Holy cow somehow this day just flew right by me. It is now 2:30 PM and I am just writing out this post. Mostly because I’ve spent the last couple hours running errands around town like a chicken with my head cut off. Love those days, but alas, I am comfortably planted in my office chair awaiting a phone call from my boss for some billing amounts to do month end invoicing. Yup, sometimes I do work. Alas, without the amounts we need to bill I am at a standstill, for the moment.
Tonight is my rest day from exercise and I am certain my body is in much need of it, especially because I have every intention and therefore WILL go to the gym tomorrow morning at 9 AM for kickboxing. I am certain that pushing my legs further tonight would not be in order. I mean last night, despite being incredibly tired already, I made myself do a 30 minute butts and guts class which was less painful than the previous night but still pushed the limits of those guts. And then following that I ran for 45 minutes, a nice 4.5 mile run. Decent enough and exhausting really. So four days in a row of four major workouts and I am just physically spent. Tonight is rest, although the actual reality of having Friday be my rest day might not be the smartest thing in the world. Friday night already almost always produces an “Eh… it’s the weekend and I don’t care.” Kind of attitude for me. At least if I were exercising I’d have that high to steer me away from the bad foods, but whatever. I need a rest day and I will once again test my resolve in avoiding the foods that I should not binge on. Easier said than done. Last Friday night was a candy binge-fest which did result in me declaring an emergency removal of the candy drawer. I have had this giant candy drawer for years in my house. For the most part I just don’t even touch it. Really I kind of forget of its existence. But when I remember and my brain is in candy sugar mode, one piece will just not be enough. And its pure existence in the house means I’m in trouble. I do great at avoiding a candy binge when it’s not so readily available to me.
Anyhow; the candy drawer is gone. Not that there aren’t plenty of other triggers in the house to binge on. Hello Hint of Lime Tostados that I keep buying because you are so delicious and yet so binge-inducing. But whatever, we have to temper all this with I eat clean and healthy like 80% of the time so if I have a few indulgences from time to time it’s not the end of the world. Plus the truth is I think it’s quite possible that tonight will include Friday night date night which means we are going to a restaurant and healthy food won’t be on the agenda. Sure, sure I won’t order the worst thing on the menu I’m sure, but by nature restaurants are just not healthy. But a girl has to live a little to enjoy life. For serious!
Anyhow, I’m not stressing about a bad day, especially since I have a gut feeling that I can keep tomorrow pretty damned clean in my eating so some indulgences tonight would be fine. Plus tonight I get a package delivered; okay it’s already been delivered actually waiting for me at home, with some Quest Nutrition bars in it. Super excited for that. We’ve all figured it out by now, that when I do something I go full force with it. Full speed ahead as they say. One of my best and worst traits all wrapped up into one really.
It’s actually quite funny to me that I sit here and write all this stuff about me and my life every day and I do have those moments of like, “why the hell do I do this?” Who wants to read about my boring day or my need to buy a quest nutrition bar…. And then I think it’s quite possible no one actually is reading this. Okay, I know a couple of you read it and I love you for it. But overall I am one long winded girl. I think in real life I don’t chat this much, unless you really know me. I chat this much with people I am really close too, other than that I don’t say much at all.
That whole social anxiety thing I talk about, or the fears and insecurities I have at the gym, yeah, that transfers to all aspects of my life. I don’t actually talk to anyone at the gym. It’s very hard for me to actually be outgoing. I keep thinking that I really need to try and open my mouth. I am not a bad person and people probably won’t look at me funny if I make polite conversation. If only I could get out of my own damned head for a moment and realize they aren’t checking me out and judging me nearly as much as I think they are. In fact, I am almost certain most people are not assessing me as much as I assess every situation.
So anyhow in the vein of just discussing things I love. I want to tell you all, if you are interested, and most of you are probably not, but whatever anyway… Victoria Secret is having an online sale right now that is pretty awesome. I say this because I am totally obsessed with them and their workout clothes in particular actually. Basically I have discussed before how my boobs are completely deflated saggy things and the only semblance of help they get is a Victoria Secret bra. Anyhow, it took me a while to realize that in order to love the way I look while exercising or feel comfortable or confident at the gym that this would probably hold true for workout bras. And then I bought an expensive workout bra. I do mean they are stupidly Victoria Secret Bra kind of expensive, but boy oh boy are they awesome. It’s like once you know how amazing something can be, you can never go back you know.
Anyway, I am going to bring up this point just so anyone knows, Victoria Secret does sell all of their clothes in sizes XS-XL, and yes, I wore tons of VS clothes when I was 220 pounds, including their workout gear so that should not be an issue. The reason I am bringing this up now is because right now until the 30th, like 2 more days they are having two coupon codes that coincide with each other making a great deal, one is for an additional 20% off clearance stuff and one is for free shipping and handling off a $25 purchase. All of this happens to go with their big semi-annual clearance sale as well. So well stock is getting more limited and sizes are running out they do have some of the workout stuff on clearance and with those prices it would be a great time to try some of it for less than the sticker shocking full price that I have paid before. Yuck.
I am nothing if not a contradiction. I coupon my ass off and won’t pay for toiletries in life so that I can afford my beloved Toms shoes, Coach Purses, Expensive makeup (Too Faced, Philosophy, Urban Decay), and of course my all things Victoria Secret.
In case anyone is wondering the shipping code is SHIPSEMI which is listed on the front of their website really, and the extra 20% off is FASHION20, also listed there…. But these are some of my picks…
This is for clearance Yoga and loungewear as they call it, but I adore and workout in the yoga legging all the time. Like amazing. I prefer crop Capri’s but they have full length pants. I also like leggings because they are tight fitted at the bottom but they have pants that have more give. Whatever floats your boat I guess? But they have some clearance for $19.99 so with an extra 20% that is like $16 a pair. Let me say these are normally 2 for $55 and I buy them at this price all the time so $16 each is a GREAT price.
http://www.victoriassecret.com/clothing/clear-ance#filtered
Then we move to their Sport line of clothes where things start to get REALLY stupid expensive. Any workout pant in this line is crazy good, but crazy priced. Regularly like $65 a pair. They are clearance between $30-$40 so an additional 20% means like $24-32 for a pair and honestly these are quite worth that price. And then we have the sports bras. These are the ONLY way to go. Anything in the Angel, Incredible, Runway or Showstopper is an amazing sports bra. Actually pushes up the girls to the appropriate level and keeps them secure while I run. I would not go any other way on the sports bras. They are pretty true to size in terms of whatever bra size you are. Although in cup sizes sometimes I go down a little because I want them tight and firm and not giggly as I run. The sports bras are an awesome price on clearance. The angel sports bra which I LOVEEEEE is $24.99 instead of $46.50 which I totally have and will pay that price for, so with 20% off it’s a whopping like $20…. Great way to try some of them. And the Y-back training tanks are pretty awesome too. Just thought I’d throw that out there.
http://www.victoriassecret.com/victorias-secret-sport/sport-clear-ance
Anyhow, that is my advertisement for the day I guess. I am kind of an addict and would highly recommend any of these and in case you want to see me rocking some of these clothes, I ususally post daily pictures of my workout outfits on twitter… just look at the tab above under twitter feed….
But if I’ve ever learned anything it’s that what works for someone might not necessarily work for the next person as we are all so different. All this talk of cute workout clothes and shopping and the great deals makes me want to go place another order. Ha. So with that said enjoy your Friday nights everyone and have a great weekend. I fully intend to!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Future Pin-Up Girl
Well hello there Thursday. I like you because we are one day closer to the much desirable weekend. I actually have a love/hate relationship with my weekends. So much love for the obvious reasons but some hate because I am never as good and healthy as I am during the week. Oh well; still wouldn’t trade it. I am slightly disappointed because those pesky weathermen said it would be 81 degrees today and thus far I only see clouds outside. No rain yet but no sun either. I swear my forecast does call for 90’s from here on out but I’m simply being impatient and want it NOW! Funny how I can totally live with the 90 heat because it’s not rain. I am most ready for it!!!
Anyhow. Let me recap my last night. I was so sore yesterday. I think more sore than I realized as the day progressed my entire core was just tight. There is really no way to describe it other than this overall it’s too small for my body kind of tight. It hurt to move. Seriously. But I went ahead and went to the gym for (3) 30 minute classes. I like Wednesday night classes and since my legs and arms weren’t sore I figured I could do most things; just NOT CORE. Well, there is always going to be core work I guess. I managed all right. First was dumbbell fit which obviously uses dumbbells to do strength training. Good stuff. This class was pretty good with the sore factor. I worked thru it. Then it was Cardio strength. This was much more cardio and somehow they were wanting lots of planks and sit-ups which I just couldn’t do. The pain was too much. Ah well. Finally it was Iron Power. I got to use the big weight bar and do more arm work. I loved it.
After my 1.5 hours of classes I was pretty much too exhausted to do anything else. I burned a round 500 calories and decided that given my state of sore and general lack of motivation it was good enough and I went home. I proceeded to eat as clean as possible to properly fuel my body from all the tearing down and breaking of my muscles. I know sore obviously means I worked my muscles and they are rebuilding themselves a little bit bigger and stronger and obviously I need to help them grow with the right foods. Thank goodness I actually love how healthy food makes me feel. And I can mostly manage to eat pretty clean for 5 days a week. Challenges set in on weekends but some of them are good too :)
This Saturday I will once again be hitting the gym for 9 AM kickboxing and then some other work. Saturday afternoon my mom and I have to run to a furniture store to use a group we bought ages ago that expires in July. Hopefully I can manage good clean healthy eating.
I’m not going to lie, all this muscle building not only leaves me tired but it sometimes leaves me feeling a little fat. Like I know my body is breaking itself down to rebuilt the new bionic version of me but in doing so I am sure I am retaining water like a fiend and of course I’m so afraid of the scale. Stupid scale, why do you have so much power when you are so useless??? I know building muscle and killing it physically is the overall goal so I should just embrace it and all the extra food and protein I’m consuming.
Speaking of protein consumption, I am excited to try these new Quest Nutrition bars that previous Biggest Loser contestants seem to glowingly recommend. Yesterday I even tweeted Olivia and Courtney from Biggest Loser Season 11 and asked what flavors they recommended and they both responded back. Love that! It feeds my pseudo obsession with stalking previous BL contestants. Anyhow turns out if you email the company, Quest Nutrition they are kind enough to send you 2 free bars as a sample. I emailed them and within in hour they responded to me asking me which 2 flavors I would like to try and for my address and then in another hour I had a shipping confirmation for 2 free bars. Got to love that. So I am throwing a shout out to them right here, right now. I don’t know if they are any good yet. We will see right. I will definitely let you know the moment I try them and of course which flavors I’m digging. But in the meantime, since they are giving free bars as samples I say get them!
Email to: support@questnutrition.com
Website: http://www.questproteinbar.com/
These bars are appealing to me because they have 20 grams of protein AND they have like 15 grams of fiber. They are still 5 ww points for anyone who cares but if I am eating 5 ww points like I have been with some of the bars I’ve ate lately at least these have so much good stuff to fill you up and they are slightly more natural. They say junk free snack but the ingredients aren’t bad all things considered. Again, I have not actually ate one yet so I don’t know on taste but they have amazing sounding flavors out there and again according to past BL contestants they truly are amazing. So I’m excited.
Oh, guys, this is what I’m up to. Yesterday I went ahead and bought this groupon:
http://www.groupon.com/deals/pixie-s-pin-ups-photography-1?utm_campaign=UserReferral&utm_medium=ApiV2&utm_source=uu30502763
Well, I actually bought it directly from the photographer since on her Facebook page she was offering additional photos and an outfit change if you bought directly with her. For those of you who did not follow the link above, it’s a photo session for basically sexy photos or pin-up photos. Yup, this girl is going to get some skanky photos. Ha. She sounds really nice actually as I chatted with her on the phone for a while. They are classy photos. Anyone who wants to see the photos can check out her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/PixiesPinups?fref=ts Anyhow; my appointment is tentatively set for August 11. So yes, I have a new goal in mind. Kick ass at the gym for the next 6 weeks so that I will look amazing in my sexy glamour type shots. I’ve got 6 weeks to build these little muscles up and then strut around in sexy pin-up clothing and get my picture taken. I kind of have always wanted to do this but honestly had no idea there was a place in the same town where I live that did this and it is super affordable. So much so that if I love it, which I kind of think I will because I’m vain and narcissistic that way, I could totally see myself doing thing again later. I think this is an awesome treat for a woman. Plus I love that most of her pictures are like true curvaceous women, not just stick thin girls.
So this morning my husband was kissing me good-bye and was like, you are looking so good. Sometimes I look at you and can’t believe you are my wife. You are hot. Awwhh… that is like the best compliment. That if he didn’t know me and he saw me he’d be very attracted to me. I know we’ve been together for 9 years and all but it’s still nice to hear from time to time you know. Then I promptly made him feel my arm muscle that is growing cause that’s just how I roll. I mean who really takes compliments in person all that well??? Not this girl for sure.
So I guess I’m saying don’t be surprised if in 6 weeks I have some awesome photos that I end up sharing. I don’t think they are going to be too bad so of course I might share some of them. Anyway, guess that’s about all for me today. Got to get back to some work and get a healthy snack.
Anyhow. Let me recap my last night. I was so sore yesterday. I think more sore than I realized as the day progressed my entire core was just tight. There is really no way to describe it other than this overall it’s too small for my body kind of tight. It hurt to move. Seriously. But I went ahead and went to the gym for (3) 30 minute classes. I like Wednesday night classes and since my legs and arms weren’t sore I figured I could do most things; just NOT CORE. Well, there is always going to be core work I guess. I managed all right. First was dumbbell fit which obviously uses dumbbells to do strength training. Good stuff. This class was pretty good with the sore factor. I worked thru it. Then it was Cardio strength. This was much more cardio and somehow they were wanting lots of planks and sit-ups which I just couldn’t do. The pain was too much. Ah well. Finally it was Iron Power. I got to use the big weight bar and do more arm work. I loved it.
After my 1.5 hours of classes I was pretty much too exhausted to do anything else. I burned a round 500 calories and decided that given my state of sore and general lack of motivation it was good enough and I went home. I proceeded to eat as clean as possible to properly fuel my body from all the tearing down and breaking of my muscles. I know sore obviously means I worked my muscles and they are rebuilding themselves a little bit bigger and stronger and obviously I need to help them grow with the right foods. Thank goodness I actually love how healthy food makes me feel. And I can mostly manage to eat pretty clean for 5 days a week. Challenges set in on weekends but some of them are good too :)
This Saturday I will once again be hitting the gym for 9 AM kickboxing and then some other work. Saturday afternoon my mom and I have to run to a furniture store to use a group we bought ages ago that expires in July. Hopefully I can manage good clean healthy eating.
I’m not going to lie, all this muscle building not only leaves me tired but it sometimes leaves me feeling a little fat. Like I know my body is breaking itself down to rebuilt the new bionic version of me but in doing so I am sure I am retaining water like a fiend and of course I’m so afraid of the scale. Stupid scale, why do you have so much power when you are so useless??? I know building muscle and killing it physically is the overall goal so I should just embrace it and all the extra food and protein I’m consuming.
Speaking of protein consumption, I am excited to try these new Quest Nutrition bars that previous Biggest Loser contestants seem to glowingly recommend. Yesterday I even tweeted Olivia and Courtney from Biggest Loser Season 11 and asked what flavors they recommended and they both responded back. Love that! It feeds my pseudo obsession with stalking previous BL contestants. Anyhow turns out if you email the company, Quest Nutrition they are kind enough to send you 2 free bars as a sample. I emailed them and within in hour they responded to me asking me which 2 flavors I would like to try and for my address and then in another hour I had a shipping confirmation for 2 free bars. Got to love that. So I am throwing a shout out to them right here, right now. I don’t know if they are any good yet. We will see right. I will definitely let you know the moment I try them and of course which flavors I’m digging. But in the meantime, since they are giving free bars as samples I say get them!
Email to: support@questnutrition.com
Website: http://www.questproteinbar.com/
These bars are appealing to me because they have 20 grams of protein AND they have like 15 grams of fiber. They are still 5 ww points for anyone who cares but if I am eating 5 ww points like I have been with some of the bars I’ve ate lately at least these have so much good stuff to fill you up and they are slightly more natural. They say junk free snack but the ingredients aren’t bad all things considered. Again, I have not actually ate one yet so I don’t know on taste but they have amazing sounding flavors out there and again according to past BL contestants they truly are amazing. So I’m excited.
Oh, guys, this is what I’m up to. Yesterday I went ahead and bought this groupon:
http://www.groupon.com/deals/pixie-s-pin-ups-photography-1?utm_campaign=UserReferral&utm_medium=ApiV2&utm_source=uu30502763
Well, I actually bought it directly from the photographer since on her Facebook page she was offering additional photos and an outfit change if you bought directly with her. For those of you who did not follow the link above, it’s a photo session for basically sexy photos or pin-up photos. Yup, this girl is going to get some skanky photos. Ha. She sounds really nice actually as I chatted with her on the phone for a while. They are classy photos. Anyone who wants to see the photos can check out her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/PixiesPinups?fref=ts Anyhow; my appointment is tentatively set for August 11. So yes, I have a new goal in mind. Kick ass at the gym for the next 6 weeks so that I will look amazing in my sexy glamour type shots. I’ve got 6 weeks to build these little muscles up and then strut around in sexy pin-up clothing and get my picture taken. I kind of have always wanted to do this but honestly had no idea there was a place in the same town where I live that did this and it is super affordable. So much so that if I love it, which I kind of think I will because I’m vain and narcissistic that way, I could totally see myself doing thing again later. I think this is an awesome treat for a woman. Plus I love that most of her pictures are like true curvaceous women, not just stick thin girls.
