Personal Assessment

Holy shit my friends, in my wildest dreams I could not have guessed what happened last night at my fitness “Assessment” at the gym. Sure, I had an idea of what was going to be said. Less cardio, more strength training (and by more I mean some; ha!) Which is what was said. But the other stuff; could not have guessed.

Let me say this, whatever crazy funk I was in yesterday I really did snap out of it at the gym which is exactly why I love exercise and health and fitness so much. It is just plain old good for my soul. I got to the gym and went to the treadmill. I like to warm up with a 5k run. There really is something about the gym that makes me work harder than I ever do at home. But I was totally feeling it despite thinking I would be in a horrible funk so I kept going. I ran 6.2 miles in right around 60 minutes. And I felt great. I then did some weight machines and then only had time for a 15 minute stair climber session.

I walked into my assessment obviously dripping sweat. My mom was there; she was at the gym which translated into her being there for my assessment. It was not necessary nor did I care one bit though that she was. It was with her personal trainer and it was cool. Someone else hearing the words is always good anyway. It’s like when you go to the doctor and get news it’s probably best to have someone else listen in case they hear things differently than you.

Anyway, so I kind of end up telling her a little of my back story. That in the last 9 years this is the 3rd time I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. That I’ve been 220 to 130 in my life and done that not once, not twice, but the 3rd time. Hell, it could even be more than that but for now I think of 3 major times I’ve done this. The original time, 9 years ago, 4 years ago when I went to Maui the first time and had my gall-bladder removed and then now. I know there were other times in between but they were of less significance.

Anyhow, These are the points I would like to make or things that were very nice compliments or rather that left that warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart.

1. She asked me what I weighed now and I said around 140 and she said, you look great, that is a great weight for you. I wouldn’t focus on losing more weight but toning up.

2. How old are you? I said I’ll be 34 next week and she said, wow, I seriously was going to say in your 20’s. Nice compliment. (I know that generally speaking I do look younger than my age, thank goodness for great genetics from my mom who looks great for her age!)

3. She told me I was obviously a dedicated, fit, healthy person.

And then there is one more that gets its own story here in a minute. She took all my info and put my height/weight etc into a program they have and I kind of got a whole Biggest Loser Know Your Number kind of feeling from it. It said my biological age was 34 but my inside age was 31. Yeah!!! I was not expecting that. She told me this was great as she just had a 24 year old in there who had the inside age of like 46 or something. She said that I was obviously in great shape and I looked great and I didn’t necessarily need to do more if I didn’t want to, but since I was sitting there at the gym that obviously I wanted more and she 100% said toning it up. Which I knew. Taking it to that next level of fitness and health.

I told her that the 3rd time is the charm and I am not going to ever do this again and that I was looking for answers now to keep this permanent. That here I am, I am at goal and now I need to set a new goal or figure out how to do this. Honestly she said so many things that really resonated with me.

She then broke out that body fat testing machine. She said that the numbers are skewed after you just work out which I obviously had and that my numbers would be higher than they really are. That you are supposed to rest before hand to get a true reading but she’d take it anyway as a baseline. My body fat percentage came back at 25% which she told me was GREAT. She said it was on the low range of healthy. Something like an athlete is 19-24% body fat and an average healthy woman is 25-33% so I am on the low range of that. She told me that she was confident that easily I should be in the athletic range as clearly I was athletic.

I guess I must have talked openly and passionately about stuff as I tend to get really passionate from time to time about health and stuff. Plus in terms of being open and honest about my struggles and where I’ve been I have no problems freely sharing that. Then out of nowhere, this is the thing that totally made me go, oh. One of those ah ha moments I guess she was like… you need to get a personal trainer, work out for a while and then I honestly can one day see you sitting on the other side of this table doing my job. I can see you being a trainer. I paused because previously when I have gotten to goal the thought has crossed my mind. It is not the first time this bug has been planted in my head. It was just crazy amazing to hear it, completely unsolicited, from a trainer I just met.

She told me that I had an amazing story that people would relate to, that I was obviously passionate and she could just see it. I told her that I would love to incorporate this world into my daily life as a job. I’ve often thought that. There would be nothing more motivating and nothing to keep you more accountable than that. She told me she could see me taking the classes and even still working full time while I became certified.

Obviously she said that I needed to start from the ground up and that was to first do personal training sessions which I agree with. I kind of knew I needed them going in, which in the back of my mind is kind of why I joined the gym to begin with. I am where I want to be in terms of something and need to set new goals. She told me that without a doubt I needed them for the strength training and that I’d see amazing results with adding that in. That obviously I had the cardio and endurance down and my body is clearly a sponge in terms of fitness so it is so possible to be toned and fit. I told her I did not want to be stick thin but curvy, healthy and FIT.

She told me that I am 100% doing too much cardio. That I need to quit. That ½ an hour 3-4 days a week is enough. Ooops. That I need to apply that time and energy to building my muscle now. That she knows I’m worried about gaining weight back but she promises if I build muscle it won’t happen. That good things will happen. She also said she understands the runner’s high. I told her yup, it’s a high that I crave. I am a cardio junkie!!!

She wants me to sign up for weekly sessions and I honestly don’t believe it’s because she wants the business I believe it’s because she believes it is the best thing for me. And honestly I wouldn’t be sitting in that room discussing it with her if I didn’t believe it to. I told her I have another week and a half until Maui and then it was pretty much my goal when I get back to start something new. To being the next phase of my journey.

She said classes and personal training. Take some of the other classes the gym offers which I totally was going to. It was single handedly the most refreshing hour I’ve had in a long time. She told me of course if we were sitting there in October having this discussion this would be a whole other story. But right now I am in great shape, perfectly healthy, I look great and obviously have a great fitness level but it’s now time to take it to the next level and make this my true lifestyle from here on out. I whole heartedly agree. She said we could do the body fat test thing again later to see if it’s really lower or not.

For right now this next week and a half I am still going to run. I am going to go to the gym. I might try a class or two but I am going to finish what I started and go to Maui ending phase 1 of my healthy lifestyle plan. Phase 2 will begin when I return and will most likely include personal training and less cardio :( I am honestly still not sure how I feel about less cardio. I really do love that runner’s high. But I am excited about lowering my body fat percentage. I could see that as an obtainable/trackable goal. Something to work towards and God knows I need to work towards something. The food stuff is important for sure but as I gain more muscle all that will take care of itself. I guess what I’m saying is I’m moving into another phase of my journey where the scale matters a whole hell of a lot less.

Honestly it’s very hard to be upset if the scale doesn’t move as clearly I am in great shape and clearly this last week I have killed it with exercise and nutrition. Plus the trainer looked at me and thought I was in my 20’s and healthy and I looked great and didn’t really need to lose any weight. That is a compliment. Oh and that she saw in me what it takes to be a trainer. That she didn’t become a trainer until her late 30’s so it’s totally possible.

Overall I was so impressed. Guys, look what can happen in like 7 months if you just put your mind to it. Look at the change you can really make if you want something. If you embrace that inner athlete that lives in all of us. In 7 months, 8 months, 12 months, 2 years… your life CAN be different. I am living proof of that. And also that falling down doesn’t mean failure. You can pick yourself up and try all over again. And again. And again. Ha.

Phase 1 is pretty much coming to an end for me and I was so blah about what phase 2 was going to be but I knew I needed a solid phase 2 in order to not fall back into old habits and after last night I feel re-energized and motivated to tackle phase 2. I feel like where I’m at now is a place I have been before. The “end” of my weight loss journey to 140 pounds and this is the point where it’s all fallen apart before because I just never took it to the next level. I know inside of me is a warrior. I know there is this fierce athletic fit girl and I am crazy excited to tap into her. I am excited to actually tackle phase 2 and become the girl I’ve always wanted to be. The girl I always knew I could be in my heart if I’d just let her out.

This girl is going to kick some serious ass and make it happen. I’m saying it now. I am going to lower my body fat percentage. I am going to get a personal trainer. I am going to take classes and I am going to build muscle. I am excited. But phase 2 is after my Maui trip.

Anyway, obviously, I am a little happy today because it was such good news yesterday overall. Today I am not exercising. Taking the day off and then tomorrow I will go to the gym and do a zumba class probably with my mom. Something different right :) Of course tomorrow morning is weigh-in too. I don’t care so much about the scale weight right now but I would still like to eventually see 139.9 on the scale before Maui. I don’t know though because I really worked EXTRA hard this week which usually backfires on me. Either way none of it matters because I am about to unleash the beast inside me… and it’s going to be a fun ride and I’m so glad I have this place to share all about it. I love you all for reading this and continuing to inspire me and challenge me and keep me going. I may not “know” every one of you but I love you anyway….

Have a fabulous day my friends.

Embrace Life, get over the blah

So I watched the 20 minute plus story of Zach Sobiech this morning. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go here: http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-just-died-what-he-left-behind-is-wondtacular-rip It’s really a sad but inspiring story. Basically this teenage boy got diagnosed with terminal cancer and decided to live his life. He passed away yesterday. Amazing story. But the thing is, it totally puts life into perspective does it not? Here’s this 17 year old kid told he has months to live who really is living his life and enjoying every moment that he has here, acknowledging that each moment is a gift. While I know all the classic reasons why we don’t embrace every moment on earth it’s hard to imagine why we as a society aren’t more in tune with the miracle that is just breathing every day.

We take so much for granted. We spend far too much of our live worrying about the things that do not matter. I am of course completely guilty of this. There is unfortunately no real way to stop this. As amazing as the story is, I’m also slightly sad to. It left me a little depressed. Which I mean, I guess it should because I have a heart and all. It’s so sad that life is so ridiculously unfair. And also now I’m sad because we can’t embrace each day with pure abandonment because we have consequences and bills and daily life to attend to. Although tomorrow is never guaranteed. Just sad.

I am left feeling blah about it all and probably so because I look out my window and see nasty gray clouds. It’s sad. And then I start thinking about my family situation and I get sad. I think about my husband and for some stupid reason we aren’t really connecting lately and that makes me sad. Blah. I am sure I am just experiencing a case of the blah’s.

