I realize lately that my posts have felt an awful lot like a broken record. Kind of been saying the same thing day in and day out and while that is all nice and fine and dandy I mean it can get quite tediously boring. Yeah, the girl is exercising and going to the gym, great…. And yes, it is a good thing and yes I’m excited and yes this is a weight related blog so I’m not sure that one should expect any different content from it but it’s still constantly boring to hear the same thing.
So instead today I want to talk about something slightly different. Not really but at least it’s a different take on it. Yes the past week has been filled with healthy good stuff. Lots of great exercise and back on program post vacation joy. That is all true but lest we think I‘ve got all my shit figured out I don’t want to delude anyone, this is still a hard journey and despite being at goal having an addictive personality nothing about this is EVER easy. I still struggle, even now. It is a constant moment by moment struggle or rather conscious decision to be healthy. And health doesn’t always win.
I don’t want to fool anyone. I have been pretty clean in my eating post Maui but things have still gotten the better of me. I ate at least half a bag of Tostados Hint of Lime chips by myself thru the course of this last week and I didn’t even count/track/account for a bite of it; anywhere. And I’m not going to lie it is a DAILY and yes I do mean every single day kind of struggle to not pull into the amazing cupcake shop that is downtown and buy a cupcake. I am super addicted to fancy amazing unique flavored cupcakes. I’m glad I didn’t know this place existed 9 months ago when I was still eating anything and everything. I can only imagine how much additional damage I could have caused myself. But I don’t know why even to this day I have to divert the car in a different direction every single day.
Why are some people blessed with the skinny/healthy jean while others have to fight every single day to do the things that actually make themselves feel better. I can not deny that I never feel better physically and mentally than when I eat well and exercise. I have never been one of those people where food doesn’t affect me. Even when I am shoveling piles of garbage into my mouth I feel sick and push on. Even as an obese child eating too much grease caused me to spend many sleepless nights hugging the toilet. I had acid reflux disease as a kid which of course if a fancy way of saying I ate way too much fast food that my body couldn’t process it correctly. And yet it was never an indication to me that I should quit my behaviors.
And low and behold every single time I get off track and live a McDonald’s diet my stomach aches and I throw up and I feel sluggish and horrible. This is all physically; it doesn’t even being to touch the mental anguish it causes. Let’s face it, when you are 220 pounds and you don’t entirely care what you are eating the mental toll isn’t as tough as it would be if I ate at McDonald’s today. That is the truth. I wasn’t mentally that concerned about my behaviors probably because I would have had to face the truth if I were. There was a few times where I would actually think about it and get disgusted and just push the thought out of my head. But that didn’t stop the physical symptoms of poor nutrition from taking their toll on me.
Sometime approximately a year or so ago, in May of 2012 I remember sitting in my mom’s living room chatting with her about how I desperately HAD to do something about my eating because I just felt so sick all the time. I was so tired of physically feeling like I was going to vomit 24/7. And honestly I did vomit a lot. But I still would go to McDonald’s for my next meal or crack open another 12 pack of frosted sugar cookies; and then complain of wanting to vomit.
When you are not in the right mind frame there is just no getting out of the slump we create for ourselves. It’s not as if I didn’t know how to lose weight or eat healthy. I had already lost and gained 70 plus pounds 3 times at that point. I knew how to succeed and I knew how to fail. I was choosing failure. Despite having that conversation in May of 2012 it took until October to finally stop the madness. I honestly am not sure what finally did it for me. A complete combination of factors I’ve discussed before. The reality of booking a Vegas trip to see my stalking obsession, P!nk. And then there was this other nagging reality… Mom had joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. I knew she was going to lose weight and suddenly I couldn’t walk around fat and unhappy while mom was getting healthy.
Boy this journey is easier when the people around you are walking the same path. I have never really understood this concept until this time losing weight. I have known it was true but no one in my family had really been on the same path as me until this time. It is nice having mom care too. It is nice going to the gym and seeing my mom there. It is nice having someone to take classes with. Actually I don’t believe for a second I would have even EVER joined a gym if it hadn’t been for Mom already being a member and taking me with her.
Simply put I guess I will never get over the urge to eat a cupcake. I have to do this forever and make the choices that are best for me every single day. It doesn’t actually mean that I will always pick the healthiest option. Sometimes I don’t. And that is okay. This weekend is my brother in laws graduation party and there will be cheesecake and I am pretty certain I won’t be able to resist some of the tasty foods that will be spread about. And that is going to have to be okay with me. Because that is just life. I don’t want to live a life where cheesecake and cupcakes are completely off limits. Because I know in my heart I WON’T live a life like that and if I don’t allow for them and still keep going then ultimately I will fail at this like I have every previous time.
Don’t think because I have conquered my weight for now that I don’t still live the same internal struggle that all fat girls do. And sometimes my fat girl just wins out, plain and simple. Hello M&M’s and sweet tarts. And yes, my Friday night dinners that usually involve alcoholic sugary mixed drink concoctions.
Tonight I gym it once again. However since this is Day 5 in a row of workouts I’m going to say it should be a lighter workout. Of course I am going to be doing some classes so I am not entirely in control of it all. I am excited to get in some dumbbell fit and cardio strength classes tonight. Should be a good time. I will not run. I ran a 5k last night in 29 minutes. Good enough for me. Then I did 2o minutes on the row machine and then about 30 minutes of weight stuff. I had a great workout, burned 750 calories and that was good enough for me. Tonight is classes and then Thursday night will be rest day; finally :)
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
When did I get so scared all the time?
Some days things just don’t go according to plan do they? I’m trying to get some stuff done at work and then it’s like, run this errand for me will ya? And then its can you do this? I guess it’s good to be needed right? Of course I am a pretty ritualistic girl. Okay, that sounded like creepy spiritual and that I am not. I meant, I am a creature of habit. I like routine and consistency. Thus the same running routine for 7 plus months. Anyhow; I have a predetermined way I like my mornings to go and that includes start out doing a few things that I have to do daily for work and then I like to take a little while and write out my blog post. I love how that somehow gets worked into my daily work routine, right? As if that is a high priority I’m sure… But if I don’t get it done in the morning there are diminishing odds that it happens later in the day. Just part of the ritual that is Emily.
Anyhow; last night I met with my newly hired personal trainer. Her name is Julie. I was nervous because God knows I am always nervous. Why am I such a scardy cat all the time? Geesh. Sometimes I wonder what the hell is really wrong in my brain, but that is a discussion for another time. I wasn’t actually afraid to meet with her. I think my fear stems from being afraid that I won’t be able to deliver on expectations. I think that I’m afraid that people think I’m stronger than I am. That perhaps I portray myself as stronger than I am. I don’t even mean physically stronger but emotionally. I think I’d break far easier than I like to portray.
I like my trainer. I have this innate desire to want to please her. Perhaps because I do like her and respect her. Perhaps because she keeps telling me how awesome I’m going to be and how much she is looking forward to watching me change and of course how cute and tiny I already am. Hmm… who doesn’t love to hear that? For some reason she already gets me and I love that. I think it helps that she is my mom’s trainer and has discussed me with her so I go in already having someone else in my corner. She has already gathered that I am obsessive compulsive and told me last night she was the same way. That I remind her of herself at my age. She is in her mid 40’s now. She said I am at about the same weight she was when she started doing this herself and she was 34. Anyway, she took my measurements which weren’t bad. I have nothing to compare them to so I can’t really tell you. The only time I’ve ever taken my measurements are when you hold up a tape measure and let’s be honest you pull it pretty tight to produce the lowest number possible. Not sure if that is really the most accurate measurement anyway.
It’s probably better to have a consistent person measure you who doesn’t squeeze the ever loving crap out of you. Probably better. Anyhow, my numbers seemed fine to me. But who the hell is counting. I suppose the true result comes in a month when we take my measurements again to see if there is any improvement. After she took the measurements she was like, see you already are tiny. I like being called tiny even if I don’t believe it. For some reason I do have it stuck in my head that 140 pounds is not tiny at all. That someone who is “tiny” is like 110 pounds. I don’t want to be 110 pounds but I have never equated thin to 140 pounds ever. Funny. Which is why it always shocks me that someone in this profession could say that I look like I’m at a great size and don’t need to lose weight but just tone up. In my mind I guess I still see all the flab at 140 pounds and therefore my normal gut reaction is to lose more weight and be like 130 pounds when in reality perhaps I just need to turn the flab into muscle and then it wouldn’t matter if I was 140 or 130 pounds. I do believe that. I am less concerned about the actual weight and suddenly more focused on building noticeable muscle.
However, I am scared that given her knowledge of my history and the reality that I already have a pretty high fitness level that somehow her expectation of my ability is greater than what it actually is. I keep trying to preface it by saying things like I have never done any of this kind of stuff before and my form is awful, I don’t know what I’m doing and of course I am not strong at all. I am not sure this is helping myself any but I naturally do it nonetheless.
She asked me realistically how much I am running. I told her since going the gym last month I have really tried to focus on running less but for a solid 7 months I honestly ran 5 days a week for an hour minimum. This is not a lie. She told me this was indeed too much running and while great for blasting calories and losing weight as I have done it really does become counterproductive because eventually as you lose weight your body has no more of those fat cells to blast and it turns into burning your non-existent muscle. Okay I added the non-part in there. Anyhow my goal is strength, strength, strength, and to taper down on the running of course.
This is a hard concept for my brain to completely grasp. I want to run. I love to run. But on the flip of it, I want health and I want different results than I’ve ever gotten so shouldn’t I really listen to this educated professional?
Oh, and the diet… geesh. They have a page you log into to track your food intake. Yeah, it’s one of those “ideal” best case scenarios that for me seem completely not manageable in real life at all. Keep your sodium levels to oh, nothing! Ha. And of course 50% carbs, 30% protein, 20% fat or something like that. I BARELY and I do mean BARELY track food on occasion; you really think I’m going to spend my life analyzing how much of my diet is coming from carbs/protein/fat. It’s pretty much a miracle if I track or eat well so why should I over tax my brain with that. Yes, I understand it would be better for me. Don’t we all know that? I don’t think I’m trying to become miss muscle fitness 2013 or the poster child for the fitness industry. I simply want to strength train and I suppose ultimately learn to maintain my weight and still afford myself the occasional cookie and margarita. I’m not looking to beat myself up for my particular mix of food choices. What the fuck do I care if a banana is carb loaded and therefore skews my daily intake. It’s a god-damned banana and shouldn’t it be a good thing for me to eat those as snacks instead of like chips or something else?
Okay, that is my stupid rant. She wasn’t really pushing it that hard. I just find it interesting that the fitness industry as a whole is so focused on stuff like that. I get it, but I am also coming from a place of real. I’ve done this shit for 9 years and I know that for someone who will always be a fat girl on the inside it’s a fucking miracle to consistently eat bananas as snacks. Fuck the carbs. Seriously!
Baby steps. She waked me around and showed me some machines to get me going this week. I was happy and comfortable with that. She told me we would not spend a lot of time focusing on the machines as she has other plans for me. She seemed genuinely excited to tear into me and that is both awesome and terrifying that the same time. I don’t even think it’s because of my physical ability. I am sure it’s not great and I am sure while she gets people coming to her with less skills she probably has people in better shape seeking her help as well. But what she probably gets little of is the crazy obsessive girl that is pretty obvious I am. I think when you tell someone that you lost almost 80 pounds in 7 months all on your own you get a pretty clear vision of the level of commitment or perhaps crazy that is going on in there brain. I think this is a rare-er breed at a gym. Sure sure you get your addicts or people who are fit, but a true obsessive compulsive is a rarer breed. And here I am in the flesh waiting to be molded I guess. I will say that in 9 years of yo-yo-ing my life around I have never really done weight training. I am a fresh slate.
But I am scared. I keep saying that because a girl doesn’t get to be 220 pounds in life without having a few emotional issues. Those bags are hard to empty my friends. Just because I lose the weight doesn’t mean all of the issues suddenly go away. I have worked very hard on them and sure they are lesser. Hell I’m proud of myself for even joining the gym and feeling comfortable enough to walk around there like I actually belong. That is a HUGE step for me. So obviously part of my baggage is wondering if I can really live up to expectations. What if I CAN’T do this? What if I flake out like I have done every other time in my life? What if I quit? What happens when my motivation and desire go away, as I am almost certain will happen at some point?
One day at a time I guess. Don’t create the problems before they happen. Right now we have blocked out Monday nights at 5:30 for my training sessions indefinitely. I get off work at 5, have to rush to the gym, try and get in a solid 10-15 minutes of warm-up before I see her and then she is going to kick my ass apparently. I think I will love it. I’ve loved everything I’ve done thus far. Maybe in the moment I hate it, but I always love it afterwards. I am certain this will be no different.
And just because I’m afraid doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. What if I could actually have the things I want and all it took was me stepping out of my comfort zone? I’m tired of being so afraid of life. I really am such a wuss. I don’t know when I got so scared to live.
Last night I did not do really any cardio. I took a class that was fun and then I did some weight stuff for 30 minutes, the stuff she showed me and that was about it. So tonight I plan to hit the gym for a good sweat session. I didn’t sweat too much last night. Chris works late tonight so I get to spend some quality time with myself sweating it out. I brought my running shoes tonight so I can get in a nice 5k run. I will try and limit myself to only a 30 minute run and then more weights and other stuff. But I feel like I need a good run. It is when I do my best thinking!
Anyhow; last night I met with my newly hired personal trainer. Her name is Julie. I was nervous because God knows I am always nervous. Why am I such a scardy cat all the time? Geesh. Sometimes I wonder what the hell is really wrong in my brain, but that is a discussion for another time. I wasn’t actually afraid to meet with her. I think my fear stems from being afraid that I won’t be able to deliver on expectations. I think that I’m afraid that people think I’m stronger than I am. That perhaps I portray myself as stronger than I am. I don’t even mean physically stronger but emotionally. I think I’d break far easier than I like to portray.
I like my trainer. I have this innate desire to want to please her. Perhaps because I do like her and respect her. Perhaps because she keeps telling me how awesome I’m going to be and how much she is looking forward to watching me change and of course how cute and tiny I already am. Hmm… who doesn’t love to hear that? For some reason she already gets me and I love that. I think it helps that she is my mom’s trainer and has discussed me with her so I go in already having someone else in my corner. She has already gathered that I am obsessive compulsive and told me last night she was the same way. That I remind her of herself at my age. She is in her mid 40’s now. She said I am at about the same weight she was when she started doing this herself and she was 34. Anyway, she took my measurements which weren’t bad. I have nothing to compare them to so I can’t really tell you. The only time I’ve ever taken my measurements are when you hold up a tape measure and let’s be honest you pull it pretty tight to produce the lowest number possible. Not sure if that is really the most accurate measurement anyway.
It’s probably better to have a consistent person measure you who doesn’t squeeze the ever loving crap out of you. Probably better. Anyhow, my numbers seemed fine to me. But who the hell is counting. I suppose the true result comes in a month when we take my measurements again to see if there is any improvement. After she took the measurements she was like, see you already are tiny. I like being called tiny even if I don’t believe it. For some reason I do have it stuck in my head that 140 pounds is not tiny at all. That someone who is “tiny” is like 110 pounds. I don’t want to be 110 pounds but I have never equated thin to 140 pounds ever. Funny. Which is why it always shocks me that someone in this profession could say that I look like I’m at a great size and don’t need to lose weight but just tone up. In my mind I guess I still see all the flab at 140 pounds and therefore my normal gut reaction is to lose more weight and be like 130 pounds when in reality perhaps I just need to turn the flab into muscle and then it wouldn’t matter if I was 140 or 130 pounds. I do believe that. I am less concerned about the actual weight and suddenly more focused on building noticeable muscle.
