Friday, July 31, 2015

In pursuit of a kick-ass eulogy



So where we last left off was yesterday mid-morning.  From that point on I pretty much ate all day like a crazy woman, and then got changed into my dress for the funeral.



Oh wait, one second before that I did this on Instagram.


Because seriously that is one of the best quotes I have EVER, EVER read.  So true and so amazing.  And then I changed into my dress for the funeral.  By that time it was hot and I was tired and alas, left work a few minutes early to make it to my mom’s to carpool to the funeral. Can we talk about funerals for a second.  They are generally speaking awful… why is that?  Shouldn’t they be fun, or a celebration of life?  I would like mine to be a fun party to celebrate the kick-ass life I led. Of course this means I need to live a kick-ass life but that really is the plan I am working on right now.  Let it be known publically that if I die tomorrow I want a giant party honoring my life.  Oh and a run… make them all run. HA HA, okay maybe not a run.  But a party for sure.

This particular funeral was inside a small country church.  With NO A/C on a very hot day with a bunch of people packed in it.  Up a very long and twisty windy road where I realized upon traveling to that I did not drink enough water throughout the day and I felt completely dehydrated which meant light-headed which meant nauseous in the car.  Yes, I get motion sick far too easily.  It’s my tummy flaw.  So I was already feeling the signs of it all and then you cram us into this tiny building where we sit to roast. And then it’s a big catholic ordeal so its lots of stand up, sit down. Stand up, sit down.  I think I might have been perceived as rude but I sat in the back of the church and was incredibly disinterested because mostly I was trying to not pass out.  Plus I am not going to lie the entire thing was all a formality.

Let me explain. This was my grandma’s funeral.  This was my mom’s mom.  I adore my mom. That is not secret or surprise. When my grandpa died 2 months ago it was hard.  I loved my grandpa.  My mom adored her dad.  We all had a very good relationship.  It was really sad.  My grandma was not a nice lady.  The entire time I was growing up I don’t recall her ever being nice or loving.  And all the stories I ever heard about my mom growing up in regards to her mother were bad as well.  How my grandma definitely had favorites amongst her 8 children and my mom was definitely not one of them.  It is hard to actively mourn for someone you thought wasn’t that nice. Pretty much your entire life.  I was not that per say for my grandma but instead for my mom and her brothers and sisters.  This certainly was not as emotional overall of a service as my Grandpa’s.  The thing is, the actual service or church crap was pretty terrible.  It goes like this: here is a reading of the lord.  Here is a song, everyone open up a book and try to sing along to some babble that doesn’t mean anything to you, here is another reading of the lord, another song, another reading, another song.  It seemed to go on forever. None of it having any real reference to my grandma. 

Eventually we did get to a eulogy of her life and I honestly didn’t know who the hell they were talking about.  I know you are not supposed to say anything but lovely things during a service and I get that and that’s cool but it’s like the woman they were describing is not the stories I’ve heard my whole life.  There were stories about big epic meals my grandma cooked. How she loved to bake and cook.  No less than 5 or 6 references to different foods she loved to cook and eat.  I can honestly say that in my entire life I have never heard a story about a big giant family meal that happened.  And I hang out a lot with my mom and aunts.  I was like, okay, that’s cool.  And then there were so many references to essentially her life being all about food.  How if you wanted to make her happy bring her Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I kind of shook my head.  And then something about her favorite thing to do was to go out to Chinese dinner.  I was like, wow.  Why are there a million references to eating in this eulogy? It was disturbing honestly.  During my Grandpa’s entire eulogy there was not a single reference of food.

And I literally thought, holy shit, why on earth are they talking about her entire life as a giant menu or meal?  No wonder she was grossly overweight as are a lot of her children.  They were doomed from the start and it trickles down to the next generation. And it suddenly hit me,  I have been fighting this genetic and learned behavior my entire life.  I am fighting hard against what is clearly a very difficult and losing battle for most everyone.  Food clearly is the sub context of my entire extended family.  This is not an issue for Chris and his family.  He did not grow up with every family gathering being about food or with food being the reward or treat for any sort of life accomplishment or depressed moment for that matter.  There is no wonder our relationships with food are so different.  He has and has always had a very healthy relationship with food where he has never used it as anything other than fuel for his body, and occasionally eating something because it tastes good but I am certain he’s never binge ate in his life.  And then there is me, who has to fight tooth and nail against it.  I see part of the reasons why in one simple eulogy.