I should try and be more positive, especially in light of the video I just invested my time into this morning. His whole message was to embrace life. And here I am being a sad little bitch. What the hell do I have to complain about really? I have a great house, a great husband who loves me, a fabulous vacation happening in 11 days, my birthday in a week, and I like the woman I am in the mirror. Seriously shut the fuck up Emily, you have nothing to be blah about.

As we all know, what one sees, and what is really going on are never the same exact thing are they. I try to keep this place as real and honest and candid as I can without stepping on anyone’s toes or saying more than I really should. But things are never completely as they appear. How can they be? This blog is told my sole perspective as these are all my words and thoughts and feelings. Unto itself it becomes biased and skewed by nature. Just saying.

I know my family loves me. I know they never intentionally excluded me from vacation. I know they would love to have me go on the vacation. I really do know this. I am not really mad at anyone because I do know all of this to be true. It is VERY hard for me to be mad at anyone over the situation. I can’t be. And yet I am mad about the situation as a whole. I think that is the most frustrating part. I am not mad and I don’t want to be mad at any one person. It is no one’s fault and I know I am more than welcome. But, how can I tell my heart to feel something that it doesn’t? How can I suddenly be happy and okay when I am sad? I am just hurt and upset about the whole situation. That now I am once again not going and won’t get to be part of it. For ANOTHER family vacation. Whether intentional or unintentional, and I know it’s unintentional, it still hurts the same.

But honestly, I know in time I will get over it. I won’t forget, but I have no choice but to get over it. They are my family after all. My feelings of blah today come from lots of other factors aside from my family situation. Honestly, I am probably the only one dwelling on the family situation… (cough, cough, probably because I’m the only one not going!) I am just blah because I am tired. I am not loving the dark gray clouds that are making me incredibly cold once again. I feel completely unproductive at work and of course have tons of mixed emotions about this weekend.

Saturday is Chris’s birthday as well. I am not sure what I am going to do with that. He says he doesn’t want me to do anything but then is that just someone saying that and they really do want you to do something? Monday is my birthday and I guess as it turns out also memorial day and I just found out yesterday that my office or rather my bosses are not working Monday so I guess I somehow got my birthday off. I don’t think that makes that big of a difference in my life really. Except maybe then on Monday I could/should start packing I guess. There are plenty of items that I can open a suitcase on the spare bedroom bed and start filling. Swimsuits, dresses that are only going to be worn in tropical locales. I probably can pack a bunch of stuff actually. Maybe Monday would be a great day for that. I guess this means that counting today I only have 8 work days left before my vacation. Normally I would be excited about this but today I can only manage an eh.

I did run last night. I ran at home and it was a decent run. Won’t win any records with it but I managed. It was fine. That is about all I can say about that. Tonight I head to the gym where I have my fitness meeting with the trainer at 7 PM. I should get there about 5:30 after work, which leaves me a solid hour or hour and a half to workout before I meet for my assessment. Honestly I have no idea what my plan of action will be. This is day 4 in a row of workouts and honestly I am tired. I will probably run for half an hour and then take it kind of easy. Easy for me is maybe 20 minutes stair climber and some arm work. I don’t know though. Perhaps I will get an afternoon power surge and totally be feeling it later today. Doubtful but you never know.

I was excited about my fitness assessment yesterday, today I am rather blah all around so it’s no surprise that I feel slightly blah about that too. I need an attitude adjustment for sure. My life doesn’t suck!!!! I don’t know maybe I need some candy, maybe that will perk my attitude up a little bit if I eat some sugar. Ha ha. Does that ever work? Maybe right…

I brought my workout clothes with me so that I can go directly from work to the gym. I am really hoping that I have a better attitude later today. I was very excited about my consult the other day and I am hoping to return to that happy place again. I’m sure after I get out of the office and run around and do some errands things will be better. I can do this and yes, I am going to kill it at the gym or rather have a great happy fun productive meeting with a trainer to discuss things. See the positive self talk there. Be proud of how far I’ve come and excited to see how far I can go.

Destruction

Ah Monday morning, my arch nemesis, we meet again. In the history of the world is there someone who actually loves Monday mornings? I suppose there is, it’s just never going to be me. Starring down the very start of an entire work week is just never fun. As exciting as Friday afternoon is, Monday morning is the antithesis of that. I’ve thought a lot this weekend about what I was going to say here because I had some things happen this weekend that my first inclination was to come on here and vent and then I decided that I should probably rein it in. Now I’m left somewhere in the in-between land of wanting to share the story but figuring out the best way to do it.

So let’s do this in chronological order than shall we. Thursday I weighed in. Lost 1.6 pounds, yeah. Had a chocolate candy attack in the evening. Oops. Like 20 points worth calculated after the fact. Shockingly 20 points is only like 10 little pieces. Oops again. Anyway, I ran. I had a good run which took some of the sting off from the candy. Friday was date night which ended up being a very different kind of date night. My mom and sister called and were going to see Star Trek in 3D and invited us. We ended up going to the movie theater with them and 2 of my cousins and one of their girlfriends. This is one of those theaters where you order food right at the table. I got a margarita and fries. Should I say we ordered a side of fries and seeing as fries are my favorite food in the world and I have not really indulged in them in like 7 months and of course they brought this GIANT heaping plate of them. Yeah, I ate a lot of fries. Oh well. It honestly didn’t bother me all that much.

Saturday morning I got up and went to the gym with my mom. Had a great run. Had a GREAT stair-climber session. 20 minutes and literally dripping the sweat. Actually I have been thinking a lot about what now for Em and ultimately decided that I should really just join the gym myself. A couple factors motivated me to this decision. The first is that last Sunday I felt like going to the gym but I knew my mom was busy and obviously I could not. I had a feeling this Sunday afternoon would be the same. Plus there was some city Iris Festival going on and therefore they were having a special where the initiation fee was waived so I only had to make a year commitment (which in the grand scheme of things is good for me, cause am I not committed to this for a year???) and it was only $25.00 a month. So I signed up. This gets me unlimited classes (which I will take advantage of at some point) and unlimited tanning (which I’m still debating on because I know how bad it is for you and hello I don’t need cancer) Anyway, I think this is going to be a good decision for me.

So Saturday was gym/old navy to return my size 6 old navy jeans that are too big and I have already ordered new size 4’s which are on their way), and then a Subway for lunch and I’m trying to recall the rest of the evening. Oh, I did take a bath and tried to relax later in the evening. I will get to the reasoning for needing to relax in a moment. Anyhow, pretty much a great on track day. Very proud of myself there. On Saturday with mom at the gym I ended up doing 50 minutes on the treadmill in 2 sessions, 20 minutes on the stair climber and a bunch of arm weights and stuff with my mom.

Sunday morning was a blah day. It started slow and I knew things were going to go slow pretty much all day. I had a yogurt for breakfast, my go-to these days. I headed over to my mom’s and eventually we ran a few errands and had Panera for lunch. I made an executive decision to actually have the “bread baguette” side with my soup and salad instead of switching it out for an apple because I wanted the carbs for an afternoon workout. Sunday also happened to be the Iris Festival half marathon and I saw lots of people in Panera who clearly had run the race. It was pretty motivating and inspiring to see them. Yeah, I know at some point I should run something but I’m just not there yet.

Anyway, eventually at about 3 PM I went to the gym all by myself. I got my new key tag and they took my photo. I am official peeps. Plus I get a “jumpstart” session when I join which I really think is a little walk around and talk with a trainer to show you equipment which I already know how to use most of anyway and to discuss my personal goals, etc. I scheduled it with my mom’s trainer which I kind of already know anyway from going to the gym so much lately. Anyway, Tuesday night at 7 PM is that. I’m kind of excited for it actually.

Can I just say Sunday at 3 PM in a gym is DEAD. Or at least this Sunday at this gym. I mean, it was REALLY dead. Which was kind of nice. A few people walking around. What I have found about the gym is that it is hard for me to mentally make myself go, but once I do I really love it. I love the atmosphere and the vibe of every one of every shape and size wanting to be healthy. I find it amazingly motivating. I had a great workout left to my own accord. I ran. I ran a 5k and then I did some weight machines and then I did another 20 minutes on the stair climber and it says I climbed 1446 steps which is probably true in 20 minutes. Crazy. Then I did 10 minutes on the elliptical just to see how their machines were and if I liked them any better. I don’t. Funny how we each have our own preference. My mom loves the elliptical. It just is eh for me. Love the treadmill and love that stupid stair climber. Just glad I found something else I love.

I then did another run. In total I was the cardio queen yesterday. This is what happens when I really don’t have anything else major to do. I ended up doing 70 minutes running, I never walk on the treadmill it’s always a run. And 20 minutes stair climber and 10 minutes elliptical, so 100 minutes cardio and then some weight stuff. I felt great about that workout and left sometime around 5:15 or so. I was afraid that I might be sore today, but I’m not. All is good.

My eating was pretty good this weekend. Yeah I had candy on Thursday and fries on Friday but honestly my Saturday and Sunday were great so I’d say this was the most successful weekend I’ve had in ages. I am quite pleased with that. I will take it.

NOW… Now it’s time for the other thing that I have been talking about that happened. I don’t want this to come off as petty or mean so I really need to try hard to explain it correctly.

I love Maui. We all know this. I started talking about going back to Maui again I don’t know like in December/January. My whole family knew that we were discussing this. By whole family I do mean, my mom, and my 3 sisters and their families. Anyhow eventually we booked our trip. There was not a lot of other discussion about it. A little while later Mom said she wanted to go to Maui. No problems there at all. Mom loves Maui, she’s been several times and she deserves a great vacation to. She decided to check with my single teacher sister Pamela and they began planning a trip for the beginning of October. Great. I was thrilled for them. They both deserve this and I had no problems. I was the most supportive and happy person for them. Promise you that.

Then they started talking about it and my sister Jen decides she wants to go to Maui with her husband and kids. There are a lot of issues here because Maui is expensive and while Jen is an adult and certainly can spend her money how she wants because of her past financial problems and MANY times when I had to bail her out financially and loan her money it annoys me that when gets a tax refund instead of saving any of it she instantly wants to blow it. I know it’s really none of my business, but I thought it was a dumb move. Anyhow, of course she decides that she wants to go with my mom and sister. I was pissed at the time, months ago, when it was being discussed. But at least my other sister Erin was not going and it was not a family vacation yet.