However, I am scared that given her knowledge of my history and the reality that I already have a pretty high fitness level that somehow her expectation of my ability is greater than what it actually is. I keep trying to preface it by saying things like I have never done any of this kind of stuff before and my form is awful, I don’t know what I’m doing and of course I am not strong at all. I am not sure this is helping myself any but I naturally do it nonetheless.
She asked me realistically how much I am running. I told her since going the gym last month I have really tried to focus on running less but for a solid 7 months I honestly ran 5 days a week for an hour minimum. This is not a lie. She told me this was indeed too much running and while great for blasting calories and losing weight as I have done it really does become counterproductive because eventually as you lose weight your body has no more of those fat cells to blast and it turns into burning your non-existent muscle. Okay I added the non-part in there. Anyhow my goal is strength, strength, strength, and to taper down on the running of course.
This is a hard concept for my brain to completely grasp. I want to run. I love to run. But on the flip of it, I want health and I want different results than I’ve ever gotten so shouldn’t I really listen to this educated professional?
Oh, and the diet… geesh. They have a page you log into to track your food intake. Yeah, it’s one of those “ideal” best case scenarios that for me seem completely not manageable in real life at all. Keep your sodium levels to oh, nothing! Ha. And of course 50% carbs, 30% protein, 20% fat or something like that. I BARELY and I do mean BARELY track food on occasion; you really think I’m going to spend my life analyzing how much of my diet is coming from carbs/protein/fat. It’s pretty much a miracle if I track or eat well so why should I over tax my brain with that. Yes, I understand it would be better for me. Don’t we all know that? I don’t think I’m trying to become miss muscle fitness 2013 or the poster child for the fitness industry. I simply want to strength train and I suppose ultimately learn to maintain my weight and still afford myself the occasional cookie and margarita. I’m not looking to beat myself up for my particular mix of food choices. What the fuck do I care if a banana is carb loaded and therefore skews my daily intake. It’s a god-damned banana and shouldn’t it be a good thing for me to eat those as snacks instead of like chips or something else?
Okay, that is my stupid rant. She wasn’t really pushing it that hard. I just find it interesting that the fitness industry as a whole is so focused on stuff like that. I get it, but I am also coming from a place of real. I’ve done this shit for 9 years and I know that for someone who will always be a fat girl on the inside it’s a fucking miracle to consistently eat bananas as snacks. Fuck the carbs. Seriously!
Baby steps. She waked me around and showed me some machines to get me going this week. I was happy and comfortable with that. She told me we would not spend a lot of time focusing on the machines as she has other plans for me. She seemed genuinely excited to tear into me and that is both awesome and terrifying that the same time. I don’t even think it’s because of my physical ability. I am sure it’s not great and I am sure while she gets people coming to her with less skills she probably has people in better shape seeking her help as well. But what she probably gets little of is the crazy obsessive girl that is pretty obvious I am. I think when you tell someone that you lost almost 80 pounds in 7 months all on your own you get a pretty clear vision of the level of commitment or perhaps crazy that is going on in there brain. I think this is a rare-er breed at a gym. Sure sure you get your addicts or people who are fit, but a true obsessive compulsive is a rarer breed. And here I am in the flesh waiting to be molded I guess. I will say that in 9 years of yo-yo-ing my life around I have never really done weight training. I am a fresh slate.
But I am scared. I keep saying that because a girl doesn’t get to be 220 pounds in life without having a few emotional issues. Those bags are hard to empty my friends. Just because I lose the weight doesn’t mean all of the issues suddenly go away. I have worked very hard on them and sure they are lesser. Hell I’m proud of myself for even joining the gym and feeling comfortable enough to walk around there like I actually belong. That is a HUGE step for me. So obviously part of my baggage is wondering if I can really live up to expectations. What if I CAN’T do this? What if I flake out like I have done every other time in my life? What if I quit? What happens when my motivation and desire go away, as I am almost certain will happen at some point?
One day at a time I guess. Don’t create the problems before they happen. Right now we have blocked out Monday nights at 5:30 for my training sessions indefinitely. I get off work at 5, have to rush to the gym, try and get in a solid 10-15 minutes of warm-up before I see her and then she is going to kick my ass apparently. I think I will love it. I’ve loved everything I’ve done thus far. Maybe in the moment I hate it, but I always love it afterwards. I am certain this will be no different.
And just because I’m afraid doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. What if I could actually have the things I want and all it took was me stepping out of my comfort zone? I’m tired of being so afraid of life. I really am such a wuss. I don’t know when I got so scared to live.
Last night I did not do really any cardio. I took a class that was fun and then I did some weight stuff for 30 minutes, the stuff she showed me and that was about it. So tonight I plan to hit the gym for a good sweat session. I didn’t sweat too much last night. Chris works late tonight so I get to spend some quality time with myself sweating it out. I brought my running shoes tonight so I can get in a nice 5k run. I will try and limit myself to only a 30 minute run and then more weights and other stuff. But I feel like I need a good run. It is when I do my best thinking!
Monday, June 17, 2013
Weekend of Health
My weekend did not go as planned. Not that they ever do actually and not that I really had any solid plan. I didn’t. I knew it was going to be much more of a do what I want lazy kind of weekend and I was fine with that. I actually needed that post crazy of vacation time. Overall I would say it was a pretty good healthy weekend. It was not 100% clean; but I truly wasn’t holding my breath that it would be. Saturday night I ate a bag of plain m&m’s… I can’t shake my sugar cravings but they are vastly less than Maui-time so I’ll take it.
Let’s start with Friday. I did not exercise. Since I got home last Tuesday I exercised Tuesday; Wednesday and Thursday. I also knew that Saturday and Sunday would more than likely include lots of exercise so I purposely took Friday off. I think this was a good decision on my part. Hubby has been sick; like flu kind of sick so he was home Friday and by the time I came home he was craving some out of the house time. He did not feel great but good enough that he needed some fresh air. We ended up going to Costco to do a walk around. When I say a walk around these trips always inevitably end up costing me like $100. Oops. It’s so easy to do when every time is in such large quantity that it costs $10 or so. Only a few times and suddenly you find yourself with $100 cart. Anyhow, my cart looked great. I got apple slices, raspberries, mushrooms and a big 24 pack of Monster energy drinks. Here’s the thing; I know they are not great or “healthy” by any account but I like them and honestly if that is my worst habit than I am okay with it. Baby steps right.
Chris was starving and needed a snack so we ended up looking at the granola bar type things. He opted for a Nature Valley peanut thing which was healthier than many of the other options but not something I would consume because of content. My husband is just a naturally thin guy; always has been. He doesn’t fluxuate like me. He’s been pretty solidly consistent the entire time I’ve known him. In those same 9 years I’ve lost and gained 75 pounds like 4 times. Ha. Anyway, I did get some Lara bars. Um… why has no one ever told me how amazing these bars are??? I guess I have been living under a rock or something. We got an 18 count box for like $16 I think. I knew they were healthy and all but boy were they delicious. There were 3 kinds in the box and I loved them all. I am going to go to the grocery store and buy other flavors. I am in love with the simplicity of them. The ingredients are amazing, really just fruit and nuts. In terms of weight watchers points they are slightly high but in terms of health and nutrition I think they are spot on. We need to eat less processed crap in our lives and these bars have none of that.
In terms of Phase 2 of my life plan which is to be healthy and happy I think these bars are a great fit. I really appreciate the lack of ingredients I can’t even pronounce. That has to count for something right? I am going to treat them as they are, a very good for you snack and not worry so much about the other information because of the quality.
Anyway, Saturday morning I had every intention of going to the gym at 9 AM for cardio kickboxing. When I went to the gym Thursday night there was a sign up when I walked in saying the class had just been added. I’m like sure, I’m up for it. Somehow Saturday morning I overslept and when I looked at the clock it was 8:30… Oops. Holy Shit. I went into get up and act fast mode. I literally got dressed, grabbed some food to go and headed out the door. I made it to the gym by 8:55 which isn’t bad. Low and behold when I went to put my name on the sign-up sheet I was the only one. The instructor, a nice cute fun little girl came over to me and we started chatting. We were hoping someone else would show up I guess.
Eventually my newly hired trainer came into the gym and over to us and the instructor asked her what she should do because I was the only one who signed up. There was discussion and finally it was determined that the girl could do a personal 30 minute 1 on 1 training with me. So she asked if I was up for it and I’m thinking um… I just paid a shit load of money for one on one trainings so yes, I’ll take it. We went to the group class room and instead of doing anything kickbox related the girl kicked my ass. Okay, we did a little circuit type training with lots of weights and mountain climbers and burpies. It was killer. My arms were shaking. Obviously not in great arm strength here. I was actually totally impressed despite being utterly tired from having just literally woken up not too long beforehand. I felt a huge high which gives me so much hope and anticipation for my own personal training sessions.
It was hard work and by the time it was done; I was ready for it to be done but I felt amazing. Of course I was not even close to done with the gym. I had a whole day all to myself and I was going to use it how I saw fit. I wanted to run. I did not run Thursday night at the gym and I took Friday off so I felt like a good run. I ran for 45 minutes or so I don’t exactly remember and around 4 ½ to 5 miles. It felt good. I felt happy. I did some other machines and I kept pushing on. I ended up burning 1000 calories in around 2 hours 20 minutes. Of course there were lots of breaks in-between exercises in my 2 hours 2 minutes at the gym.
Afterwards I headed up, showered and cleaned up and headed to a nail appointment. Nice. After my nails I stopped at the bread store and picked up supplies for my hubby and some delicious Dave’s Killer Bread for me. I then headed to Victoria Secret for their semi-annual sale. Love that! When I finished up it was almost 5 and I was starving!
Somehow driving home I got it in my head that it would be a great decision to stop for frozen yogurt. I had a groupon there that was apparently burning a hole in my purse. It was nice out and suddenly ice cream sounded amazing. I was debating the merits with myself the entire drive. I mean, I was starving and realistically knew ice cream was not going to fill me up, but I wanted it!!! I went to turn into the shopping complex where the ice cream parlor was at and realized I had turned too early. It wasn’t things shopping complex but the next. Damn! So I was going to drive thru the parking lot to the next light. When low and behold I looked up and saw Quizno’s staring at me. I started shaking my head in the car. Yup, I got it universe. Thanks for the not so subtle clue. My Quizno’s sandwich would inevitably be as many calories/points as any ice cream and might actually provide me with nutrition that would make me not starving. Fine, you win I said out loud to the universe and got a sandwich instead.
That was pretty much my Saturday. For some reason Sunday morning I really struggled to do anything. I was damned lazy. We slept in late and then I just sat in my pajamas for the longest time. Finally I decided that I really had to get dressed especially if I was going to accomplish anything. Around 11 or noon or so I changed into workout clothes. I was thinking that perhaps just being in my clothes would make me want to exercise. It took a long while but eventually I did drag my body to the gym with the promise that I really didn’t have to do too much if I didn’t feel like it. I always end up doing more than I plan but if I really didn’t feel it I didn’t have to stay.
I started by getting on the stair climber and pumping out 20 minutes, 100 floors climbed. Then I felt great. Go Figure! I really wanted to get in some more arm work and went to one of the little rooms and got out a bosu ball. I combined lots of the exercises I had done the previous day with some from the class I took Thursday night. I honestly can say I kicked my own ass. I did more of the free weight movements on my own than I have done in a long time. My arms actually kind of hurt today. I wasn’t quite ready to be finished yet so I did a 5 K run on treadmill. I ended up blasting 800 calories and calling it good. Um Sunday afternoons are DEAD at the gym. DEAD I tell you. Kind of nice actually. There were like 10 people in the whole place.
Afterwards I was hungry so I was going to stop for a Jamba Juice but instead saw a Big Town Hero on the way and was like hell yes. Lately I have had a huge aversion to Subway. The bread just doesn’t taste good to me and of course I think their veggies are just not fresh. I will try any sandwich shop other than Subway. I mean, sometimes you just have to Subway because of availability but it’s not that great. I loved my Big Town Hero sandwich and felt satisfied. When I got home I did a few domestics and then since I was still in my workout clothes decided to take Molly for a walk to the school nearby. We were walking and then I just started running. I ended up running most of the way with Molly. She was a tired doggie :) Blasted another 150 calories and called it good. Showered and waited for Chris to get home.
That is pretty much my entire weekend in a nutshell. Oh yeah, watched The Miss USA Pageant last night on TV. I mean, I felt old. Those girls were all like 20. Wow. But I saw me some Bob Harper who is like the best. Anyway. Now I’m back at it today and tonight I have a 5:30 meeting with my trainer at the gym. We are going to take measurements and do a fitness assessment or something like that. I don’t know, I just show up and let it happen to me. But I feel less stressed about it after having a little one on one this weekend. Yes, it wasn’t with my trainer but it was still good to give me an idea. I don’t think we are actually going to be working out tonight. I am going to go in workout clothes obviously and will maybe do something light at the gym. I am not sure we will see.
I’m looking forward to another strong healthy week. This weekend will be more challenging. There will be a party at my mom’s house Saturday to celebrate my brother in law’s college graduation and there will be cheesecake and pulled pork. I will be fine. But it just means I need to put in a solid week which I have every intention of doing. Woot Woot. Who is this strong post vacation girl??? That’s right, me! Okay, that was lame. I’m just so surprised with myself that I can’t help but feel a little good. Here I am back on track and that feels encouraging. I now feel like I can live my life, have a drink or okay like 20, and then still get it back together. That makes this lifestyle more long term manageable for me. I can’t spend my entire life not eating cupcakes or drinking margaritas. It won’t happen. But if that can happen and I can still come back and exercise and eat healthy the rest of the time then I can do this forever. Maui 2013 has finally taught me that.
Anyway, I need to get back to work now. This ended up being an extremely long post. Ooops… Monday’s suck. There, I said it. I hate Monday’s.!
Let’s start with Friday. I did not exercise. Since I got home last Tuesday I exercised Tuesday; Wednesday and Thursday. I also knew that Saturday and Sunday would more than likely include lots of exercise so I purposely took Friday off. I think this was a good decision on my part. Hubby has been sick; like flu kind of sick so he was home Friday and by the time I came home he was craving some out of the house time. He did not feel great but good enough that he needed some fresh air. We ended up going to Costco to do a walk around. When I say a walk around these trips always inevitably end up costing me like $100. Oops. It’s so easy to do when every time is in such large quantity that it costs $10 or so. Only a few times and suddenly you find yourself with $100 cart. Anyhow, my cart looked great. I got apple slices, raspberries, mushrooms and a big 24 pack of Monster energy drinks. Here’s the thing; I know they are not great or “healthy” by any account but I like them and honestly if that is my worst habit than I am okay with it. Baby steps right.
Chris was starving and needed a snack so we ended up looking at the granola bar type things. He opted for a Nature Valley peanut thing which was healthier than many of the other options but not something I would consume because of content. My husband is just a naturally thin guy; always has been. He doesn’t fluxuate like me. He’s been pretty solidly consistent the entire time I’ve known him. In those same 9 years I’ve lost and gained 75 pounds like 4 times. Ha. Anyway, I did get some Lara bars. Um… why has no one ever told me how amazing these bars are??? I guess I have been living under a rock or something. We got an 18 count box for like $16 I think. I knew they were healthy and all but boy were they delicious. There were 3 kinds in the box and I loved them all. I am going to go to the grocery store and buy other flavors. I am in love with the simplicity of them. The ingredients are amazing, really just fruit and nuts. In terms of weight watchers points they are slightly high but in terms of health and nutrition I think they are spot on. We need to eat less processed crap in our lives and these bars have none of that.
