These are the ones I bought today already...
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Big Shoe Trouble
Oh and just wanted to share, I am in such big shoe trouble today because http://www.zulily.com/new-today/? Has Toms shoes on sale today. $45 instead of $68 or more for the wedges. I have already purchased 4 pairs that I don't already own and I owned a lot of them already in the wedge style. Let's see if I can hold myself back and not order the other colors I don't have. If you want to try the most comfortable wedge shoe ever than I highly recommend!!!
These are the ones I bought today already...
These are the ones I bought today already...
Discontent
Some days I feel so great; on top of the world actually and then other days I realize how little I really have figured out anything. Today is definitely the later. Today I feel lost for some reason. When you are a little kid when you looked into the future did you really ever see yourself exactly where you are right now; today? If you can honestly answer that with a yes than congratulations more power to you oh and wait, what the hell is your secret? Did you set unbelievably low expectations for yourself or are you just a contended generally happy person? I guess on Facebook I see women who are stay at home moms raising their kids who “appear” to have it all or at least be at exactly the place they want to be at in their lives and I find myself so envious. Not of the stay at home mom part but at the pure happiness they seem to have. Notice how I obviously say all this with a grain of salt because we all know Facebook is probably one of the least accurate portrayals of truth out there but it’s a nice fantasy isn’t it? God knows what is really going on underneath it all. Most people don’t have blogs to document the true neurosis of their inner brain.
Today, this rather ordinary Wednesday, I am having a whole who the fuck am I kind of moment. I’m having a; I haven’t figured out shit and is this what I really want kind of moment. You may ask in reference to what, but the truth is, it’s in reference to everything and nothing all at the same time. How’s that for complicated. I guess it’s just growing pains which I have never been very good at. I am nothing if set in routine, reliable and consistent and the slightest wind in the sails and I don’t like the outcome. I read a pinterest the other night about change being incredibly difficult. Here, I’ll post it;
Nothing in my life has particularly changed other than the slow every day changes that shift and occur but suddenly today I just feel so out of whack. Yup, my chi is off balance. Suddenly today I find myself not sure how the person staring back at me in the mirror is. I feel majorly discontented with every aspect of my life. Like somehow, somewhere I’ve steered myself off course. I wish I knew where that course was supposed to lead me to begin with so I could get back on it, but I don’t know.
I guess I’m just having one of those days where I feel like I’ve missed the boat on something big and crazy that I should be doing in my life. Like somewhere along the way I clearly made a wrong decision. As much as I generally love my job, today I feel miraculously unfulfilled. Like I am wasting away my life sitting in this office. Like this doesn’t make me happy one little bit. And then there is my personal life which has gone thru its series of challenges this past week or so. Really years actually. But nonetheless, like maybe something is missing from all of it. Ugh. I hate that. My brain is being a whiny discontented little bitch today and I just want to make these thoughts dissipate. I’m having a moment of thinking that I am just wasting away the happiest moments of my life. Like maybe I should have been a mom? I would have been a good; albeit slightly crazy mother. Or maybe I should have embarked down a different career path that actually left me challenged and completed.
Funny this is, most of time I really enjoy my life. Most of the time I love my job; am completely contended with the quality of my life, etc. But just lately, those winds of change have shifted ever so slightly and left me wondering what if. What if I could actually be one of those people who was truly happy and got what they wanted out of life? Why do I so consistently stand of the precipice of having what I want and choosing fear instead. Fear keeps one stuck doing exactly what they have always done. Finding excuses as to why things aren’t possible when even I know that anything is possible if you really want it bad enough.
I guess we all want more out of life. I suppose the grass is somehow always greener on the other side. Be thankful for what you do have I guess. Be thankful in the moment that you are presently living because nothing is ever guaranteed.
I sit in my office staring at a pile of work that I need to do but can’t for the life of me get myself to do because I am feeling so uninterested in any of it. I am uninterested in my own life. I blame my period I guess. Damned hormones running amuck. But still, if period hormones can make you question your whole existence isn’t that probably some truth to it? At its core isn’t some part of you slightly off? Maybe I need happy pills, maybe that is the answer. Maybe a little pill in a bottle can take away some of the fuzzy rolling around in my brain. Or perhaps that is my coup out to actually dealing with the real issues. I have a tendency to do that. I run away from all my problems. Like literally don’t answer the phone, ignore the email, walk in the other room, shut down. Anything to avoid having to actually deal with a problem.
And today my biggest problem is how unsatisfied I actually am. I feel like I should/could be doing more with my life. I just don’t know how to get it. This doesn’t make me happy anymore. I feel like in order to be truly happy I need to find a different outlet. I feel like I want to connect more with people than sitting in an office by myself actually allows. Thank God for the internet or else I would certainly had to have quit by now.
I guess I just am having one of those days today. The Wednesday hump of it all. I am sure tomorrow I will feel better as the weekend approaches. At least I hope I will. Happiness is a hard pill to consistently keep down. Some days it just eludes you no matter what you do. No matter what you have in your life I guarantee there is someone wishing for it right now. So as bad or as discontented as I may feel I am certain someone would rather be in my spot right now for sure. I need to keep a mental note of the reality that it can always be worse. I have a good life, I really do. So get over the bitching already!
It’s my lunch time and I am going to go outside in the sun which might help improve my mood a little and of course tonight I have my three 30 minute workout classes to look forward. 1.5 hours of fun! Hopefully stress relieving fun! I just wish I “had” this a little more than I do. That’s all.
Today, this rather ordinary Wednesday, I am having a whole who the fuck am I kind of moment. I’m having a; I haven’t figured out shit and is this what I really want kind of moment. You may ask in reference to what, but the truth is, it’s in reference to everything and nothing all at the same time. How’s that for complicated. I guess it’s just growing pains which I have never been very good at. I am nothing if set in routine, reliable and consistent and the slightest wind in the sails and I don’t like the outcome. I read a pinterest the other night about change being incredibly difficult. Here, I’ll post it;
Nothing in my life has particularly changed other than the slow every day changes that shift and occur but suddenly today I just feel so out of whack. Yup, my chi is off balance. Suddenly today I find myself not sure how the person staring back at me in the mirror is. I feel majorly discontented with every aspect of my life. Like somehow, somewhere I’ve steered myself off course. I wish I knew where that course was supposed to lead me to begin with so I could get back on it, but I don’t know.
I guess I’m just having one of those days where I feel like I’ve missed the boat on something big and crazy that I should be doing in my life. Like somewhere along the way I clearly made a wrong decision. As much as I generally love my job, today I feel miraculously unfulfilled. Like I am wasting away my life sitting in this office. Like this doesn’t make me happy one little bit. And then there is my personal life which has gone thru its series of challenges this past week or so. Really years actually. But nonetheless, like maybe something is missing from all of it. Ugh. I hate that. My brain is being a whiny discontented little bitch today and I just want to make these thoughts dissipate. I’m having a moment of thinking that I am just wasting away the happiest moments of my life. Like maybe I should have been a mom? I would have been a good; albeit slightly crazy mother. Or maybe I should have embarked down a different career path that actually left me challenged and completed.
Funny this is, most of time I really enjoy my life. Most of the time I love my job; am completely contended with the quality of my life, etc. But just lately, those winds of change have shifted ever so slightly and left me wondering what if. What if I could actually be one of those people who was truly happy and got what they wanted out of life? Why do I so consistently stand of the precipice of having what I want and choosing fear instead. Fear keeps one stuck doing exactly what they have always done. Finding excuses as to why things aren’t possible when even I know that anything is possible if you really want it bad enough.
I guess we all want more out of life. I suppose the grass is somehow always greener on the other side. Be thankful for what you do have I guess. Be thankful in the moment that you are presently living because nothing is ever guaranteed.
I sit in my office staring at a pile of work that I need to do but can’t for the life of me get myself to do because I am feeling so uninterested in any of it. I am uninterested in my own life. I blame my period I guess. Damned hormones running amuck. But still, if period hormones can make you question your whole existence isn’t that probably some truth to it? At its core isn’t some part of you slightly off? Maybe I need happy pills, maybe that is the answer. Maybe a little pill in a bottle can take away some of the fuzzy rolling around in my brain. Or perhaps that is my coup out to actually dealing with the real issues. I have a tendency to do that. I run away from all my problems. Like literally don’t answer the phone, ignore the email, walk in the other room, shut down. Anything to avoid having to actually deal with a problem.
And today my biggest problem is how unsatisfied I actually am. I feel like I should/could be doing more with my life. I just don’t know how to get it. This doesn’t make me happy anymore. I feel like in order to be truly happy I need to find a different outlet. I feel like I want to connect more with people than sitting in an office by myself actually allows. Thank God for the internet or else I would certainly had to have quit by now.
I guess I just am having one of those days today. The Wednesday hump of it all. I am sure tomorrow I will feel better as the weekend approaches. At least I hope I will. Happiness is a hard pill to consistently keep down. Some days it just eludes you no matter what you do. No matter what you have in your life I guarantee there is someone wishing for it right now. So as bad or as discontented as I may feel I am certain someone would rather be in my spot right now for sure. I need to keep a mental note of the reality that it can always be worse. I have a good life, I really do. So get over the bitching already!
It’s my lunch time and I am going to go outside in the sun which might help improve my mood a little and of course tonight I have my three 30 minute workout classes to look forward. 1.5 hours of fun! Hopefully stress relieving fun! I just wish I “had” this a little more than I do. That’s all.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Operating at 92%
This is going to be a very quick drive by kind of post. My morning has been really busy thus far and any time now I have to leave the office and deliver a contract for a job we are starting tomorrow to the general contractor’s office about an hour away. This means a solid 2 hours plus in the car driving. When I get back into town I will have more errands to run; fun fun. Aren’t some days just like that?
Anyhow last night went well. I had my personal training session which ended up being entirely weights driven. I really enjoyed it. Not so much about elevating my heart rate but instead focused dedicated lifting which was a nice change of pace. The truth is this… I don’t need a personal trainer to tell me how to do cardio or to elevate my heart rate, I paid a trainer to show me how to lift weights and target areas that I would never do on my own. Don’t get me wrong, I love cardio something fierce, but I just know how to do that on my own. That has always and will always be my go to gym activity. I know how to get on a treadmill. I know how to do the stair climber. It is my passion and I do that quite frequently without any guidance from a trainer. I love that when I am with her I get to work out and do all these other things that I don’t normally do. I actually think it was one of the best training sessions. No, I wasn’t dripping sweat but I was using my arms in ways that I don’t really do otherwise. It was pretty awesome actually. I learned a few new moves to incorporate into my little weight routine I do.
Yes, at work I have 2 five pound dumbbells that I break out pretty much daily and do a little set routine of lifts. It is awesome because it breaks up the day and gets me to be active at my otherwise sedentary job and it doesn’t make me cardio sweaty so it’s cool. Plus I’m exercising at work here and there. Nice. I’m a freak. I like to call it obsessive compulsive but when channeled towards good it can have its benefits I guess.
After my training session I did a cardio sculpt class and then what is quickly becoming my favorite class, Turbokick. So much fun! It wasn’t a killer sweat session last night but that’s okay. Thus, I didn’t burn a ton of calories. Ended up around 600 calories gone but more important than that was all the different stuff I did. Tonight there aren’t classes I want to take so I will be on my own in the gym. Quite frankly I think it’s time for at least a 5K run. I’m trying to be conscious of what the trainers have told me in regards to not overkilling the cardio but a nice 5K is what my body wants and I don’t think that’s too bad. A nice 30 minute run followed by at least 30 minutes of weights. This week I’m still not back to my crazy town attitude in regards to wanting to exercise for 2 plus hours but maybe this is normal and just me balancing myself out. That is probably more the truth. This is probably the normal balance or level of interest I will have in exercise. Enough to go almost daily but not wanting to push myself past an hour or hour and a half. I think that is normal. The shiny new-ness of it all is starting to wear off, but at least I’m still interested in it.
I think when I finally do take my measurements again at the gym that will be some sort of motivation… hopefully… I have this insane fear that I am not really losing any inches. I am not losing anything on the scale I know but I have to have some sort of measurable progress for me to keep giving myself to this so much. Sure, I really do notice muscle growing which I love so that is truly what is keeping me going but it’d be nice if some sort of measureable activity followed. Anyhow, I first got measured on June 17 so I have another week or two but I’m already looking forward to that. I have really worked VERY hard this past month and would love to see some results. Of course my food is still all over the place and I’ve heard pretty much every one say that the exercise is nice and all but everything that is truly happening in your body is pretty much because of nutrition. Like 80% about food, 20% exercise.
I still have fabulous great days and then just shitty periods of time. I guess it’s because at my core I am a food addict. I just love good food and some days I just want to be able to eat chips and candy. If I cared a smidge more, I probably wouldn’t find myself so often eating crap foods but I generally think I care enough. It doesn’t rule me 24/7. Most of the time I eat healthy and then I throw in the things that I crave but seriously I couldn’t live if I couldn’t eat good tasting stuff. I’d fail.
Anyway this week is already much better than last week but I am not 100%... I’d say I’m at like a 92% in terms of motivation and drive. I actually think 92% is pretty damned good. I’ve had weeks where I teetered at 50% as to whether I wanted to do this or not. So a 92% is great all things considered.
It’s only Tuesday so I probably won’t feel better until later in the week and especially after I run my errands today that I don’t want to do. I guess sometimes it’s nice to get out but seriously driving for hours is never fun. Ah well.
Anyhow last night went well. I had my personal training session which ended up being entirely weights driven. I really enjoyed it. Not so much about elevating my heart rate but instead focused dedicated lifting which was a nice change of pace. The truth is this… I don’t need a personal trainer to tell me how to do cardio or to elevate my heart rate, I paid a trainer to show me how to lift weights and target areas that I would never do on my own. Don’t get me wrong, I love cardio something fierce, but I just know how to do that on my own. That has always and will always be my go to gym activity. I know how to get on a treadmill. I know how to do the stair climber. It is my passion and I do that quite frequently without any guidance from a trainer. I love that when I am with her I get to work out and do all these other things that I don’t normally do. I actually think it was one of the best training sessions. No, I wasn’t dripping sweat but I was using my arms in ways that I don’t really do otherwise. It was pretty awesome actually. I learned a few new moves to incorporate into my little weight routine I do.
Yes, at work I have 2 five pound dumbbells that I break out pretty much daily and do a little set routine of lifts. It is awesome because it breaks up the day and gets me to be active at my otherwise sedentary job and it doesn’t make me cardio sweaty so it’s cool. Plus I’m exercising at work here and there. Nice. I’m a freak. I like to call it obsessive compulsive but when channeled towards good it can have its benefits I guess.
After my training session I did a cardio sculpt class and then what is quickly becoming my favorite class, Turbokick. So much fun! It wasn’t a killer sweat session last night but that’s okay. Thus, I didn’t burn a ton of calories. Ended up around 600 calories gone but more important than that was all the different stuff I did. Tonight there aren’t classes I want to take so I will be on my own in the gym. Quite frankly I think it’s time for at least a 5K run. I’m trying to be conscious of what the trainers have told me in regards to not overkilling the cardio but a nice 5K is what my body wants and I don’t think that’s too bad. A nice 30 minute run followed by at least 30 minutes of weights. This week I’m still not back to my crazy town attitude in regards to wanting to exercise for 2 plus hours but maybe this is normal and just me balancing myself out. That is probably more the truth. This is probably the normal balance or level of interest I will have in exercise. Enough to go almost daily but not wanting to push myself past an hour or hour and a half. I think that is normal. The shiny new-ness of it all is starting to wear off, but at least I’m still interested in it.
I think when I finally do take my measurements again at the gym that will be some sort of motivation… hopefully… I have this insane fear that I am not really losing any inches. I am not losing anything on the scale I know but I have to have some sort of measurable progress for me to keep giving myself to this so much. Sure, I really do notice muscle growing which I love so that is truly what is keeping me going but it’d be nice if some sort of measureable activity followed. Anyhow, I first got measured on June 17 so I have another week or two but I’m already looking forward to that. I have really worked VERY hard this past month and would love to see some results. Of course my food is still all over the place and I’ve heard pretty much every one say that the exercise is nice and all but everything that is truly happening in your body is pretty much because of nutrition. Like 80% about food, 20% exercise.
I still have fabulous great days and then just shitty periods of time. I guess it’s because at my core I am a food addict. I just love good food and some days I just want to be able to eat chips and candy. If I cared a smidge more, I probably wouldn’t find myself so often eating crap foods but I generally think I care enough. It doesn’t rule me 24/7. Most of the time I eat healthy and then I throw in the things that I crave but seriously I couldn’t live if I couldn’t eat good tasting stuff. I’d fail.
Anyway this week is already much better than last week but I am not 100%... I’d say I’m at like a 92% in terms of motivation and drive. I actually think 92% is pretty damned good. I’ve had weeks where I teetered at 50% as to whether I wanted to do this or not. So a 92% is great all things considered.
It’s only Tuesday so I probably won’t feel better until later in the week and especially after I run my errands today that I don’t want to do. I guess sometimes it’s nice to get out but seriously driving for hours is never fun. Ah well.
Monday, July 8, 2013
A 4 day roller coaster
A Monday morning after a 4 day weekend is particularly ridiculous. I don’t like it one bit! I’d just say serious crap for sure. My heart is conflicted I want to do all the things I need to do to catch up personally but then I have that whole professionally speaking work stuff to catch up on as well. Balance it all. Tough. My 4 day weekend was a mixed bag. Some high highs, some low lows. As a general rule I have been off all last week.
I had some personal stuff going on in my life that was obviously playing into all aspects of my life. It was a rough week and by the end of the week I was emotionally exhausted and drained. Friday night ended up being particularly painful. Wait, let me back up. Last I spoke, or wrote, it was Wednesday. So let me get in my little mental time machine and back pedal to what feels like forever ago.
