Thursday, May 24, 2012

And so it begins


Yes, you read that right…. 7.8 freaking pounds. That is how much I lost this week. I have NEVER lost that much in a week, EVER. Of course I had never gotten on a scale without giving it any thought like I did last week. When I weighed in last Thursday I am sure I had just drank a bunch of liquid and since I didn’t have any idea I’d be weighing in, last weeks number was probably a little inflated, but who cares… I’ll definitely take a 7.8 pound loss. I earned that this week. Well, honestly I don’t feel like I worked as hard as I could have so I am thrilled actually with that number. I was hoping for 5. I would have been happy with a 5. I am blown away by 7.8.

I did run last night, run 35 minutes, walked 35 minutes. Not all in a row of course. I broke it up. Intervals and I felt amazing afterwards. Of course it is still much harder than I’d like it to be. Much harder than I remember it being. I used to glide thru runs. It’s a struggle, but obviously worth it. I will get better at it. It WILL get easier. Right now I am just happy with the loss for the week.

I can also say that I am thrilled that I didn’t once all week get on a scale. Thus that number was a true shock. It was incredibly nice to not obsessively weigh myself. It was nice to just wait and see, because no matter what I did all week, the results would have been the same. I paid for the monthly pass so that I am forced to go back. So for now I am just going to take it one day at a time. That’s all I can do. Had myself a subway sandwich as my reward after weigh-in. I weighed in at lunch time. I have some couponing to do after work and then I will probably try and run again tonight, since tomorrow I will have to take off to go to dinner for Chris’s birthday.

Overall, I am very happy today. I am tired. I slept like crap last night, but I am happy right now and I’ll take it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Same old, Same old

Yesterday was a super busy day for me. I had a million things to do and didn’t realize I hadn’t posted until about 4:30 PM… as I leave at 5 I just didn’t have time. Oh well, such is life. Not that I had anything to important to say. I most certainly did not. I still don’t, but I guess that doesn’t stop me from rambling.

The past few days have been very good on the food front. The exercise front is proving more challenging. I did run on Monday night, run/walk… anyway. I upped my stats a smidge and I felt good happy and alive. I didn’t run/walk yesterday, so of course the plan is to do it again today. As far as exercise goes, 3 times in a week is rather lack luster for me, but I have to admit it’s much harder with all these extra pounds on my body. Not nearly as much FUN to exercise. Guess it’s not supposed to be fun.

It’s really okay, because I will have a weigh-in tomorrow and I sure hope I see a good number and that it will motivate me somehow. I have to admit starting Friday this weekend is going to be a MAJOR challenge for me and I’m not looking forward to it. Friday is Chris’s birthday and we are going out to dinner with his dad and grandpa. And then Sunday is my birthday. I really don’t want to do anything special at all for it. I honestly kind of hate birthdays. It’s not my thing. I don’t like being any center of attention at all. I much prefer Christmas which is about sharing and celebrating a day with EVERYONE. It’s special for everyone. I don’t like being singled out at all. I don’t like the whole look at me thing. I rather wish I could skate by without it being acknowledged but I’m not sure that will happen.

Anyway, it’s going to be difficult and of course with my family coming into town (my niece and nephew) they aren’t coming for my birthday, they are coming because its Memorial Day weekend and they have an extra day off.

Alas, next week equals challenge. Fortunately weigh-in day is Thursday and therefore hopefully I will be able to get thru the weekend and be able to salvage the next couple days after that.

Overall I feel pretty good these days. I have to say after 6 days of eating well my body feels much better. I honestly do feel a difference. The cravings for crap food are less and that is good. Generally my mood is improving and no matter what the scale says I know I am making happy strides in the right direction.

Whoo hoo… I ordered a few new work out clothes from Victoria Secret and some weight watchers cookies or at least low enough point values for me cookies and they are both scheduled for delivery tomorrow… That is exciting since I wasn’t expecting them until next week. Tomorrow should be a good day it seems. Something to look forward to.

