Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Flipping a Switch

I’m not going to lie, avoidance is the thing I do when I don’t want to deal with a situation. Avoidance is unto itself my way of “dealing” with an issue. Running away from it all. I am pretty positive at this point in my life I am not going to change my coping mechanisms. It’s pretty engrained in me. The best I can hope for it to acknowledge accept and try to work with what I got. Therefore, I am going to tell it like it is. I have been eating like a horrible pig and if I were to check the scale it would show me a horrible scary number for sure. I know this because my clothes don’t fit. Yeah, it’s that bad. I feel completely uncomfortable in everything I own and it’s affecting how I view myself completely. I am avoiding the situation all together by immersing myself into other activities. I am avoiding the situation by not journaling and therefore not having to come clean to everyone about how poorly I’ve been behaving. I need to nip this behavior in the bud before it spirals drastically out of control. However, today is not that day. I wish today were that day, but its just not.

I’ve always said I have a little switch in my brain that’s got to get flipped on or off in order to tackle weight loss. It’s like the hardest thing in the world for me one day and then the next I honest to God can just do it, and it all has to do with that flip being switched. I think it’s my crazy inner girl. The switch is not flipped and therefore I am struggling. What I can say with certainty is that the switch is getting ready to flip any day now. I am positive of that. I can only go on for a few more days before enough will be enough. I know myself well enough after all these years to acknowledge all the tell-tale signs of the switch flipping. I’ve got a few more days and it’s going to get turned on. I think all my ducks have to be in line with everything else in my life in order to be at that appropriate place to care.

Needless to say I do not need to talk about the horrible choices that have grazed my lips recently. I do not need to rehash the indulgences that seem to be daily and frequently. I don’t need the food and it certainly makes me feel worse, but for some reason once a food addict, always a food addict. Did I mention all my jeans are tight and therefore uncomfortable, and those are the ones I am actually willing to wear? I mean, I don’t dare go near about 10 pairs of jeans that I know would not even work. That’s what 20 pounds will do. I am sure it’s 20 pounds. Again, I am NOT ready to admit the number. I am not ready to know myself. I think that would just make me cringe. I am also not professing that today is the day I start. It isn’t. I already know that. But soon. Soon enough I am going to be ready to tackle this again. And I am certain again and again in my life. Its checks and balances. By no means am I some horrible fat pig. I am totally fine, but it’s just time to get things back in check.

I have spent the past week plus since returning from Maui dreaming and thinking about Maui. I am not sure what it is about Maui that is so wonderful and magical, but for me it is. For me, it is paradise and heaven all rolled into one. It is amazing and I just smile thinking about it and spend my time wishing I were there. That might be unhealthy. I am sure it will fade as time goes by, but Maui is perfection. I am going to try and focus on going there with more frequency than my once every 12 year average. I think knowing that its not unobtainable is important for my psyche. I think knowing that I have something to look forward to by way of a wonderful tropical vacation really can do wonders for your attitude. So I do declare that sometime next summer, I will go back. But that’s really a later discussion.

I’ve spent the past couple days fully invested in creating the most amazing Maui Scrapbook the world has ever seen. Okay, the most amazing scrapbook for me. I so loved every moment of my trip that I want to have this gorgeous keepsake in the form of pictures and such to remember it by. It’s also kept Maui fresh on the brain to chronicle the trip in the evenings. I have learned that when it comes to design these days for me its about perfection. I scrapbooked many years ago, like 10 years ago was probably the last time and based on the work I produced at that time I really was more about quantity than quality. My pages seemed thrown together and speed was the name of the game. I have learned to savor the art of making a beautiful page. After all, I only get to scrapbook these pictures on this page once so I better get it right. I am loving my ever increasing book. It’s getting to be gigantic which is a bit cumbersome really. I am having fun and I guess that is the important part. My evenings have been spent with stuff sprawled out all over the kitchen table and me firmly planted in the chair ready to go. Honestly as much as I’m loving it, I also want it to be done so I can return to a bit of other normalcy in my life. Not shockingly I won’t be able to rest until the book is complete. I am aiming for a weekend finishing of the book, with a scheduled switch flipping of the brain in regards to my health occurring next Monday. Do you like how I can plan out the switch flipping like that? I am hopeful that once my focus is no longer living and breathing a scrapbook that I will have the time I need to care about my health once again. Also, I am in desperate need of a quality grocery run mixed with some decent dinner options. I am finding that hunger gets the best of me and I completely indulge in stupid choices out of hunger. Dumb really.

Honestly I had the most amazing trip I could have wished for and I do believe it was good enough to carry me thru for another year until I get to go again. Especially when I have my fabulous scrapbook to look back upon and remember and get excited all over again about it.

On another front it seems my cousin got engaged last night or the night before. He is twenty something, like 23 or 24. Amazing guy and his fiancé is fabulous, wonderful. We all adore her, but I have to admit that hearing this news last night did something funny to my heart that I can’t quite place yet. I have been contemplating that thought for a while. I was angry, not because of them at all. I am amazingly happy and thrilled for them. I love them both and we all knew it was coming. But I am angry that I am spinster lady I think. I am angry that my life has become what it has. July 2 will be 5 years into my relationship. 5 years is a long time and suddenly I felt the twinge of jealousy I think. Jealousy is no reason to get married for sure. I need to accept and be comfortable with all the choices I have made in my life. We all choose different paths and if we’ve made that decision we need to walk proud in our choices. But alas…. Well, you get the idea. It’s not sitting well and I really need to pinpoint the area of frustration.

Anyway, I will try to not avoid the obvious because that is how we get ourselves in far more trouble than we wish and soon I am hoping for a magical light bulb to go off in my head that gives me the strength and will power to do what I know how to do, what is second nature to me.

2 comments:

Pg_Ro said...

Hi Emily,
I totally understand about the "switch". I also understand about being jealous when other (younger) people are getting engaged & married. Even when you are happy for them, it's easy to wonder why it hasn't happened for you. I am turning 34 in July, and I am freaking out & wondering if I should just accept the fact that it's not looking likely that I will have kids of my own. It's really depressing if I think about it too much!

Hang in there, and good luck with that switch:).

Brianna said...

It is SOOOO hard to flip the switch after vacation- but eventually you just get tired of feeling fat and gross and you go for it! It will happen to you too. You always bounce back so nicely.

As for getting engaged- I know how you're feeling. I'm one of the last of my friends to get engaged. And the other one of us who isn't engaged, got engaged the day after we did and she and her BF had been dating for a mere 5 months. And her diamond is *literally* ten times bigger than mine. It all brings up very strange emotions, for sure! Have you and Chris discussed taking the next step? ;)