Wednesday night after work I went straight to the gym for some good class time, oh a visit with the health girl at the gym to discuss food a little. That was actually quite interesting really. We discussed nutrition and of course in relation to me and my goals. Basically she told me that I should not be doing cardio. That clearly it was time to build muscle and get my foundation base down and the cardio was just sucking all the nutrients and muscle from my body. Which always leaves me feeling so conflicted. How can getting my heart rate up and running be bad for me???
Honestly by the end of Wednesday night I was exhausted. I have been going going non-stop like the energizer bunny to the gym and was tired. Thursday morning I woke up and decided it was time to weigh myself. Thursday AM has always been my weigh-in day. Since my Maui trip I only have scale hopped like 2 times at random times on the scale and did not entirely like what I saw. The previous Thursday I weighed myself and was freaked out. I actually say 144.6 on the scale. This upset me greatly and I was mad. I was fearing that all the strength training and building of muscle was obviously fucking with the numbers. But since I had not officially done a Thursday morning weigh in since Maui I decided to go with the number and weigh myself again this week to compare. As long as it stayed the same or went down I was going to be okay. Well, this Thursday my body shifted and I weighed 141.4. Ah, better. Pre Maui I was 141 pounds. I can entirely take 141.4 and live with that. As long as I’m between 140-145 I will be happy. 144.6 was just too close to 145 that’s all. So 141.4 and I have this extra muscle I’ve never seen before. Yup, I’ll take it.
Obviously in lite of the scale Thursday morning I was a happy girl. It was 4th of July and I decided despite days and days in a row of exercise that I needed to go to the gym to stay on track for the day. I managed about an hour workout and left. Mentally I just wasn’t there. I had a fine 4th of July. I ended up eating too much as I could have predicted but whatever. Friday morning I woke up fine. I did some errands and REALLY didn’t feel like working out. I dragged my ass to the gym Friday afternoon and again did about 60 minutes before I told myself to just leave. I can tell when my mental fatigue sets in because I just don’t want to do it anymore. I just don’t care. I was so drained from so much of what was occurring in my personal life that I went home and pretty much had a freak out Friday afternoon. About 4 PM I just lost it and unfortunately the entire freaking evening went as horribly as one could expect. I was in a deep dark little hole that I could not drag myself out of. Stuff was said and done that was highly regrettable. I was up very late in my dark state of tears and confusion. Mentally exhausted. I ended up finally going to bed and just wanted to sleep. By some miracle or insane force more likely Saturday morning I made myself get out of bed to hit at 9 AM Turbokick class. I told myself that if I went to 9 AM Turbokick that I could be done with exercise until Monday night. So despite my lack of sleep, I got up and went to Turbokick.
Which means that I went to the gym and did a lot of exercise for 8 days in a row. I could feel it. Mentally I felt it. Saturday though I did feel better. Whatever horrible place I was in Friday night I was able to kind of pull myself out of a little Saturday morning. I went to Saturday Market and walked around and got fresh produce and flowers and was outside and it was great. My Saturday was kind of relaxing which really helped things improve. But I did end up eating like crap again. Oh well. Baby steps.
Yesterday, after a good night’s sleep on Saturday I finally was starting to feel better. I decided that perhaps a nice hike in the woods was in order. Boy oh Boy, that hike in the woods was PERFECT. Exactly what the doctor ordered. Calm. Peaceful. Yet still a workout. My mental attitude improved with every step out there in mother nature. Amazing. When I do stuff like that I am reminded how much I love Oregon and am always shocked that I don’t do it more often. It was really perfect!
This is what I discovered from my walk. Somewhere around 1 ½ hours of intense terrain hiking I realized that I was in extraordinary physical shape. I don’t say this to gloat or brag but more as in oh my god, I am in awe. My husband was huffing and puffing and he has always been in good shape. He is a physically active kind of guy. I was so good to go it wasn’t even funny. I could have hiked for hours upon hours. I felt great. We ended up doing 2 hours 10 minutes of intense hiking and I burned 625 calories. But more importantly I had an amazing head clearing time. Nature is amazing! But the realization that I am an athlete was far more priceless. I am strong and in shape. My legs were not tired, they could climb and climb. I felt good. Those feel good endorphins came rushing back for sure.
I ended Sunday night feeling much better about things. Lots of things. Life things. Nothing is ever perfect and nothing helps when you find yourself in a funk. We all get those super depressive moments where life is not going the way you want or wish it would. Sometimes we just have to give in and be sad and pray tomorrow is a new day. I ate too much as a general rule this 4 day weekend. But that’s okay. I am right back on the straight and healthy today. Today is a new week. Today I can pick myself back up and get back on track. Today I have personal training which is going to kick my ass. I’m not dreading it as much as I did last week but I’m still nervous! Can’t escape that feeling. I am sure I will feel happy and strong and accomplished afterwards.
Personal training, then 2 classes at the gym and then I will be ready to go home!!! Glad I get a fresh start at it today. Hoping this week goes more smoothly than the last!
I had some personal stuff going on in my life that was obviously playing into all aspects of my life. It was a rough week and by the end of the week I was emotionally exhausted and drained. Friday night ended up being particularly painful. Wait, let me back up. Last I spoke, or wrote, it was Wednesday. So let me get in my little mental time machine and back pedal to what feels like forever ago.
Wednesday night after work I went straight to the gym for some good class time, oh a visit with the health girl at the gym to discuss food a little. That was actually quite interesting really. We discussed nutrition and of course in relation to me and my goals. Basically she told me that I should not be doing cardio. That clearly it was time to build muscle and get my foundation base down and the cardio was just sucking all the nutrients and muscle from my body. Which always leaves me feeling so conflicted. How can getting my heart rate up and running be bad for me???
Honestly by the end of Wednesday night I was exhausted. I have been going going non-stop like the energizer bunny to the gym and was tired. Thursday morning I woke up and decided it was time to weigh myself. Thursday AM has always been my weigh-in day. Since my Maui trip I only have scale hopped like 2 times at random times on the scale and did not entirely like what I saw. The previous Thursday I weighed myself and was freaked out. I actually say 144.6 on the scale. This upset me greatly and I was mad. I was fearing that all the strength training and building of muscle was obviously fucking with the numbers. But since I had not officially done a Thursday morning weigh in since Maui I decided to go with the number and weigh myself again this week to compare. As long as it stayed the same or went down I was going to be okay. Well, this Thursday my body shifted and I weighed 141.4. Ah, better. Pre Maui I was 141 pounds. I can entirely take 141.4 and live with that. As long as I’m between 140-145 I will be happy. 144.6 was just too close to 145 that’s all. So 141.4 and I have this extra muscle I’ve never seen before. Yup, I’ll take it.
Obviously in lite of the scale Thursday morning I was a happy girl. It was 4th of July and I decided despite days and days in a row of exercise that I needed to go to the gym to stay on track for the day. I managed about an hour workout and left. Mentally I just wasn’t there. I had a fine 4th of July. I ended up eating too much as I could have predicted but whatever. Friday morning I woke up fine. I did some errands and REALLY didn’t feel like working out. I dragged my ass to the gym Friday afternoon and again did about 60 minutes before I told myself to just leave. I can tell when my mental fatigue sets in because I just don’t want to do it anymore. I just don’t care. I was so drained from so much of what was occurring in my personal life that I went home and pretty much had a freak out Friday afternoon. About 4 PM I just lost it and unfortunately the entire freaking evening went as horribly as one could expect. I was in a deep dark little hole that I could not drag myself out of. Stuff was said and done that was highly regrettable. I was up very late in my dark state of tears and confusion. Mentally exhausted. I ended up finally going to bed and just wanted to sleep. By some miracle or insane force more likely Saturday morning I made myself get out of bed to hit at 9 AM Turbokick class. I told myself that if I went to 9 AM Turbokick that I could be done with exercise until Monday night. So despite my lack of sleep, I got up and went to Turbokick.
Which means that I went to the gym and did a lot of exercise for 8 days in a row. I could feel it. Mentally I felt it. Saturday though I did feel better. Whatever horrible place I was in Friday night I was able to kind of pull myself out of a little Saturday morning. I went to Saturday Market and walked around and got fresh produce and flowers and was outside and it was great. My Saturday was kind of relaxing which really helped things improve. But I did end up eating like crap again. Oh well. Baby steps.
Yesterday, after a good night’s sleep on Saturday I finally was starting to feel better. I decided that perhaps a nice hike in the woods was in order. Boy oh Boy, that hike in the woods was PERFECT. Exactly what the doctor ordered. Calm. Peaceful. Yet still a workout. My mental attitude improved with every step out there in mother nature. Amazing. When I do stuff like that I am reminded how much I love Oregon and am always shocked that I don’t do it more often. It was really perfect!
This is what I discovered from my walk. Somewhere around 1 ½ hours of intense terrain hiking I realized that I was in extraordinary physical shape. I don’t say this to gloat or brag but more as in oh my god, I am in awe. My husband was huffing and puffing and he has always been in good shape. He is a physically active kind of guy. I was so good to go it wasn’t even funny. I could have hiked for hours upon hours. I felt great. We ended up doing 2 hours 10 minutes of intense hiking and I burned 625 calories. But more importantly I had an amazing head clearing time. Nature is amazing! But the realization that I am an athlete was far more priceless. I am strong and in shape. My legs were not tired, they could climb and climb. I felt good. Those feel good endorphins came rushing back for sure.
I ended Sunday night feeling much better about things. Lots of things. Life things. Nothing is ever perfect and nothing helps when you find yourself in a funk. We all get those super depressive moments where life is not going the way you want or wish it would. Sometimes we just have to give in and be sad and pray tomorrow is a new day. I ate too much as a general rule this 4 day weekend. But that’s okay. I am right back on the straight and healthy today. Today is a new week. Today I can pick myself back up and get back on track. Today I have personal training which is going to kick my ass. I’m not dreading it as much as I did last week but I’m still nervous! Can’t escape that feeling. I am sure I will feel happy and strong and accomplished afterwards.
Personal training, then 2 classes at the gym and then I will be ready to go home!!! Glad I get a fresh start at it today. Hoping this week goes more smoothly than the last!
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
It's Friday, right???
So today is my Friday. Yippee Skippy!!! Needless to say I have been incredibly less than productive at work pretty much all day. Can we say worthless… Ha… But one of my bosses, (all 3 of them happen to be off today by the way so who really is the slacker?), sent me an email saying that there is a 3:30 PM job start meeting that I need to attend because he is gone. I loathe construction meetings because inevitably I am the ONLY girl and mixed among this sea of construction men I feel retarded because guess what I am ultimately just a secretary and don’t really know how to do masonry work so most of it is really lost of me. Whatever, I go to show my face and say I went and that’s about it. Of course that means after this construction meeting I am taking off for the day.
I set up an appointment at the gym with a personal trainer (not mine but another one who is big into nutrition) to kind of talk nutrition for a moment, and I set that up for 5 PM, given I don’t technically get off work until 5 PM I clearly have to leave early.
This is my night schedule:
5:00 PM: Nutrition Meeting
5:30 PM: Butts and Guts (30 min class)
6:00 PM: Cardio Conditioning (30 min class)
6:30 PM: Turbokick (30 min class)
After that I will be ridiculously spent because these are not easy classes. I knew I was going to have a nice long evening tonight so last night I really was less than productive at the gym. Ultimately I decided to not push myself and call it my rest night for sure. I rationalized that I worked out HARD Saturday, Sunday and Monday and deserved a little breather last night especially in light of the schedule tonight. And then I will exercise tomorrow morning because the gym is open, I don’t have any spectacular AM plans and basically I want to get in some solid healthy living pre- Fourth of July BBQ.
Since I have Friday off I will probably end up exercising again anyway, so really not working that hard last night was probably okay for me. I literally did like 45 minutes of weights, BARELY. I didn’t even sweat and since I just professed that I am a terrible disgusting sweater that lack of sweat = not working hard for me. Whatever.
So I just read a little quote that said, “It’s no longer about “skinny.” Now it’s all about “healthy”. I really liked that because this has got to become my new motto. I no longer just want to be skinny, I really want to be that healthy fit girl that people look at and go yeah, she’s in shape. At least I have to keep reminding myself of that because I have to focus this attention and energy on something other than the scale that does not want to move at all. I honestly believe that the scale could/should move more but it’s not so therefore I have to go with the concept that I am the healthiest I’ve ever been, I’ve been protein loading and helping to build the strong muscles that I have been talking about forever and therefore the scale can’t possibly be right.
I truly believe that. That scale cannot measure the muscle that I see in my arm and it certainly cannot measure the level of happiness and satisfaction I feel when I look in the mirror and see those muscles. That is priceless.
I am going to meet with this trainer because she is like this crazy food Nazi type who should be able to help me discuss what I should eat a little more to fuel my workouts and build my muscle mass. No, I’m not looking to be a muscle fitness girl, I just want to look healthy and strong while still being feminine and sexy you know. Nothing too much to ask for right, ha truly I think meeting with her is going to be awesome, she’s a great resource to have and I am all about the more knowledge you have the better.
Anyway, I’m pretty ready for the day to be done. About an hour until my “meeting” and then I’m out of here. Hell yes. Hope everyone has a fabulous 4th of July. Can’t believe it’s the 4th of July already. Crazy town!
I set up an appointment at the gym with a personal trainer (not mine but another one who is big into nutrition) to kind of talk nutrition for a moment, and I set that up for 5 PM, given I don’t technically get off work until 5 PM I clearly have to leave early.
This is my night schedule:
5:00 PM: Nutrition Meeting
5:30 PM: Butts and Guts (30 min class)
6:00 PM: Cardio Conditioning (30 min class)
6:30 PM: Turbokick (30 min class)
After that I will be ridiculously spent because these are not easy classes. I knew I was going to have a nice long evening tonight so last night I really was less than productive at the gym. Ultimately I decided to not push myself and call it my rest night for sure. I rationalized that I worked out HARD Saturday, Sunday and Monday and deserved a little breather last night especially in light of the schedule tonight. And then I will exercise tomorrow morning because the gym is open, I don’t have any spectacular AM plans and basically I want to get in some solid healthy living pre- Fourth of July BBQ.
Since I have Friday off I will probably end up exercising again anyway, so really not working that hard last night was probably okay for me. I literally did like 45 minutes of weights, BARELY. I didn’t even sweat and since I just professed that I am a terrible disgusting sweater that lack of sweat = not working hard for me. Whatever.
So I just read a little quote that said, “It’s no longer about “skinny.” Now it’s all about “healthy”. I really liked that because this has got to become my new motto. I no longer just want to be skinny, I really want to be that healthy fit girl that people look at and go yeah, she’s in shape. At least I have to keep reminding myself of that because I have to focus this attention and energy on something other than the scale that does not want to move at all. I honestly believe that the scale could/should move more but it’s not so therefore I have to go with the concept that I am the healthiest I’ve ever been, I’ve been protein loading and helping to build the strong muscles that I have been talking about forever and therefore the scale can’t possibly be right.
I truly believe that. That scale cannot measure the muscle that I see in my arm and it certainly cannot measure the level of happiness and satisfaction I feel when I look in the mirror and see those muscles. That is priceless.
I am going to meet with this trainer because she is like this crazy food Nazi type who should be able to help me discuss what I should eat a little more to fuel my workouts and build my muscle mass. No, I’m not looking to be a muscle fitness girl, I just want to look healthy and strong while still being feminine and sexy you know. Nothing too much to ask for right, ha truly I think meeting with her is going to be awesome, she’s a great resource to have and I am all about the more knowledge you have the better.
Anyway, I’m pretty ready for the day to be done. About an hour until my “meeting” and then I’m out of here. Hell yes. Hope everyone has a fabulous 4th of July. Can’t believe it’s the 4th of July already. Crazy town!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Hard and Exhilarating at once
A rare afternoon post which means while typing this out I am consuming a Monster Energy drink, my usual go to afternoon energy source. But for some reason today I am totally feeling it. Like on what has otherwise been a fairly shitty past 24 hours I am feeling strangely over energetic… ha… All I’m going to say is that while I am growing in lots of ways, my personal life is experiencing growing pains of its own. I made a decision quite some time ago that this time around I would not broadcast my relationships ups and downs on this site so I will honor that and simply say last night was a VERY rough night. As we all know every single human relationship or interaction requires 2 to Tango so no one is blameless. Enough said.
Instead let’s discuss my gym trip last night because that is what I am at liberty to discuss at ridiculously great lengths and in great detail on this site. Granted last night was only my second personal training session in like a million I bought. Ha. Technically I haven’t paid for them all yet because it’s a monthly deduct but whatever, I committed, I signed the legally binding contract so I guess those sessions are mine by law now. Anyway, point is it’s only the second one and thus far my general demeanor is to be scared and fearful. I am not sure that will ever change actually. I think it’s my personality. I am generally an anxious and nervous type person I guess. Maybe someday I will actually come to not be as fearful but I think that is highly unlikely. I like to people please way too much and I’m just always afraid I won’t do good enough.
Let me just sum up personal training in a few sentences. Hard. Exhilarating. I can’t believe you pay someone so much money to torture you so much. That is my general thoughts on it. Oh yeah, and ultimately I am completely in love with it. Wish I could remember that come next Monday. I am sure I won’t and will be back to dreading it.
I got to the gym at 5 or so and did a quick warm up 20 minute 2 mile run. Burned 200 calories. Excellent. Then it was training time. I like my trainer more and more each time we meet so that is nice as well. These were my observations from last night’s workout. I am one sweaty ass mess of an exerciser. I literally have sweat dripping from me non-stop. So much so that half-way thru Julie asked me, “Are you generally a big sweater?” She was checking to make sure I wasn’t like dying or something because I was literally leaving every piece of equipment I touched drenched. Pretty sick but also kind of cool. She said she really likes it when people sweat because it shows that I’m working. My heart rate really does amazingly jump pretty high and then plummet pretty quickly as well. The stuff I did last night was HARD. During it I am always like I love to hate this or I hate to love this. Take your pick at which it is. I loved every horrible awful minute of it. And a few of them were really rough going. Some of the stuff is obviously completely out of my normal wheel-house and therefore challenged me in all these ridiculous new ways. I suspect this is going to be how it is forever really. The moment I am not challenged and dripping sweat like an insanely large man is the day that personal training isn’t working anymore and I suspect that will be never. There’s always some way to make it more challenging and crazy and I’ve barely started.
