Friday-ness

It takes me a few hours in the morning to really get warmed up. It’s approximately 10 AM and finally something has kicked in and I am feeling peppy and alive and thankful that it’s Friday. I think it might have been a generalized lack of sleep. Yeah, it happens. Last night I ran home after work to pick up my new phone (It came in too late in the afternoon for me to warrant a special trip home to pick it up) and then I went to mom’s house where I spent the evening hanging with my kids. It was actually really nice. I don’t get that much one on one time with them all that often.

The family was watching the Ducks football game and I really don’t care so much so yeah, I got to chill with my kids. We cut out shapes on the cricut machine and then me and Kayden looked thru a Victoria Secret catalog that came for me. Yeah, before you lecture me on the inappropriateness of such a situation, I should say that she is a VERY smart almost 6 year old and her parents treat her as such. We quickly passed thru the bra/panty section to hit up the clothes. This girl is a fashionista in the making so it was quite fun to sit there and flip the pages with her and discuss what clothes we liked, what shoes we would buy and how we would accessorize the hell out of that outfit. Bottom line is, it was actually quite fun.

I got to play with my new camera some. I took pictures in the automatic mode, did not get a chance to read the manual or figure out any of the fancy settings, just enough to snap some gorgeous photos of my little ones and have some fun. Maybe this afternoon I will play with the photos and post a couple. There are a few particularly cute ones of my kids.

Anyhow, the point is I don’t think I got home until almost 11 PM last night and by that point I was pretty tired. I knew I was tired because I slept in a lot longer than I should have this morning and look like hell now as a result of my rush job. My tummy is growling because it’s hungry… grr… But overall I finally feel awake enough to be grateful for the Friday-ness of the day. And yes, the Friday-ness is ultimately just the fact that TGIF is upon us.

I am actually quite excited to run this evening. I guess that’s how you know the perfect balance of rest and love for exercise co-exist. Some days running does in fact seem like a shore, but I tell you, take 2 days off and my fires are starting to burn and I can’t wait to get home, throw on my running shoes and let me feet do the work. Actually, I think it’s my legs that do most of the actual work… Regardless, I have a Biggest Loser to watch and that makes me really excited. Actually I need a good run to counter the two days of eh eating as well. Again last night could have been much worse but it wasn’t exactly stellar either. No point counting, but pizza was purchased with breadsticks. I had one slice of pizza (could so be worse) but I did have 2 breadsticks. They were mighty delish. I am more of a sucker for bread anyhow. I followed that up with a few handfuls of cheetos and a bite of a caramel desert thing. It’s not the end of the world and all will be find. It just is. Yeah, I no longer expect to lose weight at this rate, but this maintenance thing is just fine. For now.

This weekend’s goal is to stay relatively healthy for most of it. I had my indulgence the last two days so I really need to keep it clean for this weekend. I don’t have any major functions so hopefully that will be doable. Tomorrow I have to have the truck to Les Schwab at 8 and then the day is pretty much open. I need to avoid crap food and I need to avoid spending money. I’ve over indulged on both fronts and need to rein it in for a bit. Especially because I have a 2 week from tomorrow vacation to Vegas. Yup, 2 weeks from tomorrow I will be getting on my plane and for the love of God, I should be able to control both my eating and spending for 2 weeks in order to feel ready to tackle the world of Vegas. Geesh!

The sun is peaking out of the clouds and I am hoping it sticks around a while longer, like thru the weekend. It would be great to squeak out one more beautiful 70-ish weekend out of the summer before fall kicks in in full force. Yes, I do love fall, but one more weekend wouldn’t hurt anyone.

I need to start thinking a little more about what shoes I am going to wear in Vegas. I know, random topic or idea, but honestly it has me baffled. I am a high-heel kind of girl. I always wear gorgeous pumps with my jeans and t-shirts, well actually with anything. I think a good pair of pumps makes everything better. The thing is, I’m also a logical girl. I can’t wear pumps and spend my day walking around the strip. I am not a total gluten for punishment. There has to be an in-between in there somewhere where style and function meet. I just am not sure I’ve found it. I am not a tennis shoe with jean kind of girl, so where does that leave me? The last time I went to Vegas it was warm, like REALLY warm and flip flops worked awesome. I am afraid November is going to be too chilly for them. What is a girl to do? I considered the old wear comfort for walking but then change into gorgeous shoes for dinners and shows??? I just don’t know. My stylish brain can’t stand the tennis shoes, but my achy feet are already cringing at the walking long distances in high heels. Stupid random thoughts, but ignoring the issue won’t make it any easier come two weeks from now.

I am guessing its going to be an early lunch for me but what to have? Isn’t that the age old question or dilemma I seem to be having lately. I need to get back into the groove where I actually prepared food at home and brought it with me. Way better on the pocket book for sure. Dropping $3-$6 a day on lunch seems REALLY stupid. Maybe that can be a goal for this weekend, to prepare some meals a head of time that would be filling and appropriate for next week.

Alright, I guess that’s really all I have to say, actually its probably more than I really had to say, but whatever. It’s FRIDAY!!!

Present Day!

147.5

Yup, that is what my scale said this morning. I am learning to be consistent if nothing else. I can’t tell you for how long that scale has hovered between 145-150… Long time, well for me at least. In actuality it’s been about 2 ½ months I think. I guess after this weekend of indulgence I should be fairly thrilled about that. However, I did run Monday and Tuesday night.

Last night I did get to play with my kids and the food was okay. Not the best choices, but not the worst. Honestly I didn’t count points or measure food, I just ate a little and knew that I was probably fine, keeping it in the 25 point range for the day if I had to guess. But that would only be a guess at best. The thing is, I didn’t do too horrible and that’s an improvement. There will be no running tonight as I am equally as excited tonight to spend the evening with the kids. The family is watching the U of O football game, my brother in law is actually going to the game, I’m not so much a football fan so I probably am going to just play wit the kids. I am brining over my cricut machine to play with. For those of you who are not aware a cricut machine is a die-cut machine for crafting and scrapbooking. I think the kids will like cutting out fun shapes. And oh yeah, I do too :) Guess I’m still somewhat of a kid! Shocking.

I am excited because today I get my new camera… This…

Totally can’t wait to play with it. It is out on the UPS delivery truck right now. Hopefully I will be able to break away from work at an appropriate time today and run and pick it up, but we will see, depends when it comes, depends where I am and what I’m doing… I don’t really want to leave it sitting outside my house for to long. I mean, I trust my neighborhood and knock on wood I’ve never had anything stolen from my house, but still, aside from not wanting it to sit there, I also want to play!!! I read more about it yesterday online and have to say with the more info I read, the more excited I get. Seriously sounds like a perfect camera for me. Small, compact and yet has great zoom, features, and capabilities. I will let you know.

Also in the same order, I got this:

Yes, my name is Emily, and yes, I may be chronologically 31 years old, but as stated above, I am actually secretly a child. Okay, it’s no secret I’ve always adored Barbie and I love fashion so this calendar is going to sport the walls of my rocking in home gym. Its kind of the glam look I go for which for some reason totally helps me stay motivated on the treadmill.

Tonight I shall play with my kiddos again, maybe snap a few photos of them on my swank new camera and then when they leave on Friday :( (Sad frowny face here!) I will go back to rocking some good healthy eating and a good solid run with the Biggest Loser as my background. Friday night I have a lovely date with treadmill. Then Saturday morning at 8 AM I have an appointment at Les Schwab to have the brakes on the truck looked at AGAIN. It’s a never ending battle. Get new brakes installed a while ago and they continue to squeak fierce, despite having already been in to be looked at. It’s actually quite embarrassing while driving. Other than that, I don’t have too many exciting plans for the weekend.

I honestly can’t believe its Thursday already. I like how quickly time is going by, I really do because that means I get closer to Vegas which is kind of my current I’m so excited thing. Then after Vegas it’s definitely the holiday season, which is completely my favorite. Fall/Winter Thanksgiving and Christmas. The most magical time of the year for sure.

Hmm… not sure what’s on the agenda for me today. I mean work wise. I also don’t have any lunch picked out. Not sure what I’m going to do there either. Let’s see Monday I had subway, Tuesday was a Wendy’s salad and yesterday was a Jamba Juice pizza… hmm… not sure what I’m hitting up today. We will see.

Guess I should be getting to work now. Maybe I’ll be back later today, who knows!

My kiddos

T minus 1 hour until I get to see my kiddos... Yeah! This is them in Vegas a couple weeks ago... they are getting so big :)And yes, this is them inside the Beatles Revolution lounge sign. They are such posers. Kayden watches way to much top model. Seriously, watches tons of Top Model with her mom. Can't believe she is going to be 6 in a couple months and E-man is already 2... geesh!

My private place

I’ve decided that it’s okay to post random thoughts just for myself. I know I used to always post and obviously thought it was okay but I think deep down part of me was doing it because I knew someone else was reading it. I don’t think anyone is reading now and I’m okay with that. Especially since today I decided to take this blog private. If you are reading this then that’s because you’ve previously, like years ago, read and commented on this blog and I added you to a list somewhere. Basically I just don’t think I want the random world to be able to stop by and read my life. Boy how the years have changed me. I’m okay with this. I’m okay with these thoughts being just for me. In a lot of ways it’s just easier for me. I think it’s the age old debate of as much as we love the people in our lives; at what point do you deserve something that’s totally private, just for you? This blog was my privacy for a while, and then I let everyone in, then it changed and evolved and while I no longer feel the need to talk in great lengths about all the details of my life, I still deserve a place to post my thoughts without having my real life dissect it. It’s an interesting thing.

Needless to say, all I will say is that I think someone from my real life read something I posted in the past couple of days, not a big deal at all. I posted nothing that I wouldn’t openly share with anyone, however, I don’t like having words or thoughts thrown at me unexpectedly, therefore, this is probably my best course of action. Okay, end of that.