It disturbed me to my core to be honest.  And it was right  there in that moment where I thought, holy shit,  I want my life to be about so much more than food.  I want my eulogy to read something to the effect of here was one bad-ass, kick-ass, strong independent female who wasn’t afraid to live her life.  She loved to run, and be outside and travel.  She ran marathons, half marathons until she was old and gray.  Not and I paraphrase quote the eulogy, “due to health restrains (i.e., she was too fat) in her later life she wasn’t able to get around or go outside much”  I want my eulogy to say she remained active and healthy and ran races until she died.  These are lessons that life has taught me.  I want my eulogy to talk of all the amazing adventures I had in life.  All the places I went, the things I saw, the life I lived and was not afraid to do.  I know in my heart there are a million adventures still out there waiting for me.  Things I haven’t even dreamed of yet.  I know aside from running a marathon that while I can’t quite think of it yet that there is undoubtable even cooler things in my future.  I love myself and my life and my health not because it makes me look better, but because it makes me live an amazing life.  It gives me the opportunities to not be afraid to live the way I want.  And that right there is the reason I do any and all of this.  It is far beyond vanity at this point in my life.  It’s about winning at life.  And leaving behind the most kick-ass eulogy possible.  End of rant. 

After the service where I somehow did manage to not pass out we got in the car and drove to the cometary to bury her and then back to the church for a gathering in the hot basement.  Let me tell you for a second I had a mental moment where I had to fight with all my might to remain in control.  What I mean is this.  The entire spread was cookie after glorious cookie.  Lots of delicious varieties including my favorite frosted sugar cookies.  I might have almost hypervenalated when I saw them.  My brain said oh shit, I’m in trouble here.  Next to the cookies were varies slices of different kinds of pie.  OMG.  Control. Control.  I tried to breathe.  Do you want one?  Someone asked me.  Yes, that is the problem my brain said.  And not just one, I want every single god-damned cookie on that spread.  It didn’t help that I was starving.  “NO NO NO” I told myself. No way. Not doing it. Can’t. Just can’t.  I scooped up some chunks of watermelon that were present, thank God for them.  And got a cup of coffee.  I was going to remain in control of this situation.  By this point it was late in the day and we were tired and had to get home so we honestly didn’t stay long.

Every second I sat in that church basement was a total testament to mind over matter.  Do NOT eat the cookies.  Don’t look at the cookies. Don’t watch all the people eating cookies. Or pie.  Or the baked muffin pastries people were downing. You don’t need them.  You are better than that.  But I did it. I survived.  Yes, I could have ate a cookie, I am fully aware.  But would it really have been just 1?  I don’t know the answer to that.  And I felt better not having touched them.  I’m working way too hard on my goals right now for that.  I don’t need it. I don’t like the way it makes me feel.  How sluggish my body gets as a result, so no, no thank you. I shall pass.  And that was that my friends.  We got in the car and drove away and I didn’t.  Not even a little bit.

We stopped for Subway on the way home and I had real food and felt very proud of myself as a result.  Some days it’s easier than others.  As a result I woke up this morning feeling very happy and confident and in control.  I can do this.  All of this.  In 49 days, 7 weeks to the day I shall be boarding a plane for Maui and I am in total control.  I don’t believe in between now and then I won’t fuck up and binge again I am sure I will at some point.  I won’t be entirely perfect, that’s impossible and honestly I wouldn’t want to be.  I deserve treats.  Speaking of that I did have a cookie at home last night.  A single cookie.  One that was controlled and regulated in my environment. And it was delicious and I didn’t feel guilt at all.  Oatmeal raisin cookie.  I’m not trying to deny myself treats or cookies.  Just the giant crazy spread of them that leads to cookie after cookie.   So yes, this morning I felt great about myself and that was the real reward and take away from yesterday.  Live my God Damned life to the fullest so that I have a eulogy I’d be proud of.


And then this entire morning was spent driving in the car.  Yup all morning up to Portland and around and back down.  But I did stop at the Coach store because I have been wanting a new pair of clear sunglasses for Maui and these little babies are my reward for my awesome-ness as of late.  Okay, I don’t need an excuse but seriously I love them.


And that leads me to right here, right now.  And I’m happy and glad it’s Friday afternoon and the weekend is almost upon me.  I have half marathon number 40 tomorrow.  Can you believe it will be number 40?  Seriously, I still remember what the first one felt like and where we are at 40.  I feel like that is kind of a big deal.  Not as big of a deal as say 50 or running a full marathon.  But still 40 is pretty impressive actually.  Yeah, I’ve run 40 half marathons.  That sounds like a grand start to an epic eulogy already.  Alas it is supposed to be like record breaking hot this weekend and I am not thrilled about an 8 AM half start tomorrow but oh well, I run slow, who cares.  At the end of it is the knowledge that I finished 40 of these bad boys to date.  I don’t have any major plans for Sunday just yet, but I know I want to be active and healthy.  I can’t sit around all day and do nothing, that is just not in me.  I am sure I will come up with something of value!