So this morning my husband was kissing me good-bye and was like, you are looking so good. Sometimes I look at you and can’t believe you are my wife. You are hot. Awwhh… that is like the best compliment. That if he didn’t know me and he saw me he’d be very attracted to me. I know we’ve been together for 9 years and all but it’s still nice to hear from time to time you know. Then I promptly made him feel my arm muscle that is growing cause that’s just how I roll. I mean who really takes compliments in person all that well??? Not this girl for sure.
So I guess I’m saying don’t be surprised if in 6 weeks I have some awesome photos that I end up sharing. I don’t think they are going to be too bad so of course I might share some of them. Anyway, guess that’s about all for me today. Got to get back to some work and get a healthy snack.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Food Choices
So you want to talk food? Actually Jennifer wanted to talk food based on a comment to yesterday’s post so I am going to go ahead and give a quick little run down. For the past while I haven’t really been tracking food all that much, I am so stuck in a rut; routine. Breakfast is usually Greek yogurt and/or coffee. I have a mid-morning snack of a banana or other fruit. Lunch is typically a lean cuisine or Smart Ones meal. Afternoon snack always, fruit typically. Dinners are a lot of fish or chicken. I like chicken and avocado. I love bread so yeah; I eat a lot of bread. Oops. We have spaghetti a lot. And I’m not going to lie I must always eat some sort of dessert.
I have been on again/off again tracking my food into my gym’s online tracking system where I’m supposed to put it in and eat WAY more than I do on weight watchers. Since I have been in protein mode lately I have been eating more. What I am posting is 3 days worth of eating for me. The past 2 days in fact and a day last week, mainly because my days are kind of hit and miss as to whether I end up actually recording everything but I did these 3 days so here you go. You can see what I’m eating and all the lovely nutritional break down. Of course this is actually MORE than I would eat while trying to lose weight as it is over my allotted 26 weight watchers points. I swear I was eating more like 1200-1400 calories a day on weight watchers and they want me to eat 1900 which I’m not. But it is more like 1600 I’m eating probably because I am so damned hungry! Anyway, food has never been my best aspect of health and nutrition but I will keep trying right… which I guess is why I enter stuff into the gym logbook.
The past two days had I really been doing weight watchers I would have taken out some the high protein thus high point items like the snack bars, etc. But its pretty clean mostly with lots of fruit.
I have been on again/off again tracking my food into my gym’s online tracking system where I’m supposed to put it in and eat WAY more than I do on weight watchers. Since I have been in protein mode lately I have been eating more. What I am posting is 3 days worth of eating for me. The past 2 days in fact and a day last week, mainly because my days are kind of hit and miss as to whether I end up actually recording everything but I did these 3 days so here you go. You can see what I’m eating and all the lovely nutritional break down. Of course this is actually MORE than I would eat while trying to lose weight as it is over my allotted 26 weight watchers points. I swear I was eating more like 1200-1400 calories a day on weight watchers and they want me to eat 1900 which I’m not. But it is more like 1600 I’m eating probably because I am so damned hungry! Anyway, food has never been my best aspect of health and nutrition but I will keep trying right… which I guess is why I enter stuff into the gym logbook.
The past two days had I really been doing weight watchers I would have taken out some the high protein thus high point items like the snack bars, etc. But its pretty clean mostly with lots of fruit.
The long deep thought kind of one
Warning: This is a long deep thought kind of one
I am completely exhausted today. I guess hard work at the gym will do that to someone. After having a most killer workout Monday night that resulted in a little soreness what does this genius girl do? Yup, of course I went to the gym last night. I honestly get to the gym about 5:15 PM, they usually have 5:30 classes that I want to take so it leaves me about 10 minutes to “warm up”. Last night I hoped on the stair climber and blasted thru 10 solid minutes burning my first 100 calories. Then I hit the class, butts and guts. I enjoy the classes a lot actually because certainly they make me do exercise that I otherwise would not do. However you notice that guts was included in that class title and my Monday night exercise was a lot of core work which is a lot of gut work. Somehow by the end of the 30 minutes my “gut” was feeling it. However, 30 minutes will never be enough workout for me so I really wanted to run last night. I only ran 2 miles yesterday and other than that my last good run was last Thursday. Legs wanted to run.
I headed up to the treadmill area and low and behold it was a busy night at the gym all of the I’m guessing 30 treadmills were in use. I waited a minute and one opened up right in the middle of a sea of exercisers. I am for the most part over my fear of public exercise so I guess this didn’t really bother me. I headed to it, hit a 6 speed on the treadmill, of course jacked my “workout mix” playlist on the iphone and went for it. Immediately I realized that my sore “core” was going to be of some issue while running but I pushed thru. Nice to know that running really does use your core so much. 20 minutes and I felt good but suddenly the treadmill came to a jarring stop. Yup, it’s preset to only go for 20 minutes. I have to actively tell it not to and I only remember to do that at the beginning of a run like 20% of the time. Oops. But after 20 minutes I was NOT done. I immediately restarted the thing and bumped the speed once again, this time challenging myself a little more at a higher speed. I wanted to run 3.1 miles but somewhere around 30 minutes after hitting my desired distance I just wanted to run a little more. I decided to push on for another 10 minutes to hit the whole 40 minute mark before the machine shut itself off again. I’m not going to lie given my overall exhaustion those last couple minutes were entirely about mind over matter. I had to will my strength to keep going. I told myself, just 5 minutes, you can do this, run. Then it was 3 ½ minutes, you can so do this Emily; keep going. Then it was 2 minutes and I’m like yes, you are almost done. Don’t quit now and of course 1 minute. You can do ANYTHING for 60 seconds.
When all was said and done I had knocked out 40 minutes about 4.2 miles of awesome make me feel strong, alive and high kind of running. Of course I am always slightly disappointed in myself that I couldn’t run another 20 minutes for a solid hour, of course I am sure I could have “made” myself but given I had already completed a class and other stuff and I did want to get home to my husband and dog I gave myself permission to be done at 40 minutes and a little over 4 miles. Basically I need to continually prove to myself that in doing all these other classes and exercises that I am still able to keep up with my running. I may not be running an hour 5 days a week right now but I need to mentally know that I “can” run an hour at a given moment’s notice if I want. For some reason that is important to me. I want to be strong and healthy but I don’t want to sacrifice my love and the clarity and freedom I get with running. I need to be able to still do it when I want.
I of course made some observations on the treadmill as well. Cause I had a solid 40 minutes to just get lost in thought which is part of what I love about running as well. This was the first time at the gym I had seen all the treadmills in use at once so it gave me prime opportunity to observe the behaviors of others. I am not making any judgments upon anyone else. Running and exercise in general is all an individual thing and you cannot compare yourself to anyone else. It’s a mental game against yourself only; however that doesn’t mean that crazy girls won’t try and find their place in all of this.
Like most overweight people or women probably in general who suffer from self-esteem issues I can only really embrace the whole public exercise running on a treadmill next to two strangers and of course with tons of people if I feel I am holding my own. I need to know that I am as good as anyone there. Again, I don’t necessarily mean that I can faster than anyone but simply that I seem like I belong. I have this insane notion that someone is going to look at me and think I don’t really belong at a gym. This is the sad little insecure girl talking for sure. Of course I belong at the gym. First, there is no one who doesn’t belong at a gym. Period. If you want to be there, you belong! Second, it goes back to a fucked up perception of myself and reality. It doesn’t matter what I look like or what the number on a scale may say I have issues. I do not see myself clearly; to this day. Somehow I still think that when someone looks at me they are going to see this fat girl who can’t run. I have gotten so much better at pushing the insecurities to the side but they live inside of me on some unavoidable level.
Case in point, I am running along at my solid 6-6.2 pace on the treadmill. Just running enjoying myself. About 5 minutes into my run the person next to me leaves the treadmill and about a minute later an attractive young fit girl walks up in a totally cute matching outfit and I am intimidated. Immediately my mind starts to wander to a place of, “Oh, she looks like a runner, I bet she goes hard and I feel insecure about what I’m doing.” Hello, Emily, really? I have to mentally bitch slap myself because so what if she does run faster, would that matter at all? Secondly, you are not comparing yourself, and thirdly, have you noticed that you are consistently running at a decent speed. It’s not like you aren’t working at it.
So she gets on the treadmill and I’m waiting for the big spurt. Instead she starts walking. I’m thinking it’s warm up time, okay. And she just walks, eventually she does start sprinting. Wait, she’s running. And I’m like, there it is. There’s the run my mind has feared. As discretely as possible I look over to check out her speed, trying not to make it look like I am looking you know. And she was going 5.8. Phew. This gets a Phew not because I think any less of her. She is great. But because I feel like if she looked over at me she wouldn’t think I was a slacker then. Insecurities much. Anyhow, she runs for a couple minutes and then walks again. She continues down this path of run 2 walk 5 or thereabouts a few times. Meanwhile here I am just running away at a 6 to 6.2 pace. I am not bragging; I am not judging. Just observing as I try and find my own self-confidence. As I try to believe in myself more I guess. This doesn’t even touch the person on the other side of me. She just walked the whole time at a 3.5 pace. I think that is great. I truly do. Walking is better than sitting on your couch watching TV. I completely feel that way. I just hold myself to these ridiculous standards that I would never in a million years reflect upon anyone else.
Meanwhile I really do notice that in the 40 minutes I am on the treadmill people have come and gone. A LOT of people have come and gone and maybe gave it a sprint for a few minutes but few people actually run. I’m not going to lie and sugar coat it because this is my blog, but the truth is, this made me feel proud of myself. It did not make me feel any less towards anyone else; we are all at different places in our own personal journey. I cannot judge anyone cause I have no idea what obstacles they have faced in their lives just as no one can really understand me without knowing my life long struggles with these issues. But nonetheless my stamina and ability to just run made me feel proud and maybe like I do belong up there on those treadmills. Like someone could not look at me and say I am slacking. As if those things matter at all but honestly in the mind of a completely messed up girl with body image issues it does matter.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t this way. But I guess that is like asking grass to not be green or the sky to be anything but blue. I can’t really turn off that part of my brain that is so insecure. A lifetime of weight issues will leave their emotional toll no matter what. It’s like to this day I still cannot see myself clearly. I see a girl walk up the stairs to the treadmill and she is tiny and thin and cute and I’m like… Ugh… I wish I looked like that. And I get mad at myself and my body and I have no business doing that. It’s just hard sometimes. I have come a long way and I am much stronger than I give myself credit for and I am probably not nearly as fat as I think I am in my head. That is the strangest part of weight loss.
I say perception is one of the hardest things to truly alter. I’m not new to this rodeo; I have spent approximately 1/3 of my life fighting with my weight so I’ve been all over the place with perception. I had times that I could not see myself as anything less than hideously fat and then after time I had a problem where I thought I was active and healthy and in reality I had gained weight back and refused to let myself see the problem either.
I have a hard time because the scale is hovering between that 140-144 pound mark pretty consistently for me and while I have declared to be happy with such things I’m afraid I’m not actually happy with it. Somehow I feel like being as short as I am I should be able to weigh 130 pounds. Why do I do that? Like 10 pounds will really make that big of a difference? You know what will make much more of a difference? Muscle! Some days it’s hard to not get wrapped up or discouraged about things. I fear that all the extra muscle and weight training is keeping my weight consistent or stalling it out and in some of my weaker moments I get pissed because I don’t think 143 pounds is a desirable weight. I wish I didn’t have to admit that, but I still struggle with the notion that at 5 foot 3 inches I “should” be more like 130 pounds. Should is such a relative word because who says that I should be that? Really? Who gets to decide that this is what I “should” weigh? Society?
Please know that these are just my ramblings of thoughts in my head and at the end of the day I am comfortable on the path I am on. I have to trust in the process. I know everything I am doing for my body is the most healthy decision and the best choices I quite honestly have probably EVER made for my body. Every time I’ve lost weight before has been thru the vein of must lose weight, must love weight and not care about anything else. Meaning that it wasn’t about quality. It wasn’t about making myself strong and healthy; it was about getting to some magical number. And yes, perhaps I have reached some of those magical 130 numbers in the past but what did my body really have to show for it? I am building muscle and getting “fit” now and I am happy with that. What if I never lose another pound? Shouldn’t I be grateful with the body I have already earned? And of course that whole muscle vs. fat debate looms in my head. Muscle takes up less space so I could get smaller but not lose weight. I have seen this in people. (Secretly I wonder if this is just an excuse I tell myself to justify the lack of focus I am having in trying to lose weight)
I guess some days I still think I am fat… I still want to be smaller and more toned. I have a hard time when I can plainly see tiny cute little girls at the gym and I know my giant thighs will never be that. I need to love myself more. I do try to work at it. I really do. I have to tell myself that anyone who wears size 4 jeans and small and extra small tops cannot be fat. That there is no way that even society could deem that girl fat. But I still have my moments.
This is the seedy underbelly of weight loss that people don’t want to talk about. It’s not like suddenly you lose weight and your issues are gone. It’s not as if suddenly you are perfect and all better. Once a nut job, always a nut job! I obviously say that jokingly but that is a really condescending thing to say about oneself which probably further proves my theory that I’ve got more mental work to do. Most days I am fine and it doesn’t bother me. In fact more days than not I love myself and the girl I see in the mirror so I guess that is improvement.
The funny thing is I am 100% convinced cause I’ve pretty much lived it that it doesn’t matter what weight I am from 125 all the way up to 225 pounds I will have the same personal insecurities on the inside. I will always find something that isn’t right. I will always want more. I think that is just human nature. We are fundamentally way too hard on ourselves. We are only human with flaws and all.
Somehow I wish someone would take photos of just my body and photos of other similarly sized women’s bodies and put them together (no heads and clothed of course!) so that I wouldn’t know it was me… so I could truly see what I look like. Or at least see what I looked like thru other people’s eyes. Cause if I had to pick pictures of similarly sized woman that I think I look like I am sure they probably would be larger than I actually am cause don’t we mostly all see ourselves “larger” than we are. Unless you are in that state of denial which I have totally lived in where I still thought I could wear a size 8/10 when I was actually a 16/18. Ha!
Regardless I am clearly in a pretty deep let’s think about all this kind of mood today. It does help me to write it out and ponder some of these issues; even if it ends up being a ridiculously long post that nobody reads. It’s helped me nonetheless. So there you have it, to sum up, I am pretty much still an insecure nut who uses sarcasm and self deprecation to mask her insecurities. Yeah, that just about says it all.
When all else fails, exercise I guess. So even though my body is uncomfortably sore today. Moving is something I have to actually tell my brain to do, I will go ahead and push on thru and exercise tonight cause that is just what I do. Plus Wednesday nights are some of my favorite classes with an awesome motivational inspiring trainer teaching them. So yes, I will push thru the pain and I will kick some ass cause that is also just part of what I do. Despite it all, I never feel as happy or alive as I do when I am exercising so that is what I am going to keep doing, working thru my issues via exercise.
I am completely exhausted today. I guess hard work at the gym will do that to someone. After having a most killer workout Monday night that resulted in a little soreness what does this genius girl do? Yup, of course I went to the gym last night. I honestly get to the gym about 5:15 PM, they usually have 5:30 classes that I want to take so it leaves me about 10 minutes to “warm up”. Last night I hoped on the stair climber and blasted thru 10 solid minutes burning my first 100 calories. Then I hit the class, butts and guts. I enjoy the classes a lot actually because certainly they make me do exercise that I otherwise would not do. However you notice that guts was included in that class title and my Monday night exercise was a lot of core work which is a lot of gut work. Somehow by the end of the 30 minutes my “gut” was feeling it. However, 30 minutes will never be enough workout for me so I really wanted to run last night. I only ran 2 miles yesterday and other than that my last good run was last Thursday. Legs wanted to run.
I headed up to the treadmill area and low and behold it was a busy night at the gym all of the I’m guessing 30 treadmills were in use. I waited a minute and one opened up right in the middle of a sea of exercisers. I am for the most part over my fear of public exercise so I guess this didn’t really bother me. I headed to it, hit a 6 speed on the treadmill, of course jacked my “workout mix” playlist on the iphone and went for it. Immediately I realized that my sore “core” was going to be of some issue while running but I pushed thru. Nice to know that running really does use your core so much. 20 minutes and I felt good but suddenly the treadmill came to a jarring stop. Yup, it’s preset to only go for 20 minutes. I have to actively tell it not to and I only remember to do that at the beginning of a run like 20% of the time. Oops. But after 20 minutes I was NOT done. I immediately restarted the thing and bumped the speed once again, this time challenging myself a little more at a higher speed. I wanted to run 3.1 miles but somewhere around 30 minutes after hitting my desired distance I just wanted to run a little more. I decided to push on for another 10 minutes to hit the whole 40 minute mark before the machine shut itself off again. I’m not going to lie given my overall exhaustion those last couple minutes were entirely about mind over matter. I had to will my strength to keep going. I told myself, just 5 minutes, you can do this, run. Then it was 3 ½ minutes, you can so do this Emily; keep going. Then it was 2 minutes and I’m like yes, you are almost done. Don’t quit now and of course 1 minute. You can do ANYTHING for 60 seconds.