Last night, fully knowing that tonight and tomorrow night I was going to bag on the exercise because I have little kids to hug and squeeze on, I pushed myself a little extra hard and I’m glad for it. I did 82 minutes, 9.1 miles, about 1100 calories burned. Maybe, fingers crossed, that will help keep me on track a bit today. I don’t know, we will see. I have to admit I don’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to eating at my mom’s house when people are around. Hello this last weekend, prime example. But I never want to give into negative ways of thinking. Anything is possible; I am quite capable of good eating if I want to. Part of me thinks that I’ve just decided to allow myself to be complacent with where I’m at because it’s comfortable and I don’t really feel like there’s anything wrong with how I look right now. Eh.

Sure, I’m fine with where I’m at, but don’t think for a second that I don’t worry about gaining 5 pounds, and then 10 and then not being comfortable with where I’m at. Maintenance has never ever been my strong suit. Great at losing weight, maintaining has always eluded me. I’m working on it. I honestly can’t gain any weight because that wedding dress won’t fit me appropriately if I do. Seriously, there’s not room for 5 or 10 extra pounds in there. Don’t get me wrong that is always in the back of my mind, but so is the reality that May is a long time away. Whatever. None of this really bothers me to much. I am not stressed or that worried about it. It will all even out. As long as I can keep putting in about 3 good solid hour long runs a week everything shall be fine. I think running 3 times a week is great or me. If its 3 or if I manage 4 one week, all the better, but mostly I’ve been averaging 3 and I’m totally comfortable with that.

Last night I was starting to think perhaps I was becoming an alcoholic. Okay that’s a complete exaggeration. I really hate the taste of alcohol and only like it conveniently disguised in a margarita or fruity drink form. Anyhow, after running I really was jonzing for a margarita, thus the panic fear that I was addicted to drinking. I did get a cup of ice, blended it in the mixer with my couple shots of sugar free margarita mix and threw in the one shot of tequila. It made two drinks and I realized that actually I just like the whole slushy aspect and really could live without the alcohol. Guess I must now be that raving alcoholic, as I could totally just make this with the ice and sugar free mix (10 cal per ounce), and be happy. Perhaps that’s the way to get my fix. Honestly not a drinker here.

In case you were ever tempted or wondering, using a paper clip as a bobby pin in your hair is not such a good idea. While it may seem tempting because it contains a lot of similar properties, it really is NOT the same thing. The paperclip goes in all smooth, but trying to pull it out, yeah, not so fun. Just thought I’d share.

I watched Jackie Warnier’s Workout last night, the last two episodes of it. I have to say for the most part I detest this show. I only watch it because it is people working out, but they are the most awful, deplorable human beings. I really hate them. Spoiled rich ungrateful whiney individuals. Biggest Loser was last night, which I normally would watch tonight, but given my desire to spend the evening loving my kiddos, I’m passing. Biggest Loser will have to wait until Friday night when my kids are no longer around.

Wedding Dress

Here's a sneak peak at my wedding dress.... Of course it will all fit perfect when its done, and I removed the train and added the sweetheart neckline, etc.... But anyway, this is the dress I am in love with! (Please ignore the hair which obviously was not done appropriately for the occasion and also note that honestly this picture doesn't do the dress as much justice as it deserves. It felt amazing on and looked crazy good!!!) Okay it made me feel crazy good and therefore I thought it LOOKED crazy good, and ultimately its all about how I feel anyway.

WWJD

In keeping with the whole I’m going to be accountable theme, thought I should really come on here and say that despite not wanting to, I ultimately did in fact make myself run last night. I am sure that’s not too shocking, not even to me, but there was a serious moment where I almost walked thru the door and plopped down on the couch and devoured food. This would be despite the whole vomiting incident of the night before, somehow my brain doesn’t always learn. Nonetheless, I opted for the better route and changed into workout clothes and hit the treadmill. I did however find myself bored. That was a new feeling. I was running at a comfortable speed, and while I love Brothers and Sisters, the TV show, it isn’t the most exciting treadmill watching material. Tonight is the biggest loser, but I won’t watch it tonight because I run right when I get home, not at 8 PM. Anyhow. The bottom line is I pulled my shit together yesterday and completed a very nicely productive day. After my run we had spaghetti for dinner. Spaghetti is definitely one of my favorite foods, and fairly healthy all things considered. 3 points for a cup of whole wheat pasta, 3 points for 3 ounces of Jeanio low fat turkey (ya know, the Biggest Loser pimped stuff) and 2 points for some sauce. So yeah, 8 points. Delish.

I somehow managed to avoid the entire cheesecake (less a piece I ate on Sunday) in the fridge. Nope, no cheesecake for this girl today. Chris ate some, which is perfectly acceptable and really the reason I bought it anyway. Today has been very healthy and productive. I had one of those new Wendy’s apple pecan salads for lunch. A ½ one without the pecan’s, but still delicious anyway. I am sucking on my diet coke and enjoying what is left of our nice fall weather. It’s lovely out today, I am sure that is bound to change any time now.

My sister is coming tomorrow for 2 days with her kiddos. My sister who lives south with my niece and nephew, oh yeah, my brother in law’s coming too… but mostly I can’t wait to hug and squeeze on my children. Nope, they aren’t mine, but they are the closest I am ever going to come to having my own kids. That ship has sailed for me as I don’t think I am ever going to have them. My choice and I’m comfortable with that. Anyhow, therefore those kids are like the best freaking things. This means no running tomorrow night; I wouldn’t trade hugging on my kiddos for anything. Thus tonight another run is definitely on the agenda. I might have to figure out something else to watch on TV though, something a little more action-y. Ah, maybe I do need to get some pumping music. Not sure.

Less than 3 weeks till Vegas. I’m pretty excited. I get to see Beatles Love again. This is totally my favorite experience in Vegas last time. Speaking of that, I find this ironic or interesting. Not sure what it means, but the first time we were in Vegas we bought our Beatles Love tickets from one of those ticket places on the strip. It was a last minute decision and we paid well above the face value of the ticket. We were in the very first row of the balcony. Loved the tickets. Loved being up and seeing it from that angle. Anyhow, this time I called the box office directly to get tickets. I wanted to sit in the front row of the balcony and on an isle seat. The gentleman was very nice and proceed to tell me we’d be in section … seat … and … I’m like cool. Perfect. Come home and show Chris where the tickets are on a map and he’s like, I think those are the same seats as before. I’m like you’re smoking crack, no way in the whole freaking huge theatre we end up in the same seats. I’m intrigued so I dig thru my box of memorabilia and find my tickets from last time and sure enough Chris was right, they are the SAME EXACT seats. How the hell does that happen? Seriously. I think we are destined for those seats. Crazy. Well at least we know what we are getting ourselves into :)

I can’t wait to go and get away. Just can’t wait… I used to post on facebook more during the day but then one of my bosses and his wife friended me and now I can’t possibly post during the day for them to see that I’m not working but instead posting on facebook. Annoying, I’m considering un-friending them, but do you think that is not nice??? I’m considering my options on that front. The thing is, I really like them both and would consider them friends.

I bought a new digital camera on amazon today. I wanted a smaller compact camera with decent zoom and I think I found it in the Panasonic Lumix DMC-ZS7 12.1 MP Digital Camera with 12x Optical Image Stabilized Zoom and 3.0-Inch LCD (Black)… I think this is also going to be a great camera for my upcoming (not till next May) Maui vacation/wedding/honeymoon. I haven’t booked the trip and won’t for a while, but definitely know that next May-ish I’m going to Maui to get married on the beach with just Chris and I. But come on, I need a good camera. Thought I might as well get it now and try it out in Vegas. The reviews were awesome on this camera and while a little more than I wanted to spend on a camera, I think its totally going to be worth it in the end. I’m excited. I should get it on Thursday and then I get to play with it! Also a good camera is kind of the essential back bone of a scrapbooker as well. Plus my current camera, purchased at least 4 years ago is looking awfully grainy in photos and its pissing me off. It’s time for a new one.

I have to say that I believe I have an unhealthy love for Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper. And when I say unhealthy I feel like they are my friends and I’m somehow part of their lives. I seriously go around the day thinking, oh Jillian would be so mad at me right now (when I eat bad things) or Bob doesn’t do this or that. I say unhealthy because for two TV personalities I think about them way to much in my daily life. It’s disturbing. Not sure what that means, just that I constantly am saying, WWJD… and no, its not the typical what would jesus do (so not religious girl here), its What would Jillian do? Hmm… I am guessing she’d get her but in gear, finish up her daily tasks and then get her mind and body prepared for a good afternoon ass-kicking workout. Yup, that’s definitely what Jillian would do!

Over indulgence

Ah Monday’s, how I generally loathe thee. I was running wickedly late this morning, due to a series of events put into motion yesterday. Actually, back the gravy train up, I think the series of events started Friday really. After work I had every intention of going home and running and being super fabulously healthy. Key word being intention. It didn’t happen as my mom called and wanted me to stop by after day 1 of the garage sale and hang for a while with my aunts. Yup. I adore my aunts, wanted some bonding and out the door went exercise. Eh, no big deal. Likewise the wine I drank and Chinese food eaten no big deal. One day won’t kill anyone.

Saturday was up and at em for the garage sale. It was actually a lot of fun hanging out with my mom and two favorite aunts. But the food consumption was just whatever and whenever. Including pizza and crackers. Then this was followed up by a Saturday night trip to Applebee’s for ½ price appetizers and margaritas. Delicious. Okay, two days of decadence. Cool… I can be good on Sunday. I should really know better by now that this is not going to happen. The over-indulgence continued with not one buy two trips to McDonald’s. I am not totally sure how it happened, just that it did. It was an early lunch of nuggets and fries. Then it was a few errands around town including stopping to get a full cheesecake for Chris. Beer and Mike’s Light were also on the list. Anyhow, needless to say, more bad choices, whatever. I’m not even upset really. Then Chris went riding with his friends said he was starving and wanted to stop and get some food and McDonald’s it was. (In all fairness it’s really close to the house thus easy). To mix it up I got a chicken sandwich and fries.