Have an amazingly epic, eulogy inspiring kind of weekend.  Okay, let’s just settle for staying cool and having peace and love in your heart.

Fashion Friday

Fashion Friday Time!

Alas it's that time again to highlight my adorable workout clothes for this week. Not that you haven't been seeing them all already all week in the photos but nonetheless I am documenting them this way as a keepsake and I "think" someday I will be happy I did? I say this in the form of a question though because I am not 1000% sure that is the truth.  But for now I love it.  I am also certain at some point I might stop doing this as well.  But again, as long as I'm in the zone I am going to go with it.  My workout clothes are the bomb and the thing that makes me feel the most comfortable in my own skin. Boy you know your an "athlete" when you say shit like that!  Anyway, without further adu here they are. (I missed one outfit ensemble due to camping and not having a real mirror to take the photos in, but ah well!)








Thursday, July 30, 2015

I don't want to but I will anyway


Good morning. Good afternoon. Whatever you want to call it.  It feels much later than it actually is to me because I did manage to get myself up for a second time this week to run before work.  I guess the more you do something the more of a habit it will become? It’s ever so “slightly” easier to wake up, but not really in the grand scheme of things.  I tell you, only this marathon shit is going to get me to get up.  In all the time I’ve been working out I’ve barely ever managed a pre work workout.  It’s this marathon and my driving determination or fear. Perhaps its fear of failure that really motivates me to put in the work.  Either way, I did it.  But let’s not jump ahead of ourselves.  Let’s back the train up to yesterday, where we last left off in the thrilling, exhilarating life of Emily.

So yesterday afternoon I totally hit a wall. A crazy, I just don’t want to, any of it, kind of wall.  I really didn’t want to work out. I was really tired and exhausted, but ultimately I knew that I needed to. That my plan had to stay on track because it really is just what I do in this life.  I am beyond motivated.  I am certain that in reality from here on out there won’t ever be a time in my life where I possess this much determination for a single purpose.  Maybe I will find something.  But there is nothing like it being the “first” and being relatively terrified of it that will motivate you.  I wasn’t that terrified of running a half.  I was terrified the night before for sure, but leading up to it I wasn’t really that scared.  I knew I could easily run 6-8 miles and I figured I could mentally muscle out the rest.  But a full marathon.  That is terrifying.  I know what it feels like to run 13.1 miles.  Very well.  And then to turn around and do it all over again.  Yup, reasonably terrified.  So I put in the work to make it feel less terrifying as a whole.  But not going to lie, last night was one of those nights where I really didn’t want to.

I went to the gym.  I knew I needed to run 3 miles and then I had Amanda’s strength  training class which is generally one of my favorite classes all around.  When I got to the gym I talked to Amanda for a while and then I forced myself on that treadmill.  I have really come to loath treadmill running. It’s crazy to me how many hours I have logged on a treadmill in my former life.  That version of me ONLY ran on treadmills and clearly found some sort of peace with it.  This girl, the girl I am today, just ugh.  Treadmills are akin to torture.  But whatever.  Sometimes very necessary.  So I got on the thing and just put it at a 5.5 pace.  The thing is, I can’t find any motivation to run faster on a treadmill typically. And I know the first couple minutes trick your brain into thinking all running is going to suck.  So I figured I’d build my heart rate up naturally and I’d eventually increase the speed a little if I felt it.

Also, this yesterday 4 days in a row of running, which I don’t believe is always recommended so I thought, hey I could go slower if my body needed it.  I spent about 5 minutes at that pace before kicking it up a tenth of a notch.  I ran for a couple more minutes and was like, heart rate is balancing out.  Adrenalin is kicking in.  I can do this.  Up to 5.8.  Then after about 1.5 miles, halfway thru my 3 mile “planned” run, I was like, I can do more.  Up to 6.  And then eventually it went 6.2.  And eventually I just kept running and it felt okay and I had a couple extra minutes before class so I did 3.5 miles.  But the last 2-3 minutes I really upped my game you see, I took that bad boy’s speed up to 7.2.  You heard that right. I ran at a 7.2 for like 90 seconds or something.  That’s impressive to me because that is a sprint for my short little legs.  No joke on a treadmill which is just fairly awful.  So yeah me. And then it was off to class.