In terms of Phase 2 of my life plan which is to be healthy and happy I think these bars are a great fit. I really appreciate the lack of ingredients I can’t even pronounce. That has to count for something right? I am going to treat them as they are, a very good for you snack and not worry so much about the other information because of the quality.
Anyway, Saturday morning I had every intention of going to the gym at 9 AM for cardio kickboxing. When I went to the gym Thursday night there was a sign up when I walked in saying the class had just been added. I’m like sure, I’m up for it. Somehow Saturday morning I overslept and when I looked at the clock it was 8:30… Oops. Holy Shit. I went into get up and act fast mode. I literally got dressed, grabbed some food to go and headed out the door. I made it to the gym by 8:55 which isn’t bad. Low and behold when I went to put my name on the sign-up sheet I was the only one. The instructor, a nice cute fun little girl came over to me and we started chatting. We were hoping someone else would show up I guess.
Eventually my newly hired trainer came into the gym and over to us and the instructor asked her what she should do because I was the only one who signed up. There was discussion and finally it was determined that the girl could do a personal 30 minute 1 on 1 training with me. So she asked if I was up for it and I’m thinking um… I just paid a shit load of money for one on one trainings so yes, I’ll take it. We went to the group class room and instead of doing anything kickbox related the girl kicked my ass. Okay, we did a little circuit type training with lots of weights and mountain climbers and burpies. It was killer. My arms were shaking. Obviously not in great arm strength here. I was actually totally impressed despite being utterly tired from having just literally woken up not too long beforehand. I felt a huge high which gives me so much hope and anticipation for my own personal training sessions.
It was hard work and by the time it was done; I was ready for it to be done but I felt amazing. Of course I was not even close to done with the gym. I had a whole day all to myself and I was going to use it how I saw fit. I wanted to run. I did not run Thursday night at the gym and I took Friday off so I felt like a good run. I ran for 45 minutes or so I don’t exactly remember and around 4 ½ to 5 miles. It felt good. I felt happy. I did some other machines and I kept pushing on. I ended up burning 1000 calories in around 2 hours 20 minutes. Of course there were lots of breaks in-between exercises in my 2 hours 2 minutes at the gym.
Afterwards I headed up, showered and cleaned up and headed to a nail appointment. Nice. After my nails I stopped at the bread store and picked up supplies for my hubby and some delicious Dave’s Killer Bread for me. I then headed to Victoria Secret for their semi-annual sale. Love that! When I finished up it was almost 5 and I was starving!
Somehow driving home I got it in my head that it would be a great decision to stop for frozen yogurt. I had a groupon there that was apparently burning a hole in my purse. It was nice out and suddenly ice cream sounded amazing. I was debating the merits with myself the entire drive. I mean, I was starving and realistically knew ice cream was not going to fill me up, but I wanted it!!! I went to turn into the shopping complex where the ice cream parlor was at and realized I had turned too early. It wasn’t things shopping complex but the next. Damn! So I was going to drive thru the parking lot to the next light. When low and behold I looked up and saw Quizno’s staring at me. I started shaking my head in the car. Yup, I got it universe. Thanks for the not so subtle clue. My Quizno’s sandwich would inevitably be as many calories/points as any ice cream and might actually provide me with nutrition that would make me not starving. Fine, you win I said out loud to the universe and got a sandwich instead.
That was pretty much my Saturday. For some reason Sunday morning I really struggled to do anything. I was damned lazy. We slept in late and then I just sat in my pajamas for the longest time. Finally I decided that I really had to get dressed especially if I was going to accomplish anything. Around 11 or noon or so I changed into workout clothes. I was thinking that perhaps just being in my clothes would make me want to exercise. It took a long while but eventually I did drag my body to the gym with the promise that I really didn’t have to do too much if I didn’t feel like it. I always end up doing more than I plan but if I really didn’t feel it I didn’t have to stay.
I started by getting on the stair climber and pumping out 20 minutes, 100 floors climbed. Then I felt great. Go Figure! I really wanted to get in some more arm work and went to one of the little rooms and got out a bosu ball. I combined lots of the exercises I had done the previous day with some from the class I took Thursday night. I honestly can say I kicked my own ass. I did more of the free weight movements on my own than I have done in a long time. My arms actually kind of hurt today. I wasn’t quite ready to be finished yet so I did a 5 K run on treadmill. I ended up blasting 800 calories and calling it good. Um Sunday afternoons are DEAD at the gym. DEAD I tell you. Kind of nice actually. There were like 10 people in the whole place.
Afterwards I was hungry so I was going to stop for a Jamba Juice but instead saw a Big Town Hero on the way and was like hell yes. Lately I have had a huge aversion to Subway. The bread just doesn’t taste good to me and of course I think their veggies are just not fresh. I will try any sandwich shop other than Subway. I mean, sometimes you just have to Subway because of availability but it’s not that great. I loved my Big Town Hero sandwich and felt satisfied. When I got home I did a few domestics and then since I was still in my workout clothes decided to take Molly for a walk to the school nearby. We were walking and then I just started running. I ended up running most of the way with Molly. She was a tired doggie :) Blasted another 150 calories and called it good. Showered and waited for Chris to get home.
That is pretty much my entire weekend in a nutshell. Oh yeah, watched The Miss USA Pageant last night on TV. I mean, I felt old. Those girls were all like 20. Wow. But I saw me some Bob Harper who is like the best. Anyway. Now I’m back at it today and tonight I have a 5:30 meeting with my trainer at the gym. We are going to take measurements and do a fitness assessment or something like that. I don’t know, I just show up and let it happen to me. But I feel less stressed about it after having a little one on one this weekend. Yes, it wasn’t with my trainer but it was still good to give me an idea. I don’t think we are actually going to be working out tonight. I am going to go in workout clothes obviously and will maybe do something light at the gym. I am not sure we will see.
I’m looking forward to another strong healthy week. This weekend will be more challenging. There will be a party at my mom’s house Saturday to celebrate my brother in law’s college graduation and there will be cheesecake and pulled pork. I will be fine. But it just means I need to put in a solid week which I have every intention of doing. Woot Woot. Who is this strong post vacation girl??? That’s right, me! Okay, that was lame. I’m just so surprised with myself that I can’t help but feel a little good. Here I am back on track and that feels encouraging. I now feel like I can live my life, have a drink or okay like 20, and then still get it back together. That makes this lifestyle more long term manageable for me. I can’t spend my entire life not eating cupcakes or drinking margaritas. It won’t happen. But if that can happen and I can still come back and exercise and eat healthy the rest of the time then I can do this forever. Maui 2013 has finally taught me that.
Anyway, I need to get back to work now. This ended up being an extremely long post. Ooops… Monday’s suck. There, I said it. I hate Monday’s.!
Friday, June 14, 2013
At the Crossroads
Today or rather yesterday; okay at this point in my journey I find myself at a crossroads. This is the exact same place I have stood many times before. If I try and analyze my history which ultimately proves to never be a very smart thing for me, I can say that I have gained a whole bunch of weight and lost a whole bunch of weight pretty much to this point of goal 3 previous times. This is my fourth go round of weight loss in 9 years. Clearly we can say that I could be classified as the quintessential yo-yo dieter. And we are talking large amounts of weight too. Irrelevant. The point is; I am standing in the same spot I’ve stood for the 4th time and see up ahead on my path a dead stop in the road with two paths to walk down. My own personal crossroads as you will.
One of those paths is one I have walked down many times before. 3 previous times to be exact. It feels like a comfortable road because I have traveled it for so long. The road is one where I continue down the same journey I’ve been on and get the same results I’ve always gotten. For a while I will be good and diligent. For a while I will fluxuate between periods of eating healthy and being focused and then at other points things will start to slip. The challenges will be gone, the motivation will waiver. Ultimately some amount of undo stress will cause me to not care and in years’ time I will most likely be right back at that start of the path. WAY back at the beginning. I have traveled this road and it makes a big U-turn. It is a deceptive giant circle right back around to the beginning. I have been on this continuous loop for 9 years and while multiple times I have come to the crossroad; that point in the circle where I could actually pull out of the loop I have never done it. Why? Fear perhaps. Inability to recognize my own loop maybe?
Here I stand once again at the point where I can pull myself off the continuous loop I’ve always traveled upon and make a different decision. It is scary and frightening and exhilarating all rolled up into one. I have no idea where this new road will lead. Perhaps to its own loop; perhaps not. But the thing is, it’s a different choice than I’ve ever taken before. It’s a different path that I have NEVER walked down before. It took me 9 years to realize that in order to really be the person I want to become I have to get off the path I’ve always traveled down.
Yesterday I took the first step towards a new path. After making the decision I kind of had a mini freak out and instantly wasn’t sure if this was the right step or not (I tend to have to really let things resonate for a while before I can be comfortable with any decision) Spontaneity is not my friend!
Last night I signed my life away and now belong to the gym. Ha. Basically I put my signature on a million lines indicating that I am now fully committed for 1 year of personal training sessions, weekly. It is a huge commitment. It is a lot of money monthly to be charged to my credit card. It is a big responsibility and one that I do not take lightly.
But I’m standing at that fork in the road where I can travel the path I’ve walked a million times or actually be brave. That is a hard thing for me. I can actually walk the walk that I always talk about. It is not going to be easy. I am not going to be great at it which scares me unto itself. It is going to be hard and I am certain there will be days where I will regret the decision a million times over; but if I want different results than I’ve always gotten I have to make a different choice than I’ve always made.
I knew this time was different for me and I had to really commit to myself to prove it. At first I was completely freaked by the year commitment. I still am actually but why should that scare me? Am I afraid that I won’t want to do this for the next year? Um... really? I can’t commit to a year when I am talking in terms of knowing I have to do this forever? I don’t love strength training. I much prefer my safe and secure cardio running. Well, if I really end up not loving anything else I can do my weekly sessions of strength with my trainer and then go back to my boring same old cardio routine the rest of the time. At least this will guarantee me one strength training session a week. And let’s be honest I know in my heart I need it. I also know in my heart that I probably won’t hate it. And I am certain that after time I will start to love and appreciate the results.
My trainer keeps telling me how awesome I’m going to look and how much of a difference I am going to see. I just have to sit back and put my faith in someone else which is entirely hard for me to do on this journey. This is what I know. In order for me to lose weight I sweat my ass off. I run. That is the best most sweat inducing thing I can do. I burn tons of calories. We all know calories equal pounds. Its basic fundamentals. I can’t get my brain out of the mindset that in order to keep my weight I have to burn massive calories by running. My trainer looked at me after I signed on the dotted line and said, “You know I’m not going to tell you its okay to run as much as you do.” Umm…. Okay. This frightens me. I love running. I tried to counter to her that it’s more about just getting on a treadmill to burn calories. It has moved beyond that for me at this point. It’s about the clarity and strength I feel and how I find myself in running. I will never give it up. I love it so much. But perhaps I could and should put my faith in the educated professional who tells me that there is more to this fitness world than a good run. I know this.
My brain is not stupid. It understands that building strength will not only make me feel better and look better that ultimately it should help my running even. If that truly were my goal. She said I was a rare breed who comes into a trainer already knowing what hard work is about and how to sweat and now she gets to channel that into building my strength. I’m not going to lie I was completely frightened. Yes, I know how to work hard. Yes, I know how to run for an hour and DRIP sweat. I know how to push myself past my limits but I am also weak at the same time.
She said that we will do my body fat again that it’s around 25-26 percent body fat right now and she easily thinks our goal is going to be get my body fat to 20%. Ugh… I kind of choked because that seems really low. One step at a time. I guess I have a year huh! I have to remind myself this is what I wanted. This is what I did to myself because I needed a new challenge and if I can’t commit to a year of this lifestyle than I have no business even writing on this blog at all.
Yes this is all completely out of my comfort zone. Yes, this scares the shit out of me. More for fear of failure. I hate failing and right now I’m afraid I will fail. But it is absurd. You can’t fail if you don’t try and as long as you are trying you are never failing. My form sucks, like in my technique so I guess that all has to be worked on. Ugh… what have I done?
I can’t help but that that in a couple months’ time even I will look back at this moment, at this blog post as a pivotal point in my journey. As a turning point really. I hope anyway that is the case. That I can call this period of time when it all FINALLY changed for me. When I made a different choice. This is the time when I normally quit and instead I am going to move full speed ahead down a new path.
For the record I did not intend to sign up yesterday but as soon as I walked into the gym she was talking to me. Pre Maui I had told her that after I got back from vacation I was going to sign up. In all fairness she didn’t bombard me, but she was talking to my mom and I walked over to them and chatted for a while and then she was like, “So, are you ready to sign up for your personal training?” I really know it’s now or never and I am going to choose me. I am very happy with my health and fitness right now and am finally ready to go to that next level; as scary as that actually is for me.
I feel comfortable at the gym. I feel happy and excited there and I think that is important. Last night I ended up doing a ½ hour butts and guts class, which I sucked at! But whatever, and then I did about 20 minutes of Zumba before meeting with my new trainer to set things up. My first official assessment workout with measurements and such is scheduled for Monday night at 5:30. I do ultimately think this is the right thing for me. If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you? Right! I’m ready for the challenge. But more importantly I’m ready to take a new path. I want to be that healthy, happy, strong girl for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the yo-yo’er any more. Today I am proud of my decisions. So sit back and get ready for the next phase of my journey and my ramblings about it. Because I am not going anywhere!
One of those paths is one I have walked down many times before. 3 previous times to be exact. It feels like a comfortable road because I have traveled it for so long. The road is one where I continue down the same journey I’ve been on and get the same results I’ve always gotten. For a while I will be good and diligent. For a while I will fluxuate between periods of eating healthy and being focused and then at other points things will start to slip. The challenges will be gone, the motivation will waiver. Ultimately some amount of undo stress will cause me to not care and in years’ time I will most likely be right back at that start of the path. WAY back at the beginning. I have traveled this road and it makes a big U-turn. It is a deceptive giant circle right back around to the beginning. I have been on this continuous loop for 9 years and while multiple times I have come to the crossroad; that point in the circle where I could actually pull out of the loop I have never done it. Why? Fear perhaps. Inability to recognize my own loop maybe?
Here I stand once again at the point where I can pull myself off the continuous loop I’ve always traveled upon and make a different decision. It is scary and frightening and exhilarating all rolled up into one. I have no idea where this new road will lead. Perhaps to its own loop; perhaps not. But the thing is, it’s a different choice than I’ve ever taken before. It’s a different path that I have NEVER walked down before. It took me 9 years to realize that in order to really be the person I want to become I have to get off the path I’ve always traveled down.
Yesterday I took the first step towards a new path. After making the decision I kind of had a mini freak out and instantly wasn’t sure if this was the right step or not (I tend to have to really let things resonate for a while before I can be comfortable with any decision) Spontaneity is not my friend!
Last night I signed my life away and now belong to the gym. Ha. Basically I put my signature on a million lines indicating that I am now fully committed for 1 year of personal training sessions, weekly. It is a huge commitment. It is a lot of money monthly to be charged to my credit card. It is a big responsibility and one that I do not take lightly.
But I’m standing at that fork in the road where I can travel the path I’ve walked a million times or actually be brave. That is a hard thing for me. I can actually walk the walk that I always talk about. It is not going to be easy. I am not going to be great at it which scares me unto itself. It is going to be hard and I am certain there will be days where I will regret the decision a million times over; but if I want different results than I’ve always gotten I have to make a different choice than I’ve always made.