All of this would be totally fine if it weren’t for the fact that the Mike’s Light ended up giving me a killer headache and the overindulgence of food had me up at midnight puking my guts out. Even after round one I tried to sleep and found it elusive for an hour or so, leading me to promptly jump out of bed around 1 AM and sprint to the toilet for round 2. Once round 2 commenced I did finally feel better and the headache dissipated and I was finally able to sleep.

I woke up this morning not wanting to start my day, thus the late start. It’s Monday and therefore the special of the day at Subway is the turkey breast/ham sandwich and that is exactly what I had along with some baked chips and I’m feeling pretty contented now. It is 100% the plan to go home and have a nice run. Mostly I’m posting that here so that I must do it because half the time after not exercising for a few days it’s the last thing I WANT to do, despite loving it so much. Therefore I have to say it out loud as if I have no choice in the matter, which I don’t. See. I said it. I’m trying to mean it. Run today. I need to have a good week to counterbalance the indulgence of the weekend. I did manage to make $300 at the garage sale which is actually pretty damned amazing really. I ended up selling tons of my brand new products I’ve gotten from couponing for free for $1 each, and boy that stuff flew off the table like hot cakes. And somehow I had $300 to put into an envelope for Vegas.

Yes, I am heading to Vegas in 3 weeks and I’m totally excited. I just can’t wait to get away. I need a good vacation, and some fun! Yeah Vegas. Also, I’ve been into scrapbooking lately and just want to take pictures so that I can assemble a pretty scrapbook, much like the one I did for my Maui trip last year. Anyhow, yes the combination of fun and trip and the possibility to scrapbooking goodness are too much for to bear and the excitement gets me  I’m an uber geek!

Anyway, about a week ago I did a classic Emily move meaning I was wearing some flip flops and I took a step out into my garage and did the classic thing where your foot slides off the flip flop onto the side totally twisting and messing up your foot. Otherwise referred to as spraining your foot. Or at the very least hurting it badly. That night I had to ice it and didn’t want to walk. I did manage to get in exercise last week, but it still isn’t totally right. Oh mind you, I shall push thru and run again tonight, but it’s not right and it’s annoying me. It will be fine it’s just an annoyance and it’s frustrating that something so stupid can happen AGAIN. I’ve definitely done this before.

Anyhow, puking your guts out is not fun therefore it’s a good reminder of why I shouldn’t eat like that for days on end and also a good reminder to try and keep it under control while in Vegas because I don’t want to be sick while on vacation. No fun. Keep everything under control to some extent so that I can actually enjoy it. 2 ½ hours left of work and then its home to run. I can get thru 2.5 hours.

We watched the first hour of the Event last night. I have them all on my DVR box and have to say I’m intrigued, but I also was the hugest Lost fan and it has some of that intrigue and mystery about it, so I’m definitely looking forward to getting into it a little more. I also recorded and watched about 3 hours of Say Yes to the Dress on TLC last night too. I think I’ve probably seen every episode, but I sat there for about 3 hours watching the 6 episodes. I only mention this because last night for that hour of delirium when I didn’t feel well I kept having these little nightmares or visions of dress shopping and I kept feeling like I had to buy a wedding dress, but I kept telling the people, No, but I really do love my dress. I already have one. Too much say yes to the dress I suppose. But at least I really like my dress :)

I think that’s about it.

Eventful Events

It’s been a pretty eventful couple of weeks for me. While continually coming to terms with the reality that my body is pretty set at this weight, I’ve decided I’m okay with that. I think its part of the elusive balance that I’ve failed to find my whole life but FINALLY seem to be accepting. I’d rather be 146-150 pounds for the rest of my life then spend the rest of it going from 135 to 200 pounds, and at every stop in between. Its called balance to eat well and make good decisions most of the time, exercise 3-4 times a week and then if I choose to go out to dinner on a weekend, have some appetizers, margaritas and maybe even a desert. My body has learned how to do this and stay in that magical 146-150 range. It’s comfortable there and I’m comfortable there.

Actually I am so much more comfortable with myself, my body and what’s going on inside my head than I’ve been at any point in my life. I feel a calm sense of; I’d say complacency which probably isn’t a good thing, but a calm sense of acceptance. Yes, acceptance is correct. That old adage, accept the things you can not change, blah blah blah, and the ability to know the difference, (Yeah, I forgot the first part of the adage). Anyhow, the point is I’ve accepted, and I actually mean accepted some things that beyond my control. I’m past any point where I torture myself with exercise or food denial. I actually can’t believe how cruel I used to be to myself. Yes, I love running. I’ve always loved running and while it has never been torture or a punishment for me, I tended to use it as that at points in my life.

I’ve actually learned the idea that it’s okay to not run if I don’t feel like it. It’s actually perfectly okay for me to go 4 days in a row and not exercise and not completely blow my staying healthy. I like to run. So I consciously chose to run when I can, when it fits into my life, instead of forcing my life around it. Big difference. I will not be running this evening for instance because I am going to my moms to help her get ready for her garage sale tomorrow. No big deal. I ran last night. I did a nice 80 min, 8.5 mile, 1000 calorie burned run last night. And that was a GREAT workout for me. Because I was in the zone and I was loving every minute of it, and oh yeah, totally watching the Biggest Loser too.

Balance is divine. I have to say the last couple months have been much calmer for me. I mean the voices in my head have quieted some. I’d like to say that’s an exaggeration, but its actually not. It’s probably not a surprise to know that I’m pretty crazy. But honestly, mental illness is a very serious topic and yeah I have my fair share of family history and actually illness inside that head. So basically the voice in my head is my own voice (I don’t hear other people’s voices!) But the voice in my head that tends to never shut up has learned to quite down and it’s nice.

Oh boy, this is not what I wanted to write about at all actually. I wanted to say that last week Chris and I were discussing how badly we needed a vacation, just a mini one to get away and on a whim booked a trip to Vegas. Yeah! We are going for 4 days, leaving on Sat. Nov 6 coming back on Tuesday Nov 9. I am beyond excited because I’m totally in need of a fun mini trip. And for the record I completely plan on spending the 4 days walking around with a margarita in my hand, like permanently. Okay, I hate being drunk and hate being sick, but I enjoy a good buzz, so I plan on being permanently buzzed…. Oh, and I’m totally hitting up the Cupcake place. There is this place with those fancy cupcakes you see on those food network cupcake cook-offs… Cupcake Wars, anyway I totally salivate at the fancy cupcakes and I’m so getting me a dozen cupcakes in a variety and having my own mini taste test. I don’t really plan on eating a dozen cupcakes just bites of each decedent kind, okay, being honest, perhaps a couple bites of each :) But its Vegas so who cares!

Also, on another front, this last weekend another milestone happened. I purchased a Wedding Dress. Yes, I actually put a down payment on and ordered my wedding dress. It’s a mermaid style and very me. I loved it the moment I put it on. I actually felt amazing and therefore knew it was perfect. It’s very fitted and I’m having them put a sweetheart neckline it and taking the train off because I’m planning on getting married on the beach in Maui and don’t want the train dragging in the sand. Anyhow, it’s amazing and I love it. And I have a photo of it and right now it’s in my purse and I pull it out and smile a couple times a day. I am sure the newness and excitement will wear off at some point, but for now I’m going with it. And given that’s its so fitted and all I’m actually impressed by the fact that I feel so gorgeous in it and honestly my body looks good. I may not be 120 pounds, but as I stated before I am so happy living in 146-150 land that I looked good. I look womanly, I have curves and it’s all okay.

You can say what you want, but its very easy for me to not give myself credit, my body may be quite used to my hour long runs, but its still a lot of work and its still amazing if I really think about it, that I am actually capable of running for 60 minutes without stopping, without hesitating. I can do that. My body can do that. Yeah me. I am learning to try and give myself more credit. I don’t’ do a lot of things right, but I certainly can give myself credit for the good that I do.

Oh, and one more thing, I am recently addicted to the Mediterranean Flatbread that Jamba Juice has. It’s basically a mini pizza, and it tastes like a wonderful warm delicious mini pizza. Its 310 calories, 8 grams of fat I think and some amount of fiber… I don’t exactly remember all the nutritionals, but I do know its 6 points and amazing. I get tired of my subway sandwich for lunch and decided to mix it up and boy was it worth it. It’s like eating a little personal pizza and with every bite I wonder how this could only be 6 points for the whole thing. Fabulous!!!

Anyway, that’s all I got for now.

What a difference almost 4 months makes. I find that for whatever reason I don’t need this place like I once did, almost six or seven years ago when I started this journey for the first time, and I needed to post every day. Obviously I don’t need to post at all, but occasionally I guess there is reason or merit to it. I can tell you that when I went back to weight watchers the beginning of May of this year I weighed in at 193 pounds. Not a happy number, not a place I wanted to be again. For I don’t know the fifth time??? Just kidding, but it definitely was too high of a number. Anyhow, just shy of 5 months later I am down 45 pounds, and am at a healthy reasonable 148 pounds. No, I am not at my goal weight of 140 pounds, but honestly I am not sure when I’m going to get there. I’ve been hovering at 148 pounds for a solid month now. My body likes it here and I’m living my life very well. I go out, I over indulge I can have a margarita and I can still fit into my happy clothes. Yes, I have a stack of 10 pairs of jeans that would probably fit if I were 140 pounds, but I might be a grumpy bitch who never got to drink a margarita.