Fast forward to this week when I guess they finally booked the airfare. Saturday morning in the car before going into the gym my mom says to me, “I want to tell you something but I don’t want you to be mad.” They booked airfare and everyone is going. Like all my sisters, Erin included. My heart instantly sank. I was PISSEDDDD. I was so angry. I want to try and explain to you why. It’s not because I begrudge anyone going to Maui. It’s because suddenly here is a family vacation to Maui and I am not included. No one gave me a thought or consideration. I cannot go in another 3 ½ months. It was never discussed that we wanted to take a family vacation to Maui and then pick a date that works for everyone. I would have gone again later. I just can’t afford to or can’t take another week off of work the beginning of October. Can’t happen. They are all like, you can go. And I’m like, No, No I really can’t. Thanks! I am so hurt. I started balling in the parking lot. I looked at my mom and was like this hurts me so badly you have no idea. It’s like confirmation of what I always feel with this family, that I am the disposable one. That I’m not good enough and everyone else can go and have fun and it doesn’t matter if I’m there or not. I am the least important sister. That is how I feel. No one really even asked me anyway for the record. Mom said I could go on Saturday in the car but no one asked me before then.

Here’s the thing. This is the 2nd family vacation that this has happened to me on. About 4 years ago there was a family vacation to Las Vegas that went down about the same exact way. I was the only one you could not go because I was not considered. Everyone else in my family went to Vegas without me. And now it appears Maui is happening the same way. I just cried. It hurts so badly and so deeply to have it happen like that. It’s fucked up. And then it’s fucked up because my sister Pamela told me that I’m being immature and a child about it.

Logically I know it’s not anyone’s fault. I know this. I understand that I can’t really be mad at anyone in particular over it. I’m not mad at mom or pam. They were going to go on a trip and that was cool. They are both single and deserve to go places. I guess I don’t understand why everyone else had to go at the same time instead of taking their own trips? Now everyone is going to go on this great family vacation and I won’t be there. I am hurt to my core. I told mom I didn’t want to hear a word about it. I didn’t want to see a picture; I didn’t want to hear about it. I just can’t. It hurts too deeply.

I told them I was NOT coming over this weekend and seeing my sister when she comes up and visits. I can’t. I am so hurt and I can’t listen to them talk about it. I just can’t. I don’t think they have any idea what it feels like to be not included because it’s never happened to them. I’m the one who this seems to happen to. It happened once with Vegas and it hurt and I forgave but I moved on. But it’s now happened again and I have to wonder if I really am somehow less important. So yeah, maybe I’m being childish and immature by refusing to come over this next weekend but how can I constantly be asked to be the adult and be the bigger person when I keep getting crushed with such little regard? My anger comes from a complete place of hurt and sadness. It makes me feel like I am completely worthless in this family and therefore why should my presence or lack thereof this weekend make any difference then? Clearly I am not important enough to consider on a family vacation so it shouldn’t matter if I don’t show up for a weekend then.

I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. I really don’t. I told them, and this I mean, the week they are gone all in Maui having a great time. I don’t want to hear it, see it, I won’t log onto Facebook. I don’t want to see any of it. It just hurts too much and shows me that I’m unimportant amongst the people who are supposed to love me. It’s crushing. So fuck them. Okay, I do love them which is why it hurts so much. I tried to explain it to my mom and I think she understood but I doubt my sisters will be as understanding. So as it turns out this weekend I will NOT be seeing my family or my sister when she comes. I just can’t yet.

Saturday is still Chris’s birthday and I will still celebrate. Monday is still my Birthday. I a week from today. And we will go out to eat for our birthday and we will get cupcakes and I will try to be happy regardless of the situation.

So there you have it. A mixed weekend to say the least. I think I worked out so much because I was trying to work out my frustrations literally. I just don’t want any of that drama or negativity to affect my vacation in less than two weeks now. I want and desperately need to enjoy my vacation that I get to take.

Since I am not sore I will run again tonight, but not at the gym. I will run at home and then I will go to the gym tomorrow for my consultation with the trainer. Yeah… I am excited about that. I’ve got to keep with the positive. I do think joining the gym was the right step for me. I am looking forward to experimenting with some of the different classes and hopefully finding something I love. If nothing else I rationalized that paying $25 a month to go on the weekends is probably not a bad investment. Plus the tanning and if I could find 1 class I love paying $25 for like 4 classes a month is still a great price. Of course I’ve got two work weeks til Maui and one more weekend. I don’t think I’m going to do too much before Maui. That will be my plan when I get back from Maui.

Oh, and today I feel happy and healthy and I love my outfit. I’m rocking it so at least there’s that. I have 12 days til Maui… I need to focus on that. Fuck everything else that destroys me.

Blink and you'll miss it

Holy cow batman, I swear I just blinked my eyes and its 11 AM already. I think this has to do with the immediate phone calls and issues I had to deal with since walking into the office this morning. Some days I guess are just like that. It makes you appreciative of the ones that are good or less stressful or not so boss heavy at least. When I said the other day that I really wanted a vacation I meant it. Aside from my quick trip to Vegas in February I haven’t taken a day off work in like well… ever… I think once a year ago or so I called in sick to work 1day. Other than that I am a reliable employee to say the least. Anyhow, I need a vacation. Two work weeks and 2 days counting today. And yes, I am counting. That means that counting today I have 12 days of work left before I get a break. Desperately needed!!! I can tell that I am in need when every little thing my bosses want me to do starts to annoy the shit out of me. Even if it probably really is my job. So over it.

Since Oregon is in the Pacific Northwest which is entirely known for its gloom and rain it is not shocking that despite having 3 weeks of beautiful sun that it is utterly depressing to see rain again. Yesterday, today, oh and every foreseeable day in the future. Yeah, that’s Oregon. Bummer. Major mood killer. Thank God I have the aforementioned goodness of Maui coming up.

I’m doing okay this morning other than noticing the time. I need to take off here soon and run a bunch of work errands. Always fun huh. Nothing like running around to a bunch of places, pick up a check here, drop it off here, to the bank here, go to this other bank. Good times.

This morning was weigh-in and I was down. I weighed in at 141.4 so I lost 1.6 pounds. Majorly excellent. I am completely happy with 1.6 pounds. Quite honestly much better than I expected. I am not an idiot; at 140 something pounds I realize losing weight is hard. I will not drop large numbers ever again so 1.6 actually is a large number in all comparison. Especially since this was not what I’d call a stellar week. It was a fine week for sure. It wasn’t my worst and it wasn’t my best. It just happened and I guess sometimes that’s simply the point. I lived it. I indulged when needed, I restrained as to not binge. I ate when I was hungry and it all turned out okay. Well, I did manage 5 workouts last week as well. I pretty much always manage 5 workouts. That seems to be my routine these days. I can’t seem to do too much more than that even if I wanted and I am not certain I want to. Some days I’m not certain I want 5 workouts a week but it is working for me; for now.

I am going to review my “plan” when I return from Maui, but I’ve got like 15 days until then so I might as well just keep sticking to what I’ve been doing as to not upset the flow I’ve established. Since being gone for 10 days is totally going to throw me off I think upon my return it will be time to consider some other options. A good start over point if you will. Start over on what foods I’m eating and how much exercise I’m getting, etc. I know I have to exercise. I have to run. Maybe I don’t need to run 5 days a week. Maybe I could live with 3 runs a week and 2 “other” workouts. Maybe that would keep my body maintaining and keep me happier in the in between time. I might honestly be considering plunking down a year commitment to the gym. It’s only $25 a month; it’s not the financial commitment that scares me. It’s just wasting a membership. However, I could do some classes in an evening that might be good for me. Like I said, I’m not going to mess with anything until after Maui. Middle to end of June but I’m strongly considering it.

I have this weekend which will consist of a gym trip Saturday morning with mom and then pedicures and my nails done Saturday afternoon. Then I have all next week, and then the following weekend my sister and brother in law and my niece and nephew will be coming. Saturday is also Chris’s birthday and then Monday is my birthday. So that is going to be fun times in there and yes I will have a cupcake. I’ve been dreaming about this cupcake for weeks. Yeah, sure I could go and get it now if I really wanted but I do believe it’s better to save it for the birthday treat. Plus there will be birthday dinners and alcohol I’m sure. I LOVE alcoholic mixed beverages. I’m not a drunk or anything. In fact you’d probably never know it since when I lose weight I go cold turkey and don’t drink but I am pretty much a total fruity drink fan. The alcohol gets me out of my own head for a while and I need that.

Anyway, the point is the following weekend is booked and then I just have the week to get thru and then the next Saturday is Hawaii Time. None of that crazy busy time seems tempting to mix anything up that much. I will stick to tired and true an what I already know. But after Maui I am mixing it up somehow. I read an article last night about personal training and how it really does push you and even in shape people benefit, ya know. Things I know but confirmation I guess. Maybe. I’ll just say maybe at this point.

I really do love how I feel these days. I just ate my banana snack before heading out for errands. Hopefully that will tie me over until my lasagna lunch. Umm… Can I stop for moment and just say 141.4… Hmm…. I am not going to lie it was/is a stupidly unimportant personal goal to see a 130 number on the scale before I go to Maui. No.. not 130 period… I mean 1.3. Something. Like 139.9…. I just want the second number to be a 3. So yeah, I’d be happy with 139.9. Weight Watchers goal was always set at 140 so it would be awesome to lose 1.5 pounds in the next 2 weeks to put me at that 139.9 number. I know it’s unimportant and won’t affect a damned thing and I certainly know I will come back from 10 days of vacation not weighing 13 something but it’s just something I want. And now 1.5 pounds seems possible in 2 weeks time. I know there will be roughness with family and birthday’s in there but nothing I haven’t tackled before. I am SOOO on the home stretch. I am 139.9 bound.