When all was said and done I had knocked out 40 minutes about 4.2 miles of awesome make me feel strong, alive and high kind of running. Of course I am always slightly disappointed in myself that I couldn’t run another 20 minutes for a solid hour, of course I am sure I could have “made” myself but given I had already completed a class and other stuff and I did want to get home to my husband and dog I gave myself permission to be done at 40 minutes and a little over 4 miles. Basically I need to continually prove to myself that in doing all these other classes and exercises that I am still able to keep up with my running. I may not be running an hour 5 days a week right now but I need to mentally know that I “can” run an hour at a given moment’s notice if I want. For some reason that is important to me. I want to be strong and healthy but I don’t want to sacrifice my love and the clarity and freedom I get with running. I need to be able to still do it when I want.
I of course made some observations on the treadmill as well. Cause I had a solid 40 minutes to just get lost in thought which is part of what I love about running as well. This was the first time at the gym I had seen all the treadmills in use at once so it gave me prime opportunity to observe the behaviors of others. I am not making any judgments upon anyone else. Running and exercise in general is all an individual thing and you cannot compare yourself to anyone else. It’s a mental game against yourself only; however that doesn’t mean that crazy girls won’t try and find their place in all of this.
Like most overweight people or women probably in general who suffer from self-esteem issues I can only really embrace the whole public exercise running on a treadmill next to two strangers and of course with tons of people if I feel I am holding my own. I need to know that I am as good as anyone there. Again, I don’t necessarily mean that I can faster than anyone but simply that I seem like I belong. I have this insane notion that someone is going to look at me and think I don’t really belong at a gym. This is the sad little insecure girl talking for sure. Of course I belong at the gym. First, there is no one who doesn’t belong at a gym. Period. If you want to be there, you belong! Second, it goes back to a fucked up perception of myself and reality. It doesn’t matter what I look like or what the number on a scale may say I have issues. I do not see myself clearly; to this day. Somehow I still think that when someone looks at me they are going to see this fat girl who can’t run. I have gotten so much better at pushing the insecurities to the side but they live inside of me on some unavoidable level.
Case in point, I am running along at my solid 6-6.2 pace on the treadmill. Just running enjoying myself. About 5 minutes into my run the person next to me leaves the treadmill and about a minute later an attractive young fit girl walks up in a totally cute matching outfit and I am intimidated. Immediately my mind starts to wander to a place of, “Oh, she looks like a runner, I bet she goes hard and I feel insecure about what I’m doing.” Hello, Emily, really? I have to mentally bitch slap myself because so what if she does run faster, would that matter at all? Secondly, you are not comparing yourself, and thirdly, have you noticed that you are consistently running at a decent speed. It’s not like you aren’t working at it.
So she gets on the treadmill and I’m waiting for the big spurt. Instead she starts walking. I’m thinking it’s warm up time, okay. And she just walks, eventually she does start sprinting. Wait, she’s running. And I’m like, there it is. There’s the run my mind has feared. As discretely as possible I look over to check out her speed, trying not to make it look like I am looking you know. And she was going 5.8. Phew. This gets a Phew not because I think any less of her. She is great. But because I feel like if she looked over at me she wouldn’t think I was a slacker then. Insecurities much. Anyhow, she runs for a couple minutes and then walks again. She continues down this path of run 2 walk 5 or thereabouts a few times. Meanwhile here I am just running away at a 6 to 6.2 pace. I am not bragging; I am not judging. Just observing as I try and find my own self-confidence. As I try to believe in myself more I guess. This doesn’t even touch the person on the other side of me. She just walked the whole time at a 3.5 pace. I think that is great. I truly do. Walking is better than sitting on your couch watching TV. I completely feel that way. I just hold myself to these ridiculous standards that I would never in a million years reflect upon anyone else.
Meanwhile I really do notice that in the 40 minutes I am on the treadmill people have come and gone. A LOT of people have come and gone and maybe gave it a sprint for a few minutes but few people actually run. I’m not going to lie and sugar coat it because this is my blog, but the truth is, this made me feel proud of myself. It did not make me feel any less towards anyone else; we are all at different places in our own personal journey. I cannot judge anyone cause I have no idea what obstacles they have faced in their lives just as no one can really understand me without knowing my life long struggles with these issues. But nonetheless my stamina and ability to just run made me feel proud and maybe like I do belong up there on those treadmills. Like someone could not look at me and say I am slacking. As if those things matter at all but honestly in the mind of a completely messed up girl with body image issues it does matter.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t this way. But I guess that is like asking grass to not be green or the sky to be anything but blue. I can’t really turn off that part of my brain that is so insecure. A lifetime of weight issues will leave their emotional toll no matter what. It’s like to this day I still cannot see myself clearly. I see a girl walk up the stairs to the treadmill and she is tiny and thin and cute and I’m like… Ugh… I wish I looked like that. And I get mad at myself and my body and I have no business doing that. It’s just hard sometimes. I have come a long way and I am much stronger than I give myself credit for and I am probably not nearly as fat as I think I am in my head. That is the strangest part of weight loss.
I say perception is one of the hardest things to truly alter. I’m not new to this rodeo; I have spent approximately 1/3 of my life fighting with my weight so I’ve been all over the place with perception. I had times that I could not see myself as anything less than hideously fat and then after time I had a problem where I thought I was active and healthy and in reality I had gained weight back and refused to let myself see the problem either.
I have a hard time because the scale is hovering between that 140-144 pound mark pretty consistently for me and while I have declared to be happy with such things I’m afraid I’m not actually happy with it. Somehow I feel like being as short as I am I should be able to weigh 130 pounds. Why do I do that? Like 10 pounds will really make that big of a difference? You know what will make much more of a difference? Muscle! Some days it’s hard to not get wrapped up or discouraged about things. I fear that all the extra muscle and weight training is keeping my weight consistent or stalling it out and in some of my weaker moments I get pissed because I don’t think 143 pounds is a desirable weight. I wish I didn’t have to admit that, but I still struggle with the notion that at 5 foot 3 inches I “should” be more like 130 pounds. Should is such a relative word because who says that I should be that? Really? Who gets to decide that this is what I “should” weigh? Society?
Please know that these are just my ramblings of thoughts in my head and at the end of the day I am comfortable on the path I am on. I have to trust in the process. I know everything I am doing for my body is the most healthy decision and the best choices I quite honestly have probably EVER made for my body. Every time I’ve lost weight before has been thru the vein of must lose weight, must love weight and not care about anything else. Meaning that it wasn’t about quality. It wasn’t about making myself strong and healthy; it was about getting to some magical number. And yes, perhaps I have reached some of those magical 130 numbers in the past but what did my body really have to show for it? I am building muscle and getting “fit” now and I am happy with that. What if I never lose another pound? Shouldn’t I be grateful with the body I have already earned? And of course that whole muscle vs. fat debate looms in my head. Muscle takes up less space so I could get smaller but not lose weight. I have seen this in people. (Secretly I wonder if this is just an excuse I tell myself to justify the lack of focus I am having in trying to lose weight)
I guess some days I still think I am fat… I still want to be smaller and more toned. I have a hard time when I can plainly see tiny cute little girls at the gym and I know my giant thighs will never be that. I need to love myself more. I do try to work at it. I really do. I have to tell myself that anyone who wears size 4 jeans and small and extra small tops cannot be fat. That there is no way that even society could deem that girl fat. But I still have my moments.
This is the seedy underbelly of weight loss that people don’t want to talk about. It’s not like suddenly you lose weight and your issues are gone. It’s not as if suddenly you are perfect and all better. Once a nut job, always a nut job! I obviously say that jokingly but that is a really condescending thing to say about oneself which probably further proves my theory that I’ve got more mental work to do. Most days I am fine and it doesn’t bother me. In fact more days than not I love myself and the girl I see in the mirror so I guess that is improvement.
The funny thing is I am 100% convinced cause I’ve pretty much lived it that it doesn’t matter what weight I am from 125 all the way up to 225 pounds I will have the same personal insecurities on the inside. I will always find something that isn’t right. I will always want more. I think that is just human nature. We are fundamentally way too hard on ourselves. We are only human with flaws and all.
Somehow I wish someone would take photos of just my body and photos of other similarly sized women’s bodies and put them together (no heads and clothed of course!) so that I wouldn’t know it was me… so I could truly see what I look like. Or at least see what I looked like thru other people’s eyes. Cause if I had to pick pictures of similarly sized woman that I think I look like I am sure they probably would be larger than I actually am cause don’t we mostly all see ourselves “larger” than we are. Unless you are in that state of denial which I have totally lived in where I still thought I could wear a size 8/10 when I was actually a 16/18. Ha!
Regardless I am clearly in a pretty deep let’s think about all this kind of mood today. It does help me to write it out and ponder some of these issues; even if it ends up being a ridiculously long post that nobody reads. It’s helped me nonetheless. So there you have it, to sum up, I am pretty much still an insecure nut who uses sarcasm and self deprecation to mask her insecurities. Yeah, that just about says it all.
When all else fails, exercise I guess. So even though my body is uncomfortably sore today. Moving is something I have to actually tell my brain to do, I will go ahead and push on thru and exercise tonight cause that is just what I do. Plus Wednesday nights are some of my favorite classes with an awesome motivational inspiring trainer teaching them. So yes, I will push thru the pain and I will kick some ass cause that is also just part of what I do. Despite it all, I never feel as happy or alive as I do when I am exercising so that is what I am going to keep doing, working thru my issues via exercise.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Comfort Zone
Okay so can I just say I was worried about nothing, which is per typical. I spent so much time worrying, stressing and generally uneasy about my personal training. Why??? Who the fuck knows. Except that in this world if I have to think about it and take time to process odds are I’m going to rationalize the fuck out of the situation until I’ve beaten it to death in my brain and ultimately this leads to that uneasy feeling. Case in point, is my personal training sessions that finally officially happened last night. All that lead up and honestly it was so good. I am not going to say it was easy; because it was not easy and that is the whole damned point! I am too easy on myself, well, we all are, and we won’t make ourselves do things that are that damned hard or uncomfortable which is why we actually pay a lot of good money to have someone else make us work. Fucked up concept I know.
Wow, I am swearing a lot this morning, not sure what that is about. Anyhow. My training session was amazing. Thank goodness. Since I have fully committed myself for a year to lots of sessions it’s a good thing I actually loved it. I had really hoped I would because I would have been so frustrated if it was not everything I had hoped for. It was!
I started by “warming up” on the treadmill. I am not really supposed to run but I knew I wanted to elevate my heart rate before my session and she told me to always come warmed up. I only had about 20 minute’s tops, a little less. I get off work at 5 and my session was at 5:30, so I left work a few minutes early and hauled ass to the gym. I got on the treadmill and RAN.. yeah! I did a little over 2 miles in 18 minutes. Felt great. I was sufficiently ready to have my ass handed to me.
I walked over to her and she was like, you ready? She asked if I wanted to spend more time on the machines learning them or get right into some work and I was like, let’s just jump in and get it going. So she took me over to the bosu ball where we worked on core stuff. Basically lunges and planks and then weights. It was amazing actually. Certainly things I would not do on my own. Here are some interesting things. She was watching my heart rate monitor as I worked out. She said she found it fascinating because I am so conditioned for cardio that it was actually really interesting for her to watch my heart rate monitor go when I did other stuff. That she noticed when I was deep in challenging exercises that my heart rate could/would spike at like 170 but I’d pop up from the exercise and almost instantly my heart rate would drop back to a nice rate. That my recovery time was AMAZING; which was the cardio conditioning. She said she was super impressed. Sure, I didn’t know proper form but I picked it up pretty instantly and I went for it.
She said that she has lots of clients that don’t really want to work or don’t know how to work hard. That they don’t really know how to push themselves. She said based on my back story she knew I would not be one of those people that I am a person who sets my mind to something and I just do it. That she is so excited because I will just do it. And of course my favorite comment of the night, said after we finished our workout… “You are going to be challenge for me.” LOVE IT!!!! Not sure exactly what that means because I felt like I was dying during it; seriously but I did get my high. I felt amazing. Worth every penny.
Immediately following my class I jumped into a ½ hour cardio class with another trainer. And then immediately following that was cardio core class. By the end I was completely spent and could not possibly make my arms hold my weight any longer. When all was said and done in about 2 hours I burned 1,000 calories, but more importantly I did lots of other unusual stuff for my body that I am sure is going to benefit me in the end.
Bottom line is this; I am a crazy girl and my trainer knows it and appreciates that and I think it’s a good match actually. I felt completely at ease with her and yes I did want to please her as is my nature but sometimes that is a good thing. I want to be strong and fierce and work my ass off and make her proud. I know it’s just my personality that makes me want to behave that way but honestly it was SOOOO good. I could see how a few months of this kind of work would produce some results in my body unlike any I’ve seen previously. In all of my past almost 10 years of ups and downs I have never gone to this level. I have always ran and ran and ran and then quit. I have not found new challenges or highs aside from running which ultimately has always produced an end game for me. I love running so much and will never quit doing that but I know it has a life-span for me. It has a boredom factor that eventually sets in. Perhaps only running a couple times a week with all this other fun stuff mixed in will keep it ALL fresh and new. It will make me crave the running more which I have noticed and keep it new and exciting for me.
I am not as sore this morning as I thought I might be. We will see though. Tonight I plan to go to the gym and there is a 5:30 butts and guts class and then I’m on my own. Probably will run at least ½ an hour and then maybe some more strength training. I am loving the development of muscles in my arms. Granted they are not there yet at all but I feel a little something that was never there before and that is exciting. This is the challenge that I needed to keep me interested in all this.
I am fairly comfortable with my level of food intake in relation to exercise. I am honestly not super focused on what I eat, counting points etc, because I am so focused on getting stronger. Which I guess is good. I’m not sure I can really get the scale to move too much more these days so it really is just about maintaining the weight and not gaining. Of course as I continue to build muscle there is always the possibility that I will actually gain muscle weight. I don’t know. As long as my clothes keep fitting that is all that really matters.
I am not getting enough protein at all though and honestly have resorted to things like the protein powder and of course protein bars which I would normally shy away from because they are 5 points each but I guess I have a different purpose which is strength and health and with 20 grams of protein I think my body needs it. Funny how one day can wipe away the memories of a bad weekend. One extremely killer good workout and I feel great. Which is why I love exercise so much I guess.
I think this whole post goes to prove the reality that you really should push yourself beyond your comfort zone, past your own limits. I was SCARED, really scared to ever go down this path and I think it is actually exactly what I needed. Sometimes the things that scare you are the only things really worth doing. Even if you end up not loving it you will feel accomplished for having faced the fear.
Wow, I am swearing a lot this morning, not sure what that is about. Anyhow. My training session was amazing. Thank goodness. Since I have fully committed myself for a year to lots of sessions it’s a good thing I actually loved it. I had really hoped I would because I would have been so frustrated if it was not everything I had hoped for. It was!
I started by “warming up” on the treadmill. I am not really supposed to run but I knew I wanted to elevate my heart rate before my session and she told me to always come warmed up. I only had about 20 minute’s tops, a little less. I get off work at 5 and my session was at 5:30, so I left work a few minutes early and hauled ass to the gym. I got on the treadmill and RAN.. yeah! I did a little over 2 miles in 18 minutes. Felt great. I was sufficiently ready to have my ass handed to me.
I walked over to her and she was like, you ready? She asked if I wanted to spend more time on the machines learning them or get right into some work and I was like, let’s just jump in and get it going. So she took me over to the bosu ball where we worked on core stuff. Basically lunges and planks and then weights. It was amazing actually. Certainly things I would not do on my own. Here are some interesting things. She was watching my heart rate monitor as I worked out. She said she found it fascinating because I am so conditioned for cardio that it was actually really interesting for her to watch my heart rate monitor go when I did other stuff. That she noticed when I was deep in challenging exercises that my heart rate could/would spike at like 170 but I’d pop up from the exercise and almost instantly my heart rate would drop back to a nice rate. That my recovery time was AMAZING; which was the cardio conditioning. She said she was super impressed. Sure, I didn’t know proper form but I picked it up pretty instantly and I went for it.
She said that she has lots of clients that don’t really want to work or don’t know how to work hard. That they don’t really know how to push themselves. She said based on my back story she knew I would not be one of those people that I am a person who sets my mind to something and I just do it. That she is so excited because I will just do it. And of course my favorite comment of the night, said after we finished our workout… “You are going to be challenge for me.” LOVE IT!!!! Not sure exactly what that means because I felt like I was dying during it; seriously but I did get my high. I felt amazing. Worth every penny.
Immediately following my class I jumped into a ½ hour cardio class with another trainer. And then immediately following that was cardio core class. By the end I was completely spent and could not possibly make my arms hold my weight any longer. When all was said and done in about 2 hours I burned 1,000 calories, but more importantly I did lots of other unusual stuff for my body that I am sure is going to benefit me in the end.
Bottom line is this; I am a crazy girl and my trainer knows it and appreciates that and I think it’s a good match actually. I felt completely at ease with her and yes I did want to please her as is my nature but sometimes that is a good thing. I want to be strong and fierce and work my ass off and make her proud. I know it’s just my personality that makes me want to behave that way but honestly it was SOOOO good. I could see how a few months of this kind of work would produce some results in my body unlike any I’ve seen previously. In all of my past almost 10 years of ups and downs I have never gone to this level. I have always ran and ran and ran and then quit. I have not found new challenges or highs aside from running which ultimately has always produced an end game for me. I love running so much and will never quit doing that but I know it has a life-span for me. It has a boredom factor that eventually sets in. Perhaps only running a couple times a week with all this other fun stuff mixed in will keep it ALL fresh and new. It will make me crave the running more which I have noticed and keep it new and exciting for me.
I am not as sore this morning as I thought I might be. We will see though. Tonight I plan to go to the gym and there is a 5:30 butts and guts class and then I’m on my own. Probably will run at least ½ an hour and then maybe some more strength training. I am loving the development of muscles in my arms. Granted they are not there yet at all but I feel a little something that was never there before and that is exciting. This is the challenge that I needed to keep me interested in all this.
