on Tuesday night after the horrible button popping incident. What I mean by that is for the past month I had just been throwing all my clothes onto the bed in the spare bedroom rather than dealing with them. Mainly, I have an over abundance of clothing and if I’m not in the right mood I really don’t want to hang up, fold and/or put away my clothes. Somehow I got it stuck in my mind that tossing them on the bed and simply shutting the door was a good avoidance strategy. It was originally my intention for this to only occur for a few days until I got to the clothes. I think the reality is I didn’t want to deal with the fact that tons of my cute adorable clothes do not fit. It’s a reality check in a way that alerts a light bulb to go off. I started crying. Yes, I cried because I was so unhappy with my avoidance of the situation and I felt so powerless. Now, I didn’t let myself indulge too long in my pity. I am not powerless. I’ve done this a million and one times and you know what I’m “starting” at a place that is far more manageable than any other time I’ve “started”.

When you weigh less, a 15-20 pound gain is enough to make a gigantic difference in your clothing. I need to take off these 15-20 pounds to regain the feeling of Emily. I have not even broached the subject of exercise because my heart isn’t there yet. Which is yet again why the light bulb is only 64% on. I am getting there. I am thinking about my beloved running. I am going to run soon. Most likely this weekend, maybe tonight, who knows? The thing is, I wasn’t ready Tuesday to run. So after work, instead of coming home and being a piggy which was my first inclination, instead I decided to massive hardcore clean the house. I spent two hours tackling the area. Removing items from counter tops, deep scrubbing, washing kitchen cabinets and appliances. Scrubbing the floor. This is why I tackled the spare bedroom clothing situation. I cleaned house and ultimately it felt pretty good.

Last night after work, after somehow managing to get thru the day without completely blowing the food choices, I did not want to come home and falter. Instead, I finally went to the grocery store for some much needed healthy options. It’s amazing how difficult it is to eat healthy when you have none of the quality choices at your disposal. Actually we had nothing at our disposal as the cupboards were barren. I spent a little over an hour or so walking up and down the isles and picked up a few essentials that I needed in order to be healthy girl. Ultimately it was a good trip. When I was on vacation we had a temp in the office who is actually the mother in law of one of the owners of the business. Anyway, a completely super nice wonderful woman. I think she’s amazing. Anyway, she was kind enough to bring in one of those square cube fridge’s into the office and let me tell you how grateful I am for that. After shopping last night and getting foods I actually loaded up a bag and brought into work with me today so that I have good options here in the office. String cheese, weight watchers cream cheese, English muffins, Canadian bacon, apples, bananas, lettuce, sugar free pudding snack packs, granola bars, and a few smart ones frozen lunches. Basically I have a few options now in the fridge and I can already tell is going to make a difference in eating healthy. I love that I have the mini-fridge at work. I already had a microwave, so between the two of them I am set :)

Today I am armed with all my healthy choices and I have to say despite how amazingly difficult this has been, each day it does seem to get a little easier. I am tired of being disgusted with myself. I am tired of not really caring what I look like and I’m tired of having tons of amazing hot clothes and not being able to wear them.

Yeah, I know I am not so awful in the grand scheme of things. I just am not thrilled with the bevy of empty wrappers existing the car. I am not happy with the millions of McDonald’s runs I seem to be doing. I am not happy with where this is heading and its time to stop. I really just wanted to come clean with what is going on in terms of the health front. I actually have a lot of other issues swirling around in my head as well, but
I’ve already said so much for the day that my fingers are spent :)

Oh, except for one last comment, have you seen the promos for the new TV show, More to Love? Yeah, it’s the “normal sized” dating show. Once again I can’t tell if I should be offended or thankful for this show. The promos show bigger girls crying saying they deserve love to. I completely agree with this concept, but is this total exploitation? The show does combine two of my favorite topics, health/weight issues mixed with reality dating shows. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t secretly thrilled and excited for its debut. But I also can’t shake the feeling that its wrong to feel that way. I don’t want to watch the show to mock or judge. I actually enjoy seeing normal real women looking for love, but my heart says its exploitation all the way. Alas, I will be there.