DMV and cheese

I’d say lunch disaster, but I would not consider it a total disaster. It was fine. Delicious and I don’t know about the disaster part because I kind of don’t care. You see, shortly after my post I left for the DMV. If we all know anything about the DMV it’s that is absolutely guaranteed pretty much anywhere that it’s going to be a painful miserable LONG experience. This is why most of us put it off for so long. I knew this needed to happen since the beginning of April and here we are May 15 and I finally did it. Mainly I knew I needed 7-10 business days as they say for my new license to arrive in time to have real identification for travels and Maui. I think I just barely squeaked in under the radar on the license. But the point is, as misery goes, the DMV is pretty much the worst. 90 horrific minutes later and a whole whopping 2 minutes at the counter for me and it are done. I can expect license in the aforementioned 7-10 days. Glad that is off the to do list. Needed to get that one done.

Anyhow, the point is this put me very behind on my schedule. Not that I had a schedule but it pretty much meant that I needed to hurry. I had to stop at Safeway to get more Greek yogurt. I was out and I NEED my yogurt. But my stomach was HUNRGY. Growling and of course that meant every single thing in the store looked amazing. I ended up with a loaf of fresh baked artisan bread. The baguette kind. They are so good. And then somehow I was actually tempted to purchased smoked Gouda cheese. I have perhaps been on a bit of a fancy cheese kick lately. It was NOT my intention to eat said items this minute. I had a smart ones meal in the freezer at work. But somehow my lunch consisted of a 1/3 of the loaf of the baguette and a chunk of cheese bit and then ripped off the hunk by hand. I don’t think either of these choices are all that bad in terms of a lunch really. The only problem is that I did not measure of calculate and have no real knowledge of how much I consumed. Oh well. I am satisfied and contented now. I feel like I had a fancy lunch. Hey, at least it was fresh. Maybe the bread will soak into my stomach and in turn sit there for another couple hours for me to burn while running tonight.

I am really trying to listen to my body in terms of food these days and all be damned if it didn’t tell me cheese and bread were in order for lunch. It’s not much different than getting a subway 6” sandwich anyway. I can’t imagine it’s all that horrible after all. But I’m full now. We will see if I need a snack later this afternoon or not. I am sure before I run I will require something else. But on the plus side I feel much more saited than I did yesterday at this time. Perhaps I am simply just not eating enough food and my body is trying to alert me to this fact. It’s cool. I will run tonight and we will see what the scale gives me tomorrow. I’m just looking for anything around 143… stay the same lose a little. I’ll take it.

A Short Story

Good morning world. Today I am feeling much better or “equalized” in terms of my mood. Yeah, sure, I’m still a little hungry but a bit of hunger I actually think is a good thing. I mean, I don’t want to be starving, but I HATE feeling stuffed. There is a balance in there. Anyhow, last night I did something that I have never done before, like a first for me. Not sure if it’s a good first or rather a sign that chemically there was something off in my body and I was going to listen to it. Yeah for listening to my body actually.

Anyway, I was so hungry all day; I knew it was not normal for me to be that hungry. I ate my yogurt for breakfast, I had a banana for a snack, I had a Smart Ones for lunch, I had jello and apple slices for afternoon snack. All the normal things I would have in a day. BUT I was still so hungry I was seriously going to eat my arm so while driving home I made an impromptu decision as I was driving by to pull into a Subway drive thru. I mean, I opted for the Subway drive-thru instead of the McDonalds one located rather close and also on my path home. I was so hungry and had no energy to run so I made the executive decision to eat. At least it was a freaking subway sandwich. I got a 6” turkey on wheat with avocado, lettuce, onions and peppers. And then I literally scarfed the whole thing down before I got home. I was seriously that hungry.

I have never eaten a whole sandwich in the car. We are talking a short drive from the subway to my house but apparently my body just needed it. I was craving chocolate so bad that when I got home instead of eating an actual candy bar I opted for a Fiber One protein bar. Yup, ate that too. And THEN I ran. It was not my best workout ever but it was a run. It was exercise. I sweated. It was work. That is about all I could say about that. I don’t think I could have accomplished that had I not ate the Subway sandwich. I was just so hungry and I decided listening to my body and giving it what it needed was better than starving myself. Plus, it was a stupid sandwich for Pete’s sake. It wasn’t a burger and fries.

Anyhow, eventually I felt better last night. After I ran I decided to do a little clothes try on. Have I mentioned this is one of my favorite activities ever? There is a sense of satisfaction that comes from trying on clothes you’ve worn before for perspectives sake. The thing is this. Lately I have been thinking a lot about Maui obviously. The last time I went to Maui, 2 years ago to get married I was not entirely happy with myself. I managed just fine. I had an amazing time don’t get me wrong, but I am almost certain that I had to weigh somewhere around 160-170 if I was guessing. Total guess by the way. But what totally struck me was how those extra 20-30 pounds makes me not want to do things. Even in Maui. I found myself a little uncomfortable and not wanting to take as many pictures and certainly not enjoying bathing suit time nearly as much.

When I think of Maui and being perfect and happy I think of Maui 2009, when I went weighing what I considered one of my lowest weights. I don’t know where I completely was in terms of my weight, but according to charts I think I was in the 130’s at this time. I don’t 100% know again either but what I do remember is I was crazy happy and confident that whole trip. I wore bikinis and while I certainly wasn’t amazing in them, I was confident enough. That is what I have been trying to get back to this whole time. I wanted Maui 2009 memories. With all that said, I have no major way of gauging where I was at. I have some charts of weight from this time period but they all end before the actual date. I had a recorded weight of 132.5 on April 16 of 2009. I went to Maui the end of May 2009. Since there was no more weight tracking I don’t actually think I stuck to any weight loss plans after that period of time. I am sure I went to Maui weighing more than 132 pounds.

The goal simply was to get around there so I felt confident enough to wear a bikini again. Even with my scarred not perfect body I still want to be able to wear one. I am not expecting perfection by any means. Just happiness. Anyhow, all this is really leading up to a point. The point is the only thing I had to judge my progress or comparison of Maui 2009 to now is one pair of shorts that I wore in 2009. Yes, I have dresses and clothes but they are not as form fitting so one can’t really tell anything from those. I have a pair of shorts I wore while zip-lining the first time in Maui. I remember that when I wore them they were tight and slightly uncomfortable but I wore them because I could not wear a skirt to zipline. I had to wear shorts. I remember the entire time not being totally comfortable in them because they were a little too snug. Anyhow, guess who found those same pair of shorts in a drawer? I honestly found them a few weeks ago and told myself that I was not going to try them on because I did not want to disappoint myself. I was afraid. Fear is an ugly thing. But I was trying to save myself from a downward spiral. In case they were too tight I just didn’t want to do that to myself.

Last night was the night. I thought what the hell. I was just hoping they would fit me. As I slid them on I realized that holy shit they fit, but they are too big. I did a double take and verified these were the same zipline shorts that I remember being a little too snug. There is too much room in them now. The thighs don’t hug and the waist has inches in it. Hmm….



This leads me to a conclusion that I must be smaller now than I was Maui 2009??? Is that even possible? At 143 pounds now today I am smaller than I was in June of 2009? I know all the exercise that I am giving myself has toned things up and made me smaller. But I was just not expecting that much give in those shorts. So the simple answer is this. I must be smaller, albeit, just a little, than I was in Maui 2009. That has simply been my ultimate goal all along. To go to Maui feeling as happy and confident as I did in 2009. Assuming I don’t screw it up somehow in the next 16 days, yes its 16 days away, and no, I don’t see how I could screw it up majorly in the next 16 days; the goal is going to become a “real” reality. 16 days and I WILL wear a bikini.

Now today here shortly I am heading to the DMV to renew my license which unfortunately expires on my birthday in 12 days so I have no choice but to wait in the dreaded DMV lines. Yuck. But at least my new driver’s license photo won’t be a “fat” photo. So that is nice too. Anyhow, that’s about all I got for the morning.

On a day like today

Today I am starving. Like I just want to eat everything kind of hungry. I also woke up this morning DREADING going to work. Like one of those days that for no good reason you just don’t want to do it. You don’t want to do anything actually. One of those days where you find yourself thinking how you could function as an unemployed person. Would it be possible? Could I survive if I cut my life down to the bare minimums?

And then it dawned on me that it’s around the middle of the month which means that I think I’m right in line for the week before my period which is always the week where I am hungry and moody. Lovely. I really am stupidly hungry for no good reason. Actually I did the same thing last night. I did run, which for some reason felt like torture last night (perhaps it is the whole impending period thing) and then I just wanted to eat too much. Scratch that, I DID eat too many York peppermint patty minis. Like 8 of them I think. Ooops. Periods are the devil or at least the week before your period. I really was craving chocolate, like I am craving it now. The thing is, I don’t have any at work so I guess that is a good thing.

I am feeling so lazy I don’t even want to go home and run. That is NOT a good thing because if I didn’t run I would just want to eat. And I would probably cave and eat. I will make myself run but I am giving myself permission to just let it be an easy night and not push myself at all. The only thing I found in my mini-fridge was an old Jell-O pudding cup with sugar free Jell-O, you know those WW ones that are no points. I’m eating it right now, but it’s not that satisfying. I mean, when you want chocolate but are eating Jell-O instead. Yeah.

I really didn’t want to work this morning. I really don’t want to be at work right now. I suspect tomorrow I won’t want to work either. I suspect that I am suffering from pre vacation-itis I am sure that is not a word, but it makes sense. Like when you get senioritis and you slack the last part of your senior year of school. I am thinking that these next three weeks pre Maui are going to be rough. I desperate want a vacation and it’s mostly what I daydream about all the time. Like can I just go tomorrow already…

I actually have Chris’s birthday in there. (He turns 34 on the 25th) and then 2 whole days later is my 34th Birthday on the 27th. It’s not like happy things aren’t happening in the next three weeks. Damned PMS. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, just a few minutes ago I looked at the date on my computer screen and realized that TODAY is May 14 and I realized that today is my dad’s birthday. Perhaps the universe is more in tune with these things than I give it credit for. Perhaps I am slightly sad and off today and basically didn’t want to get out of bed because deep down I knew today we would have been celebrating his birthday. Interesting. I didn’t think about it earlier at all. And all of a sudden like a ton of bricks it hit me. Ugh… I don’t think that ever gets any easier. I don’t care how hold you are or how many years it’s been, he was still my dad. The only one I will ever have. And even if I’m an almost 34 year old woman doesn’t mean that I still don’t need my dad from time to time. I mean, there are plenty of times late at night while lying in bed that I talk to him in my head and ask him things. I guess because I believe he is somehow, some way watching over me I think he has any sort of pull or influence in the universe that maybe he can help. Or at least help me understand things sometimes.