I don’t feel any crazy pressure. I don’t feel like I have to run psychotically. In fact most weeks these days I’m only running about 4 times a week. Some weeks its 3, some weeks its 5 days. But honestly not more than 5 days a week and that’s barely. I feel very balanced. Balance is not a word I am too familiar with. My weight loss efforts finally feel balanced. I am not doing anything I wouldn’t/couldn’t do for the rest of my life. For instance, this last week I ran on Wednesday night, I ran Thursday night, an hour each night, right around 6 miles each time. I took of Friday night, came home and ate too much instead :) But the point is, I was able to open a box of crackers and just eat from it without counting anything, and just eat Better Cheddars because I wanted to. Eat a handful of almonds, eat Gold fish crackers, etc., and just let it go. Then Saturday night I went out to Red Lobster, made good choices, no butter etc, but then had a wonderful raspberry margarita. No guilt, no shame. Just had one and it felt great.

Yesterday I was home all day and ended up running more out of pure boredom because I wanted to kill time and I was having fun, not because I felt pressure to. I did 2 workouts during an awfully boring 8 hour day and finished with close to 2 hours, 13.3 miles, around 1500 calories burned. Honestly, this is the most intense workout I’ve had in months. This is the first time I’ve exercised for more than an hour in a day for a very long time. Usually it’s just my standard 60 minutes, somewhere between 6 and 7 miles. It works for me. Sure, I could tweak my efforts to get myself to 140 pounds but I’m not exactly sure what for at this point? I’m happy, I’m living my life, I’m eating well, I’m exercising, I get to indulge when I want. Things are good.

I do feel like the national spokesperson for Subway though. I swear I have a subway sandwich for lunch 3 times a week at least. It’s good, it’s healthy, and it’s filling. It gives me energy and keeps me going. That’s what I’m going to have today.

I feel like when I turned 30, or perhaps it just the passage of time coinciding with my turning 30, I just feel calmer about my life, or a smidge of acceptance with who I am. Sure, I still have breakdowns, or moments of weakness where I hate my body or think it’s not good enough. But they are few and far between and I am happy and at peace with who I am. I knew 193 pounds was unhealthy for me, I felt unhealthy and unhappy. If I get to 140 pounds great, it will happen naturally as I’m living my life and that would be fine, as then it would truly be something I could maintain. But I won’t force anything this time. I am who I am.


I think the best evidence is the photographic kind, so here are some photos of me today that I just snapped. I could make some comment about what I don’t like about them, but the truth is, they aren’t too bad. I’m okay with the image I see. It’s not perfect, but how boring would that be anyway. I am who I am.

Totally random

Yeah to it being Thursday at 4 PM. Yeah, because that means one more hour, then I get to head home and then I’m out for the weekend, heading down South to visit the family. That is exciting and I do intend to have fun. Not that one ever intends to have a miserable time, so that might be a really stupid statement. Nonetheless, I am getting excited and ready to leave work for sure.

I went to Rite-Aid again this afternoon, after my Wendy’s lunch (Cesar Side Salad and part of a plain baked potato) and ran into my favorite checker. Okay, I could guess she was going to be there. Anyway, when she came in she came over to me and asked if today was one of the days I was working… I told her about only working part time, I said yeah, why? She was like, oh, well, I am having this massive craving for lemon drops and I can’t leave work, would you mind running to a nearby store and getting some for me… I said sure, after all, I do tons of transactions with this girl and I like her a lot. Anyway, it was just funny to me that she asked me to run an errand for her. I totally didn’t mind. I am sure we’d be friends in real life, not that we aren’t friends, but we are like store friends. Anyhow. I got lots of good stuff today again for another whopping 37 cents including tons of physicians formula makeup and 6 packs of 8 packs of Duracell A batteries. I also got 2 more pairs of kid’s sunglasses, another energy drink, and 2 things of Coppertone sun block. I have tons of Coppertone sun block these days. Anyhow, I will get $10 back in rebate for the batteries. So again I made some money today. This is what my life is about, work a little, shop a little, and make a little money each day. It does add up.

So last night I did come home and kicked some ass on the treadmill. I ran for 60 minutes, I tried to up the speed a little bit and ended up in my 60 minute run doing a very solid 6.15 miles, 850 calories burned. I knew tonight would be taken off from running so I had to work a little more last night. I have been watching this last season of the Biggest Loser this whole month on the treadmill. I watched the second to the last episode last night. Now all I have left is the 2 hour finale which I won’t get to watch until I come back home Sunday night and make myself exercise so that I can watch the stupid show. Somehow this season didn’t make me cry nearly as much as seasons past. I am not sure if I just didn’t connect with the people as much. The episode I just watched was the one where they ran their Biggest Loser marathon, which I have to admit did push me thru when I felt a little more tired running. I also have to say I felt more emotion watching the past contestants pop up to inspire during the race than I did for the actual contestants. I was annoyed at Daris for gaining weight while at home. Annoyed that he was given such a gift to be on the ranch and when he got home he ate. I like the boy and I just want him to succeed and I fear he won’t make it in the long run.

I don’t know what the hell I’m going to watch on the treadmill now that my Biggest Loser is 1 episode away from being done. Seriously! Yes, there is this new Jillian Michaels show which I am recording which makes me go, Thank God there’s something inspiring on, but I fear it won’t be enough to keep me going daily. It’s only on once a week. I’m totally going to have to find something else.

I am also in the market for an elliptical machine. Not so much for me, but for Chris. He keeps trying to get on the treadmill and walk/run, but he has horrible knees and he will do an hour of walking and then the next day be in terrible pain, take a week to recover and then somehow think he can get on there and do it again. Bless his heart, he just wants to exercise. And then the whole process starts over again. It’s not good. I am thinking an elliptical might be better on his joints. At least that is what research says or something like that. Also, I really wouldn’t mind having another piece of exercise equipment around. I will never give up my treadmill and running. That means too much to me, but to supplement with 20 minutes on an elliptical, especially to move my arms more might not be a bad thing. I have the room in the gym, well, I would if I got rid of some of all the free crap I’ve accumulated over the last 4 months. I would probably get one this weekend if it weren’t for the whole leaving thing. Maybe next week sometime. I’m working on it.

Hmm… getting closer to time to go. Guess I should finish up some stuff.

Condensed Week

I know it’s been over a week since I’ve posted, and that’s mostly because working last week, or rather not working or kind of being on call really threw me off. It was actually more of a bother than I thought it would be. Last Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday despite not supposed to be working I was kind of beck and call girl and worked a lot more than I should have. Thursday was then my 31st Birthday which ended up being a pretty nice day. I shopped. I haven’t really shopped for anything personal for myself in a very long time so it felt both nice and scary to walk into Victoria Secret and spend $80. No coupons. Just hand over my debit card and pay $80. I did get 6 pairs of underwear and 2 bras so it’s not like I was completely crazy. Also, I really needed them. Anyhow, I wish they were smaller sizes but for now they will do. I should also mention Last Tuesday, the 25th I lost 1.2 pounds, making a total of 10 pounds lost in the three weeks. I was okay with that. Thought I had worked harder but it all evens out.

Then this weekend hit and me and my mom hit up the shopping, as in coupon shopping hardcore. I got tons of stuff, actually made quite a bit of money. I work Rite-Aid of all places to make lots of money in rebates. Ridiculous for sure. Anyhow, in the 2 days of shopping I made like $330.00. Yes, MADE on top of spending pretty much nothing out of pocket and getting over $1000 in product. I am pretty dang good at couponing. You know how crazy and obsessive my personality is that allows me to do weight watches so well, yeah, that extends to coupon girl as well. She is pretty good at it. Plus my intelligence makes me a crazy good target.

For instance today I stopped by rite-aid and checked out with my favorite checker girl. I’ve actually developed a relationship with the checkers at my Rite-Aid. Anyhow, I did two separate transactions. One transaction total before coupons = $67.77. Second transaction total before coupons = $69.79. I handed over my coupons and the first transaction cost me 33 cents and the second one cost 6 cents. Yes, a total of $137.56 in product for a whopping total of 39 cents PLUS I get back $10 at the end of the month in a check made out to me for some of these purchases. Basically the net result is I made $9.61 free and clear to take home my $137 dollars worth of product. Now, a lot of the trick is buying the right product that is on sale, that triggers rebates, that has coupons, etc… there are whole websites devoted to this practice that I have learned to frequent.
What did I get for my $137.56 today? Well, I got 2 cans of beef broth, 3 bottles of Veet, 2 bottles of Nivea Body wash, 4 bottles of TreSeme hair care, 3 Monster Energy Drinks, 1 birthday card for my sister, 6 bottles of different nivea for men face washes, 2 physicians formula eyeliners, a can of del Monte corn, and 2 Pairs of little kids Barbie sunglasses. I think that was it for today. Most of this product I didn’t want and/or need, but buying the right products allows for money back and gets you some product you do want. I did want the card for my sister, I did pick up the 3 energy drinks because I wanted them, and the 2 pairs of kids Barbie sunglasses are for my niece who I will be visiting this upcoming weekend. I made the $10 from all the Nivea product. I DON’T need anymore body wash/face wash product, you should see my insane stockpile. Someday I really should take a photo of the crazy amounts of product that have overtaken my gym. But my end result, story is, but it was all free, or rather I MADE money. I am really good at making money on product actually. All I can say is that I had the right amount of coupons to get the product for the price I do. It is completely legal and legitimate. I go to Rite Aid multiple times a week and use coupons and pay nothing for product and have a pile of receipts that confirm it is fine.

Anyhow, that was just today. I can’t even being to tell you how much shit I got over the weekend and how much money I’m getting back. Good times.

So anyway, my life was busy coupon shopping this weekend. I did get in a workout on Wednesday, took Thursday my birthday off, got in a workout on Friday, got in a great one on Saturday and then took Sunday off because my legs hurt from the crazy good intense workouts on Friday and Saturday. Then I worked out both Monday night and Tuesday night. I plan on going home and hitting it again tonight. I need to because I leave right after work tomorrow to head down to visit my family. My youngest sister graduates from College this weekend and it’s also her birthday on Friday so lots of family events this weekend. I won’t be exercising tomorrow night. Although I plan on bringing workout clothes and at least hitting up a run on Friday if nothing else. She actually graduates on Saturday.