Did I mention that after 30 minutes I was so ready to be done? Like I don’t think my body could have taken another minute of that intensive one on one stuff. I burned 300 calories which is pretty much my max of what I can burn. When I am full bore, which is what running does for me and my heart rate is engaged at its max, I burn about 100 calories in 10 minutes. We are talking max heart rate my friends. Typically only running really produces that for me which is probably why I love it so much. I rarely get that from any amount of strength stuff. Yup, 30 minutes, 300 calories from my personal training torture. It’s pretty intensive go, go for a full 30 minutes.
So my trainer looked at me last night and said, and I quote… “Do you have any idea how tiny you really are?” I kind of shook my head and shrugged. And she followed up by saying, “No seriously, I know you’ve lost weight a couple times so maybe you don’t realize that you are a tiny girl. Do you really know how small you look?” Since she was apparently asking me a real question I had to stop and think about a real answer and I said, “I guess not. I know I’m smaller than I once was, but I guess I don’t know.” I think she was working on some of the mental as well as the physical huh.
The thing is, I don’t see myself as tiny at all. I see so many women at that gym that I consider tiny and I’m not even in the same ball park. It’s funny because I honestly can look into the gym mirrors and see someone who is fat. I mean this woman, my trainer, is truly TINY. Like I swear she weighs 110 pounds, maybe 100. Tiny little thing. That’s tiny to me. I don’t hate myself or the woman I see in the mirror. I don’t. I don’t think I look huge or anything but I don’t see tiny. Period. I am just not built “tiny”. I have hips and I have curves. I have a shape that is womanly and I wouldn’t trade that for a size 100 frame. Honestly I wouldn’t. I want to be curvaceous. Just toned and sexy. Sexy is the word that comes to mind. Yup, I want someday to look at myself and see a sexy woman. Maybe those pin-up shots I’m going to take will help.
I can tell you that in the past two weeks that I have backed off from daily running and instead done more strength training I have seen a huge difference in my arms. I have muscles. I seriously kid you not have freaking arm muscles, something I have NEVER had. I guarantee they are not huge and hopefully will eventually grow and get more noticeable even when I’m not flexing. However, for 2 weeks’ worth of training I am quite thrilled with the progress. That alone makes what I’m doing worthwhile. Even if nothing else budges for me, I feel progress in 2 weeks and that is so cool. This is the shit that keeps me excited and motivated and focused on my get healthy goals!
After my training session I immediately went into a 6:00 PM, Cardio Sculpt class. Another hard one, 30 minutes, burned 200 calories and then immediately following that was 6:30 Turbo Kick, now this was intensive and I loved every single minute of it despite my growing exhaustion. Yes, 1.5 hours of continual non-stop activity and I was feeling tired. I burned another 300 calories making my total for the day 2 hours, 1000 calories. And I truly did feel amazing last night until I got home and had to deal with life. That’s probably why I like the gym so much, I can block out the rest of life sometimes and just focus on the endorphins and getting “high!” the natural way.
Tonight I am back to the gym, but it will be a lot less cardio tonight. I am cardio-d out. Ha Ha, something I never thought I’d say. Since I didn’t do any free weights or machines last night, I think that is what I will focus my time on tonight. I will burn less calories but I need a bit of a break since tomorrow night is another 1.5 hours’ worth of 3 classes in a row that I am looking forward to. Therefore I must rest tonight more.
For some reason it suddenly feels like the end of the week to me and not a Tuesday at all. My bosses are leaving tomorrow for a long weekend and I guess I just have to work tomorrow and then I have a four day weekend. Excellent! Tonight is easy night at the gym, tomorrow night is a nice 2 hour kick ass fest and then Thursday is the 4th of July, but I am thinking I will start the day with some gym time to get me high and hopefully keep me on track with my eating for the rest of the day. We will see. I don’t have any significant plans for Friday-Sunday; other than be healthy. Considering I just found out I don’t have to work Friday it’s not shocking I have no immediate plans.
For the record I truly don’t think I am or will ever be “tiny” but it’s a nice compliment coming from a tiny active trainer at a gym. I’ll take it. Eventually I think I just said thank you even if I didn’t fully believe it in my heart.
And one last note, despite the very rough night last night and issues that never go away, today is officially the 9 year anniversary of the day I met Chris. 9 whole years. Holy freaking cow.
Instead let’s discuss my gym trip last night because that is what I am at liberty to discuss at ridiculously great lengths and in great detail on this site. Granted last night was only my second personal training session in like a million I bought. Ha. Technically I haven’t paid for them all yet because it’s a monthly deduct but whatever, I committed, I signed the legally binding contract so I guess those sessions are mine by law now. Anyway, point is it’s only the second one and thus far my general demeanor is to be scared and fearful. I am not sure that will ever change actually. I think it’s my personality. I am generally an anxious and nervous type person I guess. Maybe someday I will actually come to not be as fearful but I think that is highly unlikely. I like to people please way too much and I’m just always afraid I won’t do good enough.
Let me just sum up personal training in a few sentences. Hard. Exhilarating. I can’t believe you pay someone so much money to torture you so much. That is my general thoughts on it. Oh yeah, and ultimately I am completely in love with it. Wish I could remember that come next Monday. I am sure I won’t and will be back to dreading it.
I got to the gym at 5 or so and did a quick warm up 20 minute 2 mile run. Burned 200 calories. Excellent. Then it was training time. I like my trainer more and more each time we meet so that is nice as well. These were my observations from last night’s workout. I am one sweaty ass mess of an exerciser. I literally have sweat dripping from me non-stop. So much so that half-way thru Julie asked me, “Are you generally a big sweater?” She was checking to make sure I wasn’t like dying or something because I was literally leaving every piece of equipment I touched drenched. Pretty sick but also kind of cool. She said she really likes it when people sweat because it shows that I’m working. My heart rate really does amazingly jump pretty high and then plummet pretty quickly as well. The stuff I did last night was HARD. During it I am always like I love to hate this or I hate to love this. Take your pick at which it is. I loved every horrible awful minute of it. And a few of them were really rough going. Some of the stuff is obviously completely out of my normal wheel-house and therefore challenged me in all these ridiculous new ways. I suspect this is going to be how it is forever really. The moment I am not challenged and dripping sweat like an insanely large man is the day that personal training isn’t working anymore and I suspect that will be never. There’s always some way to make it more challenging and crazy and I’ve barely started.
Did I mention that after 30 minutes I was so ready to be done? Like I don’t think my body could have taken another minute of that intensive one on one stuff. I burned 300 calories which is pretty much my max of what I can burn. When I am full bore, which is what running does for me and my heart rate is engaged at its max, I burn about 100 calories in 10 minutes. We are talking max heart rate my friends. Typically only running really produces that for me which is probably why I love it so much. I rarely get that from any amount of strength stuff. Yup, 30 minutes, 300 calories from my personal training torture. It’s pretty intensive go, go for a full 30 minutes.
So my trainer looked at me last night and said, and I quote… “Do you have any idea how tiny you really are?” I kind of shook my head and shrugged. And she followed up by saying, “No seriously, I know you’ve lost weight a couple times so maybe you don’t realize that you are a tiny girl. Do you really know how small you look?” Since she was apparently asking me a real question I had to stop and think about a real answer and I said, “I guess not. I know I’m smaller than I once was, but I guess I don’t know.” I think she was working on some of the mental as well as the physical huh.
The thing is, I don’t see myself as tiny at all. I see so many women at that gym that I consider tiny and I’m not even in the same ball park. It’s funny because I honestly can look into the gym mirrors and see someone who is fat. I mean this woman, my trainer, is truly TINY. Like I swear she weighs 110 pounds, maybe 100. Tiny little thing. That’s tiny to me. I don’t hate myself or the woman I see in the mirror. I don’t. I don’t think I look huge or anything but I don’t see tiny. Period. I am just not built “tiny”. I have hips and I have curves. I have a shape that is womanly and I wouldn’t trade that for a size 100 frame. Honestly I wouldn’t. I want to be curvaceous. Just toned and sexy. Sexy is the word that comes to mind. Yup, I want someday to look at myself and see a sexy woman. Maybe those pin-up shots I’m going to take will help.
I can tell you that in the past two weeks that I have backed off from daily running and instead done more strength training I have seen a huge difference in my arms. I have muscles. I seriously kid you not have freaking arm muscles, something I have NEVER had. I guarantee they are not huge and hopefully will eventually grow and get more noticeable even when I’m not flexing. However, for 2 weeks’ worth of training I am quite thrilled with the progress. That alone makes what I’m doing worthwhile. Even if nothing else budges for me, I feel progress in 2 weeks and that is so cool. This is the shit that keeps me excited and motivated and focused on my get healthy goals!
After my training session I immediately went into a 6:00 PM, Cardio Sculpt class. Another hard one, 30 minutes, burned 200 calories and then immediately following that was 6:30 Turbo Kick, now this was intensive and I loved every single minute of it despite my growing exhaustion. Yes, 1.5 hours of continual non-stop activity and I was feeling tired. I burned another 300 calories making my total for the day 2 hours, 1000 calories. And I truly did feel amazing last night until I got home and had to deal with life. That’s probably why I like the gym so much, I can block out the rest of life sometimes and just focus on the endorphins and getting “high!” the natural way.
Tonight I am back to the gym, but it will be a lot less cardio tonight. I am cardio-d out. Ha Ha, something I never thought I’d say. Since I didn’t do any free weights or machines last night, I think that is what I will focus my time on tonight. I will burn less calories but I need a bit of a break since tomorrow night is another 1.5 hours’ worth of 3 classes in a row that I am looking forward to. Therefore I must rest tonight more.
For some reason it suddenly feels like the end of the week to me and not a Tuesday at all. My bosses are leaving tomorrow for a long weekend and I guess I just have to work tomorrow and then I have a four day weekend. Excellent! Tonight is easy night at the gym, tomorrow night is a nice 2 hour kick ass fest and then Thursday is the 4th of July, but I am thinking I will start the day with some gym time to get me high and hopefully keep me on track with my eating for the rest of the day. We will see. I don’t have any significant plans for Friday-Sunday; other than be healthy. Considering I just found out I don’t have to work Friday it’s not shocking I have no immediate plans.
For the record I truly don’t think I am or will ever be “tiny” but it’s a nice compliment coming from a tiny active trainer at a gym. I’ll take it. Eventually I think I just said thank you even if I didn’t fully believe it in my heart.
And one last note, despite the very rough night last night and issues that never go away, today is officially the 9 year anniversary of the day I met Chris. 9 whole years. Holy freaking cow.
Monday, July 1, 2013
An Oregon weekend
Ok so today is obviously Monday. As if that actually needed saying. Ha. Normally we all know I am not a fan of Monday’s but at least this week we are cut off by a Thursday holiday. One of the many perks and/or questionable things about my job is I actually have no idea about Friday. I assume we have Thursday off but I have no clue if anyone plans on working Friday. I just kind of go with either no matter what happens. Nonetheless, Thursday is a given so that means 3 days and at least 1 day off.
Anyhow, this weekend was pretty much as close to health perfection as I am capable of getting. I say close because nothing is ever perfect and I’m not certain that one should strive for perfection; ultimately that just sets you up for failure with unrealistic expectations. Friday I ended up going out for Mexican food dinner with my husband. I did NOT order the margarita but in hindsight maybe I should have because despite being fairly conservative at dinner when I came home I decided it was okay to eat a bunch of shit. Now granted in the bigger picture it wasn’t awful but the old spoon in the Jif peanut butter jar woops you consumed at least 1/3 of a whole jar trick happened. Now I fully comprehend that peanut butter is not the worst thing in the world by a long shot so ultimately I did not beat myself up too much about that. Plus Friday was my cheat day anyway so if that was my worst treat than I’m totally cool with it.
Saturday morning I got up and went to my 9 AM kickboxing class which I later found out is actually officially called turbo kick so I guess it’s not kickboxing, not really sure. But anyhow I loved it. It’s amazing that after just 1 take at it, the second time I was so much better. I really enjoy the instructor and had a good time. I made my mom take the class too which is always more fun. After the class we did some free weights and some machine weights for a while and then finished up with 15 min on the stair climber. Over all I burned about 850 calories and felt good for the day.
After the workout we headed to Big Town Hero for a little sub sandwich for lunch and grabbed a Jamba Juice before heading out to a furniture store where we had a voucher for. We didn’t get anything and instead will have to go back to pick up $200 worth of product that we paid $49 for. Anyhow, nice day. But hot. I like the heat so I really am not complaining in the least. You hear me complain about the cold all the time but I would not really complain about the sun. I really enjoy it actually. My food was pretty great the rest of the day as well. Score.
Sunday morning I got up and got dressed in my workout clothes although I could not really make myself go to the gym immediately. I made egg whites and Canadian bacon for breakfast and had a nice up of coffee. Then I headed over to my mom’s for a while before we got a wild idea to go and pick berries. That is truly one of the amazing things about living in Oregon. Literally 10 minutes from my house is a u-pick farm. We got raspberries and cherries and it was cheap and delicious and quite honestly the perfect way to spend a sunny Oregon afternoon.
At this point it was about 3 PM and it was now really time for me to head to the gym. Sunday afternoon’s at the gym are like dead dead. At one point I counted and there were literally 7 people in the whole gym, including the 1 person who worked there. Since my weeks at the gym are filled with all the classes I rarely have the dedicated time or energy for a long run so I decided that yesterday was a perfect day to set my sites on a nice longer run. I won’t even say it’s a “long” run because I’ve done longer and I am certain could do longer but I did also want to do weights so I just wanted to make sure I can still run a solid hour without stopping. I have spent so much of my last 8 months running 5 days a week for an hour at a time. It’s been a strange shift for me to give up that much running. I love running so much that I don’t ever want to be not be able to do what I know in my heart I can do. Basically once a week I have to test myself and make sure I am still capable of an hour run or else I am going to back off the weights and put more energy on the run because it is that important to me.
Anyway, the treadmill area was completely dead. I was the only one which was kind of nice I guess. Just competing against myself, the way it should be. I put the treadmill at 6.0 and started running. I was clipping along at a very comfortable pace and knew I was “feeling it”. Actually I am not going to lie it felt so fucking amazing that I swear to you at about 12 minutes I almost teared up. I almost had real tears dripping down my eyes because I was so happy. In that moment, running at 6.0, feeling alive and amazing and knowing ah yes, you are a runner. Emily, you’re an athlete. Look what you can do. Look what you’ve been able to accomplish in the last 9 months. My mind jetted back to those first few weeks on the treadmill where I was dying at 20 minutes walking at a 4 speed. In that moment I somehow grasped the magnitude of changing one’s life. It was complete and utter happiness just to run. I cannot explain in words how crazy good it felt. I just wanted to run my 60 minutes and move on. I ended up doing 61 minutes 7 seconds and completing 6.2 miles. The high afterwards is priceless.
I then spent the next 45 minutes walking around the empty gym on weights on machines and free weights. In the end I burned 1000 calories for the day. I ate pretty dang good yesterday as well. All things considered not a bad day at all.
Now I want to talk about Quest Bar’s. I talked about them last week and said I was ordering some. I ended up getting a variety pack that included all 12 of the different flavors of bars they sell. Thus far I have eaten 6 different flavors of bars and each one of them was AMAZING!!! I am completely in love with them. They are more natural or organic than other protein bars and have a high amount of fiber in addition to 20 grams of fiber plus they just taste great. I am certain I completely have a new addiction.
These are the flavors I have tried thus far:
Chocolate Peanut Butter
Apple Pie
Cinnamon Roll
Mixed Berry Bliss
Coconut Cashew
Peanut Butter Supreme
Still to try:
Lemon Cream Pie
Chocolate Brownie
Strawberry Cheesecake
Peanut Butter & Jelly
Banana Nut Muffin
Vanilla Almond Crunch
Of the 6 flavors I have had I can honestly say that I would eat any of them again. I have a particular love of coconut and cashews so that is probably my favorite but the peanut butter is too die for and the chocolate peanut butter tastes like a Reece’s peanut butter cup. Cinnamon Roll is pretty tasty as well. See, now I just named 4 out of the 6. If you love apple pie it truly does taste like a piece of apple pie. I will let you know how the other flavors pan out as well.
Here is a link to the sampler pack that includes 1 each of all 12 kinds of bars http://www.questproteinbar.com/store/pc/viewPrd.asp?idproduct=51&idcategory=2
Seriously SOOO good. I am going to be a lifelong customer I am sure. I want to eat thru all the varieties and then pick my favorites and order boxes of them. That ridiculously good.
Anyway, tonight is my personal training session at the gym. Funny how I get all nervous and scared right now and am afraid but I am sure I will love it and feel amazing after I’m done with it! Anyway, that’s about it for the day. Time to go out and get some work done.
Anyhow, this weekend was pretty much as close to health perfection as I am capable of getting. I say close because nothing is ever perfect and I’m not certain that one should strive for perfection; ultimately that just sets you up for failure with unrealistic expectations. Friday I ended up going out for Mexican food dinner with my husband. I did NOT order the margarita but in hindsight maybe I should have because despite being fairly conservative at dinner when I came home I decided it was okay to eat a bunch of shit. Now granted in the bigger picture it wasn’t awful but the old spoon in the Jif peanut butter jar woops you consumed at least 1/3 of a whole jar trick happened. Now I fully comprehend that peanut butter is not the worst thing in the world by a long shot so ultimately I did not beat myself up too much about that. Plus Friday was my cheat day anyway so if that was my worst treat than I’m totally cool with it.