I’ve been doing a lot of couponing lately and it seems to distract me from focusing all of my energy and obsessing on food and weight, and I like that. I like having a distraction. I like having two things that pull my attention equally so that I don’t seem to be over focusing on either one. That’s healthy. I am not sure I mentioned this, but I coupon to make money. It’s my second job. Not only do I make money at the store, (store money), or rebate money, but my product I sell at garage sales. Of course I keep the product we use and want, but anything extra gets sold at garage sales. I do quite well and that is why I coupon. I coupon for myself, my family and my future. I coupon to subsidize my income. I coupon so I don’t have to spend as much of my life worrying about money. Of course I still worry about money, but at least it’s not as bad as it could be.

I will head out and pick up more stuff this afternoon on my lunch break. Our work post office is right next door to Rite-Aid and I stop in there a lot for stuff. It’s easy and they are super friendly.

Anyway, I feel pretty good today and I’ll take it.

I’m off….

Monday, May 21, 2012

Less than Chatty

I am not feeling particularly chatty today, but I will write anyway. I had a busy Sunday. Sunday is always my coupon day. New ads, new deals, etc. Basically I do a bunch of shopping and then by the time the evening hits I am worn out and thus did not feel like expending any energy to exercise. Plus my legs were a little sore so I just decided to not do it yesterday. I am okay with that.

Today has been incredibly busy for me and I feel like I am only now having a single moment to breath. After work I have to stop at Rite-Aid for a little more shopping. This is my life. I shop a lot. It’s a second job really. Honestly it is. Anyhow, my favorite checker at the Rite-Aid works Monday nights so I have to take advantage of that and head in. Honestly it will probably take me an hour and I’m not sure how I’m going to feel afterwards heading home and wanting to exercise. This has always been my struggle. I don’t exercise unless I do it immediately following work. I lose steam otherwise, but its equally as important to me to coupon. So Couponing wins tonight, but I am REALLY hoping that I can still get myself on the treadmill after I get home with my purchases. We will see.

Despite not exercising yesterday it was still a rather good day eating wise. I mean, its only been a couple days so I have new diet high, which will wear off I am certain. I haven’t weighed myself as I have no concept of what the number might be on my own personal scale. I just saw that horrid number on a weight watchers scale last Thursday and have no point of reference. For the time being I like that. I don’t have to play mind games with myself and the scale. I can simply focus on eating good and not worrying how the scale looks day by day.

I know this is going to be a LONG journey and while I know I’ve made smart decisions since last Thursday I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a smidge freaked out about what the scale will do on Thursday. And Yes, I do intend to go back and officially weigh-in. It is the thought that has kept me on track the last 4 days really.

I am still doing good, plugging along and that’s all that really matters. So long as I continue to make healthy choices things should fall into place all by themselves. I do know I need to exercise more to see any kind of results and I will. I just need to figure out how to slowly reintroduce my body to it and put it back into my schedule. It is a challenge.

On the plus side my food choices are no longer making me want to vomit every day. Yes, Mcdonalds really fucks with your system. Shocking…  But on the down side I am still feeling pretty tired most of the time. Like I need a shot of something to perk me up. But alas at this time of the day I ALWAYS feel that way. Hopefully I can get in and get out of Rite Aid this evening quickly and still manage a run/walk on the treadmill. Even ½ an hour would be good. We shall see.

In other news Oregon weather sucks. Its raining yet again. I know, what else is Oregon known for? But seriously its then end of May, and it was beautiful last week and now its rain… supposed to rain all week actually. That is DEPRESSING. It really does affect my mood. I want the sun back. And on that note, this rather pointless post shall come to a close. Hopefully tomorrow I will have found some more spunk and have more lively conversation.

Saturday, May 19, 2012


Success… well at least ½ a day of success is what I can honestly report. I have had a fabulous Saturday thus far. I managed to steer clear of the food demons that have spent the last 14 months consuming me and today I got on the treadmill. Yes, I lugged my huge body on the treadmill and boy was it work. I remember being on that thing and gliding, it really is so much easier to run/walk when you weigh less. It’s hard. No wonder my body is tired all time, I guess I didn’t realize how much extra weight I was actually carrying around. You feel every pound of it on the treadmill. Despite all that, I persevered.