I have realized that in the last month or two realistically that I have slightly been not working my legs as hard in classes.  It’s intentional.  It’s because I don’t want to make my legs so sore that I can’t run.  Running is my main focus for the next 7 weeks obviously.  And last night in class she declared it a heavy leg/butt day. I was like, sigh.  But I did it all of course. But I don’t think I am working quite as hard as I actually could.  I am okay with that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m working.  I just prefer to be able to walk correctly in order to run correctly.  But I sweated, I did it.  It was all good.  And when I was done I felt like a crazy happy I got this high. Because I really didn’t WANT to do that one.  I really didn’t.  As evident by the afternoon Instagram I posted where I was like, Nope, don’t want to. 


 

So that was a success all around for me. Thank goodness. And then I went home, and tried to get all my stuff together to get myself up this morning to run. And then I remembered I needed to find a dress to wear to said funeral tonight after work.  I can’t really wear jeans after all.  And it is HOT. Like in the 100’s kind of hot here and I need a dress. So I was trying on a couple and found this ensemble I am going to be wearing tonight.



I can’t believe how good I felt in that dress. I’ve owned this dress for a while.  I love the dress, but am always so nervous that my stomach fat or rather extra skin is going to look hideous in this tight dress.  And at some points in my life it has. It’s been too much for me to even slightly consider wearing it out in public.  I am not certain I actually ever have worn it out in public. Until today. It’s going to happen tonight because even if it isn’t perfect. Even if from some angles or what not things are a little extra poochy, it is still pretty damned good.  So I will take it! And smile because I earned that body.

Oh, and totally forgot. Speaking of that body.  I got up and weighed myself this morning per my typical Thursday morning routine.  Now I don’t know if it was slightly skewed because the weigh-in happened at 5:30 AM instead of my normal 7:00 weigh in, but nonetheless, despite yesterday it being up a little, today it was down a little.  Actually more than enough to satisfy me. 

140.5

Yup, there you have it.  140 point freaking five.  This is a .8 almost pound loss from last week.  Pretty amazing all things considered. I guess it is possible to turn around some of damage you cause in 3 days’ time.  Perfectly on track, healthy Monday thru Wednesday and the scale is down.  We all do realize how close that number is inching to 140 even and then into the shudder 130 something.  Okay, like 139.9 but anything with a 3 as the second decimal place is kind of crazy surreal to me.  Sure I’ve been in that range in my life on multiple occasions but never for any real extended period of time. Never without probably systematically torturing myself to get there. Certainly not with all of the muscle that my body presently possesses.  I have seen 135 range on my body before.  But not anything like what my body looks like now. Not 140.5 with tons of pretty beautiful muscle. 

Weight is not really the goal for me, as I’ve often said, but it is still nice to see it going down when I’ve been working so hard.  And I’m not going to lie, I really do notice the changes in my body when my weight decreases.  Little amounts make a noticeable difference. I am finally starting to feel like my legs are maybe getting a smidge more firm.  Apparently it takes losing more and more weight for them to start to get slimmer. But I am starting to get comfortable in my own legs, which have always been my problem child.  I wonder what 5 more pounds could do?  That is essentially my goal now. 135 for Maui.  Not an unhealthy weight for me.  I am like 5 foot 2 and a half inches that I round up to 5 foot 3 inches.  I’ve been 135, I’ve been 132 for a second in time with forced starvation and binge exercising.  But the way I am doing it now is truly earned.  Deserved.  I’m eating tons of clean foods for the first time in like forever and exercising. And my body loves it.  It is responding so well to it all.

I have 7 more weigh-ins or weeks really until Maui.  In 7 weeks tomorrow I leave for my epic vacation/trip/experience.  I think 5.5 pounds in 7 weeks seems like a realistic goal, of course I am not going to kill myself to get it.  I also know at my weight and size that this could be an unrealistic goal too.  But it’s kind of my perfect moment in time goal.  My everything is lining up, the moon and the stars and the whole wide world into this one epic experience.  My marathon.  My trip.  I don’t know that I am ever going to regain this feeling.  I don’t know how I could maintain this level of happiness, so I am just going to enjoy it right now while I can. While I’m in the zone.  Nothing makes me feel more alive than working towards a tangible obtainable goal.  I don’t do well with abstract, build more muscle kind of goals. How do you obtain that or track it? I need things with a plan of action, like a marathon. Ha Ha.

I don’t have any unrealistic expectation that post Maui I will be able to completely maintain this level of excitement about working out, or running.  Or that I will even be able to maintain this body at this weight therefore I am just going to enjoy it for right now.  You never know though. Results are motivating. It makes me want to strive for more. But for now. I am just beyond thrilled with 140.5 Been a very long time since I’ve seen such a number. 