Saturday morning I got up and went to my 9 AM kickboxing class which I later found out is actually officially called turbo kick so I guess it’s not kickboxing, not really sure. But anyhow I loved it. It’s amazing that after just 1 take at it, the second time I was so much better. I really enjoy the instructor and had a good time. I made my mom take the class too which is always more fun. After the class we did some free weights and some machine weights for a while and then finished up with 15 min on the stair climber. Over all I burned about 850 calories and felt good for the day.
After the workout we headed to Big Town Hero for a little sub sandwich for lunch and grabbed a Jamba Juice before heading out to a furniture store where we had a voucher for. We didn’t get anything and instead will have to go back to pick up $200 worth of product that we paid $49 for. Anyhow, nice day. But hot. I like the heat so I really am not complaining in the least. You hear me complain about the cold all the time but I would not really complain about the sun. I really enjoy it actually. My food was pretty great the rest of the day as well. Score.
Sunday morning I got up and got dressed in my workout clothes although I could not really make myself go to the gym immediately. I made egg whites and Canadian bacon for breakfast and had a nice up of coffee. Then I headed over to my mom’s for a while before we got a wild idea to go and pick berries. That is truly one of the amazing things about living in Oregon. Literally 10 minutes from my house is a u-pick farm. We got raspberries and cherries and it was cheap and delicious and quite honestly the perfect way to spend a sunny Oregon afternoon.
At this point it was about 3 PM and it was now really time for me to head to the gym. Sunday afternoon’s at the gym are like dead dead. At one point I counted and there were literally 7 people in the whole gym, including the 1 person who worked there. Since my weeks at the gym are filled with all the classes I rarely have the dedicated time or energy for a long run so I decided that yesterday was a perfect day to set my sites on a nice longer run. I won’t even say it’s a “long” run because I’ve done longer and I am certain could do longer but I did also want to do weights so I just wanted to make sure I can still run a solid hour without stopping. I have spent so much of my last 8 months running 5 days a week for an hour at a time. It’s been a strange shift for me to give up that much running. I love running so much that I don’t ever want to be not be able to do what I know in my heart I can do. Basically once a week I have to test myself and make sure I am still capable of an hour run or else I am going to back off the weights and put more energy on the run because it is that important to me.
Anyway, the treadmill area was completely dead. I was the only one which was kind of nice I guess. Just competing against myself, the way it should be. I put the treadmill at 6.0 and started running. I was clipping along at a very comfortable pace and knew I was “feeling it”. Actually I am not going to lie it felt so fucking amazing that I swear to you at about 12 minutes I almost teared up. I almost had real tears dripping down my eyes because I was so happy. In that moment, running at 6.0, feeling alive and amazing and knowing ah yes, you are a runner. Emily, you’re an athlete. Look what you can do. Look what you’ve been able to accomplish in the last 9 months. My mind jetted back to those first few weeks on the treadmill where I was dying at 20 minutes walking at a 4 speed. In that moment I somehow grasped the magnitude of changing one’s life. It was complete and utter happiness just to run. I cannot explain in words how crazy good it felt. I just wanted to run my 60 minutes and move on. I ended up doing 61 minutes 7 seconds and completing 6.2 miles. The high afterwards is priceless.
I then spent the next 45 minutes walking around the empty gym on weights on machines and free weights. In the end I burned 1000 calories for the day. I ate pretty dang good yesterday as well. All things considered not a bad day at all.
Now I want to talk about Quest Bar’s. I talked about them last week and said I was ordering some. I ended up getting a variety pack that included all 12 of the different flavors of bars they sell. Thus far I have eaten 6 different flavors of bars and each one of them was AMAZING!!! I am completely in love with them. They are more natural or organic than other protein bars and have a high amount of fiber in addition to 20 grams of fiber plus they just taste great. I am certain I completely have a new addiction.
These are the flavors I have tried thus far:
Chocolate Peanut Butter
Apple Pie
Cinnamon Roll
Mixed Berry Bliss
Coconut Cashew
Peanut Butter Supreme
Still to try:
Lemon Cream Pie
Chocolate Brownie
Strawberry Cheesecake
Peanut Butter & Jelly
Banana Nut Muffin
Vanilla Almond Crunch
Of the 6 flavors I have had I can honestly say that I would eat any of them again. I have a particular love of coconut and cashews so that is probably my favorite but the peanut butter is too die for and the chocolate peanut butter tastes like a Reece’s peanut butter cup. Cinnamon Roll is pretty tasty as well. See, now I just named 4 out of the 6. If you love apple pie it truly does taste like a piece of apple pie. I will let you know how the other flavors pan out as well.
Here is a link to the sampler pack that includes 1 each of all 12 kinds of bars http://www.questproteinbar.com/store/pc/viewPrd.asp?idproduct=51&idcategory=2
Seriously SOOO good. I am going to be a lifelong customer I am sure. I want to eat thru all the varieties and then pick my favorites and order boxes of them. That ridiculously good.
Anyway, tonight is my personal training session at the gym. Funny how I get all nervous and scared right now and am afraid but I am sure I will love it and feel amazing after I’m done with it! Anyway, that’s about it for the day. Time to go out and get some work done.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Workout Wear
Holy cow somehow this day just flew right by me. It is now 2:30 PM and I am just writing out this post. Mostly because I’ve spent the last couple hours running errands around town like a chicken with my head cut off. Love those days, but alas, I am comfortably planted in my office chair awaiting a phone call from my boss for some billing amounts to do month end invoicing. Yup, sometimes I do work. Alas, without the amounts we need to bill I am at a standstill, for the moment.
Tonight is my rest day from exercise and I am certain my body is in much need of it, especially because I have every intention and therefore WILL go to the gym tomorrow morning at 9 AM for kickboxing. I am certain that pushing my legs further tonight would not be in order. I mean last night, despite being incredibly tired already, I made myself do a 30 minute butts and guts class which was less painful than the previous night but still pushed the limits of those guts. And then following that I ran for 45 minutes, a nice 4.5 mile run. Decent enough and exhausting really. So four days in a row of four major workouts and I am just physically spent. Tonight is rest, although the actual reality of having Friday be my rest day might not be the smartest thing in the world. Friday night already almost always produces an “Eh… it’s the weekend and I don’t care.” Kind of attitude for me. At least if I were exercising I’d have that high to steer me away from the bad foods, but whatever. I need a rest day and I will once again test my resolve in avoiding the foods that I should not binge on. Easier said than done. Last Friday night was a candy binge-fest which did result in me declaring an emergency removal of the candy drawer. I have had this giant candy drawer for years in my house. For the most part I just don’t even touch it. Really I kind of forget of its existence. But when I remember and my brain is in candy sugar mode, one piece will just not be enough. And its pure existence in the house means I’m in trouble. I do great at avoiding a candy binge when it’s not so readily available to me.
Anyhow; the candy drawer is gone. Not that there aren’t plenty of other triggers in the house to binge on. Hello Hint of Lime Tostados that I keep buying because you are so delicious and yet so binge-inducing. But whatever, we have to temper all this with I eat clean and healthy like 80% of the time so if I have a few indulgences from time to time it’s not the end of the world. Plus the truth is I think it’s quite possible that tonight will include Friday night date night which means we are going to a restaurant and healthy food won’t be on the agenda. Sure, sure I won’t order the worst thing on the menu I’m sure, but by nature restaurants are just not healthy. But a girl has to live a little to enjoy life. For serious!
Anyhow, I’m not stressing about a bad day, especially since I have a gut feeling that I can keep tomorrow pretty damned clean in my eating so some indulgences tonight would be fine. Plus tonight I get a package delivered; okay it’s already been delivered actually waiting for me at home, with some Quest Nutrition bars in it. Super excited for that. We’ve all figured it out by now, that when I do something I go full force with it. Full speed ahead as they say. One of my best and worst traits all wrapped up into one really.
It’s actually quite funny to me that I sit here and write all this stuff about me and my life every day and I do have those moments of like, “why the hell do I do this?” Who wants to read about my boring day or my need to buy a quest nutrition bar…. And then I think it’s quite possible no one actually is reading this. Okay, I know a couple of you read it and I love you for it. But overall I am one long winded girl. I think in real life I don’t chat this much, unless you really know me. I chat this much with people I am really close too, other than that I don’t say much at all.
That whole social anxiety thing I talk about, or the fears and insecurities I have at the gym, yeah, that transfers to all aspects of my life. I don’t actually talk to anyone at the gym. It’s very hard for me to actually be outgoing. I keep thinking that I really need to try and open my mouth. I am not a bad person and people probably won’t look at me funny if I make polite conversation. If only I could get out of my own damned head for a moment and realize they aren’t checking me out and judging me nearly as much as I think they are. In fact, I am almost certain most people are not assessing me as much as I assess every situation.
So anyhow in the vein of just discussing things I love. I want to tell you all, if you are interested, and most of you are probably not, but whatever anyway… Victoria Secret is having an online sale right now that is pretty awesome. I say this because I am totally obsessed with them and their workout clothes in particular actually. Basically I have discussed before how my boobs are completely deflated saggy things and the only semblance of help they get is a Victoria Secret bra. Anyhow, it took me a while to realize that in order to love the way I look while exercising or feel comfortable or confident at the gym that this would probably hold true for workout bras. And then I bought an expensive workout bra. I do mean they are stupidly Victoria Secret Bra kind of expensive, but boy oh boy are they awesome. It’s like once you know how amazing something can be, you can never go back you know.
Anyway, I am going to bring up this point just so anyone knows, Victoria Secret does sell all of their clothes in sizes XS-XL, and yes, I wore tons of VS clothes when I was 220 pounds, including their workout gear so that should not be an issue. The reason I am bringing this up now is because right now until the 30th, like 2 more days they are having two coupon codes that coincide with each other making a great deal, one is for an additional 20% off clearance stuff and one is for free shipping and handling off a $25 purchase. All of this happens to go with their big semi-annual clearance sale as well. So well stock is getting more limited and sizes are running out they do have some of the workout stuff on clearance and with those prices it would be a great time to try some of it for less than the sticker shocking full price that I have paid before. Yuck.
I am nothing if not a contradiction. I coupon my ass off and won’t pay for toiletries in life so that I can afford my beloved Toms shoes, Coach Purses, Expensive makeup (Too Faced, Philosophy, Urban Decay), and of course my all things Victoria Secret.
In case anyone is wondering the shipping code is SHIPSEMI which is listed on the front of their website really, and the extra 20% off is FASHION20, also listed there…. But these are some of my picks…
This is for clearance Yoga and loungewear as they call it, but I adore and workout in the yoga legging all the time. Like amazing. I prefer crop Capri’s but they have full length pants. I also like leggings because they are tight fitted at the bottom but they have pants that have more give. Whatever floats your boat I guess? But they have some clearance for $19.99 so with an extra 20% that is like $16 a pair. Let me say these are normally 2 for $55 and I buy them at this price all the time so $16 each is a GREAT price.
http://www.victoriassecret.com/clothing/clear-ance#filtered
Then we move to their Sport line of clothes where things start to get REALLY stupid expensive. Any workout pant in this line is crazy good, but crazy priced. Regularly like $65 a pair. They are clearance between $30-$40 so an additional 20% means like $24-32 for a pair and honestly these are quite worth that price. And then we have the sports bras. These are the ONLY way to go. Anything in the Angel, Incredible, Runway or Showstopper is an amazing sports bra. Actually pushes up the girls to the appropriate level and keeps them secure while I run. I would not go any other way on the sports bras. They are pretty true to size in terms of whatever bra size you are. Although in cup sizes sometimes I go down a little because I want them tight and firm and not giggly as I run. The sports bras are an awesome price on clearance. The angel sports bra which I LOVEEEEE is $24.99 instead of $46.50 which I totally have and will pay that price for, so with 20% off it’s a whopping like $20…. Great way to try some of them. And the Y-back training tanks are pretty awesome too. Just thought I’d throw that out there.
http://www.victoriassecret.com/victorias-secret-sport/sport-clear-ance
Anyhow, that is my advertisement for the day I guess. I am kind of an addict and would highly recommend any of these and in case you want to see me rocking some of these clothes, I ususally post daily pictures of my workout outfits on twitter… just look at the tab above under twitter feed….
But if I’ve ever learned anything it’s that what works for someone might not necessarily work for the next person as we are all so different. All this talk of cute workout clothes and shopping and the great deals makes me want to go place another order. Ha. So with that said enjoy your Friday nights everyone and have a great weekend. I fully intend to!
Tonight is my rest day from exercise and I am certain my body is in much need of it, especially because I have every intention and therefore WILL go to the gym tomorrow morning at 9 AM for kickboxing. I am certain that pushing my legs further tonight would not be in order. I mean last night, despite being incredibly tired already, I made myself do a 30 minute butts and guts class which was less painful than the previous night but still pushed the limits of those guts. And then following that I ran for 45 minutes, a nice 4.5 mile run. Decent enough and exhausting really. So four days in a row of four major workouts and I am just physically spent. Tonight is rest, although the actual reality of having Friday be my rest day might not be the smartest thing in the world. Friday night already almost always produces an “Eh… it’s the weekend and I don’t care.” Kind of attitude for me. At least if I were exercising I’d have that high to steer me away from the bad foods, but whatever. I need a rest day and I will once again test my resolve in avoiding the foods that I should not binge on. Easier said than done. Last Friday night was a candy binge-fest which did result in me declaring an emergency removal of the candy drawer. I have had this giant candy drawer for years in my house. For the most part I just don’t even touch it. Really I kind of forget of its existence. But when I remember and my brain is in candy sugar mode, one piece will just not be enough. And its pure existence in the house means I’m in trouble. I do great at avoiding a candy binge when it’s not so readily available to me.
Anyhow; the candy drawer is gone. Not that there aren’t plenty of other triggers in the house to binge on. Hello Hint of Lime Tostados that I keep buying because you are so delicious and yet so binge-inducing. But whatever, we have to temper all this with I eat clean and healthy like 80% of the time so if I have a few indulgences from time to time it’s not the end of the world. Plus the truth is I think it’s quite possible that tonight will include Friday night date night which means we are going to a restaurant and healthy food won’t be on the agenda. Sure, sure I won’t order the worst thing on the menu I’m sure, but by nature restaurants are just not healthy. But a girl has to live a little to enjoy life. For serious!
Anyhow, I’m not stressing about a bad day, especially since I have a gut feeling that I can keep tomorrow pretty damned clean in my eating so some indulgences tonight would be fine. Plus tonight I get a package delivered; okay it’s already been delivered actually waiting for me at home, with some Quest Nutrition bars in it. Super excited for that. We’ve all figured it out by now, that when I do something I go full force with it. Full speed ahead as they say. One of my best and worst traits all wrapped up into one really.
It’s actually quite funny to me that I sit here and write all this stuff about me and my life every day and I do have those moments of like, “why the hell do I do this?” Who wants to read about my boring day or my need to buy a quest nutrition bar…. And then I think it’s quite possible no one actually is reading this. Okay, I know a couple of you read it and I love you for it. But overall I am one long winded girl. I think in real life I don’t chat this much, unless you really know me. I chat this much with people I am really close too, other than that I don’t say much at all.
That whole social anxiety thing I talk about, or the fears and insecurities I have at the gym, yeah, that transfers to all aspects of my life. I don’t actually talk to anyone at the gym. It’s very hard for me to actually be outgoing. I keep thinking that I really need to try and open my mouth. I am not a bad person and people probably won’t look at me funny if I make polite conversation. If only I could get out of my own damned head for a moment and realize they aren’t checking me out and judging me nearly as much as I think they are. In fact, I am almost certain most people are not assessing me as much as I assess every situation.
So anyhow in the vein of just discussing things I love. I want to tell you all, if you are interested, and most of you are probably not, but whatever anyway… Victoria Secret is having an online sale right now that is pretty awesome. I say this because I am totally obsessed with them and their workout clothes in particular actually. Basically I have discussed before how my boobs are completely deflated saggy things and the only semblance of help they get is a Victoria Secret bra. Anyhow, it took me a while to realize that in order to love the way I look while exercising or feel comfortable or confident at the gym that this would probably hold true for workout bras. And then I bought an expensive workout bra. I do mean they are stupidly Victoria Secret Bra kind of expensive, but boy oh boy are they awesome. It’s like once you know how amazing something can be, you can never go back you know.
Anyway, I am going to bring up this point just so anyone knows, Victoria Secret does sell all of their clothes in sizes XS-XL, and yes, I wore tons of VS clothes when I was 220 pounds, including their workout gear so that should not be an issue. The reason I am bringing this up now is because right now until the 30th, like 2 more days they are having two coupon codes that coincide with each other making a great deal, one is for an additional 20% off clearance stuff and one is for free shipping and handling off a $25 purchase. All of this happens to go with their big semi-annual clearance sale as well. So well stock is getting more limited and sizes are running out they do have some of the workout stuff on clearance and with those prices it would be a great time to try some of it for less than the sticker shocking full price that I have paid before. Yuck.
I am nothing if not a contradiction. I coupon my ass off and won’t pay for toiletries in life so that I can afford my beloved Toms shoes, Coach Purses, Expensive makeup (Too Faced, Philosophy, Urban Decay), and of course my all things Victoria Secret.
In case anyone is wondering the shipping code is SHIPSEMI which is listed on the front of their website really, and the extra 20% off is FASHION20, also listed there…. But these are some of my picks…
This is for clearance Yoga and loungewear as they call it, but I adore and workout in the yoga legging all the time. Like amazing. I prefer crop Capri’s but they have full length pants. I also like leggings because they are tight fitted at the bottom but they have pants that have more give. Whatever floats your boat I guess? But they have some clearance for $19.99 so with an extra 20% that is like $16 a pair. Let me say these are normally 2 for $55 and I buy them at this price all the time so $16 each is a GREAT price.
http://www.victoriassecret.com/clothing/clear-ance#filtered
Then we move to their Sport line of clothes where things start to get REALLY stupid expensive. Any workout pant in this line is crazy good, but crazy priced. Regularly like $65 a pair. They are clearance between $30-$40 so an additional 20% means like $24-32 for a pair and honestly these are quite worth that price. And then we have the sports bras. These are the ONLY way to go. Anything in the Angel, Incredible, Runway or Showstopper is an amazing sports bra. Actually pushes up the girls to the appropriate level and keeps them secure while I run. I would not go any other way on the sports bras. They are pretty true to size in terms of whatever bra size you are. Although in cup sizes sometimes I go down a little because I want them tight and firm and not giggly as I run. The sports bras are an awesome price on clearance. The angel sports bra which I LOVEEEEE is $24.99 instead of $46.50 which I totally have and will pay that price for, so with 20% off it’s a whopping like $20…. Great way to try some of them. And the Y-back training tanks are pretty awesome too. Just thought I’d throw that out there.
http://www.victoriassecret.com/victorias-secret-sport/sport-clear-ance
Anyhow, that is my advertisement for the day I guess. I am kind of an addict and would highly recommend any of these and in case you want to see me rocking some of these clothes, I ususally post daily pictures of my workout outfits on twitter… just look at the tab above under twitter feed….