I am fairly comfortable with my level of food intake in relation to exercise. I am honestly not super focused on what I eat, counting points etc, because I am so focused on getting stronger. Which I guess is good. I’m not sure I can really get the scale to move too much more these days so it really is just about maintaining the weight and not gaining. Of course as I continue to build muscle there is always the possibility that I will actually gain muscle weight. I don’t know. As long as my clothes keep fitting that is all that really matters.
I am not getting enough protein at all though and honestly have resorted to things like the protein powder and of course protein bars which I would normally shy away from because they are 5 points each but I guess I have a different purpose which is strength and health and with 20 grams of protein I think my body needs it. Funny how one day can wipe away the memories of a bad weekend. One extremely killer good workout and I feel great. Which is why I love exercise so much I guess.
I think this whole post goes to prove the reality that you really should push yourself beyond your comfort zone, past your own limits. I was SCARED, really scared to ever go down this path and I think it is actually exactly what I needed. Sometimes the things that scare you are the only things really worth doing. Even if you end up not loving it you will feel accomplished for having faced the fear.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Monday Blah
This weekend did not go as I had planned. I mean in terms of my food/health life that is. I guess some weekends are just like that aren’t they? I did have a good time with my family. Since I was in Maui the beginning of the month and then last weekend they were gone I have gone a longer than normal amount of time without hanging out with them. It was nice to see everyone but also reminded me of the challenges that I face when seeing everyone. It is no one else’s fault but my own. No one forces me to eat bad at all. I just somehow do. Like social events are invitations to eat freely and poorly. I really don’t want to dwell on the bad because hello, let’s stay positive on an otherwise naturally shitty Monday morning. I say naturally shitty because starting a week off always sucks. I do love the endless possibility and hope and fresh start of a Monday but the actual Monday morning getting back into the routine of it all kind of sucks.
Anyway, I had a great time Saturday night hanging out with my sister, brother in law, my other sister, my cousin and her husband and then one of my sister’s good friends. After work Chris showed up and we ended up going to a movie. We saw Now You See Me. It was actually shockingly a good movie. But of course it was one of those order food right at your table theaters and I got French fries with honey mustard (my complete and utter downfall!) and Sangria. Somehow social events just equal food for me. Afterwards we came home and played games. I had an awesome time! I guess I kind of needed that. A break from my constant health obsessed lifestyle. Nice to know that I can turn it off if needed. It’s still possible to live and breathe other things!
I won’t talk about the most amazing recces’ Peanut Butter cup cheesecake my cousin made. It’s kind of cruel and unusual torture for all involved, me writing it and you reading it to discuss how ridiculously amazing it was. I can guess that the calorie count on a slice was like 3000. Whatever. At least Saturday morning I did go to the gym and do cardio kickboxing and then some weight work on my own.
Yesterday I was so tired and lazy all day long. Seriously couldn’t get myself to do anything. I had every intention of exercising, I even put on workout clothes for the day but it just never happened. I did spend about 2 hours cleaning my house which it really was in desperate need of so I suppose that is a good thing. It's funny how we can sometimes justify things in our minds. I kept thinking that I don’t want to work out too hard because I don’t want to be sore because tonight I have my first official one on one session at the gym with my trainer and I didn’t want to go not feeing my best. Ultimately this was just an excuse because I am certain that if I had made myself run I would not have been sore. I was just too tired and took the day off and instead ate. I’d say this isn’t true but it kind of is. Oh well, not every single weekend can be perfect.
For all those reasons I am kind of glad it is Monday morning and I get back to my normal routine of health and wellness and exercise. I want to go to the gym tonight for sure. 5:30 is the training session which I am sure is going to kill me. And then at 6:30 depending on how I’m feeling I might do a ½ hour class. We will see. Of course today I have a major jonzing to run. I suppose that’s because I didn’t or couldn’t or wouldn’t make myself do it yesterday. I really do feel the need for my legs to let wild. I don’t know. I feel like a killer workout is in order. I need the sweat.
Back to good clean healthy eating today. At least Monday does allow for a fresh start with that! I am very much interested in a good clean healthy eating day coupled with a nice killer workout tonight. I am sure that is what my body needs most right now. I was feeling so yucky yesterday and I guarantee it was from lack of exercise mixed with two days of piss poor eating. Today is going to be better. I had a Greek yogurt for breakfast and I am mixing it up today by adding a scoop of protein powder to my water. I can plainly see that I have been lacking major protein in my diet and perhaps that will help make me feel fuller when I might otherwise not feel it.
I have some errands to run today, I have to hit the store for some groceries. I am almost out of bananas and yogurt, two of my main diet staples. All right, I just added some Dasani flavor drops in mixed berry to my protein water and that’s not bad; much better really. Protein powder usually tastes a little “off” to me, but this makes it completely bearable and since I totally need the protein I am excited.
Anyhow, right now I am generally just not feeling it, but I suspect that is complete and utter exhaustion so I need to get myself focused and back on track and back to doing the things I love. I am sure I will “feel it” as I say later today, after I wake up some! That’s the plan anyway.
Anyway, I had a great time Saturday night hanging out with my sister, brother in law, my other sister, my cousin and her husband and then one of my sister’s good friends. After work Chris showed up and we ended up going to a movie. We saw Now You See Me. It was actually shockingly a good movie. But of course it was one of those order food right at your table theaters and I got French fries with honey mustard (my complete and utter downfall!) and Sangria. Somehow social events just equal food for me. Afterwards we came home and played games. I had an awesome time! I guess I kind of needed that. A break from my constant health obsessed lifestyle. Nice to know that I can turn it off if needed. It’s still possible to live and breathe other things!
I won’t talk about the most amazing recces’ Peanut Butter cup cheesecake my cousin made. It’s kind of cruel and unusual torture for all involved, me writing it and you reading it to discuss how ridiculously amazing it was. I can guess that the calorie count on a slice was like 3000. Whatever. At least Saturday morning I did go to the gym and do cardio kickboxing and then some weight work on my own.
Yesterday I was so tired and lazy all day long. Seriously couldn’t get myself to do anything. I had every intention of exercising, I even put on workout clothes for the day but it just never happened. I did spend about 2 hours cleaning my house which it really was in desperate need of so I suppose that is a good thing. It's funny how we can sometimes justify things in our minds. I kept thinking that I don’t want to work out too hard because I don’t want to be sore because tonight I have my first official one on one session at the gym with my trainer and I didn’t want to go not feeing my best. Ultimately this was just an excuse because I am certain that if I had made myself run I would not have been sore. I was just too tired and took the day off and instead ate. I’d say this isn’t true but it kind of is. Oh well, not every single weekend can be perfect.
For all those reasons I am kind of glad it is Monday morning and I get back to my normal routine of health and wellness and exercise. I want to go to the gym tonight for sure. 5:30 is the training session which I am sure is going to kill me. And then at 6:30 depending on how I’m feeling I might do a ½ hour class. We will see. Of course today I have a major jonzing to run. I suppose that’s because I didn’t or couldn’t or wouldn’t make myself do it yesterday. I really do feel the need for my legs to let wild. I don’t know. I feel like a killer workout is in order. I need the sweat.
Back to good clean healthy eating today. At least Monday does allow for a fresh start with that! I am very much interested in a good clean healthy eating day coupled with a nice killer workout tonight. I am sure that is what my body needs most right now. I was feeling so yucky yesterday and I guarantee it was from lack of exercise mixed with two days of piss poor eating. Today is going to be better. I had a Greek yogurt for breakfast and I am mixing it up today by adding a scoop of protein powder to my water. I can plainly see that I have been lacking major protein in my diet and perhaps that will help make me feel fuller when I might otherwise not feel it.
I have some errands to run today, I have to hit the store for some groceries. I am almost out of bananas and yogurt, two of my main diet staples. All right, I just added some Dasani flavor drops in mixed berry to my protein water and that’s not bad; much better really. Protein powder usually tastes a little “off” to me, but this makes it completely bearable and since I totally need the protein I am excited.
Anyhow, right now I am generally just not feeling it, but I suspect that is complete and utter exhaustion so I need to get myself focused and back on track and back to doing the things I love. I am sure I will “feel it” as I say later today, after I wake up some! That’s the plan anyway.
Friday, June 21, 2013
A Friday fit for the birds
So it is Friday morning, hell yes. I will take it. Yesterday I spent pretty much my entire day in the car driving for work so it didn’t leave much room for other stuff like surfing the internet and posting. I guess it doesn’t happen that much so one day of it I can live with. But today is Friday! Did I mention it was Friday! Okay, so I woke up not in a great mood actually. I was running so late and so disgustingly tired. One should not be allowed to go to bed at 1 AM and then complain about being tired in the morning. Regardless, I was so slow moving this AM it wasn’t even funny. When I glanced down at my phone and noticed it was 8:32 and I was still prepping for the day at home and I am supposed to be at work at 8:30 I realized it was going to be a long day.
Fortunately when I finally arrived at work a full 30 plus minutes later no one was here so I will take it. To be honest most days I am walking into a completely empty office so I suspect in the back of my mind on days where I am dragging ass that much I don’t get too bent out of shape over it. On occasion someone is here when I show up and I go oh well, but mostly I am alone so 30 minutes isn’t as big of a deal as it probably should be. 5 minutes not a big deal, 30 is definitely pushing it! But much like the tree in the forest that doesn’t make a sound when it falls if no one is around to hear it; it’s like it didn’t happen because I was alone.
Anyway, back to the reality that I was having “issues” or complications this morning other than just being hella tired and running late. Those issue stem from the reality that I came home and ran again last night which was a great run. My body just felt like running. It was practically begging me to run. I know that sounds strange but I haven’t been running as much lately as per the trainers orders but my body just felt like my legs wanted to move fast. In fact the last time I ran an hour straight was last Wednesday. Yes; I ran this last weekend and did run one night this week for half an hour; but I still wanted to do a nice cathartic head clearing hour run. That happened last night. 6.5 miles in 65 minutes. I killed it. That is a good run for me. Anyhow, back to my story. That is 6 days in a row of exercise. I went to the gym 5 days in a row and then ran last night. 6 workouts/6 nights. My body is tired. And quite honestly a little sore from Wednesday nights gym time. I did 2 30 minute weight classes and then an hour zumba class. I think it was the weights that finally affected my body.
Anyhow, last night I was sore and my body is definitely looking forward to my much needed and mandated rest this evening. There will NOT be any exercise tonight; plus its Friday night and that’s perfectly okay to chill. And I will. But back to this morning, I woke up kind of sore and obviously the aforementioned tired so yeah. Oh, and grumpy. Did I mention that I was having a sort of “fat” day. I hate those. Despite killing it at the gym, or perhaps BECAUSE of killing it with exercise this last week I suddenly found myself feeling yucky. In all fairness last night was a major salt fest on the dinner front. I like salt, what can I say? But when you are tearing and breaking down your muscles and they are already retaining extra water and then you go ahead and add a bunch of salt to the mix, I think my body is hanging on for dear life. This is what I read anyway. I have no personal scientific proof that my body is retaining extra water or actually tearing down my muscles to rebuild them. That is just what the internet and magazine world have told me. With the exception of being massively sore I have no proof that anything is actually occurring in my body at all. However, I will take the sore as a sign that I have taxed my body and therefore it pretty much stands to reason that some of that process is probably occurring.
Back to having a fat day. Consequently from all of this I woke up feeling fat. I had a mental lapse in judgment. Somehow for some reason that completely escapes me, when I am feeling fat already and down on myself and generally in a funk I find it fun and apparently completely the right decision to torture myself. I did something I should not have done which was get on the scale. Why on God’s green earth would I do that to myself? Why would I not wait until a day I felt good and where my body was aching and retaining water after I spent the night consuming MASSIVE amounts of salt. Oops. Not a good idea at all. Let me say the number wasn’t God awful but it was more than I’d like to see. I know in my heart that coming off of 6 days in a row of muscle building exercise is going to leave me retaining and hanging onto things. It doesn’t change how I feel about myself as a whole and God knows that I don’t look any different today than yesterday when I was a happy camper. Whatever.
The thing is, I am not in a funk at this moment anymore and therefore I can forgive the scale and myself and rationalize what really happened on the scale. I can rationalize that I have worked out for 6 days in a row and there is just no way that is not good for my body. Okay, maybe 6 days in a row isn’t all that good, but I mean exercise as a whole is good for you. It’s just funny how the mind works sometimes. That when you are already down my first inclination is to beat myself up further by weighing myself? I don’t have that urge when I am doing good. I don’t get it.
Moving on, I left for work in a mild panic because so many things were “off” and was not in a great mood. Having the number flash in my head didn’t help and walked thru the door looked in the mirror and was not a happy girl. And then my friend who I super doper love even though I don’t even really “know” online posted a picture of her shoes. Brianna; I adore you! Anyway, they were the cutest little shoes and suddenly I was smiling. And then she told me where they were and what brand and low and behold I found them online and the next thing I knew I was ordering them in my size and suddenly I was smiling! I mean, who the fuck doesn’t want a pair of bird wedge shoes??? See them here:
http://www.dsw.com/shoe/report+shala+wedge+sandal?prodId=dsw12prod4450110&productRef=SEARCH
I had to just post the link because for some reason when websites have the zoom feature on their pictures I can’t seem to figure out how to copy and paste the photo. So if you are interested in seeing the adorable bird shoes, go to the link.
Somehow just seeing and buying these shoes made me smile today. Totally crazy I know. And then somehow during the process of all this I felt happier and it put things into perspective. Come on Em, get a grip! You are not fat. You are not 2 pounds heavier today magically. You have worked out really hard all week long and you’re just exhausted physically and apparently mentally. And wait, cute bird shoes! Yup, that was my exact train of thought. So now I feel better.
I realized it is Friday morning and I feel much better. I have cute bird shoes ordered. I just have to get thru today at work and then I have a weekend. My sister and brother in law are coming this weekend, there will be a party celebrating his college graduation at my mom’s house tomorrow. Backstory, this is my brother in law that married my sister a year ago or so. He is a great guy and is just now getting his college degree in math because he spent a few years in the military and served in Iraq for a year. Good guy. Anyhow, he is going to go to graduate school in the fall to get his masters in math.
Anyhow, there will be a party and I will get to see my extended family which quite honestly are some of my favorite people so it’s all good. Plus my sister and BIL are brining my niece Kayden with them. She gets to come to Grandma’s house and hang out with all of us without her parents. I am excited to see my Kaydie-bug. That is what we call her. There is no way to not be happy about that.
This is my plan. Tonight is clearly rest to recuperate and reset my tired body, mind and spirit. Tomorrow morning I wake up after a good night’s sleep hopefully refreshed and rejuvenated and hit the gym at 9 AM for Cardio Kickboxing. Hopefully there are enough people this week to actually have the class! I might do some weights after kickboxing and then come home and shower up and go and enjoy my Saturday afternoon with my family. There will be lots of unhealthy food options and I am planning on eating what I want. It’s okay. Including the deliciously amazing homemade cheesecake that my cousin is making. He is like this ridiculously great cook and I’m going to eat cheesecake. Whatever. No bad here. I work hard, I can eat a little cheesecake when the occasion calls for it.
I get to spend some time with my Kaydie-bug. I am hoping to do something fun and girly with her. Maybe we should do some make-overs. She is a wonderful little 8 year old girl who is VERY girly. Sunday I will probably try to go to the gym at some point, probably in the afternoon. I am not sure. Monday is my first one on one personal training so I certainly don’t want to show up sore. We will just see how it all goes.
But its Friday today and for a moment this morning there was sun. I am hoping the sun returns this afternoon and I can smile even more. My husband is home for the day and is going fishing again. He went fishing yesterday and caught a steelhead fish (basically a salmon). We had fresh cooked salmon last night for dinner with all the fixings. i.e., baked potato with SALT, and bread with garlic SALT, corn on the cob with SALT. Anyhow. The fish was amazing. But the point is, he will be home later and if the weather is nice maybe we can go for a walk with my Molly dog. Who knows.
Can you tell I am in a much better mood, who knew bird shoes could have such an impact. And yes Miss Brianna it would be FUN to shop with you. I swear as a general rule I actually feel so much closer and connected at times to strangers online than I do people I actually know in real life. I guess you guys all get to see this part of me which is a more real honest version of myself than I allow a lot of “real” people to see. Therefore the friendships I develop are based on a more honest version of myself and therefore realer. I feel like people know me better based on this world. Funny how that works sometimes. Right, Julie??? I consider some of the people I have connected with online my real friends, ones I wouldn’t hesitate to invite into my home and share my life with; if only we lived closer that is. Except you T, Seattle isn’t that far in reality. Totally drive-able! And I swear someday I will meet some of you.. .(cough, cough… Paige, are you reading this?)
Anyway it is almost 11 which means the day is sufficiently flying by just as I like it and I am seeing the sun peak back out from behind the clouds again and that makes me actually WANT to run work errands for a change.
Smile everyone because it’s Friday and there is just no good reason not to be happy!
Fortunately when I finally arrived at work a full 30 plus minutes later no one was here so I will take it. To be honest most days I am walking into a completely empty office so I suspect in the back of my mind on days where I am dragging ass that much I don’t get too bent out of shape over it. On occasion someone is here when I show up and I go oh well, but mostly I am alone so 30 minutes isn’t as big of a deal as it probably should be. 5 minutes not a big deal, 30 is definitely pushing it! But much like the tree in the forest that doesn’t make a sound when it falls if no one is around to hear it; it’s like it didn’t happen because I was alone.