So now onto the reality that this morning I woke up and actually ran.  It wasn’t totally easy.  This is day 5 of running in a row. (13.1 miles, 3 miles, 6.5 miles, 3.5 miles, and then today 5 miles)  But I knew I needed to. I knew if I wanted any shot of not beating myself up all day and being pissed that I had to work out. I had to get it done. I actually felt okay when I started but eventually I crashed on the run. The first 3 miles were awesome.  Like 9:20 minute miles.  Then the reality is it got hot.  And it made me cringe for Saturday.  It was like 7:15 AM and it was too hot to be running. I felt my speed slow because of the heat.  And our half doesn’t even start until 8 AM.  It is going to be so fucking miserable I almost don’t want to.  But I am going to of course.  But It’s going to be painful in so many ways.  Turtle speed, slow and steady. Going to definitely be a 2:20 something half time.  I honestly don’t foresee anything different and give myself permission to slow down because of the heat.

But anyway, I didn’t have a set course or distance I wanted to run this morning. I was thinking at least 4 probably between 4-5.  But the heat was enough and since I didn’t really need the run on my plan as I neared the house around like 4.6 or 4.7 miles I was like just finish out the 5 miles, which never actually ends up being quite dead on when you are running towards your house I had to do a few steps past the house to just get an even number of 5.10 miles.  So pretty decent for the morning.  49:56 time, with 524 calories burned.  Damn-it, why couldn’t it say 1 more calorie.  I like even things.  But I am getting faster.  I know it. If I could kill the heat some that would help.



So now I get to go thru my day a starving puppy because that is what an AM run does to me.  In fact I ate my “lunch” at 10 AM.  I say lunch but it’s not really lunch. Mostly I just have a bunch of evenly portioned calorie/protein mini meals.  I give myself 4 of them during the day and try to space them out. I try to not eat until 11 AM but too hungry, ate at 10. It happens.  I actually planned on the starvation so I packed an extra serving of very boring and lovely grilled chicken.  It is not maybe the tastiest thing around but it’s quite effective.  Its healthy, clean and loaded with protein that helps state the appetite.  Just get thru this day and off to a funeral. Sounds like a blast right? Whatever, I will deal with it.

And of course this means a full 48 hour rest period for me before I run another half marathon on Saturday morning.  I do think this was the wisest decision over all for me.  I plan on resting tomorrow because generally speaking I think it’s a good idea to give yourself a day off before running a half.  I tend to do a little better.  I think my body needs the rest and the healthy nutrition that I intend to give it the next 48 hours.  I am going to need extra fuel and water for this particularly grueling hot half.

So there you have it.  All of the ramblings for today.  Be back at you tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Days of our Lives



And so are the days of our lives.

Continuing where we last left off yesterday.

I feel like I am writing the soap opera version of my life except it’s not really a soap opera, but in recounting my life, its constantly last time we checked in… HA HA. Nothing like a thorough and complete accounting of one’s life written out online in sheer and utter excess.

Yesterday I proved to be excessively hungry as I pretty much could have guessed.  Running in the morning always does that to me, but I was bound and determined to stay on my game.  I made this lovely little collage in the afternoon.


And then I went ahead and changed into my workout clothes and did this one.


Then I decided it was time for a little Transformation Tuesday action on Instagram and made this collage.


And then I headed to the gym.  I was really unbelievably game yesterday for working out.  Except I didn’t really want to lift anything.  I know, weird right.  Well basically my upper body was tired and sore from Monday night.  I didn’t really need to run anymore. Not really.  I was not sure what I wanted to do honestly, so I ended up with this. 

I got to the gym and did a 1 mile warm my body up run.  Then I headed to ABS/Core class which actually was a little more challenging last night than previous weeks.  This is the least effective class of the week because it’s just mostly core work while good for the abs, not great for calorie burn and all.  After class I knew I needed more but wasn’t sure.  Amanda was like let’s do 10 minutes of sprints on the treadmill. I was like sure.  I had no other plan.  It was set the treadmill at an incline and fast speed and then 20 second sprint/10 second rest for a total of 10 minutes.  Let me tell you, 10 seconds is NOT enough for your heart rate to recover.  It was brutal. But effective.  10 minutes was enough.  Then because I wasn’t ready to be done, I decided to do a 500 rep workout that was on the board in the group exercise room. Why not.  This is what happens when I don’t have a clear plan, I find one written on a board and just do it.

This whole 500 rep thing actually kind of proved to be a lie.  Because honestly it was more.  It went like this.