I started the treadmill up and put the machine at a 4.0 miles per hour. I remember running at 6.5 once upon a time. I really need to throw my old demons out the window because what was once is no longer. Anyhow, 4.0 and it was between the cusp of walking so fast that my little legs just find it easier to run. So I ran, and I got tired. I pushed thru and managed to run for 15 minutes. I ran one complete mile before finally taking the treadmill down to a 3.5 to walk. I walked 5 minutes, then ran 5 more at which point my body knew that was all it was going to take for the day, of running at least. I was watching the newest Revenge from Wednesday night so I was thoroughly entertained and therefore distracted enough to take the treadmill to a nice 3.2 pace and finish out an entire hour of walking. Meaning overall I did 40 minutes of walking and 20 minutes of running. That is a HUGE success. Mostly fueled by the knowledge that I KNOW I can do it. My body is capable of a lot and therefore I made it do more than I probably would have ever attempted if I didn’t have full knowledge of what I used to be able to do.

My body was mush afterwards. My legs were mush and I will probably be sore, but I feel like I did something, albeit however little it really was, at least I did something. I managed something significant today and I am happy for that.

Aside from my hour long walk and healthy food choices I even managed to do some couponing this morning, so I’d say fairly balanced life in check. I have forgotten how much happier I really am when I have purpose. When I know I am making good choices. My body is definitely detoxing. Letting go of the crap food. Trying to come down from my sugar high I suppose. Today is day 3 and I am starting to feel better. Physically that is. Yes, I feel like I am carrying around so much extra weight than is necessary and suddenly I’m painfully aware of how much I want it gone. But I know that is going to take time. I’ll get there.

I am going to make stuffed bell peppers for dinner. I have ground turkey thawing and I bought some gorgeous looking peppers today at the grocery store. I am excited because they are quite delicious and healthy.

I am tired now. Go figure. I just finished my banana and am thinking I am going to go shower up and see where the rest of the day takes me.

Friday, May 18, 2012

If the ring fits...

Yesterday after work I had to stop at the grocery store and make some healthy food purchases. In the last couple years I have become a hardcore couponer. Like we are talking the likes of extreme couponing. I am nothing if not obsessive. It’s a characteristic that translates into everything I do in my life. The way I attack weight watchers when I chose to do it is the same way I attack anything that is important to me. Couponing is no exception. I simply no longer pay for any bathroom items. This means razors, shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, cleaning products, toilet paper, laundry soap, detergent, well anything that one could purchase at Rite-Aid… I don’t pay for it. Rite-Aid is my store. I simply have done this long enough, worked out a good enough relationship with the people at the stores that if Rite-Aid sells it I can manage to get it for free.

Anyhow, my point is this, while I get all this stuff for free, and I do try to save on food when I can, you still have to pay for food. There is no magic coupon to make produce and meats free. It just doesn’t happen. I do alright with my couponing in the grocery store, still saving a considerable amount. But healthy foods are just another issue. In the last year I don’t think I’ve spent more than $20 at the grocery store in a given trip. Yesterday after work I spent $65. This goes against my couponing sensibilities, but speaks greatly to my need to eat better. I bought fresh everything. The only things that made there way into the cart that wouldn’t constitute fresh was some low fat bread, some weight watchers cheese and a bottle of fat free mayo (for the sandwiches I will be preparing). God knows I had to have something to eat. I bought lots of fruits and veggies.

I loaded myself up, had a fabulous spaghetti dinner last night prepared by my wonderful husband and then this morning I prepared my official day 1 of lunch choices. I am proud of myself. I brought a premade salad I purchased at Safeway. I brought a ww string cheese; I have 2 bananas and a pear. I made myself a ham and cheese English muffin for breakfast and I brought a thing of water. Let the detox being! And I mean it. I know my body is going to detox from all the crap that has found its way into my system.

My first goal is pretty simple. Be able to wear my wedding ring again. Sure I can squeeze it onto my finger but after a few hours I notice it and it drives me crazy. It is a thicker band and it is too much. Presently I am wearing a simple engagement ring Chris gave me that I normally wear on my other hand. It is a thin tiny band and it doesn’t bother me to wear it. I moved it over to my left hand because I would honestly feel naked without something on my finger. I guess I knew weeks ago that something needed to be done when I honestly could no longer bear wearing it.