I knew this time was different for me and I had to really commit to myself to prove it. At first I was completely freaked by the year commitment. I still am actually but why should that scare me? Am I afraid that I won’t want to do this for the next year? Um... really? I can’t commit to a year when I am talking in terms of knowing I have to do this forever? I don’t love strength training. I much prefer my safe and secure cardio running. Well, if I really end up not loving anything else I can do my weekly sessions of strength with my trainer and then go back to my boring same old cardio routine the rest of the time. At least this will guarantee me one strength training session a week. And let’s be honest I know in my heart I need it. I also know in my heart that I probably won’t hate it. And I am certain that after time I will start to love and appreciate the results.
My trainer keeps telling me how awesome I’m going to look and how much of a difference I am going to see. I just have to sit back and put my faith in someone else which is entirely hard for me to do on this journey. This is what I know. In order for me to lose weight I sweat my ass off. I run. That is the best most sweat inducing thing I can do. I burn tons of calories. We all know calories equal pounds. Its basic fundamentals. I can’t get my brain out of the mindset that in order to keep my weight I have to burn massive calories by running. My trainer looked at me after I signed on the dotted line and said, “You know I’m not going to tell you its okay to run as much as you do.” Umm…. Okay. This frightens me. I love running. I tried to counter to her that it’s more about just getting on a treadmill to burn calories. It has moved beyond that for me at this point. It’s about the clarity and strength I feel and how I find myself in running. I will never give it up. I love it so much. But perhaps I could and should put my faith in the educated professional who tells me that there is more to this fitness world than a good run. I know this.
My brain is not stupid. It understands that building strength will not only make me feel better and look better that ultimately it should help my running even. If that truly were my goal. She said I was a rare breed who comes into a trainer already knowing what hard work is about and how to sweat and now she gets to channel that into building my strength. I’m not going to lie I was completely frightened. Yes, I know how to work hard. Yes, I know how to run for an hour and DRIP sweat. I know how to push myself past my limits but I am also weak at the same time.
She said that we will do my body fat again that it’s around 25-26 percent body fat right now and she easily thinks our goal is going to be get my body fat to 20%. Ugh… I kind of choked because that seems really low. One step at a time. I guess I have a year huh! I have to remind myself this is what I wanted. This is what I did to myself because I needed a new challenge and if I can’t commit to a year of this lifestyle than I have no business even writing on this blog at all.
Yes this is all completely out of my comfort zone. Yes, this scares the shit out of me. More for fear of failure. I hate failing and right now I’m afraid I will fail. But it is absurd. You can’t fail if you don’t try and as long as you are trying you are never failing. My form sucks, like in my technique so I guess that all has to be worked on. Ugh… what have I done?
I can’t help but that that in a couple months’ time even I will look back at this moment, at this blog post as a pivotal point in my journey. As a turning point really. I hope anyway that is the case. That I can call this period of time when it all FINALLY changed for me. When I made a different choice. This is the time when I normally quit and instead I am going to move full speed ahead down a new path.
For the record I did not intend to sign up yesterday but as soon as I walked into the gym she was talking to me. Pre Maui I had told her that after I got back from vacation I was going to sign up. In all fairness she didn’t bombard me, but she was talking to my mom and I walked over to them and chatted for a while and then she was like, “So, are you ready to sign up for your personal training?” I really know it’s now or never and I am going to choose me. I am very happy with my health and fitness right now and am finally ready to go to that next level; as scary as that actually is for me.
I feel comfortable at the gym. I feel happy and excited there and I think that is important. Last night I ended up doing a ½ hour butts and guts class, which I sucked at! But whatever, and then I did about 20 minutes of Zumba before meeting with my new trainer to set things up. My first official assessment workout with measurements and such is scheduled for Monday night at 5:30. I do ultimately think this is the right thing for me. If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you? Right! I’m ready for the challenge. But more importantly I’m ready to take a new path. I want to be that healthy, happy, strong girl for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the yo-yo’er any more. Today I am proud of my decisions. So sit back and get ready for the next phase of my journey and my ramblings about it. Because I am not going anywhere!
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Just another day
The thing about life is, it just seems to go on doesn’t it? No matter what we do the days just go by and time ticks on. It’s suddenly June 13, almost half way thru the month. Not quite but close enough. With that said; why is there still rain in Oregon? I am not particularly happy about this fact. I was really hoping that after I returned from the blissful sun of Maui that Oregon would at least be in the 70’s. I look at my little forecast and it does say Friday to Sunday is supposed to be in the 70’s with some sun. Then it’s back to rain. For the record, it’s raining today. Depressing! Perhaps I need to relocate to a more sun driven environment but alas I would miss my family too much. And I do love Oregon, just wish there was a little more sun to go with all the doom and gloom.
It’s on to day 3 of clean eating for me. Two days have been successful and actually I already feel so much better. My exercise has been a little rough. Well, I did manage another 6.25 mile run last night. But it WAS much harder than the previous night. I knew this would happen; but I’m certain this happens whether I’ve had a 10 day break of just a 1 day break. It wasn’t unmanageable. The only place where I notice the 10 day break is in my body’s ability to recover. Runs don’t usually leave me sore or tried like they have the last 2 days. I feel it in this one area in particular and it’s making me batty. Running does NOT do this to me. Oh well; haven’t we all learned that being sore means we are working and that is always a good thing!
With all the said I think it’s a good thing that my plan is to go to the gym tonight. I am nervous but that’s mainly because I have a slight case of social anxiety in general and have these pervasive feelings of not fitting in, like anywhere. Yup total basket case here. I know I like this gym and do feel comfortable but after not being there for like 13 days it is going to take some real strength to get myself to walk in the doors. Oh, I have it, but it still will be hard. It’s also probably a really good idea to get to the gym to work out some different muscles. I need to do some stair climber probably and some arm weight machines. Besides my legs could probably use a little break. 12.4 miles in the last two days is probably enough. Except I might run a quick little warm up tonight to get the old heart rate up. I just won’t run an hour’s worth tonight, that’s all.
I have to say I am feeling quite comfortable and happy with my decision to not weigh myself for a while. I truly feel like this is the key to my ability to rebound from my vacation. I suspect that damage was probably not as terrible as I initially thought as I am feeling comfortable and confident in my body once again. But nonetheless, the lack of focusing on the scale really does take the importance out of that silly number. I think it is a wonderful tool for measurement when you are really trying to actively lose weight. When I am merely trying to somewhat maintain or lose just a little or “get strong”, it’s just a stupidly frustrating endeavor.
This is what I know. I was right around 141 pounds when I left for vacation. I was happy and proud of what I had done. My body is not perfect. I am unhappy with certain things about it, but I am certain that no matter what I weighed I would be unhappy with certain things as I believe most women are. If somehow the scale said 146 pounds today would that really matter all that much? Supposedly our weight fluctuates by a normal 5 pounds most of the time anyway. I suspect whatever number it says would mess with my mind and ultimately be completely irrelevant.
A funny thing happens to me. I feel more at peace and behave in a more healthful way when I am not obsessing about the scale. When my focus is simply on eating healthy and doing good for my body I am happier and more productive. I really am pretty comfortable with going to a weigh in of at least every other week if not monthly. So long as I am still eating healthy. That is the key.
I have to run to the grocery store again today on my lunch. I need to pick up more Greek yogurt. I have been going thru it like there’s no end. It is so delicious and so great with fresh fruit! And I want to get some more fresh fruit’s as well. It is what is keeping me going during my 10 day detox. I have an intense craving for some fresh raspberries. I saw a recipe on pinterest that I am thinking about making which says a lot because I just don’t cook; ha! It is fresh eggplant cut in half and then put a little cheese and canadian bacon on the top and bake in the oven and then put fresh marinara sauce on the top. Like a fresh pizza of sorts. I am thinking about getting the eggplant at the store. We will see.
Ah, I think that’s about it for this morning. It’s getting to be lunch time and I have got work errands to run. Hope everyone has an amazing day!
It’s on to day 3 of clean eating for me. Two days have been successful and actually I already feel so much better. My exercise has been a little rough. Well, I did manage another 6.25 mile run last night. But it WAS much harder than the previous night. I knew this would happen; but I’m certain this happens whether I’ve had a 10 day break of just a 1 day break. It wasn’t unmanageable. The only place where I notice the 10 day break is in my body’s ability to recover. Runs don’t usually leave me sore or tried like they have the last 2 days. I feel it in this one area in particular and it’s making me batty. Running does NOT do this to me. Oh well; haven’t we all learned that being sore means we are working and that is always a good thing!
With all the said I think it’s a good thing that my plan is to go to the gym tonight. I am nervous but that’s mainly because I have a slight case of social anxiety in general and have these pervasive feelings of not fitting in, like anywhere. Yup total basket case here. I know I like this gym and do feel comfortable but after not being there for like 13 days it is going to take some real strength to get myself to walk in the doors. Oh, I have it, but it still will be hard. It’s also probably a really good idea to get to the gym to work out some different muscles. I need to do some stair climber probably and some arm weight machines. Besides my legs could probably use a little break. 12.4 miles in the last two days is probably enough. Except I might run a quick little warm up tonight to get the old heart rate up. I just won’t run an hour’s worth tonight, that’s all.
I have to say I am feeling quite comfortable and happy with my decision to not weigh myself for a while. I truly feel like this is the key to my ability to rebound from my vacation. I suspect that damage was probably not as terrible as I initially thought as I am feeling comfortable and confident in my body once again. But nonetheless, the lack of focusing on the scale really does take the importance out of that silly number. I think it is a wonderful tool for measurement when you are really trying to actively lose weight. When I am merely trying to somewhat maintain or lose just a little or “get strong”, it’s just a stupidly frustrating endeavor.
This is what I know. I was right around 141 pounds when I left for vacation. I was happy and proud of what I had done. My body is not perfect. I am unhappy with certain things about it, but I am certain that no matter what I weighed I would be unhappy with certain things as I believe most women are. If somehow the scale said 146 pounds today would that really matter all that much? Supposedly our weight fluctuates by a normal 5 pounds most of the time anyway. I suspect whatever number it says would mess with my mind and ultimately be completely irrelevant.
A funny thing happens to me. I feel more at peace and behave in a more healthful way when I am not obsessing about the scale. When my focus is simply on eating healthy and doing good for my body I am happier and more productive. I really am pretty comfortable with going to a weigh in of at least every other week if not monthly. So long as I am still eating healthy. That is the key.
I have to run to the grocery store again today on my lunch. I need to pick up more Greek yogurt. I have been going thru it like there’s no end. It is so delicious and so great with fresh fruit! And I want to get some more fresh fruit’s as well. It is what is keeping me going during my 10 day detox. I have an intense craving for some fresh raspberries. I saw a recipe on pinterest that I am thinking about making which says a lot because I just don’t cook; ha! It is fresh eggplant cut in half and then put a little cheese and canadian bacon on the top and bake in the oven and then put fresh marinara sauce on the top. Like a fresh pizza of sorts. I am thinking about getting the eggplant at the store. We will see.
Ah, I think that’s about it for this morning. It’s getting to be lunch time and I have got work errands to run. Hope everyone has an amazing day!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
This time its different
Today is Wednesday so I guess the nice thing about not working on a Monday is suddenly with little effort you find yourself at the half way point in the week. Officially the half-way point is not for a few hours but technicalities I guess. Of course I still feel like I’m playing catch up in all aspects of my life and will probably feel that way until at least this weekend when I actually have some spare time to maybe catch up. I say maybe because inevitably what ends up happening is that I just fill my days with other things and don’t do the things that I should do to “catch up”…. Either way I’m quite looking forward to Saturday. Chris has tomorrow and Friday off and then this weekend my mom and sister are leaving to go to my brother in laws college graduation. I declined to go because I knew I would have massive amounts of “catch up” to get done. This basically means I shall have a free weekend to actually clean dirty clothes, organize and clear off my kitchen counter which is full of odds and ends from Maui. I need to put those suitcases back up in the attic because unfortunately I won’t be needing them anytime soon.
Anyway I lost track of my point. I think the point is its Wednesday and I’m getting closer to surviving the first few days back at work post vacation. Those are always the worst aren’t they? Despite knowing it’s not even a possibility I always have that weird sensation that when you come back somehow they won’t want you to come back. Like somehow in your absence they will discover they don’t really need you anymore. Am I the only one who feels that way? Like I said, I don’t even think that was ever a real concern but I always feel like it could be…. So entirely stupid. At least a solid day in I feel like my job is secure, even if I still have a pile of work to do and instead am writing this post. Perhaps that is where my insecurities lie. Whatever.
Yesterday I was totally 100% on track and that is a great feeling. So much so that last night in the car I actually said to myself, “I’ve got this. I am going to be fine.” And I meant it. I guess that was always a big fear for me too because as my friend Theresa said in a comment yesterday, post Maui vacation has always been the time when I lost it. I have a solid pattern I can plainly see now. It is a 2 year pattern, cycle, rinse, repeat. Gain weight. Lose weight. Work my ass off to get to goal, go to Maui, indulge excessively, return and never get back on track, gain the weight back and start all over again. This is the third time this cycle has come to fruition. Of course, I knew in my heart pre Maui that this time was different and I definitely know now this time won’t be like all the others.
Something about this whole thing has finally clicked in my head and I identified my pattern before going to Maui and put in every possible safe guard to prevent a return from Maui and a continued spiral. I knew 2013 Maui would be different because I exercised leading up to Maui. I even ran the day before vacation. There has been not time previously where this has occurred. And of course; the day after my return I am back at it. Just as I should be. That is growth I think. Or at least proof that I’ve figured something out. Sure Maui itself was still an indulgence-fest but that was okay with me. Honestly we ate out like all the time. I mean, what else are you supposed to do? And I drank a lot and I had desserts. But I enjoyed myself and that was the whole damned point of going on vacation anyway.
Yesterday I remained as “clean” as I possibly could in my eating and actually tracked my food for the first time in months. I had lots of yogurt and fruit to get me thru the day. I had a post run smoothie of Greek yogurt/water/tropical fruits. I had chicken and avocado for dinner with corn on the cob. As clean of a day as I’m going to get. And I felt better.
I am not going to lie I was beyond freaked out to run. Mostly because I was afraid my body wouldn’t be able to keep up with my normal pace. I was afraid I had weakened it. Last night I immediately got on my treadmill and decided to just go for it. The first couple minutes were okay, the next couple minutes I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to complete my hour and then somewhere around minute 10 or so I got my pace going and got into my steady groove. I sweated which is what I wanted. I ran for 62 minute and did a solid 6.2 miles. Notice how I always like to try and run in increments of significant running distances. 6.2 is (2) 5 k’s or I guess a 10k run. It’s like God forbid I stopped at 6 miles, I better run that extra .2. Ha.
So now the truth is I’m actually more worried about running today because there’s always that initial high and excitement and ability after you’ve given your body time off. Day 2 can get a little rougher. Regardless, I will run again tonight at home. Then tomorrow, Thursday, I am going to go back to the gym. I want one more day of a solid sweat session of running and then I will venture back to the gym Thursday night to mix it up. I think this is a solid plan for me.
Of course today it’s more clean eating. When I set goals for myself I always accomplish them (within reason of course). I committed to 10 days of clean healthy eating and I’m going to do it. Not that I won’t continue to eat solid and clean and healthy; but it’s just that I am doing a bit of a body detox for 10 days. I think somehow I feel like if I binged for 10 days of crap the counterbalance to that would be 10 days of perfect health. Whatever, it’s a good idea in theory.