50 kettlebell squats
50 jumping jacks
50 walking lunges with a plate overhead
50 Ball slams
50 high knees (which turns out was 100 because it was 50 each leg she said)
50 mountain climbers (again REALLY 100, both legs)
50 Russian twists (actually 100 because that meant each side!)
50 bosu ball crunches
50 Battle rope slams (another 100 really)
50 Jump ropes

10 exercies- 50 reps each or more equals 500 reps.  I did this relatively quickly and then decided I wasn’t quite done mostly because I was a little shy of the 500 calorie mark burned total and was like eh, let’s just do more.  So I redid these exercises but only 20 of each.  (40 on those double ones)

After that I was done.  This put me at a total of like 521 calories burned I think, for workout 2. Combined with my AM run, put me at 1,122 calories for the whole day.  A lot and enough.


I honestly don’t know what got in me yesterday other than I was really motivated for some reason.  Just kept at it, you know.  Sometimes I am just like that. It was a good day.  Came home, cleaned up, did my thing, then Chris came home and we had omelet’s for dinner and then I had some popcorn because that seems to be a good go-to snack for me these days.

This morning I woke up feeling fine.  Nothing too major going on. Exercise is a beautiful thing. It makes me happy when skies are gray. Ha. 


But here’s the thing.  My grandma’s funeral is tomorrow evening which means I can’t go to the gym.  Not a crazy big deal, except that I kind of want to take Friday off from the gym because I have a half on Saturday morning and I really don’t think it’s the best thing for me to work out Friday night.  Plus no classes, not really sure what I’d do.  Overall just not needed.  But I don’t want to take BOTH Thursday and Friday off. Yes, insane girl problems here.  So I kind of have come to the conclusion that alas I have to wake up early tomorrow morning and run before work again.  I know, 2 times in a week; insanity.  But drastic times call for drastic measures.  I don’t even really need to run, but this time I will just be running to burn calories and for exercise because it’s the only time I can fit it in.  So that is probably going down tomorrow AM.  A girl has just got to do what a girl has got to do.  Plus that means if I run tomorrow that it will be 48 hours on the clock in between that workout and my half and I actually think this is a good thing.  I think this will give my body a nice needed rest.  I don’t have a problem with that at all.  But I can’t do nothing tomorrow, that isn’t going to fly for me.

Which leads me to the reality that tomorrow is weigh in day and folks it isn’t going to be pretty. I caved and sneak peeked this morning and it wasn’t good. It was that dang weekend. Not sure I can really salvage it all in 3 days’ time (Monday-Wednesday) but either way I am not going to really freak out either.  Hopefully by tomorrow AM things just level out. I don’t expect a loss at all but close to a maintain would be lovely.  Either way, not the end of the world at all.  I’m at a great place and I feel good and that is mostly what matters.  I feel like I look the best I ever have. I feel very strong and confident and that far outweighs a silly number. 

Did I mention how hot my half is supposed to be. It doesn’t start until 8 AM and it’s supposed to get up into the 100’s on Saturday. Going to be pretty awful really. I am going to go SLOW SLOW SLOW as a result but I’m going to do it and that is the more important thing.

Tonight at the gym is a 3 mile run (although technically I don’t have to since I will be running in the morning.) We will see about that. And then it’s a 45 minute strength training class.  I like this class.  Good times. I am terribly starving right now so I need to go eat something.  Have a wonderful day.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The one where I felt better





All right so from where we last left off in this continuing online diary/saga of Emily’s life.  Well, I don’t like the word saga actually because that implies that things are dramatic and mostly they aren’t.  Mostly I try to keep my world perfectly in balance and drama free. We all as a whole function better this way.  Especially me with my crazy brain.  I tend to do better when I can push out all the negativity and just focus on the positive which is what I try and do most of the time anyway.

With all that said I was still feeling very off yesterday,  kind of lost in the drama so to speak of the whole family crap.  Of course, this isn’t really fair considering I didn’t talk to anyone yesterday at all and I am sure on some level I am completely overreacting.  I know I am honestly.  It’s not the end of the world by any means and yet I let it fester and affect me.  It’s just that sometimes I have these moments where these people who I love and love me just don’t “get” me or understand or even care.  And mostly they mind their own business and leave me alone but when it affects their lives it’s all like, oh, you should do this and you should do that. You know and it’s like, whoa, sorry I am not what you want me to be, but this is all that I am.  Anyway, yesterday it took a text message from Amanda to remind me that I am actually not alone in all of this and I do have a friend/someone who gets this, that supports me, that is on the same page as me. 