My finger looked like a stuffed sausage. Yes you know that whole muffin top problem with jeans and your fat hanging out… well… my ring and finger were doing the same thing. I could get the ring on but all the extra fat poofed out on the other side and I felt disgusting. It was not pretty or natural in the least. I ignored it, because I wasn’t ready to face anything by way of the scale. It is not easy in the least admitting that you have a severe problem you’ve been ignoring. I haven’t even shared with anyone that I can’t get my wedding ring to fit. Surprisingly enough my husband hasn’t really noticed yet, or if he did he didn’t say anything. I am wearing a ring, just not MY ring.

I hurt my foot the other day, a couple days ago… I did that whole thing where your ankle gives out and your foot flips to a side… It hurt and I knew it was sad and pathetic because it was in large part due to excess weight. Then my foot hurt so I didn’t want to walk… compounding all the issues.

Tomorrow is Saturday and while I am encouraged because I am riding the whole I am going to change and this ends now commitment that I have going on, I am also fearful of being home in a house full of horrible things. I mean, just last Sunday while couponing I picked up no less than 50 candy bars for free and 30 theater size boxes of skittles. Disturbing. They sit in my house. Probably should ditch those. They were free. All 100% free.

I think that I might attempt a walk tomorrow. I know there is no way in hell any running will be occurring. Its baby steps. This is the first step tomorrow. Just seeing if I can stomach walking for 15-30 minutes at a nice slow pace. It’s the best I can do. Especially because my stupid foot still hurts a smidge. But I can do this. I honestly did this once before, right where I’m at. I started one day and I just walked. I walked for 15 minutes. Then the next day I walked for another 15 and so on. I am perfectly capable of doing it again. I will do it again. I honestly have no choice.

The choice is to continue hating myself, hiding away from the world avoiding social activities, sending my husband on dog walks by himself out of sheer laziness on my part. This is not how I want to live my life. Embarrassed, buying bigger clothes, looking like a slob, and not being able to wear my ring. No I choose me. Finally after 14 months I choose me. I know its not going to be easy. I know that today I am full of hope and excitement, but there will come a time where I’m depressed and weary at how stalled I become. I know I will become stalled. That is inevitable.

But for today I am just excited that I am not eating McDonalds for lunch and I made better decisions. Today I did something I am proud of and I need to get back to the small victories in life.

True honesty is hard. It’s very hard to be honest with yourself. I ignored it. I didn’t want to tell anyone my ring didn’t fit. I pretended like I was fine and happy, because I tried to convince myself I was. Telling the truth to yourself is just not easy. I could beat myself up for all the wrongs I’ve done, but today instead I choose to be proud of myself for the step forward I am making. In the past 3 years I’ve tackled my money issues one thing at a time, so now its time to focus back on the food and me. Today I am proud for the choices I’ve made and know I am going to make.

In a lot of ways it’s incredibly freeing to be writing my food down again. Yes, I have a long way to go, but I know that now since I’ve made the commitment I will succeed and there is relief in that. Relief that while it may feel crappy right now I know that I WILL feel better again. That I will find myself again. That is worth a million McDonald’s trips.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Hello Again, I hope to meet you soon...

At various points in our lives we all need different things. We change and grow and evolve constantly. It seems for me the inevitable is this… I will always have a weight problem. I will always eat out of happiness, sadness, joy, misery, comfort, stress, excitement. Basically, I will always eat. Which leads me to point 2. As long as I will always eat, I will always EVENTUALLY return to weight watchers. Sure, I’ve given it up for FAR too long and the results are painfully evident. I have lost me again. I lost the girl I became. I miss her.

And in coming home to finding myself again, it seems weight loss and blogging go hand in hand for me. Not sure if I’ve ever learned to separate the two. Heaven knows I’ve not learned how to separate many aspects of my life, but I’ve gotten much better.