I can look back at this blog right here, and while I didn’t post that frequently over the past four years something did not escape my attention and fear prior to Maui. If you go back to June 0f 2009 there are 3 whole whopping posts. One that says a brief synopsis of my first Maui vacation with my husband 4 years ago. Then like a week later you find a post that says I’ve been eating like a horrible pig post Maui and then a week AFTER that you see a post with a photo of the floorboard of my car a couple weeks post Maui full of crap food. This is the last post for a long while, over a year, because I never got my shit back together. I went to Maui; had a great time, ate like a pig, and couldn’t break the cycle afterwards. The reality of this did not escape my mind.
I am so glad that there is not and will not be a post like that this time. I’m so glad my first post back was a plan of action. It was about how I was and will eat clean and exercise. I am not the girl I once was. I have truly learned from my past and will not repeat this particular mistake over again. I am the new me and I love her. She can go on vacation and get herself back in action.
I am going to go to the gym tomorrow night and plan on hitting it up this weekend in all of my leisure time to myself. I will probably at this point try and meet with the personal trainer to set something up. Pay for it. Ugh. Generally the money doesn’t bother me but after spending 10 days in Hawaii I spent way too much money of course and am feeling a little conservative about wanting to spend money, but the trainer is worth it; I know. It’s fine…. It’s only money. It’s not the most important thing in the world. I’m always telling my ultra-fiscally conservative husband that it’s just money, so many things matter more than money. I need to take my own advice.
Anyhow, I guess the thing is if I can do it; anyone can. Yes I have a crazy chip in my brain but I am one of the most notorious bingers and abusers of the yo-yo diet cycle. If I can break the cycle anyone can. I’ve been on this roller coaster for almost 10 years. Seriously been almost 10 freaking years and if I can finally figure out some of my triggers than there really is hope for everyone. I mean I’ve done this pretty much by myself. By myself with the help of this online world. I didn’t go to a single weight watchers meeting. I didn’t previously meet with any trainers or doctors. This was all me finally figuring it out. That is a huge step.
I downloaded my photos off my cameras with my pictures from Maui. Boy its going to be a long process to sort thru those and crop the images and actually get them ready. I also want to make a scrapbook so that’s part of my to do list as well. So much to do; so little time. Maybe this weekend I will actually write out my Maui recap. That might be one I need to sit down and focus to do. In the meantime, here are some photos…
Anyway I lost track of my point. I think the point is its Wednesday and I’m getting closer to surviving the first few days back at work post vacation. Those are always the worst aren’t they? Despite knowing it’s not even a possibility I always have that weird sensation that when you come back somehow they won’t want you to come back. Like somehow in your absence they will discover they don’t really need you anymore. Am I the only one who feels that way? Like I said, I don’t even think that was ever a real concern but I always feel like it could be…. So entirely stupid. At least a solid day in I feel like my job is secure, even if I still have a pile of work to do and instead am writing this post. Perhaps that is where my insecurities lie. Whatever.
Yesterday I was totally 100% on track and that is a great feeling. So much so that last night in the car I actually said to myself, “I’ve got this. I am going to be fine.” And I meant it. I guess that was always a big fear for me too because as my friend Theresa said in a comment yesterday, post Maui vacation has always been the time when I lost it. I have a solid pattern I can plainly see now. It is a 2 year pattern, cycle, rinse, repeat. Gain weight. Lose weight. Work my ass off to get to goal, go to Maui, indulge excessively, return and never get back on track, gain the weight back and start all over again. This is the third time this cycle has come to fruition. Of course, I knew in my heart pre Maui that this time was different and I definitely know now this time won’t be like all the others.
Something about this whole thing has finally clicked in my head and I identified my pattern before going to Maui and put in every possible safe guard to prevent a return from Maui and a continued spiral. I knew 2013 Maui would be different because I exercised leading up to Maui. I even ran the day before vacation. There has been not time previously where this has occurred. And of course; the day after my return I am back at it. Just as I should be. That is growth I think. Or at least proof that I’ve figured something out. Sure Maui itself was still an indulgence-fest but that was okay with me. Honestly we ate out like all the time. I mean, what else are you supposed to do? And I drank a lot and I had desserts. But I enjoyed myself and that was the whole damned point of going on vacation anyway.
Yesterday I remained as “clean” as I possibly could in my eating and actually tracked my food for the first time in months. I had lots of yogurt and fruit to get me thru the day. I had a post run smoothie of Greek yogurt/water/tropical fruits. I had chicken and avocado for dinner with corn on the cob. As clean of a day as I’m going to get. And I felt better.
I am not going to lie I was beyond freaked out to run. Mostly because I was afraid my body wouldn’t be able to keep up with my normal pace. I was afraid I had weakened it. Last night I immediately got on my treadmill and decided to just go for it. The first couple minutes were okay, the next couple minutes I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to complete my hour and then somewhere around minute 10 or so I got my pace going and got into my steady groove. I sweated which is what I wanted. I ran for 62 minute and did a solid 6.2 miles. Notice how I always like to try and run in increments of significant running distances. 6.2 is (2) 5 k’s or I guess a 10k run. It’s like God forbid I stopped at 6 miles, I better run that extra .2. Ha.
So now the truth is I’m actually more worried about running today because there’s always that initial high and excitement and ability after you’ve given your body time off. Day 2 can get a little rougher. Regardless, I will run again tonight at home. Then tomorrow, Thursday, I am going to go back to the gym. I want one more day of a solid sweat session of running and then I will venture back to the gym Thursday night to mix it up. I think this is a solid plan for me.
Of course today it’s more clean eating. When I set goals for myself I always accomplish them (within reason of course). I committed to 10 days of clean healthy eating and I’m going to do it. Not that I won’t continue to eat solid and clean and healthy; but it’s just that I am doing a bit of a body detox for 10 days. I think somehow I feel like if I binged for 10 days of crap the counterbalance to that would be 10 days of perfect health. Whatever, it’s a good idea in theory.
I can look back at this blog right here, and while I didn’t post that frequently over the past four years something did not escape my attention and fear prior to Maui. If you go back to June 0f 2009 there are 3 whole whopping posts. One that says a brief synopsis of my first Maui vacation with my husband 4 years ago. Then like a week later you find a post that says I’ve been eating like a horrible pig post Maui and then a week AFTER that you see a post with a photo of the floorboard of my car a couple weeks post Maui full of crap food. This is the last post for a long while, over a year, because I never got my shit back together. I went to Maui; had a great time, ate like a pig, and couldn’t break the cycle afterwards. The reality of this did not escape my mind.
I am so glad that there is not and will not be a post like that this time. I’m so glad my first post back was a plan of action. It was about how I was and will eat clean and exercise. I am not the girl I once was. I have truly learned from my past and will not repeat this particular mistake over again. I am the new me and I love her. She can go on vacation and get herself back in action.
I am going to go to the gym tomorrow night and plan on hitting it up this weekend in all of my leisure time to myself. I will probably at this point try and meet with the personal trainer to set something up. Pay for it. Ugh. Generally the money doesn’t bother me but after spending 10 days in Hawaii I spent way too much money of course and am feeling a little conservative about wanting to spend money, but the trainer is worth it; I know. It’s fine…. It’s only money. It’s not the most important thing in the world. I’m always telling my ultra-fiscally conservative husband that it’s just money, so many things matter more than money. I need to take my own advice.
Anyhow, I guess the thing is if I can do it; anyone can. Yes I have a crazy chip in my brain but I am one of the most notorious bingers and abusers of the yo-yo diet cycle. If I can break the cycle anyone can. I’ve been on this roller coaster for almost 10 years. Seriously been almost 10 freaking years and if I can finally figure out some of my triggers than there really is hope for everyone. I mean I’ve done this pretty much by myself. By myself with the help of this online world. I didn’t go to a single weight watchers meeting. I didn’t previously meet with any trainers or doctors. This was all me finally figuring it out. That is a huge step.
I downloaded my photos off my cameras with my pictures from Maui. Boy its going to be a long process to sort thru those and crop the images and actually get them ready. I also want to make a scrapbook so that’s part of my to do list as well. So much to do; so little time. Maybe this weekend I will actually write out my Maui recap. That might be one I need to sit down and focus to do. In the meantime, here are some photos…
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Phase 2 10 day detox
I’m not going to lie, my last 10 days were a big old utter mess on the food/health front. Hello, I was in Hawaii! And I drank and I ate and things were actually quite awful with food. I make no excuses other than I went for it and I ate like the inner fat girl I am. Yes, my inner girl is a FAT girl. Always will be. I love me some food and candy and sugary sweet tropical drinks; to excess. Yes, there is the key right there, to excess. I can’t ever shake that whole I’m on vacation so I can massively indulge mentality. Right now I am not certain that I want to debate the reasons why despite working my ass off for months prior that all it takes is one little vacation to throw me completely off. At this moment I don’t really care that it happened. It happened. That’s all I can say.
What is more interesting and far more important to me is what I am going to do now. My 10 day trend ended yesterday and as I knew I would, starting today is detox. It is not going to be pretty or easy but it is going to happen (it is presently happening) and I am going to do it. I am giving myself a 10 day detox. Basically this means I vow to eat completely clean and healthy for the next 10 days. It is in part to counter act the last 10 days but truly because I need to get my body off the sugar addiction it’s formed. 10 days of eating completely clean. I will NOT indulge in one little piece of candy or sugar snack. Yes, generally I think that this behavior is fine, but right now it’s a slippery slope and I can’t. So 10 days completely clean. That is how I am rolling.
And now exercise. I can’t lie; I am scared shitless to run tonight. And run I will. Taking off so much time makes me somehow afraid that my body won’t remember how to be physically active and I won’t be able to do what I love to do. And right now part of my body is tricking me into thinking that maybe I didn’t really love it anyway so it’s okay. Stupid sugar in the blood system. Honestly, realistically I know it’s going to be hard. I just have to accept that. So again, I’ve made a mental plan for myself. I am allowing myself the next few days to not go to the gym, instead I will and can go home and run each and every day for the next couple days if that’s what I feel like. I am allowing myself the opportunity to build up my exercise comfort level from my own home before venturing back to the gym. I have no doubt I will go back, but a couple days of at home running wouldn’t be terrible to build up my confidence in myself again.
Next course of action. Executive decision time. I am not weighing myself. I have no doubt I gained weight over the last 10 days. Right now I feel extremely bloated from all the extra foods, but I’m hoping that will pass on its own. With all that said, I am still fine. I look fine. I am not going to torture myself and derail my ability to focus on being healthy again by seeing any number. Quite frankly it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I weigh and I’ll tell you why. I weigh what I weigh. What happened happened and I am not going to beat myself up over it. I went on vacation to Hawaii and I don’t really care what I ate. I might care if today, this very day I wasn’t committed to going right back to what I do while on Oregon ground. But since I am committed to myself and my health I know that whatever damage was done in Hawaii will be undone. That my weight is going to fluxuate anyway so let’s just recommit to health and wellness and everything else will fall into place. I truly believe that.
I will weigh myself on July 1. That is my tentative plan. Give myself 3 weeks to let the chips fall as they may. I had already mentally decided since I am not really actively trying to lose weight anymore that weighing myself weekly would just lead to utter frustration for me anyway. It really would. As long as I maintain my healthy lifestyle overall it’s okay to let my clothes be my guide of my weight. After July 1 I might go to an every 2 week system or I may just stick to once a month. I don’t know. All I know is right now I don’t want to see any numbers until July 1. That is perfectly acceptable with me especially as I turn over a new leaf in my health plan.
Remember that Phase 2 I spoke of pre-vacation. Well, it’s here. And I am committed to it. Phase 2 starts today; just as I am today. Of course there is no food in my house so I definitely will need to make a very basic grocery run for some yogurt and fruit at the least. I don’t even know what else I need.
We got in late last night and being the frantic girl I am ran around and unpacked and did stuff pretty late and of course I am back at work today and as expected I have tons to do. I would love to write all about my amazing adventures on Maui; which I am sure I will do later this week; next week but obviously I have to try to work some. Also, I have lots of photos to download and sort thru and then I will post some of them. Of course this takes time that is in precious demand right now.
So basically, I just needed to come here and outline my plan for myself. My Phase 2 get my ass in gear plan and you know what, I totally feel better having said it all out loud. I feel like I am in control and I can do this right now. This is so much farther ahead than I was any other time I went to Maui. It always fell apart for me afterwards. NOT this time. This time I am in control. I predict 10 days from now I am going to be feeling great again and getting my exercise high back.
For now, I have to get back to work….
What is more interesting and far more important to me is what I am going to do now. My 10 day trend ended yesterday and as I knew I would, starting today is detox. It is not going to be pretty or easy but it is going to happen (it is presently happening) and I am going to do it. I am giving myself a 10 day detox. Basically this means I vow to eat completely clean and healthy for the next 10 days. It is in part to counter act the last 10 days but truly because I need to get my body off the sugar addiction it’s formed. 10 days of eating completely clean. I will NOT indulge in one little piece of candy or sugar snack. Yes, generally I think that this behavior is fine, but right now it’s a slippery slope and I can’t. So 10 days completely clean. That is how I am rolling.
And now exercise. I can’t lie; I am scared shitless to run tonight. And run I will. Taking off so much time makes me somehow afraid that my body won’t remember how to be physically active and I won’t be able to do what I love to do. And right now part of my body is tricking me into thinking that maybe I didn’t really love it anyway so it’s okay. Stupid sugar in the blood system. Honestly, realistically I know it’s going to be hard. I just have to accept that. So again, I’ve made a mental plan for myself. I am allowing myself the next few days to not go to the gym, instead I will and can go home and run each and every day for the next couple days if that’s what I feel like. I am allowing myself the opportunity to build up my exercise comfort level from my own home before venturing back to the gym. I have no doubt I will go back, but a couple days of at home running wouldn’t be terrible to build up my confidence in myself again.
Next course of action. Executive decision time. I am not weighing myself. I have no doubt I gained weight over the last 10 days. Right now I feel extremely bloated from all the extra foods, but I’m hoping that will pass on its own. With all that said, I am still fine. I look fine. I am not going to torture myself and derail my ability to focus on being healthy again by seeing any number. Quite frankly it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I weigh and I’ll tell you why. I weigh what I weigh. What happened happened and I am not going to beat myself up over it. I went on vacation to Hawaii and I don’t really care what I ate. I might care if today, this very day I wasn’t committed to going right back to what I do while on Oregon ground. But since I am committed to myself and my health I know that whatever damage was done in Hawaii will be undone. That my weight is going to fluxuate anyway so let’s just recommit to health and wellness and everything else will fall into place. I truly believe that.
I will weigh myself on July 1. That is my tentative plan. Give myself 3 weeks to let the chips fall as they may. I had already mentally decided since I am not really actively trying to lose weight anymore that weighing myself weekly would just lead to utter frustration for me anyway. It really would. As long as I maintain my healthy lifestyle overall it’s okay to let my clothes be my guide of my weight. After July 1 I might go to an every 2 week system or I may just stick to once a month. I don’t know. All I know is right now I don’t want to see any numbers until July 1. That is perfectly acceptable with me especially as I turn over a new leaf in my health plan.
Remember that Phase 2 I spoke of pre-vacation. Well, it’s here. And I am committed to it. Phase 2 starts today; just as I am today. Of course there is no food in my house so I definitely will need to make a very basic grocery run for some yogurt and fruit at the least. I don’t even know what else I need.