Anyway, back to the reality that I was having “issues” or complications this morning other than just being hella tired and running late. Those issue stem from the reality that I came home and ran again last night which was a great run. My body just felt like running. It was practically begging me to run. I know that sounds strange but I haven’t been running as much lately as per the trainers orders but my body just felt like my legs wanted to move fast. In fact the last time I ran an hour straight was last Wednesday. Yes; I ran this last weekend and did run one night this week for half an hour; but I still wanted to do a nice cathartic head clearing hour run. That happened last night. 6.5 miles in 65 minutes. I killed it. That is a good run for me. Anyhow, back to my story. That is 6 days in a row of exercise. I went to the gym 5 days in a row and then ran last night. 6 workouts/6 nights. My body is tired. And quite honestly a little sore from Wednesday nights gym time. I did 2 30 minute weight classes and then an hour zumba class. I think it was the weights that finally affected my body.
Anyhow, last night I was sore and my body is definitely looking forward to my much needed and mandated rest this evening. There will NOT be any exercise tonight; plus its Friday night and that’s perfectly okay to chill. And I will. But back to this morning, I woke up kind of sore and obviously the aforementioned tired so yeah. Oh, and grumpy. Did I mention that I was having a sort of “fat” day. I hate those. Despite killing it at the gym, or perhaps BECAUSE of killing it with exercise this last week I suddenly found myself feeling yucky. In all fairness last night was a major salt fest on the dinner front. I like salt, what can I say? But when you are tearing and breaking down your muscles and they are already retaining extra water and then you go ahead and add a bunch of salt to the mix, I think my body is hanging on for dear life. This is what I read anyway. I have no personal scientific proof that my body is retaining extra water or actually tearing down my muscles to rebuild them. That is just what the internet and magazine world have told me. With the exception of being massively sore I have no proof that anything is actually occurring in my body at all. However, I will take the sore as a sign that I have taxed my body and therefore it pretty much stands to reason that some of that process is probably occurring.
Back to having a fat day. Consequently from all of this I woke up feeling fat. I had a mental lapse in judgment. Somehow for some reason that completely escapes me, when I am feeling fat already and down on myself and generally in a funk I find it fun and apparently completely the right decision to torture myself. I did something I should not have done which was get on the scale. Why on God’s green earth would I do that to myself? Why would I not wait until a day I felt good and where my body was aching and retaining water after I spent the night consuming MASSIVE amounts of salt. Oops. Not a good idea at all. Let me say the number wasn’t God awful but it was more than I’d like to see. I know in my heart that coming off of 6 days in a row of muscle building exercise is going to leave me retaining and hanging onto things. It doesn’t change how I feel about myself as a whole and God knows that I don’t look any different today than yesterday when I was a happy camper. Whatever.
The thing is, I am not in a funk at this moment anymore and therefore I can forgive the scale and myself and rationalize what really happened on the scale. I can rationalize that I have worked out for 6 days in a row and there is just no way that is not good for my body. Okay, maybe 6 days in a row isn’t all that good, but I mean exercise as a whole is good for you. It’s just funny how the mind works sometimes. That when you are already down my first inclination is to beat myself up further by weighing myself? I don’t have that urge when I am doing good. I don’t get it.
Moving on, I left for work in a mild panic because so many things were “off” and was not in a great mood. Having the number flash in my head didn’t help and walked thru the door looked in the mirror and was not a happy girl. And then my friend who I super doper love even though I don’t even really “know” online posted a picture of her shoes. Brianna; I adore you! Anyway, they were the cutest little shoes and suddenly I was smiling. And then she told me where they were and what brand and low and behold I found them online and the next thing I knew I was ordering them in my size and suddenly I was smiling! I mean, who the fuck doesn’t want a pair of bird wedge shoes??? See them here:
http://www.dsw.com/shoe/report+shala+wedge+sandal?prodId=dsw12prod4450110&productRef=SEARCH
I had to just post the link because for some reason when websites have the zoom feature on their pictures I can’t seem to figure out how to copy and paste the photo. So if you are interested in seeing the adorable bird shoes, go to the link.
Somehow just seeing and buying these shoes made me smile today. Totally crazy I know. And then somehow during the process of all this I felt happier and it put things into perspective. Come on Em, get a grip! You are not fat. You are not 2 pounds heavier today magically. You have worked out really hard all week long and you’re just exhausted physically and apparently mentally. And wait, cute bird shoes! Yup, that was my exact train of thought. So now I feel better.
I realized it is Friday morning and I feel much better. I have cute bird shoes ordered. I just have to get thru today at work and then I have a weekend. My sister and brother in law are coming this weekend, there will be a party celebrating his college graduation at my mom’s house tomorrow. Backstory, this is my brother in law that married my sister a year ago or so. He is a great guy and is just now getting his college degree in math because he spent a few years in the military and served in Iraq for a year. Good guy. Anyhow, he is going to go to graduate school in the fall to get his masters in math.
Anyhow, there will be a party and I will get to see my extended family which quite honestly are some of my favorite people so it’s all good. Plus my sister and BIL are brining my niece Kayden with them. She gets to come to Grandma’s house and hang out with all of us without her parents. I am excited to see my Kaydie-bug. That is what we call her. There is no way to not be happy about that.
This is my plan. Tonight is clearly rest to recuperate and reset my tired body, mind and spirit. Tomorrow morning I wake up after a good night’s sleep hopefully refreshed and rejuvenated and hit the gym at 9 AM for Cardio Kickboxing. Hopefully there are enough people this week to actually have the class! I might do some weights after kickboxing and then come home and shower up and go and enjoy my Saturday afternoon with my family. There will be lots of unhealthy food options and I am planning on eating what I want. It’s okay. Including the deliciously amazing homemade cheesecake that my cousin is making. He is like this ridiculously great cook and I’m going to eat cheesecake. Whatever. No bad here. I work hard, I can eat a little cheesecake when the occasion calls for it.
I get to spend some time with my Kaydie-bug. I am hoping to do something fun and girly with her. Maybe we should do some make-overs. She is a wonderful little 8 year old girl who is VERY girly. Sunday I will probably try to go to the gym at some point, probably in the afternoon. I am not sure. Monday is my first one on one personal training so I certainly don’t want to show up sore. We will just see how it all goes.
But its Friday today and for a moment this morning there was sun. I am hoping the sun returns this afternoon and I can smile even more. My husband is home for the day and is going fishing again. He went fishing yesterday and caught a steelhead fish (basically a salmon). We had fresh cooked salmon last night for dinner with all the fixings. i.e., baked potato with SALT, and bread with garlic SALT, corn on the cob with SALT. Anyhow. The fish was amazing. But the point is, he will be home later and if the weather is nice maybe we can go for a walk with my Molly dog. Who knows.
Can you tell I am in a much better mood, who knew bird shoes could have such an impact. And yes Miss Brianna it would be FUN to shop with you. I swear as a general rule I actually feel so much closer and connected at times to strangers online than I do people I actually know in real life. I guess you guys all get to see this part of me which is a more real honest version of myself than I allow a lot of “real” people to see. Therefore the friendships I develop are based on a more honest version of myself and therefore realer. I feel like people know me better based on this world. Funny how that works sometimes. Right, Julie??? I consider some of the people I have connected with online my real friends, ones I wouldn’t hesitate to invite into my home and share my life with; if only we lived closer that is. Except you T, Seattle isn’t that far in reality. Totally drive-able! And I swear someday I will meet some of you.. .(cough, cough… Paige, are you reading this?)
Anyway it is almost 11 which means the day is sufficiently flying by just as I like it and I am seeing the sun peak back out from behind the clouds again and that makes me actually WANT to run work errands for a change.
Smile everyone because it’s Friday and there is just no good reason not to be happy!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
The constant food struggle
I realize lately that my posts have felt an awful lot like a broken record. Kind of been saying the same thing day in and day out and while that is all nice and fine and dandy I mean it can get quite tediously boring. Yeah, the girl is exercising and going to the gym, great…. And yes, it is a good thing and yes I’m excited and yes this is a weight related blog so I’m not sure that one should expect any different content from it but it’s still constantly boring to hear the same thing.
So instead today I want to talk about something slightly different. Not really but at least it’s a different take on it. Yes the past week has been filled with healthy good stuff. Lots of great exercise and back on program post vacation joy. That is all true but lest we think I‘ve got all my shit figured out I don’t want to delude anyone, this is still a hard journey and despite being at goal having an addictive personality nothing about this is EVER easy. I still struggle, even now. It is a constant moment by moment struggle or rather conscious decision to be healthy. And health doesn’t always win.
I don’t want to fool anyone. I have been pretty clean in my eating post Maui but things have still gotten the better of me. I ate at least half a bag of Tostados Hint of Lime chips by myself thru the course of this last week and I didn’t even count/track/account for a bite of it; anywhere. And I’m not going to lie it is a DAILY and yes I do mean every single day kind of struggle to not pull into the amazing cupcake shop that is downtown and buy a cupcake. I am super addicted to fancy amazing unique flavored cupcakes. I’m glad I didn’t know this place existed 9 months ago when I was still eating anything and everything. I can only imagine how much additional damage I could have caused myself. But I don’t know why even to this day I have to divert the car in a different direction every single day.
Why are some people blessed with the skinny/healthy jean while others have to fight every single day to do the things that actually make themselves feel better. I can not deny that I never feel better physically and mentally than when I eat well and exercise. I have never been one of those people where food doesn’t affect me. Even when I am shoveling piles of garbage into my mouth I feel sick and push on. Even as an obese child eating too much grease caused me to spend many sleepless nights hugging the toilet. I had acid reflux disease as a kid which of course if a fancy way of saying I ate way too much fast food that my body couldn’t process it correctly. And yet it was never an indication to me that I should quit my behaviors.
And low and behold every single time I get off track and live a McDonald’s diet my stomach aches and I throw up and I feel sluggish and horrible. This is all physically; it doesn’t even being to touch the mental anguish it causes. Let’s face it, when you are 220 pounds and you don’t entirely care what you are eating the mental toll isn’t as tough as it would be if I ate at McDonald’s today. That is the truth. I wasn’t mentally that concerned about my behaviors probably because I would have had to face the truth if I were. There was a few times where I would actually think about it and get disgusted and just push the thought out of my head. But that didn’t stop the physical symptoms of poor nutrition from taking their toll on me.
Sometime approximately a year or so ago, in May of 2012 I remember sitting in my mom’s living room chatting with her about how I desperately HAD to do something about my eating because I just felt so sick all the time. I was so tired of physically feeling like I was going to vomit 24/7. And honestly I did vomit a lot. But I still would go to McDonald’s for my next meal or crack open another 12 pack of frosted sugar cookies; and then complain of wanting to vomit.
When you are not in the right mind frame there is just no getting out of the slump we create for ourselves. It’s not as if I didn’t know how to lose weight or eat healthy. I had already lost and gained 70 plus pounds 3 times at that point. I knew how to succeed and I knew how to fail. I was choosing failure. Despite having that conversation in May of 2012 it took until October to finally stop the madness. I honestly am not sure what finally did it for me. A complete combination of factors I’ve discussed before. The reality of booking a Vegas trip to see my stalking obsession, P!nk. And then there was this other nagging reality… Mom had joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. I knew she was going to lose weight and suddenly I couldn’t walk around fat and unhappy while mom was getting healthy.
Boy this journey is easier when the people around you are walking the same path. I have never really understood this concept until this time losing weight. I have known it was true but no one in my family had really been on the same path as me until this time. It is nice having mom care too. It is nice going to the gym and seeing my mom there. It is nice having someone to take classes with. Actually I don’t believe for a second I would have even EVER joined a gym if it hadn’t been for Mom already being a member and taking me with her.
Simply put I guess I will never get over the urge to eat a cupcake. I have to do this forever and make the choices that are best for me every single day. It doesn’t actually mean that I will always pick the healthiest option. Sometimes I don’t. And that is okay. This weekend is my brother in laws graduation party and there will be cheesecake and I am pretty certain I won’t be able to resist some of the tasty foods that will be spread about. And that is going to have to be okay with me. Because that is just life. I don’t want to live a life where cheesecake and cupcakes are completely off limits. Because I know in my heart I WON’T live a life like that and if I don’t allow for them and still keep going then ultimately I will fail at this like I have every previous time.
Don’t think because I have conquered my weight for now that I don’t still live the same internal struggle that all fat girls do. And sometimes my fat girl just wins out, plain and simple. Hello M&M’s and sweet tarts. And yes, my Friday night dinners that usually involve alcoholic sugary mixed drink concoctions.
Tonight I gym it once again. However since this is Day 5 in a row of workouts I’m going to say it should be a lighter workout. Of course I am going to be doing some classes so I am not entirely in control of it all. I am excited to get in some dumbbell fit and cardio strength classes tonight. Should be a good time. I will not run. I ran a 5k last night in 29 minutes. Good enough for me. Then I did 2o minutes on the row machine and then about 30 minutes of weight stuff. I had a great workout, burned 750 calories and that was good enough for me. Tonight is classes and then Thursday night will be rest day; finally :)
So instead today I want to talk about something slightly different. Not really but at least it’s a different take on it. Yes the past week has been filled with healthy good stuff. Lots of great exercise and back on program post vacation joy. That is all true but lest we think I‘ve got all my shit figured out I don’t want to delude anyone, this is still a hard journey and despite being at goal having an addictive personality nothing about this is EVER easy. I still struggle, even now. It is a constant moment by moment struggle or rather conscious decision to be healthy. And health doesn’t always win.
I don’t want to fool anyone. I have been pretty clean in my eating post Maui but things have still gotten the better of me. I ate at least half a bag of Tostados Hint of Lime chips by myself thru the course of this last week and I didn’t even count/track/account for a bite of it; anywhere. And I’m not going to lie it is a DAILY and yes I do mean every single day kind of struggle to not pull into the amazing cupcake shop that is downtown and buy a cupcake. I am super addicted to fancy amazing unique flavored cupcakes. I’m glad I didn’t know this place existed 9 months ago when I was still eating anything and everything. I can only imagine how much additional damage I could have caused myself. But I don’t know why even to this day I have to divert the car in a different direction every single day.
Why are some people blessed with the skinny/healthy jean while others have to fight every single day to do the things that actually make themselves feel better. I can not deny that I never feel better physically and mentally than when I eat well and exercise. I have never been one of those people where food doesn’t affect me. Even when I am shoveling piles of garbage into my mouth I feel sick and push on. Even as an obese child eating too much grease caused me to spend many sleepless nights hugging the toilet. I had acid reflux disease as a kid which of course if a fancy way of saying I ate way too much fast food that my body couldn’t process it correctly. And yet it was never an indication to me that I should quit my behaviors.
And low and behold every single time I get off track and live a McDonald’s diet my stomach aches and I throw up and I feel sluggish and horrible. This is all physically; it doesn’t even being to touch the mental anguish it causes. Let’s face it, when you are 220 pounds and you don’t entirely care what you are eating the mental toll isn’t as tough as it would be if I ate at McDonald’s today. That is the truth. I wasn’t mentally that concerned about my behaviors probably because I would have had to face the truth if I were. There was a few times where I would actually think about it and get disgusted and just push the thought out of my head. But that didn’t stop the physical symptoms of poor nutrition from taking their toll on me.
Sometime approximately a year or so ago, in May of 2012 I remember sitting in my mom’s living room chatting with her about how I desperately HAD to do something about my eating because I just felt so sick all the time. I was so tired of physically feeling like I was going to vomit 24/7. And honestly I did vomit a lot. But I still would go to McDonald’s for my next meal or crack open another 12 pack of frosted sugar cookies; and then complain of wanting to vomit.
When you are not in the right mind frame there is just no getting out of the slump we create for ourselves. It’s not as if I didn’t know how to lose weight or eat healthy. I had already lost and gained 70 plus pounds 3 times at that point. I knew how to succeed and I knew how to fail. I was choosing failure. Despite having that conversation in May of 2012 it took until October to finally stop the madness. I honestly am not sure what finally did it for me. A complete combination of factors I’ve discussed before. The reality of booking a Vegas trip to see my stalking obsession, P!nk. And then there was this other nagging reality… Mom had joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. I knew she was going to lose weight and suddenly I couldn’t walk around fat and unhappy while mom was getting healthy.
Boy this journey is easier when the people around you are walking the same path. I have never really understood this concept until this time losing weight. I have known it was true but no one in my family had really been on the same path as me until this time. It is nice having mom care too. It is nice going to the gym and seeing my mom there. It is nice having someone to take classes with. Actually I don’t believe for a second I would have even EVER joined a gym if it hadn’t been for Mom already being a member and taking me with her.
Simply put I guess I will never get over the urge to eat a cupcake. I have to do this forever and make the choices that are best for me every single day. It doesn’t actually mean that I will always pick the healthiest option. Sometimes I don’t. And that is okay. This weekend is my brother in laws graduation party and there will be cheesecake and I am pretty certain I won’t be able to resist some of the tasty foods that will be spread about. And that is going to have to be okay with me. Because that is just life. I don’t want to live a life where cheesecake and cupcakes are completely off limits. Because I know in my heart I WON’T live a life like that and if I don’t allow for them and still keep going then ultimately I will fail at this like I have every previous time.
Don’t think because I have conquered my weight for now that I don’t still live the same internal struggle that all fat girls do. And sometimes my fat girl just wins out, plain and simple. Hello M&M’s and sweet tarts. And yes, my Friday night dinners that usually involve alcoholic sugary mixed drink concoctions.