But if I’ve ever learned anything it’s that what works for someone might not necessarily work for the next person as we are all so different. All this talk of cute workout clothes and shopping and the great deals makes me want to go place another order. Ha. So with that said enjoy your Friday nights everyone and have a great weekend. I fully intend to!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Future Pin-Up Girl
Well hello there Thursday. I like you because we are one day closer to the much desirable weekend. I actually have a love/hate relationship with my weekends. So much love for the obvious reasons but some hate because I am never as good and healthy as I am during the week. Oh well; still wouldn’t trade it. I am slightly disappointed because those pesky weathermen said it would be 81 degrees today and thus far I only see clouds outside. No rain yet but no sun either. I swear my forecast does call for 90’s from here on out but I’m simply being impatient and want it NOW! Funny how I can totally live with the 90 heat because it’s not rain. I am most ready for it!!!
Anyhow. Let me recap my last night. I was so sore yesterday. I think more sore than I realized as the day progressed my entire core was just tight. There is really no way to describe it other than this overall it’s too small for my body kind of tight. It hurt to move. Seriously. But I went ahead and went to the gym for (3) 30 minute classes. I like Wednesday night classes and since my legs and arms weren’t sore I figured I could do most things; just NOT CORE. Well, there is always going to be core work I guess. I managed all right. First was dumbbell fit which obviously uses dumbbells to do strength training. Good stuff. This class was pretty good with the sore factor. I worked thru it. Then it was Cardio strength. This was much more cardio and somehow they were wanting lots of planks and sit-ups which I just couldn’t do. The pain was too much. Ah well. Finally it was Iron Power. I got to use the big weight bar and do more arm work. I loved it.
After my 1.5 hours of classes I was pretty much too exhausted to do anything else. I burned a round 500 calories and decided that given my state of sore and general lack of motivation it was good enough and I went home. I proceeded to eat as clean as possible to properly fuel my body from all the tearing down and breaking of my muscles. I know sore obviously means I worked my muscles and they are rebuilding themselves a little bit bigger and stronger and obviously I need to help them grow with the right foods. Thank goodness I actually love how healthy food makes me feel. And I can mostly manage to eat pretty clean for 5 days a week. Challenges set in on weekends but some of them are good too :)
This Saturday I will once again be hitting the gym for 9 AM kickboxing and then some other work. Saturday afternoon my mom and I have to run to a furniture store to use a group we bought ages ago that expires in July. Hopefully I can manage good clean healthy eating.
I’m not going to lie, all this muscle building not only leaves me tired but it sometimes leaves me feeling a little fat. Like I know my body is breaking itself down to rebuilt the new bionic version of me but in doing so I am sure I am retaining water like a fiend and of course I’m so afraid of the scale. Stupid scale, why do you have so much power when you are so useless??? I know building muscle and killing it physically is the overall goal so I should just embrace it and all the extra food and protein I’m consuming.
Speaking of protein consumption, I am excited to try these new Quest Nutrition bars that previous Biggest Loser contestants seem to glowingly recommend. Yesterday I even tweeted Olivia and Courtney from Biggest Loser Season 11 and asked what flavors they recommended and they both responded back. Love that! It feeds my pseudo obsession with stalking previous BL contestants. Anyhow turns out if you email the company, Quest Nutrition they are kind enough to send you 2 free bars as a sample. I emailed them and within in hour they responded to me asking me which 2 flavors I would like to try and for my address and then in another hour I had a shipping confirmation for 2 free bars. Got to love that. So I am throwing a shout out to them right here, right now. I don’t know if they are any good yet. We will see right. I will definitely let you know the moment I try them and of course which flavors I’m digging. But in the meantime, since they are giving free bars as samples I say get them!
Email to: support@questnutrition.com
Website: http://www.questproteinbar.com/
These bars are appealing to me because they have 20 grams of protein AND they have like 15 grams of fiber. They are still 5 ww points for anyone who cares but if I am eating 5 ww points like I have been with some of the bars I’ve ate lately at least these have so much good stuff to fill you up and they are slightly more natural. They say junk free snack but the ingredients aren’t bad all things considered. Again, I have not actually ate one yet so I don’t know on taste but they have amazing sounding flavors out there and again according to past BL contestants they truly are amazing. So I’m excited.
Oh, guys, this is what I’m up to. Yesterday I went ahead and bought this groupon:
http://www.groupon.com/deals/pixie-s-pin-ups-photography-1?utm_campaign=UserReferral&utm_medium=ApiV2&utm_source=uu30502763
Well, I actually bought it directly from the photographer since on her Facebook page she was offering additional photos and an outfit change if you bought directly with her. For those of you who did not follow the link above, it’s a photo session for basically sexy photos or pin-up photos. Yup, this girl is going to get some skanky photos. Ha. She sounds really nice actually as I chatted with her on the phone for a while. They are classy photos. Anyone who wants to see the photos can check out her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/PixiesPinups?fref=ts Anyhow; my appointment is tentatively set for August 11. So yes, I have a new goal in mind. Kick ass at the gym for the next 6 weeks so that I will look amazing in my sexy glamour type shots. I’ve got 6 weeks to build these little muscles up and then strut around in sexy pin-up clothing and get my picture taken. I kind of have always wanted to do this but honestly had no idea there was a place in the same town where I live that did this and it is super affordable. So much so that if I love it, which I kind of think I will because I’m vain and narcissistic that way, I could totally see myself doing thing again later. I think this is an awesome treat for a woman. Plus I love that most of her pictures are like true curvaceous women, not just stick thin girls.
So this morning my husband was kissing me good-bye and was like, you are looking so good. Sometimes I look at you and can’t believe you are my wife. You are hot. Awwhh… that is like the best compliment. That if he didn’t know me and he saw me he’d be very attracted to me. I know we’ve been together for 9 years and all but it’s still nice to hear from time to time you know. Then I promptly made him feel my arm muscle that is growing cause that’s just how I roll. I mean who really takes compliments in person all that well??? Not this girl for sure.
So I guess I’m saying don’t be surprised if in 6 weeks I have some awesome photos that I end up sharing. I don’t think they are going to be too bad so of course I might share some of them. Anyway, guess that’s about all for me today. Got to get back to some work and get a healthy snack.
Anyhow. Let me recap my last night. I was so sore yesterday. I think more sore than I realized as the day progressed my entire core was just tight. There is really no way to describe it other than this overall it’s too small for my body kind of tight. It hurt to move. Seriously. But I went ahead and went to the gym for (3) 30 minute classes. I like Wednesday night classes and since my legs and arms weren’t sore I figured I could do most things; just NOT CORE. Well, there is always going to be core work I guess. I managed all right. First was dumbbell fit which obviously uses dumbbells to do strength training. Good stuff. This class was pretty good with the sore factor. I worked thru it. Then it was Cardio strength. This was much more cardio and somehow they were wanting lots of planks and sit-ups which I just couldn’t do. The pain was too much. Ah well. Finally it was Iron Power. I got to use the big weight bar and do more arm work. I loved it.
After my 1.5 hours of classes I was pretty much too exhausted to do anything else. I burned a round 500 calories and decided that given my state of sore and general lack of motivation it was good enough and I went home. I proceeded to eat as clean as possible to properly fuel my body from all the tearing down and breaking of my muscles. I know sore obviously means I worked my muscles and they are rebuilding themselves a little bit bigger and stronger and obviously I need to help them grow with the right foods. Thank goodness I actually love how healthy food makes me feel. And I can mostly manage to eat pretty clean for 5 days a week. Challenges set in on weekends but some of them are good too :)
This Saturday I will once again be hitting the gym for 9 AM kickboxing and then some other work. Saturday afternoon my mom and I have to run to a furniture store to use a group we bought ages ago that expires in July. Hopefully I can manage good clean healthy eating.
I’m not going to lie, all this muscle building not only leaves me tired but it sometimes leaves me feeling a little fat. Like I know my body is breaking itself down to rebuilt the new bionic version of me but in doing so I am sure I am retaining water like a fiend and of course I’m so afraid of the scale. Stupid scale, why do you have so much power when you are so useless??? I know building muscle and killing it physically is the overall goal so I should just embrace it and all the extra food and protein I’m consuming.
Speaking of protein consumption, I am excited to try these new Quest Nutrition bars that previous Biggest Loser contestants seem to glowingly recommend. Yesterday I even tweeted Olivia and Courtney from Biggest Loser Season 11 and asked what flavors they recommended and they both responded back. Love that! It feeds my pseudo obsession with stalking previous BL contestants. Anyhow turns out if you email the company, Quest Nutrition they are kind enough to send you 2 free bars as a sample. I emailed them and within in hour they responded to me asking me which 2 flavors I would like to try and for my address and then in another hour I had a shipping confirmation for 2 free bars. Got to love that. So I am throwing a shout out to them right here, right now. I don’t know if they are any good yet. We will see right. I will definitely let you know the moment I try them and of course which flavors I’m digging. But in the meantime, since they are giving free bars as samples I say get them!
Email to: support@questnutrition.com
Website: http://www.questproteinbar.com/
These bars are appealing to me because they have 20 grams of protein AND they have like 15 grams of fiber. They are still 5 ww points for anyone who cares but if I am eating 5 ww points like I have been with some of the bars I’ve ate lately at least these have so much good stuff to fill you up and they are slightly more natural. They say junk free snack but the ingredients aren’t bad all things considered. Again, I have not actually ate one yet so I don’t know on taste but they have amazing sounding flavors out there and again according to past BL contestants they truly are amazing. So I’m excited.
Oh, guys, this is what I’m up to. Yesterday I went ahead and bought this groupon:
http://www.groupon.com/deals/pixie-s-pin-ups-photography-1?utm_campaign=UserReferral&utm_medium=ApiV2&utm_source=uu30502763
Well, I actually bought it directly from the photographer since on her Facebook page she was offering additional photos and an outfit change if you bought directly with her. For those of you who did not follow the link above, it’s a photo session for basically sexy photos or pin-up photos. Yup, this girl is going to get some skanky photos. Ha. She sounds really nice actually as I chatted with her on the phone for a while. They are classy photos. Anyone who wants to see the photos can check out her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/PixiesPinups?fref=ts Anyhow; my appointment is tentatively set for August 11. So yes, I have a new goal in mind. Kick ass at the gym for the next 6 weeks so that I will look amazing in my sexy glamour type shots. I’ve got 6 weeks to build these little muscles up and then strut around in sexy pin-up clothing and get my picture taken. I kind of have always wanted to do this but honestly had no idea there was a place in the same town where I live that did this and it is super affordable. So much so that if I love it, which I kind of think I will because I’m vain and narcissistic that way, I could totally see myself doing thing again later. I think this is an awesome treat for a woman. Plus I love that most of her pictures are like true curvaceous women, not just stick thin girls.
So this morning my husband was kissing me good-bye and was like, you are looking so good. Sometimes I look at you and can’t believe you are my wife. You are hot. Awwhh… that is like the best compliment. That if he didn’t know me and he saw me he’d be very attracted to me. I know we’ve been together for 9 years and all but it’s still nice to hear from time to time you know. Then I promptly made him feel my arm muscle that is growing cause that’s just how I roll. I mean who really takes compliments in person all that well??? Not this girl for sure.
So I guess I’m saying don’t be surprised if in 6 weeks I have some awesome photos that I end up sharing. I don’t think they are going to be too bad so of course I might share some of them. Anyway, guess that’s about all for me today. Got to get back to some work and get a healthy snack.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Food Choices
So you want to talk food? Actually Jennifer wanted to talk food based on a comment to yesterday’s post so I am going to go ahead and give a quick little run down. For the past while I haven’t really been tracking food all that much, I am so stuck in a rut; routine. Breakfast is usually Greek yogurt and/or coffee. I have a mid-morning snack of a banana or other fruit. Lunch is typically a lean cuisine or Smart Ones meal. Afternoon snack always, fruit typically. Dinners are a lot of fish or chicken. I like chicken and avocado. I love bread so yeah; I eat a lot of bread. Oops. We have spaghetti a lot. And I’m not going to lie I must always eat some sort of dessert.
I have been on again/off again tracking my food into my gym’s online tracking system where I’m supposed to put it in and eat WAY more than I do on weight watchers. Since I have been in protein mode lately I have been eating more. What I am posting is 3 days worth of eating for me. The past 2 days in fact and a day last week, mainly because my days are kind of hit and miss as to whether I end up actually recording everything but I did these 3 days so here you go. You can see what I’m eating and all the lovely nutritional break down. Of course this is actually MORE than I would eat while trying to lose weight as it is over my allotted 26 weight watchers points. I swear I was eating more like 1200-1400 calories a day on weight watchers and they want me to eat 1900 which I’m not. But it is more like 1600 I’m eating probably because I am so damned hungry! Anyway, food has never been my best aspect of health and nutrition but I will keep trying right… which I guess is why I enter stuff into the gym logbook.
The past two days had I really been doing weight watchers I would have taken out some the high protein thus high point items like the snack bars, etc. But its pretty clean mostly with lots of fruit.
I have been on again/off again tracking my food into my gym’s online tracking system where I’m supposed to put it in and eat WAY more than I do on weight watchers. Since I have been in protein mode lately I have been eating more. What I am posting is 3 days worth of eating for me. The past 2 days in fact and a day last week, mainly because my days are kind of hit and miss as to whether I end up actually recording everything but I did these 3 days so here you go. You can see what I’m eating and all the lovely nutritional break down. Of course this is actually MORE than I would eat while trying to lose weight as it is over my allotted 26 weight watchers points. I swear I was eating more like 1200-1400 calories a day on weight watchers and they want me to eat 1900 which I’m not. But it is more like 1600 I’m eating probably because I am so damned hungry! Anyway, food has never been my best aspect of health and nutrition but I will keep trying right… which I guess is why I enter stuff into the gym logbook.
The past two days had I really been doing weight watchers I would have taken out some the high protein thus high point items like the snack bars, etc. But its pretty clean mostly with lots of fruit.
The long deep thought kind of one
Warning: This is a long deep thought kind of one
I am completely exhausted today. I guess hard work at the gym will do that to someone. After having a most killer workout Monday night that resulted in a little soreness what does this genius girl do? Yup, of course I went to the gym last night. I honestly get to the gym about 5:15 PM, they usually have 5:30 classes that I want to take so it leaves me about 10 minutes to “warm up”. Last night I hoped on the stair climber and blasted thru 10 solid minutes burning my first 100 calories. Then I hit the class, butts and guts. I enjoy the classes a lot actually because certainly they make me do exercise that I otherwise would not do. However you notice that guts was included in that class title and my Monday night exercise was a lot of core work which is a lot of gut work. Somehow by the end of the 30 minutes my “gut” was feeling it. However, 30 minutes will never be enough workout for me so I really wanted to run last night. I only ran 2 miles yesterday and other than that my last good run was last Thursday. Legs wanted to run.
I headed up to the treadmill area and low and behold it was a busy night at the gym all of the I’m guessing 30 treadmills were in use. I waited a minute and one opened up right in the middle of a sea of exercisers. I am for the most part over my fear of public exercise so I guess this didn’t really bother me. I headed to it, hit a 6 speed on the treadmill, of course jacked my “workout mix” playlist on the iphone and went for it. Immediately I realized that my sore “core” was going to be of some issue while running but I pushed thru. Nice to know that running really does use your core so much. 20 minutes and I felt good but suddenly the treadmill came to a jarring stop. Yup, it’s preset to only go for 20 minutes. I have to actively tell it not to and I only remember to do that at the beginning of a run like 20% of the time. Oops. But after 20 minutes I was NOT done. I immediately restarted the thing and bumped the speed once again, this time challenging myself a little more at a higher speed. I wanted to run 3.1 miles but somewhere around 30 minutes after hitting my desired distance I just wanted to run a little more. I decided to push on for another 10 minutes to hit the whole 40 minute mark before the machine shut itself off again. I’m not going to lie given my overall exhaustion those last couple minutes were entirely about mind over matter. I had to will my strength to keep going. I told myself, just 5 minutes, you can do this, run. Then it was 3 ½ minutes, you can so do this Emily; keep going. Then it was 2 minutes and I’m like yes, you are almost done. Don’t quit now and of course 1 minute. You can do ANYTHING for 60 seconds.
When all was said and done I had knocked out 40 minutes about 4.2 miles of awesome make me feel strong, alive and high kind of running. Of course I am always slightly disappointed in myself that I couldn’t run another 20 minutes for a solid hour, of course I am sure I could have “made” myself but given I had already completed a class and other stuff and I did want to get home to my husband and dog I gave myself permission to be done at 40 minutes and a little over 4 miles. Basically I need to continually prove to myself that in doing all these other classes and exercises that I am still able to keep up with my running. I may not be running an hour 5 days a week right now but I need to mentally know that I “can” run an hour at a given moment’s notice if I want. For some reason that is important to me. I want to be strong and healthy but I don’t want to sacrifice my love and the clarity and freedom I get with running. I need to be able to still do it when I want.