Anyway, yesterday was weigh-in and I rocked the scale again after that 1.2 pound loss the previous week. Shockingly, somehow I lost 4.2 pounds this week making it a total of 14.2 pounds lost in 4 weeks. But at least I have not given up either the exercise or the couponing. I am managing to find a balance somehow of both activities that I do love.

I should talk about my workouts a little bit. Some are harder and some just fly by. But either way, I have great days where I can actually run. Twice I have run for 60 minutes straight. Mind you, I am not running fast, but consistent. I can tell I am improving and that is all I’m going for. In a months time I am able to run consistently and that is so much more than I can say when I started a month ago.

Going in reverse order this is the last week or so of exercise:

June 1 (yesterday Tuesday): 60 minutes (Run 48) 5.1 miles, 720 cal
May 31: 65 min. (run 45) 5 miles, 700 cal
May 29: 2 hours (2 different 1 hr. workouts) Total = 9.6 miles, 1300 cal
May 28: 1 hr 50 min (2 different workouts) Total = 10.1 miles, 1450 cal this is where I ran a solid 60 minutes in a row… yeah!
May 26: 90 minutes (Run 85 of 90!) total – 11.1 miles, 1530 cal…. Yeah, this was my best workout, I rocked it!!!!

I will try and get in an hour tonight. I have been working yesterday/today and tomorrow full 8 hour days so I can’t get in as much exercise. Like I said, this weekend will be hard. No exercise tomorrow, Friday I have to make myself exercise. Will take Saturday off. I will travel home on Sunday but will try and get in a run Sunday night. That will remain to be seen. Next week is supposed to be my light week at work. 7 hours total for the week, but we will see. I should be able to get in some better workouts next week.

I am loving my running right now and don’t really seem to mind eating less food than the days of chowing down full on McDonald’s meals. It’s nice to know that in 4 weeks I can take 14.2 pounds off my body. I still have lots more to go, but now I once again believe it’s possible. Sometimes you just need to get that jump start to believe you can do it. You need to see a little success to keep you going in the right direction. That is exactly where I’m at. I will never profess to have any answers as clearly I keep replaying this same game over and over again. Lose the weight, love myself for a while, gain the weight back, etc…. but I ALWAYS believe this time can be different. Naively I go into it every time thinking this one could be the time that it actually sticks. Stranger things have happened, I mean I actually have a savings account, and that is something I never thought I’d be able to do. I haven’t overdrawn my checking account in almost a year so people are capable of change. Why can’t my weight loss endeavors really stick this time? I am every day growing and changing and maybe I can do this this time, FINALLY.

Until then I am enjoying the balance I have struck between the different faucets of my world. I managed thru both Chris’s 31st birthday last Tuesday and my 31st birthday last Thursday, eating out, seeing Sex and the City 2 (which I thought stunk actually!) so I am sure I can handle this weekend. Although this will be the first real test of being completely back on program and being away from home. Having to get in the exercise and eating healthy in the presence of celebratory activities. We are going out to dinner on Saturday night so I will just have to make the best decisions possible, but honestly I am not worried because I am in the zone right now.

I don’t believe for a second that even if I work my ass off this week (which I don’t think is going to happen given all the obligations I have), that I really could show a big loss this week. Since my last week was so good I will have to settle for that 1 pound loss if even that but just maintaining thru this week will be fine, given all the other factors I’ve got going on. And with that, I should probably get back to those obligations.

Time Off

I have had a couple really good workouts in a row. Like seriously the best couple workouts I’ve had in ages and I was shocked that after only a couple weeks my body is reacting the way it is. Sure, I’m still carrying around too much extra weight, and I am no where near where I once was, but perhaps my body hasn’t completely forgotten how fit it used to be. I actually smiled the other night because I realized that after only 10 workouts I was able to run for a period of time without stopping. On Wednesday night I got on the treadmill and ran for 40 minutes straight. I then walked 5 and then ran 10 more. I felt pretty dang good about that. For whatever reason I had great energy. Then last night, despite thinking I wouldn’t really be able to hit it to hard, I managed to run for 30 minutes, walk 5, run another 10, walk 5, run another 5. Basically I ran a total of 45 minutes in 60 minutes… Not bad at all. I am improving every day and I do love that.

However, I am debating whether I am going to exercise this evening or not. I have worked out 4 days in a row, putting in all these good numbers:

Monday: 60 minutes (run 45), 5.57 miles, 765 cal
Tuesday: 60 minutes (run 35) 5.25 miles, 700 cal
Wednesday: 65 minutes (run 50), 6.1 miles, 835 cal
Thursday: 65 minutes (run 45), 5.67 miles, 765 cal

I am sure I could take a break today, but I have a fear that come the weekend I won’t be exercising so it’s easier for me to stick to my go to work, come home and exercise routine. I guess it will be a last minute decision.

I am presently sucking on a Berry Fulfilling Jamba Juice so perhaps that will give me a little extra energy? It’s a big maybe, but who knows. More than anything its mind over matter. Not sure what will win out at 5:30 when I get home.

Over the last two days a big change has already occurred in my life. It seems on Wednesday one of my bosses told me that I am going to have to go to part time work for a while. They need to up their cash flow a little bit and they can’t afford to pay me. Not that it’s a big salary, it’s not. I make $12 an hour, but I totally understand. The truth is, I adore my job so I am willing to work with them as they are going to work with me. My schedule will be one week work Monday thru Thursday 8 hours a day for a total of 32 hours. The next week I will work a grand total of 7 hours. This is how much I can work and not have it affect my unemployment for the week. Basically I am going to claim unemployment for that week. My 7 hours will be totally at my discretion. Answering e-mails and phone calls and running into the office once or twice and picking up the mail. I am working from home for the week.

The bottom line is that my salary will decrease a little, probably around $150-$200 a month. Now, when you don’t make a lot that is a lot of money, but I am not in such a bad position that this really affects me that much. I have spent the last year of my life getting myself into a better financial situation so that this doesn’t really hit me hard. I am actually excited. The reality is for the $150-$200 a month I only have to work ½ time. Yeah, that’s a good deal. This is not permanent, so I won’t get too used to it, but for the time being I’m excited. This starts next week. As I have worked full time this week, next week is my first official 7 hour work from home week. I am looking forward to the first week just cleaning the house, being able to exercise earlier in the afternoon and being able to coupon a little more. Honestly I’m not sure how much my lifestyle is really going to change, but I don’t have to go into the office so that is nice.

I almost feel like I’m getting a paid vacation, which is something I don’t normally have. I will however be on their beck and call so it might end up annoying me, we will see. I love my job so it’s worth hanging in there with them thru the next couple months.

I have an hour left of work for the day and then I get to go home and have a weekend, and then a 7 hour work week, and then another weekend. Not too shabby. Chris keeps asking me what I’m going to do with all my free time. I just say, exercise, coupon and keep the house clean. He says, is that it? I say that’s perfectly enough for me. It’s like suddenly I should take up a new hobby? Nope, I mostly am going to enjoy being lazy for a little while before I consider doing anything else.

Tomorrow I plan on organizing the shit out of my coupons, although since I have more time next week I might not be in too big of a hurry, but I definitely have to go to Target, need to hit up Albertsons, probably do a Walgreens trip and maybe Safeway… Just to finish off the deals for this week before Sunday brings on new deals for me.

Also next week happens to be my 31st birthday and my actual birthday happens to be the day Sex and the City 2 opens which I’m pretty dang excited about. And for some odd reason on a random Thursday the 27th my mom has it off and Chris doesn’t have to work and now apparently I don’t have to work so I guess there’s no reason that during the day on Thursday we can’t go see an earlier showing of the movie. It was always my plan to see the movie on my b-day since I really couldn’t think of a more fabulous “gift” for myself.

Now if this weather would just cooperate with me. It’s downright miserable outside right now. Pouring rain. It is depressing and makes me want to snuggle up and eat. Bad weather! I guess my body is leaning towards no exercise, but we will ultimately see. If I go home at 5:30, Chris doesn’t get home until 7:00, and that really is a danger zone with eating for me which is probably why I developed the healthy habit of working out when I get home to begin with. I know I don’t want to eat when I get home because I am already a few extra points high for the day. I did stop for that unplanned Jamba so there is 2 extra points I hadn’t budgeted for. I am feeling the munchies and don’t need to turn my 2 over into 10 over. I am sure I can survive.

I am happy it’s the weekend and even more happy that I get some time off. Yeah!

Unexpected Expectations

Just have time for a quick little update as work has been pretty busy today. I have lots to do and as per usual not really enough time to do it in. I am finding these last two weeks with the whole trying to balance this weight watchers stuff with exercise and with my obsession for couponing that something has to give. I know this is not an unusual or foreign concept to anyone, just a reality. I can not give two major things in my life, that being weight watchers stuff and couponing stuff 100% off my focus. They each suffer a smidge. I have been focusing really hard on the healthy stuff lately and therefore have mentally set aside Saturday in my brain to refocus on my couponing efforts. I will clean out the coupons, clip coupons, prepare some deal scenarios, and do some shopping. Saturday is that day. I am just muddling along until then. Sunday I have another wedding shower to attend so again with the time being stretched thin. At least this one is not at my mom’s house so I can leave whenever I want and don’t have to clean up after it, or prepare for it, etc. So that should make the whole experience better.