We got in late last night and being the frantic girl I am ran around and unpacked and did stuff pretty late and of course I am back at work today and as expected I have tons to do. I would love to write all about my amazing adventures on Maui; which I am sure I will do later this week; next week but obviously I have to try to work some. Also, I have lots of photos to download and sort thru and then I will post some of them. Of course this takes time that is in precious demand right now.
So basically, I just needed to come here and outline my plan for myself. My Phase 2 get my ass in gear plan and you know what, I totally feel better having said it all out loud. I feel like I am in control and I can do this right now. This is so much farther ahead than I was any other time I went to Maui. It always fell apart for me afterwards. NOT this time. This time I am in control. I predict 10 days from now I am going to be feeling great again and getting my exercise high back.
For now, I have to get back to work….
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Forgotten Photos
I was unloading the camera to free up space for Maui and realized that I had never downloaded my photos from my Feb 2012 trip to Disneyland and boy oh boy did I find some doozies in terms of photos on there.... Since there is nothing like photographic evidence I thought I'd share. I mean, I love seeing other people's photos ad visual evidence... so here are my lovely photos..
And less we forget how far I've actually come here are photos taken in the last couple days to compare:
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Do you notice in that one recent photo, see those legs and those RUNNERS's Calves.. .yup I am proud of those calves, that is one GIANT muscle there... like my only muscle ha... but I have awesome lower legs, the top not so much, but those calves are killer. Love it.
And less we forget how far I've actually come here are photos taken in the last couple days to compare:
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Do you notice in that one recent photo, see those legs and those RUNNERS's Calves.. .yup I am proud of those calves, that is one GIANT muscle there... like my only muscle ha... but I have awesome lower legs, the top not so much, but those calves are killer. Love it.
I'm a tweeting!
Holy shit its Thursday. I did not weigh myself this morning… wait, scratch that, I DID weigh myself this morning and I did not like the number so I am not calling it official yet. I am going to wait until Saturday morning before I get on the plane I guess to record my pre-Hawaii weight. It doesn’t matter at all honestly I believe that. There is a part of me that is feeling like I am spiraling out of control and then there is the part of me that is like, this is called maintenance Em. Plus, one can hardly say that I’m spiraling out of control when I have worked out so much as of late which I honestly suspect is the real reason that the weight is stalling. Is it really stalling anyway??? This is my true age old issue. Honestly it is. I get to a certain point and it is just not possible for me to go anywhere with it.
If I’m being fair I have totally upped the intensity of workouts and the variety but this has left me a lot hungrier and therefore I know I have ate more. That’s probably pretty natural I think. I’d say that the last week or two I have really been focusing on becoming more well-rounded in terms of athleticism and I am happy about that for sure but it’s ironic that when you tear and break down your muscles that the scale suddenly stops. You’d think that if you worked harder at the gym you’d lose more weight. Not necessarily true. The irony is that in order to achieve weight loss you practically have to not build muscle which is beyond stupid. I want muscle so I guess I accept the scale as it is.
Last night at the gym I did a Dumbbell fit class. I liked it a lot but of course activated a whole new slew of previously untouched muscles. I feel like every day I wake up with new kinds of sore on all different parts of my body. Been that way for well over a week now. I guess this is a good thing all things considered. I do definitely feel like I am getting stronger already but of course I wish my hunger would subside a little bit. I feel like I have no willpower these days. Where did all that go?
Doesn’t matter much right now right? I have less than 48 hours and I will be on a plane heading to the most beautiful place in the world in my opinion anyway. Whatever damage or whatever I’m going to be I’m going to be. Not much that can be done in 48 hours’ time anyway. It’s not like I really slacked in May honestly. The two previous trips to Maui I know for certain the month before I was not exercising or caring at all so I’m definitely ahead of the game. 2 days before and I exercised last night.
I’ve got things to do tonight. I have to give myself permission to take the night off from exercise because tonight I have plans. I have to dye my hair, I have to apply my fake tanning bronzer and oh yeah, I have to finish packing up a bunch of crap and figure out how to get some movies onto my I-pad for my flight. 10 days is a decent amount of time to be gone and I really want to be as prepared as I can be.
I need to step back and breathe. This is exactly what I have been working so hard for, for the past 7 months, to be able to go to Maui and be happy and healthy and love myself and enjoy myself. It is here so I need to not get so stressed and freak out about the scale or eating chocolate. I just need to live my life and enjoy it. I need to get out of my head a little bit if that is even possible. I don’t know, some days you just don’t feel it.
I know no one ever said weight loss of maintenance or anything having to do with health and nutrition was easy. If it was easy everyone would be happy and confident and healthy. It is one damned hard journey and just because you are “there” doesn’t mean that it’s not hard, EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!! It is hard. Motivation, will power, wellness. Sometimes I just don’t want to and other days I have all the motivation in the world.
I think that I have a semi-plan in place for myself. I am going to go to Maui. I am not going to worry about my food choices. I’m going to try and be as good and healthy and active as possible. I am praying the nice warm weather will make me want to be active. Right now I am still cold and that makes me so inactive. And then when I get back from Maui I might weigh myself once, I might now. I don’t know if I want to know. Then I think I am going to get RIGHT back at it. I am going to immediately go back to weight watchers 101. Start by tracking my food for a week or so and actually making the healthy conscious decisions that I haven’t been making lately. This always happens to me, early vacation indulgences. But when I get back its right back to it and of course right back to the gym. And Phase 2. I can do this!
I don’t know my attitude today kind of sucks really. Don’t ever think just because you have lost weight that you don’t constantly need help and guidance and inspiration and motivation. This is for the rest of my life and it is fucking hard!!! Okay that is my rant. Oh, I added my twitter feed to a page up at the top of this one. I am liking posting on twitter more often. I posted pictures yesterday… it’s so easy to do and I could so see that becoming a fun way for me to keep up on my daily life. It’s easier to do than this or Facebook and of course I don’t want all of my “Facebook” acquaintances to know about this blog or see my narcissistic weight loss posts or pictures, they just wouldn’t understand. Twitter I can keep for my more weight-loss related stuff and I like that. I’m having fun anyway.
Okay, that’s about it for the day for this post, but I suspect I will continue tweeting all day long :)
If I’m being fair I have totally upped the intensity of workouts and the variety but this has left me a lot hungrier and therefore I know I have ate more. That’s probably pretty natural I think. I’d say that the last week or two I have really been focusing on becoming more well-rounded in terms of athleticism and I am happy about that for sure but it’s ironic that when you tear and break down your muscles that the scale suddenly stops. You’d think that if you worked harder at the gym you’d lose more weight. Not necessarily true. The irony is that in order to achieve weight loss you practically have to not build muscle which is beyond stupid. I want muscle so I guess I accept the scale as it is.
Last night at the gym I did a Dumbbell fit class. I liked it a lot but of course activated a whole new slew of previously untouched muscles. I feel like every day I wake up with new kinds of sore on all different parts of my body. Been that way for well over a week now. I guess this is a good thing all things considered. I do definitely feel like I am getting stronger already but of course I wish my hunger would subside a little bit. I feel like I have no willpower these days. Where did all that go?
Doesn’t matter much right now right? I have less than 48 hours and I will be on a plane heading to the most beautiful place in the world in my opinion anyway. Whatever damage or whatever I’m going to be I’m going to be. Not much that can be done in 48 hours’ time anyway. It’s not like I really slacked in May honestly. The two previous trips to Maui I know for certain the month before I was not exercising or caring at all so I’m definitely ahead of the game. 2 days before and I exercised last night.
I’ve got things to do tonight. I have to give myself permission to take the night off from exercise because tonight I have plans. I have to dye my hair, I have to apply my fake tanning bronzer and oh yeah, I have to finish packing up a bunch of crap and figure out how to get some movies onto my I-pad for my flight. 10 days is a decent amount of time to be gone and I really want to be as prepared as I can be.
I need to step back and breathe. This is exactly what I have been working so hard for, for the past 7 months, to be able to go to Maui and be happy and healthy and love myself and enjoy myself. It is here so I need to not get so stressed and freak out about the scale or eating chocolate. I just need to live my life and enjoy it. I need to get out of my head a little bit if that is even possible. I don’t know, some days you just don’t feel it.
I know no one ever said weight loss of maintenance or anything having to do with health and nutrition was easy. If it was easy everyone would be happy and confident and healthy. It is one damned hard journey and just because you are “there” doesn’t mean that it’s not hard, EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!! It is hard. Motivation, will power, wellness. Sometimes I just don’t want to and other days I have all the motivation in the world.
I think that I have a semi-plan in place for myself. I am going to go to Maui. I am not going to worry about my food choices. I’m going to try and be as good and healthy and active as possible. I am praying the nice warm weather will make me want to be active. Right now I am still cold and that makes me so inactive. And then when I get back from Maui I might weigh myself once, I might now. I don’t know if I want to know. Then I think I am going to get RIGHT back at it. I am going to immediately go back to weight watchers 101. Start by tracking my food for a week or so and actually making the healthy conscious decisions that I haven’t been making lately. This always happens to me, early vacation indulgences. But when I get back its right back to it and of course right back to the gym. And Phase 2. I can do this!
I don’t know my attitude today kind of sucks really. Don’t ever think just because you have lost weight that you don’t constantly need help and guidance and inspiration and motivation. This is for the rest of my life and it is fucking hard!!! Okay that is my rant. Oh, I added my twitter feed to a page up at the top of this one. I am liking posting on twitter more often. I posted pictures yesterday… it’s so easy to do and I could so see that becoming a fun way for me to keep up on my daily life. It’s easier to do than this or Facebook and of course I don’t want all of my “Facebook” acquaintances to know about this blog or see my narcissistic weight loss posts or pictures, they just wouldn’t understand. Twitter I can keep for my more weight-loss related stuff and I like that. I’m having fun anyway.
Okay, that’s about it for the day for this post, but I suspect I will continue tweeting all day long :)
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Feel the difference
Okay so it’s Wednesday already. I guess this is what happens when you have a Monday off, suddenly you find yourself almost half way thru the week. Yippee to that. I can’t believe its May 29. Insane. I started setting stuff out on the bed last night for Hawaii and I’ll be damned it looks like a lot of stuff already especially to go to a place where in theory you wear “less” clothes. I say in theory because you still have to wear clothes and suddenly the smaller I am the more ensembles I want to bring and then the more shoes which really are the things that take up space after all.
Here’s an interesting thing that is occurring to me, as I get closer to my vacation I am getting more and more concerned about the reality of 10 days off of exercise so much so that my brain is starting to say, NO WAY and by that I mean, I am packing two workout outfits to take with me and I’ve started to have discussions with my husband about it. He made a fabulous suggestion last night. There is a place in another town over from where we are staying, where he really likes to snorkel. It is a resort type place with lots of sprawling golf courses. I remember last time we were there walking to the beach and seeing all these trails around the golf course and seeing runners. Chris suggested that we both go and he snorkels and I get to run around the trail. I thought this was a divine idea. I would love to get in a run in Maui and feel like I was somewhere amazing running and there is nowhere more amazing that Maui but I was concerned about running on the streets with traffic and not really knowing where I was going. But a gorgeous golf course. THAT I can do. Now I’m kind of excited for that actually.
This is my activity plan of attack for my vacation. One day I want to kayak. I just think it would be fun for both Chris and I to do. Plus arm workout. One day I am thinking that we would like to drive to Hana and make stops for hikes into the forest more, as per a book of course, take some hiking trails to water falls. There are lots of them of course. And then when in the ocean, while Chris is doing more snorkeling than I care to do, I will swim. Like swim for the purpose of exercise to tire my arms out. And of course that leaves the running. I will be thrilled if I run once. Honestly. I am on vacation after all. This doesn’t mean that in the room or even sitting on the beach I can’t do a couple other exercises as well. I have learned a few tricks this last week or so. Some very simple yet highly effective exercises I could do to keep me going. No it won’t be a full out cardio sweat session but it will be something.
Honestly my body is not happy with the idea of taking 10 days off so I really better not. Moreover I don’t think I would be too happy with myself period. I think I would have a more enjoyable vacation if I could sneak in some activity. Who the fuck is this girl I have become? I love it.
Someone commented yesterday and it totally hit me as a duh, of course that makes sense, should have thought of that myself kind of thing. Normally tomorrow would be my weigh-in, but honestly I am a little freaked with the whole horrible eating and of course the copious amounts of additional and different exercise I have been giving my body so the thing is, why not wait until Friday or even Saturday morning before we leave to weigh myself. I like this a lot actually because it gives me a true baseline for my pre-vacation weight. Not that it totally matters but I suspect years down the line I will be looking thru charts and graphs for that number. Most likely before I go to Maui in 2015. I try to go every 2 years. I will want to know what I weighed before my 2013 trip. I’m just sick that way. But I don’t seem to ever go to Maui not being at least somewhat thin. I can’t go weighing 220 pounds. It would just make me miserable I suspect. Oh yeah, plus I am never going to be 220 pounds again so that is a moot point right?
Last night I hit the gym where I killed it with a 5k run. I did it in 28 and a half minutes or something like that. Good nice warm up session. Okay, I was sweating like a pig. Whatever. Then at 6 PM mom and I were going to do Zumba. I took a Zumba on a Saturday morning weeks ago with one instructor. I didn’t LOVE LOVE it. It was fine but eh. I didn’t think I worked that hard actually. It was way more dance-y than I cared for. Then last Thursday I took Zumba with a different instructor and I DID love it. She was so much more aerobic and I sweated my ass off and I adored it. She was supposed to be teaching the class last night so I was excited. Come to find out that the class was turned over to a different girl who is in training to be an instructor. It was a total dance session. She stopped multiple times to show us the steps. Hello, I am not here to learn your dance routine as your back up dancer, I want to sweat my ass off. My workout time is limited and precious and I have far better things to do than shake my arms as your back up dancer. I HATED it. So much so that after 30 minutes of NOT sweating. Of shuffling my feet back and forth trying to figure out her complicated routine that I looked at my mom and said I am leaving, my time is better served elsewhere. I felt a little guilty but I wasn’t doing myself any favors by sticking around another ½ hour.
I had every intention of hitting the stair climber but they were all in use so I had to go back to the treadmill where I did another 5k run, this one a little slower, around 30 minutes. So overall I ran for like an hour, 6.3 miles. I’ll take it. Tonight I am going to the gym again, but won’t run. I did not pack my running shoes as to not be tempted. Tonight will be more about weights and strength training, etc. I am hoping to do the stair climber tonight as well. I am going to try a 5:30 class called Dumbbell fitness. It’s just a ½ hour class but obviously something different for me. Yeah.
I have to say I am really pleased with my decision to join the gym. I had no idea I would like it so much. I feel so in my element there it’s crazy. I thought my insecurities would get the best of me, and at times I feel them creep in and I have to pull myself back but for the most part I love the environment and being around it so much that it’s a great thing for me. My runs are even better there. My pressure to succeed I guess drives me. I just love looking out and seeing a whole place where people are pushing themselves and I want it so bad. I am glad I did not wait until after Maui to join as was my original intention. Now that I’ve taken a few classes and have gone fairly consistently the past 2 weeks I see that it is something I love and have something to look forward to upon my return. I’ve always taken a step back after Maui vacations because I’m still in my lazy-fare I don’t care attitude upon my return. That is not going to be the case this time as I am excited for my trip, yes, totally however I’m excited for phase 2 upon my return. I’m going to get the trainer and I’m going to get strong.