Flipping a Switch

I’m not going to lie, avoidance is the thing I do when I don’t want to deal with a situation. Avoidance is unto itself my way of “dealing” with an issue. Running away from it all. I am pretty positive at this point in my life I am not going to change my coping mechanisms. It’s pretty engrained in me. The best I can hope for it to acknowledge accept and try to work with what I got. Therefore, I am going to tell it like it is. I have been eating like a horrible pig and if I were to check the scale it would show me a horrible scary number for sure. I know this because my clothes don’t fit. Yeah, it’s that bad. I feel completely uncomfortable in everything I own and it’s affecting how I view myself completely. I am avoiding the situation all together by immersing myself into other activities. I am avoiding the situation by not journaling and therefore not having to come clean to everyone about how poorly I’ve been behaving. I need to nip this behavior in the bud before it spirals drastically out of control. However, today is not that day. I wish today were that day, but its just not.

I’ve always said I have a little switch in my brain that’s got to get flipped on or off in order to tackle weight loss. It’s like the hardest thing in the world for me one day and then the next I honest to God can just do it, and it all has to do with that flip being switched. I think it’s my crazy inner girl. The switch is not flipped and therefore I am struggling. What I can say with certainty is that the switch is getting ready to flip any day now. I am positive of that. I can only go on for a few more days before enough will be enough. I know myself well enough after all these years to acknowledge all the tell-tale signs of the switch flipping. I’ve got a few more days and it’s going to get turned on. I think all my ducks have to be in line with everything else in my life in order to be at that appropriate place to care.

Needless to say I do not need to talk about the horrible choices that have grazed my lips recently. I do not need to rehash the indulgences that seem to be daily and frequently. I don’t need the food and it certainly makes me feel worse, but for some reason once a food addict, always a food addict. Did I mention all my jeans are tight and therefore uncomfortable, and those are the ones I am actually willing to wear? I mean, I don’t dare go near about 10 pairs of jeans that I know would not even work. That’s what 20 pounds will do. I am sure it’s 20 pounds. Again, I am NOT ready to admit the number. I am not ready to know myself. I think that would just make me cringe. I am also not professing that today is the day I start. It isn’t. I already know that. But soon. Soon enough I am going to be ready to tackle this again. And I am certain again and again in my life. Its checks and balances. By no means am I some horrible fat pig. I am totally fine, but it’s just time to get things back in check.

I have spent the past week plus since returning from Maui dreaming and thinking about Maui. I am not sure what it is about Maui that is so wonderful and magical, but for me it is. For me, it is paradise and heaven all rolled into one. It is amazing and I just smile thinking about it and spend my time wishing I were there. That might be unhealthy. I am sure it will fade as time goes by, but Maui is perfection. I am going to try and focus on going there with more frequency than my once every 12 year average. I think knowing that its not unobtainable is important for my psyche. I think knowing that I have something to look forward to by way of a wonderful tropical vacation really can do wonders for your attitude. So I do declare that sometime next summer, I will go back. But that’s really a later discussion.

I’ve spent the past couple days fully invested in creating the most amazing Maui Scrapbook the world has ever seen. Okay, the most amazing scrapbook for me. I so loved every moment of my trip that I want to have this gorgeous keepsake in the form of pictures and such to remember it by. It’s also kept Maui fresh on the brain to chronicle the trip in the evenings. I have learned that when it comes to design these days for me its about perfection. I scrapbooked many years ago, like 10 years ago was probably the last time and based on the work I produced at that time I really was more about quantity than quality. My pages seemed thrown together and speed was the name of the game. I have learned to savor the art of making a beautiful page. After all, I only get to scrapbook these pictures on this page once so I better get it right. I am loving my ever increasing book. It’s getting to be gigantic which is a bit cumbersome really. I am having fun and I guess that is the important part. My evenings have been spent with stuff sprawled out all over the kitchen table and me firmly planted in the chair ready to go. Honestly as much as I’m loving it, I also want it to be done so I can return to a bit of other normalcy in my life. Not shockingly I won’t be able to rest until the book is complete. I am aiming for a weekend finishing of the book, with a scheduled switch flipping of the brain in regards to my health occurring next Monday. Do you like how I can plan out the switch flipping like that? I am hopeful that once my focus is no longer living and breathing a scrapbook that I will have the time I need to care about my health once again. Also, I am in desperate need of a quality grocery run mixed with some decent dinner options. I am finding that hunger gets the best of me and I completely indulge in stupid choices out of hunger. Dumb really.