Anyhow, I haven’t posted for a couple days so I should point out that Monday night I had an AMAZING run. I suspect that’s because I took Saturday and Sunday off from exercising so not shockingly Monday I was totally in the grove and felt great. I think that particular hard work paid off, or rather my work all week because I have to say I was completely totally shocked yesterday when I went to weight watchers and got on the scale to see that in my second week I had again lost 4.4 pounds. Yup, two weeks in a row losing 4.4 pounds. The leader just looked at me and said, “How’d you do that?” As if there was a secret I wasn’t sharing or rather I must have gone out and had lypo performed during the week, but only enough to remove a few extra pounds… Like I completely know the answer to that. The only thing that sprung to mind and I quickly blurted out was “Well, I am a runner. I love to run.” Not that I can come anywhere close to what I was doing previously. I feel fortunate when I can string together 10-20 minutes of running non stop in a row. I tend to run for 10-20 minutes, walk 5, run 10, walk 5, run 10, walk 5, run 5, walk 5… .etc. Anyhow, the reality is that I am a runner and I suspect that it is definitely this love that keeps the scale moving in a positive direction.

I was moments away from hearing the typical, you shouldn’t lose so much weight so fast speech from the leader when she looked at my numbers, heard me say runner and then decided to instead say, “We need to monitor this to make sure you aren’t losing to fast but we will see how you do next week.”

I wanted to blurt out and perhaps depending on how next week goes I will, look lady this is my fourth official time, probably 10th unofficial time restarting this program. This lifestyle has been engrained in my brain for 6 plus years. I know my body, I know what it can handle, I know how it reacts to things. I’ve got this covered. It’s really not a criticism of the leader I completely know she is just doing her job, but losing 4.4 pounds two weeks in a row is okay for me. I don’t honestly believe that next week will bring anything close to that. To be honest I was pretty shocked myself. I was expecting 2-3 pounds. 4.4 was a nice surprise which I will gladly take.

I have been weighing myself but depending on placement in the room and a variety of factors there is just no consistency and therefore I have chosen to let it go. I check in, but I am not anally comparing, making notes and charts or any such compulsive behavior. I am just letting it be, which is nice. Especially nice when you are so pleasantly surprised at weigh-in.

That means I am down 8.8 pounds. I have set a mini-goal that might be unreachable, but I think honestly I can do it. I can do anything I really set my mind to. My cousin is getting married July 10th. I want to have lost 25 pounds by then. This means I would have 16.2 pounds to lose in the next 7 official weigh-ins. That’s a little over 2 pounds a week. Yes, high on the scale of expectations but possible for me. The sad truth is that only puts me half way to my goal. Yup, would still have another 25 plus pounds to lose, but I am not thinking that far ahead. One freaking weigh-in at a time. Except for the 25 pound goal in 7 more weeks. I can manage that and it is nice to have goals.

I think splitting my energies between weight loss and couponing are going to help me out this time around. I can’t get 100% crazy about either and it actually puts me at a normal level with some of my behaviors. That is nice for a change. After weight watchers last night I stopped at the grocery store and picked up a few items and then headed home where I started out pretty pitiful on the treadmill. Took a break, and came back to it later to finish up a nice solid 62 minutes, 35 of them ran, 5.25 miles, 700 calories burned. That is a solid workout for me. I am considering solid anything around 5 miles.

The best part is that while I can’t actually see any difference in my body in these two weeks (I am not surprised or worried about this fact), what makes me happy is that I am starting to see the return of my calve muscles. The ones that I used to love so dearly, the ones the showed I was a runner and strong. Well after only two weeks they are starting to return and that puts a smile on my face. Imagine what I can do when I get rid of this extra 50 pounds I am carrying around. Imagine how my body is going to perform…. I am looking forward to that.

After my workout I had wonderful delicious spaghetti with bread. So freaking good. I have to say I am loving ground turkey with a passion these days. We ate dinner while watching Lost. I am so sad that there is only the finale left. It has been so good, probably because it is explaining and leading up to the finale. Anyhow, I heart my Lost characters and will miss them tons.

Tonight’s agenda is home, run some, (we will see what my body will let me do after two days of solid workouts in a row), shower, change the bed sheets, do some laundry, clean up the room a little, Not sure what’s for dinner. Maybe a quesadilla? Perhaps a wrap of some sort… I have like 30 packages of whole wheat mission tortillas I got for free a few weeks back. So anything with tortillas floats my boat.

I find I am most calm and peaceful with myself when I have these set routines. I never feel happier, better, or more alive than when I am exercising and working towards good health. I don’t know why I ever give that up.

New Shoes

I just did something out of character for me as of late, I made an online purchase for something. I bought myself a new pair of workout shoes. I like to start out with a good fresh clean pair of new shoes, so I went ahead and purchased these:

I should be getting them in a couple days. I really like New Balance and I think these are pretty cute. I also think its good to have 2 pairs of workout shoes to rotate thru. I might feel guilty later about this purchase but I just know that I needed something new for me. It's hard to get too upset about buying workout shoes. I have lots of pairs of old ones that are nasty and worn. I think its important to keep fresh shoes on your feet for working out. I can't wait to get them. They are New Balance WR378, for what that's worth. I just like lightweight shoes with the mesh top so that they breath well. I guess this is my special treat for going back to weight watchers and exercising again. I must use them now, but I have no doubt I will.

Puffy Eyes

I feel like I blinked and missed the entire weekend. I am back at work today and I feel like I am just picking right back up where Friday afternoon left off. Funny how that happens. With the exception of being so downright tired that I ALMOST called my bosses and didn’t come to work today. This would be the very first time in a year and a half, almost two years that I would ever have called in sick to work. I have taken days off but they were all pre-arranged ahead of time. I have never once woken up and decided not to go to work. When I worked at the school district I would do it quite often, but then again I actually had sick days so it was more acceptable. I don’t work, I don’t get paid these days and I rather like my financial plan I have worked out which requires getting paid all my money. So there you have the real reason I haven’t ever called in sick to work.

Anyhow, this weekend went by in a blaze and I am going to omit a lot of the nitty gritty, or rather the stuff that is not for sharing. The bottom line is this, Friday after work I went home and I ran. It was one of the first hot days we’ve actually had here in Oregon in a while and my body was not used to that heat. Then put me in a small bedroom with the door shut, with the treadmill going, TV on, one small fan and pretty soon, with all the sweating, bring on heat stroke… Okay, just kidding, but I did realize too late that this was not the brightest plan. When I got off the treadmill I did want to pass out. I did 60 minutes, ran 30 of them, for a total of 5 miles, 635 calories. I showered where I made sure the water was actually cold so that I didn’t pass out in there and hit my head or something stupid. Got ready and headed over to my mom’s where my sister and her boyfriend were. Three of my cousins actually came over, my cousins who are like brothers to me. We hung out for a while. We had bar-b-que dinner. Chicken, bread, vegetables, potatoes, the whole works and it was lovely.

Saturday was a blur. Seriously a blur. There was a distinct lack of sleep Friday night which made my Saturday one tired groggy blur. My other sister and her husband from down south came up with their kiddos and somehow by the afternoon I was hanging out with the kids, playing. They dropped off their kids and headed up to visit my brother in laws family while my mom babysat for the night. I adore those kids. They are perfect. While, they are children and therefore by nature not perfect, but I love them anyway. I was just exhausted the whole time. Saturday was not perfect eating wise, but it wasn’t horrible either. I did have some Panda Express where I chose the healthiest possible option of mixed veggies, mushroom chicken and veggie spring rolls. I snacked on cereal straight out of the box which is always a down fall for me. At least it was corn flakes, which are relatively okay for you. Nothing frosted or sugared. I didn’t measure as my hand just went into the box for scoops. I counted it as 4 points (2 cups worth at 110 calories per cup). There was no exercise as it proved hard enough to just keep my eyes open.

Sunday was yet another cousins wedding shower at my mom’s house. The morning was spent cleaning up and preparing foods, and getting ready. I tried very consciously to not indulge in foods. As my mom is on weight watchers with me the food choices selected were veggie and fruit platters so not bad. The thing is, I like fruit quite a lot, and it does have calories. But honestly, snacking on berries and watermelon just isn’t that horrible of a thing. I avoided the punch that had calories and instead drank zero calorie flavored fresca soda. I did eat lots of fruit. Then for the “cake” we had angel food cake with low fat whipped cream and berries. Not too bad of choices either. I just had the one piece and it was mighty good. Again no exercise.

Hanging out with my family can prove to be difficult on the eating front as after the exhausting day my sisters wanted pizza. I love pizza. I mean who doesn’t love pizza? I went with my sister to pick up the pizza. (We headed to Walgreens first to get a couple deals for the day that we didn’t get to do in the AM) Sunday is usually my serious couponing/shopping day. Anyhow, I had to go into the pizza place with her and it smelled delicious. On the car ride back with pizza smelling up the car, I was like you had to take the WW girl with you on your pizza run :) But honestly it was fine.

We came back home and I did have a piece of pizza. One small piece of pepperoni and mushroom pizza. It was what it was and it was really good. But I only had one small piece so you know, not too bad.

Again with the tired so I didn’t exercise. Weekends are hard on the exercise front, especially weekends with so much family around. It just usually doesn’t happen. That is part of life and that is fine. But I am still exhausted. The weekend was non-existent. The house is a mess, clothes need to be put way, rugs need vacuumed, etc. But I also REALLY need to exercise tonight. I also totally want to sleep for days, but hopefully soon I will start to wake up some.

I can’t believe its Monday already and I seriously feel like the weekend didn’t happen. I closed my eyes and suddenly its Monday. I have no idea what the scale is going to do. With that said, its not as if I haven’t been scale hopping, I have, but if you don’t remember the last numbers and you aren’t sure what the actual number is compared to the weight watchers numbers and if it depends on the time of the day and clothed vs. Naked then all the numbers are really pointless. That is about where I’m at. I have no idea what the number is as I have seen so many different numbers and sometimes my scale gives me a really bizarre number depending on where I place it on the bathroom floor, floors must be uneven or something, as it can read 10 pounds different depending on placement. There really is no way to judge accuracy. Therefore, tomorrow evenings weigh-in will almost be a blind weigh-in as well. However, I am guessing somewhere between 2-3 pounds. Given the lack of motivation and energy the past couple days I am sure that is fine. I do plan on having a good day today with everything, so maybe that will help some.