She texted me that she was feeling drained and sluggish and she still had a full upper body workout planned for the evening after work and that she didn’t think she could get thru it.  All things I understand.  I offered up positive encouragement and then she was like you should join me.  And of course the answer was YES.  The answer is always going to be yes.  And then there was relief.  She was thankful that I was going to be next to her pushing her along, motivating her and I was thankful because I needed her too.  I needed someone to understand and help motivate me.  It was exactly what I needed.  And it instantly made me feel better and pulled me out of my mental funk.  Sure I had a shitty weekend on a lot of levels.  I ate bad, I had family drama but none of it really matters in the grand scheme of things. I am still on track.  I am stick focusing on my goals and I have people who do understand. 

The evening workout was intense.  And long.  I knew it would be with adding in Amanda’s killer upper body workout.  These are her own personal workouts she is doing to get ready for a bodybuilding show.  In like 4 weeks she’s doing a competition.  Just a bikini fitness competition.  Bikini category is pretty much for the “pretty” girls who aren’t that muscular but still totally all about fitness.  That’s my Amanda.  Anyway she has crazy strict workouts and diet.  But I can hang with her and that’s cool.  I started out the night with a 1 mile run before class.  Warm up.  And then moved into the 30 minute HITT cardio class.  It was brutal as usual.  First round was 10 of everything, then 9 of everything, then 8… you get the point all the way down to 1 rep of each.  For a grand total of 55 of every exercise when you are all said and done) This was the list of activities:

Sprints (outside sprints)
Burpies
Froggers (frog style floor jumps)
Jump Tucks
Lateral Hops
Ski Planks
Jack Squats
Plank Jacks

It was enough.  I was dripping sweat actually. It was brutal.  Me and Amanda of course were the only 2 who actually finished the entire rounds in the 30 minute class time.  Yeah us!  Or crazy us.

And then we moved on to Amanda’s upper body killer workout.  It was a lot.  It was 20 reps of everything. We did chest and then back followed by shoulders then biceps/triceps.  It was heavy and hard.  Things are sore today as a result.  Right now my shoulders are beyond fried.  Good times.  And then for good measure after that like hour workout I still had to run another 2 miles.   So I could get my 3 mile training run done.  I know technically I’m probably supposed to run them all in a row, but I will compromise when needed to break the miles up as necessary.  That is as much as I’m willing to budge on the plan.  It was a long night at the gym.  I burned 816 calories so yeah, a lot for a night.  But I felt great afterwards and was obviously reminded of why I do any of what I do.  For this.  To be this strong happy woman.  I feel much better and in my zone when I am working out. This is who I am. This is who I am supposed to be.


So just because these were also the Instagram photos from yesterday during the day.  The do better, as I was still slightly suffering from feeling like a failure and mentally beating myself up because of the family drama etc.  And then my workout fashion post because hey, it’s cute right?  And then I went ahead yesterday and made a big 24x24 calendar of a Maui countdown.  Because I can.  Because the graphic designer girl in me still exists and I used InDesign to create this whole thing.  And we have a giant printer at work that I really rarely use for any personal purpose but I went ahead and printed out a poster for me to cross off my runs on.  It has a daily countdown of days.  You know this shit gets real when you have an official countdown going on.  8 weeks. Less now actually. 8 freaking weeks! Plus bonus I get to x off the days on the countdown.  That’s satisfying really. 




 
After I got home last night, later than I expected because of the extra workout and all, I showered and tried on some size 6 Victoria Secret Pink shorts I got in the mail from eBay.  I never know what size to order honestly, because my brain and my body don’t always match up.  Sometimes I order way too big, and sometimes too small.  I’ve been attempting to find the correct size for a while. I started with a 10 because I was like hey, jeans are not as forgiving and I want them a little bigger than too small.  Nope, too big.  Next was 8 and I still felt like there was some more give in there.  On to a size 6, looks pretty good to me.  But if I’m being honest I might be able to do a 4, but I might not push my luck that much.  These 6’s look great and are far better than what I could ever hope for.  Plus I just honestly felt really small and good in these photos.  And strong.  I noticed that I had an overwhelmingly strong looking body.  It wasn’t tiny and weak.  It was tiny and fit.  Something that I’ve been striving for my whole freaking life.  But honestly I felt great and confident.


Which leads me to this morning. It’s Tuesday morning so we all know what that means.  It means it’s my early morning outside training run day.  Yup, I’m still going strong at that.  I am shocked really. But not shocked too because of the whole obsessive compulsive girl thing.  I must do all the runs.  So I woke up like this.