Do you see the last time I blogged on this site, well that is probably the last time I gave what food I put in my mouth a second thought. I have hated what I’ve been doing to my body for a long time, almost always feeling completely powerless to change it. I am not sure why today suddenly I felt like it was the day. But I did.

I decided today for some odd reason was the day I was walking back into weight watchers. Do you have any idea what 14 months of eating whatever you want will do to you? I unfortunately see the consequences all too drastically. It’s bad. It’s real bad. It’s the worst number I’ve EVER seen in my entire life. Worse than when I first stared weight watchers years ago. You know how you become blind to seeing yourself; I’ve become that ignorant girl in the land of denial.

My life is so different now. I first started weight watchers over 8 years ago. Yes, it’s been that freaking long and how I have changed in eight years. Thank goodness for that. And yet, how much apparently remains the same.

I had every intention of just walking into the meeting hall to buy the new 2012 starter kit. I really didn’t want to join. I just wanted the info. But it seems in order to get the info; you have to be a registered member. I told them I was going to do it online. So in order to buy my starter kit, I said fine, I’ll just join. Stupidly I didn’t realize that this meant getting on a scale. She said, okay; just get up on that scale. My whole body froze for a second. It was one thing for me to buy the information, but quite another to actually see the horrors of what I had done to myself. I haven’t been on a scale in over a year. No joke.

In one sweeping moment my world came tumbling down and I returned to an earth where I had become the statistic. Where I had gained everything and then some. Where I suddenly was painfully aware of why I hate looking in the mirror. Of why I don’t give one shit how I look in the morning or care what horrific clothes I put on. Of why I often times don’t want my husband to touch me. Yes, there was that number in all its glory and it took every ounce of my being to not let me jaw drop to the ground. To not start crying right there in that room. What the hell had I done to myself?

Ah yes, life had happened and I am so utterly disappointed in myself that all I could think of to do was sit down and write. Go back to the beginning. Back to where it all started. Back to where I found my success. So much is different eight years later though. Motivation is different. My body is different. I am going to be 33 years old in 10 days. Gone are the days of a 20 year olds metabolism. Gone are the days where I knew the program like the back of my hand.

Weight Watchers 2012 is entirely new. Sure you count points but to me that is where the similarities end. It appears to me on first glance that we don’t even care about calories. What??? It seems we care about carbs/fat/fiber and protein. All of my pre-canned point values floating in my head are useless. I must reteach myself something entirely new. Essentially starting at square one. Part of this is good news. Part of this is relief because clearly I am not the same person so its time I tried something new. I can’t fake my way thru it. I must really put in the effort. I suspect that would be nice.

But why, oh why Emily did you let yourself get here again? It’s the worst feeling in the world when you realize you have a double chin, your wedding ring doesn’t fit and you’re avoiding social outings because you’re embarrassed.

At least something about today was different. At least something about this morning, May 17, 2012 was different enough for me to drive my car to the meeting location. And as much as I can chastise myself for everything I’ve done to get to this horrific place, at least I made one good decision today. No, make that two. On the way to the meeting I had to stop at the payroll lady’s office and pick up checks, she gave me cookies. She always gives me cookies. Normally I would have demolished the 6 home baked cookies she gave me, God knows I’ve done it often enough. But not today. I told myself no, the first time in a long time I’ve done such a thing. I went to get my ww stuff and then afterwards instead of heading to McDonalds for lunch, fueled by the truth of the scale, I went to Subway. I ordered a 6” ham on wheat, and actually put twice as many veggies as I normally would on it. I got apple slices and my diet pop and walked out.

Two choices today that I can be proud of. Honestly I’m quite tired of feeling so tired all the time. Of feeling sick and lazy and lacking energy or the ability to walk. Who the fuck is this girl? I don’t want to be her for another day. And today, thank god, I made a choice to do it differently.

I honestly had no intention of going to meetings, but after seeing that number on the scale, as my world crashed down around me, I decided that I think I have to. I decided that apparently I do need those stupid meetings, or weigh-ins if nothing else. So I guess in some weird way the universe knew better than me.

Can I just say to myself, I am so sorry for what I’ve done to you and I promise that I’m going to fix it. I’m going to fix this mistake and find you again.