I suspect nothing in life is that coincidental? That sometimes all things are part of a master plan greater than you. One can call this faith or religion or God. I don’t know. I’m not a real religious person despite being raised Catholic and going to a private Catholic grade school, which I left in the 6th grade because I hated it so much I started stealing to get my parents attention to make them take note of just how unhappy I really was. True story.

As much as I was socially awkward in high school and friendless when it came to being in a class of 200 students imagine what it was like being in a class of 25, the same kids for 5 years. If you don’t fit in, you just don’t fit in. I never felt like I fit in. Pretty much ever as a child or young adult and at times still as an adult I guess. Some days you really do feel like you are on the outside looking in at all the cool kids just wanting to be a part of something greater. I suspect the grass is always greener on the other side of anything. You always want what other people have got and ultimately you can’t have. Such is the irony of life.

Back to feeling famished. Perhaps I am trying to feed some deeper sadness today. I think that is a strong possibility. I think that perhaps I should NOT break open the giant can of almond Roca that my bosses have left in this office that I have successfully avoided for 6 months. I just remembered there was chocolate in this office after all. Yup, bad thought to have. Must not break it open. I’ve only got like 2 more hours of work anyway. I can do this. I don’t need chocolate to fill the void in my heart today. Sure, I don’t want to work; I really don’t want to be here. I want to be on a tropical island not worrying about stupid petty shit. I want to be by the warm ocean with an open mind without a care in the world. Some days are just like that I guess.

Some days writing things out really does help. Sometimes I write shit and it is pointless and means nothing but just a recap of my boring life and then some days, like today, it is so important to work out what’s really going on inside you. Some days I can’t imagine how I’d get thru without this blog. I mean I suspect that I would have gone along with my day being pissy and irritable and perhaps eating almond Roca just because without realizing that I was filling a void left by my father on his birthday. Okay, perhaps that sounds more dramatic than it really is. I mean, I didn’t even realize it until like 30 minutes ago so how critical can it really be? And yet, I do have to wonder.

I think the best thing I can possibly do today is go home and run. Even if it’s not a great one, I feel like now I need to do it as a tribute to my father who could never conquer his own demons in life. He was never able to control or handle his emotions and ultimately could not deal with his weight. I need to enjoy and live my life because that is what he would have wanted. The best way to celebrate him and his life is to truly live mine and not bury my face in almond Roca. Do the things he could not do. Run, and be healthy, and happy. Despite if it’s my pre period week, if it’s actual PMS or if it’s just sadness brought on by the reality of the day. Doesn’t matter, I should probably just run anyway.

Weekend perspective

This morning my day started with running errands for my job. Nothing like an immediate Monday morning road trip. This lead to a late arrival in the office and then of course immediate issues I had to address in terms of work. But it is now the “afternoon” and I think I finally have a moment to eat a Smart Ones for lunch and of course type this post.

Let’s talk weekend shall we? I cannot say that I had a perfect great weekend in terms of health and fitness but it was by no means the worst I’ve had lately so I will take it. I would consider it an average weekend and honestly that is great by me. Basically my goal was to go into my Friday-Sunday stretch and not feel so guilty that I came here today and posted about how I lost it over the weekend. I can honestly say that my post will not say this. It wasn’t perfect but since I feel like I can barely remember some of what I ate (other than knowing that I did go over each day) so it probably wasn’t too terrible.

Friday not I did in fact take off from exercise and instead went out to dinner for Date night with Chris. We ended up at Mexican food where I did in fact eat too many chips and beans. I was hungry when I got there and of course they bring you those first. I also ordered a margarita. So yeah, that happened. Dinner itself wasn’t too horrible. We shared chicken fajitas. I didn’t eat any of the tortillas, instead I just had the vegetables and chicken and beans and guacamole. Amazingly good. I do know when I came home I had too much candy as desert but it was still okay.

Saturday morning I got up and went to the gym with my mom where I killed it. I am really digging on this whole Saturday morning gym workout schedule I seem to find myself on. I started off by killing it on the treadmill with a nice 30 minute plus run. I RAN… I put the treadmill on a 6.2 and just went for it. You want to talk about perspective or my genuine lack of any of it? Perspective that is. I run and I honestly have no clue what I really look like to other people when I run because who can? I know it doesn’t matter… AT ALL… but I just like to have an idea I guess for my own knowledge. Mainly I guess to gauge myself not really to compare. Anyhow, I will come back to this thought in a moment.

After my run, I hit up some weight machines. Did some arm work, did my sit-ups and pushups. Did a few more machines and then headed to the stair climber. I super love that stair climber. Who would have guessed it? The thing is this, I don’t “feel” like I am working as hard as I do when I run BUT I sweat like I’ve never dropped sweat on that machine. After 5 minutes of continual climbing on it the sweat is literally pooling on my body and dropping on EVERY single stupid step. It’s gross but slightly rewarding at the same time. So I end up doing a little over 15 minutes and it says I’ve climbed like 62 flights of stairs. I’m not sure if that is all that accurate. It doesn’t seem like I would actually be able to climb 62 flights in 15 minutes but nonetheless that’s the basis for next time to try and improve upon.

I finished up my workout with another 25 minutes or so on the treadmill. This takes me back to my previous perspective thought. As I was running I couldn’t help but watch the other people on the treadmills. Again, not because I want to be better or want to judge them, just because I’m trying to figure out my place in the world. Of the 15 people or so on the treadmills at that time, I was running, there was another girl running and then one girl going between a run and walk. Two girls got on treadmills next to me so I could see that there walking speed was a 4. That was good to know.

I think the thing is this, sometimes I feel like a fraud. I run. I love to run. I run all the time. These are true statements, but sometimes I feel like I have no idea if I am actually running or working out enough to actually be considered a runner. I know you are a runner if you run period. But I feel like a fraud because I only run on my treadmill at home and I don’t know how I would fair in the real world I guess. I am constantly just trying to find my place. So I was watching this girl run and run and I thought man, she is really running. She is hardcore running. I thought she was running at what I considered a good speed. So of course in my mind I’m thinking the girl is running at like a 7 or something because my perspective is just as fucked up about a treadmill speed as it is about anything. So of course, as this is the end of my workout my running is varying between a 5.6 and a 6.0 on the treadmill for this particular run. Decent speed but not killer. For the record in my first half hour run I decided to try running at a 7 speed on the treadmill and I actually managed to pull that off for a while.

Anyway, back to my story. I was certain this girl was killing it on the treadmill and I was like yeah, that girl is flying. I am certain I don’t look like that. That girl is clearly a RUNNER. When I finished, as we had to go at this point, I walked by her running, on purpose so I could just see what speed she was running at. Guys, it was a 5.2…. Perspective. It’s as hard to judge and gauge as our own self-perspective is. I was floored and yet I still have a hard time believing that I really look like a runner. Go figure. But I swear every time I go to the gym is good and I learn something about myself.

After the gym we went to my sister’s house where we changed and headed to Costco for staples. Staples for me included bananas, frozen fruit for my smoothies, egg beaters, lettuce, green beans and Monster Energy drinks. I know they are bad for you but I drink them anyway!

We did a few more errands and went to Panera Bread for lunch. Then Saturday night I ended up eating a bunch of Ritz crackers and cheese… still pretty tasty even if it wasn’t the most nutritious thing in the world. Yesterday I woke up later and ended up going to my mom’s around 10 for mother’s day stuff. My sister and I took my mom to Applebee’s where I got something off the 550 calorie or less menu. I spent my entire afternoon cleaning my house. Like good cleaning which actually ends up being quite intensive. I started cleaning the crap out of the fridge which in turn lead to like an hour of complete fridge cleanout. Removing all the shelves and whipping everything down. Major work. But it felt great when I was done with everything. Being at home all afternoon is hard on some of the food choices. Mainly the candy that I ate. Oh well. I still don’t think it was as bad as last weekend so I’m guessing its fine.

We did make an excellent dinner though. We had the green beans from Costco and grilled onions, with Salmon, a baked potato and a roll. This is my dinner last night since it was so pretty I had to take the picture.



Overall I don’t think things were too out of control. I didn’t exercise yesterday but I usually don’t on Sundays. Lately it seems that Fridays and Sundays are my days off. I will of course run tonight. Pretty much I like to stay on track Monday-Thursday with healthy eating and exercise. I Figure that is 4 out of the 7 days a week to stay on track. This should ultimately keep me pretty consistently healthy even if I do end up indulging most weekends. Honestly, like I said, this weekend was pretty okay. I know I ate too much in between. Hello Costco samples much :) But it’s cool. I’m really just trying to maintain at this point or else lose 3 more pounds really.

I am mostly excited to see where I can get my body fit and health wise. I am really liking the gym but I’m not sure if I like it enough to want to do it in an evening. I kind of like going home and running and already being home etc. But I love weekend workouts at the gym. We will see how it goes long term. Maybe after I get back from Maui I will consider a gym membership of my own but for now it is working to just go with my mom.

Oh and interesting story here. I have been wearing my lovely Old Navy Size 6 rockstar skinny jeans and all of a sudden they are starting to feel a little loose. Oops. So Friday night Chris wanted to go to old navy to try on some clothes. Since I was there, for the hell of it, I tried on size 4’s and yup, you guessed it. They fit much better. I am not sure how I feel about this because I clearly think there must be a sizing error with Old Navy because I have never in my entire life been a size 4 anything. EVER. Not in a pant for damned sure. Plus I have lots of size 6 jeans now so I am going to just keep wearing them and pulling them up as needed. If I lose more weight or if I get more toned as it seems might be happening to me, then I might have to consider another option but for now I’m not rushing out to buy the 4’s. I mean, I’m being realistic here and if I stayed exactly this same size as I am now I would be happy.

