It's a GYM problem

2014 is coming to an end in honestly an unexpected, unwelcomed and slightly irritating way. Yes, I have been MIA for a while, and when I look back at when I pseudo disappeared it has everything to do with the correlation of the shit storm that started to appear in my world. Big changes on the horizon and as I have previously learned about myself I don’t handle change well. It ALWAYS throws me into major tailspins and it’s when things go flying off track for me. I am there. Right smack dab in the middle of major life upheaval.  Now, I must admit that for some people what I am about to discuss is going to sound utterly retarded and ridiculous and so trivial and unimportant but for me it really is my life.

 

It’s all gym related. As in effective November 1 my small local lovely happy gym was purchased by a major roid raging asshole. We were a lovely happy little family once upon a time and I felt comfortable and respected and loved at my gym. It was a place I had come to love going.  It was a second family to me really. I spent so much time there and have developed major friendships with SOOO many people. I never dreaded going there. It kept everything in balance for me.  This all started to slip away in November.

 

First the lovely gym manager quit. Then the second in command, my ex trainer quit (love her), then new management moved in and declared that our little gym was going to become the second home officially of the Oregon based bodybuilding team, Team DreamQuest. Seriously we are the home to a bodybuilding team. And of course that meant that all the local bodybuilders were moving in and taking up shop. Training their clients in my quiet little happy gym.  And then slowly but surely things got worse. So much drama and crap. I can’t even begin to write it all out. All this culminating with last weeks decision of my bestie and trainer of a year and half Amanda, resigning.  

 

I should tell you that my current personal training contract was set to end this month. My last payment was coming out December 1 for 4 more training sessions.  In November I signed a new 3 month contract. Then a bunch of shit happened and before the 3 day grace period I decided to pull the contract. You have 3 days after signing to change your mind. I acted on that and cancelled. So December 1 my last training payment went out. Since Amanda quit, we fit in 2 training sessions last week and right now I have 1 training session left to my name. Other than that, I am done, no longer under any obligation or contract.

 

Pretty much in a month and a half every single staff member has quit and been replaced by a what can only be presumed as steroid taking macho meathead employees.  Most gym members that I had developed these great relationships with have been beyond upset, and some even in tears over it.  I realize that it’s just a gym and it shouldn’t affect people like this, but it was always slightly more than just a gym to some of us.

 

It has really made me question and reevaluate a lot of things. I was fine as long as I had Amanda. As soon as she was out of there I have to admit that I’ve kind of fallen apart. As I previously said, I SUCK at change. It throws me off incredibly.  I thrive on consistency and routine. I’ve had a really pissy attitude as of late. A Fuck it, who the hell cares lets go eat half a pizza, followed by the very next day going to Applebee’s for wings, fries and margaritas, followed by Mexican and margaritas.  All in the same God Damned weekend. I am not really working out, going to the gym makes me want to vomit.

 

In a nutshell I’ve been a total mess lately. Add on top of all that two weeks ago someone ran a red light and totally smashed up my truck. I was fine, not hurt shockingly, but I’ve been dealing with insurance companies and car stress and drama and then holiday stress on top of that and you see why all I want to do is just eat? Ugh. I’m trying to pull myself back together but it is extremely difficult.

 

Amanda took a position on Monday at a new gym in town. Much farther out south. About 20-30 minutes from the current gym. Honestly I wanted to like the gym, I wanted to fall in love and sign up and be happy and have a new home. But I went last night to try it out and I HATED it. Like really hated it. And now I am stressed again.  Because that was the nail in the coffin, the final reality that the relationship that Amanda and I have as it has been is over. It doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends or see each other but clearly the relationship is going to change dramatically. And I’m mourning that loss right now. I’m trying to come to terms with the reality that things are all going to change. And I don’t do well with change. Ugh.

 

So mostly I am in search of a new something. Something to spark my interest. Something to get me excited and motivated. Something, anything really. To be completely honest I am 100% burnt out on running. Not shocking given the year I’ve had. Not shocking considering how much I’ve ran. I just want a break. I don’t want to give up running, but right now I don’t want to do it. I need a break. So I need something else.  I really, really do.

 

I am done with personal training and don’t see that in my foreseeable future. I honestly don’t know how I’d be able to train with anyone but Amanda. Maybe someday I will find another place I love and another trainer that I connect with, but for now it’s going to have to be all me. The next step is finding a new gym. Sigh. NOT fun.

 

For now I keep going back to my meathead gym where I am becoming increasingly less comfortable by the day. I will try it again tonight.  I went Monday night and I hated it. I declared in my head, I was done and I didn’t ever want to go back, which prompted me to go to the new gym last night, which I hated. So back to the old gym tonight where I fear the worst.

 

Have I mentioned how much  I HATE change?  If I don’t stop eating and start working out things are going to get REALLY rough. I already feel horrific on so many levels. I keep telling myself to just thru the rest of December and start again fresh in January, new year, right? I can do this. I’ve been thru worse. In fact there was a time in my life where I didn’t have any gym membership and couldn’t stand the thought of going to one. Somehow I still managed to exercise. Well, I ran only. And couldn’t maintain my weight loss. Hmm… exactly. It was only when I had the gym and a connection and relationships and friends that I’ve been able to maintain. I need a gym. Sigh.

 

I need to get out of the horrible mind frame I’ve been in for over a month now and just realize that I am better than all of this and I will find my way again. But hey at least I wrote out this post. Makes writing the next one all the easier.

 

I know, I know… stupid problems right? Doesn’t matter, its real to me.  It’s all so real and painful. It’s break up’s and things coming to an end and grieving and trying to move on.  One day at a time.