Tonight I gym it once again. However since this is Day 5 in a row of workouts I’m going to say it should be a lighter workout. Of course I am going to be doing some classes so I am not entirely in control of it all. I am excited to get in some dumbbell fit and cardio strength classes tonight. Should be a good time. I will not run. I ran a 5k last night in 29 minutes. Good enough for me. Then I did 2o minutes on the row machine and then about 30 minutes of weight stuff. I had a great workout, burned 750 calories and that was good enough for me. Tonight is classes and then Thursday night will be rest day; finally :)
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
When did I get so scared all the time?
Some days things just don’t go according to plan do they? I’m trying to get some stuff done at work and then it’s like, run this errand for me will ya? And then its can you do this? I guess it’s good to be needed right? Of course I am a pretty ritualistic girl. Okay, that sounded like creepy spiritual and that I am not. I meant, I am a creature of habit. I like routine and consistency. Thus the same running routine for 7 plus months. Anyhow; I have a predetermined way I like my mornings to go and that includes start out doing a few things that I have to do daily for work and then I like to take a little while and write out my blog post. I love how that somehow gets worked into my daily work routine, right? As if that is a high priority I’m sure… But if I don’t get it done in the morning there are diminishing odds that it happens later in the day. Just part of the ritual that is Emily.
Anyhow; last night I met with my newly hired personal trainer. Her name is Julie. I was nervous because God knows I am always nervous. Why am I such a scardy cat all the time? Geesh. Sometimes I wonder what the hell is really wrong in my brain, but that is a discussion for another time. I wasn’t actually afraid to meet with her. I think my fear stems from being afraid that I won’t be able to deliver on expectations. I think that I’m afraid that people think I’m stronger than I am. That perhaps I portray myself as stronger than I am. I don’t even mean physically stronger but emotionally. I think I’d break far easier than I like to portray.
I like my trainer. I have this innate desire to want to please her. Perhaps because I do like her and respect her. Perhaps because she keeps telling me how awesome I’m going to be and how much she is looking forward to watching me change and of course how cute and tiny I already am. Hmm… who doesn’t love to hear that? For some reason she already gets me and I love that. I think it helps that she is my mom’s trainer and has discussed me with her so I go in already having someone else in my corner. She has already gathered that I am obsessive compulsive and told me last night she was the same way. That I remind her of herself at my age. She is in her mid 40’s now. She said I am at about the same weight she was when she started doing this herself and she was 34. Anyway, she took my measurements which weren’t bad. I have nothing to compare them to so I can’t really tell you. The only time I’ve ever taken my measurements are when you hold up a tape measure and let’s be honest you pull it pretty tight to produce the lowest number possible. Not sure if that is really the most accurate measurement anyway.
It’s probably better to have a consistent person measure you who doesn’t squeeze the ever loving crap out of you. Probably better. Anyhow, my numbers seemed fine to me. But who the hell is counting. I suppose the true result comes in a month when we take my measurements again to see if there is any improvement. After she took the measurements she was like, see you already are tiny. I like being called tiny even if I don’t believe it. For some reason I do have it stuck in my head that 140 pounds is not tiny at all. That someone who is “tiny” is like 110 pounds. I don’t want to be 110 pounds but I have never equated thin to 140 pounds ever. Funny. Which is why it always shocks me that someone in this profession could say that I look like I’m at a great size and don’t need to lose weight but just tone up. In my mind I guess I still see all the flab at 140 pounds and therefore my normal gut reaction is to lose more weight and be like 130 pounds when in reality perhaps I just need to turn the flab into muscle and then it wouldn’t matter if I was 140 or 130 pounds. I do believe that. I am less concerned about the actual weight and suddenly more focused on building noticeable muscle.
However, I am scared that given her knowledge of my history and the reality that I already have a pretty high fitness level that somehow her expectation of my ability is greater than what it actually is. I keep trying to preface it by saying things like I have never done any of this kind of stuff before and my form is awful, I don’t know what I’m doing and of course I am not strong at all. I am not sure this is helping myself any but I naturally do it nonetheless.
She asked me realistically how much I am running. I told her since going the gym last month I have really tried to focus on running less but for a solid 7 months I honestly ran 5 days a week for an hour minimum. This is not a lie. She told me this was indeed too much running and while great for blasting calories and losing weight as I have done it really does become counterproductive because eventually as you lose weight your body has no more of those fat cells to blast and it turns into burning your non-existent muscle. Okay I added the non-part in there. Anyhow my goal is strength, strength, strength, and to taper down on the running of course.
This is a hard concept for my brain to completely grasp. I want to run. I love to run. But on the flip of it, I want health and I want different results than I’ve ever gotten so shouldn’t I really listen to this educated professional?
Oh, and the diet… geesh. They have a page you log into to track your food intake. Yeah, it’s one of those “ideal” best case scenarios that for me seem completely not manageable in real life at all. Keep your sodium levels to oh, nothing! Ha. And of course 50% carbs, 30% protein, 20% fat or something like that. I BARELY and I do mean BARELY track food on occasion; you really think I’m going to spend my life analyzing how much of my diet is coming from carbs/protein/fat. It’s pretty much a miracle if I track or eat well so why should I over tax my brain with that. Yes, I understand it would be better for me. Don’t we all know that? I don’t think I’m trying to become miss muscle fitness 2013 or the poster child for the fitness industry. I simply want to strength train and I suppose ultimately learn to maintain my weight and still afford myself the occasional cookie and margarita. I’m not looking to beat myself up for my particular mix of food choices. What the fuck do I care if a banana is carb loaded and therefore skews my daily intake. It’s a god-damned banana and shouldn’t it be a good thing for me to eat those as snacks instead of like chips or something else?
Okay, that is my stupid rant. She wasn’t really pushing it that hard. I just find it interesting that the fitness industry as a whole is so focused on stuff like that. I get it, but I am also coming from a place of real. I’ve done this shit for 9 years and I know that for someone who will always be a fat girl on the inside it’s a fucking miracle to consistently eat bananas as snacks. Fuck the carbs. Seriously!
Baby steps. She waked me around and showed me some machines to get me going this week. I was happy and comfortable with that. She told me we would not spend a lot of time focusing on the machines as she has other plans for me. She seemed genuinely excited to tear into me and that is both awesome and terrifying that the same time. I don’t even think it’s because of my physical ability. I am sure it’s not great and I am sure while she gets people coming to her with less skills she probably has people in better shape seeking her help as well. But what she probably gets little of is the crazy obsessive girl that is pretty obvious I am. I think when you tell someone that you lost almost 80 pounds in 7 months all on your own you get a pretty clear vision of the level of commitment or perhaps crazy that is going on in there brain. I think this is a rare-er breed at a gym. Sure sure you get your addicts or people who are fit, but a true obsessive compulsive is a rarer breed. And here I am in the flesh waiting to be molded I guess. I will say that in 9 years of yo-yo-ing my life around I have never really done weight training. I am a fresh slate.
But I am scared. I keep saying that because a girl doesn’t get to be 220 pounds in life without having a few emotional issues. Those bags are hard to empty my friends. Just because I lose the weight doesn’t mean all of the issues suddenly go away. I have worked very hard on them and sure they are lesser. Hell I’m proud of myself for even joining the gym and feeling comfortable enough to walk around there like I actually belong. That is a HUGE step for me. So obviously part of my baggage is wondering if I can really live up to expectations. What if I CAN’T do this? What if I flake out like I have done every other time in my life? What if I quit? What happens when my motivation and desire go away, as I am almost certain will happen at some point?
One day at a time I guess. Don’t create the problems before they happen. Right now we have blocked out Monday nights at 5:30 for my training sessions indefinitely. I get off work at 5, have to rush to the gym, try and get in a solid 10-15 minutes of warm-up before I see her and then she is going to kick my ass apparently. I think I will love it. I’ve loved everything I’ve done thus far. Maybe in the moment I hate it, but I always love it afterwards. I am certain this will be no different.
And just because I’m afraid doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. What if I could actually have the things I want and all it took was me stepping out of my comfort zone? I’m tired of being so afraid of life. I really am such a wuss. I don’t know when I got so scared to live.
Last night I did not do really any cardio. I took a class that was fun and then I did some weight stuff for 30 minutes, the stuff she showed me and that was about it. So tonight I plan to hit the gym for a good sweat session. I didn’t sweat too much last night. Chris works late tonight so I get to spend some quality time with myself sweating it out. I brought my running shoes tonight so I can get in a nice 5k run. I will try and limit myself to only a 30 minute run and then more weights and other stuff. But I feel like I need a good run. It is when I do my best thinking!
Anyhow; last night I met with my newly hired personal trainer. Her name is Julie. I was nervous because God knows I am always nervous. Why am I such a scardy cat all the time? Geesh. Sometimes I wonder what the hell is really wrong in my brain, but that is a discussion for another time. I wasn’t actually afraid to meet with her. I think my fear stems from being afraid that I won’t be able to deliver on expectations. I think that I’m afraid that people think I’m stronger than I am. That perhaps I portray myself as stronger than I am. I don’t even mean physically stronger but emotionally. I think I’d break far easier than I like to portray.
I like my trainer. I have this innate desire to want to please her. Perhaps because I do like her and respect her. Perhaps because she keeps telling me how awesome I’m going to be and how much she is looking forward to watching me change and of course how cute and tiny I already am. Hmm… who doesn’t love to hear that? For some reason she already gets me and I love that. I think it helps that she is my mom’s trainer and has discussed me with her so I go in already having someone else in my corner. She has already gathered that I am obsessive compulsive and told me last night she was the same way. That I remind her of herself at my age. She is in her mid 40’s now. She said I am at about the same weight she was when she started doing this herself and she was 34. Anyway, she took my measurements which weren’t bad. I have nothing to compare them to so I can’t really tell you. The only time I’ve ever taken my measurements are when you hold up a tape measure and let’s be honest you pull it pretty tight to produce the lowest number possible. Not sure if that is really the most accurate measurement anyway.
It’s probably better to have a consistent person measure you who doesn’t squeeze the ever loving crap out of you. Probably better. Anyhow, my numbers seemed fine to me. But who the hell is counting. I suppose the true result comes in a month when we take my measurements again to see if there is any improvement. After she took the measurements she was like, see you already are tiny. I like being called tiny even if I don’t believe it. For some reason I do have it stuck in my head that 140 pounds is not tiny at all. That someone who is “tiny” is like 110 pounds. I don’t want to be 110 pounds but I have never equated thin to 140 pounds ever. Funny. Which is why it always shocks me that someone in this profession could say that I look like I’m at a great size and don’t need to lose weight but just tone up. In my mind I guess I still see all the flab at 140 pounds and therefore my normal gut reaction is to lose more weight and be like 130 pounds when in reality perhaps I just need to turn the flab into muscle and then it wouldn’t matter if I was 140 or 130 pounds. I do believe that. I am less concerned about the actual weight and suddenly more focused on building noticeable muscle.
However, I am scared that given her knowledge of my history and the reality that I already have a pretty high fitness level that somehow her expectation of my ability is greater than what it actually is. I keep trying to preface it by saying things like I have never done any of this kind of stuff before and my form is awful, I don’t know what I’m doing and of course I am not strong at all. I am not sure this is helping myself any but I naturally do it nonetheless.
She asked me realistically how much I am running. I told her since going the gym last month I have really tried to focus on running less but for a solid 7 months I honestly ran 5 days a week for an hour minimum. This is not a lie. She told me this was indeed too much running and while great for blasting calories and losing weight as I have done it really does become counterproductive because eventually as you lose weight your body has no more of those fat cells to blast and it turns into burning your non-existent muscle. Okay I added the non-part in there. Anyhow my goal is strength, strength, strength, and to taper down on the running of course.
This is a hard concept for my brain to completely grasp. I want to run. I love to run. But on the flip of it, I want health and I want different results than I’ve ever gotten so shouldn’t I really listen to this educated professional?
Oh, and the diet… geesh. They have a page you log into to track your food intake. Yeah, it’s one of those “ideal” best case scenarios that for me seem completely not manageable in real life at all. Keep your sodium levels to oh, nothing! Ha. And of course 50% carbs, 30% protein, 20% fat or something like that. I BARELY and I do mean BARELY track food on occasion; you really think I’m going to spend my life analyzing how much of my diet is coming from carbs/protein/fat. It’s pretty much a miracle if I track or eat well so why should I over tax my brain with that. Yes, I understand it would be better for me. Don’t we all know that? I don’t think I’m trying to become miss muscle fitness 2013 or the poster child for the fitness industry. I simply want to strength train and I suppose ultimately learn to maintain my weight and still afford myself the occasional cookie and margarita. I’m not looking to beat myself up for my particular mix of food choices. What the fuck do I care if a banana is carb loaded and therefore skews my daily intake. It’s a god-damned banana and shouldn’t it be a good thing for me to eat those as snacks instead of like chips or something else?
Okay, that is my stupid rant. She wasn’t really pushing it that hard. I just find it interesting that the fitness industry as a whole is so focused on stuff like that. I get it, but I am also coming from a place of real. I’ve done this shit for 9 years and I know that for someone who will always be a fat girl on the inside it’s a fucking miracle to consistently eat bananas as snacks. Fuck the carbs. Seriously!
Baby steps. She waked me around and showed me some machines to get me going this week. I was happy and comfortable with that. She told me we would not spend a lot of time focusing on the machines as she has other plans for me. She seemed genuinely excited to tear into me and that is both awesome and terrifying that the same time. I don’t even think it’s because of my physical ability. I am sure it’s not great and I am sure while she gets people coming to her with less skills she probably has people in better shape seeking her help as well. But what she probably gets little of is the crazy obsessive girl that is pretty obvious I am. I think when you tell someone that you lost almost 80 pounds in 7 months all on your own you get a pretty clear vision of the level of commitment or perhaps crazy that is going on in there brain. I think this is a rare-er breed at a gym. Sure sure you get your addicts or people who are fit, but a true obsessive compulsive is a rarer breed. And here I am in the flesh waiting to be molded I guess. I will say that in 9 years of yo-yo-ing my life around I have never really done weight training. I am a fresh slate.
But I am scared. I keep saying that because a girl doesn’t get to be 220 pounds in life without having a few emotional issues. Those bags are hard to empty my friends. Just because I lose the weight doesn’t mean all of the issues suddenly go away. I have worked very hard on them and sure they are lesser. Hell I’m proud of myself for even joining the gym and feeling comfortable enough to walk around there like I actually belong. That is a HUGE step for me. So obviously part of my baggage is wondering if I can really live up to expectations. What if I CAN’T do this? What if I flake out like I have done every other time in my life? What if I quit? What happens when my motivation and desire go away, as I am almost certain will happen at some point?
One day at a time I guess. Don’t create the problems before they happen. Right now we have blocked out Monday nights at 5:30 for my training sessions indefinitely. I get off work at 5, have to rush to the gym, try and get in a solid 10-15 minutes of warm-up before I see her and then she is going to kick my ass apparently. I think I will love it. I’ve loved everything I’ve done thus far. Maybe in the moment I hate it, but I always love it afterwards. I am certain this will be no different.
And just because I’m afraid doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. What if I could actually have the things I want and all it took was me stepping out of my comfort zone? I’m tired of being so afraid of life. I really am such a wuss. I don’t know when I got so scared to live.
Last night I did not do really any cardio. I took a class that was fun and then I did some weight stuff for 30 minutes, the stuff she showed me and that was about it. So tonight I plan to hit the gym for a good sweat session. I didn’t sweat too much last night. Chris works late tonight so I get to spend some quality time with myself sweating it out. I brought my running shoes tonight so I can get in a nice 5k run. I will try and limit myself to only a 30 minute run and then more weights and other stuff. But I feel like I need a good run. It is when I do my best thinking!
Monday, June 17, 2013
Weekend of Health
My weekend did not go as planned. Not that they ever do actually and not that I really had any solid plan. I didn’t. I knew it was going to be much more of a do what I want lazy kind of weekend and I was fine with that. I actually needed that post crazy of vacation time. Overall I would say it was a pretty good healthy weekend. It was not 100% clean; but I truly wasn’t holding my breath that it would be. Saturday night I ate a bag of plain m&m’s… I can’t shake my sugar cravings but they are vastly less than Maui-time so I’ll take it.
Let’s start with Friday. I did not exercise. Since I got home last Tuesday I exercised Tuesday; Wednesday and Thursday. I also knew that Saturday and Sunday would more than likely include lots of exercise so I purposely took Friday off. I think this was a good decision on my part. Hubby has been sick; like flu kind of sick so he was home Friday and by the time I came home he was craving some out of the house time. He did not feel great but good enough that he needed some fresh air. We ended up going to Costco to do a walk around. When I say a walk around these trips always inevitably end up costing me like $100. Oops. It’s so easy to do when every time is in such large quantity that it costs $10 or so. Only a few times and suddenly you find yourself with $100 cart. Anyhow, my cart looked great. I got apple slices, raspberries, mushrooms and a big 24 pack of Monster energy drinks. Here’s the thing; I know they are not great or “healthy” by any account but I like them and honestly if that is my worst habit than I am okay with it. Baby steps right.
Chris was starving and needed a snack so we ended up looking at the granola bar type things. He opted for a Nature Valley peanut thing which was healthier than many of the other options but not something I would consume because of content. My husband is just a naturally thin guy; always has been. He doesn’t fluxuate like me. He’s been pretty solidly consistent the entire time I’ve known him. In those same 9 years I’ve lost and gained 75 pounds like 4 times. Ha. Anyway, I did get some Lara bars. Um… why has no one ever told me how amazing these bars are??? I guess I have been living under a rock or something. We got an 18 count box for like $16 I think. I knew they were healthy and all but boy were they delicious. There were 3 kinds in the box and I loved them all. I am going to go to the grocery store and buy other flavors. I am in love with the simplicity of them. The ingredients are amazing, really just fruit and nuts. In terms of weight watchers points they are slightly high but in terms of health and nutrition I think they are spot on. We need to eat less processed crap in our lives and these bars have none of that.