That’s about all I got for the day. Just want to wake up and find some amount of motivation.

I Shall Believe

I feel like the last couple days my heart hasn’t been 100% invested in this weight watchers thing. Sure, I’ve been doing fine point wise, but I don’t think I’ve been eating the healthiest foods in general. I can feel it. My body knows that I’ve been slacking. Tuesday night I had a great run. Then Wednesday my body started stressing out on me and Wednesday night I managed an okay run… I did do 5 miles, not all running, only about ½ running. Whatever it was fine. But then yesterday I woke up not feeling all that well and I had zero energy all day. I am thinking probably a combination of lack of good food choices, lack of good sleep, and too much stress on the system. I was just beat last night and all I could manage to do was walk for 30 minutes, 2 miles, 200 calories burned. Less than impressive. But at least I did something, right?

My body is really craving a great weight watchers day. Probably as much for my physical well being as my mental well being. I need something to be proud of. I need a good day to log in the old memory bank to go, oh yeah, you can and are successful at this. Like I said, I have not gone over my daily points, I have exercised some, so yeah its all fine, its just the quality isn’t there and the stress level has increased the past couple days.

Here’s an interesting thing to note…. I have spent the last year of my life eating my stress to the point of an extra 50 pounds…. Yeah, there’s your first clue that things are really not right in the world of Emily. 50 extra pounds…. You can probably make an educated guess as to what my actually number is but that’s really not the point. In one year, I ATE every negative thought and feeling and walked away 50 pounds heavier which made my brain feel 50 pounds worse. I would hate my body in the mirror, hate what I’ve done to myself, cry, and then promptly eat more. I felt helpless yet again. Worse than all that I have retreated from society pretty much fully. When I weigh an extra 50 pounds I do not want to be out in the world. I judge myself too harshly.

Anyhow, back to my point. My point is the last week and half I haven’t been able to eat my stress because I simply won’t allow it now. Do you know how my stress has decided to manifest itself? First, one day this week I bit my upper lip, kept biting it all day to the point that by the end of the day it was swollen and puffy. Nice.

Secondly, for the past month I think I’ve developed a stress eye twitch. It has dramatically increased the last week and a half. I can’t eat my feelings so my body is twitching my eye. Nice. I think basically I am stressed and I just need to badly to complete a really good sweaty solid run to pump up my spirits and release some of my extra tension. I was just too tired and defeated last night to even attempt it. Maybe tonight? I say maybe because my youngest sister and her boyfriend are coming. She lives 4 hours away and she is coming to stay with my mom for the weekend. Her boyfriend just got back from a year of duty in Iraq. Yup, he’s a soldier. Anyway, he’s a great guy so it would be nice to go see them. Even if my body is really craving a solid blood pumping run. Of course I am craving that this minute, but we will see in 7 hours how I really feel. That’s a long time from now actually.

I heard Jillian say it on The Biggest Loser and I know it’s true, our bodies don’t perform well when we are under stress. The scale is not kind to stress. So on top of all the drama, which really never does seem to leave my life, I will have to endure whatever the consequence is on the scale for all this drama. And maybe I’ll even have a lovely eye twitch to go with it :)

Anyhow, I am determined to make today about better choices. I am a smart educated almost 31 year old. Wow, my birthday is now less than 2 weeks away. I am going to be freaking 31 years old. I am not married. I am fat. While I have made tons of positive strides this last year, I still feel like I have a long way to go to finding my happiness again. I am sure I will, I am sure the waters will be quite mucky but I think I can. I am strong and capable. I can do this. I need to remove the negative influences in my life. I need to clear my space to only allow positive happy thoughts to get in. I need to run. I need to run, not away from my problems, but towards them. I need to battle and conquer my demons once and for all. I’m getting to old for this shit. I deserve to be happy, healthy, and the best possible version of myself.

I CAN do this.

I want to look in the mirror and smile again. I want to be able to run my hands over my body and not want to puke. I want to get rid of the gut. Ugh, the spare tire is exactly where all the fat goes for me. I am sure I can manage thru this weekend just fine, I just want to eat healthy foods and exercise. Is that too much to ask? We will see.

“Not everything is going to be the way you think it ought to be” – Cheryl Crowe, I Shall Believe

Fourty dollars to weigh

Well now, week 1 is officially behind me. I lost 4.4 pounds. This is a good solid week 1 number. I’ll take it. If you consider how much yo-yoing I’ve put my body thru its pretty amazing that I can still manage that. I’ve just got to keep going along doing what I’ve been doing. I will say I’ve decided that my meeting is AWFUL and after giving it a two week try I am now officially saying I will no longer be staying. It is like ½ an hour of pulling teeth. It’s that bad. Yeah, I could always try and find another meeting, but hell this time works for me so I’ll just go and weigh-in and be done with it. It’s always an amazing concept to me that I need to pay someone $40 a month just to weigh me. Why can’t I do it on my own with my own scale? Truly bizarre as I’ve realized that clearly I can’t do it on my own. I need that accountability. $40 a month down the drain. But at least it’s getting me to commit to this finally after a year.

Last night I was tired after my meeting but decided that I was going to exercise anyway. I figured that hopefully I’d start exercising and feeling better and I wouldn’t be so tired anymore. I also figured if I was still that tired then I’d just stop. Basically Monday night I had a bad workout. I could only manage to do 30 minutes and that was all I had motivation for. I figured it was fine. But last night once I got on the treadmill things definitely picked up. I ran 45 out of 62 minutes, did a total of 5.5 miles, 750 calories burned. I kept my workout clothes on intentionally and later in the evening, before hitting my shower, I got myself on there for 15 more minutes. I just wanted to run 1 more mile. So yeah, a total of 15 min, 1.25 miles, 175 calories. Pretty good for an evening especially with this out of shape body. But I’m working on it and just feel happy that I can accomplish as much as I do. I know not everyday is going to be these good of workouts so I’ll take them when I get them.

It’s hard to consistently be motivated I suppose. Oh, don’t get me wrong I’m not at all tempted to eat crap or anything right now. I flipped the switch so to speak where it’s not even something I am considering. It’s like all unhealthy food is dead to me. It’s a game. I think I must secretly be a crazy game player. I like number games played out in my head. Points, dollars, coupons. Oh yeah I’ve become a crazy coupon gal. I get pretty much everything for free and don’t want to pay a dime for any product these days. It’s crazy. I have a mathematical brain that can figure out deals and of course foods and calories pretty damn well. It’s scary how good I can be at things at times. It does scare me because I know inevitably I will crash and burn because my levels of intensity are not something that can be kept up long term. There has never been a single project my entire life that I could keep up at the crazy pace I usually set for myself. It’s always a race to finish because I’m afraid I won’t finish if I don’t give it my all because my momentum always wears out.

The fortunate part is, I’ve always been able to accomplish my ww “goal”, I just can’t keep the weight off. Hell, maybe this time, right? Wonders never do cease. I mean for the first time in my life, over the past 9 months, I have somehow managed to get my finances in the best place they’ve ever been in. I am NOT a finance girl. I am a spend everything I’ve got girl, but over the past 9 months I’ve managed to change that. I have been so good with my money. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do not have a lot of money. I don’t make that much money and certainly there’s not that much to go around, but I’ve been able to save a little money for the first time in my life. I feel a great sense of accomplishment over that. So I suppose change really is possible. I’d say if you really want it, it’s possible. I don’t know why after 30 years of my life I was finally able to make such a drastic change, but I did. And I am the better for it.

Anyhow, someday I’ll explain my couponing ways, but that’s time consuming and difficult and honestly might make me sound like the OCD girl I am. (Obsessive Compulsive). Another time perhaps. All I can say is that I wanted some breakfast bars of some sort, and this week, starting today, Safeway had Kashi Go Lean bars on sale for $2 a box, and with coupons, and then buying another product that made money I was able to get 4 boxes of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes and 4 boxes of Kashi Go Lean Bars for $1.00. I will get rid of the Corn Flakes but I kind of needed to buy them to make the Kashi cheaper. It’s a complex story. The end result is I paid $1.00 for my 4 boxes of bars. This is probably why my finances are in the best shape of their life, because I get most all of my stuff for free or very cheap.

I am thinking about hitting up Jack in the Box or Wendy’s for a lunchtime salad. Haven’t had a good yummy hearty salad yet since on weight watchers and I think it might be time. We will see what tonight brings in terms of motivation for my treadmill time. It’s always a challenge, but for now I’ll just take my 4.4 pound loss and keep going.

Successful weekend

It’s Monday morning and I am actually feeling pretty dang good. What a difference one week makes. Seriously. Okay, it hasn’t been an entire week yet, but pretty close. These are the things I am most proud of over the last couple days.

1. I have NOT gotten on a scale even once. I have zero idea what my weight is and that actually makes staying on program and not hating myself easier. I know I’m doing well and I have no scale to tell me differently.

2. I had major panic/phobia that I was not going to be able to exercise. It has been a year but I am doing much better than I thought.

3. The quality and quantity of my evening dinners has been most impressive and leaving me feeling satisfied and like I’m not even dieting.

So now I want to elaborate on my three points above. The first is that I have never done weight watchers without massive scale hoping. I am not saying it’s going to continue this way my entire journey but I am enjoying the excitement of not knowing what the scale is actually going to say and just riding the high of doing good for my body. Yeah.

Now the exercise stuff. I think I told myself I wasn’t going to focus on exercise this week because I didn’t know how hard the food stuff would be and I didn’t want to disappoint myself. Now by no means am I anywhere near the physical shape I was a year ago. Yes, it really has been an entire year, but I am here to say that anyone who thinks their present weight should/would/can/will stop them from exercising is wrong. I am proof of that.