Honestly I had the most amazing trip I could have wished for and I do believe it was good enough to carry me thru for another year until I get to go again. Especially when I have my fabulous scrapbook to look back upon and remember and get excited all over again about it.

On another front it seems my cousin got engaged last night or the night before. He is twenty something, like 23 or 24. Amazing guy and his fiancé is fabulous, wonderful. We all adore her, but I have to admit that hearing this news last night did something funny to my heart that I can’t quite place yet. I have been contemplating that thought for a while. I was angry, not because of them at all. I am amazingly happy and thrilled for them. I love them both and we all knew it was coming. But I am angry that I am spinster lady I think. I am angry that my life has become what it has. July 2 will be 5 years into my relationship. 5 years is a long time and suddenly I felt the twinge of jealousy I think. Jealousy is no reason to get married for sure. I need to accept and be comfortable with all the choices I have made in my life. We all choose different paths and if we’ve made that decision we need to walk proud in our choices. But alas…. Well, you get the idea. It’s not sitting well and I really need to pinpoint the area of frustration.

Anyway, I will try to not avoid the obvious because that is how we get ourselves in far more trouble than we wish and soon I am hoping for a magical light bulb to go off in my head that gives me the strength and will power to do what I know how to do, what is second nature to me.

A Brief Synopsis

It’s been a while, in fact, it’s been far too long. I am back from Maui and still in this Maui-induced fog. Mainly, I had the single most amazing time of my life and I didn’t want it to end and therefore adjusting back to the real world has been much harder than I would have liked. That’s always the worst part of any vacation, coming back to reality. Maui was more perfect than I remembered it, which is saying a lot because for the last 12 years I have built it up as the most magical place in my mind, having extremely great memories of the one and only family vacation we took my senior year of high school. I have spent the last 12 years fantasizing about Maui and wishing I were there. It was not only as perfect as I remembered but in so many ways going from an 18 year old to a 30 year old made the whole thing so much better. Not shocking really. It was everything I could have wanted and more.

Stepping off the plane I was instantly thrown off by how hot it was. Hey, I’m from Oregon remember??? I don’t think I properly hydrated myself and then I was wearing jeans and ultimately this leads to a deadly combination. You see, we got our luggage, got the rental car without any hitches and made the 30 minute drive to Lahainia, where we were staying. All of this was probably too much for my body because as we were checking in and the woman at the counter kept talking and talking I became more foggy and felt sick. I tried to hold it in because I thought at any moment the checkout counter girl would stop talking, but she just kept going and I felt it coming more and more. I looked at Chris and was like, I don’t feel very good, I whispered so that the receptionist could not hear me. I listened some more, then I felt myself fading and walked over to the other side of Chris where he had a pop on the counter. I took a drink and Chris looked at me and said are you ok? I said loudly this time because I knew things were bad, No, I’m going to be sick. At that moment I wasn’t sure if I was going to throw up or pass out. Then my head started spinning and the 2 desk clerks and Chris were like, go sit down. What happened next was a horrific moment of me stumbling to the couch a few feet away as my head completely spun around. Chris followed me and as I got to the couch I braced a little end table next to it, but I more fell into it and ultimately knocked the table over as the glass top flipped onto the ground and I literally fell into the couch. I pretty much passed out. I don’t really remember the walk to the couch or the next few minutes. Chris was looking at me and the receptionist got me water. I started to feel better after I sat for a few minutes. Chris went back to the counter to finish up and I heard the people asking if I was going to be all right? At this point my ego was more bruised than anything else as I started to feel better.

As we made our way to our room, I instantly peeled off my jeans and turned on the AC. Our very first order of business was to hit the ocean. It was far to beautiful and tempting to not jump right in. It was so much fun to watch Chris in the water, as this was his first time to Maui, he had no idea what to expect and the warmth and beauty of the ocean was no exception. I just smiled because being in the water looking at our hotel room was exactly what I remembered and despite my initial fainting issue, I knew this was going to be a good trip.