In terms of Phase 2 of my life plan which is to be healthy and happy I think these bars are a great fit. I really appreciate the lack of ingredients I can’t even pronounce. That has to count for something right? I am going to treat them as they are, a very good for you snack and not worry so much about the other information because of the quality.
Anyway, Saturday morning I had every intention of going to the gym at 9 AM for cardio kickboxing. When I went to the gym Thursday night there was a sign up when I walked in saying the class had just been added. I’m like sure, I’m up for it. Somehow Saturday morning I overslept and when I looked at the clock it was 8:30… Oops. Holy Shit. I went into get up and act fast mode. I literally got dressed, grabbed some food to go and headed out the door. I made it to the gym by 8:55 which isn’t bad. Low and behold when I went to put my name on the sign-up sheet I was the only one. The instructor, a nice cute fun little girl came over to me and we started chatting. We were hoping someone else would show up I guess.
Eventually my newly hired trainer came into the gym and over to us and the instructor asked her what she should do because I was the only one who signed up. There was discussion and finally it was determined that the girl could do a personal 30 minute 1 on 1 training with me. So she asked if I was up for it and I’m thinking um… I just paid a shit load of money for one on one trainings so yes, I’ll take it. We went to the group class room and instead of doing anything kickbox related the girl kicked my ass. Okay, we did a little circuit type training with lots of weights and mountain climbers and burpies. It was killer. My arms were shaking. Obviously not in great arm strength here. I was actually totally impressed despite being utterly tired from having just literally woken up not too long beforehand. I felt a huge high which gives me so much hope and anticipation for my own personal training sessions.
It was hard work and by the time it was done; I was ready for it to be done but I felt amazing. Of course I was not even close to done with the gym. I had a whole day all to myself and I was going to use it how I saw fit. I wanted to run. I did not run Thursday night at the gym and I took Friday off so I felt like a good run. I ran for 45 minutes or so I don’t exactly remember and around 4 ½ to 5 miles. It felt good. I felt happy. I did some other machines and I kept pushing on. I ended up burning 1000 calories in around 2 hours 20 minutes. Of course there were lots of breaks in-between exercises in my 2 hours 2 minutes at the gym.
Afterwards I headed up, showered and cleaned up and headed to a nail appointment. Nice. After my nails I stopped at the bread store and picked up supplies for my hubby and some delicious Dave’s Killer Bread for me. I then headed to Victoria Secret for their semi-annual sale. Love that! When I finished up it was almost 5 and I was starving!
Somehow driving home I got it in my head that it would be a great decision to stop for frozen yogurt. I had a groupon there that was apparently burning a hole in my purse. It was nice out and suddenly ice cream sounded amazing. I was debating the merits with myself the entire drive. I mean, I was starving and realistically knew ice cream was not going to fill me up, but I wanted it!!! I went to turn into the shopping complex where the ice cream parlor was at and realized I had turned too early. It wasn’t things shopping complex but the next. Damn! So I was going to drive thru the parking lot to the next light. When low and behold I looked up and saw Quizno’s staring at me. I started shaking my head in the car. Yup, I got it universe. Thanks for the not so subtle clue. My Quizno’s sandwich would inevitably be as many calories/points as any ice cream and might actually provide me with nutrition that would make me not starving. Fine, you win I said out loud to the universe and got a sandwich instead.
That was pretty much my Saturday. For some reason Sunday morning I really struggled to do anything. I was damned lazy. We slept in late and then I just sat in my pajamas for the longest time. Finally I decided that I really had to get dressed especially if I was going to accomplish anything. Around 11 or noon or so I changed into workout clothes. I was thinking that perhaps just being in my clothes would make me want to exercise. It took a long while but eventually I did drag my body to the gym with the promise that I really didn’t have to do too much if I didn’t feel like it. I always end up doing more than I plan but if I really didn’t feel it I didn’t have to stay.
I started by getting on the stair climber and pumping out 20 minutes, 100 floors climbed. Then I felt great. Go Figure! I really wanted to get in some more arm work and went to one of the little rooms and got out a bosu ball. I combined lots of the exercises I had done the previous day with some from the class I took Thursday night. I honestly can say I kicked my own ass. I did more of the free weight movements on my own than I have done in a long time. My arms actually kind of hurt today. I wasn’t quite ready to be finished yet so I did a 5 K run on treadmill. I ended up blasting 800 calories and calling it good. Um Sunday afternoons are DEAD at the gym. DEAD I tell you. Kind of nice actually. There were like 10 people in the whole place.
Afterwards I was hungry so I was going to stop for a Jamba Juice but instead saw a Big Town Hero on the way and was like hell yes. Lately I have had a huge aversion to Subway. The bread just doesn’t taste good to me and of course I think their veggies are just not fresh. I will try any sandwich shop other than Subway. I mean, sometimes you just have to Subway because of availability but it’s not that great. I loved my Big Town Hero sandwich and felt satisfied. When I got home I did a few domestics and then since I was still in my workout clothes decided to take Molly for a walk to the school nearby. We were walking and then I just started running. I ended up running most of the way with Molly. She was a tired doggie :) Blasted another 150 calories and called it good. Showered and waited for Chris to get home.
That is pretty much my entire weekend in a nutshell. Oh yeah, watched The Miss USA Pageant last night on TV. I mean, I felt old. Those girls were all like 20. Wow. But I saw me some Bob Harper who is like the best. Anyway. Now I’m back at it today and tonight I have a 5:30 meeting with my trainer at the gym. We are going to take measurements and do a fitness assessment or something like that. I don’t know, I just show up and let it happen to me. But I feel less stressed about it after having a little one on one this weekend. Yes, it wasn’t with my trainer but it was still good to give me an idea. I don’t think we are actually going to be working out tonight. I am going to go in workout clothes obviously and will maybe do something light at the gym. I am not sure we will see.
I’m looking forward to another strong healthy week. This weekend will be more challenging. There will be a party at my mom’s house Saturday to celebrate my brother in law’s college graduation and there will be cheesecake and pulled pork. I will be fine. But it just means I need to put in a solid week which I have every intention of doing. Woot Woot. Who is this strong post vacation girl??? That’s right, me! Okay, that was lame. I’m just so surprised with myself that I can’t help but feel a little good. Here I am back on track and that feels encouraging. I now feel like I can live my life, have a drink or okay like 20, and then still get it back together. That makes this lifestyle more long term manageable for me. I can’t spend my entire life not eating cupcakes or drinking margaritas. It won’t happen. But if that can happen and I can still come back and exercise and eat healthy the rest of the time then I can do this forever. Maui 2013 has finally taught me that.
Anyway, I need to get back to work now. This ended up being an extremely long post. Ooops… Monday’s suck. There, I said it. I hate Monday’s.!
Let’s start with Friday. I did not exercise. Since I got home last Tuesday I exercised Tuesday; Wednesday and Thursday. I also knew that Saturday and Sunday would more than likely include lots of exercise so I purposely took Friday off. I think this was a good decision on my part. Hubby has been sick; like flu kind of sick so he was home Friday and by the time I came home he was craving some out of the house time. He did not feel great but good enough that he needed some fresh air. We ended up going to Costco to do a walk around. When I say a walk around these trips always inevitably end up costing me like $100. Oops. It’s so easy to do when every time is in such large quantity that it costs $10 or so. Only a few times and suddenly you find yourself with $100 cart. Anyhow, my cart looked great. I got apple slices, raspberries, mushrooms and a big 24 pack of Monster energy drinks. Here’s the thing; I know they are not great or “healthy” by any account but I like them and honestly if that is my worst habit than I am okay with it. Baby steps right.
Chris was starving and needed a snack so we ended up looking at the granola bar type things. He opted for a Nature Valley peanut thing which was healthier than many of the other options but not something I would consume because of content. My husband is just a naturally thin guy; always has been. He doesn’t fluxuate like me. He’s been pretty solidly consistent the entire time I’ve known him. In those same 9 years I’ve lost and gained 75 pounds like 4 times. Ha. Anyway, I did get some Lara bars. Um… why has no one ever told me how amazing these bars are??? I guess I have been living under a rock or something. We got an 18 count box for like $16 I think. I knew they were healthy and all but boy were they delicious. There were 3 kinds in the box and I loved them all. I am going to go to the grocery store and buy other flavors. I am in love with the simplicity of them. The ingredients are amazing, really just fruit and nuts. In terms of weight watchers points they are slightly high but in terms of health and nutrition I think they are spot on. We need to eat less processed crap in our lives and these bars have none of that.
In terms of Phase 2 of my life plan which is to be healthy and happy I think these bars are a great fit. I really appreciate the lack of ingredients I can’t even pronounce. That has to count for something right? I am going to treat them as they are, a very good for you snack and not worry so much about the other information because of the quality.
Anyway, Saturday morning I had every intention of going to the gym at 9 AM for cardio kickboxing. When I went to the gym Thursday night there was a sign up when I walked in saying the class had just been added. I’m like sure, I’m up for it. Somehow Saturday morning I overslept and when I looked at the clock it was 8:30… Oops. Holy Shit. I went into get up and act fast mode. I literally got dressed, grabbed some food to go and headed out the door. I made it to the gym by 8:55 which isn’t bad. Low and behold when I went to put my name on the sign-up sheet I was the only one. The instructor, a nice cute fun little girl came over to me and we started chatting. We were hoping someone else would show up I guess.
Eventually my newly hired trainer came into the gym and over to us and the instructor asked her what she should do because I was the only one who signed up. There was discussion and finally it was determined that the girl could do a personal 30 minute 1 on 1 training with me. So she asked if I was up for it and I’m thinking um… I just paid a shit load of money for one on one trainings so yes, I’ll take it. We went to the group class room and instead of doing anything kickbox related the girl kicked my ass. Okay, we did a little circuit type training with lots of weights and mountain climbers and burpies. It was killer. My arms were shaking. Obviously not in great arm strength here. I was actually totally impressed despite being utterly tired from having just literally woken up not too long beforehand. I felt a huge high which gives me so much hope and anticipation for my own personal training sessions.
It was hard work and by the time it was done; I was ready for it to be done but I felt amazing. Of course I was not even close to done with the gym. I had a whole day all to myself and I was going to use it how I saw fit. I wanted to run. I did not run Thursday night at the gym and I took Friday off so I felt like a good run. I ran for 45 minutes or so I don’t exactly remember and around 4 ½ to 5 miles. It felt good. I felt happy. I did some other machines and I kept pushing on. I ended up burning 1000 calories in around 2 hours 20 minutes. Of course there were lots of breaks in-between exercises in my 2 hours 2 minutes at the gym.
Afterwards I headed up, showered and cleaned up and headed to a nail appointment. Nice. After my nails I stopped at the bread store and picked up supplies for my hubby and some delicious Dave’s Killer Bread for me. I then headed to Victoria Secret for their semi-annual sale. Love that! When I finished up it was almost 5 and I was starving!
Somehow driving home I got it in my head that it would be a great decision to stop for frozen yogurt. I had a groupon there that was apparently burning a hole in my purse. It was nice out and suddenly ice cream sounded amazing. I was debating the merits with myself the entire drive. I mean, I was starving and realistically knew ice cream was not going to fill me up, but I wanted it!!! I went to turn into the shopping complex where the ice cream parlor was at and realized I had turned too early. It wasn’t things shopping complex but the next. Damn! So I was going to drive thru the parking lot to the next light. When low and behold I looked up and saw Quizno’s staring at me. I started shaking my head in the car. Yup, I got it universe. Thanks for the not so subtle clue. My Quizno’s sandwich would inevitably be as many calories/points as any ice cream and might actually provide me with nutrition that would make me not starving. Fine, you win I said out loud to the universe and got a sandwich instead.
That was pretty much my Saturday. For some reason Sunday morning I really struggled to do anything. I was damned lazy. We slept in late and then I just sat in my pajamas for the longest time. Finally I decided that I really had to get dressed especially if I was going to accomplish anything. Around 11 or noon or so I changed into workout clothes. I was thinking that perhaps just being in my clothes would make me want to exercise. It took a long while but eventually I did drag my body to the gym with the promise that I really didn’t have to do too much if I didn’t feel like it. I always end up doing more than I plan but if I really didn’t feel it I didn’t have to stay.
I started by getting on the stair climber and pumping out 20 minutes, 100 floors climbed. Then I felt great. Go Figure! I really wanted to get in some more arm work and went to one of the little rooms and got out a bosu ball. I combined lots of the exercises I had done the previous day with some from the class I took Thursday night. I honestly can say I kicked my own ass. I did more of the free weight movements on my own than I have done in a long time. My arms actually kind of hurt today. I wasn’t quite ready to be finished yet so I did a 5 K run on treadmill. I ended up blasting 800 calories and calling it good. Um Sunday afternoons are DEAD at the gym. DEAD I tell you. Kind of nice actually. There were like 10 people in the whole place.
Afterwards I was hungry so I was going to stop for a Jamba Juice but instead saw a Big Town Hero on the way and was like hell yes. Lately I have had a huge aversion to Subway. The bread just doesn’t taste good to me and of course I think their veggies are just not fresh. I will try any sandwich shop other than Subway. I mean, sometimes you just have to Subway because of availability but it’s not that great. I loved my Big Town Hero sandwich and felt satisfied. When I got home I did a few domestics and then since I was still in my workout clothes decided to take Molly for a walk to the school nearby. We were walking and then I just started running. I ended up running most of the way with Molly. She was a tired doggie :) Blasted another 150 calories and called it good. Showered and waited for Chris to get home.
That is pretty much my entire weekend in a nutshell. Oh yeah, watched The Miss USA Pageant last night on TV. I mean, I felt old. Those girls were all like 20. Wow. But I saw me some Bob Harper who is like the best. Anyway. Now I’m back at it today and tonight I have a 5:30 meeting with my trainer at the gym. We are going to take measurements and do a fitness assessment or something like that. I don’t know, I just show up and let it happen to me. But I feel less stressed about it after having a little one on one this weekend. Yes, it wasn’t with my trainer but it was still good to give me an idea. I don’t think we are actually going to be working out tonight. I am going to go in workout clothes obviously and will maybe do something light at the gym. I am not sure we will see.
I’m looking forward to another strong healthy week. This weekend will be more challenging. There will be a party at my mom’s house Saturday to celebrate my brother in law’s college graduation and there will be cheesecake and pulled pork. I will be fine. But it just means I need to put in a solid week which I have every intention of doing. Woot Woot. Who is this strong post vacation girl??? That’s right, me! Okay, that was lame. I’m just so surprised with myself that I can’t help but feel a little good. Here I am back on track and that feels encouraging. I now feel like I can live my life, have a drink or okay like 20, and then still get it back together. That makes this lifestyle more long term manageable for me. I can’t spend my entire life not eating cupcakes or drinking margaritas. It won’t happen. But if that can happen and I can still come back and exercise and eat healthy the rest of the time then I can do this forever. Maui 2013 has finally taught me that.
Anyway, I need to get back to work now. This ended up being an extremely long post. Ooops… Monday’s suck. There, I said it. I hate Monday’s.!
Friday, June 14, 2013
At the Crossroads
Today or rather yesterday; okay at this point in my journey I find myself at a crossroads. This is the exact same place I have stood many times before. If I try and analyze my history which ultimately proves to never be a very smart thing for me, I can say that I have gained a whole bunch of weight and lost a whole bunch of weight pretty much to this point of goal 3 previous times. This is my fourth go round of weight loss in 9 years. Clearly we can say that I could be classified as the quintessential yo-yo dieter. And we are talking large amounts of weight too. Irrelevant. The point is; I am standing in the same spot I’ve stood for the 4th time and see up ahead on my path a dead stop in the road with two paths to walk down. My own personal crossroads as you will.
One of those paths is one I have walked down many times before. 3 previous times to be exact. It feels like a comfortable road because I have traveled it for so long. The road is one where I continue down the same journey I’ve been on and get the same results I’ve always gotten. For a while I will be good and diligent. For a while I will fluxuate between periods of eating healthy and being focused and then at other points things will start to slip. The challenges will be gone, the motivation will waiver. Ultimately some amount of undo stress will cause me to not care and in years’ time I will most likely be right back at that start of the path. WAY back at the beginning. I have traveled this road and it makes a big U-turn. It is a deceptive giant circle right back around to the beginning. I have been on this continuous loop for 9 years and while multiple times I have come to the crossroad; that point in the circle where I could actually pull out of the loop I have never done it. Why? Fear perhaps. Inability to recognize my own loop maybe?
Here I stand once again at the point where I can pull myself off the continuous loop I’ve always traveled upon and make a different decision. It is scary and frightening and exhilarating all rolled up into one. I have no idea where this new road will lead. Perhaps to its own loop; perhaps not. But the thing is, it’s a different choice than I’ve ever taken before. It’s a different path that I have NEVER walked down before. It took me 9 years to realize that in order to really be the person I want to become I have to get off the path I’ve always traveled down.
Yesterday I took the first step towards a new path. After making the decision I kind of had a mini freak out and instantly wasn’t sure if this was the right step or not (I tend to have to really let things resonate for a while before I can be comfortable with any decision) Spontaneity is not my friend!
Last night I signed my life away and now belong to the gym. Ha. Basically I put my signature on a million lines indicating that I am now fully committed for 1 year of personal training sessions, weekly. It is a huge commitment. It is a lot of money monthly to be charged to my credit card. It is a big responsibility and one that I do not take lightly.