Two weeks from today is my 34th Birthday and then less than 3 weeks now is Maui. Time sure does fly. Here’s to the final push for the next three weeks to go to Maui feeling better than ever. Notice I said “feeling” not looking… because it really is about the feeling.

Friday Date Night

Can I just say Friday night is like almost here, like 30 minutes and I am out of here. Thank GOD!!!! Friday night date night with my husband and yippee skippy. I ran last night so tonight is my day off. I am going to enjoy the evening with Chris and have a nice date night and just live my life. Love that. Tomorrow morning its back to the gym with my mom. I’m very happy today and that is what matters. Smile… It’s Friday everyone :)

An Epic Journey to an Epic Goal

This is the post I have been waiting, well 7 months to write. Today officially I can proudly say that I have met my goal Yes, this weekend was shit for sure but obviously this was my body FINALLY catching up with three weeks’ worth of work. Today I weighed in at 143 pounds. That means I have lost 77 pounds to date. 77 pounds in almost 7 months exactly. AND… you will notice based on my charts that I will post below that I have lost exactly 35% of my starting body weight. I am officially 35% less of me. I started this thing on October 4 and 7 months later on May 9 I am here. This should serve as total complete proof to myself that anything is possible. That it’s never a waste to try and honestly, just go ahead and start today because as all those sayings go, a year from now you will wish you have started today. Today I am glad for that day 7 months ago that despite all odds I went ahead and started. 7 months later I am glad I started when I did.

Today I feel epic. Amazing how one little number can change so much. For the last 7 months this is what I stare at when I run on my treadmill….



You notice the word epic there, as I run and look down from time to time I see the word epic. It seems kind of fitting that for the last month or so I repeat to myself on the treadmill, EPIC… probably to keep my brain distracted while I run mostly, but it just seems so fitting because today I made myself EPIC. Today I believe in the power of change and in the ability for human nature to overcome any obstacle you put your mind to.

So where the hell do I go from here? That is a very good question I have obviously been pondering for a while. I would still like to lose more weight. I love the fact that I feel healthy and strong. I love that in 7 months every one of those pounds was lost the HEALTHY way unlike so many of my other attempts at weight loss. Those 77 pounds were lost without cheating and obsessing on the scale. Those 77 pounds were lost by treating my body well and it has rewarded me. I completely love the lifestyle I have carved out for myself and I simply have no intention of changing that. I don’t suddenly want to indulge in foods that leave me feeling disgusting. I am actually shocked that in 7 months I can honestly say I have not ate McDonalds once. Do you realize that for 5 months BEFORE I started weight watchers I ate McDonalds 5 times a week. They knew me at the drive thru. Do you know how many times I would come back to the office and feel like throwing up after having ate chicken nuggets and fries? The quality of the food I was eating was simply making me sick and quite honestly killing me slowly.

I don’t honestly plan on changing much about my lifestyle and/or diet from here on out. I am completely comfortable with the amounts of food and quality of foods I am giving myself. I haven’t tracked or recorded food in months and I guess that’s okay. I haven’t obsessed daily about how many points I’m eating. I clearly have indulgences. I drink alcohol on my weekly Friday date night’s with my husband. I indulge in cupcakes and cookies as I get the urge. Now mind you, with the exception of a few hiccups I really do make much better choices all around.

And now let’s talk running and exercise. I really have proven to myself how much I need and crave the runners high in my life. It just evens out my mood. I need to continue exercising to feel healthy and strong and feel like me. So where do I go from here? Honestly, exactly the same path I have been traveling down for the past 7 months. Nothing changes. If I continue to lose weight I will call it my body finding the real place it wants to live. If I don’t lose more weight, that’s fine too. Although I do eventually have my sights set on 140 as those stupid BMI charts are still telling me at 143 pounds that I am obese. What??? Clearly not taking into account the muscle that I know I must have from my running.

Today gets treated like every other day for me with the exception of the smile on my face being just a little brighter. I will eat my healthy smart ones lasagna lunch, and my afternoon fruit snack and go home and run. Tomorrow is Friday so that means I will take the day off from exercise and go to dinner with my husband and perhaps celebrate goal by having a lovely healthy dinner of some sort, maybe I’ll get a drink, maybe I won’t. Nothing changes.

I have 3 weeks until Maui and I am getting so excited about how close it’s getting. I really am craving a vacation and some quality time with my husband. Some happy fun adventures…. And of course the reality that I am going to go there FEELING amazing. The past two times we have gone to Maui for some reason the couple weeks prior to Maui I always let things go health wise and spun a little out of control before I even got there. NOT this time. I will go feeling amazing and confident and in control. I am really hoping to get to 140 pounds so 3 pounds in 3 weeks, but if I don’t; that’s okay too. It’s really more about how I feel and honestly I feel great.

I want to also comment on a comment to the photo from Disneyland I posted a couple days ago. Someone said that no matter what that “overweight” girl is the same girl on the inside as I am now. I completely agree with that. I am the same girl heavy or thin. I deserve the same amounts of happiness no matter my outside physical appearance. I completely agree with that. I love that. I know this is true and yes I am the same girl and yet… and yet… I am not in so many ways. That overweight girl is MISERABLE. On the inside she is so uncomfortable that she allows herself to hide away from life. She won’t go anywhere and starts to shy away from spending time with her husband because she is embarrassed. That overweight girl does not take care of herself either. I don’t even mean with eating and health. I mean with the clothes she wears or doing her hair or any of the many other little things that make us feel good. That girl is fundamentally the same girl that is inside me now but she is the worst version of me where as this is definitely the best; happiest version of me. NOT because I am thin, but because I am happy. I honestly some days still have a hard time considering myself thin. I am the best version of Emily today because of what’s on the inside and what I feel about myself. I am the best version of me because I love me and am not afraid to live my life.

Today is quite simply EPIC. And in case anyone was wondering that picture at the top of this post with the 75 pounds is from one of the many previous times I have done weight watchers and got a 75 pounds lost magnet. Actually only once did I never lose 75 pounds previously, when I earned that bad boy. It was been in my gym for years and obviously has been a sore spot for me for some time. Not anymore. Now it is a prideful badge that I have earned and need to remember in order to stay the course.

Now the rest of my life beings, right… As if I haven’t been living t already. I’m just going to bask in the epic-ness of it all for a little while if that’s okay. Tomorrow I will return to the regularly scheduled programming.

Working from Home

So it is Wednesday afternoon and I have had an interesting day already. I am officially “working from home” as I type this. I don’t get to work from home but when I went to start my truck this morning for work it would start fine but the minute I was not apply gas to it, it died. Obviously the idle is off on it and it was just not happening. In a series of weird events Chris actually was home as he was scheduled for the late shift at work today. He came out and worked on it but couldn’t get it running enough to feel that it was reliable enough to drive long term.

I had to run to Vancouver this morning for work and needed reliable. What ended up happening was that I took the car, we dropped the truck off at the mechanic where it sits now, and then I drove to Vancouver and ran my work errands and Chris called his boss and said he’d be a little late. I came home about 1 PM and am now at home, without a car, “working”. I told my boss. What else can I do really? I don’t have a vehicle. Hopefully it gets fixed this afternoon and my mom will run me over there after work to get it.

Working from home is hard. By that I mean the food temptations are here, which is probably why I am so good during the week at work and so bad during the weekends at home. I see that now. The obvious distractions of home are killer. I ate a mini York peppermint patty after my Smart One’s lunch that clearly I would not have ate at work. No more though. That I am promising. I am thinking that I am going to change into my workout clothes here soon. That is one benefit of working from home. I always do better when I am wearing my workout clothes because mentally it puts me in the mood to work out and be healthy. I have a weird timing issue though with the truck and my mom and technically the whole work thing. I feel like I shouldn’t work out before 5 PM since technically I am working but does it really matter?

Yesterday was amazing in terms of my eating and exercise. I killed it and I felt great. I plan on repeating that today (peppermint patty aside that is) I have no grand delusions of a fantastic weigh-in tomorrow as I had my utter meltdown over the weekend, but I would take any loss, albeit tiny as a complete victory. I am not positive my body knows how to lose weight right now. I feel completely like I am plateauing and my body is going to stick right around this 145 pound mark no matter what. It’s not the worst thing in the world as I’m utterly convinced that with exercise I am building more muscle which is going to continue to make me look smaller if nothing else. I honestly don’t feel any smaller. I feel like I’ve stayed exactly the same for like 3 weeks. Which in the grand scheme of things considering how much indulging I’ve done is probably a really good thing. I have been way looser with my food choices than I have been in like 6 months combined.

Whatever happens, will happen I guess. At this point all I can do is be as good as possible for the remainder of the day and go with it. On the plus side I feel cute today. We all have days that we feel better than others. I am certain my cute days are always after I’ve had a few on track days. Something about living healthy making my attitude so much better. Today I definitely have a better attitude than yesterday. Yesterday I was in a funk; today I think all the car drama snaps me out of my funk and back into reality. Life can always be worse like your car won’t start when you need to be somewhere. I am blessed to have a working vehicle and it sucks when it doesn’t work. Talk about major life inconvenience.

But it does allow for an afternoon of “working at home” which is pretty sweet too. AT least I am staring out my front window at my beautiful yard instead of into a masonry yard full of bricks and tools and such. The view is much better.

I guess that is about all I have to say. Boy this is going to be a SLOW three hours I am fearing.

Run away

Okay so today I feel better after having a nice solid completely healthy day. It always amazes me how much I need the high of exercise in my life. Running or rather the high of running calms the crazy in my head somehow and makes me feel at peace with things. Yes, I had a horrible shit four days but its only four days not like forever or anything. And I think its partly fear based that suddenly I’m going to completely go off track and won’t be able to regain control and of course once I do regain control some of the crazy goes away. Yesterday proved that I could struggle and get my ass right back in gear. That is good to know.