I honestly can’t believe Saturday is almost here and I will be on a plane headed to Hawaii. Wow. Time does go. So that’s about where I’m at today. I can honestly say that I am at a place I have NEVER been in almost 10 years of doing this. This is the very first time that I have ever developed or thought about a phase 2. This is the first time I’ve ever been committed to a gym or a trainer or strength training or me beyond getting to goal and running. This is the very first time I am at this mental space in my mind and that is exactly why I think this might finally be the time where I get it, where it is going to work for me forever. I feel so different, I mean I believe I just talked about bringing workout clothes on vacation with me. That is DEFINITELY a first.
Here’s an interesting thing that is occurring to me, as I get closer to my vacation I am getting more and more concerned about the reality of 10 days off of exercise so much so that my brain is starting to say, NO WAY and by that I mean, I am packing two workout outfits to take with me and I’ve started to have discussions with my husband about it. He made a fabulous suggestion last night. There is a place in another town over from where we are staying, where he really likes to snorkel. It is a resort type place with lots of sprawling golf courses. I remember last time we were there walking to the beach and seeing all these trails around the golf course and seeing runners. Chris suggested that we both go and he snorkels and I get to run around the trail. I thought this was a divine idea. I would love to get in a run in Maui and feel like I was somewhere amazing running and there is nowhere more amazing that Maui but I was concerned about running on the streets with traffic and not really knowing where I was going. But a gorgeous golf course. THAT I can do. Now I’m kind of excited for that actually.
This is my activity plan of attack for my vacation. One day I want to kayak. I just think it would be fun for both Chris and I to do. Plus arm workout. One day I am thinking that we would like to drive to Hana and make stops for hikes into the forest more, as per a book of course, take some hiking trails to water falls. There are lots of them of course. And then when in the ocean, while Chris is doing more snorkeling than I care to do, I will swim. Like swim for the purpose of exercise to tire my arms out. And of course that leaves the running. I will be thrilled if I run once. Honestly. I am on vacation after all. This doesn’t mean that in the room or even sitting on the beach I can’t do a couple other exercises as well. I have learned a few tricks this last week or so. Some very simple yet highly effective exercises I could do to keep me going. No it won’t be a full out cardio sweat session but it will be something.
Honestly my body is not happy with the idea of taking 10 days off so I really better not. Moreover I don’t think I would be too happy with myself period. I think I would have a more enjoyable vacation if I could sneak in some activity. Who the fuck is this girl I have become? I love it.
Someone commented yesterday and it totally hit me as a duh, of course that makes sense, should have thought of that myself kind of thing. Normally tomorrow would be my weigh-in, but honestly I am a little freaked with the whole horrible eating and of course the copious amounts of additional and different exercise I have been giving my body so the thing is, why not wait until Friday or even Saturday morning before we leave to weigh myself. I like this a lot actually because it gives me a true baseline for my pre-vacation weight. Not that it totally matters but I suspect years down the line I will be looking thru charts and graphs for that number. Most likely before I go to Maui in 2015. I try to go every 2 years. I will want to know what I weighed before my 2013 trip. I’m just sick that way. But I don’t seem to ever go to Maui not being at least somewhat thin. I can’t go weighing 220 pounds. It would just make me miserable I suspect. Oh yeah, plus I am never going to be 220 pounds again so that is a moot point right?
Last night I hit the gym where I killed it with a 5k run. I did it in 28 and a half minutes or something like that. Good nice warm up session. Okay, I was sweating like a pig. Whatever. Then at 6 PM mom and I were going to do Zumba. I took a Zumba on a Saturday morning weeks ago with one instructor. I didn’t LOVE LOVE it. It was fine but eh. I didn’t think I worked that hard actually. It was way more dance-y than I cared for. Then last Thursday I took Zumba with a different instructor and I DID love it. She was so much more aerobic and I sweated my ass off and I adored it. She was supposed to be teaching the class last night so I was excited. Come to find out that the class was turned over to a different girl who is in training to be an instructor. It was a total dance session. She stopped multiple times to show us the steps. Hello, I am not here to learn your dance routine as your back up dancer, I want to sweat my ass off. My workout time is limited and precious and I have far better things to do than shake my arms as your back up dancer. I HATED it. So much so that after 30 minutes of NOT sweating. Of shuffling my feet back and forth trying to figure out her complicated routine that I looked at my mom and said I am leaving, my time is better served elsewhere. I felt a little guilty but I wasn’t doing myself any favors by sticking around another ½ hour.
I had every intention of hitting the stair climber but they were all in use so I had to go back to the treadmill where I did another 5k run, this one a little slower, around 30 minutes. So overall I ran for like an hour, 6.3 miles. I’ll take it. Tonight I am going to the gym again, but won’t run. I did not pack my running shoes as to not be tempted. Tonight will be more about weights and strength training, etc. I am hoping to do the stair climber tonight as well. I am going to try a 5:30 class called Dumbbell fitness. It’s just a ½ hour class but obviously something different for me. Yeah.
I have to say I am really pleased with my decision to join the gym. I had no idea I would like it so much. I feel so in my element there it’s crazy. I thought my insecurities would get the best of me, and at times I feel them creep in and I have to pull myself back but for the most part I love the environment and being around it so much that it’s a great thing for me. My runs are even better there. My pressure to succeed I guess drives me. I just love looking out and seeing a whole place where people are pushing themselves and I want it so bad. I am glad I did not wait until after Maui to join as was my original intention. Now that I’ve taken a few classes and have gone fairly consistently the past 2 weeks I see that it is something I love and have something to look forward to upon my return. I’ve always taken a step back after Maui vacations because I’m still in my lazy-fare I don’t care attitude upon my return. That is not going to be the case this time as I am excited for my trip, yes, totally however I’m excited for phase 2 upon my return. I’m going to get the trainer and I’m going to get strong.
I honestly can’t believe Saturday is almost here and I will be on a plane headed to Hawaii. Wow. Time does go. So that’s about where I’m at today. I can honestly say that I am at a place I have NEVER been in almost 10 years of doing this. This is the very first time that I have ever developed or thought about a phase 2. This is the first time I’ve ever been committed to a gym or a trainer or strength training or me beyond getting to goal and running. This is the very first time I am at this mental space in my mind and that is exactly why I think this might finally be the time where I get it, where it is going to work for me forever. I feel so different, I mean I believe I just talked about bringing workout clothes on vacation with me. That is DEFINITELY a first.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Time is not on my side
I cannot believe that it is May 28th already. I have had an incredibly busy couple days and of course I am already feeling amazing amounts of stress for the upcoming couple days. There is nothing like knowing you are going on vacation in a couple days to make you not only happy but incredibly stressed about all the tasks you must accomplish. I will be gone for 10 days which is actually a long time and I have to make sure all my ducks are in a row beforehand. That means today I am actually feeling some major stress. Lovely. I suddenly realized that I have 4 days to accomplish everything not only at work but at home. Ugh.
I can’t believe it’s been since Thursday since I had an update. I feel like there is so much to write about but clearly not enough time as for aforementioned stress and lots to do is setting in. My bosses are getting a “sub” for me at work which is good I guess but that means I have to come up with a list of what I do and how to do it. I always love that; NOT! The sub is just one of my boss’s wives mom. So basically she will be here a couple hours a day to try and keep things somewhat going.
So in terms of me and my health and fitness and well-being. This weekend was a true mixed bag. I had a few highs and a few lows. Thursday night I did Zumba at the gym which was with a different instructor than the previous Zumba I took which I was only eh about. This one I really liked. It was much more aerobic and I had fun. Friday night I just came home and ran on my treadmill for an hour and then Chris and I went to dinner, Mexican food, where I ate too much including a margarita. Would have been fine if my Saturday didn’t turn into gorge-fest. Saturday morning I did get up and go to the gym for what turned out to be the highlight of my weekend. I did the stair climber machine for 30 minutes and then I did some weights while I waited for a 10 AM total body boot camp.
Yup, at 10 AM Saturday morning this girl was killing it at the gym and I loved every second. Boot camp was amazing and I will definitely be doing it again after my return from Maui. I loved it so much. Of course it ended up leaving my body kind of sore. I kind of thought that would happen as I worked many muscles that clearly I rarely ever work. That is a good thing! After boot camp I went and got cupcakes to celebrate Chris’s birthday and my birthday. This ended up being a mistake. Go figure. I got 6 of them and in the course of the weekend ate like 3 of them before giving them away. These are not small little cupcakes either, they are crazy big, crazy amazing decedent cupcakes. Ah well. Saturday Chris’s dad came down and we went to Panera bread for lunch. I did end up going and seeing my sister and her kiddos. I love my kiddos too much to stay away from them despite whatever I might be feeling in terms of my place in the family otherwise.
Saturday night Chris’s dad took us out to dinner to celebrate our mutual birthdays. We ended up at Olive Garden. I ordered the seafood bordetto which is quite healthy but what was not healthy is the margarita and like 4 or 5 breadsticks I ate. Ooops again. I’d say really oops because the minute we got in the car coming home I felt so sick. I was dying to get into the house and make myself feel better. I ended up throwing up just a little bit. I know, gross and too much information, but apparently my body really doesn’t handle excess well. I swore Sunday would be better. It really wasn’t all that much better unfortunately.
I did not exercise as my body was completely sore. Sunday was my day off. I honestly barely remember what transpired food wise. It wasn’t great I am thinking. It also wasn’t terrible terrible. Yesterday was my birthday and I was determined to be healthy. I got up and went to the gym with my mom. Unfortunately my body was still achy but it was better than before so I pushed thru. I did a 30 minute run. I did more weights than I normally do and finished up with 30 minutes on the stair climber. Decent enough. Nothing to write home about but a workout. We grabbed a quick Quiznos for lunch before heading to the outlet mall where I hit up Nike and got some adorable new sneakers.
I snacked on some stupid foods the rest of the day but nothing crazy terrible actually. Overall the weekend was okay but I guess given how busy I was overall it was okay. Obviously I am missing a lot of stuff in there activity-wise but those were the highlights I guess.
Having a birthday kind of sucks. I know as a kid you love it and look forward to it. As an adult it just kind of sucks. It reminds you life is going by and of course brings up all these weird emotions. I was fine on Chris’s birthday, yesterday, my birthday, slightly depressing. I’m glad it is now the 28th and officially over.
I have too much to do and then of course things I “want” to do on top of it. Plan for today is I have to go to Rite-Aid as I have money there, there Ups that are expiring today. I don’t particularly want to go, but I have to. I have a bunch of work errands to do this afternoon/today. Then after work I am going to go to the gym and I am going to run for ½ an hour hopefully and then attend 6 PM Zumba class.
Wednesday night I am going to the gym and am going to try out a new class and then get in a great workout. Wed Chris works late so it’s my dedicated gym night. Thursday night I am taking off from exercise as it’s my night to totally pack and get ready. I have to dye my hair as well. Friday night Chris has to work late as well so that kind of sucks. I am certain that I will exercise. Not sure if it will be gym or just a run at home. Probably kind of depends on how much stuff I have to do.
Why do I feel like I need a vacation to prepare for my vacation??? I need to start making a serious list of all of my “must” packs and things to get done. I am quite concerned that I want to pack too many clothes; certainly more than I need for a 10 day vacation and that they might not all fit in my suitcase. Ugh. Also I feel completely bloated. I think it’s perhaps the combination of all the “new” exercises and lifting I’ve been doing plus eating like a crap-tastic pig these last few days. Not good. Also stress. We all know stress does not good things for our bodies.
I am just going to try and calm myself down and eat healthy and well for the next couple days. The thing is I have a whopping 4 days counting today before I get on the plane Saturday morning. I can finish this out strong and remain focused for 4 days.
I have a confession to make, one I am not proud of AT ALL. In all of my infinite wisdom and understanding of myself and my inner workings I slipped up this weekend. For some reason, in a moment of weakness, during a pity party I stepped on the scale one night. What on earth possessed me to do that I really don’t know. I think it honestly was a form of self-torture I was inflicting as a punishment for the crap I was eating. It was in an evening after I’d had eaten and was sore, etc. The number was not pretty at all and it just depressed me as I thought it would. It made me entirely scared to want to weigh myself Thursday morning for sure. I logically know that a Thursday morning weigh-in will be different than a weekend evening weigh-in but it still makes me nervous. I suppose I should because I don’t want to go to Maui with that last number in my brain. But I’m scared that I’m going to gain weight this week. My attitude has sucked since Thursday. It’s been oh I can eat more it won’t kill me. Oh that extra piece of bread won’t hurt me. Not a great attitude at all.
But I am going to do look at it like this. Get thru this week and it’s not like I’m completely off my rocker. Since Thursday I exercised 3 of 4 days and of course in the next 4 days I plan to exercise 3 of the 4. I’m not going all rouge here on my ultimate plan. I of course intend to enjoy myself in Maui for 10 days and then get myself back in gear, back on focus, back to tracking my food and back to the gym immediately upon my return. Phase 2 as I keep saying. I am completely dedicated and newly excited about Phase 2 of me. I just have to remember that. I have to go do some work stuff. Time is not my friend today.
I can’t believe it’s been since Thursday since I had an update. I feel like there is so much to write about but clearly not enough time as for aforementioned stress and lots to do is setting in. My bosses are getting a “sub” for me at work which is good I guess but that means I have to come up with a list of what I do and how to do it. I always love that; NOT! The sub is just one of my boss’s wives mom. So basically she will be here a couple hours a day to try and keep things somewhat going.
So in terms of me and my health and fitness and well-being. This weekend was a true mixed bag. I had a few highs and a few lows. Thursday night I did Zumba at the gym which was with a different instructor than the previous Zumba I took which I was only eh about. This one I really liked. It was much more aerobic and I had fun. Friday night I just came home and ran on my treadmill for an hour and then Chris and I went to dinner, Mexican food, where I ate too much including a margarita. Would have been fine if my Saturday didn’t turn into gorge-fest. Saturday morning I did get up and go to the gym for what turned out to be the highlight of my weekend. I did the stair climber machine for 30 minutes and then I did some weights while I waited for a 10 AM total body boot camp.
Yup, at 10 AM Saturday morning this girl was killing it at the gym and I loved every second. Boot camp was amazing and I will definitely be doing it again after my return from Maui. I loved it so much. Of course it ended up leaving my body kind of sore. I kind of thought that would happen as I worked many muscles that clearly I rarely ever work. That is a good thing! After boot camp I went and got cupcakes to celebrate Chris’s birthday and my birthday. This ended up being a mistake. Go figure. I got 6 of them and in the course of the weekend ate like 3 of them before giving them away. These are not small little cupcakes either, they are crazy big, crazy amazing decedent cupcakes. Ah well. Saturday Chris’s dad came down and we went to Panera bread for lunch. I did end up going and seeing my sister and her kiddos. I love my kiddos too much to stay away from them despite whatever I might be feeling in terms of my place in the family otherwise.
Saturday night Chris’s dad took us out to dinner to celebrate our mutual birthdays. We ended up at Olive Garden. I ordered the seafood bordetto which is quite healthy but what was not healthy is the margarita and like 4 or 5 breadsticks I ate. Ooops again. I’d say really oops because the minute we got in the car coming home I felt so sick. I was dying to get into the house and make myself feel better. I ended up throwing up just a little bit. I know, gross and too much information, but apparently my body really doesn’t handle excess well. I swore Sunday would be better. It really wasn’t all that much better unfortunately.
I did not exercise as my body was completely sore. Sunday was my day off. I honestly barely remember what transpired food wise. It wasn’t great I am thinking. It also wasn’t terrible terrible. Yesterday was my birthday and I was determined to be healthy. I got up and went to the gym with my mom. Unfortunately my body was still achy but it was better than before so I pushed thru. I did a 30 minute run. I did more weights than I normally do and finished up with 30 minutes on the stair climber. Decent enough. Nothing to write home about but a workout. We grabbed a quick Quiznos for lunch before heading to the outlet mall where I hit up Nike and got some adorable new sneakers.