We played in the ocean for a while and then came in, showered and cleaned up and headed out for dinner and to walk around downtown Lahinia. We ended up at Cheeseburger in Paradise. On Monday morning we enjoyed sleeping in a little, and then got dressed to head downtown to get a better feel of the city. We had fun just playing around, hitting up the Banyon tree, doing the tourist thing. We went to Bubba Gump Shrimp for lunch and then headed back to the hotel to hit up the beach once again. We spent the next couple hours lounging around the ocean, on lounge chairs, sunbathing, playing in the water. Testing out the snorkel equipment. It was so relaxing.

After our afternoon of rest we changed for our Luau. The Old Lahinia Luau did not disappoint. Once again I was reminded of how magical Maui was. We sat at a table at the luau with a couple from Germany. They were a lot of fun to talk to, and you certainly can not beat unlimited cocktails and a buffet dinner. Fabulous.

Tuesday morning we woke up and headed out for our 7 AM zip line adventure. It was a lot of fun, even if it ultimately wasn’t quite as exciting as we were hoping for. The initial leap onto the zip line was a bit nerve wracking, but after that it was kind of like a mild amusement park ride. I’m not really sure it was worth all the money we ultimately spent on it, but it was fun. Definitely one of those things that you’d do once, but I don’t think I’d need to do it again.

After zip lining, given our over indulgence in the sun the previous day we decided to be tourist in the afternoon and stay out of the sun as much as possible. We got a pizza and took it back to our condo for lunch. Then we headed out in the car to explore the island a little. We ended up at the Maui Tropical Plantation Center. We went to Kiehi to explore where we hit up Makena Beach. We ended our evening at a restaurant right by our hotel where we could watch a different luau for free. Good times.

Wednesday was officially our day on the water. We woke up to do a snorkel trip to Molikini. Okay, turns out my friends, NOT a boat person. Chris loved it, but we both knew he liked boats. Turns out they make me sick. Nice, huh. Actually I could have predicted that. I did my best and did not throw up despite feeling like I could at any moment. You guys would be proud of me because I sucked it up and even got myself a wet suit and put on a tight figure hugging suit for the snorkel trip. I never thought you’d see me in something like that in public, but alas, I did and it was fine.

After our snorkel adventure we did a little shopping before heading back to the room to shower and change for our sunset cocktail cruise. Our cocktail cruise was amazing. A definite highlight of the trip for me. Turns out there was a mix up with some people’s tickets and ultimately it meant that this boat that has 150 person capacity had 8 passengers. We were 2 of 8 people on the thing with 4 crew members. Needless to say we had amazing attention. There was more than enough food and we spent most of the evening chatting with the boat caption and having a great time. Free unlimited drinks yet again. We walked to the dock which was amazingly close to our hotel so no worries as we were both slightly tipsy. We made our way to the room and then decided to do a nice long moonlight stroll on the beach. This might have been one of my favorite parts of the whole trip. The beach was deserted and it felt like our own private beach. So freaking amazing.
Thursday morning we booked a Road to Hana bus trip. This had a few hiccups along the way, but ultimately it was a nice way to see parts of the island that we hadn’t seen before. It was amazingly beautiful and it was fun, but ultimately we decided that next time we’d drive the thing ourselves. And yes, there will be a next time. Chris feel in love with Maui as much as I am. We both didn’t know how he’d react, but he left the island feeling that he already wanted to go back.

Thursday night after our long day in Hana we had dinner next door and called it quits for the night. Friday morning we headed out for more snorkeling, this time around Black Rock. Yes, I snorkeled and I really enjoyed myself. We laid out on the beach for a while and enjoyed the tranquility that is Maui. We ate at the Lahinia Fish Company for lunch and did our last minute shopping. We then went to the Ioa Valley Park which was really lovely as well. The last 24 hours we pretty much spent just chilling and enjoying Maui.

I had the most amazing time. It was everything I had wanted and more. We will be going back. In fact my extended family, meaning my mom and sisters are already talking about next June being a family vacation there. And even if we don’t all go, I’m going back next year. It is definitely love for me.

I will probably talk more about it in detail later as I feel compelled, but just wanted to get a brief synopsis of it out there.