I also spent a good amount of time analyzing why I even let this happen to begin with. Part of it is simply because food tastes good. Period. End of story. But that honestly is not where the inability to control myself once I go down a horrible path comes from. I realized that I had some issues rearing there ugly head, life issues that I am not at liberty to discuss on this board, nor would I really want to at this point in my life. Some things are to remain private after all. But anyway, it’s some of the same issues as to why I gained 75 pounds to begin with. I’ve been having some of these issues creep there way back into my life and it was causing me to spiral a little. At least I have acknowledged the forces and now maybe hopefully can try to circumvent them from occurring again. Life is not always rosy and cheeky as much as I try to live my life that way. Some days are just a real bitch pure and simple.

Today I feel more in control of my weight loss while other parts of my life go for a spin. Nothing is ever 100% in check you know. Boy do I wish it was but then I guess life wouldn’t be interesting if it always was. My youngest sisters husband uploaded some photos from Disneyland in October of well not this last year but the year before. Anyway, I have fat photos from that trip, but there is a new doozy of a photo on there. Given the reality that I avoided photos like the plague during this time its somewhat rare to see such horrific photographic evidence of my clear, utter and obvious hatred for myself. So here it is…



Yup, It’s a beauty isn’t it. That should be every reason enough in itself to keep me from ever going back there but this is not an easy journey ever. What they don’t and can’t really teach you at a weight watchers meeting or write about online is the reality of how the ups and downs of day to day life really affect your motivation and ability to stay in control of your choices. It’s all good when life is in fact going peachy keen but throw in some tears and suddenly life seems just unimportant. Like you want to just run away. Ever have that feeling? God I hope I’m not alone, that some days you just want to get in a car and drive away from everything and everyone? Of course you really don’t and you have no intention of doing it but for a split second the fantasy crosses your mind, starting over in someplace warm and exotic. Yeah… not so much but it’s okay to fantasize. Generally I do love my life so I am super sure I’d miss it.

Tonight I am going to run again and hopefully get in another good workout. Clearly I need the therapeutic benefits of exercise. And I’ll have you know that I keep plugging along with my 30 for 30 challenge. So far so good. Despite it all I am managing to keep up on at least that.

What a random post today. Kind of all over the place for sure. If I am certain of anything its that in a few days I am sure I will be back to my normal happy optimistic self. I look forward to that. In the mean time I will just keep going on because I don’t actually have a choice in the matter do I?

Food Addiction

Hello, my name is Emily and I am a food addict. Yes, I have decided 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am addicted to food. I know this after my terrible weekend eating. I keep saying I can’t keep it together on the weekends but steadily more and more the weekends have crept into outright horrific eating patterns. This last weekend was ridiculously awful. There was simply no good reason for it, other than there is a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me completely addicted to food. Once I have a bite I can’t stop and somehow 1 bite turns into lots and lots of bites and then the craving for more and more. Pitiful.

And I love myself and the way I look and I have no desire to ever go back and I don’t think I will but I’ll be damned if I don’t get these stupid ridiculous cravings or urges to just eat. Lots of bad food. Clearly there is something off in my brain. A chemical imbalance if you will that causes some of us humans to not be able to control ourselves. I am one of those who wholeheartedly wishes there was more control. It’s like if I’m already eating bad then I might was well just go for the gusto and finish off the night with a bang, right? What if this happens to you like 4 nights in a row?

I am mortified and scared to weigh myself on Thursday morning. Scared I will have gained because holy shit I ate way to much crap food. I got this stupid sugar high from eating almond Roca and something in my brain could not stop and 1 piece turned into like 20 pieces. All hidden from my husband’s view of course. He finds this kind of behavior appalling and does not understand how someone has so little control or rather why anyone would not be satisfied with only one or two pieces of chocolate. Hello, I wish to God 1 or 2 would be enough but for my brain that is only the beginning trigger to must consume more.

Let me see… hmm… Thursday night I was exhausted and did not run and then ended up eating too much. I told myself Friday would be better I’d get back on track. I did do great during the day; I actually came home and had an awesome run. Then Chris and I went out to dinner and I was feeling good and thought hum… I ran, so it’s probably fine to order this delicious mixed alcoholic beverage. It was amazing but then that seemed to me like it might be okay to eat more when I got home. Chocolate dessert stuff. Oh well.

Saturday morning I got up and went to the gym with my mom. Now I will say this was a positive in my weekend. I had a good 40 minute run and then I did a bunch of new weight exercises. I got hit on by a guy in his 20’s I’m sure. He actually started with the classic line, “Do you come here often…” It went downhill from there. He wasn’t unattractive, he was cute but I just thought he seemed young plus I was all gross and there to workout. Still flattering though.

Then low and behold I did something quite uncharacteristic for myself, my mom and I took a Zumba class. Yup, this girl took a Zumba class. I felt like a fish out of water for sure. I am so ridiculously uncoordinated that it’s not even funny. I am also incredibly socially awkward at times and can’t really let go without alcohol so any form of dancing in public is difficult for me. I managed thru it but I did it, and I guess that is the important part.

Anyway, we made good choices for lunch, we had Quiznos and I did order the chips because I was like oh, it’s a Saturday I can indulge and have these Baked Lays. (This was the motto of my entire weekend I believe). So then my mom and sister and I went wine tasting. We started out at a cheese tasting, which was really cool. They let you sample all these amazing varieties of cheese. Yup, ate too much cheese. Whatever. Then we went to vineyards and sampled wine. I probably didn’t do too horrible on the wine front but I bought cheese from the cheese tastings and then when I got home I ate TONS of cheese. I don’t know what came over me but total cheese addiction. Smoked cheddar, Gouda’s, bre cheese, Havarti cheese’s… Amazing. And Mike’s Light. Drank lots of Mike’s light to. Oh, and my bout with Almond Roca. Lots of it. And candy. Spree’s candy.

Sunday I intended to be much better. I was, for a while. My legs ended up burning on me yesterday morning and I felt like I couldn’t walk normally from all the extra different types of exercise I did at the gym. There went the idea that I would be running later so somehow that became the excuse to eat whatever I wanted. We ended up at pita pit for lunch. Still a healthy choice by all accounts. Chips again for this girl. THEN… because it’s the weekend and surely I can indulge we got frozen yogurt and I mean, I loaded up on the yogurt and toppings. And I ate it all. The guilt was really kicking in at this point, but for some reason this did not stop me. Somehow by Sunday night I was consuming Veggie Chips by the handful out of the bag, more Almond Roca and more candy. Oh, and more cheese and Mike’s. I turned down a walk with Chris and Molly (my dog) and instead ended up eating. Ridiculous.

I am not proud of my behaviors at all. I mean, Sure I ran and made some decent decisions but really with the almond Roca and candy and excessive cheese. I felt like a girl out of control and it saddened my heart. I don’t mind indulging a little here and there. Truly I don’t. And I will feel zero guilt about eating and indulging in Maui, but for no good reason to string together 4 pitiful days of pitiful choices? So not like me at all.

I am not giving up or throwing in the towel. I am going to try and try again. Tonight I plan to run again. My legs are still a little throbby but much better than this morning. I rubbed some Bengay on them not to long ago and I think that might be helping some. I will run tonight to try and mitigate some of the damage already done. For what it’s worth I ate well today.

The stupid part is not that I ate all the crap it was that I wasn’t really even hungry. I was eating for other reasons that I can’t quite put my finger on. If it is a mindful decision or choice I can live with it. Like the alcoholic beverage at Red Lobster on my Friday night date night. That is something I can live with. Eating handfuls of almond Roca quickly is not something I can get behind. I’m better than that. My body deserves better than that.

So tonight I will run and hopefully that will lift my spirits and make things better. Clearly there will be no loss this week for this girl of excessive binges. Apparently I am just too damned comfortable with myself right now that I think it’s okay to eat that way; and it’s just not. Exercise is great and important but we lose and gain weight really by the food choices we make. I deserve a gain for my efforts the past four days. I need to balance it out now the next three with good choices.

I have like four weeks until Maui and I’ll be damned if I am going to gain any weight before I go. I need to quit acting like I can eat whatever the fuck I want; because I can’t. I need to remember that I do not want to go back and I’ve worked too hard to ever allow that kind of behavior again. Time to get back to the basics. Again. Fresh Start.

The wisdom of an Osbourne

It is a beautiful Friday afternoon here. It seems to me that as a whole the US seems to be warming up which is nice. I know overall we’ve been hit with some pretty harsh weather but it seems that across the country we might finally be starting to warm up. That is good news for everyone I think. I actually completely crave the sun. I just want to go stand outside in it. It’s been too long I guess. I am presently sitting at my desk with the door open trying to soak up as much as I can, but I am rockin out to Pandora on my ipad that is sitting next to me. I love my ipad. Great Christmas present from my husband this year. Super love it.

Anyway, things are going well. I am in a pretty good mood today. I took last night off from exercise. I was just pure exhausted. This lead to a little bit of overeating, but nothing that I even feel like mentioning because it doesn’t matter. This always happens to me, I get to where I’m happy and then suddenly all the reasons why I had to lose weight and be good go out the window. I know I have to keep at it in order to stay loving what I see in the mirror. I am not giving up; I just find it interesting that my motivation seems to be a direct result of self-loathe. When I have self-love it’s harder to restrain myself from cookies and candy. Interesting.

So I was reading my Self magazine last night, the one with Kelly Osbourne on the cover. I am not really a Kelly Osbourne fan nor do I actually really have an opinion. I am just indifferent I guess. Anyhow, I guess she lost a bunch of weight, 70 pounds according to the cover, but I have to say that in reading the blurbs about her inside I was pleasantly surprised. I really liked her thoughts on weight loss and wanted to share…

“When you change your body, you start to get selfish. You’re like, Oh, but that’s still fat and that’s still gross and why can’t I look like that? To stop myself I have to look at how far I’ve come. I’ve learned to eat right and look after myself. Also, I don’t weigh myself. If you like what you see in front of the mirror, then what’s the fucking point of getting on a scale?”