I snacked on some stupid foods the rest of the day but nothing crazy terrible actually. Overall the weekend was okay but I guess given how busy I was overall it was okay. Obviously I am missing a lot of stuff in there activity-wise but those were the highlights I guess.
Having a birthday kind of sucks. I know as a kid you love it and look forward to it. As an adult it just kind of sucks. It reminds you life is going by and of course brings up all these weird emotions. I was fine on Chris’s birthday, yesterday, my birthday, slightly depressing. I’m glad it is now the 28th and officially over.
I have too much to do and then of course things I “want” to do on top of it. Plan for today is I have to go to Rite-Aid as I have money there, there Ups that are expiring today. I don’t particularly want to go, but I have to. I have a bunch of work errands to do this afternoon/today. Then after work I am going to go to the gym and I am going to run for ½ an hour hopefully and then attend 6 PM Zumba class.
Wednesday night I am going to the gym and am going to try out a new class and then get in a great workout. Wed Chris works late so it’s my dedicated gym night. Thursday night I am taking off from exercise as it’s my night to totally pack and get ready. I have to dye my hair as well. Friday night Chris has to work late as well so that kind of sucks. I am certain that I will exercise. Not sure if it will be gym or just a run at home. Probably kind of depends on how much stuff I have to do.
Why do I feel like I need a vacation to prepare for my vacation??? I need to start making a serious list of all of my “must” packs and things to get done. I am quite concerned that I want to pack too many clothes; certainly more than I need for a 10 day vacation and that they might not all fit in my suitcase. Ugh. Also I feel completely bloated. I think it’s perhaps the combination of all the “new” exercises and lifting I’ve been doing plus eating like a crap-tastic pig these last few days. Not good. Also stress. We all know stress does not good things for our bodies.
I am just going to try and calm myself down and eat healthy and well for the next couple days. The thing is I have a whopping 4 days counting today before I get on the plane Saturday morning. I can finish this out strong and remain focused for 4 days.
I have a confession to make, one I am not proud of AT ALL. In all of my infinite wisdom and understanding of myself and my inner workings I slipped up this weekend. For some reason, in a moment of weakness, during a pity party I stepped on the scale one night. What on earth possessed me to do that I really don’t know. I think it honestly was a form of self-torture I was inflicting as a punishment for the crap I was eating. It was in an evening after I’d had eaten and was sore, etc. The number was not pretty at all and it just depressed me as I thought it would. It made me entirely scared to want to weigh myself Thursday morning for sure. I logically know that a Thursday morning weigh-in will be different than a weekend evening weigh-in but it still makes me nervous. I suppose I should because I don’t want to go to Maui with that last number in my brain. But I’m scared that I’m going to gain weight this week. My attitude has sucked since Thursday. It’s been oh I can eat more it won’t kill me. Oh that extra piece of bread won’t hurt me. Not a great attitude at all.
But I am going to do look at it like this. Get thru this week and it’s not like I’m completely off my rocker. Since Thursday I exercised 3 of 4 days and of course in the next 4 days I plan to exercise 3 of the 4. I’m not going all rouge here on my ultimate plan. I of course intend to enjoy myself in Maui for 10 days and then get myself back in gear, back on focus, back to tracking my food and back to the gym immediately upon my return. Phase 2 as I keep saying. I am completely dedicated and newly excited about Phase 2 of me. I just have to remember that. I have to go do some work stuff. Time is not my friend today.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Rockstar, 100!
Well hello Thursday, we meet again. Today I did weigh myself. Today I lost .4 pounds which means I am exactly 141 today. This is rather insignificant to me. The current weight that is. For the first time in months or probably years if I’m being honest the weight on the scale didn’t really matter to me. What I mean is this. I was not expecting anything at all since I worked VERY hard this week. I know in the grand scheme of things I worked way to hard this week to see any real results on the scale. But I no longer want results on the scale. My mentality has totally shifted which is why I don’t really care about that silly number.
Weight loss is important as it is one of the only real trackable measurable means of success we have when we are attempting weight loss on our own. Yes, the more important judge is truly the mirror and how you feel and the fit of your clothes but as far as an actual measurable item the scale pretty much sums it up. But once you hit a certain point. (And I have very much hit that point now), the scale starts to get iffy as a real trackable tool.
Case in point. I weigh 141 pounds this morning. I put on a pair of size 4 Old Navy Rockstar skinny jeans and they are a perfect sliming fit. I have never, like EVER, worn a pair of size 4 anything. That wasn’t even in my realm of possibility at any point in my life. And here’s the thing. In the last couple weeks, like two or three tops but more like week or two I just “feel” so strong and toned and holy shit my legs, like all of them feel muscle.
In the last week I’ve had more people tell me that I look amazing and that every time they see me I look smaller and smaller. Just in the last week. And you know what, I feel that much smaller. But more importantly I feel so fucking healthy it’s crazy. Going to the gym this past week has done a mind shift for me completely.
Actually this last week instead of focusing any attention or energy on weight-loss and instead shifting my focus to get strong and healthy I have seen a total difference in so many parts of my life. Let me recap this last week for you. Thursday night I ran at home an hour. Took Friday off. Saturday I went to the gym where we spent 2 hours of doing stuff. Sunday I went to the gym again where another 2 ½ hours were spent doing stuff. Monday night I ran at home for an hour. Tuesday night was another 1 ½ at the gym. I did take off last night. 3 of my 5 workouts this week were at the gym where I did do different stuff than I normally do. Yes, I still ran for sure, but there was some other stuff as well. So yes Virginia, I am starting to see the light. Also, based on this information I did so much exercise this week I wasn’t expecting any weight loss, plus, let’s be honest as I get smaller it really does get harder to drop weight. Did I mention I’m wearing a pair of size 4 jeans. Ha.
I’ve never really been one who gets too caught up in sizes or gloating or anything like that. This is the honest to God truth. I love being healthy and strong. I want to be perceived as fit and strong. And I’ll be damned if I would honestly give everything I had if someone asked to help them achieve it for themselves. I completely believe in the concept of helping anyone else along on their own journey. I believe in this feeling so much that I want everyone I care about to have it to.
By no means is my body perfect or is there not tons of room for improvement. Oh boy, that is what phase 2 is about. Improvement. I don’t expect the scale to ever move too much from here on out. As I plan on kicking ass and building muscle which probably is going to keep me relatively close to the same weight on the scale. I guess what all this means is that I don’t particularly care what the scale says so much right now. Within reason. I don’t want the scale going up a bunch. But truly in my heart I know the best measure of my success is how I look in the mirror and feel about the girl I see. The best measure of my success is how my clothes are fitting.
I really want to bottle the feeling I have today so I can tap into it while I’m in Maui and of course when I return from Maui in case my desire and motivation are lacking. I am going to have to flag this post mentally so that I can re-read it when I return to remind myself of how good I feel right now. I think I should use the same mentality I used on my Vegas mini-vacation… I can indulge but not binge. That is a great way to look at it. I am certainly going to indulge. Mostly in fruity alcoholic beverages, and I can have food treats but just because I am in Hawaii is no reason to go all crazy and binge on shit that I normally wouldn’t eat. Plus the truth is, I don’t want to be sick and I am certain eating crap that I haven’t ate in months would make me sick. Moderation.
I need to trust myself and have faith that I will make good decisions or the best decisions I can. I need to have faith that I have worked very hard and I need to give myself more credit. Give myself and my body more credit I guess. I do have a lot of muscle already and those muscles are working at burning calories every day.
Tonight I am going to the gym where I will do a little warm up run. I might try to run faster than I normally do as I honestly know I won’t be doing it that long. I get off work at 5 and then have to drive to the gym which means I won’t be there until about 5:20 or so. Mom and I are going to do Zumba at 6 PM so that honestly only gives me like ½ an hour to work out beforehand. Chris works late tonight so I can do something AFTER Zumba I guess. But honestly I will probably be tired at that point. Right now I’m just testing the waters.
Tomorrow is Friday and I will probably just come home from work and run tomorrow night. I can plan on a nice long run tomorrow night after work. Then Saturday is Chris’s Birthday and he actually has the weekend off. However, I am going to go to the gym Saturday morning anyway. I am really eying doing a 10AM Total Body Boot Camp class. I’ve looked at it before or rather watched them and was intrigued. I think Saturday might be the day. I don’t know about Sunday yet and of course Monday is my birthday, Memorial Day and I honestly think the best gift I could give myself is my health and a killer workout. So Monday I am definitely going to work out. Since I have the day off anyway. And then you realize that is it. I’m like 8 days away from getting on a plane. Yes indeed. And don’t worry I plan on taking LOTS of pictures on vacation. I will post them on Facebook and try and post some here too. But mostly when I get back there will be lots of photos.
Oh and I have to say how fitting that today I am talking about feeling so happy and healthy and strong and not caring about the scale which I truly mean and guess what, this is my 100th post of the year. Are you freaking kidding me. I couldn’t even manage more than a few posts each year for the past couple years and now, and now… 2013 I’ve got 100 posts. This is how we know that my heart is exactly where it should be. I am KILLING it!!!
Oh, and by the way Old Navy Rockstar Skinny jeans are the best thing ever. So fucking comfortable. Can you believe in October 2012 just a week before I decided to make a change I bought 3 new pairs of them in a size 18. And 7 ½ months later, size 4. AMAZING!
Oh, and I’ve decided to venture into the world of twitter a little. I’ve toyed with the idea for a long time. Mainly because my bosses aren’t on twitter so they won’t know when I post shit, unlike Facebook, where I am friends with them and therefore they can see my activity if I spent my entire days posting away. Ha. Twitter is quite different but so far so good….
Anyway, happy 100 posts today.
Weight loss is important as it is one of the only real trackable measurable means of success we have when we are attempting weight loss on our own. Yes, the more important judge is truly the mirror and how you feel and the fit of your clothes but as far as an actual measurable item the scale pretty much sums it up. But once you hit a certain point. (And I have very much hit that point now), the scale starts to get iffy as a real trackable tool.
Case in point. I weigh 141 pounds this morning. I put on a pair of size 4 Old Navy Rockstar skinny jeans and they are a perfect sliming fit. I have never, like EVER, worn a pair of size 4 anything. That wasn’t even in my realm of possibility at any point in my life. And here’s the thing. In the last couple weeks, like two or three tops but more like week or two I just “feel” so strong and toned and holy shit my legs, like all of them feel muscle.
In the last week I’ve had more people tell me that I look amazing and that every time they see me I look smaller and smaller. Just in the last week. And you know what, I feel that much smaller. But more importantly I feel so fucking healthy it’s crazy. Going to the gym this past week has done a mind shift for me completely.
Actually this last week instead of focusing any attention or energy on weight-loss and instead shifting my focus to get strong and healthy I have seen a total difference in so many parts of my life. Let me recap this last week for you. Thursday night I ran at home an hour. Took Friday off. Saturday I went to the gym where we spent 2 hours of doing stuff. Sunday I went to the gym again where another 2 ½ hours were spent doing stuff. Monday night I ran at home for an hour. Tuesday night was another 1 ½ at the gym. I did take off last night. 3 of my 5 workouts this week were at the gym where I did do different stuff than I normally do. Yes, I still ran for sure, but there was some other stuff as well. So yes Virginia, I am starting to see the light. Also, based on this information I did so much exercise this week I wasn’t expecting any weight loss, plus, let’s be honest as I get smaller it really does get harder to drop weight. Did I mention I’m wearing a pair of size 4 jeans. Ha.
I’ve never really been one who gets too caught up in sizes or gloating or anything like that. This is the honest to God truth. I love being healthy and strong. I want to be perceived as fit and strong. And I’ll be damned if I would honestly give everything I had if someone asked to help them achieve it for themselves. I completely believe in the concept of helping anyone else along on their own journey. I believe in this feeling so much that I want everyone I care about to have it to.
By no means is my body perfect or is there not tons of room for improvement. Oh boy, that is what phase 2 is about. Improvement. I don’t expect the scale to ever move too much from here on out. As I plan on kicking ass and building muscle which probably is going to keep me relatively close to the same weight on the scale. I guess what all this means is that I don’t particularly care what the scale says so much right now. Within reason. I don’t want the scale going up a bunch. But truly in my heart I know the best measure of my success is how I look in the mirror and feel about the girl I see. The best measure of my success is how my clothes are fitting.
I really want to bottle the feeling I have today so I can tap into it while I’m in Maui and of course when I return from Maui in case my desire and motivation are lacking. I am going to have to flag this post mentally so that I can re-read it when I return to remind myself of how good I feel right now. I think I should use the same mentality I used on my Vegas mini-vacation… I can indulge but not binge. That is a great way to look at it. I am certainly going to indulge. Mostly in fruity alcoholic beverages, and I can have food treats but just because I am in Hawaii is no reason to go all crazy and binge on shit that I normally wouldn’t eat. Plus the truth is, I don’t want to be sick and I am certain eating crap that I haven’t ate in months would make me sick. Moderation.
I need to trust myself and have faith that I will make good decisions or the best decisions I can. I need to have faith that I have worked very hard and I need to give myself more credit. Give myself and my body more credit I guess. I do have a lot of muscle already and those muscles are working at burning calories every day.
Tonight I am going to the gym where I will do a little warm up run. I might try to run faster than I normally do as I honestly know I won’t be doing it that long. I get off work at 5 and then have to drive to the gym which means I won’t be there until about 5:20 or so. Mom and I are going to do Zumba at 6 PM so that honestly only gives me like ½ an hour to work out beforehand. Chris works late tonight so I can do something AFTER Zumba I guess. But honestly I will probably be tired at that point. Right now I’m just testing the waters.
Tomorrow is Friday and I will probably just come home from work and run tomorrow night. I can plan on a nice long run tomorrow night after work. Then Saturday is Chris’s Birthday and he actually has the weekend off. However, I am going to go to the gym Saturday morning anyway. I am really eying doing a 10AM Total Body Boot Camp class. I’ve looked at it before or rather watched them and was intrigued. I think Saturday might be the day. I don’t know about Sunday yet and of course Monday is my birthday, Memorial Day and I honestly think the best gift I could give myself is my health and a killer workout. So Monday I am definitely going to work out. Since I have the day off anyway. And then you realize that is it. I’m like 8 days away from getting on a plane. Yes indeed. And don’t worry I plan on taking LOTS of pictures on vacation. I will post them on Facebook and try and post some here too. But mostly when I get back there will be lots of photos.
Oh and I have to say how fitting that today I am talking about feeling so happy and healthy and strong and not caring about the scale which I truly mean and guess what, this is my 100th post of the year. Are you freaking kidding me. I couldn’t even manage more than a few posts each year for the past couple years and now, and now… 2013 I’ve got 100 posts. This is how we know that my heart is exactly where it should be. I am KILLING it!!!
Oh, and by the way Old Navy Rockstar Skinny jeans are the best thing ever. So fucking comfortable. Can you believe in October 2012 just a week before I decided to make a change I bought 3 new pairs of them in a size 18. And 7 ½ months later, size 4. AMAZING!
Oh, and I’ve decided to venture into the world of twitter a little. I’ve toyed with the idea for a long time. Mainly because my bosses aren’t on twitter so they won’t know when I post shit, unlike Facebook, where I am friends with them and therefore they can see my activity if I spent my entire days posting away. Ha. Twitter is quite different but so far so good….
Anyway, happy 100 posts today.
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