I of course made some observations on the treadmill as well. Cause I had a solid 40 minutes to just get lost in thought which is part of what I love about running as well. This was the first time at the gym I had seen all the treadmills in use at once so it gave me prime opportunity to observe the behaviors of others. I am not making any judgments upon anyone else. Running and exercise in general is all an individual thing and you cannot compare yourself to anyone else. It’s a mental game against yourself only; however that doesn’t mean that crazy girls won’t try and find their place in all of this.
Like most overweight people or women probably in general who suffer from self-esteem issues I can only really embrace the whole public exercise running on a treadmill next to two strangers and of course with tons of people if I feel I am holding my own. I need to know that I am as good as anyone there. Again, I don’t necessarily mean that I can faster than anyone but simply that I seem like I belong. I have this insane notion that someone is going to look at me and think I don’t really belong at a gym. This is the sad little insecure girl talking for sure. Of course I belong at the gym. First, there is no one who doesn’t belong at a gym. Period. If you want to be there, you belong! Second, it goes back to a fucked up perception of myself and reality. It doesn’t matter what I look like or what the number on a scale may say I have issues. I do not see myself clearly; to this day. Somehow I still think that when someone looks at me they are going to see this fat girl who can’t run. I have gotten so much better at pushing the insecurities to the side but they live inside of me on some unavoidable level.
Case in point, I am running along at my solid 6-6.2 pace on the treadmill. Just running enjoying myself. About 5 minutes into my run the person next to me leaves the treadmill and about a minute later an attractive young fit girl walks up in a totally cute matching outfit and I am intimidated. Immediately my mind starts to wander to a place of, “Oh, she looks like a runner, I bet she goes hard and I feel insecure about what I’m doing.” Hello, Emily, really? I have to mentally bitch slap myself because so what if she does run faster, would that matter at all? Secondly, you are not comparing yourself, and thirdly, have you noticed that you are consistently running at a decent speed. It’s not like you aren’t working at it.
So she gets on the treadmill and I’m waiting for the big spurt. Instead she starts walking. I’m thinking it’s warm up time, okay. And she just walks, eventually she does start sprinting. Wait, she’s running. And I’m like, there it is. There’s the run my mind has feared. As discretely as possible I look over to check out her speed, trying not to make it look like I am looking you know. And she was going 5.8. Phew. This gets a Phew not because I think any less of her. She is great. But because I feel like if she looked over at me she wouldn’t think I was a slacker then. Insecurities much. Anyhow, she runs for a couple minutes and then walks again. She continues down this path of run 2 walk 5 or thereabouts a few times. Meanwhile here I am just running away at a 6 to 6.2 pace. I am not bragging; I am not judging. Just observing as I try and find my own self-confidence. As I try to believe in myself more I guess. This doesn’t even touch the person on the other side of me. She just walked the whole time at a 3.5 pace. I think that is great. I truly do. Walking is better than sitting on your couch watching TV. I completely feel that way. I just hold myself to these ridiculous standards that I would never in a million years reflect upon anyone else.
Meanwhile I really do notice that in the 40 minutes I am on the treadmill people have come and gone. A LOT of people have come and gone and maybe gave it a sprint for a few minutes but few people actually run. I’m not going to lie and sugar coat it because this is my blog, but the truth is, this made me feel proud of myself. It did not make me feel any less towards anyone else; we are all at different places in our own personal journey. I cannot judge anyone cause I have no idea what obstacles they have faced in their lives just as no one can really understand me without knowing my life long struggles with these issues. But nonetheless my stamina and ability to just run made me feel proud and maybe like I do belong up there on those treadmills. Like someone could not look at me and say I am slacking. As if those things matter at all but honestly in the mind of a completely messed up girl with body image issues it does matter.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t this way. But I guess that is like asking grass to not be green or the sky to be anything but blue. I can’t really turn off that part of my brain that is so insecure. A lifetime of weight issues will leave their emotional toll no matter what. It’s like to this day I still cannot see myself clearly. I see a girl walk up the stairs to the treadmill and she is tiny and thin and cute and I’m like… Ugh… I wish I looked like that. And I get mad at myself and my body and I have no business doing that. It’s just hard sometimes. I have come a long way and I am much stronger than I give myself credit for and I am probably not nearly as fat as I think I am in my head. That is the strangest part of weight loss.
I say perception is one of the hardest things to truly alter. I’m not new to this rodeo; I have spent approximately 1/3 of my life fighting with my weight so I’ve been all over the place with perception. I had times that I could not see myself as anything less than hideously fat and then after time I had a problem where I thought I was active and healthy and in reality I had gained weight back and refused to let myself see the problem either.
I have a hard time because the scale is hovering between that 140-144 pound mark pretty consistently for me and while I have declared to be happy with such things I’m afraid I’m not actually happy with it. Somehow I feel like being as short as I am I should be able to weigh 130 pounds. Why do I do that? Like 10 pounds will really make that big of a difference? You know what will make much more of a difference? Muscle! Some days it’s hard to not get wrapped up or discouraged about things. I fear that all the extra muscle and weight training is keeping my weight consistent or stalling it out and in some of my weaker moments I get pissed because I don’t think 143 pounds is a desirable weight. I wish I didn’t have to admit that, but I still struggle with the notion that at 5 foot 3 inches I “should” be more like 130 pounds. Should is such a relative word because who says that I should be that? Really? Who gets to decide that this is what I “should” weigh? Society?
Please know that these are just my ramblings of thoughts in my head and at the end of the day I am comfortable on the path I am on. I have to trust in the process. I know everything I am doing for my body is the most healthy decision and the best choices I quite honestly have probably EVER made for my body. Every time I’ve lost weight before has been thru the vein of must lose weight, must love weight and not care about anything else. Meaning that it wasn’t about quality. It wasn’t about making myself strong and healthy; it was about getting to some magical number. And yes, perhaps I have reached some of those magical 130 numbers in the past but what did my body really have to show for it? I am building muscle and getting “fit” now and I am happy with that. What if I never lose another pound? Shouldn’t I be grateful with the body I have already earned? And of course that whole muscle vs. fat debate looms in my head. Muscle takes up less space so I could get smaller but not lose weight. I have seen this in people. (Secretly I wonder if this is just an excuse I tell myself to justify the lack of focus I am having in trying to lose weight)
I guess some days I still think I am fat… I still want to be smaller and more toned. I have a hard time when I can plainly see tiny cute little girls at the gym and I know my giant thighs will never be that. I need to love myself more. I do try to work at it. I really do. I have to tell myself that anyone who wears size 4 jeans and small and extra small tops cannot be fat. That there is no way that even society could deem that girl fat. But I still have my moments.
This is the seedy underbelly of weight loss that people don’t want to talk about. It’s not like suddenly you lose weight and your issues are gone. It’s not as if suddenly you are perfect and all better. Once a nut job, always a nut job! I obviously say that jokingly but that is a really condescending thing to say about oneself which probably further proves my theory that I’ve got more mental work to do. Most days I am fine and it doesn’t bother me. In fact more days than not I love myself and the girl I see in the mirror so I guess that is improvement.
The funny thing is I am 100% convinced cause I’ve pretty much lived it that it doesn’t matter what weight I am from 125 all the way up to 225 pounds I will have the same personal insecurities on the inside. I will always find something that isn’t right. I will always want more. I think that is just human nature. We are fundamentally way too hard on ourselves. We are only human with flaws and all.
Somehow I wish someone would take photos of just my body and photos of other similarly sized women’s bodies and put them together (no heads and clothed of course!) so that I wouldn’t know it was me… so I could truly see what I look like. Or at least see what I looked like thru other people’s eyes. Cause if I had to pick pictures of similarly sized woman that I think I look like I am sure they probably would be larger than I actually am cause don’t we mostly all see ourselves “larger” than we are. Unless you are in that state of denial which I have totally lived in where I still thought I could wear a size 8/10 when I was actually a 16/18. Ha!
Regardless I am clearly in a pretty deep let’s think about all this kind of mood today. It does help me to write it out and ponder some of these issues; even if it ends up being a ridiculously long post that nobody reads. It’s helped me nonetheless. So there you have it, to sum up, I am pretty much still an insecure nut who uses sarcasm and self deprecation to mask her insecurities. Yeah, that just about says it all.
When all else fails, exercise I guess. So even though my body is uncomfortably sore today. Moving is something I have to actually tell my brain to do, I will go ahead and push on thru and exercise tonight cause that is just what I do. Plus Wednesday nights are some of my favorite classes with an awesome motivational inspiring trainer teaching them. So yes, I will push thru the pain and I will kick some ass cause that is also just part of what I do. Despite it all, I never feel as happy or alive as I do when I am exercising so that is what I am going to keep doing, working thru my issues via exercise.
I am completely exhausted today. I guess hard work at the gym will do that to someone. After having a most killer workout Monday night that resulted in a little soreness what does this genius girl do? Yup, of course I went to the gym last night. I honestly get to the gym about 5:15 PM, they usually have 5:30 classes that I want to take so it leaves me about 10 minutes to “warm up”. Last night I hoped on the stair climber and blasted thru 10 solid minutes burning my first 100 calories. Then I hit the class, butts and guts. I enjoy the classes a lot actually because certainly they make me do exercise that I otherwise would not do. However you notice that guts was included in that class title and my Monday night exercise was a lot of core work which is a lot of gut work. Somehow by the end of the 30 minutes my “gut” was feeling it. However, 30 minutes will never be enough workout for me so I really wanted to run last night. I only ran 2 miles yesterday and other than that my last good run was last Thursday. Legs wanted to run.
I headed up to the treadmill area and low and behold it was a busy night at the gym all of the I’m guessing 30 treadmills were in use. I waited a minute and one opened up right in the middle of a sea of exercisers. I am for the most part over my fear of public exercise so I guess this didn’t really bother me. I headed to it, hit a 6 speed on the treadmill, of course jacked my “workout mix” playlist on the iphone and went for it. Immediately I realized that my sore “core” was going to be of some issue while running but I pushed thru. Nice to know that running really does use your core so much. 20 minutes and I felt good but suddenly the treadmill came to a jarring stop. Yup, it’s preset to only go for 20 minutes. I have to actively tell it not to and I only remember to do that at the beginning of a run like 20% of the time. Oops. But after 20 minutes I was NOT done. I immediately restarted the thing and bumped the speed once again, this time challenging myself a little more at a higher speed. I wanted to run 3.1 miles but somewhere around 30 minutes after hitting my desired distance I just wanted to run a little more. I decided to push on for another 10 minutes to hit the whole 40 minute mark before the machine shut itself off again. I’m not going to lie given my overall exhaustion those last couple minutes were entirely about mind over matter. I had to will my strength to keep going. I told myself, just 5 minutes, you can do this, run. Then it was 3 ½ minutes, you can so do this Emily; keep going. Then it was 2 minutes and I’m like yes, you are almost done. Don’t quit now and of course 1 minute. You can do ANYTHING for 60 seconds.
When all was said and done I had knocked out 40 minutes about 4.2 miles of awesome make me feel strong, alive and high kind of running. Of course I am always slightly disappointed in myself that I couldn’t run another 20 minutes for a solid hour, of course I am sure I could have “made” myself but given I had already completed a class and other stuff and I did want to get home to my husband and dog I gave myself permission to be done at 40 minutes and a little over 4 miles. Basically I need to continually prove to myself that in doing all these other classes and exercises that I am still able to keep up with my running. I may not be running an hour 5 days a week right now but I need to mentally know that I “can” run an hour at a given moment’s notice if I want. For some reason that is important to me. I want to be strong and healthy but I don’t want to sacrifice my love and the clarity and freedom I get with running. I need to be able to still do it when I want.
I of course made some observations on the treadmill as well. Cause I had a solid 40 minutes to just get lost in thought which is part of what I love about running as well. This was the first time at the gym I had seen all the treadmills in use at once so it gave me prime opportunity to observe the behaviors of others. I am not making any judgments upon anyone else. Running and exercise in general is all an individual thing and you cannot compare yourself to anyone else. It’s a mental game against yourself only; however that doesn’t mean that crazy girls won’t try and find their place in all of this.
Like most overweight people or women probably in general who suffer from self-esteem issues I can only really embrace the whole public exercise running on a treadmill next to two strangers and of course with tons of people if I feel I am holding my own. I need to know that I am as good as anyone there. Again, I don’t necessarily mean that I can faster than anyone but simply that I seem like I belong. I have this insane notion that someone is going to look at me and think I don’t really belong at a gym. This is the sad little insecure girl talking for sure. Of course I belong at the gym. First, there is no one who doesn’t belong at a gym. Period. If you want to be there, you belong! Second, it goes back to a fucked up perception of myself and reality. It doesn’t matter what I look like or what the number on a scale may say I have issues. I do not see myself clearly; to this day. Somehow I still think that when someone looks at me they are going to see this fat girl who can’t run. I have gotten so much better at pushing the insecurities to the side but they live inside of me on some unavoidable level.
Case in point, I am running along at my solid 6-6.2 pace on the treadmill. Just running enjoying myself. About 5 minutes into my run the person next to me leaves the treadmill and about a minute later an attractive young fit girl walks up in a totally cute matching outfit and I am intimidated. Immediately my mind starts to wander to a place of, “Oh, she looks like a runner, I bet she goes hard and I feel insecure about what I’m doing.” Hello, Emily, really? I have to mentally bitch slap myself because so what if she does run faster, would that matter at all? Secondly, you are not comparing yourself, and thirdly, have you noticed that you are consistently running at a decent speed. It’s not like you aren’t working at it.
So she gets on the treadmill and I’m waiting for the big spurt. Instead she starts walking. I’m thinking it’s warm up time, okay. And she just walks, eventually she does start sprinting. Wait, she’s running. And I’m like, there it is. There’s the run my mind has feared. As discretely as possible I look over to check out her speed, trying not to make it look like I am looking you know. And she was going 5.8. Phew. This gets a Phew not because I think any less of her. She is great. But because I feel like if she looked over at me she wouldn’t think I was a slacker then. Insecurities much. Anyhow, she runs for a couple minutes and then walks again. She continues down this path of run 2 walk 5 or thereabouts a few times. Meanwhile here I am just running away at a 6 to 6.2 pace. I am not bragging; I am not judging. Just observing as I try and find my own self-confidence. As I try to believe in myself more I guess. This doesn’t even touch the person on the other side of me. She just walked the whole time at a 3.5 pace. I think that is great. I truly do. Walking is better than sitting on your couch watching TV. I completely feel that way. I just hold myself to these ridiculous standards that I would never in a million years reflect upon anyone else.
Meanwhile I really do notice that in the 40 minutes I am on the treadmill people have come and gone. A LOT of people have come and gone and maybe gave it a sprint for a few minutes but few people actually run. I’m not going to lie and sugar coat it because this is my blog, but the truth is, this made me feel proud of myself. It did not make me feel any less towards anyone else; we are all at different places in our own personal journey. I cannot judge anyone cause I have no idea what obstacles they have faced in their lives just as no one can really understand me without knowing my life long struggles with these issues. But nonetheless my stamina and ability to just run made me feel proud and maybe like I do belong up there on those treadmills. Like someone could not look at me and say I am slacking. As if those things matter at all but honestly in the mind of a completely messed up girl with body image issues it does matter.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t this way. But I guess that is like asking grass to not be green or the sky to be anything but blue. I can’t really turn off that part of my brain that is so insecure. A lifetime of weight issues will leave their emotional toll no matter what. It’s like to this day I still cannot see myself clearly. I see a girl walk up the stairs to the treadmill and she is tiny and thin and cute and I’m like… Ugh… I wish I looked like that. And I get mad at myself and my body and I have no business doing that. It’s just hard sometimes. I have come a long way and I am much stronger than I give myself credit for and I am probably not nearly as fat as I think I am in my head. That is the strangest part of weight loss.
I say perception is one of the hardest things to truly alter. I’m not new to this rodeo; I have spent approximately 1/3 of my life fighting with my weight so I’ve been all over the place with perception. I had times that I could not see myself as anything less than hideously fat and then after time I had a problem where I thought I was active and healthy and in reality I had gained weight back and refused to let myself see the problem either.
I have a hard time because the scale is hovering between that 140-144 pound mark pretty consistently for me and while I have declared to be happy with such things I’m afraid I’m not actually happy with it. Somehow I feel like being as short as I am I should be able to weigh 130 pounds. Why do I do that? Like 10 pounds will really make that big of a difference? You know what will make much more of a difference? Muscle! Some days it’s hard to not get wrapped up or discouraged about things. I fear that all the extra muscle and weight training is keeping my weight consistent or stalling it out and in some of my weaker moments I get pissed because I don’t think 143 pounds is a desirable weight. I wish I didn’t have to admit that, but I still struggle with the notion that at 5 foot 3 inches I “should” be more like 130 pounds. Should is such a relative word because who says that I should be that? Really? Who gets to decide that this is what I “should” weigh? Society?
Please know that these are just my ramblings of thoughts in my head and at the end of the day I am comfortable on the path I am on. I have to trust in the process. I know everything I am doing for my body is the most healthy decision and the best choices I quite honestly have probably EVER made for my body. Every time I’ve lost weight before has been thru the vein of must lose weight, must love weight and not care about anything else. Meaning that it wasn’t about quality. It wasn’t about making myself strong and healthy; it was about getting to some magical number. And yes, perhaps I have reached some of those magical 130 numbers in the past but what did my body really have to show for it? I am building muscle and getting “fit” now and I am happy with that. What if I never lose another pound? Shouldn’t I be grateful with the body I have already earned? And of course that whole muscle vs. fat debate looms in my head. Muscle takes up less space so I could get smaller but not lose weight. I have seen this in people. (Secretly I wonder if this is just an excuse I tell myself to justify the lack of focus I am having in trying to lose weight)
I guess some days I still think I am fat… I still want to be smaller and more toned. I have a hard time when I can plainly see tiny cute little girls at the gym and I know my giant thighs will never be that. I need to love myself more. I do try to work at it. I really do. I have to tell myself that anyone who wears size 4 jeans and small and extra small tops cannot be fat. That there is no way that even society could deem that girl fat. But I still have my moments.