I actually loved this and it completely resonated with me. I believe she articulated the thoughts that have been floating around in my head for some time now. I’ve talked about how much more critical of my body I am now then I was 70 some pounds ago. She articulated it perfectly. You get selfish. I like that. It’s pretty clear. The more you lose, the more selfish you get, and the more you want and see those imperfections. Brilliant Kelly. Plus the whole not weighing yourself. This is definitely something that I have struggled with many times. I am presently still struggling with this because the scale does tend to wreak havoc on otherwise good days. I understand using it for accountability purposes and all but as long as you are eating well and exercising and living your life I think it would be okay for me to not weigh myself every week but maybe every other week to start?

I want to get to goal so I probably will weigh myself up until I go to Maui for sure and then I don’t know, I might wait a week after I get back to weigh myself again and then perhaps my maintenance mode will include only weighing once every two weeks to not obsess over it. Kelly is absolutely right, as long as you like what you see in the mirror who the fuck cares?

I know that I am selfish when I am at this weight. I selfishly judge and critique myself in a way that the larger version of me would have hated. Well, I still judged and critiqued myself when I weighed 220 pounds but that 220 pound girl wouldn’t have critiqued this 145 pound girl the way I do. She would have been thrilled and amazed at this body, not picking apart the giggly bits and all. Just an observation I suppose. As today I kind of am loving my body so its slightly a moot point, for the day at least.

Tonight I will run. I took off last night and honestly Wednesday nights run was piss poor, I only ended up doing ½ an hour because I was exhausted and yesterday I was still in exhaustion land so I just didn’t do anything else. But that means tonight I MUST run. It’s okay, taking off a day actually leaves me really eager to run. I’m kind of looking forward to it. Plus I love adding to my killer calve muscles. There is absolutely nothing like loving one part of your body so much. I ADORE my calves. Those are fierce and strong calves and can only belong to someone who uses those muscles a lot. There, that is my self-praise for the day.

I actually don’t have any plans for the weekend and that is nice. I am pretty okay with that. Chris works this weekend so it’s just me. I am excited to see what the weekend brings; it is supposed to be beautiful out all weekend like crazy nice so I might want to be outside enjoying it a little bit. We will see.

Last night I did try some clothes on and my bikinis for Maui. They didn’t look awful awful. I swear photos never really do justice to a person. I swear I look better in person than a photo will ever make me look but maybe I will have to take some photos, I don’t know.

I am officially obsessed with Toms shoes now. I had never put on a pair before. I don’t like the regular flat ones, can’t do those, but the wedges are so ridiculously cute and comfortable. Must own them in like every color from here on out. I am used to wearing high heel wedges and sandals but ultimately they are slightly uncomfortable. The moment I put my foot into a pair of TOMS I was hooked. I can pretty much see myself only wearing these from here on out for the rest of the summer. So amazing!!!

I guess that is about all I really have to say today. Nothing that exciting really. But you know what. It is May and I am still posting so that is something too. I mean you will notice that I have 86 posts in 2013 and like the last 4 years combined I had a total of 47 posts and honestly 10 of those in 2012 were when I started again this time so honestly the previous 4 years I had 37 posts and since returning to posting I have 96 posts. It feels good to be blogging again but a more focused blog I guess. With age comes the ability to be able to separate out the parts of your life you probably shouldn’t share here. I am much wiser these days.

I am feeling very motivated today to kick ass so I think I shall end this with a pinterest exercise quote.

Plateau of a day

Well as I could have predicted, as I almost predicted actually I didn’t do amazing this morning but at least it was a loss. The scale read 145.5, which means technically I lost 1.2 pounds this week. I am fine with that. BUT… that means in two weeks time I have lost 1.7 pounds. This is not actually super great for me. BUT… as I am so much closer to a goal weight or at least a weight where I feel happy, comfortable and healthy it seems like it is harder to lose weight. Perhaps I really do have less weight to lose and its going slow obviously.

No matter what I’m not really sweating it. Funny how last week I freaked out and it was the end of the world. This week not so much… I think it’s because in the grand scheme of things I really had some shitty ass eating days this week. My last Thursday thru Sunday were honestly pretty terrible. I ate lots of cookies, and a giant cupcake and a piece of cake and pizza and chips and lots and lots of nuts. Actually the list goes on and on. So if I can salvage all that with the exercise I put in and see any loss I am actually quite thrilled. Plus here is the cold hard truth, my muscles are sore. I have worked very hard the last two weeks in upping my physical strength and I can tell. I feel it and my body is building muscle. I have no scientific proof of this other than I can feel it.

I was thinking this morning and mentioning to Chris that clearly my body has slowed down and reached some sort of plateau on the weight loss. It is fine, I expected it. However, I was thinking it would be less than 145. The thing is officially my weight watchers goal has always been 140 and that was the high end of the scale. More than once I have gotten my body into the 130’s. The thing is I am truly comfortable and happy with 145. I don’t even think 5 pounds would make a huge difference on my body. I am just surprised that I am plateauing at 145 and some change. BUT… rationalizing it out I also feel like my fitness level is incredibly high right now. In fact perhaps those times before when I’ve been 136 pounds etc… I wasn’t functioning at this high of a fitness level. It’s quite possible that I have more muscle this time than before. Perhaps these are excuses I am telling myself to rationalize out my plateau but I honestly believe that I am in better physical shape than I can ever remember.

I think the fact is this is one of the longest stretches of time that I have actively exercised. I think that previous times when I have lost weight I don’t think I worked out as intense or pushed myself as much for so long and therefore probably formed the muscle I have today. By no means do I think I am a toned girl. I’ve got flab everywhere but my core strength is good. So if I don’t lose more weight but keep gaining muscle that really is the ultimate goal anyway. Would it be so bad to live at 145 for the rest of my life? I am guessing not. Especially if I continue to exercise and feel healthy and strong. I’ve never wanted to be a toothpick, instead really wanting to be a strong sexy confident woman. That has always been my ultimate goal.

With that in mind, here are some pictures I snapped yesterday because I completely loved this outfit and it made me feel all the good things that I want to feel. Pictures continue to remind me that no matter what a scale may say what is more important is what I see in the mirror; and how I feel on the inside.



Yes, I may eventually lose more weight; I may not but I am happy. I would like to lose the .5 pounds so its 145 even eventually. But that’s for me to work on this week I guess. I am mixing it up. I haven’t recorded any food for weeks and weeks so I honestly don’t know if I’m eating too much. I decided today to mix it up and threw out my coffee this morning and had a Greek yogurt instead. I’m going to try and go back to the basics this week… drink more water. I’ve been slacking on water consumption lately.

Anyway, last night Chris installed my new chandelier for me over my makeup table. This is how it looks installed. This is where I do my makeup every morning. What you can’t see in this picture is that the entire first drawer in that dresser there is filled with amazing make up options. I love nice pretty stuff. My bathroom is simply too small to do my make up in so I had to put this set up in my spare bedroom. It’s just another one of those places in my house that I love. It’s nice to have some really girly spaces.



The sun is shining today and the forecast for the weekend looks amazing. I am happy about that for sure. I am going to run to Safeway on my lunch for more avocados and bananas. I had my last avocado last night with chicken. So delicious. Always a go to staple. I have been having some fun refreshing my wardrobe with some new clothing options and of course picking up some fabulous pieces for the nice sunny weather. It really is so much more fun buying cute clothes in size 6’s and smalls and extra smalls. It’s really easy to take for granted how far you’ve come.

Anyway, it’s getting close to time to finish this up and get in a few sit-ups before I head out for my lunchtime errands.

May Joy

I can hardly believe it is May already. May is traditionally one of my favorite months and not just because it is my birthday, but usually because it is the start of nice weather and the upcoming summer season. The older I get the more I crave the sun and warmth. I could see myself being one of those snowbirds as I get older. I love Oregon completely but I could see heading somewhere warm for the winter. Anyway, May 1. One month exactly and I will be on a plane for a 10 day stay in Hawaii. I can’t believe it’s only a month away. It feels like just yesterday I was booking the trip. The older I get the more time seems to fly as well.

I am not sure I have too much to say today. Some days are just like that which is probably fine I suppose. Last night I had a very nice run. I can definitely tell that my endurance is improving. I am pushing myself a little more and my body is keeping up. Love that. I’d say I feel like I am in pretty good shape. I am liking my 30 for 30 challenge. Today is day 3 and I totally am 3 for 3 so far. Not that this is shocking news. I am pretty dead on when I set challenges for myself. I really don’t like to fail at things. But sit ups are getting easier. I don’t think I was initially that good at sit-ups but slowly by surly they are improving. I guess that is the point after all.

I really am liking my outfit today and its making me feel confident and hot. Always a plus. And it is/was payday so that is nice as well. Of course that means I have to run tons of errands which I have done already, seeing as it’s the end of the day for me. The plan is to go home and get in a nice run but it won’t be anything like my last two days of running since I worked way hard and I can feel I’m a little more tired today. But I will do a nice run and call it good and of course see what tomorrow morning brings me. I have zero idea and zero expectation. I love how last week I was so sure and wanted my 145 so bad, this week, eh… not so much. I obviously don’t feel like I worked hard enough to get 145 on the scale but who the hell knows. If I am certain of anything it’s that I know nothing as far as the scale is concerned.

All I really know is that I am strong or feel strong and love feeling how much smaller I’m getting when I lie down in bed. Totally my favorite thing to do. I gauge my stomach fat or my improvement on when I’m lying down how much of a bulge hangs over where my flat stomach should be. It is getting considerably less these days. I suspect when you are close to losing 75 pounds or over 1/3 of your entire body weight that the bulge really should be less. Plus I mean the sit ups are helping. I can tell. It may not seem like a lot but I think it’s the consistency of doing them every day that is making my stomach muscles tighter. It won’t get rid of the pure extra skin but it does make the muscles under them a little more toned. Yeah to that.

Here’s hoping tomorrow’s date with the scale doesn’t throw me into a tailspin but I don’t see how it could. There is pretty much no number, baring a gain that would throw me off. Please don’t be a gain! I am feeling very happy and confident these days and that is what matters most to me right now. Tomorrow might be a different story but today I am one happy camper.