I am fighting tooth and nail to refrain from breaking into Adelle lyrics, right? Because the song is overplayed and yet I can’t seem to stop the song from swirling around in my head as I write this out. Because it’s been a VERY long time. Because apparently big blog hiatus’s are what I do from time to time, but we all knew that. At least I have not checked out from the internet world. Hello, Instagram. You have become the best thing in the world and somehow the worst at the same time because you are an addiction that is incomparable to most.
Here’s the good news world. I am still plugging along. I have had a fairly stressful and depressing beginning of 2016. Not what I would have hoped for but I seem to have slightly rebounded all things considered. I am just trying to figure out my new life focus or restructure my desires to different pursuits.
I think I can finally say I am over the whole run a half marathon every weekend thing. Not because I can’t. Physically I am more than capable of running every weekend but because it doesn’t hold the same appeal at the moment for me. I’ve finally played that out. Been there, done that. With that said, I am NOT over running. I think it has finally started to subside to the point where I have found some balance about it. I want to run, but its quality over quantity. I can’t stomach spending $100 a weekend to run another half that ultimately isn’t worth the price tag. I am currently training for another full marathon. If I’m going to do this thing, the running thing, it’s going to be something that challenges me. Full marathons scare the shit out of me. Yes, I ran 3 of them last year and yes I am every bit as terrified as I was when I originally signed up for one. In fact, in some ways, even more so because now I know what I’m getting myself in for. They are a completely torturous process that I am sure is probably ultimately horrible for your body. But we do it. And we gladly sign up for the torture.
I am finding marathon training the second time around a different process. I don’t have the same I have to do this attitude, although, I am still Emily and therefore will still do every single run. That’s who I am after all. But the desire level isn’t exactly the same. I have found some new passions over the past couple months. In a nutshell my gym lost classes. I volunteered to keep doing them for the couple people who took them with me. There was this little group of us that always did the classes. I said I’d write them up and we could still do them. From January until about 2 weeks ago I was doing those 4 days a week. It was fun.
2 weeks ago a big new fancy gym opened up in the area and I signed up. It was like heaven. It reminded me of my very first fabulous gym that made me fall in love with gyms to begin with. I am beyond happy there. Some of the people from my old gym followed me over and now I’m leading my own group workouts two times a week. I am voluntarily doing this you see, as I am not licensed and therefore it is really just a group of friends working out. I’m having fun with it all. Sometimes it feels like pressure, sometimes it’s just fun as hell.
Balance. I forever search for the balance of life. Don’t we all. I’ve been up, I’ve been down, I’ve been everywhere and which way in between. It happens. It’s funny how things change. How some things stay exactly the same too. My best friend Amanda is like 6 months pregnant at the moment. She’s still working out with me all the time. But very soon we will have a little baby boy in our lives. I swear I’ve even become closer to Amanda over the past couple months if that’s even possible.
I don’t weigh myself. Like pretty much ever. Why torture myself when I’ve seem to come to a good place in my life where balance exists on that front. Maybe I’m way out of balance in a lot of areas but I’m pretty happy and comfortable in my own imperfect skin. I’m not the smallest I’ve ever been but I’m pretty okay with what I see. And I have a ton of muscles so the weight on the scale is fairly irrelevant. I am what I am, and what I am is a strong woman who loves working out for her well-being and health and who also loves food and eats far too much of it (including crappy bad for you food) and somehow it still all balances out.
No need to go down the anxiety, obsessive compulsive food scale path. Been there, done that a million times. With that said, I’m sure I will eventually get on the scale again. I peek every so often and try to let it roll off my back. I’m happy mostly, so who cares. When you can like the image you see in the mirror, even in a bathing suit (and it’s not perfect I can attest to that) but I can still feel happy and confident then that’s exactly where I want to be.
I pretty much journal or diary my life daily on Instagram so I suppose in a lot of ways that has taken the place of my need to document my life here, although there are issues or stuff I could not go into on Instagram that’s true. And there is a part of me that misses the ability to be batshit crazy and neurotic and this was the safe place I felt like I could do it at.
My life these days pretty much in a nutshell. I run. I lift. I eat. I snuggle my doggies. I go to work. I go to sleep. I do pretty much the same thing the next day. There’s not a ton of other in my life right now and I guess that’s okay. I have nothing major planned or in the works. I am just trying this whole existing thing. It happens. It needs to happen. To just exist a little bit for a little while. And that’s about it for me. For now. But hey, it’s an update. After 5 months, it’s an update :)