This is the seedy underbelly of weight loss that people don’t want to talk about. It’s not like suddenly you lose weight and your issues are gone. It’s not as if suddenly you are perfect and all better. Once a nut job, always a nut job! I obviously say that jokingly but that is a really condescending thing to say about oneself which probably further proves my theory that I’ve got more mental work to do. Most days I am fine and it doesn’t bother me. In fact more days than not I love myself and the girl I see in the mirror so I guess that is improvement.
The funny thing is I am 100% convinced cause I’ve pretty much lived it that it doesn’t matter what weight I am from 125 all the way up to 225 pounds I will have the same personal insecurities on the inside. I will always find something that isn’t right. I will always want more. I think that is just human nature. We are fundamentally way too hard on ourselves. We are only human with flaws and all.
Somehow I wish someone would take photos of just my body and photos of other similarly sized women’s bodies and put them together (no heads and clothed of course!) so that I wouldn’t know it was me… so I could truly see what I look like. Or at least see what I looked like thru other people’s eyes. Cause if I had to pick pictures of similarly sized woman that I think I look like I am sure they probably would be larger than I actually am cause don’t we mostly all see ourselves “larger” than we are. Unless you are in that state of denial which I have totally lived in where I still thought I could wear a size 8/10 when I was actually a 16/18. Ha!
Regardless I am clearly in a pretty deep let’s think about all this kind of mood today. It does help me to write it out and ponder some of these issues; even if it ends up being a ridiculously long post that nobody reads. It’s helped me nonetheless. So there you have it, to sum up, I am pretty much still an insecure nut who uses sarcasm and self deprecation to mask her insecurities. Yeah, that just about says it all.
When all else fails, exercise I guess. So even though my body is uncomfortably sore today. Moving is something I have to actually tell my brain to do, I will go ahead and push on thru and exercise tonight cause that is just what I do. Plus Wednesday nights are some of my favorite classes with an awesome motivational inspiring trainer teaching them. So yes, I will push thru the pain and I will kick some ass cause that is also just part of what I do. Despite it all, I never feel as happy or alive as I do when I am exercising so that is what I am going to keep doing, working thru my issues via exercise.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Comfort Zone
Okay so can I just say I was worried about nothing, which is per typical. I spent so much time worrying, stressing and generally uneasy about my personal training. Why??? Who the fuck knows. Except that in this world if I have to think about it and take time to process odds are I’m going to rationalize the fuck out of the situation until I’ve beaten it to death in my brain and ultimately this leads to that uneasy feeling. Case in point, is my personal training sessions that finally officially happened last night. All that lead up and honestly it was so good. I am not going to say it was easy; because it was not easy and that is the whole damned point! I am too easy on myself, well, we all are, and we won’t make ourselves do things that are that damned hard or uncomfortable which is why we actually pay a lot of good money to have someone else make us work. Fucked up concept I know.
Wow, I am swearing a lot this morning, not sure what that is about. Anyhow. My training session was amazing. Thank goodness. Since I have fully committed myself for a year to lots of sessions it’s a good thing I actually loved it. I had really hoped I would because I would have been so frustrated if it was not everything I had hoped for. It was!
I started by “warming up” on the treadmill. I am not really supposed to run but I knew I wanted to elevate my heart rate before my session and she told me to always come warmed up. I only had about 20 minute’s tops, a little less. I get off work at 5 and my session was at 5:30, so I left work a few minutes early and hauled ass to the gym. I got on the treadmill and RAN.. yeah! I did a little over 2 miles in 18 minutes. Felt great. I was sufficiently ready to have my ass handed to me.
I walked over to her and she was like, you ready? She asked if I wanted to spend more time on the machines learning them or get right into some work and I was like, let’s just jump in and get it going. So she took me over to the bosu ball where we worked on core stuff. Basically lunges and planks and then weights. It was amazing actually. Certainly things I would not do on my own. Here are some interesting things. She was watching my heart rate monitor as I worked out. She said she found it fascinating because I am so conditioned for cardio that it was actually really interesting for her to watch my heart rate monitor go when I did other stuff. That she noticed when I was deep in challenging exercises that my heart rate could/would spike at like 170 but I’d pop up from the exercise and almost instantly my heart rate would drop back to a nice rate. That my recovery time was AMAZING; which was the cardio conditioning. She said she was super impressed. Sure, I didn’t know proper form but I picked it up pretty instantly and I went for it.
She said that she has lots of clients that don’t really want to work or don’t know how to work hard. That they don’t really know how to push themselves. She said based on my back story she knew I would not be one of those people that I am a person who sets my mind to something and I just do it. That she is so excited because I will just do it. And of course my favorite comment of the night, said after we finished our workout… “You are going to be challenge for me.” LOVE IT!!!! Not sure exactly what that means because I felt like I was dying during it; seriously but I did get my high. I felt amazing. Worth every penny.
Immediately following my class I jumped into a ½ hour cardio class with another trainer. And then immediately following that was cardio core class. By the end I was completely spent and could not possibly make my arms hold my weight any longer. When all was said and done in about 2 hours I burned 1,000 calories, but more importantly I did lots of other unusual stuff for my body that I am sure is going to benefit me in the end.
Bottom line is this; I am a crazy girl and my trainer knows it and appreciates that and I think it’s a good match actually. I felt completely at ease with her and yes I did want to please her as is my nature but sometimes that is a good thing. I want to be strong and fierce and work my ass off and make her proud. I know it’s just my personality that makes me want to behave that way but honestly it was SOOOO good. I could see how a few months of this kind of work would produce some results in my body unlike any I’ve seen previously. In all of my past almost 10 years of ups and downs I have never gone to this level. I have always ran and ran and ran and then quit. I have not found new challenges or highs aside from running which ultimately has always produced an end game for me. I love running so much and will never quit doing that but I know it has a life-span for me. It has a boredom factor that eventually sets in. Perhaps only running a couple times a week with all this other fun stuff mixed in will keep it ALL fresh and new. It will make me crave the running more which I have noticed and keep it new and exciting for me.
I am not as sore this morning as I thought I might be. We will see though. Tonight I plan to go to the gym and there is a 5:30 butts and guts class and then I’m on my own. Probably will run at least ½ an hour and then maybe some more strength training. I am loving the development of muscles in my arms. Granted they are not there yet at all but I feel a little something that was never there before and that is exciting. This is the challenge that I needed to keep me interested in all this.
I am fairly comfortable with my level of food intake in relation to exercise. I am honestly not super focused on what I eat, counting points etc, because I am so focused on getting stronger. Which I guess is good. I’m not sure I can really get the scale to move too much more these days so it really is just about maintaining the weight and not gaining. Of course as I continue to build muscle there is always the possibility that I will actually gain muscle weight. I don’t know. As long as my clothes keep fitting that is all that really matters.
I am not getting enough protein at all though and honestly have resorted to things like the protein powder and of course protein bars which I would normally shy away from because they are 5 points each but I guess I have a different purpose which is strength and health and with 20 grams of protein I think my body needs it. Funny how one day can wipe away the memories of a bad weekend. One extremely killer good workout and I feel great. Which is why I love exercise so much I guess.
I think this whole post goes to prove the reality that you really should push yourself beyond your comfort zone, past your own limits. I was SCARED, really scared to ever go down this path and I think it is actually exactly what I needed. Sometimes the things that scare you are the only things really worth doing. Even if you end up not loving it you will feel accomplished for having faced the fear.
Wow, I am swearing a lot this morning, not sure what that is about. Anyhow. My training session was amazing. Thank goodness. Since I have fully committed myself for a year to lots of sessions it’s a good thing I actually loved it. I had really hoped I would because I would have been so frustrated if it was not everything I had hoped for. It was!
I started by “warming up” on the treadmill. I am not really supposed to run but I knew I wanted to elevate my heart rate before my session and she told me to always come warmed up. I only had about 20 minute’s tops, a little less. I get off work at 5 and my session was at 5:30, so I left work a few minutes early and hauled ass to the gym. I got on the treadmill and RAN.. yeah! I did a little over 2 miles in 18 minutes. Felt great. I was sufficiently ready to have my ass handed to me.
I walked over to her and she was like, you ready? She asked if I wanted to spend more time on the machines learning them or get right into some work and I was like, let’s just jump in and get it going. So she took me over to the bosu ball where we worked on core stuff. Basically lunges and planks and then weights. It was amazing actually. Certainly things I would not do on my own. Here are some interesting things. She was watching my heart rate monitor as I worked out. She said she found it fascinating because I am so conditioned for cardio that it was actually really interesting for her to watch my heart rate monitor go when I did other stuff. That she noticed when I was deep in challenging exercises that my heart rate could/would spike at like 170 but I’d pop up from the exercise and almost instantly my heart rate would drop back to a nice rate. That my recovery time was AMAZING; which was the cardio conditioning. She said she was super impressed. Sure, I didn’t know proper form but I picked it up pretty instantly and I went for it.
She said that she has lots of clients that don’t really want to work or don’t know how to work hard. That they don’t really know how to push themselves. She said based on my back story she knew I would not be one of those people that I am a person who sets my mind to something and I just do it. That she is so excited because I will just do it. And of course my favorite comment of the night, said after we finished our workout… “You are going to be challenge for me.” LOVE IT!!!! Not sure exactly what that means because I felt like I was dying during it; seriously but I did get my high. I felt amazing. Worth every penny.
Immediately following my class I jumped into a ½ hour cardio class with another trainer. And then immediately following that was cardio core class. By the end I was completely spent and could not possibly make my arms hold my weight any longer. When all was said and done in about 2 hours I burned 1,000 calories, but more importantly I did lots of other unusual stuff for my body that I am sure is going to benefit me in the end.
Bottom line is this; I am a crazy girl and my trainer knows it and appreciates that and I think it’s a good match actually. I felt completely at ease with her and yes I did want to please her as is my nature but sometimes that is a good thing. I want to be strong and fierce and work my ass off and make her proud. I know it’s just my personality that makes me want to behave that way but honestly it was SOOOO good. I could see how a few months of this kind of work would produce some results in my body unlike any I’ve seen previously. In all of my past almost 10 years of ups and downs I have never gone to this level. I have always ran and ran and ran and then quit. I have not found new challenges or highs aside from running which ultimately has always produced an end game for me. I love running so much and will never quit doing that but I know it has a life-span for me. It has a boredom factor that eventually sets in. Perhaps only running a couple times a week with all this other fun stuff mixed in will keep it ALL fresh and new. It will make me crave the running more which I have noticed and keep it new and exciting for me.
I am not as sore this morning as I thought I might be. We will see though. Tonight I plan to go to the gym and there is a 5:30 butts and guts class and then I’m on my own. Probably will run at least ½ an hour and then maybe some more strength training. I am loving the development of muscles in my arms. Granted they are not there yet at all but I feel a little something that was never there before and that is exciting. This is the challenge that I needed to keep me interested in all this.
I am fairly comfortable with my level of food intake in relation to exercise. I am honestly not super focused on what I eat, counting points etc, because I am so focused on getting stronger. Which I guess is good. I’m not sure I can really get the scale to move too much more these days so it really is just about maintaining the weight and not gaining. Of course as I continue to build muscle there is always the possibility that I will actually gain muscle weight. I don’t know. As long as my clothes keep fitting that is all that really matters.
I am not getting enough protein at all though and honestly have resorted to things like the protein powder and of course protein bars which I would normally shy away from because they are 5 points each but I guess I have a different purpose which is strength and health and with 20 grams of protein I think my body needs it. Funny how one day can wipe away the memories of a bad weekend. One extremely killer good workout and I feel great. Which is why I love exercise so much I guess.
I think this whole post goes to prove the reality that you really should push yourself beyond your comfort zone, past your own limits. I was SCARED, really scared to ever go down this path and I think it is actually exactly what I needed. Sometimes the things that scare you are the only things really worth doing. Even if you end up not loving it you will feel accomplished for having faced the fear.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Monday Blah
This weekend did not go as I had planned. I mean in terms of my food/health life that is. I guess some weekends are just like that aren’t they? I did have a good time with my family. Since I was in Maui the beginning of the month and then last weekend they were gone I have gone a longer than normal amount of time without hanging out with them. It was nice to see everyone but also reminded me of the challenges that I face when seeing everyone. It is no one else’s fault but my own. No one forces me to eat bad at all. I just somehow do. Like social events are invitations to eat freely and poorly. I really don’t want to dwell on the bad because hello, let’s stay positive on an otherwise naturally shitty Monday morning. I say naturally shitty because starting a week off always sucks. I do love the endless possibility and hope and fresh start of a Monday but the actual Monday morning getting back into the routine of it all kind of sucks.
Anyway, I had a great time Saturday night hanging out with my sister, brother in law, my other sister, my cousin and her husband and then one of my sister’s good friends. After work Chris showed up and we ended up going to a movie. We saw Now You See Me. It was actually shockingly a good movie. But of course it was one of those order food right at your table theaters and I got French fries with honey mustard (my complete and utter downfall!) and Sangria. Somehow social events just equal food for me. Afterwards we came home and played games. I had an awesome time! I guess I kind of needed that. A break from my constant health obsessed lifestyle. Nice to know that I can turn it off if needed. It’s still possible to live and breathe other things!
I won’t talk about the most amazing recces’ Peanut Butter cup cheesecake my cousin made. It’s kind of cruel and unusual torture for all involved, me writing it and you reading it to discuss how ridiculously amazing it was. I can guess that the calorie count on a slice was like 3000. Whatever. At least Saturday morning I did go to the gym and do cardio kickboxing and then some weight work on my own.
Yesterday I was so tired and lazy all day long. Seriously couldn’t get myself to do anything. I had every intention of exercising, I even put on workout clothes for the day but it just never happened. I did spend about 2 hours cleaning my house which it really was in desperate need of so I suppose that is a good thing. It's funny how we can sometimes justify things in our minds. I kept thinking that I don’t want to work out too hard because I don’t want to be sore because tonight I have my first official one on one session at the gym with my trainer and I didn’t want to go not feeing my best. Ultimately this was just an excuse because I am certain that if I had made myself run I would not have been sore. I was just too tired and took the day off and instead ate. I’d say this isn’t true but it kind of is. Oh well, not every single weekend can be perfect.
For all those reasons I am kind of glad it is Monday morning and I get back to my normal routine of health and wellness and exercise. I want to go to the gym tonight for sure. 5:30 is the training session which I am sure is going to kill me. And then at 6:30 depending on how I’m feeling I might do a ½ hour class. We will see. Of course today I have a major jonzing to run. I suppose that’s because I didn’t or couldn’t or wouldn’t make myself do it yesterday. I really do feel the need for my legs to let wild. I don’t know. I feel like a killer workout is in order. I need the sweat.
Back to good clean healthy eating today. At least Monday does allow for a fresh start with that! I am very much interested in a good clean healthy eating day coupled with a nice killer workout tonight. I am sure that is what my body needs most right now. I was feeling so yucky yesterday and I guarantee it was from lack of exercise mixed with two days of piss poor eating. Today is going to be better. I had a Greek yogurt for breakfast and I am mixing it up today by adding a scoop of protein powder to my water. I can plainly see that I have been lacking major protein in my diet and perhaps that will help make me feel fuller when I might otherwise not feel it.
I have some errands to run today, I have to hit the store for some groceries. I am almost out of bananas and yogurt, two of my main diet staples. All right, I just added some Dasani flavor drops in mixed berry to my protein water and that’s not bad; much better really. Protein powder usually tastes a little “off” to me, but this makes it completely bearable and since I totally need the protein I am excited.
Anyhow, right now I am generally just not feeling it, but I suspect that is complete and utter exhaustion so I need to get myself focused and back on track and back to doing the things I love. I am sure I will “feel it” as I say later today, after I wake up some! That’s the plan anyway.
Anyway, I had a great time Saturday night hanging out with my sister, brother in law, my other sister, my cousin and her husband and then one of my sister’s good friends. After work Chris showed up and we ended up going to a movie. We saw Now You See Me. It was actually shockingly a good movie. But of course it was one of those order food right at your table theaters and I got French fries with honey mustard (my complete and utter downfall!) and Sangria. Somehow social events just equal food for me. Afterwards we came home and played games. I had an awesome time! I guess I kind of needed that. A break from my constant health obsessed lifestyle. Nice to know that I can turn it off if needed. It’s still possible to live and breathe other things!
I won’t talk about the most amazing recces’ Peanut Butter cup cheesecake my cousin made. It’s kind of cruel and unusual torture for all involved, me writing it and you reading it to discuss how ridiculously amazing it was. I can guess that the calorie count on a slice was like 3000. Whatever. At least Saturday morning I did go to the gym and do cardio kickboxing and then some weight work on my own.
Yesterday I was so tired and lazy all day long. Seriously couldn’t get myself to do anything. I had every intention of exercising, I even put on workout clothes for the day but it just never happened. I did spend about 2 hours cleaning my house which it really was in desperate need of so I suppose that is a good thing. It's funny how we can sometimes justify things in our minds. I kept thinking that I don’t want to work out too hard because I don’t want to be sore because tonight I have my first official one on one session at the gym with my trainer and I didn’t want to go not feeing my best. Ultimately this was just an excuse because I am certain that if I had made myself run I would not have been sore. I was just too tired and took the day off and instead ate. I’d say this isn’t true but it kind of is. Oh well, not every single weekend can be perfect.
For all those reasons I am kind of glad it is Monday morning and I get back to my normal routine of health and wellness and exercise. I want to go to the gym tonight for sure. 5:30 is the training session which I am sure is going to kill me. And then at 6:30 depending on how I’m feeling I might do a ½ hour class. We will see. Of course today I have a major jonzing to run. I suppose that’s because I didn’t or couldn’t or wouldn’t make myself do it yesterday. I really do feel the need for my legs to let wild. I don’t know. I feel like a killer workout is in order. I need the sweat.