I weigh far more than I should. FAR more. So much that I am embarrassed to even admit it. I am not my heaviest weight ever but I am close enough that it could bring tears to my eyes if I hadn’t known I had done it to myself. If I didn’t believe in my heart that I was going to reverse this I probably would be crying my eyes out knowing the scary number. Anyhow, the point is I am heavy. Heavier than one who ran their heart out a year ago. But when you gain weight, your insides never really change. My insides still have all the passion and desire of a bonified runner. A dedicated exercise enthusiast who loves the run. I love running, I love running when I’m smaller, and I love running when I weigh more. I just love to run.

It’s hard. It’s hard right now. It won’t be this hard forever. As the weight comes off and my endurance builds up it WILL get easier. I am looking forward to that. The only thing that made me want to cry last night after working out for the third time in four days was once my Garmin downloaded all my exercise data to the computer I got to see all my fitness charts from a year ago and I was DAMN good at this. When you are neurotic and living it you never appreciate what you have until it’s gone. I had no idea who good and how amazing what I was accomplishing was. I wish I hadn’t let that part of me go, but I will get her back. I wanted to cry because I saw all those numbers and that made me really sad. But I can’t dwell on the past, all I have is the present and the future and I will get her back. I know it.

Last night I was determined to enjoy myself. I ended up doing 65 minutes on the treadmill, where I ran 45 of that. This felt amazing. I did intervals a lot. I started out running a solid 15 minutes, 5 of walking, 10 running, 5 walking, 5 running, and so on. I was amazingly proud of what I accomplished. 5.5 miles and 750 calories burned. I loved every moment of it. Despite all the extra weight I’m carrying around making it harder on me, I enjoyed it. This is how I know I will find me again.

The last couple nights my dinners have been amazing. The fresh artisan French bread at Safeway is only 8 points for an entire loaf. This means you can have a quarter of this long piece of bread for only 2 points. I have been greatly enjoying this! It is amazing with a little I can’t believe it’s not butter then garlic salt. Delish. This goes even better with spaghetti with healthy ground turkey. Wonderful stuff. The amounts of food are generous and filling.

Can you tell I have some excitement for this right now? I am going to roll with it and enjoy the moments of healthy high. I am heading out the door right now to run errands. Oh, life is grand, Can you see the exercise high is already making me happier!

Broken Record

Are you ready for the broken record? I mean, it just keeps replaying the same moment over and over again. Last night I got on the treadmill because I was actually knowingly deluding myself thinking that I wasn't going to exercise until next week. Yeah, that was never going to happen. And yeah, it was hard. Yeah I could tell I have tons of extra weight I’m packing around. Yeah, it wasn’t a glorious mighty run. But it was good. It was REALLY good.

45 minutes, I ran about 20 of those minutes, did 3.5 miles. Burned 415 calories. My garmin does still work. Yeah, it took me about ½ an hour to get reacquainted with the features, change a battery, etc., but it was worth it for the data. I am a data queen. Anyhow, the best part was suddenly, here comes the broken record, I instantly felt like me again. I felt amazing and alive and great. It is hard. It is never easy to exercise, but it is that good kind of hard. I can honestly say that the exercise high I got after I had finished was the happiest I’ve felt in a year. Yeah, I quit exercising about a year ago and until that moment last night didn’t remember how much I NEED that in my life. How good it makes me feel and how despite my best efforts to duplicate that rush, I am in fact unable to mimic the true high I get from a good sweaty workout.

I cried. Yes, its two fold. Sure I cry at a drop of a hat, but I cried on the treadmill because I was so happy to be on the road to me again. I also cried because I embarked down the Biggest Loser path. You see, I have always steadfastly not been able to watch a moment of the Biggest Loser while not exercising. Just something engrained in my head. So needless to say, I haven’t watched any of the current season. They are all there, on my DVR box, mostly taunting me. I had always planned to save them for when I decided to finally get my ass back in gear. I now the seasons pretty much almost over but how exciting to have the entire thing to watch. And yes, I cried. I can’t help it. So many moments made me want to cry, coupled with the reality that it has been a year and I’m finally finding myself again. Yeah, tears.

I hate that I seem to forget how much I need this in my life. I hate that somewhere along the line it becomes work and in my head an impossible task. I only need to do it to realize how important it is to my emotional well-being. I find many other things to pass my time, pretending that I can live my life and am happy being fat. It just isn’t an option for me. I muddle thru well enough, but ultimately I turn into a social recluse, I am uncomfortable in my own skin and I retreat. I hide away because my own guilt is too much to bear. I don’t care if someone is overweight, but I care how horrible it makes me feel.

This is day 3 of being back at it and I feel a huge sense of relief and contentment because I don’t go down this path without being successful. I will find my way back to goal weight and back of running long distances. I will find my way back to the me I happiest being. I love the girl who comes home from work, slips into her workout clothes and goes for a run. I love the girl who isn’t so ashamed of her body that she has actual confidence in dealing with the rest of her life.

I think I’ve said all these things a million and one times before. I mean, I realize this is officially the 4th time I’ve restarted weight watchers. And did you know on all 3 previous attempts I did make goal weight. I just could never make it stick. I won’t promise it is sticking this time, as its only day 3, but I am certain that in time I will make goal weight again. When I put my mind to something I achieve it. I have always been capable of that.

It’s Friday afternoon and I’m not even sweating the weekend, my resolve is that good right now. I am so excited to have a nice loss on Tuesday that eating something I shouldn’t isn’t even an option. That is the great thing about the first week; it’s always new and exciting. I am going to ride this high as long as I can. God knows it’s going to be quite a challenging summer for me in terms of events so I need all the momentum I can get. I have two cousins weddings this summer, going to be big old parties, my youngest sister graduates from college on June 5th. Chris’s birthday is May 25, mine is May 27. With those weddings come showers and parties. Next weekend is Weddings Shower 1. The following weekend is wedding shower 2. I will manage thru it, because this is the person I am happiest being. The one who cares.

I am just afraid of how my body is going to react to all the abuse I’ve put it thru over the last couple years, the yo-yo train of weight and of course I am now in my 30’s. I am not 24 like I was when I first started weight watchers. My body is older and put up with a shitload more abuse over the past 6 years. I haven’t been worried about what the scale will say, but that’s probably because I’ve been doing good and NOT weighing myself. I actually don’t even have an urge to weigh myself yet. So that’s a good thing. I am bound and determined to keep it that way until Tuesday night’s weigh-in. The anticipation will keep things exciting and fresh and keep me honest with myself. No cheating myself out of things I need for fear of a scale. It’s good to be a little older, wiser. It’s quite honestly GOOD to be back.

The Protocol Child

Last night was actually successful. you see the past couple weeks I said I was going to go to weight watchers on Tuesday and somehow completely managed to avoid it. I went last night. Probably spurred on by the notion that mom was going with me and I had told my sister Jen and Chris that I was going. I don't fail when I decide to do things. That is both good and bad. It is often my downfall. The point is. I gave up a healthy way of living a year ago and never looked back. The scale showed that year long break. I knew it did. I'm not retarded.... Well, kind of because it’s awfully retarded to gain back all the weight you've lost and keep losing and gaining... but nonetheless the point is I know I've gained it back. Now I know that I will take it off again. Just as sure as anything, I have decided for whatever reason to do this again so I'm going to do it. Once I decide to do something I somehow do manage to accomplish it.

I am also not going to delude myself. This is going to be much harder this time because I am almost 31 years old. I have fucked with my body repeatedly and it probably will show me no mercy. Up, down, exercise like a mad woman; eat like a mad woman.... no consistency. My body is a mess internally because of it, but a girl has got to try. I am not going to say the number out loud yet, but I am sure I will at some point. Just give it time. I did sign up for the monthly pass, so I am fully committed now :) I have my 3 month journal and I'm all set. Well kind of. Haven't exactly decided yet what foods I should be eating. That might not come until this weekend when I can fully give it some time. Until then I will muddle thru with a Subway lunch run or a Wendy's salad or something to that affect. While I have given up this life for a year, it is so engrained in me that its old habit to know what I should be eating. I have points memorized in my head floating around all over the place.

I can and will do this. I have to. For the last 3 months I've just been saying to myself, "I just want to be me again." I am pretty sure that me I'm referring to is the healthy, happy Emily who runs and eats well and likes her body and therefore takes care of herself, and wears cute clothes and cares about her hair and makeup. That girl checked out a long time ago and I want her back. She is the best version of me and I really do miss her. I'll find her again. I am certain of that.

I have willpower, control and motivation like you wouldn't believe when I decide that is my priority. It's time.

I am determined to not step on any scale this week. I don't want any of that messing with my crazy head. I did learn that much last time around. Just let the meeting scale guide me. I don't need to let crazy weekly numbers pull my focus. At least for now, none of this I weight X amount in the mornings naked, I weight X amount mornings clothed. I weight X amount after work clothed, X amount naked... X amount after exercise, X amount after dinner.... well, you get the point. Those numbers are all pretty bogus. The official number is the one written in that book and that's all that I care about for right now.

I can do this. I want to do this and that is a phrase I have not uttered for a while. It's going to be okay. The protocol child has returned.

Return of the Dead

Tomorrow after work I will go to my first weight watchers meeting in a very long time, probably a couple years. Yup, I HAVE to go back, self loathe and pity are not pretty on Emily. I have avoided the truth of the scale for a year. The truth of the scale is horrific and its time to do it. I have made plans to attend with my mom so that I don't bag on it. I will go back even if my heart isn't fully in it yet. I am praying my heart will suddenly be excited when I walk in the doors. But enough already with the way I've been living and more importantly the way I've been feeling. I think we will start off week one with simply focusing on not eating everything in sight before I attempt any form of physical activity for the sole purpose of exercise. Yes, its been that long. It's time to find me again.