Trust the process

I had a super busy morning at work; it seemed like it was constantly one thing after another and now I am grateful it is the afternoon and things seem to have calmed down for a brief moment in time. I feel tired today, but that might also have something to do with it being 1:30 in the afternoon and I’m approaching my normal slump time. There is forever always an afternoon lull where I simply want to curl up and sleep.  It’s kind of obnoxious really. I stopped at a Plaid Pantry on my way back to the office for some energy drinks, because despite knowing they are full of horrific chemicals that certainly do not actually help you at all, I am very addicted to them. They are my vise. We all have one; a vice that we know is bad but can’t seem to break. Energy drinks are mine. I just like them.

Anyhow, I went in to buy some energy drinks and they had those little packs of peanuts on sale right when you walk in. They said they had a coupon at the register so they were actually 4 packs for 44 cents. For some reason I decided that I should get 4 of them because that is a great price and honestly peanuts are pretty good and healthy for you despite their incredibly high calorie and fat content. What is shocking is that 280 calories and 25 grams of fat is really equivalent to so little. I easily could have eaten 5 times the amount I did in that little pack. Probably why I will forever have a weight problem. If a little is good, a lot must be better!  It was not at all planned for today, and considering I only get 1200 calories a day, 280 calories seems steep, or actually ¼ of my entire daily food consumption. Geesh, when I say it like that it hardly seems worth it. Too late, because it’s already been consumed. I was hungry, it was an impulse purchase and I’m just going to live with it. Besides it was peanuts, I didn’t eat a candy bar. I ate good healthy peanuts in their raw form. This is hardly something to be that concerned about.

Last night I killed it at the gym. I ran for 20 minutes, 2.25 miles and I was dripping sweat. Then I did a half hour class, butts and guts and the room was HOT which made me sweat like a horrible stinky pig, but it also upped my heart rate for sure and I was working really hard. Then came an hour of Iron Power class. By the time I had finished the night, it was almost 2 hours and 900 calories. This is a lot for an evening. I will not be putting out that much effort tonight. I promise I will be thrilled with a good solid 500 calories of output tonight. And that is only if I’m lucky, meaning if I find some hidden drive to do some cardio. I can only get real calorie burn in when I do cardio. Lifting weights is really important but does not produce the same calorie burn. I seem to need to start with the cardio to warm my entire body up and then it burns more when I am lifting as a result. Right now cardio does not sound that fun actually. Hopefully in a few hours my outlook on it will change.

In terms of weight loss I feel like I have not been all that good this last week, since last Thursday’s weigh in. I really only have today and tomorrow and then I weigh in first thing Thursday morning. This is where I just have to put my blind faith in the process and trust. I have not gotten on the scale so I really have no idea where I’m at which is good, a few of those days were rough. Of course it could be really good too. In the end I am just going to have to trust that this process works if you are good and healthy and treat yourself well, results will happen. Perhaps not crazy insane results, but those don’t last anyway.  Thursday will be my fourth whole week of being back on track. Boy how time does just fly by.  I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt I feel better than I did 4 weeks ago. Caring about yourself and your health just has so many positive benefits on your life. Most of them have to do with how you feel on the inside and your own sense of self-worth. Let’s be honest the 5 pounds I am down on the scale are very insignificant. But the stuff that is affected on the inside is well worth any effort I’ve put out. I am infinitely happier when I am living a healthy life. That is the best reward, period, end of story.

Sometimes I have moments where I wish my life were more exciting but honestly I have worked pretty hard to get to this exact place I am at right now, and despite massive amounts of everyday excitement, I really can’t imagine it any other way. This is the life I have chosen for myself and I am pretty comfortable with it. Sometimes I forget I am 35 years old and want to behave like a younger version of myself. I suppose we all do that from time to time, but in reality at the end of the day I far too often realize that I am in fact 35 and just want to come home to my house and rest and relax in my own domain. I don’t need a lot more than I already have to be happy and content. The older I get the more I realize that all the rest of that shit is just superficial unimportant crap. What really matters is the love and people you surround yourself with. And at the top of that list is that whole self-love thing. I could easily see that by the time I reach my 40’s being in that complete place of zen, I do not truly care what other people think of me.  I truly do like what age is doing for my mind, body and spirit.

Love yourself just as you are.