Back to good clean healthy eating today. At least Monday does allow for a fresh start with that! I am very much interested in a good clean healthy eating day coupled with a nice killer workout tonight. I am sure that is what my body needs most right now. I was feeling so yucky yesterday and I guarantee it was from lack of exercise mixed with two days of piss poor eating. Today is going to be better. I had a Greek yogurt for breakfast and I am mixing it up today by adding a scoop of protein powder to my water. I can plainly see that I have been lacking major protein in my diet and perhaps that will help make me feel fuller when I might otherwise not feel it.
I have some errands to run today, I have to hit the store for some groceries. I am almost out of bananas and yogurt, two of my main diet staples. All right, I just added some Dasani flavor drops in mixed berry to my protein water and that’s not bad; much better really. Protein powder usually tastes a little “off” to me, but this makes it completely bearable and since I totally need the protein I am excited.
Anyhow, right now I am generally just not feeling it, but I suspect that is complete and utter exhaustion so I need to get myself focused and back on track and back to doing the things I love. I am sure I will “feel it” as I say later today, after I wake up some! That’s the plan anyway.
Friday, June 21, 2013
A Friday fit for the birds
So it is Friday morning, hell yes. I will take it. Yesterday I spent pretty much my entire day in the car driving for work so it didn’t leave much room for other stuff like surfing the internet and posting. I guess it doesn’t happen that much so one day of it I can live with. But today is Friday! Did I mention it was Friday! Okay, so I woke up not in a great mood actually. I was running so late and so disgustingly tired. One should not be allowed to go to bed at 1 AM and then complain about being tired in the morning. Regardless, I was so slow moving this AM it wasn’t even funny. When I glanced down at my phone and noticed it was 8:32 and I was still prepping for the day at home and I am supposed to be at work at 8:30 I realized it was going to be a long day.
Fortunately when I finally arrived at work a full 30 plus minutes later no one was here so I will take it. To be honest most days I am walking into a completely empty office so I suspect in the back of my mind on days where I am dragging ass that much I don’t get too bent out of shape over it. On occasion someone is here when I show up and I go oh well, but mostly I am alone so 30 minutes isn’t as big of a deal as it probably should be. 5 minutes not a big deal, 30 is definitely pushing it! But much like the tree in the forest that doesn’t make a sound when it falls if no one is around to hear it; it’s like it didn’t happen because I was alone.
Anyway, back to the reality that I was having “issues” or complications this morning other than just being hella tired and running late. Those issue stem from the reality that I came home and ran again last night which was a great run. My body just felt like running. It was practically begging me to run. I know that sounds strange but I haven’t been running as much lately as per the trainers orders but my body just felt like my legs wanted to move fast. In fact the last time I ran an hour straight was last Wednesday. Yes; I ran this last weekend and did run one night this week for half an hour; but I still wanted to do a nice cathartic head clearing hour run. That happened last night. 6.5 miles in 65 minutes. I killed it. That is a good run for me. Anyhow, back to my story. That is 6 days in a row of exercise. I went to the gym 5 days in a row and then ran last night. 6 workouts/6 nights. My body is tired. And quite honestly a little sore from Wednesday nights gym time. I did 2 30 minute weight classes and then an hour zumba class. I think it was the weights that finally affected my body.
Anyhow, last night I was sore and my body is definitely looking forward to my much needed and mandated rest this evening. There will NOT be any exercise tonight; plus its Friday night and that’s perfectly okay to chill. And I will. But back to this morning, I woke up kind of sore and obviously the aforementioned tired so yeah. Oh, and grumpy. Did I mention that I was having a sort of “fat” day. I hate those. Despite killing it at the gym, or perhaps BECAUSE of killing it with exercise this last week I suddenly found myself feeling yucky. In all fairness last night was a major salt fest on the dinner front. I like salt, what can I say? But when you are tearing and breaking down your muscles and they are already retaining extra water and then you go ahead and add a bunch of salt to the mix, I think my body is hanging on for dear life. This is what I read anyway. I have no personal scientific proof that my body is retaining extra water or actually tearing down my muscles to rebuild them. That is just what the internet and magazine world have told me. With the exception of being massively sore I have no proof that anything is actually occurring in my body at all. However, I will take the sore as a sign that I have taxed my body and therefore it pretty much stands to reason that some of that process is probably occurring.
Back to having a fat day. Consequently from all of this I woke up feeling fat. I had a mental lapse in judgment. Somehow for some reason that completely escapes me, when I am feeling fat already and down on myself and generally in a funk I find it fun and apparently completely the right decision to torture myself. I did something I should not have done which was get on the scale. Why on God’s green earth would I do that to myself? Why would I not wait until a day I felt good and where my body was aching and retaining water after I spent the night consuming MASSIVE amounts of salt. Oops. Not a good idea at all. Let me say the number wasn’t God awful but it was more than I’d like to see. I know in my heart that coming off of 6 days in a row of muscle building exercise is going to leave me retaining and hanging onto things. It doesn’t change how I feel about myself as a whole and God knows that I don’t look any different today than yesterday when I was a happy camper. Whatever.
The thing is, I am not in a funk at this moment anymore and therefore I can forgive the scale and myself and rationalize what really happened on the scale. I can rationalize that I have worked out for 6 days in a row and there is just no way that is not good for my body. Okay, maybe 6 days in a row isn’t all that good, but I mean exercise as a whole is good for you. It’s just funny how the mind works sometimes. That when you are already down my first inclination is to beat myself up further by weighing myself? I don’t have that urge when I am doing good. I don’t get it.
Moving on, I left for work in a mild panic because so many things were “off” and was not in a great mood. Having the number flash in my head didn’t help and walked thru the door looked in the mirror and was not a happy girl. And then my friend who I super doper love even though I don’t even really “know” online posted a picture of her shoes. Brianna; I adore you! Anyway, they were the cutest little shoes and suddenly I was smiling. And then she told me where they were and what brand and low and behold I found them online and the next thing I knew I was ordering them in my size and suddenly I was smiling! I mean, who the fuck doesn’t want a pair of bird wedge shoes??? See them here:
http://www.dsw.com/shoe/report+shala+wedge+sandal?prodId=dsw12prod4450110&productRef=SEARCH
I had to just post the link because for some reason when websites have the zoom feature on their pictures I can’t seem to figure out how to copy and paste the photo. So if you are interested in seeing the adorable bird shoes, go to the link.
Somehow just seeing and buying these shoes made me smile today. Totally crazy I know. And then somehow during the process of all this I felt happier and it put things into perspective. Come on Em, get a grip! You are not fat. You are not 2 pounds heavier today magically. You have worked out really hard all week long and you’re just exhausted physically and apparently mentally. And wait, cute bird shoes! Yup, that was my exact train of thought. So now I feel better.
I realized it is Friday morning and I feel much better. I have cute bird shoes ordered. I just have to get thru today at work and then I have a weekend. My sister and brother in law are coming this weekend, there will be a party celebrating his college graduation at my mom’s house tomorrow. Backstory, this is my brother in law that married my sister a year ago or so. He is a great guy and is just now getting his college degree in math because he spent a few years in the military and served in Iraq for a year. Good guy. Anyhow, he is going to go to graduate school in the fall to get his masters in math.
Anyhow, there will be a party and I will get to see my extended family which quite honestly are some of my favorite people so it’s all good. Plus my sister and BIL are brining my niece Kayden with them. She gets to come to Grandma’s house and hang out with all of us without her parents. I am excited to see my Kaydie-bug. That is what we call her. There is no way to not be happy about that.
This is my plan. Tonight is clearly rest to recuperate and reset my tired body, mind and spirit. Tomorrow morning I wake up after a good night’s sleep hopefully refreshed and rejuvenated and hit the gym at 9 AM for Cardio Kickboxing. Hopefully there are enough people this week to actually have the class! I might do some weights after kickboxing and then come home and shower up and go and enjoy my Saturday afternoon with my family. There will be lots of unhealthy food options and I am planning on eating what I want. It’s okay. Including the deliciously amazing homemade cheesecake that my cousin is making. He is like this ridiculously great cook and I’m going to eat cheesecake. Whatever. No bad here. I work hard, I can eat a little cheesecake when the occasion calls for it.
I get to spend some time with my Kaydie-bug. I am hoping to do something fun and girly with her. Maybe we should do some make-overs. She is a wonderful little 8 year old girl who is VERY girly. Sunday I will probably try to go to the gym at some point, probably in the afternoon. I am not sure. Monday is my first one on one personal training so I certainly don’t want to show up sore. We will just see how it all goes.
But its Friday today and for a moment this morning there was sun. I am hoping the sun returns this afternoon and I can smile even more. My husband is home for the day and is going fishing again. He went fishing yesterday and caught a steelhead fish (basically a salmon). We had fresh cooked salmon last night for dinner with all the fixings. i.e., baked potato with SALT, and bread with garlic SALT, corn on the cob with SALT. Anyhow. The fish was amazing. But the point is, he will be home later and if the weather is nice maybe we can go for a walk with my Molly dog. Who knows.
Can you tell I am in a much better mood, who knew bird shoes could have such an impact. And yes Miss Brianna it would be FUN to shop with you. I swear as a general rule I actually feel so much closer and connected at times to strangers online than I do people I actually know in real life. I guess you guys all get to see this part of me which is a more real honest version of myself than I allow a lot of “real” people to see. Therefore the friendships I develop are based on a more honest version of myself and therefore realer. I feel like people know me better based on this world. Funny how that works sometimes. Right, Julie??? I consider some of the people I have connected with online my real friends, ones I wouldn’t hesitate to invite into my home and share my life with; if only we lived closer that is. Except you T, Seattle isn’t that far in reality. Totally drive-able! And I swear someday I will meet some of you.. .(cough, cough… Paige, are you reading this?)
Anyway it is almost 11 which means the day is sufficiently flying by just as I like it and I am seeing the sun peak back out from behind the clouds again and that makes me actually WANT to run work errands for a change.
Smile everyone because it’s Friday and there is just no good reason not to be happy!
Fortunately when I finally arrived at work a full 30 plus minutes later no one was here so I will take it. To be honest most days I am walking into a completely empty office so I suspect in the back of my mind on days where I am dragging ass that much I don’t get too bent out of shape over it. On occasion someone is here when I show up and I go oh well, but mostly I am alone so 30 minutes isn’t as big of a deal as it probably should be. 5 minutes not a big deal, 30 is definitely pushing it! But much like the tree in the forest that doesn’t make a sound when it falls if no one is around to hear it; it’s like it didn’t happen because I was alone.
Anyway, back to the reality that I was having “issues” or complications this morning other than just being hella tired and running late. Those issue stem from the reality that I came home and ran again last night which was a great run. My body just felt like running. It was practically begging me to run. I know that sounds strange but I haven’t been running as much lately as per the trainers orders but my body just felt like my legs wanted to move fast. In fact the last time I ran an hour straight was last Wednesday. Yes; I ran this last weekend and did run one night this week for half an hour; but I still wanted to do a nice cathartic head clearing hour run. That happened last night. 6.5 miles in 65 minutes. I killed it. That is a good run for me. Anyhow, back to my story. That is 6 days in a row of exercise. I went to the gym 5 days in a row and then ran last night. 6 workouts/6 nights. My body is tired. And quite honestly a little sore from Wednesday nights gym time. I did 2 30 minute weight classes and then an hour zumba class. I think it was the weights that finally affected my body.
Anyhow, last night I was sore and my body is definitely looking forward to my much needed and mandated rest this evening. There will NOT be any exercise tonight; plus its Friday night and that’s perfectly okay to chill. And I will. But back to this morning, I woke up kind of sore and obviously the aforementioned tired so yeah. Oh, and grumpy. Did I mention that I was having a sort of “fat” day. I hate those. Despite killing it at the gym, or perhaps BECAUSE of killing it with exercise this last week I suddenly found myself feeling yucky. In all fairness last night was a major salt fest on the dinner front. I like salt, what can I say? But when you are tearing and breaking down your muscles and they are already retaining extra water and then you go ahead and add a bunch of salt to the mix, I think my body is hanging on for dear life. This is what I read anyway. I have no personal scientific proof that my body is retaining extra water or actually tearing down my muscles to rebuild them. That is just what the internet and magazine world have told me. With the exception of being massively sore I have no proof that anything is actually occurring in my body at all. However, I will take the sore as a sign that I have taxed my body and therefore it pretty much stands to reason that some of that process is probably occurring.
Back to having a fat day. Consequently from all of this I woke up feeling fat. I had a mental lapse in judgment. Somehow for some reason that completely escapes me, when I am feeling fat already and down on myself and generally in a funk I find it fun and apparently completely the right decision to torture myself. I did something I should not have done which was get on the scale. Why on God’s green earth would I do that to myself? Why would I not wait until a day I felt good and where my body was aching and retaining water after I spent the night consuming MASSIVE amounts of salt. Oops. Not a good idea at all. Let me say the number wasn’t God awful but it was more than I’d like to see. I know in my heart that coming off of 6 days in a row of muscle building exercise is going to leave me retaining and hanging onto things. It doesn’t change how I feel about myself as a whole and God knows that I don’t look any different today than yesterday when I was a happy camper. Whatever.
The thing is, I am not in a funk at this moment anymore and therefore I can forgive the scale and myself and rationalize what really happened on the scale. I can rationalize that I have worked out for 6 days in a row and there is just no way that is not good for my body. Okay, maybe 6 days in a row isn’t all that good, but I mean exercise as a whole is good for you. It’s just funny how the mind works sometimes. That when you are already down my first inclination is to beat myself up further by weighing myself? I don’t have that urge when I am doing good. I don’t get it.
Moving on, I left for work in a mild panic because so many things were “off” and was not in a great mood. Having the number flash in my head didn’t help and walked thru the door looked in the mirror and was not a happy girl. And then my friend who I super doper love even though I don’t even really “know” online posted a picture of her shoes. Brianna; I adore you! Anyway, they were the cutest little shoes and suddenly I was smiling. And then she told me where they were and what brand and low and behold I found them online and the next thing I knew I was ordering them in my size and suddenly I was smiling! I mean, who the fuck doesn’t want a pair of bird wedge shoes??? See them here:
http://www.dsw.com/shoe/report+shala+wedge+sandal?prodId=dsw12prod4450110&productRef=SEARCH
I had to just post the link because for some reason when websites have the zoom feature on their pictures I can’t seem to figure out how to copy and paste the photo. So if you are interested in seeing the adorable bird shoes, go to the link.
Somehow just seeing and buying these shoes made me smile today. Totally crazy I know. And then somehow during the process of all this I felt happier and it put things into perspective. Come on Em, get a grip! You are not fat. You are not 2 pounds heavier today magically. You have worked out really hard all week long and you’re just exhausted physically and apparently mentally. And wait, cute bird shoes! Yup, that was my exact train of thought. So now I feel better.
I realized it is Friday morning and I feel much better. I have cute bird shoes ordered. I just have to get thru today at work and then I have a weekend. My sister and brother in law are coming this weekend, there will be a party celebrating his college graduation at my mom’s house tomorrow. Backstory, this is my brother in law that married my sister a year ago or so. He is a great guy and is just now getting his college degree in math because he spent a few years in the military and served in Iraq for a year. Good guy. Anyhow, he is going to go to graduate school in the fall to get his masters in math.
Anyhow, there will be a party and I will get to see my extended family which quite honestly are some of my favorite people so it’s all good. Plus my sister and BIL are brining my niece Kayden with them. She gets to come to Grandma’s house and hang out with all of us without her parents. I am excited to see my Kaydie-bug. That is what we call her. There is no way to not be happy about that.
This is my plan. Tonight is clearly rest to recuperate and reset my tired body, mind and spirit. Tomorrow morning I wake up after a good night’s sleep hopefully refreshed and rejuvenated and hit the gym at 9 AM for Cardio Kickboxing. Hopefully there are enough people this week to actually have the class! I might do some weights after kickboxing and then come home and shower up and go and enjoy my Saturday afternoon with my family. There will be lots of unhealthy food options and I am planning on eating what I want. It’s okay. Including the deliciously amazing homemade cheesecake that my cousin is making. He is like this ridiculously great cook and I’m going to eat cheesecake. Whatever. No bad here. I work hard, I can eat a little cheesecake when the occasion calls for it.
I get to spend some time with my Kaydie-bug. I am hoping to do something fun and girly with her. Maybe we should do some make-overs. She is a wonderful little 8 year old girl who is VERY girly. Sunday I will probably try to go to the gym at some point, probably in the afternoon. I am not sure. Monday is my first one on one personal training so I certainly don’t want to show up sore. We will just see how it all goes.
But its Friday today and for a moment this morning there was sun. I am hoping the sun returns this afternoon and I can smile even more. My husband is home for the day and is going fishing again. He went fishing yesterday and caught a steelhead fish (basically a salmon). We had fresh cooked salmon last night for dinner with all the fixings. i.e., baked potato with SALT, and bread with garlic SALT, corn on the cob with SALT. Anyhow. The fish was amazing. But the point is, he will be home later and if the weather is nice maybe we can go for a walk with my Molly dog. Who knows.
Can you tell I am in a much better mood, who knew bird shoes could have such an impact. And yes Miss Brianna it would be FUN to shop with you. I swear as a general rule I actually feel so much closer and connected at times to strangers online than I do people I actually know in real life. I guess you guys all get to see this part of me which is a more real honest version of myself than I allow a lot of “real” people to see. Therefore the friendships I develop are based on a more honest version of myself and therefore realer. I feel like people know me better based on this world. Funny how that works sometimes. Right, Julie??? I consider some of the people I have connected with online my real friends, ones I wouldn’t hesitate to invite into my home and share my life with; if only we lived closer that is. Except you T, Seattle isn’t that far in reality. Totally drive-able! And I swear someday I will meet some of you.. .(cough, cough… Paige, are you reading this?)
Anyway it is almost 11 which means the day is sufficiently flying by just as I like it and I am seeing the sun peak back out from behind the clouds again and that makes me actually WANT to run work errands for a change.
Smile everyone because it’s Friday and there is just no good reason not to be happy!
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