Tired and NOT wanting to do it at all.  I mean, realistically I ran 13.1 miles on Sunday, 3 yesterday while killing it with other stuff as well) and now I was telling my body to run 6.5.  The first mile was brutal.  Although at the end of it I think I still managed a 10:06 mile which doesn’t seem that bad to me.  Especially for a training run.  Can I just say for a second how much easier it is to run outside than on a stupid treadmill.  Why has it taken me this long in my life to realize this? Geesh.  Anyway, the first mile felt painful and slow.  Then I picked it up a bit.  Mile 2 was 9:39 and Mile 3 was 9:29 before leveling out to about a 9:45 pace for the rest of the run.  This is amazing for me. And I am going to tell you why. Because honestly, this is faster than I normally run during any training run.  And it felt pretty comfortable.  And I wasn’t crazy pushing myself. And I did not have any external motivation or stimulation that a race setting brings.  This was just me running, not wanting to run really, and moving at that speed.  And each of these morning training runs keep getting a little better and better.


This was my 4th AM 6.5 mile run.  These are my times week to week to run the exact same 6.5 mile run, pretty much same exact route.

1:07:24 (average speed of 5.8 mph)
1:06:32 (average speed of 5.9 mph)
1:04:49 (average speed of 6.0 mph)
1:03:29 (average speed of 6.2 mph)

I suppose that doesn’t seem like a crazy lot, but in terms of running and keeping speeds and endurance up for that pace, it kind of is.  That first run was an average speed of 5.8, vs today being 6.2 miles per hour.  That is actually a very decent improvement.  I am not necessarily intentionally trying to run fast on these runs.  I am just doing my thing, running comfortable and it’s really impressive to me to see that in 4 weeks I have improved like this without necessarily trying so hard.  Crazy right?  This training this is so working and honestly I am so in love with it.  Yes, all that time being so scared to actually train for a marathon, thinking I didn’t want to, because I didn’t want to put in the work.  Man, I was so wrong.  Gladly admit I was crazy wrong.  I am so in love with marathon training it’s ridiculous!

I can tell you this, running on the treadmill I can’t or perhaps don’t want to come close to maintaining these speeds.  It’s just mentally boring as hell I think.  For instance last night my 3 mile run was not run anywhere near any of these speeds. Isn’t that funny?  My first mile I ran at a 5.8, but when I got back on there to run my 2 miles post all that workout all I could manage was a 5.5 without wanting to die.  I ran 2 miles at a 5.5 last night and this morning I ran 6.5 miles at a speed of 6.2.  Outside running is the best.  I am suddenly going to terribly miss it when it gets to be winter again.  Nothing beats running outside.  I just feel more alive and actually feel like I’m accomplishing something my moving from a point to a point instead of going round and round on the treadmill.  Seriously. 

But clearly I felt off the charts, over the top good today.  Good to realize that my training run hit that speed consistently for 6.5 miles.  This makes me feel awesome.  Makes me wonder where I can go in another 8 weeks, right?  Because basically my half marathon PR this last weekend was run at an average speed of 6.2 miles per hour, so I am right there.  I think I can get a little faster actually.  I kind of think I can.  Oh, and today my heart rate was much more consistent. Or rather it didn’t quite spike.  My average heart rate for the run was 155 with my peak high being 163 whereas my average on my half this weekend was 166 with a max of 180.  I was shocked my peak wasn’t higher today. It means I wasn’t working as hard to achieve the same results.  Knowing perfectly well that I had a little more in the tank honestly.  All good things.  All things that make me happy.  And I’ve got 8 weeks.

All of this is probably helped my decreasing weight too.  Less weight to carry around, makes me go faster, right?  I just feel much better today as a whole. Like crazy happy better about things.  At least from where I was at yesterday anyway.

Speaking of yesterday and the family stuff, the funeral is set for Thursday night. So that is going to happen.  Means I can’t go to the gym.  Which sucks, but its life right.  Guess that means I have to work out on Friday, not really my favorite or my general plan since I am running a half Saturday morning but what can I really do? It sucks. 

Okay so I am crazy hungry right now, like off the charts hungry so I think it’s time for me to eat my peanut butter rice cake things. Yup, yup.  Feeling much better today. I got this.  And crazy excited and happy.  And all those good things that running do for you.  And looking forward to some more calorie burn tonight at the gym.  It’s core/abs class which doesn’t burn shit in terms of calories but still works my abs in a way that I won’t do on my own so I guess that’s a good thing.  And then afterwards, well, not entirely certain, but I must do something, some strength training.  I will figure it out of course. I always do.  Yeah to happy running Tuesday!