But I’m standing at that fork in the road where I can travel the path I’ve walked a million times or actually be brave. That is a hard thing for me. I can actually walk the walk that I always talk about. It is not going to be easy. I am not going to be great at it which scares me unto itself. It is going to be hard and I am certain there will be days where I will regret the decision a million times over; but if I want different results than I’ve always gotten I have to make a different choice than I’ve always made.
I knew this time was different for me and I had to really commit to myself to prove it. At first I was completely freaked by the year commitment. I still am actually but why should that scare me? Am I afraid that I won’t want to do this for the next year? Um... really? I can’t commit to a year when I am talking in terms of knowing I have to do this forever? I don’t love strength training. I much prefer my safe and secure cardio running. Well, if I really end up not loving anything else I can do my weekly sessions of strength with my trainer and then go back to my boring same old cardio routine the rest of the time. At least this will guarantee me one strength training session a week. And let’s be honest I know in my heart I need it. I also know in my heart that I probably won’t hate it. And I am certain that after time I will start to love and appreciate the results.
My trainer keeps telling me how awesome I’m going to look and how much of a difference I am going to see. I just have to sit back and put my faith in someone else which is entirely hard for me to do on this journey. This is what I know. In order for me to lose weight I sweat my ass off. I run. That is the best most sweat inducing thing I can do. I burn tons of calories. We all know calories equal pounds. Its basic fundamentals. I can’t get my brain out of the mindset that in order to keep my weight I have to burn massive calories by running. My trainer looked at me after I signed on the dotted line and said, “You know I’m not going to tell you its okay to run as much as you do.” Umm…. Okay. This frightens me. I love running. I tried to counter to her that it’s more about just getting on a treadmill to burn calories. It has moved beyond that for me at this point. It’s about the clarity and strength I feel and how I find myself in running. I will never give it up. I love it so much. But perhaps I could and should put my faith in the educated professional who tells me that there is more to this fitness world than a good run. I know this.
My brain is not stupid. It understands that building strength will not only make me feel better and look better that ultimately it should help my running even. If that truly were my goal. She said I was a rare breed who comes into a trainer already knowing what hard work is about and how to sweat and now she gets to channel that into building my strength. I’m not going to lie I was completely frightened. Yes, I know how to work hard. Yes, I know how to run for an hour and DRIP sweat. I know how to push myself past my limits but I am also weak at the same time.
She said that we will do my body fat again that it’s around 25-26 percent body fat right now and she easily thinks our goal is going to be get my body fat to 20%. Ugh… I kind of choked because that seems really low. One step at a time. I guess I have a year huh! I have to remind myself this is what I wanted. This is what I did to myself because I needed a new challenge and if I can’t commit to a year of this lifestyle than I have no business even writing on this blog at all.
Yes this is all completely out of my comfort zone. Yes, this scares the shit out of me. More for fear of failure. I hate failing and right now I’m afraid I will fail. But it is absurd. You can’t fail if you don’t try and as long as you are trying you are never failing. My form sucks, like in my technique so I guess that all has to be worked on. Ugh… what have I done?
I can’t help but that that in a couple months’ time even I will look back at this moment, at this blog post as a pivotal point in my journey. As a turning point really. I hope anyway that is the case. That I can call this period of time when it all FINALLY changed for me. When I made a different choice. This is the time when I normally quit and instead I am going to move full speed ahead down a new path.
For the record I did not intend to sign up yesterday but as soon as I walked into the gym she was talking to me. Pre Maui I had told her that after I got back from vacation I was going to sign up. In all fairness she didn’t bombard me, but she was talking to my mom and I walked over to them and chatted for a while and then she was like, “So, are you ready to sign up for your personal training?” I really know it’s now or never and I am going to choose me. I am very happy with my health and fitness right now and am finally ready to go to that next level; as scary as that actually is for me.
I feel comfortable at the gym. I feel happy and excited there and I think that is important. Last night I ended up doing a ½ hour butts and guts class, which I sucked at! But whatever, and then I did about 20 minutes of Zumba before meeting with my new trainer to set things up. My first official assessment workout with measurements and such is scheduled for Monday night at 5:30. I do ultimately think this is the right thing for me. If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you? Right! I’m ready for the challenge. But more importantly I’m ready to take a new path. I want to be that healthy, happy, strong girl for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the yo-yo’er any more. Today I am proud of my decisions. So sit back and get ready for the next phase of my journey and my ramblings about it. Because I am not going anywhere!
One of those paths is one I have walked down many times before. 3 previous times to be exact. It feels like a comfortable road because I have traveled it for so long. The road is one where I continue down the same journey I’ve been on and get the same results I’ve always gotten. For a while I will be good and diligent. For a while I will fluxuate between periods of eating healthy and being focused and then at other points things will start to slip. The challenges will be gone, the motivation will waiver. Ultimately some amount of undo stress will cause me to not care and in years’ time I will most likely be right back at that start of the path. WAY back at the beginning. I have traveled this road and it makes a big U-turn. It is a deceptive giant circle right back around to the beginning. I have been on this continuous loop for 9 years and while multiple times I have come to the crossroad; that point in the circle where I could actually pull out of the loop I have never done it. Why? Fear perhaps. Inability to recognize my own loop maybe?
Here I stand once again at the point where I can pull myself off the continuous loop I’ve always traveled upon and make a different decision. It is scary and frightening and exhilarating all rolled up into one. I have no idea where this new road will lead. Perhaps to its own loop; perhaps not. But the thing is, it’s a different choice than I’ve ever taken before. It’s a different path that I have NEVER walked down before. It took me 9 years to realize that in order to really be the person I want to become I have to get off the path I’ve always traveled down.
Yesterday I took the first step towards a new path. After making the decision I kind of had a mini freak out and instantly wasn’t sure if this was the right step or not (I tend to have to really let things resonate for a while before I can be comfortable with any decision) Spontaneity is not my friend!
Last night I signed my life away and now belong to the gym. Ha. Basically I put my signature on a million lines indicating that I am now fully committed for 1 year of personal training sessions, weekly. It is a huge commitment. It is a lot of money monthly to be charged to my credit card. It is a big responsibility and one that I do not take lightly.
But I’m standing at that fork in the road where I can travel the path I’ve walked a million times or actually be brave. That is a hard thing for me. I can actually walk the walk that I always talk about. It is not going to be easy. I am not going to be great at it which scares me unto itself. It is going to be hard and I am certain there will be days where I will regret the decision a million times over; but if I want different results than I’ve always gotten I have to make a different choice than I’ve always made.
I knew this time was different for me and I had to really commit to myself to prove it. At first I was completely freaked by the year commitment. I still am actually but why should that scare me? Am I afraid that I won’t want to do this for the next year? Um... really? I can’t commit to a year when I am talking in terms of knowing I have to do this forever? I don’t love strength training. I much prefer my safe and secure cardio running. Well, if I really end up not loving anything else I can do my weekly sessions of strength with my trainer and then go back to my boring same old cardio routine the rest of the time. At least this will guarantee me one strength training session a week. And let’s be honest I know in my heart I need it. I also know in my heart that I probably won’t hate it. And I am certain that after time I will start to love and appreciate the results.
My trainer keeps telling me how awesome I’m going to look and how much of a difference I am going to see. I just have to sit back and put my faith in someone else which is entirely hard for me to do on this journey. This is what I know. In order for me to lose weight I sweat my ass off. I run. That is the best most sweat inducing thing I can do. I burn tons of calories. We all know calories equal pounds. Its basic fundamentals. I can’t get my brain out of the mindset that in order to keep my weight I have to burn massive calories by running. My trainer looked at me after I signed on the dotted line and said, “You know I’m not going to tell you its okay to run as much as you do.” Umm…. Okay. This frightens me. I love running. I tried to counter to her that it’s more about just getting on a treadmill to burn calories. It has moved beyond that for me at this point. It’s about the clarity and strength I feel and how I find myself in running. I will never give it up. I love it so much. But perhaps I could and should put my faith in the educated professional who tells me that there is more to this fitness world than a good run. I know this.
My brain is not stupid. It understands that building strength will not only make me feel better and look better that ultimately it should help my running even. If that truly were my goal. She said I was a rare breed who comes into a trainer already knowing what hard work is about and how to sweat and now she gets to channel that into building my strength. I’m not going to lie I was completely frightened. Yes, I know how to work hard. Yes, I know how to run for an hour and DRIP sweat. I know how to push myself past my limits but I am also weak at the same time.
She said that we will do my body fat again that it’s around 25-26 percent body fat right now and she easily thinks our goal is going to be get my body fat to 20%. Ugh… I kind of choked because that seems really low. One step at a time. I guess I have a year huh! I have to remind myself this is what I wanted. This is what I did to myself because I needed a new challenge and if I can’t commit to a year of this lifestyle than I have no business even writing on this blog at all.
Yes this is all completely out of my comfort zone. Yes, this scares the shit out of me. More for fear of failure. I hate failing and right now I’m afraid I will fail. But it is absurd. You can’t fail if you don’t try and as long as you are trying you are never failing. My form sucks, like in my technique so I guess that all has to be worked on. Ugh… what have I done?
I can’t help but that that in a couple months’ time even I will look back at this moment, at this blog post as a pivotal point in my journey. As a turning point really. I hope anyway that is the case. That I can call this period of time when it all FINALLY changed for me. When I made a different choice. This is the time when I normally quit and instead I am going to move full speed ahead down a new path.
For the record I did not intend to sign up yesterday but as soon as I walked into the gym she was talking to me. Pre Maui I had told her that after I got back from vacation I was going to sign up. In all fairness she didn’t bombard me, but she was talking to my mom and I walked over to them and chatted for a while and then she was like, “So, are you ready to sign up for your personal training?” I really know it’s now or never and I am going to choose me. I am very happy with my health and fitness right now and am finally ready to go to that next level; as scary as that actually is for me.
I feel comfortable at the gym. I feel happy and excited there and I think that is important. Last night I ended up doing a ½ hour butts and guts class, which I sucked at! But whatever, and then I did about 20 minutes of Zumba before meeting with my new trainer to set things up. My first official assessment workout with measurements and such is scheduled for Monday night at 5:30. I do ultimately think this is the right thing for me. If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you? Right! I’m ready for the challenge. But more importantly I’m ready to take a new path. I want to be that healthy, happy, strong girl for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be the yo-yo’er any more. Today I am proud of my decisions. So sit back and get ready for the next phase of my journey and my ramblings about it. Because I am not going anywhere!
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Just another day
The thing about life is, it just seems to go on doesn’t it? No matter what we do the days just go by and time ticks on. It’s suddenly June 13, almost half way thru the month. Not quite but close enough. With that said; why is there still rain in Oregon? I am not particularly happy about this fact. I was really hoping that after I returned from the blissful sun of Maui that Oregon would at least be in the 70’s. I look at my little forecast and it does say Friday to Sunday is supposed to be in the 70’s with some sun. Then it’s back to rain. For the record, it’s raining today. Depressing! Perhaps I need to relocate to a more sun driven environment but alas I would miss my family too much. And I do love Oregon, just wish there was a little more sun to go with all the doom and gloom.
It’s on to day 3 of clean eating for me. Two days have been successful and actually I already feel so much better. My exercise has been a little rough. Well, I did manage another 6.25 mile run last night. But it WAS much harder than the previous night. I knew this would happen; but I’m certain this happens whether I’ve had a 10 day break of just a 1 day break. It wasn’t unmanageable. The only place where I notice the 10 day break is in my body’s ability to recover. Runs don’t usually leave me sore or tried like they have the last 2 days. I feel it in this one area in particular and it’s making me batty. Running does NOT do this to me. Oh well; haven’t we all learned that being sore means we are working and that is always a good thing!
With all the said I think it’s a good thing that my plan is to go to the gym tonight. I am nervous but that’s mainly because I have a slight case of social anxiety in general and have these pervasive feelings of not fitting in, like anywhere. Yup total basket case here. I know I like this gym and do feel comfortable but after not being there for like 13 days it is going to take some real strength to get myself to walk in the doors. Oh, I have it, but it still will be hard. It’s also probably a really good idea to get to the gym to work out some different muscles. I need to do some stair climber probably and some arm weight machines. Besides my legs could probably use a little break. 12.4 miles in the last two days is probably enough. Except I might run a quick little warm up tonight to get the old heart rate up. I just won’t run an hour’s worth tonight, that’s all.
I have to say I am feeling quite comfortable and happy with my decision to not weigh myself for a while. I truly feel like this is the key to my ability to rebound from my vacation. I suspect that damage was probably not as terrible as I initially thought as I am feeling comfortable and confident in my body once again. But nonetheless, the lack of focusing on the scale really does take the importance out of that silly number. I think it is a wonderful tool for measurement when you are really trying to actively lose weight. When I am merely trying to somewhat maintain or lose just a little or “get strong”, it’s just a stupidly frustrating endeavor.
This is what I know. I was right around 141 pounds when I left for vacation. I was happy and proud of what I had done. My body is not perfect. I am unhappy with certain things about it, but I am certain that no matter what I weighed I would be unhappy with certain things as I believe most women are. If somehow the scale said 146 pounds today would that really matter all that much? Supposedly our weight fluctuates by a normal 5 pounds most of the time anyway. I suspect whatever number it says would mess with my mind and ultimately be completely irrelevant.
A funny thing happens to me. I feel more at peace and behave in a more healthful way when I am not obsessing about the scale. When my focus is simply on eating healthy and doing good for my body I am happier and more productive. I really am pretty comfortable with going to a weigh in of at least every other week if not monthly. So long as I am still eating healthy. That is the key.
I have to run to the grocery store again today on my lunch. I need to pick up more Greek yogurt. I have been going thru it like there’s no end. It is so delicious and so great with fresh fruit! And I want to get some more fresh fruit’s as well. It is what is keeping me going during my 10 day detox. I have an intense craving for some fresh raspberries. I saw a recipe on pinterest that I am thinking about making which says a lot because I just don’t cook; ha! It is fresh eggplant cut in half and then put a little cheese and canadian bacon on the top and bake in the oven and then put fresh marinara sauce on the top. Like a fresh pizza of sorts. I am thinking about getting the eggplant at the store. We will see.
Ah, I think that’s about it for this morning. It’s getting to be lunch time and I have got work errands to run. Hope everyone has an amazing day!
It’s on to day 3 of clean eating for me. Two days have been successful and actually I already feel so much better. My exercise has been a little rough. Well, I did manage another 6.25 mile run last night. But it WAS much harder than the previous night. I knew this would happen; but I’m certain this happens whether I’ve had a 10 day break of just a 1 day break. It wasn’t unmanageable. The only place where I notice the 10 day break is in my body’s ability to recover. Runs don’t usually leave me sore or tried like they have the last 2 days. I feel it in this one area in particular and it’s making me batty. Running does NOT do this to me. Oh well; haven’t we all learned that being sore means we are working and that is always a good thing!
With all the said I think it’s a good thing that my plan is to go to the gym tonight. I am nervous but that’s mainly because I have a slight case of social anxiety in general and have these pervasive feelings of not fitting in, like anywhere. Yup total basket case here. I know I like this gym and do feel comfortable but after not being there for like 13 days it is going to take some real strength to get myself to walk in the doors. Oh, I have it, but it still will be hard. It’s also probably a really good idea to get to the gym to work out some different muscles. I need to do some stair climber probably and some arm weight machines. Besides my legs could probably use a little break. 12.4 miles in the last two days is probably enough. Except I might run a quick little warm up tonight to get the old heart rate up. I just won’t run an hour’s worth tonight, that’s all.
I have to say I am feeling quite comfortable and happy with my decision to not weigh myself for a while. I truly feel like this is the key to my ability to rebound from my vacation. I suspect that damage was probably not as terrible as I initially thought as I am feeling comfortable and confident in my body once again. But nonetheless, the lack of focusing on the scale really does take the importance out of that silly number. I think it is a wonderful tool for measurement when you are really trying to actively lose weight. When I am merely trying to somewhat maintain or lose just a little or “get strong”, it’s just a stupidly frustrating endeavor.
This is what I know. I was right around 141 pounds when I left for vacation. I was happy and proud of what I had done. My body is not perfect. I am unhappy with certain things about it, but I am certain that no matter what I weighed I would be unhappy with certain things as I believe most women are. If somehow the scale said 146 pounds today would that really matter all that much? Supposedly our weight fluctuates by a normal 5 pounds most of the time anyway. I suspect whatever number it says would mess with my mind and ultimately be completely irrelevant.
A funny thing happens to me. I feel more at peace and behave in a more healthful way when I am not obsessing about the scale. When my focus is simply on eating healthy and doing good for my body I am happier and more productive. I really am pretty comfortable with going to a weigh in of at least every other week if not monthly. So long as I am still eating healthy. That is the key.
I have to run to the grocery store again today on my lunch. I need to pick up more Greek yogurt. I have been going thru it like there’s no end. It is so delicious and so great with fresh fruit! And I want to get some more fresh fruit’s as well. It is what is keeping me going during my 10 day detox. I have an intense craving for some fresh raspberries. I saw a recipe on pinterest that I am thinking about making which says a lot because I just don’t cook; ha! It is fresh eggplant cut in half and then put a little cheese and canadian bacon on the top and bake in the oven and then put fresh marinara sauce on the top. Like a fresh pizza of sorts. I am thinking about getting the eggplant at the store. We will see.
Ah, I think that’s about it for this morning. It’s getting to be lunch time and I have got work errands to run. Hope everyone has an amazing day!
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