Light bulb disasters

I have a lot of checking in to do. Like always, I’ve been meaning to update for days but then life gets the better of me and that is okay I suppose. You know how my last post was about flipping that switch. Well, is it possible for a light switch to be “half-way” on or I suppose flickering? Wait, its one of those dimmer switches and it’s at about 64%. Yeah, I know, an odd amount but it’s more than half-way turned on but not quite where it should be. Regardless the point is I’ve had a few defining moments in the past couple days that should have forcibly catapulted that switch to 100% and yet, I am rocking the 64% effort like nobody’s business.

Actually, at this point I am going to take 64% rockin it because that’s better than the 0% which did in fact rule my life up until Monday. I tried on Monday, attempted some semblance of anything healthy, but ultimately, I think the end all killer for me was the lack of any good foods to eat, coupled with the hungry monster and alas Monday was a failure. But I am proud to say that Tuesday and yesterday were in fact successes. The truth of the matter is my 64% switch is on because I am not actually journaling what I eat nor am I really “counting” my points. I am definitely eating much healthier and certainly in the normal weight watchers range but I’m not counting it and there is something liberating about it. I think this is why I’m grading myself at a 64. I know I need to actually count, but it will come in a few more days after I test the waters at this level and readjust my body to not making daily stops at fast food restaurants or rather convenience stores for all kinds of decadent goodies.

Case in point, just to illustrate the point effectively for you, this was on the floor board of my car on Tuesday morning. This was the “oh my god” this behavior has to stop moment for sure. Light bulb. And yes, Virginia, that is a tray of frosted sugar cookies, McDonald’s wrapper (shh… don’t look inside the bag), cheetos bag, chex-mix bag, pop-tart wrapper and the worst part of it all is that what is not illustrated by this horrible photographic evidence is the candy wrappers for the 3 full size candy bars I shoved into my mouth as well. Now mind you all those wrappers are not from one day. In all fairness to myself that was accumulated in the car over a few day range, but that’s not really that promising actually. So alas, light bulb moment #1. You’d think that photographic evidence would be enough for a catapult vault into healthy land but unfortunately I had another horrible light bulb moment on Tuesday.

Yes, this is shameful and I really don’t want to admit it because it’s embarrassing, but for the sake of full disclosure I thought I really should share my horrific pain. Tuesday morning I got up and put on a pair of jeans. This is a pair of jeans I don’t particularly love, but I thought they fit better than the 10 pairs I don’t dare even attempt to slide up my increasing body. Alas, I put them on and things were working out okay. That is until about 9:45 AM at work when sitting down, yes, the simple act of sitting down caused the unthinkable to happen. The button on them flew across the room. My sheer force/strength of my fat had been to much pressure for that little button to handle and it popped. Embarrassment. I suppose it would have been all the more embarrassing had anyone been in the office. Thank goodness for small victories. That being said, without the button, the zipper would not stay up. Again, the pressure of fat is far too great. I had to get some stuff done in the office before lunch time so I stayed and felt completely awkward in my basically completely undone jeans. It was not until lunch time that I was free to run home real quick and change them. Um, hello, EMBARRASING and obviously light bulb moment #2. If seeing your jean button fly across the room doesn’t spur you into action I am just not sure anything is ever going to.

I’m not going to lie the past couple days have been tremendously difficult for me. After consuming whatever I want, whenever I want going back to “healthy” foods doesn’t seem fun. But what is less fun is the way I feel consistently about myself.

What is not fun, is light bulb moment #3. I finally tackled the spare bedroom on Tuesday night after the horrible button popping incident. What I mean by that is for the past month I had just been throwing all my clothes onto the bed in the spare bedroom rather than dealing with them. Mainly, I have an over abundance of clothing and if I’m not in the right mood I really don’t want to hang up, fold and/or put away my clothes. Somehow I got it stuck in my mind that tossing them on the bed and simply shutting the door was a good avoidance strategy. It was originally my intention for this to only occur for a few days until I got to the clothes. I think the reality is I didn’t want to deal with the fact that tons of my cute adorable clothes do not fit. It’s a reality check in a way that alerts a light bulb to go off. I started crying. Yes, I cried because I was so unhappy with my avoidance of the situation and I felt so powerless. Now, I didn’t let myself indulge too long in my pity. I am not powerless. I’ve done this a million and one times and you know what I’m “starting” at a place that is far more manageable than any other time I’ve “started”.

When you weigh less, a 15-20 pound gain is enough to make a gigantic difference in your clothing. I need to take off these 15-20 pounds to regain the feeling of Emily. I have not even broached the subject of exercise because my heart isn’t there yet. Which is yet again why the light bulb is only 64% on. I am getting there. I am thinking about my beloved running. I am going to run soon. Most likely this weekend, maybe tonight, who knows? The thing is, I wasn’t ready Tuesday to run. So after work, instead of coming home and being a piggy which was my first inclination, instead I decided to massive hardcore clean the house. I spent two hours tackling the area. Removing items from counter tops, deep scrubbing, washing kitchen cabinets and appliances. Scrubbing the floor. This is why I tackled the spare bedroom clothing situation. I cleaned house and ultimately it felt pretty good.

Last night after work, after somehow managing to get thru the day without completely blowing the food choices, I did not want to come home and falter. Instead, I finally went to the grocery store for some much needed healthy options. It’s amazing how difficult it is to eat healthy when you have none of the quality choices at your disposal. Actually we had nothing at our disposal as the cupboards were barren. I spent a little over an hour or so walking up and down the isles and picked up a few essentials that I needed in order to be healthy girl. Ultimately it was a good trip. When I was on vacation we had a temp in the office who is actually the mother in law of one of the owners of the business. Anyway, a completely super nice wonderful woman. I think she’s amazing. Anyway, she was kind enough to bring in one of those square cube fridge’s into the office and let me tell you how grateful I am for that. After shopping last night and getting foods I actually loaded up a bag and brought into work with me today so that I have good options here in the office. String cheese, weight watchers cream cheese, English muffins, Canadian bacon, apples, bananas, lettuce, sugar free pudding snack packs, granola bars, and a few smart ones frozen lunches. Basically I have a few options now in the fridge and I can already tell is going to make a difference in eating healthy. I love that I have the mini-fridge at work. I already had a microwave, so between the two of them I am set :)

Today I am armed with all my healthy choices and I have to say despite how amazingly difficult this has been, each day it does seem to get a little easier. I am tired of being disgusted with myself. I am tired of not really caring what I look like and I’m tired of having tons of amazing hot clothes and not being able to wear them.

Yeah, I know I am not so awful in the grand scheme of things. I just am not thrilled with the bevy of empty wrappers existing the car. I am not happy with the millions of McDonald’s runs I seem to be doing. I am not happy with where this is heading and its time to stop. I really just wanted to come clean with what is going on in terms of the health front. I actually have a lot of other issues swirling around in my head as well, but
I’ve already said so much for the day that my fingers are spent :)

Oh, except for one last comment, have you seen the promos for the new TV show, More to Love? Yeah, it’s the “normal sized” dating show. Once again I can’t tell if I should be offended or thankful for this show. The promos show bigger girls crying saying they deserve love to. I completely agree with this concept, but is this total exploitation? The show does combine two of my favorite topics, health/weight issues mixed with reality dating shows. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t secretly thrilled and excited for its debut. But I also can’t shake the feeling that its wrong to feel that way. I don’t want to watch the show to mock or judge. I actually enjoy seeing normal real women looking for love, but my heart says its exploitation all the way. Alas, I will be there.